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Воздушные силы Вонг
Президент Кертис вызывает Рика, требуя, чтобы тот проник в Вирджинию, подозревая, что всё население штата присоединилось к культу. Однако Кертис также требует, чтобы Рик взял с собой своего психотерапевта, доктора Хелен Вонг, что заставляет Рика заподозрить, что Кертис хочет с ней встречаться. Когда президент Кертис и Рик прибывают в Вирджинию, они обнаруживают, что весь штат захвачен Юнити, которая обеспокоена тем, что Рик охотится за Риком Праймом. Юнити убеждают уйти, а доктор Вонг расстаётся с Кертисом, заявляя, что ему нужно преодолеть свою одержимость всеобщим одобрением. Президент Кертис, наконец, не выдерживает давления и захватывает коллективный разум Вирджинии, распространяя инфекцию по всему миру, чтобы удовлетворить своё желание получить 100% одобрения. Рик заручается помощью доктора Вонг, чтобы убедить Юнити остановить президента, и они договариваются помочь и удалить всех заражённых людей из коллективного разума. Позже Рик навещает Кертиса, и тот задумывается о терапии.
- 00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:08,800 Before we move off this topic, can I ask if you’re currently a hologram?
- 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,427 Hold on. One sec.
- 00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:14,180 Left a bag of Funyuns down there last week.
- 00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:17,016 Didn’t want to waste our time. Okay, let’s do it. Therapy me.
- 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,355 {\an8}- Do you need to take that? - No. Just the President.
- 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,817 - Maybe we should turn off the phone. - President of the United States.
- 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:26,943 Thought you might think that was cool.
- 00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,903 You like it when people think you’re cool?
- 00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:30,280 You’re extra analytical today.
- 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,616 - Looking to remodel your kitchen? <i>- Sanchez! I know you’re in there!</i>
- 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,162 When I call you directly it’s an emergency.
- 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,330 I was in therapy. Don’t stigmatize mental health.
- 00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,166 How rude of me. Hello,
- 00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:43,585 - I’m President Andre Curtis. - Yes, I recognize you.
- 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:44,794 Oh? How nice.
- 00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:47,714 It’s not nice to recognize a president, can we go?
- 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:53,762 In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Erie
- 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,638 and replaced her bones with titanium.
- 00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:57,849 She was then bit by several werewolves,
- 00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,934 giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon.
- 00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:00,769 Got it.
- 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,645 But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun,
- 00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:06,566 who turned Nessie’s bones to silver, giving her the were-version of AIDS.
- 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,860 She sank to the bottom and we assumed she was dead.
- 00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:12,447 But she was only asleep. Now she’s awake... and hungry.
- 00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:13,531 You can’t date my shrink.
- 00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:16,826 - What? Bro, you’re nuts. - Then don’t date my shrink.
- 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,661 I’m not dating your shrink!
- 00:01:19,704 --> 00:01:21,122 She probably doesn’t even like me.
- 00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:23,625 - Stand down, Sanchez! - Tell him to stand down!
- 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:26,294 - Would you let him bang your therapist? - I don’t believe in therapy!
- 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:29,506 What the hell does that even mean, you don’t believe in it?
- 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,508 - He’s a scientologist. - Don’t date my shrink!
- 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,551 - And don’t be a Space Mormon! - Why not?
- 00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:34,552 It’s silly!
- 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,471 Sorry, it’s a cheap shot.
- 00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:37,889 Worship how you want.
- 00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:40,809 - I like Tom Cruise. - Thank you.
- 00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,019 - Therapy’s working. - Keep it in your pants.
- 00:02:17,011 --> 00:02:19,722 <i>Welcome back to Mr. Stabby!</i>
- 00:02:20,139 --> 00:02:22,058 <i>Let’s get another question from the audience!</i>
- 00:02:24,018 --> 00:02:26,104 Why do people get tickets to his tapings?
- 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,522 {\an8}It’s a fame-obsessed culture.
- 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:31,234 {\an8}- Mr. President. <i>- I’ve got an emergency, Rick.</i>
- 00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,694 {\an8}Another President mission?
- 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,779 {\an8}You just killed the Loch Ness Monster for him.
- 00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:37,198 {\an8}<i>-Tell that little bitch to zip it.</i> - You can’t talk to me like that!
- 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,075 {\an8}Tell him he can’t talk to me like that...
- 00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:40,577 {\an8}- You can’t talk to Morty like that. <i>- Whatever.</i>
- 00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:41,619 {\an8}I’ll portal over.
- 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,622 {\an8}I’ve seen this one anyway. The audience dies.
- 00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:48,877 {\an8}Rick, thanks for coming.
- 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,129 {\an8}We’ve got a situation in the state of Virginia.
- 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,755 {\an8}- Bigfoot. - That’s Montana.
- 00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:55,049 {\an8}- Nazis. - That’s... everywhere.
- 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:56,259 {\an8}That’s an exaggeration, sir.
- 00:02:57,051 --> 00:02:58,720 {\an8}Jesus, Carl, you too?
- 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,639 {\an8}The problem in Virginia is... love.
- 00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,434 {\an8}You’ve heard the state motto, "Virginia is for Lovers"?
- 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,519 {\an8}Well, now they’ve codified it into law.
- 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:10,481 {\an8}Virginia has declared itself literally and exclusively for lovers.
- 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,734 {\an8}- Sounds boring. - It gets worse.
- 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:16,321 {\an8}There’s no crime, no poverty, and suspiciously, no complaints.
- 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:19,449 The governor just hit a hundred percent roval rating.
- 00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,784 {\an8}- And that’s worse? - A hundred percent?
- 00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:23,077 {\an8}Get on the web, Dwayne,
- 00:03:23,077 --> 00:03:25,121 {\an8}there’s no such thing as a hundred percent of anything.
- 00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:27,999 {\an8}America knows and incinerates a cult when it sees one.
- 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,086 {\an8}But I can’t do that to all of Virginia, so we need to infiltrate.
- 00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:34,172 {\an8}I volunteer to do acid to prove I’m not a cop.
- 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:35,340 {\an8}No lone wolves.
- 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:38,301 {\an8}We need a crack team for this one. Rick, meet Fleeflak.
- 00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,970 {\an8}- He might be able to tell the future. - Might?
- 00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:43,640 {\an8}We’re waiting to find out. Onyx here is a weapons specialist,
- 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,684 {\an8}and our eye in the sky’s my chief of staff bot, Chi-Chi.
- 00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:48,686 {\an8}- Sleek. - Yes, an excellent team.
- 00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:50,647 {\an8}But there’s something missing...
- 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:54,067 {\an8}- A psychology expert, perhaps. - Fuck me!
- 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,861 {\an8}You pretended to need a crack team so you could get Wong’s number?
- 00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:57,987 {\an8}Get her number?
- 00:03:57,987 --> 00:04:01,074 {\an8}I own the CIA, if I wanted I could get her genome .
- 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,743 {\an8}So you wanted what from me, permission? You got it.
- 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,912 {\an8}It’s a free country, so you’re always saying.
- 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,664 {\an8}That’s certainly all I’d be willing to pay.
- 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,666 {\an8}You’re making me choose? You or her?
- 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,294 There’s three billion women on this planet that have nothing to do with me.
- 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,505 - Can you blame them? - You suck.
- 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:20,009 - Wait! Danger! - Wow that’s great, buddy.
- 00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:21,803 It’s goin’ right on the fridge.
- 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:29,727 I appreciate your lending your expertise to this mission, Doctor Wong.
- 00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:31,354 - Gun? - No thank you.
- 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,732 I was surprised to receive your call, but excited.
- 00:04:34,732 --> 00:04:37,026 I haven’t done field work since grad school.
- 00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:41,030 We think the people of Virginia have become some kind of hippy sex cult.
- 00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:43,199 I haven’t done that since grad school either.
- 00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:46,744 Doctor Wong, you are a firecracker!
- 00:04:46,744 --> 00:04:47,996 Sir, we’ve reached the border.
- 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:49,622 Halt!
- 00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:54,627 I’m so sorry, Mr. President, Virginia is closed to visitors.
- 00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:55,962 I thought it was for lovers.
- 00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:57,922 I’m a lover. You guys lovers?
- 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,049 I appreciate that,
- 00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:03,886 but the rest of your country doesn’t need Virginia’s love right now.
- 00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:06,431 You know, the last time a state talked that way,
- 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:09,058 - we had to have a whole thing. - And?
- 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,145 And this time the other side has nukes.
- 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:14,897 Let them in.
- 00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:18,443 - Well done, Doctor. - Call me Helen.
- 00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:28,703 As you can see, Virginia has no crime, no poverty.
- 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:31,289 - All goods are freely given. - Communist bastards.
- 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:34,751 - And all goods are freely made. - Communist bastards!
- 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,753 So what happened? Tell me the secret.
- 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,838 Well, if I tell you, you’ll tell everyone.
- 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,924 But if I show you, you won’t have to.
- 00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:43,718 How unsettling and cryptic of...
- 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,640 My God, so that’s it?
- 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,683 You’re all just drunk?
- 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,645 Sir! It’s some kind of body snatching hive-mind!
- 00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:56,439 Finally your religion comes in handy!
- 00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:59,192 No! My only chance at meeting Will Smith!
- 00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:08,785 Pick up your phone, asshole, when I call it’s an actual emergency!
- 00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:11,579 Rick?
- 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,957 - Unity. - Take it easy, take it easy...
- 00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:17,960 I can explain, just let me get things under control.
- 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,796 You controlling things is the explanation
- 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,839 and we agreed you wouldn’t do it where I work.
- 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,384 The fuck are you spraying me with?
- 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,887 A new scent I picked up after you left.
- 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:31,849 - I call it "Separation." - You concocted a me repellent?
- 00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:33,601 Does that look like a bad idea?
- 00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:38,773 Rick, are you in a relationship with the population of Virginia?
- 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:39,774 We dated.
- 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,195 I just want to talk.
- 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,155 I’m pretty sure you have trillions of cell phones.
- 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,157 No, come back, let’s talk!
- 00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:54,455 Thank god you had a crack team with you.
- 00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:55,957 - Where’s Helen? -"Helen?"
- 00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:57,208 She initiated first name...
- 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,295 Call in a chopper! I’m being cock blocked!
- 00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,841 Rick! It’s me.
- 00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:06,843 I was released from Unity.
- 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,845 Cool, so you won’t mind if I spray this.
- 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:12,807 Wel... I won’t, but we’re surrounded and Unity knows your reload time.
- 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:15,852 I really believe you and Unity should talk.
- 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,521 How would you know? You’re just a nutritionist.
- 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:22,191 When you work in nutritionism as long as I have, you get a certain feel...
- 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,949 Calm down. We came because we’re worried about you.
- 00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:32,785 - Why? - We hear things, Rick.
- 00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:35,830 I tried calling but... is it true you’re looking for...
- 00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,373 him again?
- 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,333 You almost died last time.
- 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,961 - That’s none of your business. - You’re our business.
- 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,505 You quit that business! And you’re fired from that business!
- 00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:46,007 And I’m using your last paycheck
- 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,176 to cover the stapler you stole which was my heart!
- 00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:50,720 Civil War, baby!
- 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:55,725 Sorry. That was supposed to be suppressive.
- 00:07:58,352 --> 00:07:59,812 Rick, wait!
- 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,233 - Thank you, Andre. - Thank you, Helen.
- 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,527 It’s time to put these bastards on ice.
- 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:08,988 - Cue up the dome! - Yes sir!
- 00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:33,930 Do you have a dome the size of every state?
- 00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,642 You’ll need a second date for that answer.
- 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,601 Barf.
- 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,272 <i>A nation in turmoil tonight as the entire state of Virginia</i>
- 00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,733 <i>continues to be trapped inside an energy dome.</i>
- 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,236 <i>The White House released a statement dismissing</i>
- 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:50,947 <i>the President’s shouts of "Civil War, baby."</i>
- 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,533 <i>as hyperbole. Shonda, what do we make of that?</i>
- 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:57,036 <i>- More like Hyper Bully, Tom. - Shit. Shonda came to play.</i>
- 00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:00,539 <i>This President has been in office for how many alien invasions?</i>
- 00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:02,041 <i>Not to mention the mutant turkeys,</i>
- 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,960 <i>the abandoned White House orbiting our planet,</i>
- 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,544 <i>the eco-conscious dinosaurs...</i>
- 00:09:05,544 --> 00:09:06,671 Then he sees Virginia
- 00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:09,257 <i>with its perfect economy and synchronized lawn mowing,</i>
- 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:12,301 <i>so he shoots them and puts them in a dome?</i>
- 00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:14,470 <i>- Classic Curtis.</i> - Will someone mute the god damn news?
- 00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,973 If I want a list of my failures, I’d dig up my mother.
- 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:19,976 I’m... sorry, that’s a turn off, right?
- 00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:21,811 Guy screaming about his mother in a war room?
- 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:25,606 Sanchez! America hates your dome! How long is it going to be up?
- 00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:27,692 Hope you marked that. It was his dome in the chopper.
- 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,987 Now it's mine. It will contain that part of Unity until I shut it down,
- 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:34,282 because... one of us here, Knows how to set boundaries.
- 00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,493 Rick, I agree that my accepting this mission was inappropriate,
- 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:40,371 - when I was invited, I didn’t know... - That he was hitting on you?
- 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:43,499 I was aware of potential romantic motivations.
- 00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:44,792 And I was open to them.
- 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:48,254 But I did not know you and I would be crossing paths.
- 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,006 You mean you didn't care. Because on one hand,
- 00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,173 you got professional ethics,
- 00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:53,092 and in the other hand you got world-famous schlong.
- 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,177 - Now I get to beat you. - Bring it...
- 00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,596 Alien vessel approaching Earth! It’s hailing us!
- 00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:59,223 - Put it through. - I don’t work for you.
- 00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:01,017 <i>You couldn’t, you suck. I’ll do it.</i>
- 00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:03,269 <i>Mr. President.</i>
- 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,187 Lady, you bring that ship to America’s planet,
- 00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,981 I’m launching four thousand warheads.
- 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,858 Three thousand of which will turn out to work.
- 00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:11,736 Then I’ll call China and you’re really fucked.
- 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,112 Let’s listen to Unity.
- 00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:14,613 - Are you still here? - Are you?
- 00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:16,699 <i>If I wanted Earth, I would have taken it.</i>
- 00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:17,658 - Bullshit. - Gimme a break.
- 00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:20,369 <i>You cut eight million pieces of me off. It hurt.</i>
- 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,080 <i>You’ve made it clear we can’t be friends, Rick,</i>
- 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,542 <i>but I need to reconnect those people so I can properly release them.</i>
- 00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:30,046 <i>They’re hosting a mindless collective, if it connects to another mind,</i>
- 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:33,257 <i>- it could become its own colony.</i> - You made a Powerpoint?
- 00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:35,718 <i>I needed you to understand how serious this is.</i>
- 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:38,137 - I can handle it. - We got the spray, bitch!
- 00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,555 Don’t talk to them like that.
- 00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:42,058 - Rick, do you not trust Unity? - Shut up.
- 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,434 - Apologize. - Eat me.
- 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,394 <i>- Do you not trust me, Rick?</i> - Who would?
- 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:46,896 Let Rick answer.
- 00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,898 - Baby, I know you want to help, but... - ...Andre.
- 00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:51,400 - I think we need to move slower. - Slower?
- 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,736 I haven’t even touched you and you’re already back seat war rooming.
- 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:54,820 - Andre. - Helen.
- 00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,405 <i>- Rick?</i> - I don’t trust you.
- 00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:58,407 You ghosted me to focus on your work.
- 00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:00,242 Your work is absorbing the universe.
- 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,453 But it’s my universe. Please go.
- 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,747 We’ll spray the Virginians before they touch anyone.
- 00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,248 I’m sorry you lost a finger,
- 00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:08,876 but that’s the price of surprise butt play. Goodbye.
- 00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,294 <i>Goodbye.</i>
- 00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,254 Alien vessel is departing.
- 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:13,798 Good job, people,
- 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,883 I’ll run the aerosol cannon from the chopper,
- 00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:18,219 we need the optics. Send out a press release.
- 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:20,388 "President sprays Virginia with the opposite of bullets."
- 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:21,931 Write it better than that.
- 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,517 You riding shotgun or you staying butt hurt?
- 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,811 Suck my dick and lose my number. You too.
- 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,313 If you invite me to the wedding I will shit in the punch.
- 00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,276 He’ll be back. What would you like for dinner?
- 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,529 I’m not interested in taking this further.
- 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:40,950 What? Why? That’s insane. How can you be a therapist and insane?
- 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,660 Since you’re asking for feedback,
- 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:46,330 my sincere advice is that you overcome your need for approval.
- 00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,290 Okay, you want to play it that way?
- 00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:50,126 There’s an exit tunnel by the ladies room.
- 00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:52,253 It gets lots of use!
- 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:54,213 And not just by sex workers!
- 00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:57,466 Can you at least tell security I did the dumping?
- 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:03,347 - You okay? - Yes.
- 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,392 The news said Virginia was a hive... mind.
- 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:07,393 Yes.
- 00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:08,644 - Was it... - Yes.
- 00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:10,146 My god, dude, whatever,
- 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,605 when’s the last time you saw your therapist...
- 00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,399 - Today. - Well, then she sucks!
- 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,484 - No Shit! - Well stop yelling at me!
- 00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:18,487 - I need boundaries! - Well here's a big one, fuck face!
- 00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:21,991 Sorry.
- 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,789 Arriving at the dome, sir.
- 00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:30,040 Good! I don’t need anybody!
- 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,334 - What? - What? I said good!
- 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,461 Tell me when we’re there!
- 00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,962 - We are! - Roger that!
- 00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:36,505 Just gonna see how we’re looking!
- 00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,425 <i>And there’s Helicopter One with the forementioned gas,</i>
- 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,760 <i>and you can actually see President Curtis inside,</i>
- 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,680 <i>checking his phone to see if this will make people like him.</i>
- 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:48,184 <i>There he is frowning now, of course, as he realizes no amount of spectacle</i>
- 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,394 <i>is going to undo his last debacle. Shonda?</i>
- 00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:52,813 Not Shonda, she hates me.
- 00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,648 <i>It’s true, Tom, I mean, yes,</i>
- 00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:58,694 <i>President Curtis is going to release Virginia from yet another alien threat,</i>
- 00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:00,946 <i>but when they are free to speak their minds,</i>
- 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,657 {\an8}<i>does he really think they’re going to say "What a President?"</i>
- 00:13:03,657 --> 00:13:05,034 Deactivating dome, sir!
- 00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:08,662 <i>The fact is, nothing short of literally a one hundred percent approval rating</i>
- 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,414 <i>is gonna save Curtis in the next election.</i>
- 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,542 Let her rip, sir!
- 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,170 One hundred percent approval.
- 00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:20,883 Whoopsie! I’ll be right back!
- 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,718 - Sir! - I just gotta get the thing...
- 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,553 How is that going to work?
- 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,225 Give it to me. Give me that hive!
- 00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,023 Mother forgive me. Just forgive me. I need it.
- 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:46,116 - Holy....Shit! - Shit!
- 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,121 Loved ones are gathered here to reunite with the captives,
- 00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,874 who appear to walking, quite eagerly, and now running,
- 00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:57,670 in perfect unison, toward them, such a beautiful scene, everyone kissing.
- 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,256 And now everyone that got kisses is kissing everyone else.
- 00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,591 Heartfelt, almost disgusting kisses,
- 00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:06,053 the wave of affection is headed in all directions, hello, sir...
- 00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:09,181 The President has saved us. He’s the best President,
- 00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:11,183 <i>the best man, really, ever, his mother was wrong.</i>
- 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,602 Did somebody close the lady tunnel?
- 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,570 - Hey, Rick, was Unity - - She’s gone and I don’t care!
- 00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:24,488 I think she’s back.
- 00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:28,617 Someone order cranky dick?
- 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:30,286 - I said I was sorry. - No you didn’t.
- 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,662 I said it quietly, shut up.
- 00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:35,457 {\an8}Now Governor, can you explain why all of Virginia ran in all directions and
- 00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:36,792 <i>puked on everyone in the country?</i>
- 00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:40,087 <i>It’s simple, News Man. They puke in love of President.</i>
- 00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,423 <i>We approve of the President. Everyone does.</i>
- 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:46,135 <i>Sorry, Governor but you’re making me bring Shonda into this.</i>
- 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,636 <i>Thanks, Tom. Governor,</i>
- 00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:50,973 <i>I can assure you that no matter how you personally may feel...</i>
- 00:14:52,891 --> 00:14:55,603 <i>Good president. President good good good.</i>
- 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,688 <i>Are you okay? Josh just vomited into your mou...</i>
- 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,693 <i>I get it now. What a President!</i>
- 00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:04,737 <i>- Approval here! - President approved!</i>
- 00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,864 I thought Unity promised to never do this.
- 00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:07,990 That’s not Unity.
- 00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:10,576 - You kids stay inside and lock up. - Dad’s still out shopping.
- 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,745 Then stay inside, lock up and plug your ears.
- 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:13,746 Where are you going?
- 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:15,372 Therapy.
- 00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:17,249 Thank God.
- 00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:35,851 You’re rehired.
- 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,812 - Is that Unity? - It’s your boyfriend.
- 00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:40,522 He must have linked with the severed hive-mind.
- 00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,233 He’s going to assimilate the earth faster than I can fight it.
- 00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:45,736 - And you want me to talk to him. - There’s no talking to him.
- 00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:49,031 No human mind can keep itself together while controlling millions of people.
- 00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:51,533 - So where are we going? - I need Unity’s help.
- 00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:53,202 So you need to convince her I’m worth it.
- 00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:54,870 - You aren’t. - So lie.
- 00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,958 <i>Inbound vessel detected.</i>
- 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,461 - Tell him to turn around. - Tell me in person.
- 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,004 - I’m already here. - God damnit.
- 00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:06,382 - But your ship was just... - You have your gimmicks, I have mine.
- 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,425 This is my therapist, she can vouch for me.
- 00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:11,345 We met. She was me for a second. What do you want, Rick?
- 00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,055 Look, it’s clear you weren’t lying
- 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,431 when you said you could’ve taken over Earth
- 00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:16,558 because your finger just took over America.
- 00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:18,143 I need you to help me fix that.
- 00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:21,355 - It took that to make you believe me? - Why should I believe you?
- 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,607 You show up unannounced and hijack a state.
- 00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:26,402 I called you! Multiple times!
- 00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,945 You ghosted me.
- 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,405 Rick, is that true?
- 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,365 She dumped me, why would I answer her calls?
- 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:35,077 Alright, I’m gonna commit a cardinal sin in couple’s therapy here, but Rick,
- 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,122 - I think you’re wrong. - Bringing you was a mistake.
- 00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:41,375 You had an outer space lady who was worried for your life
- 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,545 and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem.
- 00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:45,629 Thank you.
- 00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:48,757 Now you’re asking her to both forgive you and solve it?
- 00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:51,760 Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here is
- 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,722 that he doesn’t know how to indicate to you he’s changed,
- 00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:57,474 because he’s changing very slowly.
- 00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:58,642 But he is.
- 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,770 Alright, anyone else wanna call me a baby?
- 00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:04,606 Maybe we can drag this out until Earth is fully assimilated?
- 00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:08,193 Alright, so you’re asking for an invasion.
- 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,150 Hold ‘em back! They love me, they just forgot!
- 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,486 They just forgot! They just forgot!
- 00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,783 No! Stop! You love me!
- 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,160 Why’re you stopping?
- 00:17:58,660 --> 00:17:59,661 I’ve won you over?
- 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,583 Good! You’re here!
- 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,668 Unity, kept them warm for you.
- 00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:10,839 They went a little crazy but, anyway, seems like this is all over.
- 00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,716 Helen, we could grab some coffee?
- 00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:14,384 Wait Unity, what are you doing?
- 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,638 Alright, Rick, that’s everyone.
- 00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,223 Nice job, Une.
- 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,351 Well. This has been quite a session.
- 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,228 Hope you do group discounts.
- 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,064 Actually, just send the bill to the White House.
- 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,859 I wouldn’t be doing this for anyone else, Rick.
- 00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,528 It was nice to team up again.
- 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,114 No, I mean I wouldn’t be doing it.
- 00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:38,200 I’ve never released hundreds of millions of people before.
- 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,368 This is gonna suck.
- 00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:19,950 Here... it’s over. Nice job, Une.
- 00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:21,785 I’m fine.
- 00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:22,870 You want a painkiller?
- 00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,622 I’m on a few of them right now.
- 00:19:26,164 --> 00:19:27,165 No thank you.
- 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,167 I mean, you can hang out if you want,
- 00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,003 come see the kids,
- 00:19:32,629 --> 00:19:33,964 I trust you now.
- 00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:36,300 That’s nice but I don’t trust you.
- 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:38,927 Fair enough.
- 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,616 <i>Hey Rick, it’s Unity.</i>
- 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,118 <i>Give me a call, okay?</i>
- 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,538 <i>Hey Rick, Unity. Look, cards on the table,</i>
- 00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,415 <i>I heard you were going after that guy again.</i>
- 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,584 <i>Just made me worried, give me a call.</i>
- 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,712 <i>Look I get it, I dumped you, you’re ignoring me.</i>
- 00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:17,466 <i>But, I care about you and I just wanna know you’re alright.</i>
- 00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:21,303 <i>Hey Rick, listen I’m just gonna stop by Virginia, okay?</i>
- 00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:23,221 <i>I don’t know what state you live in</i>
- 00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:25,641 <i>but I’ll camp out there and try to reach you.</i>
- 00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:26,642 <i>Hope you’re okay.</i>
- 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,019 <i>Hey, Rick. David Miscavige here.</i>
- 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,980 <i>Heard you were saying some really great things about Scientology.</i>
- 00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,982 <i>- If you ever wanna meet Travolta...</i> - And playback.
- 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,490 You uh, really went all in on that approval?
- 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,745 Shonda’s gonna eat me alive.
- 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,914 - Fuck em. - Thanks, Rick.
- 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:56,129 Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I might need therapy.
- 00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:36,086 And we’re back with Mr Stabby.
- 00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:39,381 What do you say to people who say, "I don’t want to get stabbed.
- 00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:40,590 I want to go a show,
- 00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,718 I have a right to not get stabbed."
- 00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:45,303 Well, Gary, I have a right to arms and legs.
- 00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:46,888 But I wasn’t born with those.
- 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,515 And I don’t think that means I should be
- 00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:50,851 boxed out of an industry where, let’s face
- 00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:54,813 it, there’s zero representation of people with swords for arms and legs.
- 00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:57,357 But do you have to take questions from the audience?
- 00:21:57,357 --> 00:22:00,402 People come to my show because they want the experience.
- 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,154 If they didn’t want it, they’d stop coming.
- 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:06,074 Your show has resulted in the deaths of 58,000 attendees.
- 00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:09,578 Well, you’re talking about it.
- 00:00:04,670 --> 00:00:08,720 Пока мы не перешли к другой теме, могу ли я уточнить, в данный момент ты - голограмма?
- 00:00:08,740 --> 00:00:10,560 Да-да, ща... секунду.
- 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:15,310 На той неделе оставил там луковые колечки, а время терять не хотел.
- 00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:17,140 Ладно, за дело. Терапевтируй меня.
- 00:00:19,780 --> 00:00:20,980 Срочный звонок?
- 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,520 Нет, всего лишь президент.
- 00:00:22,650 --> 00:00:24,430 Может, всё-таки выключим телефон?
- 00:00:24,490 --> 00:00:26,980 Президент США. Ну, разве не круто?
- 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,880 Нравится, когда люди считают тебя крутым?
- 00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:31,530 Дофига анализируешь. Хочешь сделать ремонт на кухне?
- 00:00:31,550 --> 00:00:33,800 Санчез! Я знаю, что ты там!
- 00:00:34,810 --> 00:00:37,190 Если я звоню тебе напрямую, значит дело срочное.
- 00:00:37,210 --> 00:00:39,380 Я был у психотерапевта. Не порицай душевное здоровье.
- 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:42,120 Где мои манеры? Здравствуйте. Я - президент Андре Кёртис.
- 00:00:42,140 --> 00:00:43,590 Да, я вас узнала.
- 00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:44,820 Ууу, как мило.
- 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,880 Она узнала президента. Что тут милого? Идём уже.
- 00:00:48,270 --> 00:00:53,040 В шестьдесят первом году ЦРУ в тайне переместило лохнесское чудовище
- 00:00:53,060 --> 00:00:55,710 в озеро Эри и заменило ему кости на титановые.
- 00:00:55,730 --> 00:00:57,870 Потом его покусало несколько оборотней,
- 00:00:57,890 --> 00:00:59,880 и у нас появилось идеальное оружие против подлодок.
- 00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:00,310 Понял.
- 00:01:00,330 --> 00:01:04,440 Но Советы создали лепрекона, который превратил кости Нэсси в серебро,
- 00:01:04,470 --> 00:01:06,600 тем самым она подцепила оборотневую версию СПИДа.
- 00:01:06,620 --> 00:01:08,930 Мы полагали, что она ушла на дно и погибла,
- 00:01:08,950 --> 00:01:12,220 однако она всего лишь спала, но теперь проснулась и проголодалась.
- 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,670 Никаких свиданок с моим психотерапевтом.
- 00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:15,750 Что? Бро, что за чушь?
- 00:01:15,770 --> 00:01:17,000 Тогда никаких свиданок.
- 00:01:17,260 --> 00:01:18,830 Да не встречаюсь я с ней.
- 00:01:19,610 --> 00:01:21,240 Может, я вообще ей не нравлюсь.
- 00:01:21,450 --> 00:01:22,380 Не смей, Санчез!
- 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,610 Это ты ему скажи!
- 00:01:23,630 --> 00:01:25,080 Пусть и твоего психотерапевта трахнет?
- 00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:26,440 Я не верю в психотерапию.
- 00:01:26,890 --> 00:01:29,510 Что это, блин, вообще значит? В смысле не веришь?
- 00:01:29,530 --> 00:01:30,520 Он - саентолог.
- 00:01:30,540 --> 00:01:31,590 Никаких свиданок!
- 00:01:31,610 --> 00:01:32,970 А ты не будь космо-мормоном.
- 00:01:32,990 --> 00:01:33,570 Почему?
- 00:01:33,590 --> 00:01:34,270 Это глупо!
- 00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:36,530 Прости. Ударил по больному.
- 00:01:36,890 --> 00:01:37,910 Поклоняйся кому хочешь.
- 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:40,230 Мне нравится Том Круз.
- 00:01:40,330 --> 00:01:40,920 Спасибо.
- 00:01:41,140 --> 00:01:41,990 Терапия помогает.
- 00:01:42,010 --> 00:01:43,250 Держи свой черенок в штанах.
- 00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:20,110 Мистер Пырчик снова в эфире.
- 00:02:20,130 --> 00:02:22,280 Давайте ответим на ещё один вопрос из зала.
- 00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:26,170 Нафига люди берут билеты на съёмки?
- 00:02:26,190 --> 00:02:27,780 Культура поклонения знаменитостям.
- 00:02:29,310 --> 00:02:30,200 Господин президент.
- 00:02:30,220 --> 00:02:31,230 Срочное дело, Рик.
- 00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:34,650 Ещё одно задание от президента? Ты ж только убил лохнесское чудовище.
- 00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:35,880 Скажи этой сучке закрыть рот.
- 00:02:35,900 --> 00:02:38,680 Со мной нельзя так общаться. Скажи ему, что так нельзя.
- 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:39,930 Нельзя так общаться с Морти.
- 00:02:39,950 --> 00:02:40,620 Да пофиг.
- 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:41,680 Ща перемещусь.
- 00:02:42,490 --> 00:02:44,860 Всё равно я это видел. Зрители сдохнут.
- 00:02:47,770 --> 00:02:51,100 Рик, спасибо, что пришёл. У нас проблема в штате Вирджиния.
- 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:51,790 Бигфут.
- 00:02:51,810 --> 00:02:52,750 Он в Монтане.
- 00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:53,510 Нацики.
- 00:02:53,530 --> 00:02:55,040 А они... повсюду.
- 00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:56,580 Вы преувеличиваете, сэр.
- 00:02:57,050 --> 00:02:58,890 Господи, Карл, и ты?
- 00:02:59,130 --> 00:03:01,630 Проблема в Вирджинии это... любовь.
- 00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:04,430 Слыхал какой у них девиз штата? "Вирджиния для влюблённых".
- 00:03:04,490 --> 00:03:06,710 Короче, они закрепили его в законе.
- 00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:10,690 Вирджиния объявила себя штатом исключительно для тех, кто любит друг друга.
- 00:03:10,710 --> 00:03:11,660 Скукота.
- 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:12,710 Дальше хуже.
- 00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:16,320 Там ни преступлений, ни бедности и почему-то никаких жалоб.
- 00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:19,540 Рейтинг одобрения губернатора достиг ста процентов.
- 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:20,610 И это плохо?
- 00:03:20,630 --> 00:03:21,850 Сто процентов?
- 00:03:21,870 --> 00:03:25,320 Зайди в интернет, Дуэйн. Там ничего не доходит до ста процентов.
- 00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:28,280 При появлении нового культа Америка сразу же истребляет его.
- 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,160 Но с Вирджинией это не прокатит, поэтому там нужен свой человек.
- 00:03:32,180 --> 00:03:34,250 Готов схавать кислоту, чтобы доказать, что я не коп.
- 00:03:34,270 --> 00:03:35,380 Никаких одиночек.
- 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,610 Здесь нужна отборная команда. Рик, познакомься с Флифлаком.
- 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,290 Возможно, он предсказывает будущее.
- 00:03:40,310 --> 00:03:41,020 Возможно?
- 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,700 Скоро узнаем. Оникс - специалист по вооружению.
- 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,760 А разведкой заправляет начальник ботов - Чи-Чи.
- 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:47,490 Шик.
- 00:03:47,510 --> 00:03:48,820 Да, отличная команда.
- 00:03:49,220 --> 00:03:50,830 Но чего-то не хватает...
- 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,150 Возможно, эксперта по психологии.
- 00:03:53,170 --> 00:03:54,140 Ебать мой рот!
- 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,990 Якобы собираешь команду, только чтобы стрельнуть номер Вонг?
- 00:03:57,010 --> 00:03:57,980 Стрельнуть номер?
- 00:03:58,060 --> 00:04:01,150 На меня работает ЦРУ. Я могу узнать хоть весь её геном.
- 00:04:01,170 --> 00:04:03,850 Тебе чё, моё разрешение нужно? Разрешаю.
- 00:04:03,870 --> 00:04:05,910 У нас свободная страна, как ты любишь говорить.
- 00:04:05,930 --> 00:04:07,730 Такую цену я готов заплатить.
- 00:04:07,750 --> 00:04:09,910 Предлагаешь мне выбор между ею и тобой?
- 00:04:10,010 --> 00:04:13,480 На этой планете три миллиарда женщин, которые никак со мной не связаны.
- 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,680 Разве можно их винить?
- 00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:15,500 Иди ты.
- 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,090 Погоди! Опасность!
- 00:04:18,110 --> 00:04:21,920 Ого! Отлично, приятель. Повесим на холодильник.
- 00:04:26,580 --> 00:04:29,790 Спасибо, что предоставили свои профессиональные навыки, доктор Вонг.
- 00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:30,690 Ствол?
- 00:04:30,710 --> 00:04:31,500 Нет, спасибо.
- 00:04:31,790 --> 00:04:34,790 Я удивилась вашему звонку, приятно удивилась.
- 00:04:34,810 --> 00:04:37,070 Я не занималась выездной работой со времён магистратуры.
- 00:04:37,090 --> 00:04:41,030 Мы полагаем, что жители Вирджинии превратились в какой-то хиппарьский секс-культ.
- 00:04:41,050 --> 00:04:43,350 Этим я тоже не занималась со времён магистратуры.
- 00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:46,740 Доктор Вонг, а вы - горячая штучка.
- 00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:48,050 Сэр, мы у границы.
- 00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:49,620 Стоять!
- 00:04:51,180 --> 00:04:54,710 Мне жаль, господин президент, но Вирджиния не принимает гостей.
- 00:04:54,730 --> 00:04:58,170 Она же вроде для влюблённых. Я влюблён. А вы, ребята?
- 00:04:58,790 --> 00:05:03,880 Спасибо конечно, но всей вашей стране сейчас не нужна любовь Вирджинии.
- 00:05:03,930 --> 00:05:08,300 Когда штат разговаривал так со мной в прошлый раз, появились сложности.
- 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:09,140 И?
- 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,270 А в этот раз у одной из сторон есть ядерка.
- 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:14,890 Пустите их.
- 00:05:16,310 --> 00:05:17,770 Отлично, доктор.
- 00:05:17,790 --> 00:05:18,640 Зовите меня Хелен.
- 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:21,870 РИК. ЧЁРТОВ АСТРОНАВТ
- 00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:28,680 Как видите, в Вирджинии нет ни преступлений, ни бедности.
- 00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,280 Все продукты бесплатны.
- 00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,370 Коммуняки поганые.
- 00:05:31,390 --> 00:05:33,140 И создаётся всё тоже бесплатно.
- 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,750 Коммуняки поганые!
- 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,800 Так что случилось? Поделись тайной.
- 00:05:36,820 --> 00:05:39,140 Если поделюсь, то ты расскажешь всем.
- 00:05:39,410 --> 00:05:41,870 А если покажу, то рассказывать не придётся.
- 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,840 Как жутко и загадочно ты...
- 00:05:48,010 --> 00:05:50,770 Господи, и это всё? Вы просто бухие?
- 00:05:51,990 --> 00:05:54,730 Сэр! Это какой-то коллективный разум, похищающий тела!
- 00:05:54,750 --> 00:05:56,540 Наконец-то твоя религия пригодилась.
- 00:05:56,810 --> 00:05:59,670 Нет! Теперь я не увижусь с Уиллом Смитом.
- 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,960 Трубку надо брать, мудозвон. Если я звоню, то дело срочное.
- 00:06:10,660 --> 00:06:11,570 Рик?
- 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:12,910 Юнити.
- 00:06:12,930 --> 00:06:14,950 Успокойся, успокойся...
- 00:06:14,950 --> 00:06:17,960 Я всё объясню. Только позволь мне сохранить контроль.
- 00:06:17,980 --> 00:06:19,960 Тотальный контроль и есть твоё объяснение,
- 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,250 и мы договорились, что место моей работы не попадает под него.
- 00:06:23,630 --> 00:06:25,380 Что за хуйню ты на меня брызгаешь?
- 00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:29,400 Я нашёл новые духи после твоего ухода. Называются "Разделение".
- 00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:31,770 Ты сварганил репеллент для защиты от меня?
- 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,630 Разве это плохая идея?
- 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,780 Рик, ты находишься в отношениях с населением Вирджинии?
- 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:39,800 Мы встречались.
- 00:06:42,710 --> 00:06:44,170 Я просто хочу поговорить.
- 00:06:44,190 --> 00:06:46,290 Ну вот и трещи по триллиону мобильников.
- 00:06:46,780 --> 00:06:48,430 Нет, вернись, поговорим.
- 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,430 Хорошо, что твоя команда с тобой.
- 00:06:54,450 --> 00:06:55,220 Где Хелен?
- 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:55,950 Хелен?
- 00:06:56,030 --> 00:06:57,300 Она сама попросила так её называть.
- 00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:01,510 Вызывайте вертолёт. У меня отбили девушку.
- 00:07:02,670 --> 00:07:05,010 Рик... это я.
- 00:07:05,270 --> 00:07:06,820 Юнити отпустила меня.
- 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,910 Класс, тогда ты не против опрыскаться?
- 00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:12,890 Не против, но мы окружены, и Юнити знает, сколько времени уходит на перезарядку.
- 00:07:13,470 --> 00:07:16,090 Я считаю, что вам с Юнити надо поговорить.
- 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,500 Тебе откуда знать? Ты ж диетолог.
- 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:22,330 Когда работаешь диетологом столько времени, то появляется ощущение...
- 00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:30,190 Успокойся. Мы прилетели, потому что переживали за тебя.
- 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:31,270 Почему?
- 00:07:31,290 --> 00:07:32,780 Мы всякое слышали, Рик.
- 00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:36,020 Я пыталась связаться, но... ты правда снова ищешь...
- 00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,540 того самого?
- 00:07:37,570 --> 00:07:39,330 В прошлый раз ты чуть не погиб.
- 00:07:39,330 --> 00:07:40,710 Не лезь не в своё дело.
- 00:07:40,730 --> 00:07:41,960 Ты - наше дело.
- 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,500 Ты бросила это дело, и тебя из него уволили.
- 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:48,300 Твоей последней заплатой я покрою расходы на украденный тобой степлер, то есть, моё сердце.
- 00:07:49,590 --> 00:07:50,930 Гражданская война, детка.
- 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,950 Простите. Это должен был быть сдерживающий огонь.
- 00:07:58,350 --> 00:07:59,810 Рик, постой!
- 00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:03,240 Спасибо, Андре.
- 00:08:03,260 --> 00:08:04,230 Тебе спасибо, Хелен.
- 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,720 Пора охладить пыл этих ублюдков.
- 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:08,420 Включай купол.
- 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:09,180 Есть, сэр!
- 00:08:31,710 --> 00:08:34,140 У тебя купол размером с каждый штат?
- 00:08:35,660 --> 00:08:37,620 На втором свидании отвечу.
- 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:38,600 Срань.
- 00:08:40,350 --> 00:08:43,340 Нацию охватило смятение. Штат Вирджиния по-прежнему
- 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,920 находится под энергетическим куполом.
- 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,520 Белый Дом заявил, что фраза, которую выкрикнул президент
- 00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:52,200 "Гражданская Война, детка" является гиперболой.
- 00:08:52,220 --> 00:08:53,530 Шонда, что думаешь?
- 00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:55,270 Скорее уж Гипер Быдло, Том.
- 00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:57,100 Охренеть. Шонда в ударе.
- 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,530 Сколько инопланетных вторжений этот президент находился на посту?
- 00:09:00,530 --> 00:09:02,150 Не говоря уже об индейках-мутантах,
- 00:09:02,170 --> 00:09:04,120 заброшенном Белом Доме на орбите планеты,
- 00:09:04,140 --> 00:09:05,680 экологически сознательных динозаврах...
- 00:09:05,700 --> 00:09:09,360 А тут он увидел Вирджинию с идеальной экономикой и синхронной стрижкой газонов,
- 00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:12,300 и начал палить по жителям, а потом накрыл их куполом?
- 00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,540 - Типичный Кёртис. - Может, кто-нибудь заткнёт новости?
- 00:09:14,650 --> 00:09:17,040 Если захочу послушать о своих провалах, то откопаю мать.
- 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,000 П-прости, тебя такое отталкивает, да?
- 00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:21,960 Когда мужик в оперштабе орёт про свою мать.
- 00:09:22,250 --> 00:09:25,580 Санчез! Америка ненавидит твой купол. Долго он ещё будет включён?
- 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,540 Заметила? В вертолёте это был его купол, а теперь вдруг мой.
- 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:31,900 Он будет сдерживать часть Юнити, пока я его не отключу, потому что...
- 00:09:31,930 --> 00:09:34,280 кое-кто из нас умеет обозначать границы.
- 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:37,490 Рик, я принимаю тот факт, что моё согласие на задание было неприемлемым,
- 00:09:37,490 --> 00:09:39,200 но когда меня позвали, я не знала...
- 00:09:39,220 --> 00:09:40,510 Что он клеится к тебе?
- 00:09:40,740 --> 00:09:44,870 Я заметила потенциальный романтический интерес и была готова его принять.
- 00:09:44,890 --> 00:09:45,350 Есть!
- 00:09:45,370 --> 00:09:48,200 Но я не думала, что наши с тобой пути пересекутся.
- 00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:51,220 То есть, тебе было пофиг. С одной стороны у тебя профессиональная этика,
- 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,190 а с другой - самый известный хер в мире.
- 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:54,710 Сейчас тебе влетит.
- 00:09:54,730 --> 00:09:55,230 Валяй.
- 00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:57,590 К Земле приближается корабль пришельцев. Он на связи.
- 00:09:57,590 --> 00:09:58,300 Подрубай.
- 00:09:58,320 --> 00:09:59,290 Я на не работаю на тебя.
- 00:09:59,310 --> 00:10:01,100 Ещё бы, ты ж чмо. Я сам.
- 00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:03,260 Господин президент.
- 00:10:03,260 --> 00:10:07,040 Дамочка, если этот корабль сядет на планету Америки, то я запущу четыре тысячи боеголовок.
- 00:10:07,060 --> 00:10:09,090 И три тысячи из них сработают.
- 00:10:09,210 --> 00:10:11,710 А потом я позвоню Китаю, и тогда вам пизда.
- 00:10:11,730 --> 00:10:13,180 Давайте выслушаем Юнити.
- 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,080 Ты ещё здесь?
- 00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:14,610 А ты?
- 00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:16,690 Если бы я хотела забрать Землю, то уже забрала бы.
- 00:10:16,690 --> 00:10:17,570 - Брехня. - Ой да хорош.
- 00:10:17,590 --> 00:10:20,490 Ты отрезал от меня восемь миллионов частей. Было больно.
- 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:23,200 Рик, ты ясно дал понять, что дружить мы не можем,
- 00:10:23,380 --> 00:10:26,660 но чтобы отпустить этих людей, я должна восстановить связь.
- 00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,550 Сейчас их коллективный разум пуст,
- 00:10:28,570 --> 00:10:31,370 и если новый разум установит с ними связь, то они образуют новую колонию.
- 00:10:31,390 --> 00:10:33,250 Ух ты, презентацию сделала?
- 00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:35,710 Ты должен понять, насколько это серьёзно.
- 00:10:35,730 --> 00:10:36,750 Разберусь.
- 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,090 У нас есть спрей, сучара.
- 00:10:38,110 --> 00:10:39,530 С ними нельзя так говорить.
- 00:10:39,550 --> 00:10:41,550 Рик, ты не доверяешь Юнити?
- 00:10:41,570 --> 00:10:42,130 Завали.
- 00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:42,930 Извинись.
- 00:10:42,950 --> 00:10:43,430 Иди нах.
- 00:10:43,430 --> 00:10:44,870 Ты не доверяешь мне, Рик?
- 00:10:44,890 --> 00:10:45,580 А кто бы доверился?
- 00:10:45,810 --> 00:10:46,930 Пусть ответит Рик.
- 00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:48,450 Детка, понимаю, что ты хочешь помочь, но...
- 00:10:48,470 --> 00:10:48,950 Андре.
- 00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:50,800 Думаю, нам надо притормозить.
- 00:10:50,820 --> 00:10:53,780 Притормозить? Я тебя даже не тронул, а уже на вторых ролях для тебя?
- 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:54,420 Андре.
- 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:54,820 Хелен.
- 00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:55,200 Рик?
- 00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:58,400 Я тебе не доверяю. Ты меня игнорила и ушла в работу.
- 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,450 А твоя работа - поглощать вселенную. Но это моя вселенная. Прошу, уходи.
- 00:11:02,450 --> 00:11:04,810 Мы опрыскаем жителей Вирджинии, пока они никого не тронули.
- 00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:08,350 Мне жаль, что ты лишилась пальчика, но это цена за внезапную наёбку.
- 00:11:08,370 --> 00:11:09,070 Прощай.
- 00:11:09,410 --> 00:11:10,150 Прощай.
- 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,380 Корабль пришельцев улетает.
- 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:16,820 Отличная работа, народ. Я распылю аэрозоль с вертолёта, нужна картинка для публики.
- 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,210 Выпустить пресс-релиз.
- 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:20,500 Президент опрыскивает Вирджинию вовсе не пулями.
- 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,000 Сформулируйте получше.
- 00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:24,510 Полетишь со мной или останешься с горящей жопой?
- 00:11:24,530 --> 00:11:26,960 Иди нахер и не возвращайся. Ты тоже.
- 00:11:26,980 --> 00:11:29,480 Если пригласите меня на свадьбу, то я насру вам в пунш.
- 00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:34,450 Он вернётся. Что будешь на ужин?
- 00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,600 Дальнейшие отношения меня не интересуют.
- 00:11:36,620 --> 00:11:41,020 Что? Почему? Это безумие! Как можно быть безумным психотерапевтом?
- 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,730 Раз уж ты просишь отзыв,
- 00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:46,420 то я искренне советую перебороть потребность в одобрении.
- 00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:50,120 Вот значит как? Возле женской уборной тоннель на выход.
- 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,410 У него много применений и не только среди работников секс-индустрии.
- 00:11:55,170 --> 00:11:57,700 Можешь хотя бы сказать охране, что это я тебя бросил?
- 00:12:02,380 --> 00:12:02,950 Ты в порядке?
- 00:12:02,970 --> 00:12:03,380 Да.
- 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,520 В новостях сказали, что Вирджиния это коллективный разум.
- 00:12:06,540 --> 00:12:06,910 Да.
- 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:08,120 Это была...
- 00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:08,640 Да.
- 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,600 Господи, чувак, остынь, ты когда в последний раз ходил к психотерапевту?
- 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,250 Сегодня.
- 00:12:12,270 --> 00:12:13,390 Толку от неё.
- 00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:14,110 Ясен хрен!
- 00:12:14,130 --> 00:12:15,480 Хорош на меня орать!
- 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:16,540 Надо обозначить границы.
- 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,660 Вот тебе широченная граница, уёбок!
- 00:12:21,070 --> 00:12:21,990 Прости.
- 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,760 Приближаемся к куполу, сэр.
- 00:12:28,810 --> 00:12:30,300 Хорошо. Мне никто не нужен.
- 00:12:30,410 --> 00:12:31,010 Что?
- 00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:33,460 Что? "Хорошо" говорю. Скажи, когда будем на месте.
- 00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:34,350 Уже!
- 00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:36,610 Понял! Посмотрим, как это выглядит.
- 00:12:36,910 --> 00:12:39,500 А вот и борт номер один с вышеупомянутым газом.
- 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,860 Можно заметить внутри президента Кёртиса,
- 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,680 уткнувшегося в телефон с надеждой, что люди его полюбят.
- 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:48,130 Сейчас он хмурится и понимает, что никакие представления
- 00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:50,530 не перекроют его прошлую неудачу. Шонда?
- 00:12:50,850 --> 00:12:52,810 Только не Шонда, она меня ненавидит.
- 00:12:52,810 --> 00:12:54,770 Это правда, Том. То есть, да,
- 00:12:54,790 --> 00:12:58,690 президент Кёртис избавит Вирджинию от очередной инопланетной угрозы,
- 00:12:58,710 --> 00:13:00,990 но когда люди изъявят своё мнение,
- 00:13:01,010 --> 00:13:03,720 он серьёзно думает, что они скажут "Ну какой у нас президент!"
- 00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:05,030 Мы отключаем купол, сэр.
- 00:13:05,030 --> 00:13:08,660 К слову, на следующих выборах Кёртиса может спасти ничего кроме
- 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,430 стопроцентного рейтинга одобрения.
- 00:13:12,610 --> 00:13:13,710 Врубайте, сэр!
- 00:13:14,330 --> 00:13:16,410 Стопроцентный рейтинг одобрения.
- 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,880 Ой-ёй, я скоро вернусь.
- 00:13:20,910 --> 00:13:21,230 Сэр!
- 00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:23,020 Я только эту штуку подберу...
- 00:13:23,460 --> 00:13:24,620 Какой в этом смысл?
- 00:13:27,370 --> 00:13:29,440 Дай мне коллективный разум.
- 00:13:34,140 --> 00:13:36,090 Прости меня, мама, прости, но мне это нужно.
- 00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:44,120 Охре...
- 00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:46,110 неть!
- 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,100 Возлюбленные собрались, чтобы воссоединиться с пленными,
- 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:55,480 которые с большим рвением шли, а теперь уже бегут к ним в полном синхроне.
- 00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,670 Какое чудесное зрелище, все целуются.
- 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,490 А кто поцеловался, начинает целовать остальных.
- 00:14:00,610 --> 00:14:02,620 Искренние до тошноты поцелуи,
- 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,040 волна любви растекается во всех направлениях.
- 00:14:05,310 --> 00:14:06,150 Здравствуйте, сэр.
- 00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:11,400 Президент выручил нас. Самый лучший президент. Он самый лучший человек. Его мать ошибалась.
- 00:14:12,180 --> 00:14:13,770 Закройте дамский тоннель.
- 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,390 Эй, Рик, а Юнити что...
- 00:14:21,410 --> 00:14:22,800 Она ушла и мне плевать.
- 00:14:23,570 --> 00:14:24,560 Кажись, она вернулась.
- 00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:28,710 Кто заказал ворчливый хер?
- 00:14:28,730 --> 00:14:29,730 Я же извинился.
- 00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:30,280 А вот и нет.
- 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:31,730 Я извинился про себя, завали.
- 00:14:31,750 --> 00:14:34,100 Губернатор, объясните, почему вся Вирджиния
- 00:14:34,130 --> 00:14:36,710 разбежалась во всех направлениях и заблевала страну?
- 00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:40,060 Всё просто, новостник. Они блюют из любви к президенту.
- 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,530 Мы одобряем президента. Все одобряют.
- 00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:46,130 Простите, губернатор, но мне придётся обратиться к Шонде.
- 00:14:46,130 --> 00:14:46,970 Спасибо, Том.
- 00:14:46,990 --> 00:14:50,970 Губернатор, могу заверить, что вне зависимости от вашего личного мнения...
- 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,630 Хороший президент. Президент хороший, хороший, хороший.
- 00:14:55,650 --> 00:14:57,730 Всё нормально? Джош наблевал тебе в р...
- 00:15:00,390 --> 00:15:03,700 Теперь я понял. Ого! Ну какой у нас президент! Одобряю!
- 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:04,730 Президент одобрен.
- 00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:06,870 Вроде бы Юнити обещала так не делать.
- 00:15:06,890 --> 00:15:09,500 Это не Юнити. Запритесь дома и не выходите.
- 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:10,570 Папа ещё в магазине.
- 00:15:10,570 --> 00:15:12,790 Запритесь дома, никуда не выходите и закройте уши.
- 00:15:12,810 --> 00:15:13,810 Ты куда?
- 00:15:14,450 --> 00:15:15,370 На терапию.
- 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,240 Слава богу.
- 00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:35,850 Нанимаю снова.
- 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:37,730 Это Юнити?
- 00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:40,700 Бойфренд твой. Кажется, он установил связь с разлучённым коллективным разумом.
- 00:15:40,870 --> 00:15:43,210 Он ассимилирует всю Землю, и я не успею его остановить.
- 00:15:43,230 --> 00:15:44,650 Ты хочешь, чтобы я с ним поговорила.
- 00:15:44,670 --> 00:15:45,730 Говорить бесполезно.
- 00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:49,030 Человеческий разум не сможет нормально работать, управляя миллионами людей.
- 00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:50,340 Куда же мы летим?
- 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,310 Мне нужна помощь Юнити, а ты должна убедить её, что я того стою.
- 00:15:53,570 --> 00:15:54,170 Но это не так.
- 00:15:54,190 --> 00:15:55,060 Так соври.
- 00:15:58,330 --> 00:16:00,180 Приближается корабль.
- 00:16:00,290 --> 00:16:01,580 Скажи, чтоб разворачивался.
- 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,130 Скажи мне это в лицо, я уже здесь.
- 00:16:03,150 --> 00:16:05,040 Чёрт возьми, но твой корабль...
- 00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:08,420 У тебя свои приблуды, у меня свои. Это мой психотерапевт, она может поручиться за меня.
- 00:16:08,420 --> 00:16:11,340 Мы знакомы. Она была мной недолгое время. Что тебе нужно, Рик?
- 00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:14,530 Слушай, ты явно не врала, когда сказала, что можешь захватить Землю,
- 00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,550 потому что твой палец только что захватил Америку.
- 00:16:16,550 --> 00:16:18,140 Помоги мне всё исправить.
- 00:16:18,140 --> 00:16:20,210 Только после этого ты начал мне доверять?
- 00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:23,600 С чего я должен тебе доверять? Пришла без приглашения и увела целый штат.
- 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,400 Я звонила тебе! Несколько раз!
- 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:27,940 Ты игнорил меня.
- 00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:29,400 Рик, это правда?
- 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,360 Она бросила меня. Нафига мне отвечать на её звонки?
- 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:35,070 Что ж, придётся мне пойти на смертный грех семейной терапии, но, Рик,
- 00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:36,900 думаю, что ты не прав.
- 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,380 Зря я тебя притащил.
- 00:16:38,490 --> 00:16:41,370 Девушка из космоса переживала за твою жизнь,
- 00:16:41,370 --> 00:16:44,620 а твоя реакция вылилась в огромную проблему.
- 00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:45,620 Спасибо.
- 00:16:45,690 --> 00:16:48,940 А теперь ты просишь её простить тебя и решить проблему.
- 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,790 Юнити, мне кажется, что Рик взял меня с собой,
- 00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:54,770 потому что не знает, как показать тебе, что он изменился.
- 00:16:55,050 --> 00:16:57,470 А меняется он очень медленно.
- 00:16:57,470 --> 00:16:58,640 Но меняется же.
- 00:16:59,850 --> 00:17:01,890 Так, кто ещё хочет назвать меня сопляком?
- 00:17:01,910 --> 00:17:04,660 Давайте ещё потянем время, чтобы Земля полностью ассимилировалась.
- 00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:08,310 Хорошо. То есть, ты просишь о вторжении.
- 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,250 Сдержите их! Они меня любят, просто забыли.
- 00:17:48,270 --> 00:17:50,690 Просто забыли. Просто забыли.
- 00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:55,900 Нет! Стойте! Вы меня любите!
- 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,660 Почему вы остановились? Я вас задобрил?
- 00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:04,750 О, отлично. Ты здесь.
- 00:18:04,910 --> 00:18:06,890 Юнити, я их подготовил для тебя.
- 00:18:07,090 --> 00:18:10,920 Они немножко спятили, но не важно, кажется, всё закончилось.
- 00:18:11,210 --> 00:18:14,420 Хелен, как насчёт кофе? Нет, Юнити, что ты делаешь?
- 00:18:16,190 --> 00:18:17,660 Готово, Рик. Этот последний.
- 00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,220 Молодец, Юнька.
- 00:18:19,910 --> 00:18:22,520 Что ж, это был интересный сеанс.
- 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,570 Надеюсь, ты делаешь групповые скидки.
- 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,060 А хотя отправь счёт в Белый Дом.
- 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,850 Я бы ни для кого этого не сделала, Рик.
- 00:18:30,850 --> 00:18:32,520 Да, было здорово снова быть командой.
- 00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:35,420 Нет, я никогда такого не делала.
- 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:39,360 Я ещё никогда не отпускала сотни миллионов людей. Полная лажа.
- 00:19:17,530 --> 00:19:20,240 Ну вот, всё кончено. Молодец, Юнька.
- 00:19:20,490 --> 00:19:21,470 Я в порядке.
- 00:19:21,780 --> 00:19:23,080 Дать обезбол?
- 00:19:23,490 --> 00:19:25,880 Я уже принял несколько штук.
- 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,330 Нет, спасибо.
- 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,310 Ну, ты заходи, если хочешь,
- 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,250 с внуками повидаешься.
- 00:19:32,620 --> 00:19:34,090 Я доверяю тебе.
- 00:19:34,380 --> 00:19:36,390 Очень мило, но я не доверяю тебе.
- 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:38,920 Справедливо.
- 00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:00,890 Привет, Рик, это Юнити.
- 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,270 Перезвони мне, ладно?
- 00:20:03,860 --> 00:20:08,410 Привет, Рик, это Юнити. Не буду ходить вокруг, да около. Я узнала, что ты снова его ищешь.
- 00:20:08,910 --> 00:20:10,850 Я переживаю. Перезвони.
- 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,060 Я понимаю, ты меня игноришь, потому что я тебя бросила.
- 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,460 Но я за тебя переживаю и просто хочу знать, что ты в порядке.
- 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:21,370 Слушай, Рик, я заскочу в Вирджинию, ладно?
- 00:20:21,670 --> 00:20:25,640 Не знаю, в каком штате ты живёшь, но заскочу туда и попробую с тобой связаться.
- 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:26,640 Надеюсь, ты в порядке.
- 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,010 Привет, Рик. Это Дэвид Мискевидж.
- 00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:32,080 Слышал, что ты нахваливал саентологию.
- 00:20:32,110 --> 00:20:33,320 Если хочешь познакомиться с Траволтой...
- 00:20:33,340 --> 00:20:34,050 Вырубай!
- 00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:41,490 Ты... бросил все силы на одобрение, да?
- 00:20:42,620 --> 00:20:43,300 Да.
- 00:20:44,780 --> 00:20:46,740 Шонда сожрёт меня живьём.
- 00:20:46,740 --> 00:20:47,740 В пизду их.
- 00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:49,040 Спасибо, Рик.
- 00:20:51,370 --> 00:20:53,980 Не пойми меня неправильно, но...
- 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,320 кажется, мне нужна терапия.
- 00:21:34,370 --> 00:21:36,380 Мистер Пырчик снова с нами.
- 00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:39,380 Что ты ответишь людям, которые говорят "Не хочу, чтобы меня пыряли,
- 00:21:39,380 --> 00:21:42,710 я просто хочу попасть на съёмки. У меня есть право не получать пером под бок".
- 00:21:42,710 --> 00:21:45,300 Гэри, а у меня есть право на ноги и руки.
- 00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:46,880 Но я родился без них.
- 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:50,930 Это же не значит, что меня надо исключить из индустрии, в которой... будем честны...
- 00:21:50,950 --> 00:21:54,830 вообще нет репрезентации людей с клинками вместо рук и ног.
- 00:21:54,850 --> 00:21:57,350 Но тебе обязательно надо отвечать на вопросы из зала?
- 00:21:57,350 --> 00:22:00,280 Люди приходят на съёмки за впечатлениями.
- 00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:02,150 Не хотели бы - не приходили.
- 00:22:02,150 --> 00:22:06,240 Твоё шоу привело к гибели пятидесяти восьми тысяч человек.
- 00:22:07,610 --> 00:22:09,830 Ну, зато о нём говорят.
- 00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:05,922 Before we move off this topic,
- 00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,091 can I ask if you're currently a hologram?
- 00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,719 Yeah, yeah, h-hold on. One sec.
- 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:13,513 [ Grunts ] Left a bag of Funyuns down there last week.
- 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,974 Didn't want to waste our time. Okay, let's do it.
- 00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:18,893 Therapy me. [ Cellphone vibrates ]
- 00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:21,980 Do you need to take that? No. Just the President.
- 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,773 Maybe we should turn off the phone.
- 00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:25,108 President of the United States.
- 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,526 Thought you might think that was cool.
- 00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:28,278 You like it when people think you're cool?
- 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:31,072 You're extra analytical today. Looking to remodel your kitchen?
- 00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:33,616 President: Sanchez! I know you're in there!
- 00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:36,286 When I call you directly, it's an emergency.
- 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,830 I was in therapy. Don't stigmatize mental health.
- 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,081 How rude of me.
- 00:00:40,081 --> 00:00:41,916 Hello, I'm President Andre Curtis.
- 00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:44,294 Yes, I recognize you. Oh? How nice.
- 00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:47,964 It's not nice to recognize a president. Can we go?
- 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:51,176 In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated
- 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,136 the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Erie
- 00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,013 and replaced her bones with titanium.
- 00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:57,056 She was then bit by several werewolves,
- 00:00:57,056 --> 00:00:59,392 giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon.
- 00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:02,020 Got it. But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun,
- 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,855 who turned Nessie's bones to silver,
- 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,815 giving her the were-version of AIDS.
- 00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:08,318 She sank to the bottom, and we assumed she was dead.
- 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:11,780 But she was only asleep. Now she's awake and hungry.
- 00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,865 You can't date my shrink. What?!
- 00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:16,743 Bro, you're nuts. Then don't date my shrink.
- 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,995 I'm not dating your shrink!
- 00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:20,663 She probably doesn't even like me.
- 00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:22,957 Stand down, Sanchez! Tell him to stand down!
- 00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:24,501 Would you let him bang your therapist?
- 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,211 I don't believe in therapy!
- 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,838 What the hell does that even mean, you don't believe in it?
- 00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:30,924 He's a scientologist. Don't date my shrink!
- 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,926 And don't be a space Mormon! Why not?!
- 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:36,429 It's silly! Sorry, it's a cheap shot.
- 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,598 Worship how you want.
- 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,475 I like Tom Cruise. Thank you.
- 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,353 Therapy's working. Keep it in your pants.
- 00:01:43,353 --> 00:02:15,134 {\an8}♪
- 00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:16,553 [ <i>Applause]</i>
- 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:19,347 <i>Ooh, welcome back to Mr. Stabby!</i>
- 00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:22,058 <i>Let's get another question from the audience!</i>
- 00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,393 Audience member: <i>Ow! Augh!</i>
- 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,687 Why do people get tickets to his tapings?
- 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,564 {\an8}It's a fame-obsessed culture.
- 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,566 {\an8}[ Cellphone vibrates ] Mr. President.
- 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,943 {\an8}President: <i>I've got an emergency, Rick.</i> Another President mission?
- 00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:34,028 {\an8}Y-You just killed the Loch Ness Monster for him.
- 00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,321 {\an8}Tell that little bitch to zip it.
- 00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:36,698 {\an8}You can't talk to me like that!
- 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,116 {\an8}T-Tell him he can't talk to me like that!
- 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,617 {\an8}You can't talk to Morty like that.
- 00:02:39,617 --> 00:02:41,494 {\an8}<i>Whatever.</i> I'll portal over.
- 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:44,998 {\an8}I've seen this one anyway. The audience dies.
- 00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:48,501 {\an8}Rick, thanks for coming.
- 00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,670 {\an8}We've got a situation in the state of Virginia.
- 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,130 {\an8}Bigfoot? That's Montana.
- 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,465 {\an8}Nazis? That's, uh... everywhere.
- 00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:56,217 {\an8}That's an exaggeration, sir.
- 00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:58,303 {\an8}[ Sighs ] Jesus, Carl, you, too?
- 00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:01,264 {\an8}The problem in Virginia is... love.
- 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,808 {\an8}You've heard the state motto, "Virginia is for Lovers"?
- 00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:06,185 {\an8}Well, now they've codified it into law.
- 00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:07,645 {\an8}Virginia has declared itself
- 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,148 {\an8}literally and exclusively for lovers.
- 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,108 {\an8}Sounds boring. It gets worse.
- 00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:15,945 {\an8}There's no crime, no poverty, and suspiciously, no complaints.
- 00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:19,115 {\an8}The governor just hit 100% approval rating.
- 00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:21,200 {\an8}And that's worse? 100%?
- 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,577 {\an8}Get on the web, Dwayne.
- 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,621 {\an8}There's no such thing as 100% of anything.
- 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:28,207 {\an8}America knows and incinerates a cult when it sees one.
- 00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:30,126 {\an8}But I can't do that to all of Virginia,
- 00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:31,711 {\an8}so we need to infiltrate.
- 00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,630 {\an8}I volunteer to do acid to prove I'm not a cop.
- 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,132 {\an8}No lone wolves. We need a crack team for this one.
- 00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:38,134 {\an8}Rick, meet Fleeflak.
- 00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,886 {\an8}He might be able to tell the future.
- 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,554 {\an8}Rick: Might? We're waiting to find out.
- 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,306 {\an8}Onyx here is a weapons specialist,
- 00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,683 {\an8}and our eye in the sky is my chief of staff bot,
- 00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:46,935 {\an8}Chi-Chi. Sleek.
- 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,645 {\an8}Yes, an excellent team.
- 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,647 {\an8}Eh, but there's something missing...
- 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,650 {\an8}a psychology expert, perhaps. Oh, fuck me.
- 00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,109 {\an8}You pretended to need a crack team
- 00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:56,402 {\an8}so you could get Wong's number?
- 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,655 {\an8}Get her number? I own the CIA.
- 00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,657 {\an8}If I wanted, I could get her genome.
- 00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:03,326 {\an8}So you wanted what from me, permission? You got it.
- 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,370 {\an8}It's a free country, so you're always saying.
- 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,163 {\an8}That's certainly all I'd be willing to pay.
- 00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,332 {\an8}You're making me choose? You or her?
- 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,000 There's three billion women on this planet
- 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,044 that have nothing to do with me.
- 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,129 Can you blame them? You suck.
- 00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:17,340 Wait! Danger!
- 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,592 Wow, that's great, buddy.
- 00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:23,054 It's goin' right on the fridge.
- 00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:25,974 {\an8}♪
- 00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,476 I appreciate your lending your expertise to this mission,
- 00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:29,686 Dr. Wong.
- 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,229 Gun? No, thank you.
- 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:34,190 I was surprised to receive your call but excited.
- 00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:36,359 I haven't done field work since grad school.
- 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:37,860 We think the people of Virginia
- 00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:40,363 have become some kind of hippy sex cult.
- 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,865 I haven't done that since grad school, either.
- 00:04:42,865 --> 00:04:46,202 Ho-ho! Dr. Wong, you are a firecracker!
- 00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,121 Sir, we've reached the border.
- 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,455 Halt!
- 00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:52,333 I'm so sorry, Mr. President,
- 00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,335 Virginia is closed to visitors.
- 00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:56,629 I thought it was for lovers. I'm a lover.
- 00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,381 You guys lovers? Mm-hmm.
- 00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,757 I appreciate that,
- 00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,092 but the rest of your country
- 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,177 doesn't need Virginia's love right now.
- 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:05,888 You know, the last time a state talked that way,
- 00:05:05,888 --> 00:05:07,807 we had to have a whole thing.
- 00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,058 And?
- 00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:12,186 And this time, the other side has nukes.
- 00:05:12,186 --> 00:05:14,605 [ Sighs ] Let them in.
- 00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:17,191 Well done, Doctor.
- 00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,401 Call me Helen.
- 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,987 [ Cellphone vibrates ]
- 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,531 [ Cellphone stops ]
- 00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:28,327 As you can see, Virginia has no crime, no poverty.
- 00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:29,787 All goods are freely given.
- 00:05:29,787 --> 00:05:30,997 Communist bastards.
- 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,707 And all goods are freely made.
- 00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:34,375 Communist bastards!
- 00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,169 So, what happened? Tell me the secret.
- 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,629 Well, if I tell you, you'll tell everyone.
- 00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:41,299 But if I <i>show</i> you, you won't have to.
- 00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:43,092 How unsettling and cryptic.
- 00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:44,552 [ Roars ]
- 00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:46,429 Oh!
- 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:49,057 My God! So that's it?
- 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,434 You're all just drunk!
- 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:54,062 Sir! It's some kind of body-snatching hive-mind!
- 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,105 Finally your religion comes in handy!
- 00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:59,859 No! My only chance at meeting Will Smith!
- 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:04,572 {\an8}♪
- 00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:06,240 Pick up your phone, asshole!
- 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,618 When I call, it's an actual emergency!
- 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:11,079 Rick?
- 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,497 Unity.
- 00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,540 Take it easy, take it easy.
- 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,293 I can explain. Just let me get things under control.
- 00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,462 You controlling things is the explanation.
- 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,839 And we agreed you wouldn't do it where I work.
- 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,426 What the fuck are you spraying me with?
- 00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,428 A new scent I picked up after you left.
- 00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:29,013 I call it "Separation."
- 00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:31,307 You concocted a me repellent?
- 00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:34,560 Does that look like a bad idea?
- 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,356 Rick, are you in a relationship with the population of Virginia?
- 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:39,899 We dated.
- 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,694 All: I just want to talk.
- 00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:46,114 I'm pretty sure you have trillions of cellphones.
- 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,199 No, come back! Let's talk!
- 00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:52,161 {\an8}♪
- 00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,955 Thank God you had a crack team with you.
- 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:55,665 Where's Helen? "Helen"?
- 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:58,042 She initiated first name.
- 00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:59,961 Whoa! Call in a chopper!
- 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,420 I'm being cock blocked!
- 00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,256 Rick...
- 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,549 it's me.
- 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,342 I was released from Unity.
- 00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,302 Cool. So you won't mind if I spray this.
- 00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,429 I won't, but we're surrounded
- 00:07:10,429 --> 00:07:12,557 and Unity knows your reload time.
- 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,476 I really believe you and Unity should talk.
- 00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,937 How would you know? You're just a nutritionist.
- 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,690 When you work in nutritionism as long as I have,
- 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,359 you get a certain feel.
- 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,280 All: Calm down.
- 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,907 We came because we're worried about you.
- 00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:32,201 Why? We hear things, Rick.
- 00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:36,956 I tried calling, but is it true you're looking for... him again?
- 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,042 You almost died last time. That's none of your business.
- 00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,545 All: You're our business. You quit that business!
- 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,046 And you're fired from that business!
- 00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:46,215 And I'm using your last paycheck to cover the stapler
- 00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:48,885 you stole which was my heart!
- 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,554 Civil War, baby!
- 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,222 [ People screaming ]
- 00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:55,725 Sorry! That was supposed to be suppressive!
- 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,729 Aah! Aah! Rick, wait!
- 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,731 Aah!
- 00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,900 Thank you, Andre. Thank <i>you,</i> Helen.
- 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,277 It's time to put these bastards on ice.
- 00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:08,070 Cue up the dome!
- 00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:09,739 Yes, sir!
- 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:23,336 {\an8}♪
- 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,587 Ow!
- 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:30,927 {\an8}♪
- 00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,638 Do you have a dome the size of every state?
- 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:37,225 [ Chuckles ] You'll need a second date for that answer.
- 00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,810 Barf.
- 00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:43,731 {\an8}News Anchor: A nation in turmoil tonight as the entire state of Virginia
- 00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:46,275 {\an8}continues to be trapped inside an energy dome.
- 00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:47,693 {\an8}The White House released a statement dismissing
- 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:51,447 {\an8}the President's shouts of "Civil War, baby," as hyperbole.
- 00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:53,074 {\an8}Shonda, what do we make of that?
- 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,825 {\an8}More like Hyper Bully, Tom.
- 00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,661 {\an8}Oh, shit. Shonda came to play.
- 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,079 {\an8}This President has been in office
- 00:08:58,079 --> 00:08:59,956 {\an8}for how many alien invasions?
- 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,624 <i>Not to mention the mutant turkeys,</i>
- 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,626 <i>the abandoned White House orbiting our planet,</i>
- 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,294 <i>the eco-conscious dinosaurs.</i>
- 00:09:05,294 --> 00:09:07,380 <i>Then he sees Virginia with its perfect economy</i>
- 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,923 <i>and synchronized lawn mowing,</i>
- 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,467 <i>so he shoots them and puts them in a dome?</i>
- 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:14,095 <i>Classic Curtis.</i> Will someone mute the goddamn news?
- 00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,639 If I want a list of my failures, I'd dig up my mother.
- 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:19,225 I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry, that's a turnoff, right?
- 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,560 Guy screaming about his mother in a war room?
- 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,604 Sanchez! America hates your dome!
- 00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:25,898 How long is it going to be up? Hope you marked that.
- 00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,900 It was his dome in the chopper, now it's mine.
- 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,611 It will contain that part of Unity until I shut it down,
- 00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:33,572 because one of us here knows how to set boundaries.
- 00:09:33,572 --> 00:09:36,993 Rick, I agree that my accepting this mission was inappropriate.
- 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,577 When I was invited, I didn't know--
- 00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:40,204 That he was hitting on you?
- 00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:42,832 I was aware of potential romantic motivations.
- 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,792 And I was open to them. Bam.
- 00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:47,378 But I did not know you and I would be crossing paths.
- 00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,921 You mean you didn't care
- 00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:50,673 because, on one hand, you got professional ethics
- 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:52,675 and, in the other hand, you got world-famous schlong.
- 00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,635 Now I get to beat you. Bring it.
- 00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,345 Alien vessel approaching Earth!
- 00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:57,847 It's hailing us! Put it through.
- 00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,016 I don't work for you. You couldn't. You suck.
- 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,475 I'll do it.
- 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:02,768 <i>Mr. President.</i>
- 00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,603 Lady, you bring that ship to America's planet,
- 00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:06,480 I'm launching 4,000 warheads,
- 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,482 3,000 of which will turn out to work.
- 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:11,235 Then I'll call China, and you're really fucked.
- 00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,611 Let's listen to Unity.
- 00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:14,363 Are you still here? Are you?
- 00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:16,115 <i>If I wanted Earth, I would have taken it.</i>
- 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,575 Oh, bullshit. Gimme a break.
- 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,243 <i>You cut eight million pieces of me off.</i>
- 00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:20,828 <i>It hurt.</i> Boo-hoo.
- 00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,621 <i>You've made it clear we can't be friends, Rick,</i>
- 00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:24,457 <i>but I need to reconnect those people</i>
- 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,042 <i>so I can properly release them.</i>
- 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,002 <i>They're hosting a mindless collective.</i>
- 00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:31,088 <i>If it connects to another mind, it could become its own colony.</i>
- 00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:32,715 Wow, you made a PowerPoint?
- 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,259 <i>I needed you to understand how serious this is.</i>
- 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,470 I can handle it. We got the spray, bitch!
- 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,138 Don't talk to them like that.
- 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:41,057 Rick, do you not trust Unity?
- 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,433 Shut up. Apologize.
- 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,226 Eat me. <i>Do you not trust me, Rick?</i>
- 00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:46,354 Who would?! Let Rick answer.
- 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,855 Baby, I know you want to help, but--
- 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:50,274 Andre, I think we need to move slower.
- 00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:51,817 Slower? I haven't even touched you,
- 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,235 and you're already back seat war rooming.
- 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:54,904 Andre. Helen. <i>Rick?</i>
- 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,155 I don't trust you.
- 00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,990 You ghosted me to focus on your work.
- 00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,784 Your work is absorbing the universe.
- 00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,827 But it's my universe. Please go.
- 00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:04,246 We'll spray the Virginians before they touch anyone.
- 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,790 I'm sorry you lost a finger,
- 00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:07,917 but that's the price of surprise butt play.
- 00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,419 Goodbye. <i>Goodbye.</i>
- 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:12,046 Alien vessel is departing.
- 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,465 Good job, people. I'll run the aerosol cannon
- 00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:16,258 from the chopper. We need the optics.
- 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,885 Send out a press release.
- 00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:20,388 "President sprays Virginia with the opposite of bullets."
- 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,764 Write it better than that.
- 00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,808 You riding shotgun, or you staying butt hurt?
- 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,352 Suck my dick and lose my number. You too.
- 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:29,855 If you invite me to the wedding, I will shit in the punch.
- 00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:33,818 He'll be back. What would you like for dinner?
- 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,028 I'm not interested in taking this further.
- 00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,155 What? Why? That's insane.
- 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,241 How can you be a therapist and insane?
- 00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:43,285 Since you're asking for feedback, my sincere advice
- 00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:45,996 is that you overcome your need for approval.
- 00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,915 Okay, you want to play it that way?
- 00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,459 There's an exit tunnel by the ladies' room.
- 00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:54,130 It gets lots of use! And not just by sex workers!
- 00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:57,633 Can you at least tell security <i>I</i> did the dumping?
- 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,513 Uh... you okay?
- 00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:03,722 Yes.
- 00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,808 The news said Virginia was a hive-mind.
- 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,643 Yes. Was it--
- 00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:09,645 Yes! Oh, my God, dude, whatever.
- 00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:11,981 When's the last time you saw your therapist? Today!
- 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,691 Well, then she sucks! No shit!
- 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,818 Stop yelling at me! I need boundaries!
- 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,320 Well, here's a big one, fuck face!
- 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,448 [ Door slams ]
- 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:21,991 Sorry.
- 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:26,495 {\an8}♪
- 00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:28,330 Arriving at the dome, sir.
- 00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,957 Good! I don't need anybody!
- 00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,876 What? What? I said good!
- 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,544 Tell me when we're there! We are!
- 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:36,505 Roger that! Just gonna see how we're looking!
- 00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:38,716 <i>And there's Helicopter One with the aforementioned gas,</i>
- 00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:41,135 <i>and you can actually see President Curtis inside,</i>
- 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,929 <i>checking his phone to see if this will make people like him.</i>
- 00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:46,557 <i>There he is frowning now, of course, as he realizes</i>
- 00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:49,518 <i>no amount of spectacle is going to undo his last debacle.</i>
- 00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:52,438 <i>Shonda?</i> Ohh, not Shonda. She hates me.
- 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,190 <i>It's true, Tom. I mean, yes,</i>
- 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,150 <i>President Curtis is going to release Virginia</i>
- 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,319 <i>from yet another alien threat,</i>
- 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,362 <i>but when they are free to speak their minds,</i>
- 00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:01,822 <i>does he really think they're going to say,</i>
- 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:03,199 <i>"Wow, what a President"?</i>
- 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,533 Deactivating dome, sir!
- 00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,035 <i>The fact is, nothing short of literally</i>
- 00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:08,078 <i>a 100% percent approval rating</i>
- 00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:10,873 <i>is gonna save Curtis in the next election.</i>
- 00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:13,709 Let her rip, sir!
- 00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:18,172 100% approval.
- 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:20,799 Whoopsie! I- I-I'll be right back! Sir?
- 00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:22,259 I just gotta get the thing.
- 00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,762 Wha? Huh? How is that going to work?
- 00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:31,018 Give it to me. Give me that hive!
- 00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:36,315 Mother forgive me. Just forgive me. I need it.
- 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,900 [ Swallows ]
- 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,529 [ All gasp ]
- 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,656 Holy...
- 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,825 All: Shit!
- 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,579 {\an8}Loved ones are gathered here to reunite with the captives,
- 00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,623 {\an8}who appear to walking, quite eagerly,
- 00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,875 {\an8}and now running, in perfect unison, toward them.
- 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,919 {\an8}Such a beautiful scene-- everyone kissing.
- 00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,922 {\an8}And now everyone that got kisses is kissing everyone else.
- 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,049 {\an8}Heartfelt, almost disgusting kisses.
- 00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:04,593 {\an8}The wave of affection is headed in all directions.
- 00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:07,179 {\an8}Hello, sir. The President has saved us.
- 00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:08,806 {\an8}He's the best president.
- 00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:10,724 <i>The best man, really, ever. His mother was wrong.</i>
- 00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:13,519 Uh-oh. Did somebody close the lady tunnel?
- 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:16,063 [ Screeching ]
- 00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:17,606 [ People screaming ]
- 00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:20,943 Hey, Rick, w-w-was Unity--
- 00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,903 She's gone, and I don't care!
- 00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:25,656 I think she's back. Hmm?
- 00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,992 Someone order cranky dick?
- 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,618 I said I was sorry. No, you didn't.
- 00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,245 I said it quietly. Shut up.
- 00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:33,414 {\an8}<i>Now, Governor, can you explain why all of Virginia ran</i>
- 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,958 {\an8}<i>in all directions and puked on everyone in the country?</i>
- 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:39,461 {\an8}<i>It's simple, News Man. They puke in love of the president.</i>
- 00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:42,131 {\an8}<i>We approve of the president. Everyone does.</i>
- 00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,508 {\an8}[ <i>Chuckles</i> ] <i>Sorry, Governor, but you're making me</i>
- 00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:46,218 {\an8}<i>bring Shonda into this.</i> <i>Thanks, Tom.</i>
- 00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:48,637 {\an8}<i>Governor, I can assure you that no matter</i>
- 00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,472 {\an8}<i>how you personally may feel--</i>
- 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:54,977 {\an8}<i>Good president. President good, good, good.</i>
- 00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:58,397 {\an8}<i>Are you okay? Uh, Josh just vomited into your mou--</i>
- 00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,941 {\an8}<i>Oh! Ha! I get it now!</i>
- 00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,359 {\an8}<i>Wow! What a president!</i>
- 00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:04,445 {\an8}<i>Approval here!</i> <i>President approved!</i>
- 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,405 {\an8}I thought Unity promised to never do this.
- 00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:08,824 That's not Unity. You kids stay inside and lock up.
- 00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:10,200 Dad's still out shopping.
- 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,328 Then stay inside, lock up, and plug your ears.
- 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:15,664 Where are you going? Therapy.
- 00:15:15,664 --> 00:15:17,583 Thank God.
- 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:20,502 [ People screaming, glass shatters ]
- 00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:24,673 {\an8}♪
- 00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:25,924 Huh?
- 00:15:25,924 --> 00:15:27,259 Aah!
- 00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,304 [ Screams ]
- 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:31,722 Aah!
- 00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:36,060 You're rehired.
- 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,145 Is-- Is that Unity? It's your boyfriend.
- 00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:40,147 He must have linked with the severed hive-mind.
- 00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:41,482 He's going to assimilate the Earth
- 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,900 faster than I can fight it.
- 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,193 And you want me to talk to him?
- 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,444 There's no talking to him.
- 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,029 No human mind can keep itself together
- 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:48,656 while controlling millions of people.
- 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,699 So where are we going? I need Unity's help.
- 00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,202 So you need to convince her I'm worth it.
- 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:55,496 You aren't. So lie.
- 00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:57,665 [ Alarm blaring ]
- 00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,541 Ship AI: <i>Inbound vessel detected.</i>
- 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,960 Tell him to turn around. Tell me in person.
- 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,962 I'm already here. Goddamn it! But your ship was just--
- 00:16:03,962 --> 00:16:05,881 You have your gimmicks, I have mine.
- 00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:07,883 This is my therapist. She can vouch for me.
- 00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:09,677 We met. She was me for a second.
- 00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:12,304 What do you want, Rick? Look, it's clear you weren't lying
- 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,972 when you said you could've taken over Earth
- 00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:15,974 because your finger just took over America.
- 00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:17,393 I need you to help me fix that.
- 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,520 Oh, it took that to make you believe me?
- 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:20,896 Why should I believe you?
- 00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:23,190 You show up unannounced and hijack a state.
- 00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:25,901 I called you! Multiple times!
- 00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:27,403 You ghosted me!
- 00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,737 Rick, is that true?
- 00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:30,698 She dumped me. Why would I answer her calls?
- 00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,658 Alright, I'm going to commit a cardinal sin
- 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:36,161 in couple's therapy here, but, Rick, I think you're wrong.
- 00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:37,913 Bringing you was a mistake.
- 00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:40,708 You had an outer-space lady who was worried for your life,
- 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:44,336 and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem.
- 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,754 Thank you.
- 00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,298 Now you're asking her to both forgive you and solve it?
- 00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:50,884 Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here
- 00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:54,263 is that he doesn't know how to indicate to you he's changed,
- 00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,974 because he's changing very slowly.
- 00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,226 But he is.
- 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:01,228 Alright, anyone else wanna call me a baby?
- 00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:04,815 Maybe we can drag this out until Earth is fully assimilated?
- 00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:08,527 Alright. So you're asking for an invasion?
- 00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:22,082 {\an8}♪
- 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,710 [ Creatures screeching ]
- 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:45,105 {\an8}♪
- 00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:47,649 Hold 'em back! They love me, they just forgot!
- 00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:50,360 All: They just forgot! They just forgot!
- 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,489 {\an8}♪
- 00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,824 No! Stop! You love me!
- 00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:59,453 W-Why are you stopping? I've won you over?
- 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,416 Oh, good! You're here!
- 00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,502 Unity, kept them warm for you.
- 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,212 They went a little crazy, but, uh...
- 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:10,672 Anyway, seems like this is all over.
- 00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:12,424 Helen, we could grab some coffee.
- 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,968 Wait, Unity, what are you doing?
- 00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,679 Alright, Rick, that's everyone.
- 00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,181 Nice job, Une.
- 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,100 Well, this has been quite a session.
- 00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:24,353 Hope you do group discounts.
- 00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,939 Actually, just send the bill to the White House.
- 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,108 I wouldn't be doing this for anyone else, Rick.
- 00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:32,194 Yeah, it was nice to team up again.
- 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:34,696 No, I mean I wouldn't be doing it.
- 00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:37,658 I've never released hundreds of millions of people before.
- 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,661 This is gonna suck.
- 00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,871 [ Sighs ]
- 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,958 [ Groaning ]
- 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,461 {\an8}♪
- 00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,588 [ Groaning ]
- 00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:59,805 {\an8}♪
- 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,723 [ Cellphones chiming ]
- 00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:05,144 {\an8}♪
- 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,396 [ Engines turn over, horns honking ]
- 00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:14,069 {\an8}♪
- 00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:16,864 [ Breathes deeply ]
- 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,867 Here, it's over. Nice job, Une.
- 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:22,703 I'm fine. You want a painkiller?
- 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,706 I, uh, I'm on a few of them right now.
- 00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,082 No, thank you.
- 00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:29,418 I mean, you can hang out if you want,
- 00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:32,087 come see the kids,
- 00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:33,839 I trust you now.
- 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,426 That's nice, but I don't trust you.
- 00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,595 Fair enough.
- 00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,895 [ Sighs ]
- 00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:54,943 [ Can tab pops ]
- 00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:57,446 [ Slurps ]
- 00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:58,780 [ Machine beeps ]
- 00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,699 Unity: <i>Hey, Rick, it's Unity.</i>
- 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,160 <i>Uh, give me a call, okay?</i>
- 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,661 <i>Hey, Rick. Unity.</i>
- 00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,246 <i>Look, cards on the table,</i>
- 00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:08,123 <i>I heard you were going after that guy again.</i>
- 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,500 <i>Just made me worried. Give me a call.</i>
- 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,253 <i>Look, I get it, I dumped you. You're ignoring me.</i>
- 00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:17,007 <i>But I care about you, and I-I just wanna know you're alright.</i>
- 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:20,761 <i>Hey, Rick, listen, I'm just gonna stop by Virginia, okay?</i>
- 00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:22,721 <i>I don't know what state you live in,</i>
- 00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,598 <i>but I'll camp out there and try to reach you.</i>
- 00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,183 <i>Hope you're okay.</i>
- 00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,310 David Miscavige: <i>Hey, Rick. David Miscavige here.</i>
- 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,187 <i>Heard you were saying some really great things</i>
- 00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,605 <i>about Scientology.</i>
- 00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:33,065 <i>If you ever wanna meet Travolta--</i>
- 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,441 End playback!
- 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:41,406 You, uh, really went all in on that approval, huh?
- 00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,533 Yeah.
- 00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,286 Shonda's gonna eat me alive.
- 00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:47,704 Eh, fuck 'em.
- 00:20:47,704 --> 00:20:50,332 Thanks, Rick. [ Slurps ]
- 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:53,961 Don't take this the wrong way, but. uh...
- 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:57,506 I think I might need therapy.
- 00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:33,792 {\an8}♪
- 00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:35,794 And we're back with Mr. Stabby.
- 00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:38,797 What do you say to people who say, "I don't want to get stabbed.
- 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:42,050 I want to go a show. I have a right to not get stabbed"?
- 00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:44,636 Well, Gary, I have a right to arms and legs.
- 00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,388 But I wasn't born with those.
- 00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:48,473 And I don't think that means I should be boxed out
- 00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,350 of an industry where, let's face it,
- 00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:52,477 there's zero representation of people
- 00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:54,229 with swords for arms and legs.
- 00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:56,732 But do you have to take questions from the audience?
- 00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:59,526 People come to my show because they want the experience.
- 00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:01,695 If they didn't want it, they'd stop coming.
- 00:22:01,695 --> 00:22:06,658 Your show has resulted in the deaths of 58,000 attendees.
- 00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:10,120 Well, you're talking about it.
- 00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:13,081 Man: Did you get any of that?