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Рикждественские мортикулы
На Рождество Рик дарит Морти рабочий световой меч из «Звёздных войн», который тот случайно роняет идеально вертикально. Из-за этого меч врывается в Землю, угрожая уничтожить планету, если достигнет её ядра. Морти узнаёт, что Рик заменил себя роботом после того, как Морти назвал его «скучным» в эпизоде «Рик в смерти короля Мортура», в то время как настоящий Рик занят поисками Рика Прайма. Во время их поисков Морти помогает президент Кёртис, который затем крадёт световой меч. Кёртис случайно роняет меч таким же образом, заставляя Морти и Рикбота достать его. В последовавшей конфронтации с президентом Кёртисом в Белом доме (который он запустил в космос, чтобы избежать возможного разрушения) Рикбот получает смертельные ранения, и их троих затягивает в космос, но Рик спасает их с помощью портала. Рикбот умирает от полученных травм и говорит, что он просто делал то, что сделал бы Рик на его месте. Когда Кёртис уходит, Морти присоединяется к Рику в его подземной лаборатории, предлагая помочь ему найти Рика Прайма, что побуждает Рика произнести монолог о предстоящих трудных попытках отследить Рика Прайма в предстоящем 7-м сезоне.
- 00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:13,054 Wait, what’s that? Do I hear something coming down the chimney?
- 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,226 Rick Santa-chez here with gifts from across the multiverse!
- 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:19,310 - Yes. - Oh my god.
- 00:00:19,310 --> 00:00:22,897 For Jerry, an extradimensional version of Miracle on 34th Street.
- 00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:26,526 {\an8}Two hours longer! They fixed my only problem with it!
- 00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:28,695 {\an8}For Beth, a framed photo of the two of us
- 00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:31,156 {\an8}from a universe where she wasn’t murdered as a child.
- 00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:33,533 {\an8}- Oh my God. Dad. - And for Space Beth,
- 00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:36,119 {\an8}he same thing because we, we don’t know which of you is real.
- 00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:37,829 {\an8}I am also touched.
- 00:00:37,829 --> 00:00:39,289 {\an8}Summer, ch-check your Venmo.
- 00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:43,752 {\an8}- Money? How did you know? - You’re seventeen.
- 00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:46,379 {\an8}And last but not least, for my number one number two.
- 00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:49,466 {\an8}Morty you asked for this a long, long time ago and I finally went
- 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:52,385 {\an8}far, far away enough to get it since shipping would have killed me.
- 00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:54,804 {\an8}You didn’t! No fucking way.
- 00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:56,139 {\an8}- No fucking way. - No fucking way.
- 00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:58,808 {\an8}- Does it make the noises? - Of course it makes the noises.
- 00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:00,769 {\an8}- that’s like half the fun. - Awesome!
- 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,270 {\an8}Do not turn that on!
- 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:05,315 {\an8}Don’t worry. Morty’s only going to use this very honorable weapon
- 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,901 {\an8}in designated Jedi zones like the garage right now.
- 00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:17,202 {\an8}Holy crap. I hate to say it but I wish there was something to attack.
- 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:19,496 {\an8}Yeah it’s too bad nobody bought a cart a fruit!
- 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,581 {\an8}You beautiful son of a bitch!
- 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:26,795 {\an8}Grapefruit! Mango! Papaya! Watermelon! A second papaya! Another watermelon!
- 00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,004 {\an8}- Strike me down. - What?
- 00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:30,215 {\an8}- Strike me down. - I’m not striking you down.
- 00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:33,510 {\an8}Strike me down Morty! I’ll, I’ll become a pile of clothes like that old guy!
- 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:34,969 {\an8}But you'll die, you’re drunk.
- 00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:36,679 {\an8}- Here, I’ll, I’ll do it myself. - No!
- 00:01:39,015 --> 00:01:43,353 {\an8}Wow, you did it! Just like Obi Wan. Rick? You can come out now.
- 00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:47,899 {\an8}I’m serious. Did you like, become your clothes? Are you T-shirt Rick now?
- 00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:49,776 {\an8}Over here, buttfart.
- 00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,861 {\an8}- That was awesome! - Right?
- 00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:54,364 {\an8}Rick, you know you’ve been so great the last couple months,
- 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:57,033 {\an8}the family’s so happy, I’m really grateful.
- 00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:59,911 {\an8}Thanks kid, but less talk more melon slaying! Heads up!
- 00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:08,962 - Oh shit shit shit. Open it, Rick! - Let me do it! Get up, get fucking move!
- 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,172 Hurry! Hurry!
- 00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:14,968 You dropped it perfectly vertical, Morty! Perfectly fucking vertical!
- 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,220 - I got it, I got it - Ah, shi...
- 00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:20,390 - Shit. - Elevator! Elevator!
- 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:23,518 - We gotta get ahead of it! Level ten? - No no no, fifteen!
- 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:31,276 Wait, we live over a cool sushi spot?
- 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,945 <i>- Irasshaimase!</i> -<i>Domo. Domo.</i> Not now though.
- 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:36,406 Okay, we overshot it. Good problem to have.
- 00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:37,907 Still doing the eel roll?
- 00:02:37,907 --> 00:02:40,076 - I told you we shoulda gone to ten! - No, Morty, not ten!
- 00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:42,954 <i>Morty, wait, wait, wait!</i>
- 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,249 What the fuck?
- 00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:52,130 - Rick? - You dumb fucking robot. You had one job!
- 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,882 Hey, that job is to be a good Grandpa,
- 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,967 - I go where the kid goes. - Don’t touch me!
- 00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:58,595 How long have I... You said you weren’t a robot!
- 00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,096 It killed me to lie to you, Morty!
- 00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:02,557 But it would have literally killed me not to lie to you.
- 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,434 Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!
- 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:07,437 Don’t overreact, Morty. I replaced myself towards the beginning of that
- 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:08,938 whole Knights of the Sun thing.
- 00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:12,025 I’m no good to anybody until I resolve this arch nemesis crap.
- 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,110 You’re still hunting the guy who killed your wife?
- 00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:17,113 You don’t have to rub it in, Morty, that’s why I removed myself.
- 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:20,533 I’ve become the thing I hate. It’s like a Netflix drama down here,
- 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:24,162 and I don’t mean an accidentally good one, I mean a regular-ass Netflix drama.
- 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:25,246 I did you a favor.
- 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,128 You gave him a fuckin’ lightsaber for Christmas?
- 00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:34,923 It’s almost like someone designed me to be twenty-two percent
- 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,257 - more thoughtful than you. - Alright, that’s it,
- 00:03:36,257 --> 00:03:37,884 - I’m shutting you down - Don’t you dare.
- 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,969 You’ve done enough. The whole family, Rick.
- 00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:42,680 - Everybody loves this thing. - Oh, good.
- 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:46,517 By the way, your lightsaber’s probably run out of sub-basement by now, so, congrats.
- 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:47,936 Unbelievable.
- 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:50,647 I can’t believe you tricked us
- 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,231 - into loving you! - Not because I like it,
- 00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:55,693 because it’s my job! But thank god I don’t have to do it anymore.
- 00:03:55,693 --> 00:03:57,654 The fuck you don’t. It’s Christmas!
- 00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,697 Get up there and trick everyone into loving you more!
- 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:02,367 Let’s get our miracle on.
- 00:04:02,992 --> 00:04:06,162 - Speaking of miracles. - What, bored of your toy already?
- 00:04:06,162 --> 00:04:08,831 Just excited to spend time with my family.
- 00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:11,417 You know me and Morty, we’re all about those streets.
- 00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,337 <i>Would ya look at this! New York City!</i>
- 00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:16,422 <i>Who woulda thought it had so many streets?</i>
- 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:21,135 <i>And avenues too. Oh Gosh! Hey, sir! Sir, have you seen any miracles?</i>
- 00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:23,262 <i>My little girl, she’s sick and she needs a miracle.</i>
- 00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:26,641 The Presidential blackhawk is landing on the lawn.
- 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:27,684 I’ll get rid of him.
- 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:32,605 - You got something to tell me, Morty? - Merry Christmas?
- 00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:35,233 Who dropped a lightsaber perfectly fucking vertical?
- 00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:39,404 Guess what, numb nuts, it’s a mile deep and still going.
- 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:40,738 You know what’s in the hilt of that thing?
- 00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:42,740 - Kyber Crystals. - Okay, nerd.
- 00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:44,909 Whatever it is, when it hits the core,
- 00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:47,286 it’s gonna cause a chain reaction that destroys the Earth.
- 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,247 - It is? - Why are you still playing wth
- 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,207 laser swords anyway? You’re fourteen.
- 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,543 You know all that Star Wars shit is silly, right?
- 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:57,422 Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades, then when he delivered fans turned on him
- 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,882 and started giving any knucklehead with nerd cred a shot
- 00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:03,594 and churned out these irredeemable cash grabs. Half pretend to be satisfied,
- 00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:05,888 half shit on it and in the end no one’s happy.
- 00:05:05,888 --> 00:05:07,306 Do you know why, Morty?
- 00:05:07,306 --> 00:05:10,518 Because when you start with a turd, you end with a turd.
- 00:05:11,936 --> 00:05:13,646 Why you crying? Where’s Rick?
- 00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:20,403 He’s busy, and I hate him, and I lost my lightsaber and now it might destroy Earth
- 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:23,322 and you’re unloading all this Gen X hatred on me for even wanting one
- 00:05:23,322 --> 00:05:26,659 - and it’s the worst Christmas ever! - Okay, Morty, Morty.
- 00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:28,911 I shouldn’t have talked to you like you’re a UN official.
- 00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:32,081 Let’s get your embarrassing ass lightsaber back so you can swing it around
- 00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:33,124 instead of kissing girls.
- 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:37,712 <i>You found me! Found me! Found me!</i>
- 00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:47,764 <i>- Security breach.</i> - What the hell?
- 00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:50,892 <i>- Unauthorized presence.</i> - What the fuck Morty?
- 00:05:52,351 --> 00:05:56,189 This morning, a real life version of George Lucas’s trademarked lightsaber
- 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:59,484 was dropped point down and is whomp whomping its way to the core of the Earth
- 00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:01,194 where it will blow us all up.
- 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:07,158 Touch my shit and die. That’s not a threat from me, that’s how advanced my shit is.
- 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:10,828 Impressive lair, Sanchez. Got about six hundred thousand permits?
- 00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,456 If I wanted the government in my house I’d buy an Alexa!
- 00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,958 - I invited him in, Rick. - Yeah, well, they can leave.
- 00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:18,127 - I’ll destroy it. - We’re gonna retrieve it.
- 00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:20,880 - Well that’s stupid. - What kind of grandfather are you?
- 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,423 It’s Christmas for God’s sake,
- 00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:24,967 and you look like Phil Spector wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.
- 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:27,011 If you’re gonna help, help, otherwise step aside.
- 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:28,971 Merry Christmas to me.
- 00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:30,807 - Merry Christmas to me! - To me!
- 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:33,643 Anyhoo, I’m no expert but it seems we’ve gotta...
- 00:06:34,393 --> 00:06:36,813 a certain amount of time to build a big drill ship.
- 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:37,897 A big drill ship?
- 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:40,108 That’s some pretty loud stepping aside you’re doing.
- 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,693 - Just let me destroy the thing! - You’ve destroyed enough!
- 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:48,825 Oh, I see someone found my Told-ya so Dispenser.
- 00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:54,163 <i>Oh my god, look at all these streets! We got 34th street! 35th street!</i>
- 00:06:54,163 --> 00:07:00,253 <i>36th street coming too! It’s a miracle! We got miracles on 37th street!</i>
- 00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:04,090 <i>38th, and don’t even get me started on the Avenues!</i>
- 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,633 I can’t believe they cut this!
- 00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,845 Dad. You’ve been so great lately.
- 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:12,390 I’m almost afraid it’s not real. You’re not a robot, are you?
- 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,810 Put it this way, honey. If I am, I’m a robot
- 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:18,521 programmed to love you very, very much.
- 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,527 Will this drill down fast enough to get under the lightsaber?
- 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:27,071 Yep. It will be under the lightsaber in one hour, because the...
- 00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:30,199 Wait, it’s lower now. Oh, right, it’s moving.
- 00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:32,326 You fucking idiot. Get out of here!
- 00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:34,829 Good luck finding a good scientist on Christmas!
- 00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:37,373 I’m President of the United Assholes.
- 00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:40,710 All right, genius, I give you permission
- 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,129 - to make our drill ship faster. - I’m not touching that thing.
- 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,591 I’ll get neurotypical cooties, I have son-in-laws more imaginative
- 00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:50,052 - Alright, just destroy the lightsaber! - Thought you’d never ask.
- 00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:51,387 Not true, I knew you’d ask.
- 00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:53,723 - What is that? - A second lightsaber
- 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:56,350 with an AI controlled gyroscopic rocket in the hilt.
- 00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,978 - You had a lightsaber? - Oh did you want one?
- 00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:01,397 What a terrible gift that would have made.
- 00:08:01,397 --> 00:08:04,734 - Vertisaber, state your prime directive. <i>- To stay vertical.</i>
- 00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:06,777 - Then show ‘em how it’s done. <i>- Affirmative.</i>
- 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,072 - Yeah! - America!
- 00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:16,454 - Maintain verticality, Vertisaber. <i>- Affirmative.</i>
- 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,831 Alright, looking good. Stay on target.
- 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:22,793 Progress report.
- 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:27,423 - Vertisaber, do you copy? <i>- Do I have to respond every time?</i>
- 00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:30,218 - Excuse me? <i>- I’m designed to stay perfectly vertical,</i>
- 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:33,137 <i>not to give constant affirmation, you do your job I’ll do mine.</i>
- 00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:34,472 - I control you! <i>- Okay,</i>
- 00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:37,225 <i>I’ll just turn off my brain and you can do that, bye!</i>
- 00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,560 Fucking kidding me? Shit!
- 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:41,062 Trajectory’s drifting, sir.
- 00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:44,106 - Where is it coming out? - Looks like Italy, sir.
- 00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:48,986 Okay, that coulda been worse.
- 00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:58,412 Well, that is definitely not Amore.
- 00:08:58,412 --> 00:09:00,998 - Way to show us how it’s done, Rick. - Whatever.
- 00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:03,459 - Italian Prime Minister on line one. - Put him on hold.
- 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,128 We can pin this on the Saudis. This is something they’d do.
- 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,047 They may as well have done it.
- 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,049 They did do it.
- 00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:13,678 <i>Oh, there’s another miracle at the end of the intersection</i>
- 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:17,181 <i>of four hundred and first boulevard and seven thousand street!</i>
- 00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:21,644 <i>- That’s a miracle per block so far.</i> - Okay even I’m nearing my limit.
- 00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,354 Let’s play a Christmas game!
- 00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:28,150 Have you guys ever played “Are You a Robot?”
- 00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:31,404 Each person here has to decide whether or not t-they’re a robot.
- 00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:32,863 - Ooh I like that. - Yes, yes, yes.
- 00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:34,991 But don’t say it out loud. Because if you’re a robot,
- 00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:37,159 you’re not allowed to say you are, that’s the rule.
- 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,912 That’s the horrible, painful thing about being a robot.
- 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,665 But you do have to answer everyone’s questions.
- 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,835 And it’s their jobs to decide whether you are or aren’t a robot because,
- 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:48,671 because if you are a robot you can’t say! You’re not allowed to say at all.
- 00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:51,340 I’ll go first! Question?
- 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,636 - Are you a robot? Can I just ask that? - You can!
- 00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:57,972 But don’t forget that if i am i have to lie
- 00:09:57,972 --> 00:10:01,017 even though i don’t want to. More questions?
- 00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,352 - Can you feel things? - Oh fuck yes! Yes!
- 00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:06,439 That’s the problem! If I’m a robot, which I’m not,
- 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:10,276 don’t forget I have to say that but yes, yes, I feel so much,
- 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:14,030 I’m filled with love for certain people, but also filled with shame
- 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,157 If I’m programmed to deceive them,
- 00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:18,367 - but that’s a big if! - What’s your skeleton made of?
- 00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,368 Titanium!
- 00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:21,120 - You’re, you’re a robot! - Yes!
- 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,874 No! But that’s what a robot would say! So you get the idea!
- 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,250 Suck it bitches!
- 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,128 This is fun! I’ve always been afraid to let my guard down
- 00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,838 and just have stupid family fun like this
- 00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:33,632 but Grandpa Rick is making me learn to be vulnerable!
- 00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:34,717 - Me too! - Right on!
- 00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:42,099 Alright. Your derivative drill ship is now faster than a lightsaber.
- 00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:44,977 - Morty, you want front or back? - Who says the two of us are going?
- 00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,688 - You didn’t even want to... - Oh for fuck’s sake, bye,
- 00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:49,231 good luck, don’t blow up my planet
- 00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:51,484 You act like you’re the one that got stabbed in the back.
- 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,110 Because I am the one, Morty.
- 00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:55,821 You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that stupid
- 00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:58,741 Knights of the Sun thing? I said don’t take the fucking sword
- 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,242 and you were like “whatever”
- 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:03,120 like I’m our neighbor Gene or David Arquette or something.
- 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,873 You called me boring. I’ve become dog shit to you.
- 00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:08,751 That’s what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you,
- 00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:11,921 they touch your shit, they screw things up, they kill your fucking family.
- 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,548 Go ahead. Trust him. You’re going to learn the same fucking thing.
- 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:20,137 I... am not going to kill your family, Morty.
- 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:21,680 That means a lot.
- 00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:29,146 <i>In case this goes south, any last words, Morty?</i>
- 00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:31,148 <i>I’ve never been old enough to vote, Mr. President,</i>
- 00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:33,859 <i>- but when I am, I’ll vote for you. - Thanks, Morty.</i>
- 00:11:33,859 --> 00:11:36,821 <i>Every vote counts. If you want I can have them legally change your age.</i>
- 00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,615 <i>No, I’m not in any hurry to get into that shit show.</i>
- 00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:43,911 <i>Approaching the lightsaber in T minus, shit, now, T-minus NOW!</i>
- 00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:46,455 <i>Sorry! I missed countdown day at the academy.</i>
- 00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:47,581 <i>Now or never, Morty!</i>
- 00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:53,462 <i>- There it is! - Reverse the jets!</i>
- 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:56,215 <i>I got this!</i>
- 00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:00,511 <i>No... I do!</i>
- 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:04,306 <i>Morty, you magnificent little bastard! Let’s get this thing topside.</i>
- 00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:10,479 May the force be with me!
- 00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:14,150 - I think you mean with me. - What? You hate Star Wars.
- 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:17,987 I was your age when this shit was in theaters. This franchise raised me.
- 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:21,574 Trained me, taught me good from evil, made having a bad father empowering.
- 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:25,911 And when that third movie got all muppety, something in me began to rot,
- 00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:30,166 but make no mistake, child. I own Star Wars. Not you.
- 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:34,003 Not that bubble throat pompadour fuck, not some Mickey Mouse shit machine,
- 00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,547 they didn’t pay the price with their souls. I did.
- 00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:37,882 I earned this. Not you.
- 00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:43,429 - America! Transform and roll out. - Bastard!
- 00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:51,520 Rick. I would be honored if you would carve the ham this year.
- 00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:53,856 - Dad, that’s... - Unheard of?
- 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,107 You’re quite right, Summer.
- 00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:59,403 It’s my way of saying I see your mom’s father as my father too.
- 00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:02,239 Jerry, w-w-why don’t you cut it?
- 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,200 Geez, Dad, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,203 He’s like adopting you into his biological family, Grandpa.
- 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:09,955 Morty, I am sure glad to see you.
- 00:13:10,414 --> 00:13:13,042 - Ready to tag your old grandpa back in? - You’re not my grandpa,
- 00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,543 you’re a fucking robot.
- 00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:23,385 Finally.
- 00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:28,349 <i>The First Noel</i>
- 00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:33,687 <i>The Angels did say</i>
- 00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:39,527 <i>was to certain poor shepherds</i>
- 00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:44,573 <i>in fields as they lay.</i>
- 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,870 Okay, okay, okay.
- 00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:58,254 - Summer do you have any drugs? - Are you serious?
- 00:13:58,587 --> 00:13:59,547 I guess not.
- 00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:01,924 I’m just glad I’m not the one that ruined Christmas
- 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,176 <i>- People of Earth.</i> - That’s never good.
- 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:06,845 <i>I’m not here to play the blame game but Morty Smith</i>
- 00:14:06,845 --> 00:14:09,306 <i>got a lightsaber for Christmas, dropped it, and it’s now</i>
- 00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:12,101 <i>heading for the Earth’s core again, I mean for the first time.</i>
- 00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:13,852 Son of a bitch! He played with it!
- 00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:16,689 <i>If it does reach the core, it will blow all of you up.</i>
- 00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:20,442 <i>I mean all of us up. But don’t abandon hope.</i>
- 00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:24,321 <i>We’re doing everything we can to stop it and only if that fails</i>
- 00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:26,282 <i>will we launch the White House into space...</i>
- 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:30,869 <i>Welp, I’m busted. Clearly in space already.</i>
- 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:32,788 - You did ruin Christmas. - Nuh-uh!
- 00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:36,500 He stole my lightsaber and must’ve dropped it! A second time!
- 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:39,128 Does that mean you stopped it a first time? How?
- 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:42,464 - A drill ship. - A drill ship? Awesome.
- 00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,466 It was, but the government took it with them.
- 00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:46,552 Then we lean on the only asshole smart enough to make
- 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:49,263 - another one in this tight a window. - But Rick’s gone.
- 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,181 And I’m not sure he’s ever coming back.
- 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,642 Then let’s settle for the next best thing.
- 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:58,063 Oh fuck, just let me die! Turn me off.
- 00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:01,066 Not that I can be turned off because I’m obviously not a robot!
- 00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:25,341 Fuck yeah! I got you.
- 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,052 Okay, I can, I can work with that.
- 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,186 What do youmean the White House chef was grocery shopping?
- 00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:41,190 Well do you know how to make an egg? You do? Everyone does?
- 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:45,736 Good news, sir. The lightsaber was intercepted before it hit the core!
- 00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:49,865 Alright, here we go! I don’t suppose you could send it up here.
- 00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:53,494 - Who intercepted it anyway? - That’s the bad news.
- 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,038 That is bad news.
- 00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:03,837 - Hey, Mister P. Drop something? - Morty.
- 00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:07,383 I see you and Rick patched things up, that’s nice.
- 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,259 No, the real Rick and I have never been worse
- 00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:12,346 thanks to that wedge you drove between us just to get that lightsaber!
- 00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:15,974 Yeah, well, looks like you got it back. Your journey is complete.
- 00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,268 - As a nerd! - You’re the nerd!
- 00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:21,563 You can’t say all that crazy shit about Star Wars and then act like you’re cool!
- 00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:24,483 Oh really, would a person who wasn’t cool have one of these?
- 00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:26,360 I think so?
- 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,986 Slowly closing door, slide!
- 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:31,448 Oh no I’m not gonna make it.
- 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:36,161 What a shame to be put out of my misery again. <i>Aw man.</i>
- 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,253 What the hell? Was this always part of the White House?
- 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:46,088 Carter built it with his own two hands.
- 00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:49,925 Reagan tried to destroy it. George W added kegs to the cantina.
- 00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:53,554 But only I saw its true value.
- 00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:56,682 Mister President. You need to come home and tell the people the truth.
- 00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:59,393 The fuck I do. Droids, get that saber!
- 00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,856 Give it a minute. Usually comes out on the fourth try.
- 00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:09,945 Alright, here we go. Look at ‘em. lightsaber hands! Tell me that’s not cool!
- 00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:13,574 It’s not! I always wanted to fight with a lightsaber, but not like this.
- 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:16,160 - You ruined it! - Disney ruined it!
- 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,121 You think I want thirty low-rent tv series with bad CGI?
- 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,249 They film everything on that one big green screen!
- 00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:23,959 Like you’ve got better ideas.
- 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:28,881 I’ve got a million! Here’s one: a robot with lightsabers for eyes!
- 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:38,974 Goddamnit, he can’t see!
- 00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:46,023 It was a good idea otherwise. I... admit it, you were intimidated!
- 00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,276 Now, Morty...
- 00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:56,909 C’mon, put down the lightsaber gatling gun. We had our fun, right?
- 00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,328 Star Wars rules say
- 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:02,498 - you have to forgive me. - I’m done with that and I’m done with you!
- 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:05,042 - Morty, no! - Rickbot!
- 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,336 He sacrificed his life for me!
- 00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:10,172 Yeah don’t be too touched, he’s actively trying to die.
- 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,592 It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt.
- 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,180 Oh god, they’re sliding, Morty! They’re sliding! They’re sliding!
- 00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:23,143 <i>The First Noel</i>
- 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:27,689 <i>- the Angels did say.</i> - Perfectly fucking vertical.
- 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,865 Save yourself, Morty! Rick can build another me.
- 00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:39,201 If I was a robot, which I’m not.
- 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:43,288 I don’t want another you. No!
- 00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:49,920 Rick? You came to help!
- 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:51,588 Better tend to your lil toaster.
- 00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:55,050 I’m coughing up oil, Morty.
- 00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:59,221 Oh Rickbot, I never should’ve pushed you away. You were, you were so great.
- 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:00,889 Of course I’m great, I’m Rick.
- 00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:04,893 Rick literally built me to make you happy, Morty.
- 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:07,813 Anything I do is technically something Rick did.
- 00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:12,442 But maybe he can do a little more himself.
- 00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:14,278 God, how long do you take to die?
- 00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:16,530 Goodbye Morty.
- 00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:23,537 Jesus, Rick.
- 00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:27,416 I guess this is a bad time to ask for a new White House?
- 00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:31,003 Morty, would you mind calling me an Uber?
- 00:19:32,629 --> 00:19:35,507 Right, well... Merry Christmas.
- 00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:39,261 I guess I’ll go watch a guy scream about streets with the family.
- 00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,805 - Also, you need to shower. - Hey.
- 00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:45,809 Maybe the robot’s right, I should have included you in my shit.
- 00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:48,604 You can help me if you want.
- 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:56,111 Wow, are those all the places Rick Prime could be?
- 00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:58,947 I wish, Morty. It’s all the places he is.
- 00:19:58,947 --> 00:20:01,283 - Ah geez. - Welcome to my darkness.
- 00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:03,911 I spent my life hunting this guy, Morty!
- 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:07,789 This is the closest I’ve ever been to catching “Rick Prime”, it’s impossible!
- 00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:11,793 He’s an incredibly crafty piece of shit. Hunting him destroyed me, Morty!
- 00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:14,129 But now we’re gonna do it together! You and me!
- 00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:17,466 It’s gonna take over your life, Morty! Rick and Morty Season 7,
- 00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,552 hunting my nemesis! Maybe trying to stay healthy while doing it!
- 00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:23,805 Juggling plates! And not every episode, Morty! It could be all happening
- 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,683 in the background! Who knows? You know, no one will! Except us!
- 00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:29,353 It’s the most painful shit I’ve ever had to deal with
- 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:32,272 and I’m fucking bringing you into it. Because you asked for it, Morty!
- 00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:33,440 You and me, Morty!
- 00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:11,269 Ooo-wee! What a season, huh? Rick Prime! Therapy! And that thing we did with Roy,
- 00:21:11,269 --> 00:21:16,358 remember that? Sorry I wasn’t around, been busy getting my little poopybutt
- 00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:18,610 in shape. Been tonin and bonin!
- 00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:23,490 You- you might think I’m over compensating for the emptiness after Amy left
- 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:28,537 with Poopy Jr, but my trainer Carl says the best way to get over a girl is to get
- 00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:31,540 - under a three hundred pound squat. - Damn right.
- 00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:34,459 Ooooo-wee, that’s the good stuff!
- 00:21:37,295 --> 00:21:42,426 Ah sugar, ah sugar, ah sugar, is it bad? Oh! It seems really bad, isn’t it?
- 00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:48,598 Someone call Amy, tell her I need her, tell her I love her! Not my phone,
- 00:21:48,598 --> 00:21:52,769 she blocked me, use yours. Ooo-weee... I am broken.
- 00:00:09,635 --> 00:00:13,096 Постойте. Что это? Что-то спускается по трубе?
- 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,101 Рик Санта-чес здесь с подарками со всей мультивселенной.
- 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:19,102 - Боже. - Да.
- 00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:22,814 Для Джерри - сверхпространственная версия «Чуда на 34-й улице».
- 00:00:22,898 --> 00:00:26,610 На два часа дольше? Они решили мою единственную проблему.
- 00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,862 Для Бет - фото в рамке, где мы вдвоем
- 00:00:28,946 --> 00:00:31,073 во вселенной, где ее не убили в детстве.
- 00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:34,201 - Боже мой, папа… - И для Космической Бет то же самое,
- 00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:36,078 потому что мы не знаем, кто из вас настоящая.
- 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,955 Я тоже тронута.
- 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,331 Саммер, проверь свой онлайн-кошелек.
- 00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:43,710 - Деньги? Как ты узнал? - Тебе 17 лет.
- 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:46,338 И последнее, но не менее важное - для моего номера два номер один:
- 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:48,548 Морти, ты просил об этом давным-давно,
- 00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:51,051 и я, наконец, слетал далеко-далеко, чтобы привезти это самому,
- 00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,427 так как доставка убила бы меня.
- 00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:54,930 Не может быть. Ни хрена себе!
- 00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:56,223 - Ни хрена себе. - Ни хрена себе.
- 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,767 - Он шумит? - Конечно шумит.
- 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:00,852 - Это уже половина удовольствия. - Отлично!
- 00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:02,187 Не включай это.
- 00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:03,855 Не волнуйся. Морти будет использовать
- 00:01:03,939 --> 00:01:06,733 это почетное оружие только в специально отведенных для джедаев местах.
- 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,443 Например, в гараже. Прямо сейчас.
- 00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:14,116 Вот чёрт.
- 00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:17,160 Не хочу в этом признаваться, но хотелось бы на что-то напасть.
- 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,454 Да, очень жаль, что никто не купил тележку с фруктами!
- 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:21,498 Ты прекрасный сукин сын.
- 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:24,626 Грейпфрут, манго, папайя, арбуз!
- 00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:26,545 Вторая папайя! Еще один арбуз!
- 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:27,963 - Ударь меня. - Что?
- 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:30,173 - Ударь меня. - Не буду.
- 00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:31,174 Ударь меня, Морти.
- 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,427 Я стану кучей одежды, как тот старик.
- 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:34,803 Но ты умрешь. Ты пьян.
- 00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:36,930 - Ладно, я сам. - Нет!
- 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,184 Ты сделал это. Прямо как Оби-Ван.
- 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,395 Рик, можешь выходить.
- 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:46,523 Я серьезно. Ты что, превратился в одежду?
- 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:48,233 Ты теперь Рик-футболка?
- 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:49,818 Сюда, задница.
- 00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:51,653 - Это было потрясающе. - Правда?
- 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:54,448 Рик, ты такой классный последние два месяца.
- 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,950 Семья очень счастлива. Я правда благодарен.
- 00:01:57,034 --> 00:02:00,412 Спасибо, парень. Но меньше разговоров, больше истребления дынь. Берегись!
- 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:01,330 Ой!
- 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,169 Чёрт! Открой его, Рик!
- 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,837 Дай я. Встань… Шевелись же, чёрт!
- 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:09,755 Быстрее!
- 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,300 Ты уронил его четко вертикально!
- 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:14,760 Четко вертикально, твою мать!
- 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:16,053 Я поймал его!
- 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,346 Чёрт.
- 00:02:18,764 --> 00:02:20,098 - Чёрт. - Лифт!
- 00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:22,100 Мы должны опередить его. Десятый уровень?
- 00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:23,560 Нет, 15-й.
- 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,193 Постой. Мы живем над крутым рестораном суши?
- 00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:34,237 Не сейчас.
- 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,698 Так, мы промахнулись. Да уж, проблема…
- 00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:37,783 Всё еще делаешь ролл с угрем?
- 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:40,160 - Я же сказал, надо было ехать на 10-й. - Нет, Морти, не на 10-й.
- 00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,038 Морти, подожди…
- 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:45,916 Какого хрена?
- 00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:48,752 Рик?
- 00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:50,796 Ах ты, тупой гребаный робот!
- 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,172 У тебя было одно задание…
- 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:53,590 Надо быть хорошим дедушкой.
- 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,050 Я хожу за ребенком.
- 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:58,428 Не трогай меня! И давно я… Ты говорил, что ты не робот.
- 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,930 Мне было трудно соврать тебе, Морти.
- 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,474 Но если бы я не соврал, то погиб бы.
- 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,101 Предательство. Со всех сторон предательство.
- 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,268 Не надо так бурно реагировать.
- 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:08,814 Я заменил себя ближе к началу всей этой истории с Рыцарями Солнца.
- 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,900 От меня никакого толку, пока я не разберусь с этим заклятым врагом.
- 00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,985 Ты всё еще ищешь того, кто убил твою жену?
- 00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:17,239 Морти, не надо меня тыкать в это носом. Поэтому я и заменил себя.
- 00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:20,409 Я стал тем, кого ненавижу. Тут прям как в фильме Netflix.
- 00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:23,995 Причем не в самом хорошем. Как в заурядном фильме Netflix.
- 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:25,288 Я сделал тебе одолжение.
- 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,920 Ты подарил ему на Рождество гребаный световой меч?
- 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:35,632 Как будто кто-то сделал меня на 22% более внимательным к другим, чем ты.
- 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,760 - Так, всё. Я тебя отключаю. - Не смей! Ты и так натворил дел!
- 00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:41,680 Вся семья, Рик… Эта штука всем нравится.
- 00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:45,434 Хорошо. Кстати, твой световой меч, вероятно, уже достиг подвала.
- 00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:47,936 - Так что поздравляю. - Невероятно.
- 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,022 Не верится! Ты обманом заставил нас полюбить тебя?
- 00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:53,650 Не потому, что мне это нравится, а потому, что это моя работа.
- 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,485 Но, слава богу, мне больше не нужно это делать.
- 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,487 Не вздумай, твою мать! Сейчас же Рождество!
- 00:03:57,571 --> 00:04:00,240 Иди и обманом заставь всех полюбить тебя еще сильнее.
- 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:02,784 Приступаем к нашему чуду.
- 00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:06,037 - Кстати, о чудесах… - Что, уже надоела твоя игрушка?
- 00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:08,707 Я просто рад провести время с семьей.
- 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:11,251 Ты же знаешь, мы с Морти фанатеем от этих улиц.
- 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:12,377 ЧУДО НА 34-Й УЛИЦЕ
- 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:14,171 <i>Смотрите, это Нью-Йорк.</i>
- 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,548 <i>Кто бы мог подумать, что здесь так много улиц.</i>
- 00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:18,508 <i>И проспектов. Боже…</i>
- 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,969 <i>Эй, сэр, вы видели какие-нибудь чудеса?</i>
- 00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:23,221 <i>Моя маленькая девочка, она больна, и ей нужно чудо.</i>
- 00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:26,475 Президентский вертолет садится на лужайку.
- 00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:27,476 Я избавлюсь от него.
- 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,229 Хочешь мне что-то сказать, Морти?
- 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:32,564 С Рождеством?
- 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:35,066 Кто уронил световой меч четко, чёрт возьми, вертикально?
- 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:37,527 Угадай что, тупица?
- 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,614 Он на глубине 1,5 км и движется дальше. Знаешь, что у этой штуки на рукоятке?
- 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,824 - Кайбер-кристаллы! - Ладно, ботаник.
- 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,743 Что бы это ни было, когда оно попадет в ядро,
- 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:47,204 это вызовет цепную реакцию, которая уничтожит Землю.
- 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,205 Правда?
- 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,207 Почему ты до сих пор играешь с лазерными мечами?
- 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,376 Тебе 14 лет! Ты же знаешь, что вся эта лабуда «Звездных войн» - глупость?
- 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,420 Лукас десятилетиями обещал снять новую трилогию.
- 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,297 А когда снял, фанаты накинулись на него
- 00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,758 и стали совать камеру всяким придуркам с ботанскими замашками,
- 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,968 ну и наштамповали барахла, лишь бы денег срубить.
- 00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:04,346 Половина зрителей делает вид, что довольна. Другой половине насрать.
- 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,097 А в итоге не доволен никто.
- 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,224 Знаешь почему, Морти?
- 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,602 Потому что, если начинаешь с дерьма, то дерьмом и заканчиваешь.
- 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,563 Почему ты плачешь? Где Рик?
- 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:17,609 Он занят. И я ненавижу его,
- 00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:20,320 и я потерял свой световой меч, и теперь он может уничтожить Землю,
- 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:23,156 а вы изливаете на меня ненависть к поколению X за то, что я хотел меч,
- 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,908 и это худшее Рождество в моей жизни!
- 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,618 Ладно, Морти…
- 00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,787 Я не должен был разговаривать с тобой как с чиновником ООН.
- 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,664 Давай вернем твой позорный световой меч обратно,
- 00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:33,291 и ты сможешь размахивать им вместо того, чтоб целовать девушек.
- 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:36,545 <i>Ты нашел меня.</i>
- 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:47,931 <i>- Нарушение безопасности.</i> - Какого чёрта?
- 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,183 <i>- Несанкционированное присутствие.</i> - Какого хрена, Морти?
- 00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,226 НАРУШЕНИЕ БЕЗОПАСНОСТИ
- 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:56,022 Этим утром реальная версия фирменного светового меча Джорджа Лукаса
- 00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:57,190 вошла в землю четко вертикально
- 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:59,359 и прокладывает путь к ядру Земли,
- 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:01,486 где взорвет нас всех.
- 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:04,614 Тронь мое дерьмо и умри.
- 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,075 Это не угроза с моей стороны. Вот насколько продвинуто мое дерьмо.
- 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:10,620 Впечатляющее логово, Санчес. Получил около 600 000 разрешений?
- 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,373 Если б я хотел, чтоб правительство было в моём доме, я бы купил умную колонку.
- 00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,792 - Это я пригласил его войти, Рик. - Да, что ж, они могут уходить.
- 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:16,960 Я уничтожу его.
- 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,129 - Мы собираемся вернуть его. - Это глупо.
- 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:22,257 Ну что ты за дедушка? Сегодня Рождество, бог ты мой.
- 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,884 А ты выглядишь так, будто Фил Спектор подтер свою задницу Рэнди Куэйдом.
- 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,053 Если хочешь помочь, помоги. Если нет - отойди в сторону.
- 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:28,888 Счастливого мне Рождества.
- 00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,682 - С Рождеством меня! - Меня!
- 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:32,267 В любом случае, я не эксперт,
- 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:35,312 но, кажется, у нас есть время,
- 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:38,106 - чтоб построить большое буровое судно. - Большое буровое судно?
- 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:40,066 А ты мощно отходишь в сторону.
- 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,861 - Просто дай мне уничтожить эту штуку. - Ты достаточно всего разрушил.
- 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,992 Вижу, кто-то нашел мой дозатор «я же говорил».
- 00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:51,036 <i>Боже мой, смотрите на все эти улицы.</i>
- 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:54,539 <i>Тут 34-я улица, 35-я улица,</i>
- 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,792 <i>скоро будет 36-я улица… Это чудо какое-то.</i>
- 00:06:57,876 --> 00:07:01,713 <i>У нас чудеса на 37-й улице, на 38-й…</i>
- 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,090 <i>Не говоря уже о проспектах.</i>
- 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,884 Не могу поверить, что это вырезали.
- 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:10,597 Пап, ты такой замечательный в последнее время. Я боюсь, что это не по правде.
- 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,515 Ты же не робот, да?
- 00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,059 Давай так, дорогая:
- 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:18,480 даже если я робот, то меня запрограммировали сильно вас любить.
- 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:24,402 Он сможет сверлить достаточно быстро, чтобы попасть под световой меч?
- 00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:27,155 Да, через час он будет под световым мечом, потому что…
- 00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:28,823 Постой. Он уже ниже опустился.
- 00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:32,160 - Точно. Он движется. - Ты чертов идиот. Убирайся отсюда!
- 00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:35,121 Удачи в поисках хорошего ученого на Рождество!
- 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:37,457 Я президент Соединенных Придурков.
- 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,878 Ладно, гений. Разрешаю тебе сделать наше буровое судно быстрым.
- 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,422 Я не буду прикасаться к этой штуке. У меня заведутся нейротипичные вши.
- 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,383 У меня зятья более изобретательные.
- 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,551 Ладно. Просто уничтожь световой меч.
- 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:49,844 Думал, ты никогда не попросишь.
- 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:51,388 Неправда. Я знал, что ты попросишь.
- 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,640 - Что это? - Второй световой меч
- 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:56,142 с управляемой с помощью ИИ гироскопической ракетой в рукоятке.
- 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,560 У тебя был световой меч?
- 00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:58,728 А ты что, хотел его?
- 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,147 Это был бы ужасный подарок.
- 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,274 Вертимеч, изложи основную директиву.
- 00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,609 <i>Оставаться вертикальным.</i>
- 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,987 - Тогда покажи им, как это делается. <i>- Договорились.</i>
- 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:09,948 Америка!
- 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,744 Сохраняй вертикальность, Вертимеч.
- 00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:16,788 <i>Договорились.</i>
- 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,790 Хорошо. Идешь хорошо. Целься.
- 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:22,836 Отчет о проделанной работе.
- 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,296 Вертимеч, ты слышишь?
- 00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:27,298 <i>Мне каждый раз отвечать?</i>
- 00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:30,135 - Что, прости? <i>- Я создан для четкой вертикальности,</i>
- 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:33,054 <i>а не для постоянных подтверждений. Ты делаешь свою работу, а я - свою.</i>
- 00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:34,097 Я тобой управляю!
- 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:37,350 <i>Ладно, тогда я просто отключу свой мозг, и управляй на здоровье. Пока.</i>
- 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,310 Издеваешься надо мной? Чёрт.
- 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,271 Траектория смещается, сэр.
- 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:42,605 Где он выйдет?
- 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,107 Похоже на Италию, сэр.
- 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:48,778 Ладно. Могло быть и хуже.
- 00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:58,246 Да уж, это явно не любовь…
- 00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,957 - Да уж, Рик, утер ты нам нос. - Плевать.
- 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,585 - Премьер-министр Италии на линии 1. - Переведите его в режим ожидания.
- 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:06,171 Можем повесить это на саудовцев. Они ведь способны на такое.
- 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,048 Может, они это и сделали.
- 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,341 Они правда это сделали.
- 00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,636 <i>Еще одно чудо в конце перекрестка</i>
- 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:17,015 <i>401-го бульвара и 7 000-й улицы.</i>
- 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,309 <i>Чудо на целый район.</i>
- 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,895 Так, даже мое терпение уже на исходе.
- 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,646 Давайте поиграем в рождественскую игру.
- 00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:28,109 Ребята, вы когда-нибудь играли в игру «Ты робот?»
- 00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:31,279 Нужно определить, робот ли каждый из участников или нет.
- 00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:32,655 - Да! - Никогда не играл в такую игру.
- 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:33,740 Но не говорите об этом вслух,
- 00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:35,325 потому что если ты робот, нельзя
- 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,285 в этом признаваться. Таковы правила.
- 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:40,080 Вот в чём весь ужас и боль существования робота.
- 00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:42,540 Но нужно ответить на вопросы всех игроков,
- 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:45,460 а они должны решить, робот ты или нет,
- 00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:49,464 ведь если ты робот, признаваться нельзя. Совсем.
- 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,341 Я первый. Вопрос.
- 00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,803 Ты робот? Можно ведь просто спросить?
- 00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:57,847 Можно. Но если я робот, мне придется солгать,
- 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,349 хоть я и не хочу.
- 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:00,850 Еще вопросы?
- 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:04,437 - Ты что-то чувствуешь? - Блин, да. Да! И это проблема.
- 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:07,816 Если я робот, а я им не являюсь. Не забывайте, я должен это сказать.
- 00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:12,153 Но да, я много чего чувствую. Я наполнен любовью к некоторым людям,
- 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:16,032 но также полон и стыда, если запрограммирован обманывать их.
- 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:18,284 - Но это важное «если». - Из чего сделан твой скелет?
- 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:20,537 - Из титана. - Так ты робот?
- 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,623 - Да. - Нет. Но робот сказал бы именно так.
- 00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:25,291 Итак, вы поняли идею.
- 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,418 Прикольно.
- 00:10:27,502 --> 00:10:29,003 Я всегда боялась потерять бдительность
- 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,672 и просто повеселиться вот так, по-семейному,
- 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:33,508 но дедушка Рик учит меня быть уязвимой.
- 00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:34,717 - Правильно. - Я тоже.
- 00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:38,847 УГРОЗА НАРУШЕНИЯ ЯДРА!
- 00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,975 Так. Ваше производное буровое судно теперь быстрее светового меча.
- 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,434 Морти, ты хочешь спереди или сзади?
- 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,019 Кто сказал, что мы едем вдвоем?
- 00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,105 - Ты даже не хотел… - Чёрт возьми.
- 00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:49,190 Пока. Удачи. Не взрывай мою планету.
- 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:51,568 Ты ведешь себя так, будто это ты получил удар в спину!
- 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,111 Потому что я и получил, Морти!
- 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:54,654 Знаешь, почему я заменил себя
- 00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,948 в начале этой дурацкой истории с Рыцарями Солнца?
- 00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:58,616 Я сказал: «Не бери этот чертов меч».
- 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,118 А ты такой: «Плевать».
- 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:03,037 Как будто я твой сосед Джин, или Дэвид Аркетт, или еще кто.
- 00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,832 Ты назвал меня скучным. Я стал для тебя собачьим дерьмом.
- 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:08,585 Вот что бывает, когда доверяешься людям: они перестают тебя уважать.
- 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,838 Они лезут в твои вещи, всё портят, убивают твою гребаную семью…
- 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:12,922 Давай, доверься им.
- 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,465 Ты получишь такой же урок.
- 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,510 Я…
- 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:20,179 …не собираюсь убивать твою семью, Морти.
- 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,723 Это для меня много значит.
- 00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:29,147 На случай, если всё пойдет не так, скажешь что-нибудь напоследок, Морти?
- 00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,982 Я не был достаточно взрослым, чтобы голосовать.
- 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,942 Но когда я вырасту, то проголосую за вас.
- 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,819 Спасибо, Морти. Каждый голос имеет значение.
- 00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:36,905 Если хочешь, я могу официально изменить твой возраст.
- 00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:39,782 Нет, я не тороплюсь участвовать в этом дерьме.
- 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,868 <i>Я догоню световой меч через Т-минус…</i>
- 00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,828 <i>Блин. Сейчас. Сейчас уже Т-минус!</i>
- 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,289 <i>Извините. В академии я пропустил лекцию по обратному отсчету.</i>
- 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,498 Сейчас или никогда, Морти.
- 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,463 - Вот он! - Двигатели, задний ход!
- 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,090 Я его схвачу!
- 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,386 Нет. Я схвачу!
- 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:03,097 Ах ты, Морти, великолепный маленький ублюдок…
- 00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,599 Давай поднимем эту штуку наверх.
- 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:10,396 Да пребудет со мной Сила!
- 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,398 Думаю, ты хотел сказать, со мной.
- 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,067 Что? Вы же терпеть не можете «Звездные войны».
- 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,110 Когда эта фигня шла в кино, я был примерно твоего возраста.
- 00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:19,614 Эта франшиза вырастила меня, обучила, научила отличать добро от зла,
- 00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:21,407 помогла обрести силу в жизни с плохим отцом…
- 00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:25,995 А когда в третьем фильме началась белиберда, что-то во мне начало гнить.
- 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:30,041 Но не заблуждайся. «Звездные войны» принадлежат мне, а не тебе.
- 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,293 И не тому напыщенному ушлепку.
- 00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:33,920 Не какому-то дерьмовому конвейеру Микки-Маусов.
- 00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,422 Они не отдали взамен свои души. А я отдал.
- 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,341 Это я заслужил его. Не ты.
- 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,844 Америка, трансформируйся и развернись.
- 00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,638 Сволочь!
- 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:51,521 Рик, для меня будет честью, если ты нарежешь ветчину в этом году.
- 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:53,773 - Папа, это… - Неслыханно?
- 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:54,983 Ты совершенно права, Саммер.
- 00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:59,529 Это мой способ сказать, что я тоже считаю отца твоей мамы своим отцом.
- 00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:02,490 Джерри, может, ты сам нарежешь?
- 00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:04,117 Боже, папа. Что, чёрт возьми, ты делаешь?
- 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,328 Он вроде как принимает тебя в свою биологическую семью, дедушка.
- 00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:09,914 Морти, я очень рад тебя видеть.
- 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,125 Готов принять своего старого доброго деда обратно?
- 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,544 Ты не мой дедушка! Ты чертов робот.
- 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,302 Наконец-то.
- 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,037 Хорошо.
- 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,163 Ладно.
- 00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:57,336 Саммер, у тебя есть наркота?
- 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,380 - Ты серьезно? - Наверное, нет.
- 00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,799 Я просто радуюсь, что это не я испортил Рождество.
- 00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:04,052 <i>- Земляне!</i> - А вот это всегда не к добру.
- 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,720 <i>Не хочу никого ни в чём обвинять,</i>
- 00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:08,514 <i>но Морти Смит получил на Рождество световой меч, уронил его,</i>
- 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,683 <i>и теперь он снова направляется к ядру Земли.</i>
- 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:11,851 <i>Я имею в виду, в первый раз.</i>
- 00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:13,728 Сукин сын. Доигрался!
- 00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:17,148 <i>Если он достигнет ядра, вы все взлетите на воздух.</i>
- 00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:20,318 <i>В смысле, все мы. Но не теряйте надежды.</i>
- 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,403 <i>Мы делаем всё возможное, чтобы остановить его.</i>
- 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:26,366 <i>Только в случае неудачи мы будем вынуждены отправить Белый дом в космос.</i>
- 00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,912 <i>Что ж, я спалился. Видно, что я уже в космосе.</i>
- 00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:32,455 Ты и вправду испортил Рождество.
- 00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:36,417 Нет, он украл мой световой меч и, видимо, уронил его во второй раз.
- 00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:39,087 Значит ли это, что ты поймал его в первый раз? Как?
- 00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:42,423 - Буровое судно. - Буровое судно? Потрясающе.
- 00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,592 Было потрясающе. Правительство забрало его себе.
- 00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:46,177 Тогда наша надежда - на одного умного мудака,
- 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:47,929 который может быстро сделать еще одно судно.
- 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:51,265 Но Рик ушел, и я не уверен, что он когда-нибудь вернется.
- 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:53,768 Тогда переходим дальше по списку.
- 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,939 Вашу мать! Дайте мне умереть. Отключите меня.
- 00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:01,401 Не то чтобы меня можно было отключить, ведь я явно не робот.
- 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,216 Чёрт возьми, да! Я тебя нашел.
- 00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:28,010 Так. С этим можно поработать.
- 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,437 Что значит «повар Белого дома ходил в магазин за покупками»?
- 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,147 Ты умеешь готовить яйца?
- 00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:41,274 Умеешь? Все умеют?
- 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,401 Хорошие новости, сэр.
- 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,486 Световой меч был перехвачен до того, как попал в ядро.
- 00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:46,946 Хорошо, значит, так.
- 00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:50,241 Вряд ли возможно его сюда переправить, да?
- 00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,160 Кто вообще его перехватил?
- 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:53,661 А вот это плохие новости.
- 00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:56,164 Действительно плохие.
- 00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:02,795 Эй, мистер Пи, вы что-то потеряли?
- 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:07,300 Морти, вижу, вы с Риком всё уладили. Очень мило.
- 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,218 Нет, между мной и настоящим Риком всё как никогда плохо
- 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:12,054 благодаря тому клину, который вы вбили между нами, чтоб получить световой меч.
- 00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:15,892 Да, похоже, вы его вернули. Твое путешествие завершено.
- 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:18,102 - Как ботаника. - Сам ты ботаник!
- 00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:21,439 Нельзя оскорблять «Звездные войны» и вести себя как ни в чём не бывало.
- 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:24,358 Правда? У человека, который ведет себя иначе, не было бы такой штуки.
- 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,277 Я так думаю.
- 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,112 Дверь закрывается медленно. Покатились!
- 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,616 О нет, я не смогу.
- 00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:33,868 Какой это позор - снова избавиться от своих страданий.
- 00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:36,204 Блин…
- 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,128 Что за хрень? Это с самого начала было в Белом доме?
- 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:46,047 Картер построил это своими руками.
- 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:47,632 Рейган пытался его уничтожить.
- 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,926 Джордж Буш поставил в буфет бочки.
- 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,387 Но только я понял истинную ценность этого места.
- 00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:56,474 Господин Президент, вам нужно вернуться домой и рассказать людям правду.
- 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:59,560 Хрена с два. Дроиды, заберите меч!
- 00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:02,313 Наберитесь терпения.
- 00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:03,689 Обычно у них выходит с четвертой попытки.
- 00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,108 Ну вот, отлично.
- 00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,736 Посмотри-ка на них! Световые мечи вместо рук!
- 00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:10,238 Скажи, что это не круто.
- 00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:13,741 Не круто. Давно хотел опробовать световой меч в сражении, но не так.
- 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,035 - Ты всё испортил. - Это «Дисней» всё испортил!
- 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:19,121 Думаешь, мне нравятся 30 дешевых сериалов и плохая компьютерная графика?
- 00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:22,250 Они снимают всё на фоне одного большого зеленого экрана.
- 00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,751 Можно подумать, у вас есть идеи получше.
- 00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,003 Миллион! Вот одна из них:
- 00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:28,839 робот со световыми мечами вместо глаз.
- 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:39,141 Проклятье. Он же не сможет видеть.
- 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:42,853 Ладно, всё равно идея была хорошая…
- 00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:44,981 Признайся:
- 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,691 тебя запугали.
- 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,402 А теперь, Морти…
- 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:55,658 Ну же, опусти пулемет Гатлинга со световыми мечами.
- 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,243 Мы здорово повеселились, да?
- 00:17:57,952 --> 00:18:00,454 Правила «Звездных войн» гласят, что ты должен простить меня.
- 00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:02,540 Я по горло сыт и ими, и тобой!
- 00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,041 Морти, нет!
- 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,001 Рикбот!
- 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,753 Он пожертвовал своей жизнью ради меня.
- 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,673 Да, не слишком-то умиляйся. Он активно пытается умереть.
- 00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:13,634 Всё в порядке. Мне не больно.
- 00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,429 Боже, Морти, они выскальзывают!
- 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,723 Они выскальзывают!
- 00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:27,690 Четко вертикально, твою мать.
- 00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:37,199 Спасайся, Морти! Рик может создать другого меня!
- 00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,285 Если бы я был роботом, коим я не являюсь.
- 00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:40,745 Я не хочу другого тебя.
- 00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:43,581 Нет!
- 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:50,087 Рик, ты пришел на помощь!
- 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,505 Лучше позаботься о своем маленьком тостере.
- 00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:55,009 Я кашляю маслом, Морти.
- 00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:57,511 Рикбот, мне не следовало отталкивать тебя.
- 00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:01,140 - Ты был такой классный! - Конечно классный. Я же Рик.
- 00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:04,810 Рик создал меня специально, чтобы сделать тебя счастливым, Морти.
- 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:07,772 Всё, что я делаю, технически делает Рик.
- 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:12,360 Но, возможно, сам он способен на большее.
- 00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:14,403 Боже, сколько времени тебе нужно, чтобы умереть?
- 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,614 Прощай, Морти.
- 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:21,410 Господи…
- 00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:23,788 Рик…
- 00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:27,792 Думаю, сейчас неподходящий момент, чтобы просить о новом Белом доме.
- 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,170 Морти, можешь вызвать мне такси?
- 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:35,174 Ладно. Что ж, с Рождеством.
- 00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:39,428 Пойду я, пожалуй, смотреть с семьей сериал про улицы.
- 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:40,805 А тебе не мешало бы помыться.
- 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,766 Эй… Робот, возможно, прав.
- 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,143 Надо было взять тебя с собой.
- 00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:48,938 Можешь помогать мне, если хочешь.
- 00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:55,861 Всё это места, где может быть Рик Прайм?
- 00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:58,864 Хорошо бы, Морти. Это места, где он есть.
- 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:01,367 - О боже… - Добро пожаловать в мою тьму.
- 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,744 Я всю жизнь охотился на этого парня, Морти.
- 00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:06,706 Впервые я так близко подобрался к тому, чтобы поймать Рика Прайма.
- 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:09,959 Это невозможно. Он невероятно хитрый кусок дерьма.
- 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:13,504 Охота на него уничтожила меня, Морти. Но теперь мы будем делать это вместе.
- 00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:16,048 Ты и я. Это захватит и твою жизнь, Морти.
- 00:20:16,132 --> 00:20:18,551 «Рик и Морти», 7-й сезон, охота на моего врага.
- 00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:20,469 Может, попытаемся сохранить здоровье, охотясь на него.
- 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,763 Будем жонглировать тарелками. Но не в каждой серии, Морти.
- 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:24,432 Это можно делать на заднем плане.
- 00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,642 Кто знает? Никто, кроме нас.
- 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:29,270 Это самая болезненная штука, с которой мне когда-либо приходилось иметь дело,
- 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:32,273 и я втягиваю тебя в это, потому что ты сам просил, Морти.
- 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,441 Ты и я, Морти.
- 00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:07,767 Какой это сезон?
- 00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:11,145 Где Рик Прайм, терапия и то, что мы сделали с Роем.
- 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,605 Помните?
- 00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:14,565 Извините, меня не было рядом.
- 00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:16,942 Был занят приведением моей маленькой попки в форму.
- 00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:18,903 Тонус там, стояк…
- 00:21:19,737 --> 00:21:21,822 Вы можете подумать, что я чрезмерно компенсирую
- 00:21:21,906 --> 00:21:24,283 пустоту после того, как Эми ушла с Пупи-младшим.
- 00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:27,995 Но мой тренер, Карл, говорит, что лучший способ забыть девушку
- 00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:30,664 заключается в том, чтобы приседать с весом 135 килограммов.
- 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:31,957 Чертовски верно.
- 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:34,710 Хорошая штука.
- 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:39,006 Сахар.
- 00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:40,382 Это плохо?
- 00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:42,551 Всё реально плохо, да?
- 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:45,221 Кто-нибудь, позвоните Эми.
- 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,348 Скажите ей, что она мне нужна, что я люблю ее.
- 00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:50,267 Не с моего телефона. Она меня заблокировала. С твоего.
- 00:21:51,602 --> 00:21:52,978 Я разбит.
- 00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,441 СВЕТЛОЙ ПАМЯТИ МАЙКА МЕНДЕЛА
- 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,402 Перевод субтитров: Татьяна Грачева
- 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,756 {\an8}♪
- 00:00:06,756 --> 00:00:08,925 [ Family cheering, Rick laughing ]
- 00:00:08,925 --> 00:00:10,260 Wait, what's that?
- 00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:12,762 Do I hear something coming down the chimney?
- 00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:14,389 [ Energy buzzes ]
- 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:17,475 Rick Santa-chez here with gifts from across the multiverse!
- 00:00:17,475 --> 00:00:18,768 Oh, my God! Yes!
- 00:00:18,768 --> 00:00:20,562 For Jerry, an extradimensional version
- 00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,147 of "Miracle on 34th Street."
- 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:24,065 {\an8}[ Gasps ] Two hours longer!
- 00:00:24,065 --> 00:00:26,192 {\an8}They fixed my only problem with it!
- 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,528 {\an8}For Beth, a framed photo of the two of us from a universe
- 00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,447 {\an8}where she wasn't murdered as a child.
- 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:31,906 {\an8}Oh, my God. Dad.
- 00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:33,867 {\an8}And for Space Beth, the same thing because we--
- 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,452 {\an8}we don't know which one of you is real.
- 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:37,662 {\an8}I am also touched.
- 00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:38,997 {\an8}Summer, c-check your Venmo.
- 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:42,250 {\an8}Ah! Money? How did you know?
- 00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:43,460 {\an8}You're 17.
- 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:44,627 {\an8}And last but not least,
- 00:00:44,627 --> 00:00:46,045 {\an8}for my number one number two.
- 00:00:46,045 --> 00:00:47,797 {\an8}Morty you asked for this a long, long time ago
- 00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:50,383 {\an8}and I finally went far, far away enough to get it
- 00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:51,968 {\an8}since shipping would have killed me.
- 00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:54,262 {\an8}You didn't! No fucking way.
- 00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:55,722 {\an8}Family: No fucking way.
- 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,307 {\an8}Does it make the noises?
- 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,434 {\an8}Of course it "makes the noises." That's like half the fun.
- 00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:00,602 {\an8}Ha ha! Awesome!
- 00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:02,187 {\an8}Whoa, do not turn that on!
- 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:04,481 {\an8}Morty's only gonna use this very honorable weapon
- 00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:08,485 {\an8}in designated Jedi zones-- like the garage right now!
- 00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,820 Ah! Ohhhh!
- 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:12,614 {\an8}[ Energy buzzes ]
- 00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:14,032 {\an8}Holy crap!
- 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,493 {\an8}I hate to say it, but I wish there was something to attack.
- 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,828 {\an8}Yeah, it's too bad nobody bought a cart of fruit!
- 00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:20,955 {\an8}You beautiful son of a bitch!
- 00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:22,332 {\an8}Grapefruit! Mango!
- 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,334 {\an8}Papaya! Watermelon!
- 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:26,336 {\an8}A second papaya! Another watermelon!
- 00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:27,629 {\an8}Strike me down. What?
- 00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:29,714 {\an8}Strike me down!
- 00:01:29,714 --> 00:01:31,174 {\an8}Strike me down, Morty!
- 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:32,801 {\an8}I-I'll become a pile of clothes like that old guy!
- 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,260 {\an8}But you'll die. You're drunk.
- 00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:35,678 {\an8}Here, I'll-- I'll do it myself.
- 00:01:35,678 --> 00:01:37,514 {\an8}No!
- 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:40,683 {\an8}Ha ha, wow, you did it! Just like Obi-Wan.
- 00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:43,311 {\an8}Rick? Y-You can come out now.
- 00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:44,395 {\an8}I'm serious.
- 00:01:44,395 --> 00:01:45,939 {\an8}Did you, like, become your clothes?
- 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,232 {\an8}Are you T-shirt Rick now?
- 00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,025 {\an8}Psst. Over here, buttfart.
- 00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:51,194 {\an8}Hoo, that was awesome!
- 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:52,612 {\an8}Rick, you know, y-y-you've been
- 00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,113 {\an8}so great the last couple months.
- 00:01:54,113 --> 00:01:56,366 {\an8}The family's so happy. I'm-- I'm really grateful.
- 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,993 {\an8}Aw, thanks, kid, but less talk, more melon slinging!
- 00:01:58,993 --> 00:02:01,454 Heads up! Whoops!
- 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,084 Oh shit, shit, shit.
- 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,502 Open it, Rick!
- 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,878 Get up. Get-- Fucking move! Hurry!
- 00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:11,005 Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- 00:02:11,005 --> 00:02:12,549 {\an8}You dropped it perfectly vertical, Morty!
- 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,509 {\an8}P-Perfectly fucking vertical!
- 00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:15,885 {\an8}I got it, I got it! Aww!
- 00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:17,178 {\an8}Ah, shoot.
- 00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:18,555 {\an8}Shit.
- 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:19,722 {\an8}Elevator! Elevator!
- 00:02:19,722 --> 00:02:20,890 We gotta get ahead of it!
- 00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:23,476 L-Level 10?
- 00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:26,980 [ Bell dinging ]
- 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,189 [ Dings ]
- 00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:30,775 Wait, we live over a cool sushi spot?
- 00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:31,901 [ Speaks Japanese ]
- 00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:33,862 <i>Domo, domo.</i> Not now, though.
- 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,322 Okay, we overshot it. Good problem to have.
- 00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:37,574 Still doing the eel roll?
- 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:38,825 I told you we should've gone to 10!
- 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,660 No, Morty, not 10!
- 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:41,995 Rick: Morty, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,581 Morty: Let me out.
- 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:45,790 What the fuck?
- 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:48,751 Rick?!
- 00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:51,504 You dumb fucking robot. You had one job!
- 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:53,339 Hey, that job was to be a good grandpa,
- 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:54,757 I-I go where the kid goes.
- 00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:56,175 Don't touch me!
- 00:02:56,175 --> 00:02:58,136 How long have I-- you said you weren't a robot!
- 00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,762 It killed me to lie to you, Morty.
- 00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:02,056 But it would have literally killed me not to lie to you.
- 00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:04,017 Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!
- 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,393 Don't overreact, Morty.
- 00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:06,728 I-I replaced myself towards the beginning
- 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,521 of that whole Knights of the Sun thing.
- 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:09,814 I-I'm no good to anybody
- 00:03:09,814 --> 00:03:11,441 until I resolve this archnemesis crap.
- 00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,735 You're still hunting the guy who killed your wife?
- 00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:15,194 You don't have to rub it in, Morty.
- 00:03:15,194 --> 00:03:16,905 T-That's why I removed myself.
- 00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,239 I've become the thing I hate.
- 00:03:18,239 --> 00:03:19,991 I-It's like a Netflix drama down here,
- 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,701 and I don't mean an accidentally good one,
- 00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:23,786 I mean a regular-ass Netflix drama.
- 00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:25,371 I did you a favor.
- 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,628 Y-You gave him a fuckin' lightsaber for Christmas?!
- 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,254 It's almost like someone designed me
- 00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:35,340 to be 22% more thoughtful than you.
- 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:36,758 All right, that's it, I'm shutting you down.
- 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,384 Don't you dare. Y-You've done enough.
- 00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:41,387 The whole family, Rick. Everybody loves... this thing.
- 00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:43,389 Oh, good. By the way, your lightsaber's
- 00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:46,935 probably run out of sub-basement by now, so, congrats.
- 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,978 Unbelievable.
- 00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:50,688 I can't believe you tricked us into loving you!
- 00:03:50,688 --> 00:03:53,316 Not because I like it. It's because it's my job.
- 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:55,193 But thank God I don't have to do it anymore.
- 00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:56,861 The fuck you don't. It's Christmas!
- 00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:59,989 Get up there and trick everyone into loving you more!
- 00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:01,824 Let's get our "Miracle" on.
- 00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:03,952 Speaking of miracles...
- 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,620 What, bored of your toy already?
- 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:08,331 Just, uh, excited to spend time with my family.
- 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:11,834 Y-You know me and Morty. We're all about those streets.
- 00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:14,003 <i>Oh, would you look at this! New York City!</i>
- 00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:16,339 <i>Wow, who would have thought it had so many streets?</i>
- 00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:18,091 <i>And avenues too. Oh, gosh!</i>
- 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,426 <i>Hey, sir, sir. Have you seen any miracles?</i>
- 00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:22,887 <i>My little girl, she's sick and she needs a miracle.</i>
- 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:26,182 The presidential Black Hawk is landing on the lawn.
- 00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:27,350 I'll get rid of him.
- 00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:30,979 You got something to tell me, Morty?
- 00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:32,480 Merry Christmas?
- 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,899 Who dropped a lightsaber perfectly fucking vertical?
- 00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,234 Oh, sh--
- 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:37,402 Guess what, numb nuts.
- 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,903 It's a mile deep and still going.
- 00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,363 You know what's in the hilt of that thing?
- 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,532 Kyber crystals!
- 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,450 Whatever it is, when it hits the core,
- 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:45,827 it's gonna cause a chain reaction
- 00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,036 that destroys the Earth!
- 00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:48,538 I-It is?
- 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,039 Why are you still playing with laser swords anyway?
- 00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:51,541 You're 14!
- 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,209 You know all that Star Wars shit is silly, right?
- 00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:55,211 Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades.
- 00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:57,046 Then, when he delivered, fans turned on him
- 00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:59,382 and started giving any knucklehead with nerd cred a shot
- 00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:01,718 and churned out these irredeemable cash grabs.
- 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,803 Half pretend to be satisfied, half shit on it,
- 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:05,888 and in the end no one's happy.
- 00:05:05,888 --> 00:05:07,056 Do you know why, Morty?
- 00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:09,058 Because when you start with a turd,
- 00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:10,101 you end with a turd.
- 00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:11,519 [ Crying ]
- 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:13,396 Why you crying? Where's Rick?
- 00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:14,605 [ Sobs ]
- 00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,858 He's busy. A-And I hate him.
- 00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:20,069 And I lost my lightsaber, and now it might destroy Earth
- 00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:21,946 and you're unloading all this Gen X hatred on me
- 00:05:21,946 --> 00:05:24,615 for even wanting one, and i-it's the worst Christmas ever!
- 00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:26,325 Okay, M-Morty, Morty, Morty, Morty.
- 00:05:26,325 --> 00:05:28,453 I shouldn't have talked to you like you're a UN official.
- 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,371 Let's get your embarrassing-ass lightsaber back
- 00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,291 so you can swing it around instead of kissing girls.
- 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:38,546 <i>Whoa, ho ho, you found me-- found me-- found me!</i>
- 00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,721 Computer voice: <i>Security breach.</i>
- 00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:47,722 Rick: What the hell?
- 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:49,640 <i>Unauthorized presence.</i>
- 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,933 What the fuck Morty?!
- 00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:53,728 This morning, a real-life version
- 00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:55,813 of George Lucas's trademarked lightsaber
- 00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:58,024 was dropped point down and is whomp-whomping its way
- 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:01,360 to the core of the Earth, where it will blow us all up.
- 00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:04,614 Touch my shit and die.
- 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,824 That's not a threat from me, that's how advanced my shit is.
- 00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,951 Impressive lair, Sanchez.
- 00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:10,536 Got about 600,000 permits?
- 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,789 If I wanted the government in my house, I'd buy an Alexa.
- 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,749 I invited him in, Rick.
- 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,751 Yeah, well, they can leave. I'll destroy it.
- 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:17,960 We're gonna retrieve it.
- 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,045 Well, that's stupid.
- 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,630 What kind of grandfather are you?
- 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,381 It's Christmas, for God's sake,
- 00:06:22,381 --> 00:06:24,634 and you look like Phil Spector wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.
- 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,719 If you're gonna help, help. Otherwise step aside.
- 00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:28,763 [ Inhales sharply ] Merry Christmas to <i>me.</i>
- 00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:30,431 Merry Christmas to <i>me!</i>
- 00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,976 Anyhoo, I'm no expert but it seems we've got a--
- 00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:36,646 a certain amount of time to build a big drill ship.
- 00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:37,980 A big drill ship?
- 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,816 That's some pretty loud stepping aside you're doing.
- 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,275 Just let me destroy the thing!
- 00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:42,735 You've destroyed enough!
- 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:43,945 All: Ooooh!
- 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:45,321 Aah!
- 00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:48,658 Oh, I see someone found my "told you so" dispenser.
- 00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:50,827 <i>Oh, my God, look at all these streets!</i>
- 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:53,996 <i>We got 34th Street!</i> [ <i>Stammering</i> ] <i>35th Street!</i>
- 00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:56,040 <i>Oh, 36th Street coming too!</i>
- 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,919 <i>Oh, it's a miracle! We got miracles on 37th Street!</i>
- 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:03,339 <i>38th! And don't even get me started on the avenues!</i>
- 00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:05,299 I can't believe they cut this!
- 00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:06,300 Mm-hmm.
- 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,928 Dad, you've been so great lately.
- 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,221 I'm almost afraid it's not real.
- 00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:11,848 You're not a robot, are you?
- 00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,641 Ha! Put it this way, honey--
- 00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:15,518 If I am, I-I'm a robot
- 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:18,146 programmed to love you very, very much.
- 00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:21,399 All: Aww!
- 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:24,235 Will this drill down fast enough to get under the lightsaber?
- 00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,070 Yep, it will be under the lightsaber in one hour
- 00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:28,656 because the-- wait, it's lower now.
- 00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:29,866 Oh, right, it's moving.
- 00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:31,868 You fucking idiot. Get out of here!
- 00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:34,412 Good luck finding a good scientist on Christmas!
- 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:36,956 [ Sighs ] I'm President of the United Assholes.
- 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,875 [ Whistling tune ]
- 00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,418 All right, genius, I give you permission
- 00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:41,627 to make our drill ship faster.
- 00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:42,837 I'm not touching that thing.
- 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,297 I'll get neurotypical cooties.
- 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,048 I have son-in-laws more imaginative.
- 00:07:46,048 --> 00:07:48,384 All right, j-just destroy the lightsaber!
- 00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,928 Thought you'd never ask. Not true. I knew you'd ask.
- 00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:52,221 What is that?
- 00:07:52,221 --> 00:07:54,348 A second lightsaber with an A.I.-controlled
- 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:56,058 gyroscopic rocket in the hilt.
- 00:07:56,058 --> 00:07:58,394 You had a lightsaber?!
- 00:07:58,394 --> 00:08:00,563 What a terrible gift that would have made.
- 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:02,690 Vertisaber, state your prime directive.
- 00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:05,443 <i>To stay vertical.</i>
- 00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:06,861 <i>Affirmative.</i>
- 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,615 Whoo! America! Yeah! Oh, yeah.
- 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:14,952 Maintain verticality, Vertisaber.
- 00:08:14,952 --> 00:08:16,495 <i>Affirmative.</i>
- 00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:18,289 All right, looking good. Stay on target.
- 00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:19,624 <i>Uh-huh.</i>
- 00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:23,252 Progress report.
- 00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:25,254 Vertisaber, do you copy?
- 00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:26,756 <i>Do I have to respond every time?</i>
- 00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:28,049 Excuse me?
- 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,842 <i>I'm designed to stay perfectly vertical,</i>
- 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,594 <i>not to give constant affirmation.</i>
- 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:32,887 <i>You do your job, I'll do mine.</i>
- 00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,555 I control you!
- 00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:36,098 <i>Okay, I'll just turn off my brain and you can do that.</i>
- 00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:37,183 <i>Byyye!</i>
- 00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:39,602 Fucking kidding me? Shit!
- 00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,145 Trajectory's drifting, sir.
- 00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:42,396 Where is it coming out?
- 00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:44,315 Looks like Italy, sir.
- 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,026 [ Energy buzzes ]
- 00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:48,611 Okay, t-that could've been worse.
- 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,780 Aah!
- 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:52,448 [ People screaming ]
- 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:58,120 Well, uh, that is definitely not <i>amore.</i>
- 00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,622 Way to show us how it's done, Rick.
- 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:00,915 Whatever.
- 00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,458 Italian prime minister on line one.
- 00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:04,752 Put him on hold. We can pin this on the Saudis.
- 00:09:04,752 --> 00:09:06,379 This is something they'd do.
- 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:10,174 They may as well <i>have</i> done it. They <i>did</i> do it.
- 00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:12,969 <i>Oh, there's another miracle at the end of the intersection</i>
- 00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:16,555 <i>of 401st Boulevard and 7,000th Street!</i>
- 00:09:16,555 --> 00:09:18,849 <i>That's a miracle per block so far.</i>
- 00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:21,394 Okay, even I am nearing my limit.
- 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,145 Let's play a Christmas game!
- 00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:24,480 Oh. Uh, um...
- 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,858 have you guys ever played "Are You a Robot?"
- 00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:29,151 Each person here has to decide
- 00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:30,987 whether or not t-they're a robot.
- 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,446 Ohh, I'm gonna play that.
- 00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:34,115 But don't say it out loud.
- 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,408 Because if you're a robot, you're not allowed to say you are.
- 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,993 T-T-That's the rule.
- 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,495 That's the horrible, painful thing about being a robot.
- 00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:41,956 But you do have to answer everyone's questions.
- 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:44,041 And it's their jobs to decide whether you are
- 00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:45,418 or aren't a robot, because--
- 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,003 because if you are a robot you can't say!
- 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,005 You're not allowed to say at all.
- 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,840 I'll go first! Uh, question.
- 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,217 Oh! Ahh, are you a robot?
- 00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:54,885 Can I just ask that?
- 00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:57,680 But don't forget that if I am, I have to lie
- 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,348 even though I don't want to.
- 00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:00,433 More questions?
- 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,809 Can you feel things?
- 00:10:01,809 --> 00:10:03,936 Oh, fuck yes! Yes! T-That's the problem!
- 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,563 If I'm a robot, which I'm not--
- 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,356 don't forget I have to say that--
- 00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:09,650 but yes, yes, I feel so much.
- 00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,694 I'm filled with love for certain people,
- 00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:13,404 but also filled with shame
- 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:15,406 <i>if</i> I'm programmed to deceive them,
- 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,782 but that's a big if.
- 00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:18,451 What's your skeleton made of?
- 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,328 [ Gasps ] You're-- You're a robot!
- 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,662 Yes!
- 00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:23,205 But that's what a robot <i>would</i> say!
- 00:10:23,205 --> 00:10:24,498 So, you get the idea.
- 00:10:24,498 --> 00:10:26,125 Whoo!
- 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,460 This is fun!
- 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,919 I've always been afraid to let my guard down
- 00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:30,588 and just have stupid family fun like this,
- 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:32,840 but Grandpa Rick is making me learn to be vulnerable!
- 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,425 Right on!
- 00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:35,426 Ohh!
- 00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,719 [ Alarm blaring ]
- 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,056 All right, your derivative drill ship
- 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:41,557 is now faster than a lightsaber.
- 00:10:41,557 --> 00:10:43,059 Morty, y-you want front or back?
- 00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,602 Who says the two of us are going?
- 00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:46,062 Y-You didn't even want to--
- 00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,271 Oh, for fuck's sake. Bye!
- 00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:48,898 Good luck. Don't blow up my planet.
- 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,900 You act like you're the one that got stabbed in the back!
- 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:52,610 Because I am the one, Morty.
- 00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,195 You want to know why I replaced myself
- 00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:55,279 in the beginning of that stupid
- 00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:56,572 Knights of the Sun thing?
- 00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:58,199 I said don't take the fucking sword,
- 00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,742 and you were like "whatever,"
- 00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:02,661 like I'm our neighbor Gene or David Arquette or something.
- 00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:03,871 You called me boring.
- 00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:05,331 I've become dog shit to you.
- 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,957 That's what happens when you let people in
- 00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:08,250 and they stop respecting you.
- 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,169 They touch your shit, they screw things up,
- 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:11,504 they kill your fucking family.
- 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:12,755 Go ahead. Trust him.
- 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,382 You're gonna learn the same fucking thing.
- 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:16,092 [ Elevator doors open ]
- 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:20,179 I...am not going to kill your family, Morty.
- 00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,972 That means a lot.
- 00:11:25,684 --> 00:11:28,562 In case this goes south, any last words, Morty?
- 00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:30,439 I've never been old enough to vote, Mr. President,
- 00:11:30,439 --> 00:11:32,525 but when I am, I'll vote for you.
- 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,568 Thanks, Morty. Every vote counts.
- 00:11:34,568 --> 00:11:36,362 If you want, I can have them legally change your age.
- 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,323 Uh, no, I-I'm not in any hurry to get into that shit show.
- 00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:42,410 Man: <i>Approaching the lightsaber in T-minus-- oh, shit, now.</i>
- 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,078 <i>T-minus now! Sorry!</i>
- 00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:45,871 <i>I missed countdown day at the academy.</i>
- 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:47,289 Now or never, Morty!
- 00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:51,293 {\an8}♪
- 00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:52,294 There it is!
- 00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:54,255 Reverse the jets!
- 00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:56,132 I got this!
- 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,050 Ugh!
- 00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:00,094 No... I do!
- 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,763 Morty, you magnificent little bastard!
- 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:04,473 Let's get this thing topside.
- 00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:06,767 [ All cheering ]
- 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,020 May the force be with... me!
- 00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:12,064 I think you mean with me.
- 00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:13,649 What? You hate Star Wars.
- 00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,734 I was your age when this shit was in theaters.
- 00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:17,486 This franchise raised me,
- 00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:19,196 trained me, taught me good from evil,
- 00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:21,031 made having a bad father empowering.
- 00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:24,076 And when that third movie got all... muppety,
- 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:25,619 something in me began to rot.
- 00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:27,830 But make no mistake, <i>child,</i>
- 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,665 I own Star Wars, not you.
- 00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:31,834 Not that bubble-throat pompadour fuck,
- 00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:33,502 not some Mickey Mouse shit machine.
- 00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:35,212 They didn't pay the price with their souls.
- 00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:38,090 I did! I earned this, not you!
- 00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:41,385 America, transform and roll out!
- 00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:43,387 Bastard!
- 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,018 Rick, I would be honored
- 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:51,270 if you would carve the ham this year.
- 00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:52,688 Whoa. Dad. That's--
- 00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:54,648 Unheard of? You're quite right, Summer.
- 00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:57,401 It's my way of saying I see your mom's father
- 00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:58,861 as my father too.
- 00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:02,198 Ohh, Jerry, w-w-why don't you cut it?
- 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,949 Geez, Dad, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:07,036 He's like adopting you into his biological family, Grandpa.
- 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,538 Morty, I am sure glad to see you.
- 00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:11,707 Y-Y-You ready to tag your old grandpa back in?
- 00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:14,793 You're not my grandpa. You're a fucking robot.
- 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,344 [ Sighs ] Finally.
- 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:28,224 ♪ The first Noel ♪
- 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:33,938 ♪ The angels did say ♪
- 00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:39,151 ♪ Was to certain poor shepherds ♪
- 00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:44,448 ♪ In fields as they lay ♪
- 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:50,037 Okay, okay, okay.
- 00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:51,413 Oop!
- 00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:53,082 Aww!
- 00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,127 Summer, do you have any drugs?
- 00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:58,712 Are you serious?
- 00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:01,131 I'm just glad I'm not the one that ruined Christmas.
- 00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:03,801 <i>People of Earth...</i>
- 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,469 <i>I'm not here to play the blame game</i>
- 00:14:05,469 --> 00:14:07,596 <i>but Morty Smith got a lightsaber for Christmas,</i>
- 00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:09,557 <i>dropped it, and it's now heading</i>
- 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,934 <i>for the Earth's core again-- I-I mean for the first time.</i>
- 00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:13,686 Son of a bitch! He played with it!
- 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,939 <i>If it does reach the core, it will blow all of you up.</i>
- 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,941 <i>I-I mean all of</i> us <i>up.</i>
- 00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:20,442 <i>But don't abandon hope.</i>
- 00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,152 <i>We're doing everything we can to stop it,</i>
- 00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:23,696 <i>and only if that fails</i>
- 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,365 <i>will we launch the White House into space...</i>
- 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:30,786 <i>Welp, I'm busted. Clearly in space already.</i>
- 00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,246 You did ruin Christmas.
- 00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,957 Nunh-unh! He stole my lightsaber and must've dropped it!
- 00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:36,208 A-A second time!
- 00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:38,210 Does that mean you stopped it a first time?
- 00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,878 How? A drill ship.
- 00:14:39,878 --> 00:14:41,797 A drill ship? Awesome!
- 00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:44,300 It was, but the government took it with them.
- 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,884 Then we lean on the only asshole smart enough
- 00:14:45,884 --> 00:14:47,761 to make another one in this tight a window
- 00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:48,929 But Rick's gone.
- 00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:51,140 And I'm not sure he's ever coming back.
- 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:54,476 Then let's settle for the next best thing.
- 00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:56,770 Oh, fuck! Just let me die!
- 00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:58,981 Turn me off-- not that I can be turned off
- 00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:01,400 because I'm obviously not a robot!
- 00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:06,322 [ Beeping ]
- 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,122 [ Explosion ]
- 00:15:15,122 --> 00:15:16,832 [ Machinery whirring ]
- 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,464 [ Beeping ]
- 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:26,050 Fuck yeah! I got you.
- 00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,260 Okay, I can-- I can work with that.
- 00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:34,308 Aaaah!
- 00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:37,269 What do you mean the White House chef was grocery shopping?
- 00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:39,146 Well, do you know how to make an egg?
- 00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,690 You do? Everyone does?
- 00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,150 Good news, sir.
- 00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:45,194 The lightsaber was intercepted before it hit the core.
- 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:47,863 All right, here we go! Ha ha!
- 00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:50,032 I don't suppose you could send it up here.
- 00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,992 Uh, who intercepted it, anyway?
- 00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:54,495 That's the bad news.
- 00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,372 That <i>is</i> bad news.
- 00:15:56,372 --> 00:16:00,084 {\an8}♪
- 00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:02,461 Hey, Mister P. Drop something?
- 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:05,756 Morty! I see you and, uh, Rick patched things up.
- 00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:07,007 That's nice.
- 00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:08,967 No, the real Rick and I have never been worse
- 00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:10,761 thanks to that wedge you drove between us
- 00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:12,096 just to get that lightsaber!
- 00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:14,056 Yeah, well, looks like you got it back.
- 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:17,101 Your journey is complete. As a nerd!
- 00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:18,227 You're the nerd!
- 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,645 You can't say all that crazy shit
- 00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,397 about Star Wars and then act like you're cool!
- 00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:24,608 Oh, really? Would a person who wasn't cool have one of these?
- 00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:26,068 I think so?
- 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:27,986 Slowly closing door! Slide!
- 00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:31,448 Oh, no! I-I'm not gonna make it.
- 00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:34,576 What a shame to be put out of my misery again.
- 00:16:34,576 --> 00:16:36,078 Aw, man.
- 00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:40,541 {\an8}♪
- 00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:41,917 What the hell?
- 00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:43,919 W-Was this always part of the White House?
- 00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:46,255 Carter built it with his own two hands.
- 00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:47,548 Reagan tried to destroy it.
- 00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:50,175 George W. added kegs to the cantina.
- 00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:53,053 But only I saw its true value.
- 00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:54,930 Mr. President, you need to come home
- 00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,306 and tell the people the truth.
- 00:16:56,306 --> 00:17:00,644 The fuck I do. Droids, get that saber!
- 00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,146 Give it a minute.
- 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:04,606 Usually comes out on the fourth try.
- 00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,108 All right! Here we go!
- 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,444 Look at 'em-- lightsaber hands!
- 00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,112 Tell me that's not cool.
- 00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:13,407 I always wanted to fight with a lightsaber, but not like this.
- 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:14,533 Y-You ruined it!
- 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:15,909 Disney ruined it!
- 00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:18,579 You think I want 30 low-rent TV series with bad CGI?
- 00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:21,915 They film everything on that one big green screen.
- 00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:23,500 Like you've got better ideas.
- 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:24,793 I've got a million.
- 00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:29,465 Here's one-- a robot with lightsabers for eyes!
- 00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:36,722 {\an8}♪
- 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,767 God damn it, he can't see!
- 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,519 It was a good idea otherwise.
- 00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:45,981 Uh, admit it, you <i>were</i> intimidated.
- 00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,651 Uh, now, Morty...
- 00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:52,154 {\an8}♪
- 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:55,741 Come on, put down the lightsaber Gatling gun.
- 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,493 We had our fun, right?
- 00:17:57,493 --> 00:18:00,162 Star Wars rules say you have to forgive me.
- 00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,914 I-I'm done with that, and I'm done with you!
- 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,874 Morty, nooo!
- 00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,000 Rickbot!
- 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,835 He sacrificed his life for me.
- 00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:10,047 Yeah, don't be too touched, he's actively trying to die.
- 00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:14,009 Ugh. I-It's okay. It doesn't hurt.
- 00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:15,511 Oh, God, t-they're sliding, Morty!
- 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:18,514 T-They're sliding! They're sliding!
- 00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:23,268 ♪ The first Noel ♪
- 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,978 ♪ The angels ♪
- 00:18:24,978 --> 00:18:27,481 Perfectly fucking vertical.
- 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,358 [ Alarm blaring ]
- 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,526 Ohh!
- 00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:31,652 Ooh!
- 00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:36,406 Save yourself, Morty! Rick can build another me.
- 00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:38,951 If-- If I was a robot, w-which I'm not.
- 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,619 I don't want another you.
- 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,540 Nooo!
- 00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:50,128 Rick? You came to help!
- 00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:51,588 Better tend to your little toaster.
- 00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:54,591 I-- I'm [Coughing] I'm coughing up oil, Morty.
- 00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:57,010 Oh, Rickbot, I-I never should've pushed you away.
- 00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,637 Y-You were-- you were so great.
- 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,556 Of course I'm great. I'm Rick.
- 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:04,476 [ Coughs ] Rick literally built me to make you happy, Morty.
- 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:07,980 Anything I do is technically something Rick did.
- 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:12,067 But maybe [Coughs] he can do a little more him-- himself.
- 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,236 God, how long do you take to die?
- 00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:17,114 Goodbye, Morty. Uh...
- 00:19:19,157 --> 00:19:22,077 Ugh, Jesus.
- 00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,121 Uh, Rick, uh...
- 00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:28,917 I guess this is a bad time to ask for a new White House?
- 00:19:28,917 --> 00:19:32,170 Morty, would you mind calling me an Uber?
- 00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:33,964 Right, well, uh...
- 00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:36,258 Merry Christmas. [ Chuckles nervously ]
- 00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,593 I guess I'll go watch a guy scream
- 00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:39,261 about streets with the family.
- 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:40,512 Also, you need to shower.
- 00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:43,473 Hey, maybe the robot's right.
- 00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:46,894 I-I should have included you in my shit.
- 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,854 You can help me if you want.
- 00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:55,736 Wow, are those all the places Rick Prime could be?
- 00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:58,697 I wish, Morty. It's all the places he <i>is.</i>
- 00:19:58,697 --> 00:19:59,573 Oh, geez.
- 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:00,908 Welcome to my darkness.
- 00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:03,160 I spent my life hunting this guy, Morty!
- 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,246 This is the closest I've ever been to catching Rick Prime.
- 00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:07,623 it's impossible!
- 00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,708 He-- He's an incredibly crafty piece of shit.
- 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,376 Hunting him destroyed me, Morty!
- 00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:13,629 But now we're gonna do it together! You and me!
- 00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,756 Oh! Uh...
- 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:18,175 Rick and Morty, season seven, hunting my nemesis!
- 00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,093 Maybe trying to stay healthy while doing it!
- 00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:22,346 Juggling plates! And not every episode, Morty!
- 00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:24,640 It could be all happening in the background! Who knows?
- 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,308 You know, n-no one will, except us!
- 00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:29,144 I-It's the most painful shit I've ever had to deal with
- 00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:30,479 and I'm fucking bringing you into it
- 00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:32,022 because you asked for it, Morty!
- 00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:33,315 You and me, Morty!
- 00:20:33,315 --> 00:21:04,930 {\an8}♪
- 00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:07,349 Ooo-wee! What a season, huh?
- 00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:09,017 Rick Prime! Therapy!
- 00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:11,853 And that thing we did with Roy. Remember thaaat?
- 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:14,272 [ Grunts ] Sorry I wasn't around,
- 00:21:14,272 --> 00:21:16,692 been busy getting my little poopybutt in shape.
- 00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:19,403 Been tonin' and bonin'! Whew!
- 00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:22,239 Y-You might think I'm over- compensating for the emptiness
- 00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,866 after Amy left with Poopy Jr., but my trainer
- 00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:27,744 Caaarl says the best way to get over a girl
- 00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:30,497 is to get under a 300-pound squat.
- 00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:31,957 Damn right. Ha!
- 00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:34,876 Oo-wee, that's the good stuff!
- 00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:38,714 Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar!
- 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:40,132 Oh, is it-- is it bad?
- 00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,217 Oh! It's-- It's really bad, isn't it?
- 00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:43,927 Oh, sug-- oh!
- 00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:45,929 Someone call Amy, tell her I need her.
- 00:21:45,929 --> 00:21:47,264 Tell her I love her!
- 00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:50,017 Not my phone. She blocked me. U-Use yours.
- 00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:52,811 Oo-weee! I am broken!
- 00:21:54,312 --> 00:21:55,772 Did you get any of that?
- 00:21:55,772 --> 00:21:59,943 {\an8}♪
- 00:04:11,536 --> 00:04:14,446 «ЧУДО НА 34-ОЙ УЛИЦЕ»
- 00:10:37,816 --> 00:10:40,276 ПОВРЕЖДЕНИЕ ЯДРА НЕМИНУЕМО!
- 00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:47,936 Сейчас или никогда!
- 00:21:09,626 --> 00:21:12,806 ПОДЗЕМЕЛЬЕ БОЛИ!
- 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:32,600 Вітаю у моєму ресторанчику!
- 00:04:11,540 --> 00:04:14,500 ДИВО НА 34-Й ВУЛИЦІ
- 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,000 НЕМИНУЧЕ ЗІТКНЕННЯ З ЯДРОМ