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Джерри получает печенье с предсказанием, в котором говорится, что ему суждено заняться сексом со своей матерью. Заметив, как обстоятельства неумолимо движутся к предсказанию, он и Рик проникают на фабрику по производству печенья с предсказаниями, чтобы провести расследование, в то время как Морти, Саммер и обе Бет посещают зоопарк. Там они обнаруживают, что печенье с предсказаниями изготавливается из экскрементов плененного инопланетянина, способного изменять судьбу, по имени Локериан, а предсказание Джерри пришло от его заключенного смотрителя в попытке привлечь внимание. Генеральный директор Дженнит Падроу-Чант приводит отряд вооруженных охранников, усиленных предсказанием, вместе с матерью Джерри, чтобы убедиться, что он выполнит свою судьбу, пока Рик не скармливает Джерри еще одно печенье с предсказанием, которое в последнюю минуту отменяет его. Поскольку люди бессмертны, пока не исполнится их заветное желание, Рик находит способ сделать Падроу-Чант самой успешной бизнесвумен в мире (её судьба), тем самым делая её уязвимой, и её вместе с смотрителем впоследствии съедают жители Локера. После возвращения домой выясняется, что Рик выжил, съев предсказание, гласившее: «Ты обретёшь нового друга», которое Джерри случайно исполняет, поблагодарив его и назвав другом, к большому огорчению Рика.
- 00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:08,758 Now that was some fantastic <i>chow mein</i>
- 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,220 and before you say that sounded racist, you can ask the waiter how they say it.
- 00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:14,723 It's Panda Express, honey. The waiter’s from Portland.
- 00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:17,684 Alright who the hell changed my ringtone to the theme from Taxi?
- 00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,311 It's a new thing on Taxi Tok,
- 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,648 that's a subculture on TikTok of kids who decided the theme from Taxi slaps.
- 00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:26,484 Now you have to play the Taxi theme for ten people while I film it.
- 00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:28,153 I don't have to do shit, that's dumb.
- 00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:31,364 It raises awareness for leukemia.
- 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:34,617 So. Who else is excited for the zoo tomorrow?
- 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,203 Zoos are my favorite kind of non-water park.
- 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,289 It's just a shame that they both give you diarrhea.
- 00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:41,332 You only get diarrhea at the zoo
- 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,626 if you eat the food you're supposed to feed to the animals.
- 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:47,046 - Which you've done, twice. - They put it in gumball machines.
- 00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:50,675 You know Fortune Cookies only come true if you eat the cookie first.
- 00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:55,346 Alright. ''Hard work often pays off?'' Lame.
- 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:58,224 ''Family time is time well spent.''
- 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,351 OK, that's not only empty, it's been disproven.
- 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,687 OK, mine says, ''Family time is time well...''
- 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,189 Man I got the same one.
- 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:08,568 What's your stupid twenty first century watered down fortune cookie say, Dad?
- 00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:10,945 ''You will have sex with your mother.''
- 00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:49,567 {\an8}Fortune cookies aren't legitimate, right?
- 00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:53,238 {\an8}Jerry, are you seriously asking if I think you're gonna have sex with your mom?
- 00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:58,243 {\an8}No, I wanted to ask if it's okay with you if I make myself throw up the cookie.
- 00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:01,162 {\an8}If it makes you feel better and you can do it quietly, yes,
- 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:02,997 {\an8}but don't hand that advice down to Summer.
- 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,379 {\an8}Can't do it. Sleepy Gary ruined my Gag reflex,
- 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,965 {\an8}which is frustrating because Sleepy Gary wasn't real.
- 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,676 {\an8}Neither are fortune cookies. Go to sleep, Jerry.
- 00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:18,429 {\an8}I know they're not real. It’s just, why is it so specific?
- 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:21,558 {\an8}And why are three of the numbers a few numbers off from my Mom's birthday?
- 00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:24,435 {\an8}- Can we investigate this, Rick? - It’s not an X-file, Jerry,
- 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,563 {\an8}you got the world's last interesting fortune
- 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:29,315 {\an8}Dad, can you explain to TikTok what's going on with your mom?
- 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,985 {\an8}Summer, no social videoing. What if Mi-Maw sees it?
- 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,279 {\an8}We can't let her know this is a thing that might happen.
- 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,156 {\an8}- Might? - She's calling again.
- 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,702 {\an8}- She doesn't usually call this much. - Because you don't usually ghost her
- 00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:43,371 {\an8}because you don't usually decide you’re at risk of...
- 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,665 {\an8}What if she's calling me to tell me I'm adopted?
- 00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:47,667 {\an8}Well, yeah, then you should definitely hit that.
- 00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:51,921 {\an8}- That's not funny! - Jerry, you're making it funny
- 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,549 {\an8}by taking it seriously. And none of us will be laughing
- 00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:56,175 {\an8}if you let this ruin our zoo trip.
- 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:57,260 {\an8}Rick. Can you use science
- 00:02:57,260 --> 00:03:00,054 {\an8}- to make it impossible for me to... - Jerry, you're insulting science.
- 00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,390 {\an8}And as the most powerful man in the universe,
- 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:04,684 {\an8}if I create technology to prevent a random occurrence,
- 00:03:04,684 --> 00:03:06,978 {\an8}I'll end up making it more possible than random.
- 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,066 - When do we leave for the zoo? - One hour.
- 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:15,570 - You have one hour to let go of this. - I'm already done thinking about it.
- 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:22,952 {\an8}Check that out.
- 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,415 {\an8}No!
- 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,173 {\an8}Let me out! Let me out!
- 00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:39,093 {\an8}- You have ten seconds. - I want to go.
- 00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,511 {\an8}You know of my love for the zoo.
- 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,723 {\an8}- Why are you dressed like Morty? - Because Morty's mom is Beth.
- 00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:45,141 {\an8}I'm not unpacking that.
- 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:49,187 {\an8}Okay, if you think I have this much patience for the zoo, on Earth,
- 00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:51,731 {\an8}- you're sorely mistaken. - Jerry, if you don't come with us
- 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,232 {\an8}I will be so disappointed
- 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:56,110 {\an8}You guys should probably go on without Jerry. I just took some readings
- 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,988 on his probability field and this fortune has some strange powers
- 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,658 - I'm gonna need to investigate. - Really? God, I knew it.
- 00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:03,993 Okay. Well. Be careful, honey.
- 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,495 Bring me back a handful of zebra snacks?
- 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:09,040 And please take pictures with my favorite animal, the white tiger.
- 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,292 - Because they breed via incest? - Is that true?
- 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,298 - I knew I was right. - Not even close.
- 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:20,009 I just didn't want to see someone get bullied into going to a zoo.
- 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,220 You may be the single dumbest human I've ever met, Jerry,
- 00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:25,306 but you still have a right to take whatever you want seriously.
- 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:28,142 Thank you. But if that thing says I'm not gonna do it with my mom,
- 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,143 I can go to the zoo.
- 00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,980 Jerry, this thing measures aberrations in probability waves,
- 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,315 I didn't even bother to turn it on because if I did...
- 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,403 - What? - Nothing. Don't get weird on me.
- 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:41,739 But, since we're free for the afternoon, you mind doing a quick activity?
- 00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:44,409 We're gonna disprove this with efficient brute force.
- 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:47,286 These are two shoeboxes, both are empty but I wrote your mother's name
- 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:50,289 - on the inside of one. - What? God no. If you think for a second
- 00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:52,542 - I'm gonna put my... - Good, I didn't wanna do this anyway.
- 00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:56,421 Fine! Can I just tell you which box I would put my penis in?
- 00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:59,340 Saying it seems worse, but okay.
- 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:02,260 Alright. I would put my penis in the box on the right.
- 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,596 Great, look in the other direction and I'm gonna switch up the boxes.
- 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,474 - This feels really low-tech. - Yeah, cause we're measuring reality.
- 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:14,480 I would take out my penis and place it in the box on the right.
- 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:15,481 Again.
- 00:05:17,358 --> 00:05:19,110 - I would put my penis... - Jerry, you don't have
- 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,320 to say penis every time, just left or right
- 00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:24,282 - This was your idea. - I didn't think it'd go on this long.
- 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:27,702 - Okay, penis, Left. - Keep going.
- 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:29,620 Right.
- 00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:31,289 Left.
- 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,584 - Right. - Jerry are you fucking peeking?
- 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:37,045 Tell me what's going on. You're scaring me.
- 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:42,592 Okay, I'm just as likely to shit a balloon as I am to become a dolphin.
- 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:43,968 Those are things that could happen?
- 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,054 Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else.
- 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,308 Which is why it's weird that you're at all likely to...
- 00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:51,726 To what? To what?
- 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,520 Jerry, has your mother been leaving messages?
- 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:57,982 - Three texts. I'm afraid to read them. - Read them.
- 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:02,236 She's asking if she can come visit. Why would she want that?
- 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,198 Jerry, I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anyone.
- 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,658 We need to go to Panda Express.
- 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:11,537 If these guys wanted my respect, they could've just gotten a liquor license.
- 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,498 Now you think this has something to do with you?
- 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,292 Jerry, whoever's behind that fortune has, like, god powers.
- 00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:18,002 Of course it has something to do with me,
- 00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,463 what do you think I am in this story, the father-in-law?
- 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,011 You guys wanted my attention?
- 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,140 Okay, well, now I'm getting mixed signals.
- 00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:36,479 Stay here, Jerry, time to kick ass. Gonna need a soundtrack.
- 00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:38,689 Ship! Favorites playlist, track one!
- 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,529 Alright, fine, no wrong answers.
- 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,381 Tell me where you get your cookies at and we can
- 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:06,259 - all walk out of here alive! DEA? - Fuck you, DEA piece of shit! Cookies?
- 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,302 - Fortune cookies. - You're not here about our gang's
- 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,595 - city-wide meth ring? - What? No.
- 00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,681 Break the laws, they shouldn't exist anyway.
- 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,060 - I am embarrassed. - Me too.
- 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:20,106 - Sorry about these dead guys. - Comes with the territory.
- 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:23,568 - So where do you get your cookies? - Same distributor as everyone else.
- 00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:25,361 - That's their truck out back. - Solid.
- 00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:28,030 OK, I'm gonna take the truck in exchange for not turning you in.
- 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:38,583 Jeez, how much money can there be in cookies that you get for free?
- 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:43,045 And now we're being retina scanned? I know! I've got a theory, Jerry.
- 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,257 - Good. - This place is run by Cookie Monster.
- 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,968 He's really protective about his cookies.
- 00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:50,720 C'mon man you can't crack a smile?
- 00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:53,723 Yeah, you're worried about doing it with your mom. Okay, fair enough.
- 00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:03,524 Fuckin' cameras everywhere. That cup is a camera. That tree is a camera.
- 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:06,194 - Can you disable them? - Stealth rule number one:
- 00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:09,572 turning off 300 cameras draws more attention than changing outfits.
- 00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:12,533 Looks like we need to dress for success.
- 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:15,536 Eye of Thundara, <i>give me suits beyond suits.</i>
- 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,248 Jerry assistant clothing, <i>make-up.</i>
- 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,089 - What the hell was that? - Reuseable Sailor Moon sequence.
- 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,300 If we ever need to show you becoming my assistant again,
- 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,010 we can repeat it and save lots of money.
- 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:41,520 Why does an operation bigger than the government want me to
- 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,022 couple with my mother?
- 00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:01,499 Bezos, Bill Gates, prime ministers.
- 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,459 Weirdly Billy Zane is also here.
- 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,046 <i>Hello. You're about to meet me, Jennith Padrow-Chunt.</i>
- 00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:10,299 Fifteen years ago, I was living in my parent’s garage,
- 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,177 eating ramen out of a toilet when I discovered something.
- 00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:18,349 Fate isn’t fiction. Everything you want can be yours, if you ask for it.
- 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,184 Just ask <i>me.</i>
- 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,103 - Hello, me. <i>- Hello, me.</i>
- 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:25,439 Look at me's. Every suit I wear is virgin white.
- 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,985 I sleep on a bed of loose grains, and begin every morning by dragging
- 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:33,197 my perfect vagina across Chinese silver grass. I'm firm and ripe.
- 00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:37,410 My mother's plane just landed. She took a photo at the airport,
- 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,662 in front of that Wolfgang Puck that smells like a kindergarten.
- 00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,540 <i>Want to know the secret to how I changed my future?</i>
- 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:45,293 - Yes. - Well, once you're a level seven investor
- 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,003 you'll learn that and more.
- 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,298 Yeah, we're not getting the answers we want here. Let's go deeper.
- 00:09:55,594 --> 00:09:58,055 And now, thanks to your generous contributions,
- 00:09:58,139 --> 00:09:59,348 here are this year's cookies.
- 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,729 ''You will receive a six-point-eight percent year on year increase'' Very nice.
- 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:09,275 ''Your talents are appreciated when you become junior partner.''
- 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,445 Holy shit I'm gonna be on 'Dancing with the Stars'!
- 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:17,325 - Please, I can get the money. I swear! - I'm afraid it's too late for that.
- 00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:19,702 God what does it say?
- 00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:24,373 Your penis will be mangled by afrozen yogurt machine at the U.N.!
- 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,583 I know that machine!
- 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:29,253 This would sound impossible to a layman but to me it rings inevitable!
- 00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:33,424 Holy shit. This is real. They're controlling fate for profit.
- 00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:36,427 I'm glad you're happy, now can we blow up the building or something?
- 00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:39,096 I don't think that's the best way to take away their power, Jerry.
- 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,140 Let's take it in a way that ends with us having it.
- 00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,267 - You mean you having it. - I'll share it.
- 00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,478 - Then you fuck my mom. - That's not how it works
- 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,438 - and I already have. - What?
- 00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,190 Jesus, Jerry, come on.
- 00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:52,151 How unfortunate.
- 00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:54,445 Use the emergency fortunes!
- 00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,323 Fighting Fortunes? They're leveling up.
- 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,993 ''You'll have great success in a fight''
- 00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:03,120 I'll be damned
- 00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,545 Fuck! This both sucks and is really valuable data!
- 00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:19,095 - Rick what are you doing?! - Using you as a human shield!
- 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,347 You said it! You said the thing I thought you were doing!!
- 00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:27,645 We've got intruders. And one of them has an unresolved fortune.
- 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:33,067 - We need that man's mother. - Lot of mothers in the world, ma'am.
- 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,985 But only one of them is Mrs.
- 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,405 God damn it, Smith?
- 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:46,664 So are we going to ignore that you tried to stop bullets using my body?
- 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:49,417 You have an unresolved fortune. Until you have sex with your mom,
- 00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,420 you're basically immortal. Do you have any idea how amazing that is?
- 00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:56,006 You don't even care about me. You just want fortune cookie power.
- 00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,635 Okay, Jerry, how about this. If it comes down to it,
- 00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:02,138 - I promise I'll put a bullet in her head. - No!
- 00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,557 You're right, the fortune didn't say she'd be alive, did it?
- 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,475 - I hate you! - Hate productive things.
- 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,519 Hate crawling through a fucking air vent.
- 00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:12,690 Those are those weird hex headed screws. Do your screwdriver fingers...
- 00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,499 Here you go.
- 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,420 Well, at least we have no idea what's going on.
- 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,548 That's a Lockerean. It's a species that eats chaos.
- 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:41,010 But It has a digestive disorder Its stomach is stripping randomness
- 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,554 from spacetime and leaving behind superdense pockets of energy
- 00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:46,056 that bend entropy towards definable outcomes.
- 00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,726 I mean, that's how fate works. It's a field, like gravity,
- 00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:52,021 but instead of pulling small toward big it pulls unknown toward known.
- 00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,398 - So we do know what’s going on. - We know this:
- 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,734 everyone that's had a fortune cookie in the last twenty years
- 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:59,737 has eaten this thing's poop. Fortune cookies are alien poop.
- 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,698 These fortunes are so basic.
- 00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:05,075 Why wouldn't you use this power to change the world?
- 00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,912 Or at least get Nintendo to make a portable VR headset.
- 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:11,582 This place ain't for creating the future, but controlling it.
- 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:16,545 Hi, I'm Old. Old M. Hucksbee. The M. Stands for Man.
- 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:20,090 You're an arch little character. You're the reason fortune cookies suck?
- 00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:22,092 No, that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.
- 00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,470 You have to glut the marketplace with pointless fortunes
- 00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,388 to increase the value of real ones.
- 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:30,643 Controlling destiny for a price, that's the Fortune 500's fortune.
- 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,688 - And you're trying to stop them? - Just trying to get out.
- 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,692 I want to be free with this here alien gal so we can get married.
- 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,444 Then we can have relations.
- 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:43,697 Can't do that before marriage, you know. I'm a Catholic.
- 00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:45,407 Does the alien want that?
- 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,993 It's not exactly what I'd call a sentient species.
- 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,119 A man knows.
- 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,704 What does this have to do with me?
- 00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,581 You put this in my cookie.
- 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:57,336 I been trying to get people's attention. I'd make fortunes saying
- 00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,965 ''You're gonna break your leg unless you investigate this cookie company.''
- 00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:04,552 or ''please come help me or a virus will shut down the world,''
- 00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,554 finally I just made a bunch that said
- 00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:09,139 "You’re gonna have sex with your own momma."
- 00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,433 How many? It, what happened to the others?
- 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,352 I 'spose they fucked their moms.
- 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,021 Now let's cut her chains and get the hell out of here.
- 00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,150 Well, shit on a spaghetti.
- 00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,570 Hello Jerry Smith. Glad you could join us
- 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,155 - on bring your mother to work day. - Mom!
- 00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:29,368 Hi, Jerry. Your friends picked me up in a limousine.
- 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:32,204 They said you won something and I should be the one to give it to you?
- 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,582 - You sick fucks. - Are you guys enjoying this?
- 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:37,585 I used to think I was just a regular white woman.
- 00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:40,254 Then I discovered I could control my destiny.
- 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:43,340 All white women think that. The truth is, this alien crashed
- 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:47,052 - in your yard and you ate its shit. - How dare you. What’s your name?
- 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,680 How dare you? We should’ve blown up the building.
- 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,432 Doesn't matter. All I was gonna say is:
- 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:55,352 guess what, insert name, time for you to eat shit. But first.
- 00:14:57,104 --> 00:15:00,024 - No, I'm so wet. - No.
- 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,358 Jerry. Come back and block bullets.
- 00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:04,153 Authorizing the use of prototype fortunes.
- 00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:12,453 - Fuck! - You can't hide.
- 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,288 My fortune said ''eadshots Only.''
- 00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:19,251 Harry, Greg, Lashawn, Dave C, Dave M, no!
- 00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,128 You piece of shit you killed my friends.
- 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,132 Alright, what does the future hold?
- 00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,098 {\an8}Maybe I can Pokémon this shit.
- 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,225 Blast him or we're both gonna die.
- 00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:36,560 Oh god, oh god.
- 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,231 You control-control water. Like, the water inside a guy.
- 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:42,983 That's a gross power.
- 00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,698 I’m gonna let you live because your fortune sucks.
- 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,575 {\an8}You can't kill me. I can't be killed.
- 00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:54,244 Trust me, that's not as good as it sounds.
- 00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,625 It hurts! It burns!
- 00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:04,046 Fuck! Oh my god my ribs! I can feel my shattered ribs.
- 00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:14,431 Shit these are useless. Where are the fighting fortunes?
- 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:18,268 No no! Those are blanks! Without fortunes,
- 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:21,480 - the effects are completely unpredictable! - Alright.
- 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,576 <i>I am the son of god.</i>
- 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,167 Jerry! Help me, Jerry!
- 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:45,254 Mom, stay away! Just stay away!
- 00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,339 Come on and fuck already!
- 00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,634 Ma'am, is it possible we're being given a chance to take a step back
- 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,094 and examine our behav...
- 00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:58,976 You can't kill me, old man. I also have an unresolved fortune.
- 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,937 {\an8}''The most successful businesswoman on Earth?''
- 00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:04,565 You could do anything you wanted and you chose... work?
- 00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:08,152 Every day I get closer to an unattainable goal.
- 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:11,488 A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever.
- 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:14,199 Well, I just used a dark web account to hack Goldman Sachs,
- 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:17,286 remove trillions of dollars, and purchase everything your company offers.
- 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:20,664 Congratulations, you're officially the most successful business woman on Earth.
- 00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,292 Fortune fulfilled. And now, I'm emptying your bank accounts
- 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:25,127 and giving the money back to Goldman Sachs.
- 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,296 Because I sit dead center on the alignment chart.
- 00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:30,340 You son of a bitch!
- 00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,676 How does it feel to achieve your dreams? Empty, right?
- 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:36,096 Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar. You could see it in his face.
- 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:40,309 <i>I still have one more dream,</i>
- 00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:45,689 <i>watching you die, Rick Sanchez!</i>
- 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,024 You knew my name.
- 00:17:57,159 --> 00:18:00,579 She's free! Run, run my beauty!
- 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,629 Well, butterfly on a corncob.
- 00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:13,383 I see that I've romanticized a wild animal the same way Margret Howe did
- 00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,553 when she jerked off that dolphin in the nineteen-and sixty's.
- 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,640 Both she and I assaulted a captive creature,
- 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,059 then expected it to be reciprocal.
- 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:25,270 Welp, <i>joopity</i> boot! Time to die.
- 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:32,236 <i>Follow me, my queen!</i>
- 00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,533 That's all the bad guys down, we almost got this, Jer.
- 00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,499 No!
- 00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:49,002 Sticks to walls guy, I guess we were both wrong!
- 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:51,505 Oh god.
- 00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:03,267 - Rick, please! - Jerry, I've got the creature.
- 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:06,144 - I knew it. I knew it. - God damn it
- 00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:13,318 Oh god!
- 00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:17,114 Goddammit.
- 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,332 - Holy shit that was close. - Close to what?
- 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:31,086 Close to everyone but your son getting anything they want forever.
- 00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:32,129 You saved me.
- 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:36,216 I will never stop holding this over you. As if that buys me anything.
- 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,968 We should get you some clothes, son.
- 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:44,975 I can just feel the savings.
- 00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:50,689 Hey wait. Got this at the crazy place we just were.
- 00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:54,526 It may look like someone stuck a hand-written fortune in there last second,
- 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,445 but I'm pretty sure that's just the way it came.
- 00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,655 Besides, these don’t mean anything.
- 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,618 Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment,
- 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:05,329 thisis a huge waste of the last real fortune.
- 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:08,457 - I'm sorry, I just... - It's cool, it's cool.
- 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,083 Thanks, friend.
- 00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,669 - Friend! Did you just say friend? - What, what did I do?
- 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:16,048 You fucking idiot! I’m not your friend! Why did you think I was your friend?
- 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,467 - Look at this you piece of shit. - Yeah, yeah, yes, so
- 00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,178 I was immortal! I was immortal for that whole fight!
- 00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,180 All I had to do was never make a new friend!
- 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,682 - Jesus fucking Christ Jerry. - I'm sorry! We're not friends!
- 00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:29,144 Yeah, too late, bonehead, it doesn't say ''new permanent friend,''
- 00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:31,438 all friendships end. Especially new ones.
- 00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:35,233 Well maybe that’s a fate the two of us still control.
- 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,575 - I'm sorry I did that. - It's fine.
- 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,454 <i>The zoo, animals, balloons, moats, cages. A fun time for the whole family.</i>
- 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,707 <i>But you don't care about that, you're a zebra.</i>
- 00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:35,293 <i>You're here for the unparalleled dining experience of hand-fed zebra food.</i>
- 00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:39,172 <i>Delicious. Wait, don't eat. That's for the zebras.</i>
- 00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:41,091 <i>It's making you sick. What are you doing?</i>
- 00:21:41,091 --> 00:21:44,094 <i>Jesus, why have they left all the zebra feeding to the people who come to the zoo</i>
- 00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:46,596 <i>Is that the only way the zebras can get food? They’re so hungry.</i>
- 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,266 <i>What the fuck is happening? We're out of zebra food, okay?</i>
- 00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:51,268 <i>There's no food left, don't come to the zoo.</i>
- 00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:54,312 <i>This was supposed to be a commercial for zebras, targeted to zebras!</i>
- 00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:57,274 The premise itself <i>was questionable but this is a nightmare!</i>
- 00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,317 <i>Don’t go to the zoo. Stay away from the zoo.</i>
- 00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:02,279 <i>God what are you doing in the booth? Get out! Get out, you're mad...</i>
- 00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:07,451 <i>Eat it. Eat zebra food.</i>
- 00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:10,620 Okay, I guess I can’t blame Dad for being confused about what to do
- 00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:14,124 with the zebra food. Also, I have no idea why they're running this ad, like
- 00:22:14,124 --> 00:22:16,126 on a loop? There were murders in it.
- 00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:19,046 And it was specifically telling you to do the thing it didn’t want you to do,
- 00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:20,714 until the very end, when it reversed.
- 00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:23,592 Why would they sell the zebra food in the gift shop, unless.
- 00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:27,137 I mean, do the zebras shop in here? Are we the ones in the zoo?
- 00:22:27,137 --> 00:22:30,057 Is that the twist? OK, we're, it's a human zoo. Got it.
- 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:06,840 «ПАНДА ЭКСПРЕСС»
- 00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:08,800 Рагу по-китайски - просто фантастика!
- 00:00:08,883 --> 00:00:12,178 Не говори, что это звучит по-расистски: попроси официанта произнести название.
- 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,806 Дорогой, это «Панда Экспресс». Здешний официант из Портленда.
- 00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:18,018 Какого хрена кто-то сменил мне звонок на телефоне на музыку из «Такси»?
- 00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:20,311 Это новинка на «Такси-Ток».
- 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,690 Это субкультура детей в «Тик-Токе». Они решили, что музыка из «Такси» рулит.
- 00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:26,484 Теперь ты должен проиграть музыку из «Такси» десяти людям. Я засниму это.
- 00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:28,319 Ничего я не должен. Бред какой-то.
- 00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:31,364 Это повышает осведомленность о лейкемии.
- 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:34,659 Кто еще с нетерпением ждет завтрашнего похода в зоопарк?
- 00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,078 Зоопарки - мой любимый вид парков без воды.
- 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,247 Жаль только, что оба варианта парков вызывают понос.
- 00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,207 Понос от зоопарка может быть лишь в одном случае:
- 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,752 если съесть корм, предназначенный для животных.
- 00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,336 Что ты и сделал. Дважды.
- 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,505 Его кладут в автоматы со жвачкой.
- 00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:51,259 Печенье с предсказанием работает, только если сначала его съесть.
- 00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:55,180 Хорошо. «Тяжелая работа часто окупается». Бредятина.
- 00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:58,099 «Время с семьей - это время, проведенное с пользой».
- 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,226 Так, это не просто бессмысленно: доказано совершенно обратное.
- 00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:02,687 А у меня написано: «Время с семьей - это время, проведенное…»
- 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:05,106 - Блин, у меня такое же? - Фу…
- 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:08,693 Пап, а что в твоем печенье 21-го века с разбавленными предсказаниями?
- 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:11,070 «Вы займетесь сексом с собственной мамой».
- 00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:49,692 Предсказания из печенек не сбываются, правда ведь?
- 00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:53,154 Джерри, ты серьезно? Думаю ли я, что у тебя будет секс с матерью?
- 00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:56,199 Нет, я хотел спросить, ты не против, если я
- 00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:59,536 - вызову рвоту и выплюну печенье? - Если тебе полегчает и ты не будешь
- 00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:03,456 сильно шуметь, то ради бога. Но не советуй Саммер сделать так же.
- 00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:09,420 Я не могу. Сонный Гэри испортил мой рвотный рефлекс,
- 00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:11,881 что меня дико огорчает, ведь Сонный Гэри не настоящий.
- 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,801 Как и печенье с предсказаниями. Ложись спать, Джерри.
- 00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:16,219 Я знаю, что они не настоящие.
- 00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:18,555 Но только почему это было так конкретно?
- 00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:21,599 И почему три цифры на несколько цифр отличаются от дня рождения моей мамы?
- 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,017 Рик, это можно проверить?
- 00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:26,604 Джерри, это не «Секретные материалы». Тебе повезло как утопленнику.
- 00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:29,399 Пап, можешь объяснить «Тик-Току», что происходит с твоей мамой?
- 00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:30,817 Саммер, никаких видео в соцсетях!
- 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:34,571 Вдруг Ми-мо увидит? Нельзя допустить, чтобы она узнала, что такое возможно.
- 00:02:35,029 --> 00:02:37,240 - «Возможно»? - Она опять звонит.
- 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:40,869 - Обычно она так часто не звонит. - Обычно ты ее не игнорируешь,
- 00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:43,538 ведь обычно ты не считаешь, что есть риск…
- 00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:45,623 Вдруг она звонит, чтоб сказать, что меня усыновили?
- 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:47,876 Да? Тогда ты точно не должен упустить такой случай.
- 00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,128 Это не смешно!
- 00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:53,298 Джерри, ты сам делаешь ситуацию смешной, принимая ее всерьез.
- 00:02:53,381 --> 00:02:56,050 Но нам не будет смешно, если из-за тебя мы не попадем в зоопарк.
- 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,553 Рик, можешь при помощи науки сделать так, чтобы не было возможно…
- 00:02:58,636 --> 00:02:59,888 Джерри, ты оскорбляешь науку.
- 00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,432 И как самый могущественный… человек во вселенной…
- 00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:04,851 Если я создам технологию, предотвращающую случайности,
- 00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,895 то в конечном итоге сделаю это скорее возможным, чем случайным.
- 00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:09,772 МАМА ИДЕТ ЗВОНОК…
- 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,190 Когда мы едем в зоопарк?
- 00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:14,068 Через час. У тебя ровно час на то, чтобы справиться с этой фигней.
- 00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:15,987 Я уже справился.
- 00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:23,077 Посмотри-ка на это!
- 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:27,498 Нет!
- 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:35,006 Выпустите меня!
- 00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:37,717 У тебя десять секунд.
- 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,511 Я хочу поехать. Ты же знаешь, как я люблю зоопарки.
- 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:41,971 Почему ты оделся как Морти?
- 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,806 Потому что мама Морти - Бет.
- 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,516 Я не стану в этом разбираться.
- 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,268 Если думаете, что у меня масса терпения
- 00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,146 касательно земных зоопарков, ты вы сильно ошибаетесь.
- 00:03:50,229 --> 00:03:53,149 Джерри, если ты не поедешь с нами, я сильно расстроюсь.
- 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,943 Ладно. Вам, ребята, наверно, придется ехать без Джерри.
- 00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:57,111 Я только что проверил его поле вероятностей:
- 00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:59,906 похоже, это предсказание обладает странной силой, надо это проверить.
- 00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:01,866 Правда? Я так и знал.
- 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,660 Ладно. Будь осторожен, милый.
- 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,578 Привези мне горсть еды для зебры.
- 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:08,957 И, пожалуйста, сфотографируйтесь с моим любимым животным - белым тигром.
- 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,376 - Потому что они плодятся через инцест? - Это правда?
- 00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:17,131 - Я знал, что был прав. - Нисколько.
- 00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:19,884 Я просто не хотел смотреть, как человека заставляют идти в зоопарк.
- 00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,095 Может, Джерри, ты и правда тупица, каких поискать,
- 00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:25,181 но у тебя всё равно есть право серьезно к чему-либо относиться.
- 00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:26,099 Спасибо.
- 00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:29,060 Но раз уж у нас с мамой ничего не будет, я могу поехать в зоопарк.
- 00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:31,854 Джерри, эта штука измеряет отклонения в волнах вероятности.
- 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:35,149 Я ее даже не включал, потому что если бы включил…
- 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,361 - То что? - Ничего. Не веди себя так странно.
- 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:42,073 Но раз уж у нас освободился день, может, немного поработаем?
- 00:04:42,156 --> 00:04:44,409 Мы опровергнем это с помощью эффективной грубой силы.
- 00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:46,286 Вот две коробки из-под обуви. Обе пустые.
- 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,162 Внутри одной коробки я написал имя твоей матери.
- 00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:50,915 Что? Боже, нет. Если ты хоть на секунду подумал, что я засуну свой…
- 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,917 Ну и ладно. Я по-любому не хотел этого делать.
- 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:56,379 Ну ладно. Можно я просто скажу, в какую коробку засунул бы свой член?
- 00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:59,132 Словами будет еще хуже, но валяй.
- 00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:02,343 Ладно. Я бы засунул свой член в коробку справа.
- 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:05,555 Супер. Отвернись, а я поменяю коробки местами.
- 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:08,808 - Как-то не очень высокотехнологично. - Ага, мы же измеряем реальность.
- 00:05:10,893 --> 00:05:14,230 Я бы достал свой член и засунул его в коробку справа.
- 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,732 Опять.
- 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,526 Я бы достал свой член…
- 00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:20,194 Джерри, не надо каждый раз говорить «член».
- 00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:22,530 - Говори «слева» или «справа». - Но это же ты придумал!
- 00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:24,240 Я не думал, что это так надолго.
- 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,117 Ладно. Член.
- 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,910 - Левая. - Продолжай.
- 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:29,579 Правая.
- 00:05:30,329 --> 00:05:31,164 Левая.
- 00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:34,500 - Правая. - Джерри, ты подглядываешь?
- 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:37,253 Скажи, что происходит. Ты меня пугаешь.
- 00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:42,592 Ладно. Я с такой же вероятностью высру шар, с какой стану дельфином.
- 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:43,926 Такое возможно?
- 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,054 Джерри, возможно всё.
- 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,266 Вот почему странно, что ты в принципе склонен…
- 00:05:50,349 --> 00:05:51,809 К чему?
- 00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:54,479 Джерри, твоя мать оставила сообщения?
- 00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:57,065 Три. Я боюсь их читать.
- 00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:58,566 Прочитай их.
- 00:05:58,649 --> 00:06:00,610 Она спрашивает, можно ли приехать в гости.
- 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,278 Зачем ей это?
- 00:06:02,361 --> 00:06:05,323 Джерри, я скажу тебе то, чего не говорил никому.
- 00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:07,992 Нам нужно ехать в «Панда Экспресс».
- 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:09,952 Если б тут искали моего уважения,
- 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,496 получили бы лицензию на алкоголь.
- 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:13,539 Думаешь, это как-то связано с тобой?
- 00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:16,292 Тот, кто стоит за этим предсказанием, обладает божественной силой.
- 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:17,919 Конечно, это имеет какое-то отношение ко мне.
- 00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,797 Как думаешь, кто я в этой истории? Свекор?
- 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,673 ЗАКРЫТО
- 00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:25,885 ТОЛЬКО ДЛЯ ПЕРСОНАЛА
- 00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:27,220 Хотели, чтоб я к вам присмотрелся?
- 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,682 Так, теперь я получаю смешанные сигналы.
- 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,101 МАМА: СРОЧНО
- 00:06:33,184 --> 00:06:34,018 ОТВЕТЬ НА ЗВОНОК
- 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,269 Будь здесь. Пора надрать им задницу.
- 00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:38,773 Мне понадобится саундтрек. Корабль, плейлист «Избранное», первый трек.
- 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,821 Хорошо, супер. Никаких неверных ответов.
- 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,465 Скажи, где ты взял печенье, и мы сможем уйти отсюда живыми!
- 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:05,842 - Пошел на хрен, убээнщик! - «Убээнщик»?
- 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,135 - Печенье? - Печенье с предсказаниями.
- 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,053 Ты здесь не из-за городской сети нашей наркобанды?
- 00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:11,848 Что? Нет. Нарушайте законы сколько угодно. Их всё равно не существует.
- 00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,269 - Я что-то растерялся. - Я тоже.
- 00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:18,563 Извини за всех этих мертвяков.
- 00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:19,981 Ничего, обычное дело.
- 00:07:20,064 --> 00:07:22,817 - Так где ты берешь печенье? - Там же, где и все.
- 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:23,734 «ФОРТУНА-500»
- 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:24,944 Там, на заднем дворе, их грузовик.
- 00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:28,281 Чудесно. Ладно, я заберу грузовик в обмен на то, что не выдам тебя.
- 00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:38,583 Боже. Что такого ценного в печенье, которое дают бесплатно?
- 00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,543 Да еще и сетчатку сканируют?
- 00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:43,880 - Да уж. Джерри, есть предположение. - Это хорошо.
- 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:46,299 Этим местом управляет «Монстр печенья».
- 00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:49,135 Он просто очень хорошо защищает свое печенье.
- 00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:51,012 Да ладно, чувак. Даже улыбку выдавить не можешь?
- 00:07:51,095 --> 00:07:53,014 Ну да. Думаешь, как не натворить дел со своей мамашей.
- 00:07:53,097 --> 00:07:54,348 Что ж, логично.
- 00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,981 Повсюду гребаные камеры. Та чашка - это камера.
- 00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:03,691 То дерево - камера.
- 00:08:03,774 --> 00:08:05,067 Можешь их отключить?
- 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,235 Правило маскировки номер один:
- 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,864 отключение 300 камер привлечет больше внимания, чем переодевание.
- 00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:12,200 Похоже, чтобы преуспеть, нам нужно переодеться.
- 00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:16,245 Око Тундары, дай мне самый классный костюм!
- 00:08:16,954 --> 00:08:19,290 Джерри, одежда помощника и образ!
- 00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:25,588 Что это было?
- 00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:27,089 Многоразовая последовательность «Сейлор Мун».
- 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,217 Если нам понадобится снова выдать тебя за моего помощника,
- 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,052 можно будет повторить и сэкономить кучу денег.
- 00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:33,304 ТОЛЬКО ДЛЯ УПОЛНОМОЧЕННОГО ПЕРСОНАЛА
- 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,561 Почему операция уровня правительства и выше
- 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:43,189 требует от меня сношаться с собственной матерью?
- 00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:00,122 Безос? Билл Гейтс?
- 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:03,543 Премьер-министры? Как ни странно, Билли Зейн тоже здесь.
- 00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:07,463 Здравствуйте. Скоро вы познакомитесь со мной, Дженнит Падроу-Чант, лично.
- 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,383 Пятнадцать лет назад я жила в гараже родителей,
- 00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:13,678 ела рамен из унитаза, но однажды кое-что обнаружила.
- 00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:15,554 Судьба - это не вымысел.
- 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:18,349 Всё, что вы хотите, может стать вашим, если вы попросите об этом.
- 00:09:18,432 --> 00:09:20,184 Просто попросите меня.
- 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,978 - Привет, я. - Привет, я.
- 00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,354 Посмотрите на варианты меня.
- 00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:25,439 Все мои костюмы - кипенно-белые.
- 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,317 Я сплю на постели из сыпучего зерна и начинаю каждое утро
- 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,696 с проветривания своей идеальной вагины на китайской серебряной траве.
- 00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:33,489 Я крепкая и созревшая.
- 00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,033 Самолет моей матери только что приземлился.
- 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,536 Она сделала фото в аэропорту на фоне того «Вольфганга Пака»,
- 00:09:38,619 --> 00:09:39,912 что пахнет детским садом.
- 00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:42,623 Хотите узнать секрет того, как я изменила свое будущее?
- 00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,209 - Да. - Став инвестором седьмого уровня,
- 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,420 вы узнаете это и многое другое.
- 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:50,715 Да уж, здесь мы не получим ответов, которые ищем. Пошли дальше.
- 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,972 А теперь, благодаря вашим щедрым взносам,
- 00:09:58,055 --> 00:09:59,807 вот вам печенье этого года.
- 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,729 «Вы получите увеличение на 6,8% в годовом исчислении»? Очень хорошо.
- 00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:09,191 «Ваши таланты оценят… когда вы станете младшим партнером».
- 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,403 Чёрт. Я буду участвовать в «Танцах со звездами».
- 00:10:12,486 --> 00:10:14,822 Пожалуйста, я достану деньги. Клянусь.
- 00:10:14,905 --> 00:10:17,408 Боюсь, уже слишком поздно.
- 00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,869 Боже, что там написано?
- 00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:24,290 «Ваш член покалечит автомат замороженного йогурта в ООН»?
- 00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:25,666 Я знаю этот автомат!
- 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:29,128 Обывателю это покажется невозможным, но, как по мне, это неизбежность.
- 00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:31,714 Блин. Это всё взаправду.
- 00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:33,424 Они управляют судьбой ради прибыли.
- 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:36,594 Я рад, что ты счастлив. Может, теперь взорвем здание или что-то в этом роде?
- 00:10:36,677 --> 00:10:38,929 Не думаю, что это лучший способ лишить их силы, Джерри.
- 00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,015 Давай заберем у них эту силу.
- 00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:42,433 То есть это ты ее заберешь.
- 00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:44,268 - Я поделюсь. - Тогда ты трахнешь мою маму.
- 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,812 Это так не работает. К тому же я уже…
- 00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:49,190 - Что «уже»? - Боже, Джерри, пойдем же.
- 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,234 Очень жаль.
- 00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,612 Используем судьбу по чрезвычайным ситуациям!
- 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,281 Судьба для драки? Они повышают уровень!
- 00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:00,618 «Ты добьешься больших успехов в бою».
- 00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,204 Будь я проклят.
- 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,837 Твою мать! Это и отстой, и действительно ценные данные.
- 00:11:16,717 --> 00:11:18,928 - Рик, что ты делаешь? - Использую тебя как живой щит.
- 00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:21,722 Ты сам признался! Я был уверен, что именно это ты и делаешь!
- 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:27,728 У нас нарушители, у одного из них неразгаданная судьба.
- 00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:29,563 НЕ РАЗГАДАНО
- 00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,065 Нам нужна мать этого человека.
- 00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:32,942 В мире много матерей, мэм.
- 00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,277 Но только одна из них миссис…
- 00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:37,405 Проклятье. «Смит»?
- 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,664 Значит, замнем тот факт, что ты защищался мной от пуль?
- 00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:47,915 У тебя неразгаданная судьба.
- 00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:50,334 Пока ты не займешься сексом со своей мамашей, ты практически бессмертен.
- 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,420 Ты хоть представляешь, как это прекрасно?
- 00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:56,549 Тебе на меня наплевать. Тебе нужна только сила печенья с предсказанием.
- 00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,300 Ладно, Джерри, а как насчет этого?
- 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:01,303 Если до этого дойдет, обещаю, что пущу ей пулю в голову.
- 00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:02,888 - Нет! - Ты прав.
- 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:04,598 Судьбой не предсказано, что она будет жива, верно?
- 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,475 - Я тебя ненавижу. - Ненавидь что-то продуктивное!
- 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,103 Ненавидь ползать по гребаной вентиляции.
- 00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:12,773 Это те странные винты с шестигранной головкой. Твои пальцы-отвертки…
- 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,462 По крайней мере, мы понятия не имеем, что происходит.
- 00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:35,504 Это локерин.
- 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,506 Существо, питающееся хаосом.
- 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,425 Но у него расстройство желудка.
- 00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:41,510 Его желудок вычищает случайность из пространства и времени,
- 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,429 оставляя сверхплотные очаги энергии,
- 00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:45,848 которые склоняют энтропию к определяемым результатам.
- 00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,559 Так устроена судьба. Это поле, как гравитация.
- 00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:52,146 Но оно притягивает не малое к большому, а неизвестное к известному.
- 00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:53,731 Итак, мы знаем, что происходит.
- 00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,816 Мы знаем это. Все, у кого было печенье с предсказанием,
- 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:58,027 последние 20 лет ели какашки этой штуки.
- 00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,029 Печенье с предсказаниями - это инопланетные какашки.
- 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:02,781 Эти предсказания очень простые.
- 00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:05,034 Почему бы не использовать эту силу, чтобы изменить мир?
- 00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,870 Или заставить Nintendo сделать мини-гарнитуру виртуальной реальности?
- 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:11,790 Это место не для создания будущего, а для управления им.
- 00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:16,670 Привет, я Старый. Старый М. Хаксби. «М» означает «мужик».
- 00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:19,965 Ты архималенький персонаж. Из-за тебя печенье с предсказаниями отстойные?
- 00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:22,009 Нет. Это идея Дженнит Чант.
- 00:13:22,092 --> 00:13:24,428 Надо заполнить рынок бессмысленными предсказаниями,
- 00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,305 чтобы увеличить стоимость реальных.
- 00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:31,435 Управление судьбой за определенную цену. Такова судьба «Фортуны-500».
- 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:34,688 - А ты пытаешься их остановить? - Просто пытаюсь выбраться.
- 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,651 Хочу освободиться вместе с этой инопланетянкой. Мы хотим пожениться.
- 00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,402 Тогда у нас могут быть отношения.
- 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:43,864 Понимаешь, до брака ведь нельзя. Я католик.
- 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,282 А инопланетянка согласна?
- 00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:48,035 Я бы не считал этот вид разумным.
- 00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:50,788 - Этот мужик в курсе. - Какое отношение это имеет ко мне?
- 00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:52,748 Ты положил это в мое печенье.
- 00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:55,918 Ага. Пытаюсь привлечь внимание людей.
- 00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,629 Я хотел сделать предсказания типа «Вы сломаете ногу,
- 00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:00,839 если не расследуете деятельность компании по производству печенья»
- 00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:04,510 или «Умоляю, помогите мне, иначе вирус охватит весь мир».
- 00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,595 Но в результате я выпустил это:
- 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,223 «Вы займетесь сексом с собственной мамой».
- 00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:11,433 Сколько их? Что случилось с остальными?
- 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,310 Наверно, они трахнули своих матерей.
- 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:16,063 А теперь давайте разрежем ее цепи и уберемся отсюда к чёрту.
- 00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:20,067 Хрена с два!
- 00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:21,569 Привет, Джерри Смит.
- 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,572 Рада, что ты смог присоединиться к нам в день «Приведи маму на работу».
- 00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:29,326 Привет, Джерри. Твои друзья подвезли меня на лимузине.
- 00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:32,037 Они сказали, что тебе что-то нужно и я должна тебе это дать.
- 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,582 - Вы больные ублюдки! - Ребята, вам это нравится?
- 00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,585 Раньше я думала, что я обычная белая женщина.
- 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:40,296 Потом я обнаружила, что могу управлять своей судьбой.
- 00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:42,339 Все белые женщины так думают. Правда в том,
- 00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:45,092 что это инопланетное существо врезалось в твой двор, и ты съела его дерьмо.
- 00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:46,844 Как ты смеешь? Как тебя зовут?
- 00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,304 Это ты как смеешь?
- 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,638 Надо было взорвать это здание.
- 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,307 Неважно. Я хотела сказать только одно:
- 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:54,226 «Знаешь что, вставь имя, тебе пора есть дерьмо».
- 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:55,311 Но сначала…
- 00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:59,857 - Нет, я такая мокрая. - Нет!
- 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:01,400 Джерри, вернись и останавливай пули!
- 00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:04,486 Разрешаю использовать прототипные предсказания.
- 00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:12,578 - Твою мать! - Тебе не спрятаться!
- 00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:14,538 Мое предсказание: «Стрелять только в голову».
- 00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:19,251 Гарри! Грегг! Ла Шон! Дэйв С.! Дэйв М.! Нет!
- 00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,503 Ты кусок дерьма! Ты убил моих друзей!
- 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,466 Так. Что нас ждет в будущем?
- 00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:27,176 ВЫ БУДЕТЕ УПРАВЛЯТЬ ОГНЕМ
- 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:31,931 ВЫ БУДЕТЕ УПРАВЛЯТЬ ВОДОЙ
- 00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:33,599 Может, я смогу обпокемонить эту хрень.
- 00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:36,644 - Взорви его, или мы оба умрем! - Боже!
- 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:41,190 Ты «контролируешь» воду типа воды внутри этого парня.
- 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,067 Это грубая сила.
- 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:45,444 ВЫ СМОЖЕТЕ ПРИЛИПАТЬ К СТЕНАМ
- 00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,823 Я оставлю тебя в живых, потому что твоя судьба - отстой.
- 00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:51,617 Вам меня не убить. Меня нельзя убить!
- 00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,411 Поверь, это не так хорошо, как кажется.
- 00:15:57,706 --> 00:16:00,209 Больно! Горит! Блин!
- 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:01,669 Боже, мои ребра!
- 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:04,046 Я чувствую свои сломанные ребра!
- 00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:11,845 ВЫ ЗАВЕДЕТЕ НОВОГО ДРУГА
- 00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:14,181 Чёрт, это бесполезно. Где боевые предсказания?
- 00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:17,393 Нет! Эти пустые.
- 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:20,646 Без предсказаний последствия совершенно непредсказуемы.
- 00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:22,022 Ладно.
- 00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,660 Я сын Божий.
- 00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,039 БЛИН…
- 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,666 Джерри!
- 00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,419 - Помоги мне, Джерри! - Мама, держись от меня подальше!
- 00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:45,170 Просто держись подальше!
- 00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,589 Давай же, трахайся!
- 00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:49,675 Мэм, возможно, нам дают шанс
- 00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:52,136 сделать шаг назад и подумать над нашим поведением?
- 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:56,223 Тебе меня не убить, старик.
- 00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:58,767 У меня тоже есть невыполненное предсказание.
- 00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:01,937 «Самая успешная бизнесвумен на Земле»?
- 00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:04,940 Ты могла делать всё что хотела, но ты выбрала работу.
- 00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:08,110 С каждым днем я приближаюсь к недостижимой цели.
- 00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:11,530 Бренд образа жизни одной женщины, навсегда.
- 00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:14,199 Только что с аккаунта в даркнете я взломал банк Goldman Sachs,
- 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:17,286 взял триллионы долларов и купил всё, что предлагает ваша компания.
- 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:18,203 Поздравляю!
- 00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:20,622 Вы официально самая успешная бизнесвумен на Земле.
- 00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:22,040 Предсказание сбылось.
- 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:25,085 А теперь я опустошу ваши банковские счета и верну деньги Goldman Sachs,
- 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,296 потому что я сижу прямо в центре диаграммы выравнивания.
- 00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,215 Сукин ты сын!
- 00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:33,135 Каково это - чувствовать, что твоя мечта сбылась? Ощущение пустоты, верно?
- 00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:36,221 Как Ди Каприо, наконец-то получивший «Оскар». У него на лице было написано.
- 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:40,392 У меня есть еще одна мечта!
- 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:45,314 Увидеть, как ты умираешь, Рик Санчес!
- 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,066 Ты знала мое имя.
- 00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:58,744 Она свободна! Беги!
- 00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:00,788 Беги, моя красавица!
- 00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:08,796 Бабочка на кукурузном початке.
- 00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:11,673 Вижу, что я романтизировал дикое животное,
- 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,592 в точности как Маргарет Хоу,
- 00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:16,553 которая дрочила дельфину в 60-х.
- 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,723 И она, и я пристали к пленному существу
- 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,267 и ожидали взаимных чувств.
- 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:25,395 Итак, трам-пам-пам, пора умирать.
- 00:18:29,691 --> 00:18:32,402 За мной, моя королева!
- 00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:37,658 Все плохиши убиты. Мы почти справились, Джер.
- 00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:45,165 Нет!
- 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:49,127 Парень, прилипающий к стенам. Похоже, мы оба ошибались.
- 00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:51,713 Боже.
- 00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:03,267 - Рик, пожалуйста! - Джерри, я держу существо.
- 00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:04,309 Я так и знал.
- 00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:06,687 - Я так и знал. - Чёрт возьми.
- 00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,317 ДЖЕРРИ НЕТ СЕКС МАМА
- 00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:13,527 О боже!
- 00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,072 Проклятье.
- 00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:27,583 - Блин. Чуть было… - Что «чуть было»?
- 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:31,003 Они чуть было не получили, что хотели, навсегда. Благодаря вашему сыну.
- 00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:32,129 Ты спас меня.
- 00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:36,091 Я всегда буду тебя этим шантажировать. Можно подумать, мне что-то обломится.
- 00:19:36,174 --> 00:19:37,926 Надо купить тебе одежду, сынок.
- 00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:45,142 Я прям ощущаю экономию.
- 00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:47,853 Эй, подожди.
- 00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:50,981 Я получил это в безумном месте, где мы только что были.
- 00:19:51,064 --> 00:19:53,692 Похоже, будто кто-то засунул туда написанное от руки предсказание
- 00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:56,945 в последнюю минуту, но я уверен, что оно там было с самого начала.
- 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,156 Кроме того, это ничего не значит.
- 00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:01,241 СПАСИБО
- 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,743 Джерри, хоть я и ценю это чувство,
- 00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:05,787 но ты просто так потратил последнее настоящее предсказание.
- 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,707 - Извини. Я просто… - Всё нормально.
- 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,000 Спасибо, друг.
- 00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:11,627 «Друг»? Ты только что сказал «друг»?
- 00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:14,296 - Что? Что я такого сделал? - Ты гребаный идиот! Я тебе не друг.
- 00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,964 С чего ты взял, что я твой друг?
- 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,341 Посмотри на это, кусок дерьма.
- 00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:18,425 ВЫ ЗАВЕДЕТЕ НОВОГО ДРУГА
- 00:20:18,508 --> 00:20:21,053 - Да. И что? - Я был бессмертен во время всей битвы.
- 00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:23,013 Мне только нельзя было заводить новых друзей.
- 00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:25,682 - Господи, чёрт возьми, Джерри. - Извини, мы не друзья.
- 00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:29,019 Ага, слишком поздно, болван. Здесь не сказано «нового постоянного друга».
- 00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:31,855 Всякая дружба заканчивается, особенно новая.
- 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:35,233 Что ж, может, это судьба, которую мы двое всё еще контролируем.
- 00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:42,908 Извини за то, что я сделал.
- 00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:43,909 Ничего.
- 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,828 Зоопарк… Животные, воздушные шары, рвы, клетки.
- 00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,413 Веселое времяпрепровождение для всей семьи.
- 00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:31,415 Но вас это не волнует. Вы зебры.
- 00:21:31,498 --> 00:21:34,876 Вы здесь, чтобы насладиться непревзойденным вкусом еды для зебр.
- 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:35,836 ЕДА ДЛЯ ЗЕБР
- 00:21:35,919 --> 00:21:38,005 Очень вкусно. Эй… Подождите, не ешьте…
- 00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:39,214 Это для зебр.
- 00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,258 Вас будет тошнить. Что вы делаете? Господи.
- 00:21:41,341 --> 00:21:43,885 Почему кормление зебр доверили посетителям зоопарка?
- 00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:45,804 Зебры могут получать пищу только так?
- 00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:47,639 Они очень голодные. Что, чёрт возьми, происходит?
- 00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:50,225 У нас закончилась еда для зебры, ясно? Еды больше нет.
- 00:21:50,308 --> 00:21:51,893 Не приходите в зоопарк. Это должна была быть
- 00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:54,187 реклама зебр, ориентированная на зебр.
- 00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:55,647 Подозрительной была сама идея.
- 00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:57,274 Но это просто кошмар.
- 00:21:57,357 --> 00:21:59,234 Не ходите в зоопарк. Держитесь подальше от зоопарка!
- 00:21:59,317 --> 00:22:00,694 Боже! Что ты делаешь в будке?
- 00:22:00,777 --> 00:22:02,112 Выходи! Ты с ума сошел…
- 00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:04,656 МАГАЗИН ПОДАРКОВ
- 00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:07,117 Ешьте ее. Ешьте еду зебры.
- 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,037 Так. Пожалуй, нельзя винить папу за то, что его сбили с толку в плане
- 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,496 корма для зебр и того, что с ним делать.
- 00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:14,916 Кроме того, я понятия не имею, почему эту рекламу пускают по кругу.
- 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,377 В ней есть убийства, и она намеренно убеждает делать то,
- 00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:20,714 в чём хочет тебя разубедить, до самого конца, когда всё встает на свои места.
- 00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:22,924 Зачем продавать корм для зебры в сувенирном магазине?
- 00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:27,054 Если только… Что, сюда захаживают зебры? Это мы в зоопарке?
- 00:22:27,137 --> 00:22:30,182 Всё наоборот? Так, это человеческий зоопарк. Теперь понятно.
- 00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:34,686 СВЕТЛОЙ ПАМЯТИ МАЙКА МЕНДЕЛА
- 00:22:35,645 --> 00:22:37,647 Перевод субтитров: Татьяна Грачева
- 00:00:05,588 --> 00:00:08,091 Jerry: Ah! Now, that was some fantastic <i>chow mein.</i>
- 00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,843 And before you say that sounded racist,
- 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,511 you can ask the waiter how they say it.
- 00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:14,264 It's Panda Express, honey. The waiter's from Portland.
- 00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:16,015 Alright, who the hell changed my ringtone
- 00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:17,392 to the theme from "Taxi"?
- 00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:19,602 [ Both laugh ]
- 00:00:17,475 --> 00:00:19,602 It's a new thing on Taxi Tok.
- 00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:21,479 That's a subculture on TikTok of kids
- 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,022 who decided the theme from "Taxi" slaps.
- 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,524 Now you have to play the "Taxi" theme
- 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:25,817 for ten people while I film it.
- 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:28,486 I don't have to do shit. That's dumb.
- 00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,655 It raises awareness for leukemia.
- 00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:34,033 So... who else is excited for the zoo tomorrow?
- 00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:36,578 Zoos are my favorite kind of non-water park.
- 00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:38,705 It's just a shame that they both give you diarrhea.
- 00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:41,291 You only get diarrhea at the zoo if you eat the food
- 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,042 you're supposed to feed to the animals.
- 00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,711 Summer: Which you've done, twice.
- 00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,838 They put it in gumball machines.
- 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,673 You know, fortune cookies only come true
- 00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,717 if you eat the cookie first.
- 00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:54,637 Alright. "Hard work often pays off"? Lame.
- 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,432 "Family time is time well spent."
- 00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,559 Okay, that's not only empty. It's been disproven.
- 00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:02,061 Okay, mine says, "Family time is time well..."
- 00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,855 Oh, man, I got the same one?
- 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:04,939 - Boo. - Boo.
- 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,274 What's your stupid 21-century
- 00:01:06,274 --> 00:01:08,026 watered-down fortune cookie say, Dad?
- 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,904 "You will have sex with your mother."
- 00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:29,839 {\an8}♪
- 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:47,023 {\an8}♪
- 00:01:47,023 --> 00:01:49,192 {\an8}Fortune cookies aren't legitimate, right?
- 00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:50,693 {\an8}Jerry, are you seriously asking
- 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,445 {\an8}if I think you're gonna have sex with your mom?
- 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:55,615 {\an8}No, I-I wanted to ask if it's okay with you
- 00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:57,450 {\an8}if I make myself throw up the cookie.
- 00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,453 {\an8}If it makes you feel better and you can do it quietly, yes,
- 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:02,997 {\an8}but don't hand that advice down to Summer.
- 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,958 {\an8}[ Retching ]
- 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,584 {\an8}Ugh! Can't do it.
- 00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,711 {\an8}Sleepy Gary ruined my gag reflex,
- 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,172 {\an8}which is frustrating because Sleepy Gary wasn't real.
- 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:14,259 {\an8}Neither are fortune cookies. Go to sleep, Jerry.
- 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,885 {\an8}I know they're not real. [ Chuckles ]
- 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,512 {\an8}It's just-- why is it so specific?
- 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:18,888 {\an8}And why are three of the numbers
- 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,974 {\an8}a few numbers off from my Mom's birthday?!
- 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,517 {\an8}Can we investigate this, Rick?
- 00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:23,977 {\an8}It's not an X-File, Jerry,
- 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,895 {\an8}You got the world's last interesting fortune.
- 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,606 {\an8}Dad, can you explain to TikTok what's going on with your mom?
- 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,275 {\an8}Summer, no social videoing!
- 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:31,693 {\an8}What if Mi-Maw sees it?
- 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,778 {\an8}We can't let her know this is a thing that might happen!
- 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,113 {\an8}Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh, "might"?
- 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:36,739 {\an8}[ Phone buzzing ]
- 00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:36,739 {\an8}She's calling again.
- 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,283 {\an8}She doesn't usually call this much.
- 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,118 {\an8}Because you don't usually ghost her
- 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,829 {\an8}because you don't usually decide you're at risk of...
- 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,039 {\an8}What if she's calling me to tell me I'm adopted?!
- 00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,333 {\an8}Well, yeah, then you should <i>definitely</i> hit that.
- 00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:48,501 {\an8}[ Laughter ]
- 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:49,878 {\an8}That's not funny!
- 00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,338 {\an8}Jerry, you're making it funny by taking it seriously.
- 00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:53,923 {\an8}And none of us will be laughing
- 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,675 {\an8}if you let this ruin our zoo trip.
- 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,802 {\an8}Rick, can you use science to make it impossible for me to--
- 00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,220 {\an8}Jerry, you're insulting science.
- 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,723 {\an8}And as the most powerful [burps] man in the universe,
- 00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:04,183 {\an8}if I create technology to prevent a random occurrence,
- 00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,686 {\an8}I'll end up making it more possible than random.
- 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:07,937 {\an8}[ Phone buzzing ]
- 00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:07,937 {\an8}[ Gasps ]
- 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:08,938 [ Laughter ]
- 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,523 When do we leave for the zoo?
- 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:13,276 One hour. You have one hour to let go of this.
- 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,528 I'm already done thinking about it.
- 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:20,241 [ Laughing ]
- 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,535 Morty: Check that out, huh?
- 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,037 [ Laughter ]
- 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,204 [ Cellphone dings ]
- 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:27,582 Jerry: Ah! Ah! No!
- 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,459 [ Groans ]
- 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:32,128 Aah! Aah! Aah!
- 00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:33,338 [ Laughter ]
- 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,756 Let me out! Let me out!
- 00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,132 [ Grunting ]
- 00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:38,384 - You have ten seconds. - I want to go.
- 00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:39,969 You know of my love for the zoo!
- 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,387 {\an8}Why are you dressed like Morty?
- 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:43,139 {\an8}Because Morty's mom is Beth.
- 00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:45,224 {\an8}I'm not unpacking that.
- 00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:45,224 {\an8}[ Horn honks ]
- 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,518 {\an8}Okay, if you think I have this much patience for the zoo,
- 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,520 {\an8}on Earth, you're sorely mistaken.
- 00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:52,482 {\an8}Jerry, if you don't come with us, I will be so disappointed.
- 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,484 {\an8}Okay, you guys should probably go on without Jerry.
- 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,486 {\an8}I just took some readings on his probability field,
- 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,154 {\an8}and this fortune has some strange powers
- 00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,447 {\an8}I'm gonna need to investigate.
- 00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:01,240 {\an8}Really?! Oh, God, I knew it.
- 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,076 [ Sighs ] Okay. Well. Be careful, honey.
- 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,911 Ooh! Bring me back a handful of zebra snacks?
- 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,288 A-And please take pictures with my favorite animal,
- 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:08,623 the white tiger!
- 00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:10,208 Summer: Because they breed via incest?
- 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:11,668 Is that true?!
- 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,252 [ Laughter ]
- 00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:16,130 Ah. I knew I was right. Not even close.
- 00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:19,217 I just didn't want to see someone get bullied into going to a zoo.
- 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,177 You may be the single dumbest human I've ever met,
- 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:22,470 Jerry, but you still have a right
- 00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,722 to take whatever you want seriously.
- 00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,557 Thank you, but if that thing says
- 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,559 I'm not gonna do it with my mom, I can go to the zoo.
- 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,103 Jerry, this thing measures aberrations
- 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,521 in probability waves.
- 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,439 I didn't even bother to turn it on because if I did--
- 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:34,941 [ Whirring, beep ]
- 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,192 Huh.
- 00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:36,192 What?!
- 00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:37,652 Nothing. Don't get weird on me.
- 00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,737 But, uh, since we're free for the afternoon,
- 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,447 you mind doing a quick activity?
- 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,825 We're gonna disprove this with efficient brute force.
- 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,576 These are two shoeboxes. Both are empty,
- 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,495 but I wrote your mother's name on the inside of one.
- 00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:50,123 What? God, no! If you think for a second I'm gonna put my--
- 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,375 Good. I didn't wanna do this anyway.
- 00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:55,962 Fine! Can I just tell you which box I <i>would</i> put my penis in?
- 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,631 Saying it seems worse, but okay.
- 00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:01,759 Alright. I <i>would</i> put my penis in the box on the right.
- 00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,302 Great. Uh, look in the other direction,
- 00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:04,971 and I'm gonna switch up the boxes.
- 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,305 This feels really low-tech.
- 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:10,018 {\an8}Yeah, 'cause we're measuring reality.
- 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,394 I would take out my penis
- 00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:14,105 and place it in the box on the... right.
- 00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,524 {\an8}Again.
- 00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:17,984 I would put my penis--
- 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,736 Jerry, you don't have to say "penis" every time.
- 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,863 Just left or right.
- 00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,863 Hey, this was <i>your</i> idea!
- 00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,698 I didn't think it'd go on this long.
- 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:26,492 Okay, penis. Ugh! Left!
- 00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:28,077 Keep going.
- 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,829 Right.
- 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:32,540 Left. Right.
- 00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:33,916 Jerry, are you fucking peeking?
- 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,753 Tell me what's going on! You're scaring me!
- 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,005 [ Whirring, beep ]
- 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,798 Okay, I'm just as likely to shit a balloon
- 00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,050 as I am to become a dolphin.
- 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,509 Those are things that could happen?
- 00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,511 Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else.
- 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,013 [ Whirring, beep ]
- 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,640 Which is why it's weird that you're at all likely to...
- 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,392 To what? To what?!
- 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,895 Jerry, has your mother been leaving messages?
- 00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,731 Three texts. I'm afraid to read them.
- 00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,107 Read them.
- 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,109 She's asking if she can come visit.
- 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,694 Why would she want that?!
- 00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,279 Jerry, I'm gonna tell you something
- 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,531 I've never told anyone.
- 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,450 We need to go to Panda Express.
- 00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,285 If these guys wanted my respect,
- 00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:10,912 they could've just gotten a liquor license.
- 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,789 Now you think this has something to do with you?
- 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:15,416 Jerry, whoever's behind that fortune has, like, god powers.
- 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,210 Of course it has something to do with me.
- 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,463 What do you think I am in this story, the father-in-law?
- 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:22,590 [ Whirring, click ]
- 00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:27,053 You guys wanted my attention?
- 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,473 Okay, well, now I'm getting mixed signals.
- 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,266 [ Cellphone dings ]
- 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,266 Gah!
- 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,685 Stay here, Jerry. Time to kick ass.
- 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:35,978 Gonna need a soundtrack.
- 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,773 Ship, favorites playlist, track one.
- 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:42,235 [ "Taxi" theme song plays ]
- 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,570 Alright, fine. No wrong answers.
- 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:52,745 {\an8}♪
- 00:06:52,829 --> 00:07:00,753 {\an8}♪
- 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,255 Tell me where you get your cookies at,
- 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,756 and we can all walk out of here alive!
- 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,466 Fuck you, DEA piece of shit! DEA?
- 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:06,884 Cookies? Fortune cookies.
- 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,427 You're not here about our gang's city-wide meth ring?
- 00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:11,430 What? No. Break the laws. They shouldn't exist anyway.
- 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:14,267 [ Chuckles ] Wow. I am embarrassed.
- 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,893 [ Chuckles ] Aw, me too.
- 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,854 Sorry about, uh, these dead guys.
- 00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,397 Comes with the territory.
- 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,399 So w-where do you get your cookies?
- 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:22,984 Same distributor as everyone else.
- 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,777 That's their truck out back.
- 00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:24,777 Solid.
- 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:27,989 Okay, I'm gonna take the truck in exchange for not turning you in.
- 00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:34,120 {\an8}♪
- 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,706 Geez. How much money can there be in cookies
- 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,040 that you get for free?
- 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,959 And now we're being retina scanned?
- 00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,335 Oh, oh, oh! I know!
- 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,171 I've got a theory, Jerry. Oh, good.
- 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:46,257 This place is run by Cookie Monster.
- 00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:48,551 He's really protective about his cookies.
- 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,261 C'mon, man. You can't crack a smile?
- 00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:52,513 Oh, yeah-- you're worried about doing it with your mom.
- 00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:54,265 Okay. Fair enough.
- 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,143 Whoa!
- 00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:00,146 Rick: Fucking cameras everywhere.
- 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:03,149 That cup is a camera. [Burps] That tree is a camera.
- 00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,483 Can you disable them?
- 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,944 Stealth rule number one-- turning off 300 cameras
- 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,071 draws more attention than changing outfits.
- 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,908 Looks like we need to dress for success.
- 00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:16,037 Eye of Thundara, give me suits beyond suits!
- 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:19,165 Jerry, assistant clothing. MAKE-UP!
- 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:23,544 {\an8}♪
- 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,921 What the hell was that?
- 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,589 Reuseable "Sailor Moon" sequence.
- 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,591 If we ever need to show you becoming my assistant again,
- 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:30,509 we can repeat it and save lots of money.
- 00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:32,678 [ Imitates R2-D2 beeping ]
- 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:37,558 {\an8}♪
- 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,852 Why does an operation bigger than the government
- 00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:42,855 want me to... couple with my mother?
- 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,690 [ Indistinct conversations ]
- 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:50,863 {\an8}♪
- 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:56,953 {\an8}♪
- 00:08:56,953 --> 00:09:00,957 Whoa. Bezos? Bill Gates? Prime ministers?
- 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:03,125 Weirdly, Billy Zane is also here.
- 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:07,088 <i>Hello. You're about to meet me, Jennith Padrow-Chunt.</i>
- 00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:09,715 15 years ago, I was living in my parents' garage,
- 00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:13,219 eating ramen out of a toilet when I discovered something.
- 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,887 Fate isn't fiction.
- 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,890 Everything you want can be yours, if you ask for it.
- 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,684 <i>Just ask me.</i>
- 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,435 Hello, me.
- 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,435 <i>Hello, me.</i>
- 00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:22,770 Look at me's.
- 00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:24,897 Every suit I wear is virgin white.
- 00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,607 I sleep on a bed of loose grains
- 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:29,485 and begin every morning by dragging my perfect vagina
- 00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:31,237 across Chinese silver grass.
- 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,905 I'm firm and ripe.
- 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:33,990 [ Cellphone dings ]
- 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,408 My mother's plane just landed.
- 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,993 She took a photo at the airport
- 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,328 in front of that Wolfgang Puck that smells like a kindergarten.
- 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,707 Want to know the secret to how I changed my future? Yes.
- 00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,001 Well, once you're a level seven investor,
- 00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:46,752 you'll learn that and more.
- 00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,921 Yeah, we're not getting the answers we want here.
- 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,464 Let's go deeper.
- 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,258 [ Beep ]
- 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,011 {\an8}♪
- 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,430 And now, thanks to your generous contributions,
- 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,432 here are this year's cookies.
- 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,766 [ All crunch ]
- 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,477 "You will receive a 6.8% year-on-year increase."
- 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,645 Very nice.
- 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,397 "Your talents are appreciated..."
- 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,816 [gasps] "...when you become junior partner."
- 00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:11,777 Holy shit! I'm going to be on "Dancing with the Stars"!
- 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,447 Please, I can get the money. I swear! Gak!
- 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,074 I'm afraid it's too late for that.
- 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,660 [Gags and gulps] Oh, God, what does it say?
- 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,078 "Your penis will be mangled
- 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:24,248 by a frozen-yogurt machine at the U.N."?
- 00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:25,625 I know that machine!
- 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,126 This would sound impossible to a layman,
- 00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:28,836 but to me it rings inevitable!
- 00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:31,172 Holy shit. This is real.
- 00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,049 They're controlling fate for profit.
- 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,467 I'm glad you're happy;
- 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,302 Now can we blow up the building or something?
- 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,470 I don't think that's the best way
- 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,888 to take away their power, Jerry.
- 00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,681 Let's take it in a way that ends with us having it.
- 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,099 You mean <i>you</i> having it.
- 00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:44,101 I'll share it. Then you fuck my mom.
- 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,562 That's not how it works, and I already have.
- 00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:48,856 What?!
- 00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:48,856 Jesus, Jerry, come on.
- 00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:52,610 How unfortunate.
- 00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,820 Use the emergency fortunes!
- 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,114 Fighting fortunes. T-T-They're leveling up!
- 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,786 "You'll have great success in a fight."
- 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,205 I'll be damned.
- 00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,539 [ Grunting ]
- 00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:07,333 Ha! [ Grunting ]
- 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,918 Yah! [ Grunting ]
- 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,169 Fuck! This both sucks
- 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:11,587 <i>and</i> is really valuable data.
- 00:11:11,587 --> 00:11:12,797 Ha!
- 00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:14,507 Oh!
- 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,008 Aah!
- 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,468 Wha! Rick, what are you doing?!
- 00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,220 Using you as a human shield.
- 00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:19,220 You said it!
- 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,555 You said the thing I thought you were doing.
- 00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,184 We've got intruders. And one of them...
- 00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:28,020 has an unresolved fortune.
- 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,355 {\an8}[ <i>Beeping]</i>
- 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,689 We need that man's mother.
- 00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,566 Lot of mothers in the world, ma'am.
- 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,944 But only one of them is Mrs.--
- 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:37,405 ugh, God damn it-- Smith?
- 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:42,451 {\an8}♪
- 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,036 So are we going to ignore
- 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,288 that you tried to stop bullets using my body?
- 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,915 You have an unresolved fortune.
- 00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,000 Until you have sex with your mom, you're basically immortal.
- 00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,128 Do you have any idea how amazing that is?
- 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,671 You don't even care about me.
- 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:56,257 You just want fortune cookie power.
- 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,008 Okay, Jerry, how 'bout this?
- 00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,301 If it comes down to it,
- 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,011 I promise I'll put a bullet in her head.
- 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,680 No! Ah, you're right.
- 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,306 The fortune didn't say she'd be alive, did it?
- 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,058 I hate you! Hate productive things.
- 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,894 Hate crawling through a fucking air vent.
- 00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,272 Ah, those are those weird hex-headed screws.
- 00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,565 Do your screwdriver fingers--
- 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,567 Aah! Aah!
- 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,902 [ Ominous music playing ]
- 00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:20,072 {\an8}♪
- 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,408 [ Grunts ]
- 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:31,083 {\an8}♪
- 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,211 Well, at least we have no idea what's going on.
- 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:35,379 That's a LOCKER-ean.
- 00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,089 I-It's a species that eats chaos.
- 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,049 But it has its digestive disorder.
- 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,135 Its stomach is stripping randomness from spacetime
- 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,095 and leaving behind super-dense pockets of energy
- 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,514 that bend entropy towards definable outcomes.
- 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,057 I mean, th-that's how fate works.
- 00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,434 It's a field, like gravity,
- 00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,186 but instead of pulling small toward big,
- 00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:51,645 it pulls unknown toward known.
- 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,522 Ah, so we <i>do</i> know what's going on.
- 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,441 We know this-- everyone that's had a fortune cookie
- 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,776 in the last 20 years has eaten this thing's poop.
- 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,988 Fortune cookies are alien poop.
- 00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:02,573 These fortunes are so basic.
- 00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:04,617 Why wouldn't you use this power to change the world?
- 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,453 Or at least get Nintendo to make a portable VR headset?
- 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,955 Ooh, this place ain't for creatin' the future,
- 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:11,624 but controllin' it.
- 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,293 Hi, I'm Old. Old M. Hucksbee.
- 00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:16,295 The "M" stands for "Man."
- 00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:17,963 You're an arch little character.
- 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,632 You're the reason fortune cookies suck?
- 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,550 No, no, no, that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.
- 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,136 You have to glut the marketplace with pointless fortunes
- 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,971 to increase the value of real ones.
- 00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:28,098 Controlling destiny for a price--
- 00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:31,101 <i>that's</i> the Fortune 500's fortune.
- 00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:33,145 And you're trying to [burps] stop them?
- 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,522 Just tryin' to get out.
- 00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:36,982 I want to be free with this here alien gal
- 00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,359 so we can get married.
- 00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,069 Then we can have relations.
- 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:42,446 Can't do that before marriage, you know.
- 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,572 I'm a Catholic.
- 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,115 Uh, does the alien want that?
- 00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:47,785 It's not exactly what I'd call a sentient species.
- 00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:49,036 A man knows.
- 00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,579 What does this have to do with <i>me?</i>
- 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,665 You put <i>this</i> in my cookie.
- 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,501 Yep. Oh, I've been tryin' to get people's attention.
- 00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,295 I'd make fortunes saying, "You're a-gonna break your leg
- 00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:00,589 unless you investigate this cookie company,"
- 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,299 or, "Please come help me
- 00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,176 or a virus will shut down the world."
- 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,178 Finally I just made a bunch that said,
- 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,847 "You're gonna have sex with your own momma."
- 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,183 How many? It-- What happened to the others?
- 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,977 I 'spose they fucked their moms.
- 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:16,021 Now let's cut her chains and get the hell outta here.
- 00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:17,856 [ Thud ]
- 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,817 Well, shit on a spaghetti.
- 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,402 Hello, Jerry Smith.
- 00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:24,363 Glad you could join us on Bring Your Mother to Work day.
- 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,115 Mom! Hi, Jerry.
- 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:29,034 Your friends picked me up in a limousine.
- 00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:30,536 They said you won something,
- 00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:32,121 and <i>I</i> should be the one to give it to you.
- 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,248 You sick fucks.
- 00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:34,248 Are you guys enjoying this?
- 00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:37,251 I used to think I was just a regular white woman.
- 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:40,004 Then I discovered I could control my destiny.
- 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,380 All white women think that.
- 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:43,549 The truth is, this alien crashed in your yard
- 00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,842 and you ate its shit.
- 00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:46,677 How dare you! What's your name?
- 00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,012 How dare <i>you?!</i>
- 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,471 We should've blown up the building.
- 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,140 Doesn't matter. All I was gonna say is,
- 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:54,059 "Guess what, insert name? Time for <i>you</i> to eat shit."
- 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,227 But first... [ Grunts ]
- 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,520 Aah!
- 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:58,731 Oh, no! I'm so wet!
- 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,025 Ah! No!
- 00:14:58,814 --> 00:15:01,025 Jerry! Come back and block bullets.
- 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:04,236 Authorizing the use of prototype fortunes.
- 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,779 [ All crunch ]
- 00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:07,948 [ Gunfire ]
- 00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:12,286 Fuck! You can't hide!
- 00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:14,246 My fortune said, "Headshots only."
- 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:16,081 [ Morty grunting ]
- 00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:18,083 Harry! Greg! Lashawn! Dave C.! Dave M.!
- 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,418 Noooo!
- 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,587 You piece of shit, you killed my friends.
- 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,088 Oh!
- 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,341 Alright, what does the future hold?
- 00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:29,762 Aah!
- 00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:33,265 {\an8}Maybe I can Pokémon this shit.
- 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,100 Blast him, or we're both gonna die.
- 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,685 Oh, God! Oh, God!
- 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,145 Aaah! Whoa!
- 00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:39,396 You <i>control</i> control water.
- 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,939 Like, the water inside a guy.
- 00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,858 That's a gross power.
- 00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:44,234 [ Gunfire ]
- 00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,448 I'm gonna let you live because your fortune sucks.
- 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,909 {\an8}You can't kill me! I can't be killed!
- 00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:54,286 Trust me, that's not as good as it sounds.
- 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,746 Aaaaaaah!
- 00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,289 Ah! Ah! Aah!
- 00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,416 Oh, it hurts! It burns!
- 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,335 Fuck! Oh, my God! My ribs!
- 00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:04,421 I can feel my shattered ribs!
- 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,715 [ Gunfire ]
- 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:11,428 {\an8}♪
- 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,721 Shit, these are useless.
- 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,139 Where are the fighting fortunes?
- 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,641 Ah, no-no-no-no-no!
- 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,393 Those are blanks!
- 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,771 Without fortunes, the effects are completely unpredictable!
- 00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:22,898 Alright.
- 00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:25,526 {\an8}♪
- 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:26,735 [ Gulps ]
- 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:32,408 {\an8}♪
- 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,993 <i>I am the son of God!</i>
- 00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:38,831 Ah!
- 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:39,915 Jerry's mom: Jerry!
- 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,792 [ Sobbing ]
- 00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:41,792 Help me, Jerry!
- 00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:44,962 Mom! Stay away! Just stay away!
- 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,172 Come <i>on</i> and fuck already!
- 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:49,341 Ma'am, is it possible we're being given a chance
- 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,511 to take a step back and examine our behavior?
- 00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,054 [ Baby crying ]
- 00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:55,889 You can't kill me, old man.
- 00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:58,851 I also have an unresolved fortune.
- 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,520 {\an8}"The most successful businesswoman on Earth?"
- 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,606 You could do anything you wanted and you chose... work?
- 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,860 [ Chuckles ] Every day I get closer to an unattainable goal.
- 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:11,280 A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever!
- 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,823 Well, I just used a dark web account
- 00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:14,867 to hack Goldman Sachs, remove trillions of dollars,
- 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,869 and purchase everything your company offers.
- 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,537 Congratulations! You're officially
- 00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:20,664 the most successful businesswoman on Earth.
- 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:21,832 Fortune fulfilled.
- 00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,292 And now I'm emptying your bank accounts
- 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:24,752 and giving the money back to Goldman Sachs,
- 00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:27,921 because I sit dead-center on the alignment chart.
- 00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,965 You son of a bitch!
- 00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:31,842 How does it feel to achieve your dreams?
- 00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:33,010 Empty, right?
- 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,470 Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar.
- 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,221 You could see it in his face.
- 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:40,058 [ Echoing] I still have one more dream--
- 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:45,397 watching you die, Rick Sanchez!
- 00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,066 Ha! You knew my name!
- 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:52,654 {\an8}♪
- 00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:55,032 [ Roars ]
- 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,159 [ Screams ]
- 00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,619 She's free! Run!
- 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:01,163 Run, my beauty!
- 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,376 [ Roars ]
- 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,420 Well, butterfly on a corncob.
- 00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:11,423 I see that I've romanticized a wild animal
- 00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,884 the same way Margaret Howe did when she jerked off
- 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:16,261 that dolphin in the 19-and-60s.
- 00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:19,389 Both she and I assaulted a captive creature
- 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,934 and expected it to be reciprocal.
- 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,852 [ Thud ]
- 00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:23,852 Welp, joopityboot.
- 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,229 Time to die.
- 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,105 [ Roars ]
- 00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:29,274 Ah!
- 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,694 Follow me, my queen!
- 00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:37,908 That's all the bad guys down. We almost got this, Jer.
- 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:40,702 Ah!
- 00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:43,747 {\an8}♪
- 00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,249 No!
- 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:47,334 Oh, sticks-to-walls guy,
- 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:50,295 I-I-I guess we were both wrong.
- 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,839 Oh, God.
- 00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,674 [ Rumbling ]
- 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:56,009 [ Roars ]
- 00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:57,135 Oh! Ah!
- 00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,096 Ah! Oh! [ Screams ]
- 00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:01,515 Aaaah! Rick! Please!
- 00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:03,058 Jerry, I've got the creature.
- 00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:05,227 I knew it. I knew it.
- 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,896 God damn it!
- 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,066 Aaaaaaaah!
- 00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:13,819 Oh, God!
- 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,029 Aaaaah!
- 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,990 God damn it.
- 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,077 [ Screams ]
- 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,206 Ah. Holy shit, that was close.
- 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:27,291 Close to what?
- 00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,001 Close to everyone but your son
- 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,794 getting anything they want forever.
- 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,087 You saved me.
- 00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:34,173 I will never stop holding this over you,
- 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,841 as if <i>that</i> buys me anything.
- 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,676 We should get you some clothes, son.
- 00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:38,719 Oh, oh!
- 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,263 [ Exciting music plays ]
- 00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:42,973 {\an8}♪
- 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,892 I can just feel the savings.
- 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,020 Hey, wait, uh...
- 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,522 Got this at the crazy place we just were.
- 00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:53,358 It may look like someone stuck a hand-written fortune
- 00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:55,027 in there last second, but I'm pretty sure
- 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,737 that's just the way it came.
- 00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,864 Besides, these don't mean anything.
- 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,282 [ Crunches ]
- 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,242 Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment,
- 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,037 this is a <i>huge</i> waste of the last real fortune.
- 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,039 Oh. I'm sorry. I just--
- 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,415 It's cool, it's cool.
- 00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,250 Thanks, friend. Friend?!
- 00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:11,710 Did you just say <i>friend?</i> What?
- 00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,211 W-W-What did I do?
- 00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,211 You fucking idiot!
- 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:14,671 I'm not your friend!
- 00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:15,839 Why did you think I was your friend?
- 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,174 Look at this you piece of shit.
- 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:19,176 Yeah, yeah, yeah, so?
- 00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,176 I was immortal!
- 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:20,719 I was immortal for that whole fight.
- 00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,763 All I had to do was never make a new friend.
- 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:24,306 Jesus fucking Christ, Jerry.
- 00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:25,515 I'm sorry! We're not friends!
- 00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,808 Yeah, too late, bonehead.
- 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,518 It doesn't say "new permanent friend."
- 00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:31,521 All friendships end, especially new ones.
- 00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:35,484 Well, maybe that's a fate the two of us still control.
- 00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:40,697 [ Crying ]
- 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,699 I'm-- I'm sorry I did that.
- 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,409 It's fine.
- 00:20:45,827 --> 00:21:05,263 {\an8}♪
- 00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:24,574 {\an8}♪
- 00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:27,577 Man: The zoo. Animals. Balloons. Moats. Cages.
- 00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,037 A fun time for the whole family.
- 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,248 But you don't care about that. You're a zebra.
- 00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:33,542 You're here for the unparalleled dining experience
- 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,752 of hand-fed zebra food. Delicious.
- 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,379 He-- Hey, wait. Don't eat--
- 00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,673 Th-- That's for the zebras. It's making you sick!
- 00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:41,049 What are you doing?
- 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,467 Jesus, why have they left all the zebra-feeding
- 00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:43,802 to the people who come to the zoo?
- 00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,429 Is that the only way the zebras can get food?
- 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,389 They're so hungry. What the fuck is happening?
- 00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:48,807 We're out of zebra food. Okay?
- 00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:50,726 There's no food left. Don't come to the zoo.
- 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:52,811 This was supposed to be a commercial <i>for</i> zebras,
- 00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:54,438 targeted <i>to</i> zebras.
- 00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:55,856 <i>The premise itself was questionable, but this--</i>
- 00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:57,315 <i>this is a nightmare!</i>
- 00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:58,942 <i>Don't go to the zoo. Stay away from the zoo.</i>
- 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:00,402 <i>Oh, God, what are you doing in the booth?</i>
- 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,070 <i>Get out! Get out, you're mad with--</i>
- 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:03,530 [ <i>Gunshot]</i>
- 00:22:03,530 --> 00:22:07,159 Man #2: <i>Ow. Eat it. Eat zebra food.</i>
- 00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:09,661 Okay, um. I guess I can't blame Dad for being confused
- 00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:11,204 about what to do with the zebra food.
- 00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:13,415 Also, I have no idea why they're running this ad,
- 00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:14,833 like, on a loop?
- 00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:16,668 There were murders in it, and it was specifically
- 00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:18,587 telling you to do the thing it didn't want you to do
- 00:22:18,587 --> 00:22:20,338 until the very end, when it reversed.
- 00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,549 Why would they sell the zebra food <i>in</i> the gift shop,
- 00:22:22,549 --> 00:22:25,177 unless-- I mean, do the zebras shop in here?
- 00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:26,762 Are <i>we</i> the ones in the zoo?
- 00:22:26,762 --> 00:22:28,013 Oh, is that the twist?
- 00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:29,973 Okay, we're-- it's a human zoo. Got it.
- 00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:33,018 Did you get any of that?
- 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:37,481 {\an8}♪
- 00:00:06,024 --> 00:00:08,794 КИТАЙСКИЙ РЕСТОРАН «ПАНДА ЭКСПРЕСС»
- 00:02:27,044 --> 00:02:31,924 ПОДПИСАТЬСЯ
- 00:03:08,704 --> 00:03:10,194 МАМА
- 00:06:20,904 --> 00:06:22,154 ЗАКРЫТО
- 00:06:25,024 --> 00:06:25,944 ДЛЯ ПЕРСОНАЛА
- 00:06:31,964 --> 00:06:32,844 ОТ МАМЫ: ВОЗЬМИ...
- 00:06:32,844 --> 00:06:33,954 ...ТРУБКУ
- 00:08:37,454 --> 00:08:38,744 ОСТОРОЖНО НА ДОРОГЕ
- 00:13:03,754 --> 00:13:08,014 «Я ВСЕМ НРАВЛЮСЬ» «УЛЫБНИСЬ, СЕГОДНЯ ПРЕКРАСНЫЙ ДЕНЬ»
- 00:15:25,924 --> 00:15:27,194 КОНТРОЛЬ НАД ОГНЁМ
- 00:15:30,694 --> 00:15:32,214 КОНТРОЛЬ НАД ВОДОЙ
- 00:15:44,294 --> 00:15:45,594 ХОДЬБА ПО СТЕНАМ
- 00:15:50,594 --> 00:15:51,884 НЕУБИВАЕМЫЙ
- 00:19:10,664 --> 00:19:11,994 «ДЖЕРРИ НЕ ТРАХНЕТ МАТЬ»
- 00:20:00,424 --> 00:20:01,804 СПАСИБО
- 00:20:16,554 --> 00:20:18,484 «ВАС ЖДЁТ НОВЫЙ ДРУГ»
- 00:22:33,284 --> 00:22:34,784 ПАМЯТИ МАЙКА МЕНДЕЛЯ
- 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,770 ВХІДНИЙ ВИКЛИК: МАМА
- 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,590 ЗАЧИНЕНО
- 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,050 ЛИШЕ ДЛЯ ПРАЦІВНИКІВ
- 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,990 МАМА: ТИ МЕНІ ПОТРІБЕН. ВІЗЬМИ СЛУХАВКУ.
- 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:32,500 ВХІД ЛИШЕ ДЛЯ АВТОРИЗОВАНОГО ПЕРСОНАЛУ
- 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:07,950 «Я ГАРНО ПРОВЕДУ ЧАС», «Я ПОДОБАЮСЬ ЛЮДЯМ», «ПОСМІХНИСЬ, СЬОГОДНІ ГАРНИЙ ДЕНЬ»
- 00:15:26,130 --> 00:15:27,130 ТИ КЕРУВАТИМЕШ ВОГНЕМ
- 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,720 ТИ КЕРУВАТИМЕШ ВОДОЮ
- 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,400 ТИ ПРИЛИПАТИМЕШ ДО СТІН
- 00:15:50,660 --> 00:15:52,870 ТЕБЕ НЕМОЖЛИВО УБИТИ У ТЕБЕ НЕСКІНЧЕННИЙ ЗАПАС ПАТРОНІВ
- 00:16:11,010 --> 00:16:12,980 ТОБІ ПОДЗВОНИТЬ ТВІЙ КРАШ ТИ ЗАВЕДЕШ НОВОГО ДРУГА
- 00:16:58,970 --> 00:17:01,200 ТИ СТАНЕШ НАЙУСПІШНІШОЮ БІЗНЕСМЕНКОЮ НА ЗЕМЛІ
- 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,220 ДЖЕРРІ НЕ ШПЕКНЕ МАМЦЮ
- 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,110 ДЯКУЮ :)
- 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,420 ТИ ЗАВЕДЕШ НОВОГО ДРУГА
- 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,000 СУВЕНІРНИЙ МАГАЗИН