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Рик неосознанно использует сперму Морти для создания гигантских монстров из спермы. Президент работает с семьёй Смитов, чтобы уничтожить монстров спермы и определить их местонахождение в Гранд-Каньоне. Рик и Морти разрушают операционную базу королевы спермы и следуют за оставшимися монстрами-сперматозоидами в Лас-Вегас, где правительство поместило гигантскую яйцеклетку Саммер, не подозревая, что сперма принадлежит Морти, чтобы привлечь сперму. Как только Морти рассказывает, что сперма принадлежит ему, американские военные, артисты Вегаса и коннибалы уничтожают большинство из них, но один добирается до яйцеклетки и оплодотворяет её, прежде чем она отправится в космос. В сцене после титров гигантский инцест-младенец Морти и Саммер парит в космосе и принимает странствующего астронавта за игрушку.
- 00:00:06,898 --> 00:00:08,733 Mom! We're gonna miss the movie!
- 00:00:08,768 --> 00:00:11,241 No, we're not. Okay, but we've been here for hours.
- 00:00:11,276 --> 00:00:13,375 I-I don't want to hang out at the stupid horse hospital.
- 00:00:13,410 --> 00:00:16,004 This stupid horse hospital puts dinner on your table.
- 00:00:16,039 --> 00:00:18,182 It wouldn't kill you to take an interest.
- 00:00:20,384 --> 00:00:22,252 W-What's this thing? I-In the middle of the room?
- 00:00:22,287 --> 00:00:23,847 With -- With the hole in the end?
- 00:00:23,882 --> 00:00:26,190 That's a breeding mount. The nurses use it to collect...
- 00:00:26,225 --> 00:00:28,192 reproductive material.
- 00:00:29,525 --> 00:00:31,690 [ Click, whirring ]
- 00:00:31,725 --> 00:00:33,362 [ Squishing ]
- 00:00:39,238 --> 00:00:40,699 [ Click, whirring stops ]
- 00:00:40,734 --> 00:00:42,569 Okay, let's go see this latest piece of Marvel shit
- 00:00:42,604 --> 00:00:43,867 you kids are jizzing over.
- 00:00:43,902 --> 00:00:45,737 Yeah. A-About time.
- 00:00:45,772 --> 00:00:48,245 So, d-does your hospital ever need, like,
- 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:49,873 after-school volunteers?
- 00:00:49,908 --> 00:00:51,941 Wow. Who are you and where did you put my son?
- 00:00:51,976 --> 00:00:53,415 Ha! No, no. Seriously.
- 00:00:53,450 --> 00:00:55,747 I-I'm very interested in -- in your work.
- 00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:59,586 [ Birds chirping ]
- 00:00:59,621 --> 00:01:01,192 [ Sighs ]
- 00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:02,952 Morty, you dirty little doggy.
- 00:01:02,987 --> 00:01:04,360 [ Liquid sloshing ]
- 00:01:04,395 --> 00:01:06,626 Ugh! Come on! [ Grunting ]
- 00:01:06,661 --> 00:01:08,859 [ Liquid sloshing ]
- 00:01:08,894 --> 00:01:10,432 Hey, Rick.
- 00:01:10,467 --> 00:01:12,137 Oh, hey, kiddo. How's your Saturday?
- 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:14,029 You know, super chill. W-W-Whatcha doin'?
- 00:01:14,064 --> 00:01:15,536 Eh, nothing adventurous.
- 00:01:15,571 --> 00:01:17,406 You know that race of Underground Dwelling Cannibal
- 00:01:17,441 --> 00:01:18,902 Horse People that we're always fighting?
- 00:01:18,937 --> 00:01:20,607 Yeah, the CHUDs. W-W-What about 'em?
- 00:01:20,642 --> 00:01:22,477 Well, don't tell anybody, but I'm working on
- 00:01:22,512 --> 00:01:24,149 a bioweapon to use against them,
- 00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:26,613 so I got this barrel of horse semen from your mom's hospital
- 00:01:26,648 --> 00:01:28,120 and I'm just gonna, you know,
- 00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:29,946 subject it to some otherworldly forces.
- 00:01:29,981 --> 00:01:31,882 Guess I should test it, make sure it's --
- 00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:33,719 Make sure it's what?! Horse semen, obviously.
- 00:01:33,754 --> 00:01:35,457 Okay, but it says it is right on the barrel!
- 00:01:35,492 --> 00:01:37,129 You're not being very scientific, Morty.
- 00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:39,164 Measure twice, cut once. Especially with semen.
- 00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:41,133 Did you even ask Mom if you could have this?!
- 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:43,630 Morty, if I wanted to steal horse semen, I'd --
- 00:01:43,665 --> 00:01:46,061 Yes, I asked her. What is at stake for you here?
- 00:01:46,096 --> 00:01:48,965 Why don't you trust labels?! All right! Fine! I won't test it!
- 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,770 God damn. Your generation really picks random hills to die on.
- 00:01:51,805 --> 00:01:53,574 Don't get too close.
- 00:01:53,609 --> 00:01:55,180 I'm running an inhuman amount of power through this semen.
- 00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:57,105 Should be safe, though, since the semen itself is,
- 00:01:57,140 --> 00:01:59,844 you know, also inhuman. Here we go.
- 00:01:59,879 --> 00:02:01,109 [ Crackling ]
- 00:02:01,144 --> 00:02:02,748 [ High-pitched whine ]
- 00:02:02,783 --> 00:02:05,619 [ Rumbling ]
- 00:02:05,654 --> 00:02:07,621 [ Creature growling ]
- 00:02:07,656 --> 00:02:09,326 [ Screaming ]
- 00:02:09,361 --> 00:02:11,493 [ Snarling ]
- 00:02:11,528 --> 00:02:13,957 [ Glass shattering ]
- 00:02:13,992 --> 00:02:15,332 W-What happened?!
- 00:02:15,367 --> 00:02:16,828 The sperm, Morty!
- 00:02:16,863 --> 00:02:18,797 They're super monster sperm now! I blame myself.
- 00:02:18,832 --> 00:02:21,096 Unless there was something about the sperm I didn't know.
- 00:02:21,131 --> 00:02:22,999 Are you -- Are you saying that to mess with me?
- 00:02:23,034 --> 00:02:24,341 What? Mess with you how?
- 00:02:24,376 --> 00:02:25,936 Like, trying to get me to say something?
- 00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,806 Morty, I have no idea what you're talking about!
- 00:02:27,841 --> 00:02:29,181 For real? Yes!
- 00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:32,217 Okay. Good. Then -- Then it's your fault!
- 00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:40,192 ♪♪
- 00:02:40,227 --> 00:02:48,123 ♪♪
- 00:02:48,158 --> 00:02:56,065 ♪♪
- 00:02:56,100 --> 00:03:04,216 ♪♪
- 00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:05,745 Beth: Dad, what the hell is going on?!
- 00:03:05,780 --> 00:03:07,384 Beth, sweetheart, Can you give me a minute?
- 00:03:07,419 --> 00:03:09,584 I'm trying to steer around the bodies of our neighbors.
- 00:03:09,619 --> 00:03:10,915 [ Thump ] Oh, that felt like Gene.
- 00:03:10,950 --> 00:03:12,488 That's on you, Beth. Dad, I swear--
- 00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:14,050 Mom, it's -- it's not Rick's fault, it's --
- 00:03:14,085 --> 00:03:15,854 Space Sperm. What?!
- 00:03:15,889 --> 00:03:17,361 Yeah. Space Sperm.
- 00:03:17,396 --> 00:03:19,396 I-I've seen em' before, but n-n-never like this.
- 00:03:19,431 --> 00:03:20,694 <i>Space</i> Sperm?!
- 00:03:20,729 --> 00:03:22,190 Sperm from Space?
- 00:03:22,225 --> 00:03:24,060 Very impressive verbal forensic work, Jerry.
- 00:03:24,095 --> 00:03:26,194 Holy shit. How big are space dicks?
- 00:03:26,229 --> 00:03:28,900 Don't answer that! Damn, they must be huge.
- 00:03:28,935 --> 00:03:30,935 [ Tires screeching ]
- 00:03:30,970 --> 00:03:32,574 Oh!
- 00:03:32,609 --> 00:03:35,775 [ Laser pistol zapping ]
- 00:03:35,810 --> 00:03:37,249 Oh, shit, oh, shit, shit.
- 00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:39,746 [ Roaring ]
- 00:03:39,781 --> 00:03:43,046 [ Snarling ] [ Pistol clicks ]
- 00:03:43,081 --> 00:03:44,586 Mr. Sanchez!
- 00:03:44,621 --> 00:03:47,490 The President is very eager to speak with you!
- 00:03:50,154 --> 00:03:51,890 Morty, look, you gotta do me a solid here.
- 00:03:51,925 --> 00:03:53,793 Y-you want me to keep the secret of where these things came from?
- 00:03:53,828 --> 00:03:55,960 Yes, technically, it's a lie, but I messed up,
- 00:03:55,995 --> 00:03:58,402 and I'm embarrassed 'cause it's, you know, science.
- 00:03:58,437 --> 00:04:00,635 No problem. I got your back, dawg.
- 00:04:00,670 --> 00:04:02,769 Really? Okay. Cool. And thanks, Morty.
- 00:04:02,804 --> 00:04:04,199 I thought that'd be a harder sell.
- 00:04:04,234 --> 00:04:05,739 Y-You did a shameful thing.
- 00:04:05,774 --> 00:04:07,708 Dwelling on it isn't gonna help, you know, am I right?
- 00:04:07,743 --> 00:04:09,644 Sometimes you just gotta wipe it off,
- 00:04:09,679 --> 00:04:12,284 toss it in the trash, and head back to study hall.
- 00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:14,616 Uh, not getting the metaphor but I'll take your hall pass.
- 00:04:14,651 --> 00:04:16,882 Sanchez! Get the hell in here!
- 00:04:16,917 --> 00:04:18,620 Space Sperm?
- 00:04:18,655 --> 00:04:21,216 Jesus, how big are space dicks? Same page club.
- 00:04:21,251 --> 00:04:23,559 Well, Mr. President, the theory of Cosmic DNA
- 00:04:23,594 --> 00:04:25,891 has been around for decades -- Chupacabras, Yeti,
- 00:04:25,926 --> 00:04:27,794 Stonehenge, Ancient Rome.
- 00:04:27,829 --> 00:04:30,159 Are these all myths, monsters, legends,
- 00:04:30,194 --> 00:04:32,733 or different names for sperm from outer space?
- 00:04:32,768 --> 00:04:34,130 I'll tell you what I think, Sanchez.
- 00:04:34,165 --> 00:04:35,835 I think either <i>you</i> caused this mess,
- 00:04:35,870 --> 00:04:38,134 or it's those godforsaken Horse People that dwell underground.
- 00:04:38,169 --> 00:04:39,608 CHUDs. CHUDs. That's them.
- 00:04:39,643 --> 00:04:42,072 Ugh, if they're behind this, so help me, God.
- 00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:44,140 Morty, you've always been a straight shooter.
- 00:04:44,175 --> 00:04:45,845 You can't prove that! Wait, what?
- 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,748 Oh -- oh. Right. I can protect you, little man.
- 00:04:47,783 --> 00:04:49,244 Blow that whistle. Toot, toot.
- 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:50,586 Is this your grandpa's fault?
- 00:04:50,621 --> 00:04:51,851 Here's what I know, sir.
- 00:04:51,886 --> 00:04:53,589 This is the greatest country on Earth.
- 00:04:53,624 --> 00:04:55,426 It invented apple pies and lasers.
- 00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:57,362 Mm. Keep talking. And that sperm...
- 00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:58,693 We don't know nothin' about it.
- 00:04:58,728 --> 00:05:00,794 Then the CHUDs just got themselves a war.
- 00:05:00,829 --> 00:05:03,434 And you just dodged a personal drone strike.
- 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:05,161 Hello! Hello. Sorry, I'm late.
- 00:05:05,196 --> 00:05:07,636 This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm.
- 00:05:07,671 --> 00:05:09,935 Thanks for getting here so fast. My schedule was wide open.
- 00:05:09,970 --> 00:05:12,773 I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival,
- 00:05:12,808 --> 00:05:14,775 a-and if my calculations are correct,
- 00:05:14,810 --> 00:05:16,271 they have gathered here.
- 00:05:16,306 --> 00:05:19,384 Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon?
- 00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:22,816 Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious?
- 00:05:22,851 --> 00:05:25,280 Oh, you can't be serious. Are we in middle school?
- 00:05:25,315 --> 00:05:26,820 You think sperm are instinctively
- 00:05:26,855 --> 00:05:28,657 heading for America's -- Don't high-road us, lady.
- 00:05:28,692 --> 00:05:29,955 It's where they went.
- 00:05:29,990 --> 00:05:31,495 Now, how do we deal with these...
- 00:05:31,530 --> 00:05:33,992 "Orgasogoblins"? No takers?
- 00:05:34,027 --> 00:05:36,401 Okay. These... "Cumplestiltskins?"
- 00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:38,832 No? Dumb? These, uh, "Skeet Boogins?"
- 00:05:38,867 --> 00:05:40,130 Oh, yeah, yeah, Skeet Boogins.
- 00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,703 Really? Skeet Boogins?
- 00:05:41,738 --> 00:05:43,474 We'll use it as a placeholder and beat it later.
- 00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:44,970 Mr. President, i-if I may?
- 00:05:45,005 --> 00:05:47,203 Luckily, I was able to secure a specimen.
- 00:05:47,238 --> 00:05:49,843 Now, obviously our first steps will be to analyze its DNA
- 00:05:49,878 --> 00:05:52,208 and figure out what these beautiful creat--
- 00:05:52,243 --> 00:05:55,486 Oh, why?! It-it had a gun!
- 00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:58,148 Are you out of your mind bringing an armed sperm in here?
- 00:05:58,183 --> 00:05:59,391 But they can't<i> hold</i> guns!
- 00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:01,052 The boy literally never lies!
- 00:06:01,087 --> 00:06:02,526 Look, if you want these things gone,
- 00:06:02,561 --> 00:06:04,528 give Rick and me a plane and some nukes.
- 00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:06,354 We'll wipe 'em out and leave no trace of them.
- 00:06:06,389 --> 00:06:07,597 Only one way to deal with it.
- 00:06:07,632 --> 00:06:08,862 He's right. [Burps] I'm a scientist.
- 00:06:08,897 --> 00:06:10,160 Fair enough. Blow 'em to hell.
- 00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:11,403 What are people gonna do,
- 00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,196 complain we made the canyon grander?
- 00:06:13,231 --> 00:06:15,869 Jerry, we're being bad parents. Do something!
- 00:06:15,904 --> 00:06:18,036 I-is this water for everyone?
- 00:06:18,071 --> 00:06:21,545 Yes, and I'd love a glass. Comin' up!
- 00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:23,041 What are<i> you</i> doing?
- 00:06:23,076 --> 00:06:25,109 And, Rick, to make sure you don't screw anything up,
- 00:06:25,144 --> 00:06:26,682 I'm sending my best men with you.
- 00:06:26,717 --> 00:06:28,519 And women. It's a fine suggestion,
- 00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:30,455 but I doubt their leader will be a sexy queen
- 00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:31,852 that needs to be kickboxed.
- 00:06:31,887 --> 00:06:33,953 100% male Marines!
- 00:06:35,286 --> 00:06:37,352 They say cutting a sperm's throat is like
- 00:06:37,387 --> 00:06:39,222 running a warm knife through butter.
- 00:06:39,257 --> 00:06:41,928 I'm gonna make these things pregnant...with death!
- 00:06:41,963 --> 00:06:43,600 No fear! No humility!
- 00:06:43,635 --> 00:06:46,130 Both: Zero chance of consequences!
- 00:06:46,165 --> 00:06:48,132 Hey, gentlemen's bet -- which of these background Marines
- 00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:49,540 you think will last the longest?
- 00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,267 I'm not betting on human lives, Rick.
- 00:06:51,302 --> 00:06:52,807 All of these people are gonna survive,
- 00:06:52,842 --> 00:06:54,710 but obviously that guy the longest.
- 00:06:54,745 --> 00:06:56,547 Yeah, he's my pick, too. What's his name?
- 00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:59,209 Blazen? Pretty cool.
- 00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,486 Yeah. He's, like, meditating through turbulence.
- 00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:03,048 Psh. I bet if something fell,
- 00:07:03,083 --> 00:07:04,654 he'd like, catch it without opening his eyes.
- 00:07:04,689 --> 00:07:05,985 Totally. Should we throw something at him?
- 00:07:06,020 --> 00:07:07,250 I-I got a pencil somewhere.
- 00:07:07,285 --> 00:07:08,823 [ Both scream ]
- 00:07:08,858 --> 00:07:10,286 [ Marines screaming ]
- 00:07:10,321 --> 00:07:12,728 Who-who's shooting at us?!
- 00:07:12,763 --> 00:07:15,324 Oh, wow, that's unexpected.
- 00:07:15,359 --> 00:07:16,765 The sperm made a catapult?!
- 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,393 A-A-Are they getting smarter?!
- 00:07:18,428 --> 00:07:20,571 No, you're getting dumber because that's a trebuchet.
- 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:21,902 Nobody knows the difference!
- 00:07:21,937 --> 00:07:23,805 They're reloading that textbook trebuchet!
- 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,644 Time to fly! Aaaaaah!
- 00:07:27,679 --> 00:07:29,074 Oh!
- 00:07:29,109 --> 00:07:35,982 ♪♪
- 00:07:36,017 --> 00:07:37,280 We gotta keep moving.
- 00:07:37,315 --> 00:07:38,919 So cool. Not even a scratch.
- 00:07:38,954 --> 00:07:40,657 Okay, girls, and I mean that derogatorily.
- 00:07:40,692 --> 00:07:44,760 We just took a fat "L," and what we need is a fat "P."
- 00:07:44,795 --> 00:07:46,256 A plan.
- 00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:48,533 I take the lead here. You two watch the flanks.
- 00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:50,634 Blazen, bring up the-- Hey!
- 00:07:50,669 --> 00:07:53,098 Please, one person draws the plan!
- 00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:54,330 Skeeters!
- 00:07:54,365 --> 00:07:55,936 -Jipers! -Ropers!
- 00:07:55,971 --> 00:07:57,806 I'm sorry, but what the hell are we calling them?
- 00:07:57,841 --> 00:07:59,335 Agh! Oof.
- 00:07:59,370 --> 00:08:01,810 Fine. I'm dying, so I get to pick the name.
- 00:08:01,845 --> 00:08:03,977 Crispy Cremes with a "C"!
- 00:08:04,012 --> 00:08:06,881 Whoa! [ Grunting ]
- 00:08:07,983 --> 00:08:09,884 [ Snarling ]
- 00:08:09,919 --> 00:08:12,447 Whoa. E-Easy there, little guy. It's okay.
- 00:08:12,482 --> 00:08:14,592 I-I-It's okay.
- 00:08:16,024 --> 00:08:17,859 Do you...recognize me?
- 00:08:17,894 --> 00:08:19,861 Do you know you came from me?
- 00:08:19,896 --> 00:08:21,126 I'm Morty.
- 00:08:21,161 --> 00:08:22,534 I'll call ya "Sticky,"
- 00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:24,866 'c-'cause you're sticky and -- and you're stuck.
- 00:08:27,530 --> 00:08:29,398 Oh. [ Chuckles ] [ Purring ]
- 00:08:29,433 --> 00:08:30,740 Step aside, Morty.
- 00:08:30,775 --> 00:08:32,841 It's okay. Y-You don't gotta do this.
- 00:08:32,876 --> 00:08:34,502 It's haploid genetic code, Morty,
- 00:08:34,537 --> 00:08:36,306 a biological fertilizing machine.
- 00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:37,582 W-What's gotten into you?
- 00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,342 Rick, let him go.
- 00:08:39,377 --> 00:08:41,410 Ugh.
- 00:08:41,445 --> 00:08:42,719 Morty, don't fuck with me.
- 00:08:42,754 --> 00:08:44,083 What the hell's going on with you?
- 00:08:44,118 --> 00:08:47,658 I think I know exactly what's going on here.
- 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,825 Kidding. This shit is totally random.
- 00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:51,926 Let's keep moving. W-Which way?
- 00:08:51,961 --> 00:08:53,356 [ Inhales deeply ]
- 00:08:53,391 --> 00:08:57,030 When one sense is bound, the others are released.
- 00:08:57,065 --> 00:08:58,361 [ Sniffing ]
- 00:08:58,396 --> 00:09:00,671 Holy shit. He -- He can smell caves?
- 00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:02,101 I'm not trying to smell anything.
- 00:09:02,136 --> 00:09:05,335 The whole planet's a dorm room trash can.
- 00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:06,908 Sir, Rick Sanchez has gone dark.
- 00:09:06,943 --> 00:09:08,338 I knew we couldn't rely on him!
- 00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:10,010 Well, maybe the pilot got too horny
- 00:09:10,045 --> 00:09:11,506 as they approached America's Vagina.
- 00:09:11,541 --> 00:09:12,848 If you're gonna hang out in my war room,
- 00:09:12,883 --> 00:09:14,509 you can't just make snarky comments.
- 00:09:14,544 --> 00:09:16,280 At least do something useful, like Jerry.
- 00:09:16,315 --> 00:09:19,118 Right to the top, just the way you like it.
- 00:09:19,153 --> 00:09:20,515 Here's our situation.
- 00:09:20,550 --> 00:09:22,451 Rick's gone, and so are all our nukes.
- 00:09:22,486 --> 00:09:23,925 Now what?
- 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,630 None of you have an idea? I do.
- 00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:27,390 That's right, me -- the girl.
- 00:09:27,425 --> 00:09:29,359 Gentlemen, what do sperm want?
- 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,229 The same thing as a lumberjack in the morning
- 00:09:31,264 --> 00:09:32,461 or a fox at night.
- 00:09:32,496 --> 00:09:33,737 Pants! Eggs.
- 00:09:33,772 --> 00:09:35,365 Pancakes! Eggs.
- 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,202 You want to control giant sperm, you need a giant egg.
- 00:09:37,237 --> 00:09:38,709 W-W-Wait a minute. Wait -- wait a minute.
- 00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,711 Sperm are hunters. And what do sperm hunt?
- 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:42,273 Eggs. Exactly.
- 00:09:42,308 --> 00:09:44,440 And what would happen if we<i> enlarged</i> one?
- 00:09:44,475 --> 00:09:46,574 They'll head right for it! Get MIT on the phone.
- 00:09:46,609 --> 00:09:49,148 And get this guy a Nobel Prize.
- 00:09:49,183 --> 00:09:52,052 [ Applause and laughter ] You became a woman today.
- 00:09:52,087 --> 00:09:53,317 [ Ominous music plays ]
- 00:09:53,352 --> 00:09:55,451 [ Devices whirring ]
- 00:09:55,486 --> 00:09:57,992 So, Blazen, you got kids?
- 00:09:58,027 --> 00:09:59,895 The battlefield is <i>my</i> family.
- 00:09:59,930 --> 00:10:01,457 So cool. Wicked badass.
- 00:10:01,492 --> 00:10:03,327 [ Sperm snarling ] Go. I'll hold 'em off.
- 00:10:03,362 --> 00:10:04,834 Blazen, you don't have to do this.
- 00:10:04,869 --> 00:10:06,935 Shh. It is my destiny.
- 00:10:06,970 --> 00:10:08,739 He's right, Morty. It's the price of being Blazen.
- 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:10,004 Let him do his thing.
- 00:10:10,039 --> 00:10:12,644 [ Sperm snarling ] [ Grunts ]
- 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:13,942 Blood for blood.
- 00:10:13,977 --> 00:10:16,681 Cream for cream. [ Grunts ]
- 00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:19,409 Oh, no. I can't reach that!
- 00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,576 Idiot!
- 00:10:21,611 --> 00:10:22,918 What?! They're comfortable!
- 00:10:22,953 --> 00:10:24,150 You should try them!
- 00:10:24,185 --> 00:10:26,119 Eh, ah! Ohhhh.
- 00:10:26,154 --> 00:10:28,352 That'll do it. I'm worm food.
- 00:10:28,387 --> 00:10:30,156 Morty, find my wife.
- 00:10:30,191 --> 00:10:32,455 [ Straining ] Tell her I wasn't wearing her thong.
- 00:10:32,490 --> 00:10:34,666 That's a photocopy of "Sports Illustrated"
- 00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:36,261 swimsuit model Kathy Ireland.
- 00:10:36,296 --> 00:10:38,263 It's -- it's my wife. We have sex.
- 00:10:38,298 --> 00:10:41,035 Here, hold that picture up so we can have sex one last time.
- 00:10:41,070 --> 00:10:42,707 I-I know how to suck myself.
- 00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:45,039 What?! [ Sperm roaring ]
- 00:10:45,074 --> 00:10:46,304 Ugh, I was so wrong about this guy.
- 00:10:46,339 --> 00:10:48,108 He didn't even buy us any time.
- 00:10:48,143 --> 00:10:49,472 [ Sperm snarling ]
- 00:10:49,507 --> 00:10:51,441 Morty, get ready for some fireworks.
- 00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,047 [ Beep ]
- 00:10:55,381 --> 00:10:57,051 Ugh!
- 00:10:57,086 --> 00:10:59,119 Uh-oh. Oh, gross!
- 00:10:59,154 --> 00:11:01,957 This is the first time I've ever regretted being taken alive.
- 00:11:01,992 --> 00:11:03,519 Wait, who the fuck is that?!
- 00:11:03,554 --> 00:11:05,455 Silence in the presence of me.
- 00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:07,864 I am The Sperm Queen,
- 00:11:07,899 --> 00:11:11,703 and<i> you</i> are of special interest to me.
- 00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:13,661 Hey, what the fuck are you doing with my stuff?
- 00:11:13,696 --> 00:11:15,531 A-And why do you have the horse jerkoff machine
- 00:11:15,566 --> 00:11:16,807 from my daughter's hospital?
- 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,205 We need it to create our army.
- 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,636 Well, you need more than that, dummy. You need a horse.
- 00:11:21,671 --> 00:11:24,243 Oh but our stallion is already here.
- 00:11:24,278 --> 00:11:26,014 Isn't that right, Morty?
- 00:11:26,049 --> 00:11:28,753 Or shall I say... Father?
- 00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:31,822 Morty, you nasty, lying, little world-ending pervert.
- 00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:34,154 I-I-I'm sorry. [ Sobbing ]
- 00:11:34,189 --> 00:11:36,189 What was it like? Fantastic!
- 00:11:37,621 --> 00:11:39,522 Rick, I'm sorry!
- 00:11:39,557 --> 00:11:41,227 I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex
- 00:11:41,262 --> 00:11:42,866 with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon.
- 00:11:42,901 --> 00:11:44,230 I-I realize that's on me.
- 00:11:44,265 --> 00:11:46,001 Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies
- 00:11:46,036 --> 00:11:47,772 while I'm stuck here as Handjob Solo.
- 00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:50,269 This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty.
- 00:11:50,304 --> 00:11:53,745 How many millions went to their graves for you,
- 00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:55,912 hurling themselves into the void,
- 00:11:55,947 --> 00:11:58,277 only to discover a grody sock
- 00:11:58,312 --> 00:12:01,544 or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?
- 00:12:01,579 --> 00:12:02,952 How do you know all this?!
- 00:12:02,987 --> 00:12:05,922 Oh, honey, because we're the very essence of you.
- 00:12:05,957 --> 00:12:08,089 We are your shame incarnate.
- 00:12:08,124 --> 00:12:09,761 And once we're through with you,
- 00:12:09,796 --> 00:12:12,764 our sperm army will take over the world!
- 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,865 Put him on the machine! [ Machine whirring ]
- 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,933 Rick, do something! On it.
- 00:12:16,968 --> 00:12:20,530 [ Grunting ]
- 00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:22,906 Wh-what did you do? I got out of your eyeline.
- 00:12:22,941 --> 00:12:24,732 Oh, no. Oh! Oh!
- 00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:27,702 Yes! The end is near!
- 00:12:27,737 --> 00:12:29,209 Any last words?
- 00:12:29,244 --> 00:12:31,574 Ohhh! [ Explosion ]
- 00:12:31,609 --> 00:12:32,916 Sticky! Gross.
- 00:12:32,951 --> 00:12:34,544 I know you're not a wordsmith, Morty, but --
- 00:12:34,579 --> 00:12:36,645 No, no, no, my-my sperm friend is here!
- 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,383 Ugh, never give 'em a<i> name.</i>
- 00:12:38,418 --> 00:12:41,419 ♪♪
- 00:12:41,454 --> 00:12:43,388 Fools! You can't beat me!
- 00:12:43,423 --> 00:12:45,962 You didn't bring a woman that can kickbox!
- 00:12:46,965 --> 00:12:48,624 [ Grunts ]
- 00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,693 Is that all you got?
- 00:12:54,665 --> 00:12:57,270 Damn, that's some quintessential underdog shit.
- 00:12:57,305 --> 00:12:58,733 Kill them!
- 00:12:58,768 --> 00:13:00,471 [ Sperm roaring ]
- 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,409 [ Groans ]
- 00:13:04,444 --> 00:13:06,708 [ Coughs ]
- 00:13:08,151 --> 00:13:09,513 Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- 00:13:09,548 --> 00:13:11,251 I-I should've told you the truth, Rick.
- 00:13:11,286 --> 00:13:12,681 Let's save the world first.
- 00:13:12,716 --> 00:13:14,419 Now, reset those nukes, and let's turn this canyon
- 00:13:14,454 --> 00:13:16,289 into a can't-yon.
- 00:13:16,324 --> 00:13:17,994 [ Device whirring ]
- 00:13:18,029 --> 00:13:20,623 There usually earthquakes in Arizona?
- 00:13:20,658 --> 00:13:22,966 [ Roaring in distance ]
- 00:13:24,794 --> 00:13:26,299 They're heading for Vegas,
- 00:13:26,334 --> 00:13:30,039 which<i> does</i> track on many levels, but why now?
- 00:13:30,074 --> 00:13:31,535 What the?
- 00:13:31,570 --> 00:13:33,438 President: Let's hear it for Professor Shabooboo
- 00:13:33,473 --> 00:13:35,506 and his brilliant egg. Um, hello?
- 00:13:35,541 --> 00:13:37,607 Aren't you forgetting someone? Oh, good point.
- 00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:40,346 Big thanks to the cast of Cirque Du Soleil's "Zumanity"
- 00:13:40,381 --> 00:13:42,546 for the impressive and erotic routine.
- 00:13:42,581 --> 00:13:44,515 Mr. President, Rick Sanchez is on the line.
- 00:13:44,550 --> 00:13:46,451 Good. Put that asshole on speaker.
- 00:13:46,486 --> 00:13:47,815 Well, well, well.
- 00:13:47,850 --> 00:13:49,718 No thanks to you, we're luring the sperm
- 00:13:49,753 --> 00:13:51,621 with a giant human egg, even though,
- 00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:53,557 symbolically speaking, Vegas should be enough.
- 00:13:53,592 --> 00:13:54,965 Rick:<i> A human egg?</i>
- 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,362 <i>Where-where-where</i> <i>did you get it?</i>
- 00:13:56,397 --> 00:13:58,331 Glad you asked. It's your granddaughter's,
- 00:13:58,366 --> 00:14:00,036 so at least you contributed <i>something</i> to this.
- 00:14:00,071 --> 00:14:01,532 Morty:<i> Mister President!</i> <i>It's Morty!</i>
- 00:14:01,567 --> 00:14:03,237 <i>It's my sperm!</i> <i>I-It's all mine!</i>
- 00:14:03,272 --> 00:14:05,371 What?! <i>I'm a dirty little</i> <i>perverted maniac.</i>
- 00:14:05,406 --> 00:14:07,637 I spent a week pleasuring myself with animal equipment,
- 00:14:07,672 --> 00:14:09,837 and my sperm got turned into monsters on accident
- 00:14:09,872 --> 00:14:12,378 because I kept lying about it because I was ashamed!
- 00:14:12,413 --> 00:14:13,643 <i>You should be!</i>
- 00:14:13,678 --> 00:14:15,018 <i>My God, man,</i> <i>we were all 14 once</i>
- 00:14:15,053 --> 00:14:16,712 <i>but it's called</i> <i>self-control.</i>
- 00:14:16,747 --> 00:14:19,154 Don't let them reach my sister's egg, Mr. President!
- 00:14:19,189 --> 00:14:20,958 You'll be making a giant --
- 00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:24,324 Incest baby.
- 00:14:24,359 --> 00:14:25,655 What? Who told you that?
- 00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,327 What? I-I was finishing his sentence.
- 00:14:27,362 --> 00:14:29,329 Oh. Right. Come with us.
- 00:14:29,364 --> 00:14:30,726 The sperm is Morty's!
- 00:14:30,761 --> 00:14:33,564 We're about to make a giant incest baby!
- 00:14:33,599 --> 00:14:36,369 Aw, well, now we're<i> all</i> in our darkest hour.
- 00:14:36,404 --> 00:14:38,008 Launch the egg! Launch it now!
- 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,109 B-But that'll take 30 minutes. What?! Why?!
- 00:14:40,144 --> 00:14:42,177 That's how long every space launch takes!
- 00:14:42,212 --> 00:14:43,915 No one realizes because they only show you
- 00:14:43,950 --> 00:14:46,379 the last 10 seconds!
- 00:14:46,414 --> 00:14:47,875 Uh, uh, help me out here.
- 00:14:47,910 --> 00:14:50,251 Hey, it was your idea, right?
- 00:14:50,286 --> 00:14:52,847 Okay, okay, n-no need to panic, everyone.
- 00:14:52,882 --> 00:14:54,849 I have a simple solution.
- 00:14:54,884 --> 00:14:57,423 See you all in hell!
- 00:14:57,458 --> 00:14:59,359 [ Splat ] I don't see how <i>that's</i> going to help.
- 00:14:59,394 --> 00:15:02,428 Form a perimeter! Protect that egg at all costs!
- 00:15:02,463 --> 00:15:04,727 I always knew your hormones would cause a world war
- 00:15:04,762 --> 00:15:06,861 between humans and Cannibalistic Horse People.
- 00:15:06,896 --> 00:15:08,566 I just didn't know it would be like<i> this.</i>
- 00:15:08,601 --> 00:15:09,974 I can't change my nature.
- 00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,042 What are you, a scorpion in a Navajo fable?
- 00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,868 Everyone can change their nature, Morty.
- 00:15:13,903 --> 00:15:15,309 It's what defines our species.
- 00:15:15,344 --> 00:15:16,574 Look at Iron Man.
- 00:15:16,609 --> 00:15:18,147 That actor was an animal in the '90s,
- 00:15:18,182 --> 00:15:20,083 literally waking up in bushes.
- 00:15:20,118 --> 00:15:22,877 His agent had to catch him with a butterfly net. Silence!
- 00:15:22,912 --> 00:15:25,220 Rick Sanchez, you know why you're here.
- 00:15:25,255 --> 00:15:26,584 Yeah, it was my grandson's fault.
- 00:15:26,619 --> 00:15:28,883 You slept with my daughter! I did?
- 00:15:28,918 --> 00:15:30,324 Oh, shit, I did.
- 00:15:30,359 --> 00:15:31,820 [ Belches ] Forgive me, Your CHUDness.
- 00:15:31,855 --> 00:15:33,327 I'm a changed man starting now.
- 00:15:33,362 --> 00:15:36,627 You come to the Kingdom of CHUDs for forgiveness?
- 00:15:36,662 --> 00:15:38,728 CHUDs don't forgive humans.
- 00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:40,334 CHUDs<i> eat</i> humans!
- 00:15:40,369 --> 00:15:42,138 This is out there, even for us.
- 00:15:42,173 --> 00:15:43,469 They can hear you, Morty.
- 00:15:43,504 --> 00:15:45,075 All: Boil him up! Yum, yum!
- 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,407 Spice him right! Oh, boy!
- 00:15:47,442 --> 00:15:49,343 Eat the flesh! Yum, yum!
- 00:15:49,378 --> 00:15:51,411 Not the bones! Oh, no!
- 00:15:51,446 --> 00:15:53,512 Belly ache! Ouch, Ouch!
- 00:15:53,547 --> 00:15:55,844 Father! [Whinnies] Stop this at once!
- 00:15:55,879 --> 00:15:58,682 Princess Poñeta! You can't kill Rícko!
- 00:15:58,717 --> 00:16:00,354 I -- I love him!
- 00:16:00,389 --> 00:16:01,751 [ Crowd gasping ]
- 00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:04,259 Right! I-I love you, too, Princess Poñeta.
- 00:16:04,294 --> 00:16:05,920 This love is forbidden.
- 00:16:05,955 --> 00:16:07,493 My daughter, you are a CHUD.
- 00:16:07,528 --> 00:16:10,100 Rick is a human [whinnies] and age-inappropriate.
- 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:12,102 Then you leave me <i>no</i> choice.
- 00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:14,830 By the 17th Article of the CHUD-stitution,
- 00:16:14,865 --> 00:16:17,833 I offer Rícko Sanchez horsemunity
- 00:16:17,868 --> 00:16:22,508 and demand a equestri-truce between all CHUDs and humans!
- 00:16:22,543 --> 00:16:24,939 [ Crowd gasping ] On what grounds?
- 00:16:24,974 --> 00:16:28,481 On the grounds that Rícko is the father of my child.
- 00:16:28,516 --> 00:16:29,713 I have an heir.
- 00:16:29,748 --> 00:16:31,550 I have a substance-abuse problem.
- 00:16:31,585 --> 00:16:33,651 The Prophecy has come true!
- 00:16:33,686 --> 00:16:35,785 Also, did someone drop a scroll?
- 00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:37,787 Here we go. Over here. [ Whinnies ] Sorry.
- 00:16:37,822 --> 00:16:41,725 ♪♪
- 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,067 Where did you get all that?
- 00:16:43,102 --> 00:16:44,629 -It's Vegas. -Sir!
- 00:16:44,664 --> 00:16:45,993 The Strip has been evacuated, but I'm worried
- 00:16:46,028 --> 00:16:47,533 we won't be able to hold the perimeter.
- 00:16:47,568 --> 00:16:48,963 Then deputize Las Vegas regulars.
- 00:16:48,998 --> 00:16:50,305 Everyone's a patriot today.
- 00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:51,669 Even me!
- 00:16:51,704 --> 00:16:53,341 Take three steps back, Amazing Johnathan.
- 00:16:53,376 --> 00:16:55,706 Men and their guns. Metaphorical and not.
- 00:16:55,741 --> 00:16:57,675 Tell me about it.
- 00:16:57,710 --> 00:16:59,809 Get ready, boys! The last thing this world needs
- 00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:01,811 is a giant incest baby.
- 00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:03,747 -Oorah! Here they come! -Nice!
- 00:17:03,782 --> 00:17:06,684 Do not let a single sperm get through to that egg!
- 00:17:06,719 --> 00:17:09,456 [ Gunfire ]
- 00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:13,394 Um, should we be concerned about that scary bomb-laden one?
- 00:17:13,429 --> 00:17:14,857 Honey, let the men handle this.
- 00:17:14,892 --> 00:17:17,101 I think we know a thing or two about --
- 00:17:19,798 --> 00:17:21,765 Ugh! Ready for all the responsibility
- 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,107 with none of the credit?
- 00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:25,538 Let's Nancy Reagan this bitch.
- 00:17:25,573 --> 00:17:27,408 Ah!
- 00:17:27,443 --> 00:17:30,741 ♪♪
- 00:17:30,776 --> 00:17:32,908 [ Grunting ]
- 00:17:32,943 --> 00:17:38,782 ♪♪
- 00:17:38,817 --> 00:17:40,190 Dammit! We can't stop them.
- 00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:41,422 We don't have the manpower!
- 00:17:41,457 --> 00:17:43,017 Rick: What about horsepower?
- 00:17:43,052 --> 00:17:44,623 [ Whinnying ]
- 00:17:44,658 --> 00:17:45,921 Sweet Lady Liberty.
- 00:17:45,956 --> 00:17:47,593 That sonofamare Rick has ended
- 00:17:47,628 --> 00:17:49,364 our centuries-long war with the CHUDs.
- 00:17:49,399 --> 00:17:51,861 -We made peace with the CHUDs! -The CHUDs are our buds!
- 00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:54,237 [ Sperm roaring ]
- 00:17:54,272 --> 00:17:56,470 Rícko! The hoofless -- they need us!
- 00:17:56,505 --> 00:17:59,374 Let's do this. CHUDily dudily, ho, ho, ho!
- 00:17:59,409 --> 00:18:01,706 CHUDs: CHUDily dudily, ho, ho, ho!
- 00:18:01,741 --> 00:18:09,780 ♪♪
- 00:18:09,815 --> 00:18:12,717 Mom, I promise to use condoms, even when it's butt stuff.
- 00:18:12,752 --> 00:18:15,489 Okay, we have a<i> lot</i> to talk about tonight.
- 00:18:15,524 --> 00:18:25,092 ♪♪
- 00:18:25,127 --> 00:18:34,739 ♪♪
- 00:18:34,774 --> 00:18:36,246 Is this your heart?
- 00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,478 It's a play on, "Is this your card?"
- 00:18:37,513 --> 00:18:38,974 You don't have a heart,
- 00:18:39,009 --> 00:18:40,448 uh, but this is probably some kind of organelle,
- 00:18:40,483 --> 00:18:41,977 in charge of pumping endoplasmic reticulum
- 00:18:42,012 --> 00:18:43,781 throughout your membrane and therefore,
- 00:18:43,816 --> 00:18:45,750 relative to you, functions<i> as</i> a heart.
- 00:18:45,785 --> 00:18:49,655 So, I ask you again, is<i> this</i> your heart?
- 00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:51,118 [ Gasps ] Morty, look!
- 00:18:51,153 --> 00:18:53,087 I won't just be thrown away, Rick!
- 00:18:53,122 --> 00:18:55,331 The egg is<i> mine!</i>
- 00:18:55,366 --> 00:18:57,168 Sticky! It's all you, bud!
- 00:18:57,203 --> 00:19:00,468 ♪♪
- 00:19:00,503 --> 00:19:02,767 Noooo!
- 00:19:02,802 --> 00:19:05,803 [ Crowd cheering ] Sticky!
- 00:19:05,838 --> 00:19:07,805 [ All gasping ] Fuck!
- 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:09,708 We got a heartbeat. Screw that!
- 00:19:09,743 --> 00:19:12,480 That's a human life, and this is an election cycle.
- 00:19:12,515 --> 00:19:14,383 You have to do something! Nope.
- 00:19:14,418 --> 00:19:17,848 [ Beeping, rumbling ]
- 00:19:17,883 --> 00:19:19,850 It's space's problem now.
- 00:19:19,885 --> 00:19:21,687 Oh, this sucks.
- 00:19:21,722 --> 00:19:23,788 You're "Sports Illustrated"'s Kathy Ireland.
- 00:19:23,823 --> 00:19:26,153 You were with my husband, Blazen, when he died.
- 00:19:26,188 --> 00:19:29,827 Please tell me... was he wearing my thong?
- 00:19:29,862 --> 00:19:32,632 He probably told you not to tell me.
- 00:19:32,667 --> 00:19:35,635 He was ashamed of it, but he didn't need to be.
- 00:19:35,670 --> 00:19:37,835 I hope he<i> was</i> wearing it.
- 00:19:37,870 --> 00:19:39,309 Always be honest.
- 00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:41,003 Sometimes it will hurt people.
- 00:19:41,038 --> 00:19:44,380 Sometimes it will help. But always be honest.
- 00:19:44,415 --> 00:19:47,141 Huh. Yeah, yeah, he -- he<i> was</i> wearing it.
- 00:19:47,176 --> 00:19:50,045 Ew! That gross animal pig!
- 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,882 So, trying to boil this all down,
- 00:19:51,917 --> 00:19:53,257 I-I want to say it's import--
- 00:19:53,292 --> 00:19:54,819 Shut up, Morty, I got my own epilogue.
- 00:19:54,854 --> 00:19:57,261 Oh, Rícko, I love you.
- 00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,559 [ Burps ] Prove it.
- 00:19:58,594 --> 00:20:00,330 [ Smacking and heavy breathing ]
- 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,596 Oh, I love kissing those big ol' horse teeth.
- 00:20:02,631 --> 00:20:04,191 It's like lickin' tile.
- 00:20:04,226 --> 00:20:06,193 Oh! I swear...
- 00:20:06,228 --> 00:20:08,162 it's time someone made an honest man out of me.
- 00:20:08,197 --> 00:20:09,834 Whatever you need, the whole nine yards,
- 00:20:09,869 --> 00:20:11,165 you got it. [ Whinnies ]
- 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,574 The thing is, Rícko... it's time.
- 00:20:13,609 --> 00:20:15,510 Oh, shit, oh, shit. It's time!
- 00:20:15,545 --> 00:20:16,940 Oh, my God, it's wonderful.
- 00:20:16,975 --> 00:20:18,909 [ Groans ] [ Splat ]
- 00:20:18,944 --> 00:20:21,846 [ Whinnies ]
- 00:20:21,881 --> 00:20:25,014 Oh, wow. So we don't have to, you know, r-raise it?
- 00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:27,016 Nah. They're ready to go right out of the box.
- 00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:29,887 Cool, cool. So...bye?
- 00:20:29,922 --> 00:20:31,262 Yep. Take care of yourself, Rick.
- 00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:33,297 Yep. Same. [ Whinnies ]
- 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:38,599 <i>That was easy.</i>
- 00:20:38,634 --> 00:20:46,475 ♪♪
- 00:20:46,510 --> 00:20:54,318 ♪♪
- 00:20:54,353 --> 00:21:02,216 ♪♪
- 00:21:02,251 --> 00:21:10,059 ♪♪
- 00:21:10,094 --> 00:21:12,402 Houston, permission to open the starboard panel.
- 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:13,667 Houston: <i>Permission granted.</i>
- 00:21:13,702 --> 00:21:16,901 Firing breach now.
- 00:21:16,936 --> 00:21:19,266 <i>Explorer, our readouts</i> <i>show a pressure spike.</i>
- 00:21:19,301 --> 00:21:20,740 <i>Everything alright?</i>
- 00:21:20,775 --> 00:21:23,171 Honestly, sometimes staring back at Earth
- 00:21:23,206 --> 00:21:26,108 makes me think about the people I left behind --
- 00:21:26,143 --> 00:21:29,111 my wife, the son she had to anchor me there.
- 00:21:29,146 --> 00:21:31,179 I tried to be a parent, I really did,
- 00:21:31,214 --> 00:21:34,622 but I've come to find I'm only suited to be a spaceman.
- 00:21:34,657 --> 00:21:36,085 The nicest part of being up here
- 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:37,988 is there are no reminders of the guilt
- 00:21:38,023 --> 00:21:40,958 I sometimes feel about abandoning my family.
- 00:21:40,993 --> 00:21:42,498 [ Indistinct babbling ]
- 00:21:42,533 --> 00:21:44,467 Sorry, Houston, I thought I heard something.
- 00:21:44,502 --> 00:21:45,963 <i>Negative on our end.</i>
- 00:21:45,998 --> 00:21:47,800 <i>No, wait,</i> <i>there's something big</i>
- 00:21:47,835 --> 00:21:49,538 <i>and it's coming right at you!</i> Goo, goo, gah, gah.
- 00:21:49,573 --> 00:21:52,442 Dear God. No! You can't be real!
- 00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:55,269 <i>Explorer, what is it?</i> <i>What the hell do you see?!</i>
- 00:21:55,304 --> 00:21:56,842 My conscience.
- 00:21:56,877 --> 00:21:58,349 <i>Explorer! Explorer!</i> Aaah!
- 00:21:58,384 --> 00:22:00,516 <i>Are you there?</i> Aaaaaah!
- 00:22:00,551 --> 00:22:02,848 <i>Geez.</i> <i>Not gonna miss that guy.</i> Aaaaah!
- 00:22:02,883 --> 00:22:04,685 <i>Right? So dramatic.</i>
- 00:22:06,425 --> 00:22:07,820 Man: Did you get any of that?
- 00:22:07,855 --> 00:22:12,022 ♪♪
- 00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:08,833 Мам, мы пропустим фильм.
- 00:00:08,913 --> 00:00:09,653 Тише, успеем.
- 00:00:09,733 --> 00:00:13,704 Мы уже не первый час зависаем в-в этой тупой больнице для лошадей.
- 00:00:13,794 --> 00:00:16,064 Я в этой тупой больнице деньги зарабатываю.
- 00:00:16,205 --> 00:00:18,535 Мог бы догадаться.
- 00:00:20,375 --> 00:00:23,756 А это что за штука в центре комнаты? С-с дыркой посередине?
- 00:00:23,886 --> 00:00:24,836 Аппарат для спаривания.
- 00:00:24,916 --> 00:00:27,986 Используется для сбора... репродуктивного материала.
- 00:00:40,668 --> 00:00:43,849 Ну, идём на очередное говно от Марвел, от которого ты так кончаешь.
- 00:00:43,929 --> 00:00:45,849 Ага. Н-ну пойдём.
- 00:00:45,929 --> 00:00:49,820 А-а вашей больнице часом не нужны добровольцы?
- 00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:52,480 Ого, кто ты, и куда делся мой сын?
- 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,631 Не, не, серьёзно, у тебя правда к-крутая работа.
- 00:00:55,711 --> 00:00:57,011 НЕДЕЛЮ СПУСТЯ
- 00:01:00,002 --> 00:01:03,502 Эх, Морти, грязная ты псина.
- 00:01:04,062 --> 00:01:05,343 Ну давай.
- 00:01:06,923 --> 00:01:08,363 100% ЧИСТАЯ КОНСКАЯ СПЕРМА
- 00:01:10,033 --> 00:01:10,523 Привет, Рик.
- 00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:12,144 Привет, пацан, как выходные?
- 00:01:12,224 --> 00:01:14,584 Лежу-балдею, а т-т-ты чем занят?
- 00:01:14,674 --> 00:01:18,885 Да нудятиной. Помнишь расу подземных чело-лошадей-каннибалов?
- 00:01:18,965 --> 00:01:21,015 Да, Конибалы, т-так в чём суть?
- 00:01:21,095 --> 00:01:24,226 Никому не говори, но для борьбы с ними я создаю био-оружие.
- 00:01:24,306 --> 00:01:26,826 И для этого мне понадобилась бочка конской спермы из больницы твоей мамы,
- 00:01:26,906 --> 00:01:30,457 которую я, ну, подвергну облучению.
- 00:01:30,537 --> 00:01:32,117 Но надо проверить, убедиться в...
- 00:01:32,197 --> 00:01:32,787 Убедиться в чём?
- 00:01:32,877 --> 00:01:34,097 Что это конская сперма.
- 00:01:34,207 --> 00:01:35,687 Так на бочке же всё написано.
- 00:01:35,777 --> 00:01:37,348 Хреновый из тебя учёный.
- 00:01:37,428 --> 00:01:39,628 Всё надо проверять дважды. Особенно сперму.
- 00:01:39,718 --> 00:01:41,328 А у мамы ты разрешения спросил?
- 00:01:41,428 --> 00:01:43,569 Морти, если бы я хотел её украсть...
- 00:01:43,649 --> 00:01:46,139 Да, я спросил разрешения, отвали уже от меня!
- 00:01:46,249 --> 00:01:47,219 Тогда доверься наклейке!
- 00:01:47,299 --> 00:01:49,030 Ладно, хорошо! Так и быть!
- 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:52,050 Господи, ваше поколение сводит меня с ума.
- 00:01:52,130 --> 00:01:55,121 Не подходи, я прогоню через сперму огромный поток энергии.
- 00:01:55,241 --> 00:01:59,721 Но не бойся, ведь сперма всё же, ну, не человеческая. Поехали.
- 00:02:14,654 --> 00:02:15,894 Ч-что произошло?
- 00:02:15,974 --> 00:02:18,314 Сперма, Морти! Она превратилась в чудовищ!
- 00:02:18,394 --> 00:02:21,395 Это моя вина. Или с этой спермой было что-то не так.
- 00:02:21,515 --> 00:02:23,195 Т-ты же издеваешься надо мной?
- 00:02:23,295 --> 00:02:24,575 Что? Издеваюсь? Зачем?
- 00:02:24,655 --> 00:02:25,876 Хочешь что-то мне сказать?
- 00:02:25,956 --> 00:02:27,936 Морти, не знаю, о чём ты говоришь!
- 00:02:28,016 --> 00:02:28,856 - Правда? - Да!
- 00:02:28,936 --> 00:02:30,876 Отлично, т-тогда это ты виноват!
- 00:02:59,791 --> 00:03:03,922 РИК И МОРТИ
- 00:03:04,152 --> 00:03:05,682 Пап, что за хрень тут творится?!
- 00:03:05,762 --> 00:03:09,713 Бет, милая, не мешай. Я пытаюсь объехать тела наших соседей.
- 00:03:09,853 --> 00:03:11,713 Кажись, это Джин. Тебе виднее.
- 00:03:11,813 --> 00:03:14,043 - Пап, клянусь... - Мам, это не Рик виноват, а...
- 00:03:14,124 --> 00:03:15,094 Космо-сперма.
- 00:03:15,174 --> 00:03:15,684 Что?!
- 00:03:15,764 --> 00:03:19,244 Да, Космо-сперма. Я-я их уже встречал, н-н-но не таких.
- 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:22,015 Космо-сперма? Сперма из Космоса?
- 00:03:22,125 --> 00:03:24,225 Впечатляющая словесная экспертиза, Джерри.
- 00:03:24,345 --> 00:03:26,145 Вот бля. А космо-члены большие?
- 00:03:26,235 --> 00:03:28,966 Не отвечай ей! Наверняка большие...
- 00:03:35,477 --> 00:03:37,737 Чёрт, чёрт, чёрт!
- 00:03:43,088 --> 00:03:47,319 Мистер Санчес, президент хочет поговорить с вами!
- 00:03:50,199 --> 00:03:51,560 Морти, слушай, не выдавай меня.
- 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,900 Я-я не должен говорить, откуда взялись эти штуки?
- 00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:58,411 Да, формально это ложь, но я облажался, и мне стыдно, но блин, наука же.
- 00:03:58,501 --> 00:04:00,321 Ладно, я тебя не выдам, чувак.
- 00:04:00,411 --> 00:04:02,721 Правда? Хорошо. Круто. Спасибо, Морти.
- 00:04:02,801 --> 00:04:04,082 Я думал, будет сложнее.
- 00:04:04,172 --> 00:04:07,752 Ты совершил ужасный поступок, но не стоит на нём зацикливаться, да, верно?
- 00:04:07,832 --> 00:04:12,583 Иногда нужно просто вытереть, выбросить его в ведро и вернуться в класс.
- 00:04:12,663 --> 00:04:14,613 Метафору я не понял, но в класс бы вернулся.
- 00:04:14,693 --> 00:04:16,744 Санчес! А ну быстро сюда!
- 00:04:16,914 --> 00:04:20,184 Космо-сперма? Ого, а космо-члены большие?
- 00:04:20,284 --> 00:04:21,054 Он шарит в теме.
- 00:04:21,134 --> 00:04:22,095 Господин президент,
- 00:04:22,175 --> 00:04:24,555 теория о космической ДНК существует долгие годы.
- 00:04:24,635 --> 00:04:27,675 Чупакабры, Йети, Стоунхендж, Древний Рим.
- 00:04:27,756 --> 00:04:32,566 Всё это мифы, монстры, легенды... или разные названия спермы из космоса.
- 00:04:32,646 --> 00:04:35,727 Знаешь, Санчес, я уверен, что либо ты в ответе за эту хрень,
- 00:04:35,807 --> 00:04:38,077 либо те чело-лошади, что живут под землёй.
- 00:04:38,157 --> 00:04:39,247 - Конибалы. - Точно.
- 00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:41,978 Если это они – да поможет им Бог.
- 00:04:42,118 --> 00:04:44,018 Морти, давай, выкладывай.
- 00:04:44,098 --> 00:04:46,399 Вы не докажете! Стоп, что? А, точно.
- 00:04:46,509 --> 00:04:50,699 Я защищу тебя малыш. Дунь в свисток, фьють, фьють. Твой дед виновен?
- 00:04:50,789 --> 00:04:51,779 Вот, что я скажу.
- 00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:55,400 Мы живём в величайшей стране, изобретшей пироги и лазеры.
- 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:56,510 Ага, продолжай.
- 00:04:56,590 --> 00:04:58,651 А сперма... мы ничего о ней не знаем.
- 00:04:58,731 --> 00:05:03,391 Значит, конибалы объявили нам войну. А ты в этот раз легко отделался.
- 00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:04,812 Привет, привет, простите, что поздно.
- 00:05:04,892 --> 00:05:07,632 Это профессор Шабубу, величайший эксперт по сперме.
- 00:05:07,712 --> 00:05:08,802 Спасибо, что прибыли так быстро.
- 00:05:08,882 --> 00:05:09,832 У меня не было других дел.
- 00:05:09,912 --> 00:05:12,643 Я следил за нашими спермо-друзьями с момента прибытия.
- 00:05:12,723 --> 00:05:16,213 И-и если мои расчёты верны, все они собираются здесь.
- 00:05:16,293 --> 00:05:18,894 Зачем сперме сдался Большой Каньон?
- 00:05:19,564 --> 00:05:22,284 Вы смотрите так, будто ответ очевиден.
- 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:25,265 Это какая-то шутка? Мы что, школьники?
- 00:05:25,355 --> 00:05:27,335 Вы думаете, сперму инстинктивно тянет к...
- 00:05:27,415 --> 00:05:29,826 Не осуждайте нас. Туда они и направились.
- 00:05:29,906 --> 00:05:33,046 Так. Как нам разобраться с этими... «Оргазмогоблинами»?
- 00:05:33,306 --> 00:05:36,277 Варианты? Что ж. Так... «Спермпельштильсхины»?
- 00:05:36,357 --> 00:05:38,737 Нет. Тупо. Или «КончеБоглины»?
- 00:05:38,817 --> 00:05:40,017 О да, да, «КончеБоглины».
- 00:05:40,097 --> 00:05:41,357 Серьёзно? «КончеБоглины»?
- 00:05:41,438 --> 00:05:43,408 Пусть будет так, потом поменяем.
- 00:05:43,488 --> 00:05:44,978 Мистер президент, позволите?
- 00:05:45,118 --> 00:05:47,248 К счастью, мне удалось заполучить экземпляр.
- 00:05:47,328 --> 00:05:51,859 Первым делом мы проведём анализ ДНК и выясним, откуда взялись эти чудесные...
- 00:05:52,089 --> 00:05:53,179 Почему?!
- 00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,670 У-у него был ствол!
- 00:05:55,580 --> 00:05:58,190 Какого дьявола?! Вы что, не обыскали сперму?
- 00:05:58,270 --> 00:05:59,440 Так у спермы нет рук!
- 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,031 Этот пацан никогда не лжёт!
- 00:06:01,121 --> 00:06:04,521 Если хотите от них избавиться – дайте нам самолёт и парочку боеголовок.
- 00:06:04,601 --> 00:06:06,392 Мы сотрём их с лица земли, не оставив и следа.
- 00:06:06,472 --> 00:06:09,002 - Это единственный способ. - Он прав. Я учёный.
- 00:06:09,082 --> 00:06:13,033 Ну хорошо. Уничтожьте их. Народ максимум пожалуется, что каньон стал ещё больше.
- 00:06:13,113 --> 00:06:15,633 Джерри, мы плохие родители. Действуй!
- 00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:18,013 Э-эту воду же можно пить?
- 00:06:18,113 --> 00:06:20,164 - Да, а это мой любимый стакан. - Я налью!
- 00:06:21,594 --> 00:06:22,584 А вы чем заняты?
- 00:06:22,704 --> 00:06:26,685 И Рик, чтобы ты точно не облажался, я пошлю с тобой своих лучших мужиков.
- 00:06:26,765 --> 00:06:27,246 И девушку.
- 00:06:27,326 --> 00:06:28,545 Предложение неплохое,
- 00:06:28,625 --> 00:06:31,886 но не думаю, что их лидером будет королева, прокаченная кикбоксом.
- 00:06:31,966 --> 00:06:33,886 Вызвать стопроцентных мужиков!
- 00:06:35,326 --> 00:06:39,217 Вырезать сперматозоидов – всё равно что резать кусочек тёплого масла.
- 00:06:39,297 --> 00:06:41,757 Эти сучки залетят от меня. Посмертно!
- 00:06:41,837 --> 00:06:42,507 Нет страху!
- 00:06:42,587 --> 00:06:43,421 Нет смирению!
- 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:46,118 - И никаких последствий не будет! - И никаких последствий не будет!
- 00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:49,509 Эй, давай поставим, кто из этих парней продержится дольше, чем остальные?
- 00:06:49,589 --> 00:06:51,249 Я не ставлю на человеческие жизни, Рик.
- 00:06:51,329 --> 00:06:54,609 Все эти ребята выживут, но тот парень точно дольше остальных.
- 00:06:54,729 --> 00:06:57,590 Я тоже так думаю. Как его имя? Блэйзен?
- 00:06:58,480 --> 00:06:59,200 Клёво же!
- 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,381 Ага, он медитирует прямо в турбулентности.
- 00:07:01,461 --> 00:07:04,231 И если бы рядом что-то упало, он бы поймал его, не открывая глаз.
- 00:07:04,311 --> 00:07:04,921 Это точно.
- 00:07:05,001 --> 00:07:07,702 Давай кинем что-нибудь в него? У-у меня тут карандаш...
- 00:07:10,302 --> 00:07:11,742 К-кто в нас стреляет?!
- 00:07:12,812 --> 00:07:15,193 Ого, как неожиданно.
- 00:07:15,343 --> 00:07:18,353 У-у спермы катапульта?! Они развиваются?!
- 00:07:18,433 --> 00:07:20,724 Нет, это ты тупеешь, ведь это требушет.
- 00:07:20,824 --> 00:07:21,864 Да их никто не различает!
- 00:07:21,944 --> 00:07:25,124 Они уже перезарядили требушет. Пора прыгать!
- 00:07:36,266 --> 00:07:37,226 Пора выдвигаться.
- 00:07:37,306 --> 00:07:38,497 - Как круто. - Ни царапины.
- 00:07:38,577 --> 00:07:40,607 Итак, дамочки. В уничижительном плане.
- 00:07:40,687 --> 00:07:44,308 Мы получили по Е и теперь нам нужен хороший Пэ.
- 00:07:44,858 --> 00:07:47,478 План. Я пойду вперёд.
- 00:07:47,558 --> 00:07:50,018 Вы двое по флангам. Блэйзен, ты сюда...
- 00:07:50,098 --> 00:07:52,999 Эй! Парни, пусть кто-то один рисует план!
- 00:07:53,079 --> 00:07:54,109 Коньчары!
- 00:07:54,199 --> 00:07:54,899 Чужижа!
- 00:07:54,979 --> 00:07:55,639 Спермачи!
- 00:07:55,739 --> 00:07:57,610 Простите, но давайте определимся?!
- 00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:03,831 Что ж, используйте моё имя! Сливки недовзбитые!
- 00:08:09,812 --> 00:08:11,902 Тише, тише, малыш.
- 00:08:11,982 --> 00:08:14,292 В-всё хорошо, всё хорошо.
- 00:08:16,083 --> 00:08:17,843 Ты узнаёшь меня?
- 00:08:17,923 --> 00:08:19,863 Помнишь, что вышел из меня?
- 00:08:19,973 --> 00:08:24,554 Я Морти. А тебя я назову Липко, п-потому что т-ты очень липкий.
- 00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:30,815 В сторону, Морти.
- 00:08:30,895 --> 00:08:32,685 Нет, необязательно делать это.
- 00:08:32,765 --> 00:08:36,596 Это гаплоидный генетический код. Машина для оплодотворения.
- 00:08:36,696 --> 00:08:37,566 Да что с тобой?
- 00:08:37,646 --> 00:08:39,036 Рик, отпусти его.
- 00:08:41,597 --> 00:08:44,017 Морти, только не пизди. Что с тобой?
- 00:08:44,127 --> 00:08:47,348 Мне кажется, я понял, в чём тут дело.
- 00:08:47,678 --> 00:08:49,848 Шучу, я ни хрена не понимаю.
- 00:08:49,958 --> 00:08:52,069 - Пора выдвигаться. - И-и куда?
- 00:08:53,169 --> 00:08:56,759 Связав одно чувство, освободи другое.
- 00:08:58,530 --> 00:09:00,770 Охренеть! О-он может чуять пещеры?
- 00:09:00,890 --> 00:09:01,910 Я вообще стараюсь не дышать.
- 00:09:01,990 --> 00:09:04,141 Вся эта планета – огромная мусорка в общаге.
- 00:09:05,301 --> 00:09:07,071 Сэр... Рик Санчес пропал с радаров.
- 00:09:07,151 --> 00:09:08,391 Я знал, что ему нельзя доверять!
- 00:09:08,471 --> 00:09:11,792 Может, пилот перевозбудился и рухнул в Большую Вагину?
- 00:09:11,872 --> 00:09:14,532 Вам разрешено находиться здесь, а не отпускать язвительные комментарии.
- 00:09:14,612 --> 00:09:16,573 Займитесь делом. Как Джерри.
- 00:09:16,683 --> 00:09:18,753 Полный стакан. Как вы и хотели!
- 00:09:19,143 --> 00:09:20,223 Ситуация такова.
- 00:09:20,303 --> 00:09:23,334 Рик и наши боеголовки пропали. Что теперь?
- 00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:25,064 Никаких идей?
- 00:09:25,174 --> 00:09:27,464 У меня. Верно, у меня. У девушки.
- 00:09:27,574 --> 00:09:29,385 Господа, что нужно сперматозоидам?
- 00:09:29,465 --> 00:09:32,775 То же самое, что и дровосеку по утрам, а лисам по ночам.
- 00:09:32,855 --> 00:09:33,725 - Штаны. - Яйца.
- 00:09:33,805 --> 00:09:34,826 - Оладьи. - Яйца.
- 00:09:34,906 --> 00:09:37,276 И для гига-спермы понадобится гига-яйцо.
- 00:09:37,356 --> 00:09:38,796 С-стойте, погодите минутку.
- 00:09:38,876 --> 00:09:40,767 Сперматозоиды – охотники. А на что они охотятся?
- 00:09:40,847 --> 00:09:41,877 - На яйца. - Именно.
- 00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:44,297 А что, если мы сделаем большое яйцо?
- 00:09:44,427 --> 00:09:46,928 Все они кинутся внутрь! Срочно вызовите МТИ.
- 00:09:47,008 --> 00:09:49,658 И дайте этому парню Нобелевку.
- 00:09:49,998 --> 00:09:51,768 Вот ты и стала женщиной.
- 00:09:55,579 --> 00:09:58,089 Слушай, Блэйзен. Дети есть?
- 00:09:58,189 --> 00:09:59,950 Поле боя – моя семья.
- 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,560 - Какой крутой. - Жёсткий тип.
- 00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,370 Прочь! Я их задержу!
- 00:10:03,450 --> 00:10:05,441 Блэйзен, ты не обязан!
- 00:10:05,591 --> 00:10:06,801 Это моя судьба.
- 00:10:06,941 --> 00:10:10,301 Он прав, Морти. Такова его участь. Не мешай ему.
- 00:10:12,752 --> 00:10:15,492 Кровь за кровь. Конча за кончу.
- 00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:19,383 О нет! Не дотянуться!
- 00:10:19,463 --> 00:10:21,003 Дурак!
- 00:10:21,463 --> 00:10:22,993 Что? В них удобно!
- 00:10:23,073 --> 00:10:24,534 Попробуйте.
- 00:10:26,224 --> 00:10:28,244 Вот и всё. Я мертвец.
- 00:10:28,444 --> 00:10:30,155 Морти, встреться с моей женой.
- 00:10:30,235 --> 00:10:32,475 Скажи, что я не носил её стринги.
- 00:10:32,555 --> 00:10:36,286 Это копия плаката из «Спортс Иллюстрейтед» с Кэти Айрленд.
- 00:10:36,366 --> 00:10:38,216 Э-это моя жена! Мы трахаемся!
- 00:10:38,296 --> 00:10:41,026 Стоп, подержи фото, и мы займёмся сексом напоследок.
- 00:10:41,106 --> 00:10:42,677 Я могу себе отсосать.
- 00:10:42,757 --> 00:10:43,847 Что?!
- 00:10:45,257 --> 00:10:48,318 Мы в нём ошиблись. Он даже время не выиграл.
- 00:10:49,598 --> 00:10:51,898 Морти, готовься к фейерверкам.
- 00:10:57,969 --> 00:11:01,950 Мерзость. Впервые я пожалел, что остался жив.
- 00:11:02,030 --> 00:11:03,260 Стоп, а это что за нахуй?
- 00:11:03,340 --> 00:11:05,380 Я говорю, вы молчите!
- 00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:11,561 Я королева спермы! И ты представляешь для меня особый интерес.
- 00:11:11,771 --> 00:11:13,612 Эй, это же, блядь, мои вещи!
- 00:11:13,722 --> 00:11:16,942 И зачем тебе машина для дрочки из больницы моей дочери?
- 00:11:17,032 --> 00:11:19,253 Она нужна нам для создания армии.
- 00:11:19,333 --> 00:11:21,683 И не только она, тупица. Ещё и конь!
- 00:11:21,763 --> 00:11:25,674 О, но наш жеребец уже здесь. Я права, Морти?
- 00:11:26,164 --> 00:11:28,234 Или лучше сказать, отец.
- 00:11:28,924 --> 00:11:31,945 Морти, ах ты мерзкий, лживый всадник апокалипсиса!
- 00:11:32,035 --> 00:11:32,985 П-прости!
- 00:11:34,215 --> 00:11:36,445 И как оно? Потрясно!
- 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:38,807 Рик, прости!
- 00:11:38,887 --> 00:11:43,046 Я не думал, что если присовывать конской машине, настанет конец света!
- 00:11:43,126 --> 00:11:44,275 Понимаю, я виноват!
- 00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:47,915 Я не приму извинения, стоя в ловушке, как Трахан Соло.
- 00:11:47,995 --> 00:11:50,224 Ты виноват в том, что стыдишься нас, Морти.
- 00:11:50,304 --> 00:11:53,793 Сколько миллионов распрощались с жизнью за тебя,
- 00:11:53,873 --> 00:11:55,943 отправляясь в неизвестность
- 00:11:56,033 --> 00:11:58,482 и в итоге оказываясь выброшенными на поверхность уродливого носка
- 00:11:58,562 --> 00:12:01,621 или аккуратно сложенного кусочка туалетной бумаги?!
- 00:12:01,741 --> 00:12:03,061 Откуда ты знаешь?!
- 00:12:03,161 --> 00:12:06,080 О, сладкий, ведь мы – частичка тебя.
- 00:12:06,220 --> 00:12:08,080 Мы – воплощение твоего стыда.
- 00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:12,879 А когда мы кончим с тобой, армия спермы захватит весь мир!
- 00:12:12,979 --> 00:12:14,868 Включить аппарат!
- 00:12:14,948 --> 00:12:17,118 - Рик, сделай что-нибудь! - Сейчас.
- 00:12:20,557 --> 00:12:23,056 - Чт-что ты сделал? - Отвернулся от тебя.
- 00:12:23,136 --> 00:12:24,836 О нет. О...
- 00:12:24,926 --> 00:12:29,195 Да, конец близок! Последние слова?
- 00:12:31,464 --> 00:12:32,484 Липко!
- 00:12:32,604 --> 00:12:34,564 Фу. Знаю, ты не мастер слова, но...
- 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,973 Нет-нет-нет! Мой друг-сперматозоид здесь!
- 00:12:37,053 --> 00:12:38,383 Не давай им имена.
- 00:12:41,362 --> 00:12:43,502 Дураки! Вам меня не победить!
- 00:12:43,592 --> 00:12:46,241 Женщина-кикбоксёр вам не по зубам!
- 00:12:50,150 --> 00:12:51,450 И это всё, что ты можешь?
- 00:12:54,779 --> 00:12:57,178 Слушай, хреновые у тебя ловушки.
- 00:12:57,258 --> 00:12:58,758 Убить их!
- 00:13:08,116 --> 00:13:11,355 Да! Ура! Надо было всё тебе рассказать.
- 00:13:11,445 --> 00:13:15,974 Сначала спасём мир. Заложим бомбы и обесплодим этот каньон.
- 00:13:18,073 --> 00:13:20,233 В Аризоне бывают землетрясения?
- 00:13:24,852 --> 00:13:28,191 Они спешат в Вегас. Это логично по многим параметрам.
- 00:13:28,321 --> 00:13:30,910 Но почему сейчас? Что за?
- 00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:34,709 Поприветствуйте профессора Шабубу и его яйцеклетку.
- 00:13:34,799 --> 00:13:36,609 Алло. Никого не забыли?
- 00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:37,569 Да, прости.
- 00:13:37,649 --> 00:13:40,338 Спасибо труппе Цирка дю Солей «Зуманити»
- 00:13:40,418 --> 00:13:42,598 за впечатляющую эротическую рутину.
- 00:13:42,708 --> 00:13:44,557 Мистер президент. Звонит Рик Санчес.
- 00:13:44,637 --> 00:13:46,307 Хорошо. Включай его на громкую.
- 00:13:46,457 --> 00:13:51,276 Так-так-так. Не благодаря тебе мы заманили сперму в гигантскую яйцеклетку.
- 00:13:51,356 --> 00:13:53,715 Хотя, фигурально выражаясь, Вегаса бы хватило.
- 00:13:53,895 --> 00:13:55,925 Яйцеклеткой? Г-где ты её взял?
- 00:13:56,024 --> 00:14:00,054 Хороший вопрос. У твоей внучки. Хоть какой-то от тебя прок.
- 00:14:00,154 --> 00:14:03,173 Мистер президент, это Морти. Сперма – моя. Вся моя.
- 00:14:03,253 --> 00:14:03,693 Что?
- 00:14:03,793 --> 00:14:05,232 Я малолетний извращенец.
- 00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:07,832 Я целую неделю ублажал себя аппаратом для животных,
- 00:14:07,912 --> 00:14:09,301 и моя сперма превратилась в чудовищ!
- 00:14:09,381 --> 00:14:12,411 Да, всё это было ложью! Мне было стыдно!
- 00:14:12,491 --> 00:14:16,860 И правильно! Все мы были молоды, но надо уметь сдерживаться.
- 00:14:16,950 --> 00:14:21,488 Не пускайте их к яйцеклетке, мистер президент. Иначе вы создадите...
- 00:14:23,108 --> 00:14:24,278 ...дитя инцеста.
- 00:14:24,408 --> 00:14:25,747 Что? Кто тебе сказал?
- 00:14:25,827 --> 00:14:27,377 Что? Мы о другом говорили.
- 00:14:27,477 --> 00:14:29,287 А, ладно. За нами.
- 00:14:29,367 --> 00:14:33,276 Это сперма Морти. Мы сотворим большое дитя инцеста.
- 00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:36,205 Ну теперь все мы в заднице.
- 00:14:36,365 --> 00:14:38,025 Запускай её! Немедленно!
- 00:14:38,105 --> 00:14:39,994 - На это нужно полчаса. - Что? Зачем?
- 00:14:40,074 --> 00:14:42,304 Столько занимает запуск в космос.
- 00:14:42,384 --> 00:14:45,723 Никто не знает, ведь показывают только десять секунд.
- 00:14:47,242 --> 00:14:48,042 Помогите мне.
- 00:14:48,122 --> 00:14:50,342 Эй, это же твоя идея, нет?
- 00:14:50,422 --> 00:14:54,721 Ладно, ладно. Никакой паники, господа. Есть простое решение.
- 00:14:55,021 --> 00:14:56,720 Увидимся в аду!
- 00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,470 Не понимаю, как это поможет.
- 00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:02,449 Выставить оцепление! Защищать яйцеклетку всеми силами!
- 00:15:02,529 --> 00:15:06,888 Всегда знал, что твои гормоны разожгут войну между людьми и Конибалами.
- 00:15:06,968 --> 00:15:08,787 Но не думал, что это будет так!
- 00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:09,907 Такова моя природа.
- 00:15:10,007 --> 00:15:14,046 Ты, что, скорпион из легенд Навахо? Все могут измениться, Морти.
- 00:15:14,126 --> 00:15:15,496 Это свойственно людям.
- 00:15:15,576 --> 00:15:18,165 Вот Железный человек, Дауни, был почти что бомжом.
- 00:15:18,245 --> 00:15:21,914 Он спал в кустах. Его личный агент ловил его сачком для бабочек.
- 00:15:21,994 --> 00:15:25,204 Молчать! Рик Санчес, тебе известно, почему ты здесь.
- 00:15:25,293 --> 00:15:26,633 Да. Из-за своего внука.
- 00:15:26,733 --> 00:15:28,443 Ты переспал с моей дочерью!
- 00:15:28,533 --> 00:15:30,052 Переспал? Вот, чёрт, и правда.
- 00:15:30,322 --> 00:15:33,672 Простите, Ваше Конибальство. С этого момента я изменюсь.
- 00:15:33,771 --> 00:15:36,621 Ты пришёл в королевство Конибалов за прощением?
- 00:15:36,701 --> 00:15:40,260 Конибалы не прощают людей! Конибалы едят людей!
- 00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:42,070 Это слишком, даже для нас.
- 00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:43,249 Потише, Морти.
- 00:15:43,329 --> 00:15:45,189 Приготовь! Ням-ням!
- 00:15:45,269 --> 00:15:49,258 Поперчи! Вот так! И сожри! Ням-ням!
- 00:15:49,338 --> 00:15:53,417 Но не кость! О нет! Мой живот! Ай-ай!
- 00:15:53,497 --> 00:15:55,756 Отец! Прекрати это безумие!
- 00:15:55,836 --> 00:15:57,156 Принцесса Поньетта!
- 00:15:57,236 --> 00:16:00,315 Не смей убивать Рико! Я... я люблю его!
- 00:16:00,395 --> 00:16:01,545 - Что?! - Как же так?!
- 00:16:01,655 --> 00:16:04,534 Да, и-и я тебя люблю, принцесса Поньетта.
- 00:16:04,614 --> 00:16:07,464 Это запретная любовь. Дочь моя, ты Конибал.
- 00:16:07,584 --> 00:16:10,183 А Рик – человек. И очень старый.
- 00:16:10,293 --> 00:16:12,082 Ты не оставил мне выбора!
- 00:16:12,162 --> 00:16:14,822 Согласно семнадцатой статье Коньституции,
- 00:16:14,902 --> 00:16:17,851 я наделяю Рика Санчеса коньмунитетом
- 00:16:17,931 --> 00:16:22,870 и требую лошадиного перемирия между конибалами и людьми.
- 00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:24,879 На каком основании?
- 00:16:24,959 --> 00:16:28,299 На том, что Рико – отец моего ребёнка.
- 00:16:28,419 --> 00:16:31,648 - У меня наследник. - У меня проблемы с наркотиками.
- 00:16:31,738 --> 00:16:35,777 Пророчество исполнилось! И ещё, кто обронил свиток?
- 00:16:35,857 --> 00:16:38,136 Это я. Он мой. Простите.
- 00:16:41,706 --> 00:16:43,005 Откуда вы это взяли?
- 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:43,965 Мы в Вегасе.
- 00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:45,425 Сэр! Жители эвакуированы.
- 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,204 Но нас сметут в два счёта.
- 00:16:47,314 --> 00:16:50,353 Привлеките работников Вегаса. Все сегодня патриоты.
- 00:16:50,433 --> 00:16:51,363 Даже я!
- 00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:53,443 Три шага назад, Удивительный Джонатан.
- 00:16:53,523 --> 00:16:55,832 Мужчины со стволами. И метафора, и нет.
- 00:16:55,912 --> 00:16:57,092 И не говори.
- 00:16:57,552 --> 00:17:01,741 Готовьтесь, парни! Последнее, что миру нужно – это дитя инцеста.
- 00:17:01,831 --> 00:17:03,370 Внимание! Они близко!
- 00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:04,300 Супер!
- 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,230 Не подпускать ни единого сперматозоида к яйцеклетке.
- 00:17:10,839 --> 00:17:13,408 А не стоит заняться вот тем бомб-ладеном?
- 00:17:13,488 --> 00:17:17,007 Не вмешивайтесь. Мужчинам виднее, что с ними делать.
- 00:17:19,797 --> 00:17:23,076 Готова взять всё на себя, не ожидая благодарности?
- 00:17:23,186 --> 00:17:25,285 От-Нэнси-Рэгайним эту мразь.
- 00:17:39,032 --> 00:17:41,421 Чёрт! Их не сдержать! У нас нет людей.
- 00:17:41,551 --> 00:17:43,251 Зато есть кони!
- 00:17:44,641 --> 00:17:49,410 Во имя Леди Свободы! Этот кобылин сын, Рик, положил конец войне с конибалами.
- 00:17:49,530 --> 00:17:50,289 Наконец-то мир!
- 00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:51,969 - Слава Богу! - Мы с ними братья!
- 00:17:53,999 --> 00:17:56,608 Рико! Мы нужны бескопытным!
- 00:17:56,718 --> 00:17:59,017 За дело! Конибалдони! Хо-хо-хо!
- 00:17:59,107 --> 00:18:01,587 Конибалдони! Хо-хо-хо!
- 00:18:10,265 --> 00:18:12,764 Мам! Обещаю предохраняться даже при анале.
- 00:18:12,844 --> 00:18:15,693 Так, нам предстоит длинный разговор.
- 00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:36,129 Это твоё сердце?
- 00:18:36,209 --> 00:18:38,508 Отсылка к «Это твоя карта?» У тебя нет сердца.
- 00:18:38,658 --> 00:18:40,428 Но это какой-то органоид,
- 00:18:40,558 --> 00:18:43,007 что снабжает эндоплазматической ретикулой твою мембрану.
- 00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:45,636 То есть работает, как сердце.
- 00:18:45,786 --> 00:18:49,415 Так что спрошу ещё раз. Это твоё сердце?
- 00:18:50,025 --> 00:18:51,045 Морти, смотри!
- 00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:55,254 Тебе не победить меня, Рик! Яйцеклетка – моя!
- 00:18:55,354 --> 00:18:57,304 Липко, вперёд, дружок!
- 00:19:00,353 --> 00:19:02,212 Нет!
- 00:19:02,862 --> 00:19:04,102 Липко!
- 00:19:06,781 --> 00:19:07,681 Блядь!
- 00:19:07,761 --> 00:19:08,461 Сердце бьётся.
- 00:19:08,541 --> 00:19:09,641 Да пошло оно!
- 00:19:09,721 --> 00:19:12,490 Это человек. А впереди как раз выборы.
- 00:19:12,590 --> 00:19:14,360 - Сделайте что-нибудь! - Нет.
- 00:19:17,819 --> 00:19:19,718 Пусть космос разбирается.
- 00:19:19,998 --> 00:19:23,807 Вот отстой. Ты Кэти Айрленд из «Спортс Иллюстрейтед».
- 00:19:23,897 --> 00:19:28,966 Ты был с моим мужем, когда тот умер. Прошу, скажи, он был в моих стрингах?
- 00:19:29,826 --> 00:19:32,355 Наверняка он просил не говорить.
- 00:19:32,665 --> 00:19:35,045 Он стыдился этого. Но не должен был.
- 00:19:35,655 --> 00:19:37,364 Надеюсь, что он был в них.
- 00:19:37,924 --> 00:19:40,933 Всегда будь честен. Иногда это больно.
- 00:19:41,063 --> 00:19:44,323 А иногда полезно. Всегда будь честен.
- 00:19:45,172 --> 00:19:47,072 Да-да, он-он был в стрингах.
- 00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:49,151 Вот свинья извращенская!
- 00:19:49,941 --> 00:19:53,161 Итак, подводя все итоги, очень важно, что...
- 00:19:53,270 --> 00:19:54,850 Заткнись, Морти. У меня свой эпилог.
- 00:19:54,930 --> 00:19:57,240 О, Рико! Я люблю тебя!
- 00:19:57,410 --> 00:19:58,299 Докажи.
- 00:20:00,319 --> 00:20:02,598 Обожаю целовать эти лошадиные зубы.
- 00:20:02,678 --> 00:20:04,148 Будто кафель лижу.
- 00:20:05,188 --> 00:20:08,167 Ну всё, настала пора стать честным мужчиной.
- 00:20:08,257 --> 00:20:10,666 Я отдам всё. Все девять ярдов – твои.
- 00:20:11,096 --> 00:20:13,466 Рико, мне кажется, что я рожаю.
- 00:20:13,566 --> 00:20:15,155 О чёрт! Вот блядь! Рожаешь?
- 00:20:15,235 --> 00:20:17,175 Боже мой! Как чудесно!
- 00:20:21,864 --> 00:20:25,003 О! Фига! Так нам не нужно растить его?
- 00:20:25,083 --> 00:20:26,983 Нет. Они с рождения самостоятельны.
- 00:20:27,103 --> 00:20:29,932 Класс. Круто. Ну, пока.
- 00:20:30,012 --> 00:20:31,362 Да, береги себя, Рик.
- 00:20:31,442 --> 00:20:32,581 Да, и ты.
- 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,320 Легко отделались.
- 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,252 Прошу разрешить открыть панель.
- 00:21:12,352 --> 00:21:13,572 Разрешение дано.
- 00:21:13,692 --> 00:21:15,031 Открываю панель.
- 00:21:16,841 --> 00:21:20,400 Астронавт, замечен скачок давления. Что случилось?
- 00:21:20,510 --> 00:21:23,159 Если честно, оглядываясь на Землю,
- 00:21:23,279 --> 00:21:26,059 я задумываюсь о людях, которые остались там.
- 00:21:26,199 --> 00:21:29,068 О жене, о сыне, которым она меня удерживает.
- 00:21:29,148 --> 00:21:31,157 Я старался быть хорошим отцом, правда.
- 00:21:31,237 --> 00:21:34,497 Но потом понял, что моё призвание – быть астронавтом.
- 00:21:34,617 --> 00:21:36,336 Громадный плюс того, что я здесь –
- 00:21:36,416 --> 00:21:41,095 это то, что я забываю о чувстве вины за то, что бросил свою семью.
- 00:21:42,395 --> 00:21:44,334 Простите, Хьюстон, я что-то слышу.
- 00:21:44,464 --> 00:21:47,664 Мы ничего не слышим. Нет, стоп, там что-то большое!
- 00:21:47,774 --> 00:21:49,353 И оно движется на вас!
- 00:21:49,463 --> 00:21:52,133 Боже мой! Нет! Это невозможно!
- 00:21:52,253 --> 00:21:55,002 Астронавт, что там? Что вы видите?
- 00:21:55,132 --> 00:21:56,871 Свою совесть.
- 00:21:57,001 --> 00:21:59,301 Астронавт! Астронавт! Вы слышите?
- 00:22:00,481 --> 00:22:02,850 Боже. Я не буду по нему скучать.
- 00:22:02,930 --> 00:22:04,650 И я. Такой душный.
- 00:00:06,898 --> 00:00:08,733 Mom! We're gonna miss the movie!
- 00:00:08,768 --> 00:00:11,241 No, we're not. Okay, but we've been here for hours.
- 00:00:11,276 --> 00:00:13,375 I-I don't want to hang out at the stupid horse hospital.
- 00:00:13,410 --> 00:00:16,004 This stupid horse hospital puts dinner on your table.
- 00:00:16,039 --> 00:00:18,182 It wouldn't kill you to take an interest.
- 00:00:20,384 --> 00:00:22,252 W-What's this thing? I-In the middle of the room?
- 00:00:22,287 --> 00:00:23,847 With -- With the hole in the end?
- 00:00:23,882 --> 00:00:26,190 That's a breeding mount. The nurses use it to collect...
- 00:00:26,225 --> 00:00:28,192 reproductive material.
- 00:00:40,734 --> 00:00:42,569 Okay, let's go see this latest piece of Marvel shit
- 00:00:42,604 --> 00:00:43,867 you kids are jizzing over.
- 00:00:43,902 --> 00:00:45,737 Yeah. A-About time.
- 00:00:45,772 --> 00:00:48,245 So, d-does your hospital ever need, like,
- 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:49,873 after-school volunteers?
- 00:00:49,908 --> 00:00:51,941 Wow. Who are you and where did you put my son?
- 00:00:51,976 --> 00:00:53,415 Ha! No, no. Seriously.
- 00:00:53,450 --> 00:00:55,747 I-I'm very interested in -- in your work.
- 00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:02,952 Morty, you dirty little doggy.
- 00:01:04,395 --> 00:01:06,626 Ugh! Come on!
- 00:01:08,894 --> 00:01:10,432 Hey, Rick.
- 00:01:10,467 --> 00:01:12,137 Oh, hey, kiddo. How's your Saturday?
- 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:14,029 You know, super chill. W-W-Whatcha doin'?
- 00:01:14,064 --> 00:01:15,536 Eh, nothing adventurous.
- 00:01:15,571 --> 00:01:17,406 You know that race of Underground Dwelling Cannibal
- 00:01:17,441 --> 00:01:18,902 Horse People that we're always fighting?
- 00:01:18,937 --> 00:01:20,607 Yeah, the CHUDs. W-W-What about 'em?
- 00:01:20,642 --> 00:01:22,477 Well, don't tell anybody, but I'm working on
- 00:01:22,512 --> 00:01:24,149 a bioweapon to use against them,
- 00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:26,613 so I got this barrel of horse semen from your mom's hospital
- 00:01:26,648 --> 00:01:28,120 and I'm just gonna, you know,
- 00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:29,946 subject it to some otherworldly forces.
- 00:01:29,981 --> 00:01:31,882 Guess I should test it, make sure it's --
- 00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:33,719 Make sure it's what?! Horse semen, obviously.
- 00:01:33,754 --> 00:01:35,457 Okay, but it says it is right on the barrel!
- 00:01:35,492 --> 00:01:37,129 You're not being very scientific, Morty.
- 00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:39,164 Measure twice, cut once. Especially with semen.
- 00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:41,133 Did you even ask Mom if you could have this?!
- 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:43,630 Morty, if I wanted to steal horse semen, I'd --
- 00:01:43,665 --> 00:01:46,061 Yes, I asked her. What is at stake for you here?
- 00:01:46,096 --> 00:01:48,965 Why don't you trust labels?! All right! Fine! I won't test it!
- 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,770 God damn. Your generation really picks random hills to die on.
- 00:01:51,805 --> 00:01:53,574 Don't get too close.
- 00:01:53,609 --> 00:01:55,180 I'm running an inhuman amount of power through this semen.
- 00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:57,105 Should be safe, though, since the semen itself is,
- 00:01:57,140 --> 00:01:59,844 you know, also inhuman. Here we go.
- 00:02:13,992 --> 00:02:15,332 W-What happened?!
- 00:02:15,367 --> 00:02:16,828 The sperm, Morty!
- 00:02:16,863 --> 00:02:18,797 They're super monster sperm now! I blame myself.
- 00:02:18,832 --> 00:02:21,096 Unless there was something about the sperm I didn't know.
- 00:02:21,131 --> 00:02:22,999 Are you -- Are you saying that to mess with me?
- 00:02:23,034 --> 00:02:24,341 What? Mess with you how?
- 00:02:24,376 --> 00:02:25,936 Like, trying to get me to say something?
- 00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,806 Morty, I have no idea what you're talking about!
- 00:02:27,841 --> 00:02:29,181 For real? Yes!
- 00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:32,217 Okay. Good. Then -- Then it's your fault!
- 00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:05,745 Beth: Dad, what the hell is going on?!
- 00:03:05,780 --> 00:03:07,384 Beth, sweetheart, Can you give me a minute?
- 00:03:07,419 --> 00:03:09,584 I'm trying to steer around the bodies of our neighbors.
- 00:03:09,619 --> 00:03:10,915 Oh, that felt like Gene.
- 00:03:10,950 --> 00:03:12,488 That's on you, Beth. Dad, I swear--
- 00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:14,050 Mom, it's -- it's not Rick's fault, it's --
- 00:03:14,085 --> 00:03:15,854 Space Sperm. What?!
- 00:03:15,889 --> 00:03:17,361 Yeah. Space Sperm.
- 00:03:17,396 --> 00:03:19,396 I-I've seen em' before, but n-n-never like this.
- 00:03:19,431 --> 00:03:20,694 Space Sperm?!
- 00:03:20,729 --> 00:03:22,190 Sperm from Space?
- 00:03:22,225 --> 00:03:24,060 Very impressive verbal forensic work, Jerry.
- 00:03:24,095 --> 00:03:26,194 Holy shit. How big are space dicks?
- 00:03:26,229 --> 00:03:28,900 Don't answer that! Damn, they must be huge.
- 00:03:30,970 --> 00:03:32,574 Oh!
- 00:03:35,810 --> 00:03:37,249 Oh, shit, oh, shit, shit.
- 00:03:43,081 --> 00:03:44,586 Mr. Sanchez!
- 00:03:44,621 --> 00:03:47,490 The President is very eager to speak with you!
- 00:03:50,154 --> 00:03:51,890 Morty, look, you gotta do me a solid here.
- 00:03:51,925 --> 00:03:53,793 Y-you want me to keep the secret of where these things came from?
- 00:03:53,828 --> 00:03:55,960 Yes, technically, it's a lie, but I messed up,
- 00:03:55,995 --> 00:03:58,402 and I'm embarrassed 'cause it's, you know, science.
- 00:03:58,437 --> 00:04:00,635 No problem. I got your back, dawg.
- 00:04:00,670 --> 00:04:02,769 Really? Okay. Cool. And thanks, Morty.
- 00:04:02,804 --> 00:04:04,199 I thought that'd be a harder sell.
- 00:04:04,234 --> 00:04:05,739 Y-You did a shameful thing.
- 00:04:05,774 --> 00:04:07,708 Dwelling on it isn't gonna help, you know, am I right?
- 00:04:07,743 --> 00:04:09,644 Sometimes you just gotta wipe it off,
- 00:04:09,679 --> 00:04:12,284 toss it in the trash, and head back to study hall.
- 00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:14,616 Uh, not getting the metaphor but I'll take your hall pass.
- 00:04:14,651 --> 00:04:16,882 Sanchez! Get the hell in here!
- 00:04:16,917 --> 00:04:18,620 Space Sperm?
- 00:04:18,655 --> 00:04:21,216 Jesus, how big are space dicks? Same page club.
- 00:04:21,251 --> 00:04:23,559 Well, Mr. President, the theory of Cosmic DNA
- 00:04:23,594 --> 00:04:25,891 has been around for decades -- Chupacabras, Yeti,
- 00:04:25,926 --> 00:04:27,794 Stonehenge, Ancient Rome.
- 00:04:27,829 --> 00:04:30,159 Are these all myths, monsters, legends,
- 00:04:30,194 --> 00:04:32,733 or different names for sperm from outer space?
- 00:04:32,768 --> 00:04:34,130 I'll tell you what I think, Sanchez.
- 00:04:34,165 --> 00:04:35,835 I think either you caused this mess,
- 00:04:35,870 --> 00:04:38,134 or it's those godforsaken Horse People that dwell underground.
- 00:04:38,169 --> 00:04:39,608 CHUDs. CHUDs. That's them.
- 00:04:39,643 --> 00:04:42,072 Ugh, if they're behind this, so help me, God.
- 00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:44,140 Morty, you've always been a straight shooter.
- 00:04:44,175 --> 00:04:45,845 You can't prove that! Wait, what?
- 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,748 Oh -- oh. Right. I can protect you, little man.
- 00:04:47,783 --> 00:04:49,244 Blow that whistle. Toot, toot.
- 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:50,586 Is this your grandpa's fault?
- 00:04:50,621 --> 00:04:51,851 Here's what I know, sir.
- 00:04:51,886 --> 00:04:53,589 This is the greatest country on Earth.
- 00:04:53,624 --> 00:04:55,426 It invented apple pies and lasers.
- 00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:57,362 Mm. Keep talking. And that sperm...
- 00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:58,693 We don't know nothin' about it.
- 00:04:58,728 --> 00:05:00,794 Then the CHUDs just got themselves a war.
- 00:05:00,829 --> 00:05:03,434 And you just dodged a personal drone strike.
- 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:05,161 Hello! Hello. Sorry, I'm late.
- 00:05:05,196 --> 00:05:07,636 This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm.
- 00:05:07,671 --> 00:05:09,935 Thanks for getting here so fast. My schedule was wide open.
- 00:05:09,970 --> 00:05:12,773 I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival,
- 00:05:12,808 --> 00:05:14,775 a-and if my calculations are correct,
- 00:05:14,810 --> 00:05:16,271 they have gathered here.
- 00:05:16,306 --> 00:05:19,384 Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon?
- 00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:22,816 Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious?
- 00:05:22,851 --> 00:05:25,280 Oh, you can't be serious. Are we in middle school?
- 00:05:25,315 --> 00:05:26,820 You think sperm are instinctively
- 00:05:26,855 --> 00:05:28,657 heading for America's -- Don't high-road us, lady.
- 00:05:28,692 --> 00:05:29,955 It's where they went.
- 00:05:29,990 --> 00:05:31,495 Now, how do we deal with these...
- 00:05:31,530 --> 00:05:33,992 "Orgasogoblins"? No takers?
- 00:05:34,027 --> 00:05:36,401 Okay. These... "Cumplestiltskins?"
- 00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:38,832 No? Dumb? These, uh, "Skeet Boogins?"
- 00:05:38,867 --> 00:05:40,130 Oh, yeah, yeah, Skeet Boogins.
- 00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,703 Really? Skeet Boogins?
- 00:05:41,738 --> 00:05:43,474 We'll use it as a placeholder and beat it later.
- 00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:44,970 Mr. President, i-if I may?
- 00:05:45,005 --> 00:05:47,203 Luckily, I was able to secure a specimen.
- 00:05:47,238 --> 00:05:49,843 Now, obviously our first steps will be to analyze its DNA
- 00:05:49,878 --> 00:05:52,208 and figure out what these beautiful creat--
- 00:05:52,243 --> 00:05:55,486 Oh, why?! It-it had a gun!
- 00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:58,148 Are you out of your mind bringing an armed sperm in here?
- 00:05:58,183 --> 00:05:59,391 But they can't hold guns!
- 00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:01,052 The boy literally never lies!
- 00:06:01,087 --> 00:06:02,526 Look, if you want these things gone,
- 00:06:02,561 --> 00:06:04,528 give Rick and me a plane and some nukes.
- 00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:06,354 We'll wipe 'em out and leave no trace of them.
- 00:06:06,389 --> 00:06:07,597 Only one way to deal with it.
- 00:06:07,632 --> 00:06:08,862 He's right. I'm a scientist.
- 00:06:08,897 --> 00:06:10,160 Fair enough. Blow 'em to hell.
- 00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:11,403 What are people gonna do,
- 00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,196 complain we made the canyon grander?
- 00:06:13,231 --> 00:06:15,869 Jerry, we're being bad parents. Do something!
- 00:06:15,904 --> 00:06:18,036 I-is this water for everyone?
- 00:06:18,071 --> 00:06:21,545 Yes, and I'd love a glass. Comin' up!
- 00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:23,041 What are you doing?
- 00:06:23,076 --> 00:06:25,109 And, Rick, to make sure you don't screw anything up,
- 00:06:25,144 --> 00:06:26,682 I'm sending my best men with you.
- 00:06:26,717 --> 00:06:28,519 And women. It's a fine suggestion,
- 00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:30,455 but I doubt their leader will be a sexy queen
- 00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:31,852 that needs to be kickboxed.
- 00:06:31,887 --> 00:06:33,953 100% male Marines!
- 00:06:35,286 --> 00:06:37,352 They say cutting a sperm's throat is like
- 00:06:37,387 --> 00:06:39,222 running a warm knife through butter.
- 00:06:39,257 --> 00:06:41,928 I'm gonna make these things pregnant...with death!
- 00:06:41,963 --> 00:06:43,600 No fear! No humility!
- 00:06:43,635 --> 00:06:46,130 Both: Zero chance of consequences!
- 00:06:46,165 --> 00:06:48,132 Hey, gentlemen's bet -- which of these background Marines
- 00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:49,540 you think will last the longest?
- 00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,267 I'm not betting on human lives, Rick.
- 00:06:51,302 --> 00:06:52,807 All of these people are gonna survive,
- 00:06:52,842 --> 00:06:54,710 but obviously that guy the longest.
- 00:06:54,745 --> 00:06:56,547 Yeah, he's my pick, too. What's his name?
- 00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:59,209 Blazen? Pretty cool.
- 00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,486 Yeah. He's, like, meditating through turbulence.
- 00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:03,048 Psh. I bet if something fell,
- 00:07:03,083 --> 00:07:04,654 he'd like, catch it without opening his eyes.
- 00:07:04,689 --> 00:07:05,985 Totally. Should we throw something at him?
- 00:07:06,020 --> 00:07:07,250 I-I got a pencil somewhere.
- 00:07:10,321 --> 00:07:12,728 Who-who's shooting at us?!
- 00:07:12,763 --> 00:07:15,324 Oh, wow, that's unexpected.
- 00:07:15,359 --> 00:07:16,765 The sperm made a catapult?!
- 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,393 A-A-Are they getting smarter?!
- 00:07:18,428 --> 00:07:20,571 No, you're getting dumber because that's a trebuchet.
- 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:21,902 Nobody knows the difference!
- 00:07:21,937 --> 00:07:23,805 They're reloading that textbook trebuchet!
- 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,644 Time to fly! Aaaaaah!
- 00:07:27,679 --> 00:07:29,074 Oh!
- 00:07:36,017 --> 00:07:37,280 We gotta keep moving.
- 00:07:37,315 --> 00:07:38,919 So cool. Not even a scratch.
- 00:07:38,954 --> 00:07:40,657 Okay, girls, and I mean that derogatorily.
- 00:07:40,692 --> 00:07:44,760 We just took a fat "L," and what we need is a fat "P."
- 00:07:44,795 --> 00:07:46,256 A plan.
- 00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:48,533 I take the lead here. You two watch the flanks.
- 00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:50,634 Blazen, bring up the-- Hey!
- 00:07:50,669 --> 00:07:53,098 Please, one person draws the plan!
- 00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:54,330 Skeeters!
- 00:07:54,365 --> 00:07:55,936 -Jipers! -Ropers!
- 00:07:55,971 --> 00:07:57,806 I'm sorry, but what the hell are we calling them?
- 00:07:57,841 --> 00:07:59,335 Agh! Oof.
- 00:07:59,370 --> 00:08:01,810 Fine. I'm dying, so I get to pick the name.
- 00:08:01,845 --> 00:08:03,977 Crispy Cremes with a "C"!
- 00:08:04,012 --> 00:08:06,881 Whoa!
- 00:08:09,919 --> 00:08:12,447 Whoa. E-Easy there, little guy. It's okay.
- 00:08:12,482 --> 00:08:14,592 I-I-It's okay.
- 00:08:16,024 --> 00:08:17,859 Do you...recognize me?
- 00:08:17,894 --> 00:08:19,861 Do you know you came from me?
- 00:08:19,896 --> 00:08:21,126 I'm Morty.
- 00:08:21,161 --> 00:08:22,534 I'll call ya "Sticky,"
- 00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:24,866 'c-'cause you're sticky and -- and you're stuck.
- 00:08:29,433 --> 00:08:30,740 Step aside, Morty.
- 00:08:30,775 --> 00:08:32,841 It's okay. Y-You don't gotta do this.
- 00:08:32,876 --> 00:08:34,502 It's haploid genetic code, Morty,
- 00:08:34,537 --> 00:08:36,306 a biological fertilizing machine.
- 00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:37,582 W-What's gotten into you?
- 00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,342 Rick, let him go.
- 00:08:39,377 --> 00:08:41,410 Ugh.
- 00:08:41,445 --> 00:08:42,719 Morty, don't fuck with me.
- 00:08:42,754 --> 00:08:44,083 What the hell's going on with you?
- 00:08:44,118 --> 00:08:47,658 I think I know exactly what's going on here.
- 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,825 Kidding. This shit is totally random.
- 00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:51,926 Let's keep moving. W-Which way?
- 00:08:53,391 --> 00:08:57,030 When one sense is bound, the others are released.
- 00:08:58,396 --> 00:09:00,671 Holy shit. He -- He can smell caves?
- 00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:02,101 I'm not trying to smell anything.
- 00:09:02,136 --> 00:09:05,335 The whole planet's a dorm room trash can.
- 00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:06,908 Sir, Rick Sanchez has gone dark.
- 00:09:06,943 --> 00:09:08,338 I knew we couldn't rely on him!
- 00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:10,010 Well, maybe the pilot got too horny
- 00:09:10,045 --> 00:09:11,506 as they approached America's Vagina.
- 00:09:11,541 --> 00:09:12,848 If you're gonna hang out in my war room,
- 00:09:12,883 --> 00:09:14,509 you can't just make snarky comments.
- 00:09:14,544 --> 00:09:16,280 At least do something useful, like Jerry.
- 00:09:16,315 --> 00:09:19,118 Right to the top, just the way you like it.
- 00:09:19,153 --> 00:09:20,515 Here's our situation.
- 00:09:20,550 --> 00:09:22,451 Rick's gone, and so are all our nukes.
- 00:09:22,486 --> 00:09:23,925 Now what?
- 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,630 None of you have an idea? I do.
- 00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:27,390 That's right, me -- the girl.
- 00:09:27,425 --> 00:09:29,359 Gentlemen, what do sperm want?
- 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,229 The same thing as a lumberjack in the morning
- 00:09:31,264 --> 00:09:32,461 or a fox at night.
- 00:09:32,496 --> 00:09:33,737 Pants! Eggs.
- 00:09:33,772 --> 00:09:35,365 Pancakes! Eggs.
- 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,202 You want to control giant sperm, you need a giant egg.
- 00:09:37,237 --> 00:09:38,709 W-W-Wait a minute. Wait -- wait a minute.
- 00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,711 Sperm are hunters. And what do sperm hunt?
- 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:42,273 Eggs. Exactly.
- 00:09:42,308 --> 00:09:44,440 And what would happen if we enlarged one?
- 00:09:44,475 --> 00:09:46,574 They'll head right for it! Get MIT on the phone.
- 00:09:46,609 --> 00:09:49,148 And get this guy a Nobel Prize.
- 00:09:49,183 --> 00:09:52,052 You became a woman today.
- 00:09:55,486 --> 00:09:57,992 So, Blazen, you got kids?
- 00:09:58,027 --> 00:09:59,895 The battlefield is my family.
- 00:09:59,930 --> 00:10:01,457 So cool. Wicked badass.
- 00:10:01,492 --> 00:10:03,327 Go. I'll hold 'em off.
- 00:10:03,362 --> 00:10:04,834 Blazen, you don't have to do this.
- 00:10:04,869 --> 00:10:06,935 Shh. It is my destiny.
- 00:10:06,970 --> 00:10:08,739 He's right, Morty. It's the price of being Blazen.
- 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:10,004 Let him do his thing.
- 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:13,942 Blood for blood.
- 00:10:13,977 --> 00:10:16,681 Cream for cream.
- 00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:19,409 Oh, no. I can't reach that!
- 00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,576 Idiot!
- 00:10:21,611 --> 00:10:22,918 What?! They're comfortable!
- 00:10:22,953 --> 00:10:24,150 You should try them!
- 00:10:24,185 --> 00:10:26,119 Eh, ah! Ohhhh.
- 00:10:26,154 --> 00:10:28,352 That'll do it. I'm worm food.
- 00:10:28,387 --> 00:10:30,156 Morty, find my wife.
- 00:10:30,191 --> 00:10:32,455 Tell her I wasn't wearing her thong.
- 00:10:32,490 --> 00:10:34,666 That's a photocopy of "Sports Illustrated"
- 00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:36,261 swimsuit model Kathy Ireland.
- 00:10:36,296 --> 00:10:38,263 It's -- it's my wife. We have sex.
- 00:10:38,298 --> 00:10:41,035 Here, hold that picture up so we can have sex one last time.
- 00:10:41,070 --> 00:10:42,707 I-I know how to suck myself.
- 00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:45,039 What?!
- 00:10:45,074 --> 00:10:46,304 Ugh, I was so wrong about this guy.
- 00:10:46,339 --> 00:10:48,108 He didn't even buy us any time.
- 00:10:49,507 --> 00:10:51,441 Morty, get ready for some fireworks.
- 00:10:55,381 --> 00:10:57,051 Ugh!
- 00:10:57,086 --> 00:10:59,119 Uh-oh. Oh, gross!
- 00:10:59,154 --> 00:11:01,957 This is the first time I've ever regretted being taken alive.
- 00:11:01,992 --> 00:11:03,519 Wait, who the fuck is that?!
- 00:11:03,554 --> 00:11:05,455 Silence in the presence of me.
- 00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:07,864 I am The Sperm Queen,
- 00:11:07,899 --> 00:11:11,703 and you are of special interest to me.
- 00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:13,661 Hey, what the fuck are you doing with my stuff?
- 00:11:13,696 --> 00:11:15,531 A-And why do you have the horse jerkoff machine
- 00:11:15,566 --> 00:11:16,807 from my daughter's hospital?
- 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,205 We need it to create our army.
- 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,636 Well, you need more than that, dummy. You need a horse.
- 00:11:21,671 --> 00:11:24,243 Oh but our stallion is already here.
- 00:11:24,278 --> 00:11:26,014 Isn't that right, Morty?
- 00:11:26,049 --> 00:11:28,753 Or shall I say... Father?
- 00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:31,822 Morty, you nasty, lying, little world-ending pervert.
- 00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:34,154 I-I-I'm sorry.
- 00:11:34,189 --> 00:11:36,189 What was it like? Fantastic!
- 00:11:37,621 --> 00:11:39,522 Rick, I'm sorry!
- 00:11:39,557 --> 00:11:41,227 I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex
- 00:11:41,262 --> 00:11:42,866 with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon.
- 00:11:42,901 --> 00:11:44,230 I-I realize that's on me.
- 00:11:44,265 --> 00:11:46,001 Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies
- 00:11:46,036 --> 00:11:47,772 while I'm stuck here as Handjob Solo.
- 00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:50,269 This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty.
- 00:11:50,304 --> 00:11:53,745 How many millions went to their graves for you,
- 00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:55,912 hurling themselves into the void,
- 00:11:55,947 --> 00:11:58,277 only to discover a grody sock
- 00:11:58,312 --> 00:12:01,544 or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?
- 00:12:01,579 --> 00:12:02,952 How do you know all this?!
- 00:12:02,987 --> 00:12:05,922 Oh, honey, because we're the very essence of you.
- 00:12:05,957 --> 00:12:08,089 We are your shame incarnate.
- 00:12:08,124 --> 00:12:09,761 And once we're through with you,
- 00:12:09,796 --> 00:12:12,764 our sperm army will take over the world!
- 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,865 Put him on the machine!
- 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,933 Rick, do something! On it.
- 00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:22,906 Wh-what did you do? I got out of your eyeline.
- 00:12:22,941 --> 00:12:24,732 Oh, no. Oh! Oh!
- 00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:27,702 Yes! The end is near!
- 00:12:27,737 --> 00:12:29,209 Any last words?
- 00:12:29,244 --> 00:12:31,574 Ohhh!
- 00:12:31,609 --> 00:12:32,916 Sticky! Gross.
- 00:12:32,951 --> 00:12:34,544 I know you're not a wordsmith, Morty, but --
- 00:12:34,579 --> 00:12:36,645 No, no, no, my-my sperm friend is here!
- 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,383 Ugh, never give 'em a name.
- 00:12:41,454 --> 00:12:43,388 Fools! You can't beat me!
- 00:12:43,423 --> 00:12:45,962 You didn't bring a woman that can kickbox!
- 00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,693 Is that all you got?
- 00:12:54,665 --> 00:12:57,270 Damn, that's some quintessential underdog shit.
- 00:12:57,305 --> 00:12:58,733 Kill them!
- 00:13:08,151 --> 00:13:09,513 Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- 00:13:09,548 --> 00:13:11,251 I-I should've told you the truth, Rick.
- 00:13:11,286 --> 00:13:12,681 Let's save the world first.
- 00:13:12,716 --> 00:13:14,419 Now, reset those nukes, and let's turn this canyon
- 00:13:14,454 --> 00:13:16,289 into a can't-yon.
- 00:13:18,029 --> 00:13:20,623 There usually earthquakes in Arizona?
- 00:13:24,794 --> 00:13:26,299 They're heading for Vegas,
- 00:13:26,334 --> 00:13:30,039 which does track on many levels, but why now?
- 00:13:30,074 --> 00:13:31,535 What the?
- 00:13:31,570 --> 00:13:33,438 President: Let's hear it for Professor Shabooboo
- 00:13:33,473 --> 00:13:35,506 and his brilliant egg. Um, hello?
- 00:13:35,541 --> 00:13:37,607 Aren't you forgetting someone? Oh, good point.
- 00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:40,346 Big thanks to the cast of Cirque Du Soleil's "Zumanity"
- 00:13:40,381 --> 00:13:42,546 for the impressive and erotic routine.
- 00:13:42,581 --> 00:13:44,515 Mr. President, Rick Sanchez is on the line.
- 00:13:44,550 --> 00:13:46,451 Good. Put that asshole on speaker.
- 00:13:46,486 --> 00:13:47,815 Well, well, well.
- 00:13:47,850 --> 00:13:49,718 No thanks to you, we're luring the sperm
- 00:13:49,753 --> 00:13:51,621 with a giant human egg, even though,
- 00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:53,557 symbolically speaking, Vegas should be enough.
- 00:13:53,592 --> 00:13:54,965 Rick: A human egg?
- 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,362 Where-where-where did you get it?
- 00:13:56,397 --> 00:13:58,331 Glad you asked. It's your granddaughter's,
- 00:13:58,366 --> 00:14:00,036 so at least you contributed something to this.
- 00:14:00,071 --> 00:14:01,532 Morty: Mister President! It's Morty!
- 00:14:01,567 --> 00:14:03,237 It's my sperm! I-It's all mine!
- 00:14:03,272 --> 00:14:05,371 What?! I'm a dirty little perverted maniac.
- 00:14:05,406 --> 00:14:07,637 I spent a week pleasuring myself with animal equipment,
- 00:14:07,672 --> 00:14:09,837 and my sperm got turned into monsters on accident
- 00:14:09,872 --> 00:14:12,378 because I kept lying about it because I was ashamed!
- 00:14:12,413 --> 00:14:13,643 You should be!
- 00:14:13,678 --> 00:14:15,018 My God, man, we were all 14 once
- 00:14:15,053 --> 00:14:16,712 but it's called self-control.
- 00:14:16,747 --> 00:14:19,154 Don't let them reach my sister's egg, Mr. President!
- 00:14:19,189 --> 00:14:20,958 You'll be making a giant --
- 00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:24,324 Incest baby.
- 00:14:24,359 --> 00:14:25,655 What? Who told you that?
- 00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,327 What? I-I was finishing his sentence.
- 00:14:27,362 --> 00:14:29,329 Oh. Right. Come with us.
- 00:14:29,364 --> 00:14:30,726 The sperm is Morty's!
- 00:14:30,761 --> 00:14:33,564 We're about to make a giant incest baby!
- 00:14:33,599 --> 00:14:36,369 Aw, well, now we're all in our darkest hour.
- 00:14:36,404 --> 00:14:38,008 Launch the egg! Launch it now!
- 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,109 B-But that'll take 30 minutes. What?! Why?!
- 00:14:40,144 --> 00:14:42,177 That's how long every space launch takes!
- 00:14:42,212 --> 00:14:43,915 No one realizes because they only show you
- 00:14:43,950 --> 00:14:46,379 the last 10 seconds!
- 00:14:46,414 --> 00:14:47,875 Uh, uh, help me out here.
- 00:14:47,910 --> 00:14:50,251 Hey, it was your idea, right?
- 00:14:50,286 --> 00:14:52,847 Okay, okay, n-no need to panic, everyone.
- 00:14:52,882 --> 00:14:54,849 I have a simple solution.
- 00:14:54,884 --> 00:14:57,423 See you all in hell!
- 00:14:57,458 --> 00:14:59,359 I don't see how that's going to help.
- 00:14:59,394 --> 00:15:02,428 Form a perimeter! Protect that egg at all costs!
- 00:15:02,463 --> 00:15:04,727 I always knew your hormones would cause a world war
- 00:15:04,762 --> 00:15:06,861 between humans and Cannibalistic Horse People.
- 00:15:06,896 --> 00:15:08,566 I just didn't know it would be like this.
- 00:15:08,601 --> 00:15:09,974 I can't change my nature.
- 00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,042 What are you, a scorpion in a Navajo fable?
- 00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,868 Everyone can change their nature, Morty.
- 00:15:13,903 --> 00:15:15,309 It's what defines our species.
- 00:15:15,344 --> 00:15:16,574 Look at Iron Man.
- 00:15:16,609 --> 00:15:18,147 That actor was an animal in the '90s,
- 00:15:18,182 --> 00:15:20,083 literally waking up in bushes.
- 00:15:20,118 --> 00:15:22,877 His agent had to catch him with a butterfly net. Silence!
- 00:15:22,912 --> 00:15:25,220 Rick Sanchez, you know why you're here.
- 00:15:25,255 --> 00:15:26,584 Yeah, it was my grandson's fault.
- 00:15:26,619 --> 00:15:28,883 You slept with my daughter! I did?
- 00:15:28,918 --> 00:15:30,324 Oh, shit, I did.
- 00:15:30,359 --> 00:15:31,820 Forgive me, Your CHUDness.
- 00:15:31,855 --> 00:15:33,327 I'm a changed man starting now.
- 00:15:33,362 --> 00:15:36,627 You come to the Kingdom of CHUDs for forgiveness?
- 00:15:36,662 --> 00:15:38,728 CHUDs don't forgive humans.
- 00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:40,334 CHUDs eat humans!
- 00:15:40,369 --> 00:15:42,138 This is out there, even for us.
- 00:15:42,173 --> 00:15:43,469 They can hear you, Morty.
- 00:15:43,504 --> 00:15:45,075 All: Boil him up! Yum, yum!
- 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,407 Spice him right! Oh, boy!
- 00:15:47,442 --> 00:15:49,343 Eat the flesh! Yum, yum!
- 00:15:49,378 --> 00:15:51,411 Not the bones! Oh, no!
- 00:15:51,446 --> 00:15:53,512 Belly ache! Ouch, Ouch!
- 00:15:53,547 --> 00:15:55,844 Stop this at once!
- 00:15:55,879 --> 00:15:58,682 Princess Poñeta! You can't kill Rícko!
- 00:15:58,717 --> 00:16:00,354 I -- I love him!
- 00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:04,259 Right! I-I love you, too, Princess Poñeta.
- 00:16:04,294 --> 00:16:05,920 This love is forbidden.
- 00:16:05,955 --> 00:16:07,493 My daughter, you are a CHUD.
- 00:16:07,528 --> 00:16:10,100 and age-inappropriate.
- 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:12,102 Then you leave me no choice.
- 00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:14,830 By the 17th Article of the CHUD-stitution,
- 00:16:14,865 --> 00:16:17,833 I offer Rícko Sanchez horsemunity
- 00:16:17,868 --> 00:16:22,508 and demand a equestri-truce between all CHUDs and humans!
- 00:16:22,543 --> 00:16:24,939 On what grounds?
- 00:16:24,974 --> 00:16:28,481 On the grounds that Rícko is the father of my child.
- 00:16:28,516 --> 00:16:29,713 I have an heir.
- 00:16:29,748 --> 00:16:31,550 I have a substance-abuse problem.
- 00:16:31,585 --> 00:16:33,651 The Prophecy has come true!
- 00:16:33,686 --> 00:16:35,785 Also, did someone drop a scroll?
- 00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:37,787 Here we go. Over here. Sorry.
- 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,067 Where did you get all that?
- 00:16:43,102 --> 00:16:44,629 -It's Vegas. -Sir!
- 00:16:44,664 --> 00:16:45,993 The Strip has been evacuated, but I'm worried
- 00:16:46,028 --> 00:16:47,533 we won't be able to hold the perimeter.
- 00:16:47,568 --> 00:16:48,963 Then deputize Las Vegas regulars.
- 00:16:48,998 --> 00:16:50,305 Everyone's a patriot today.
- 00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:51,669 Even me!
- 00:16:51,704 --> 00:16:53,341 Take three steps back, Amazing Johnathan.
- 00:16:53,376 --> 00:16:55,706 Men and their guns. Metaphorical and not.
- 00:16:55,741 --> 00:16:57,675 Tell me about it.
- 00:16:57,710 --> 00:16:59,809 Get ready, boys! The last thing this world needs
- 00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:01,811 is a giant incest baby.
- 00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:03,747 -Oorah! Here they come! -Nice!
- 00:17:03,782 --> 00:17:06,684 Do not let a single sperm get through to that egg!
- 00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:13,394 Um, should we be concerned about that scary bomb-laden one?
- 00:17:13,429 --> 00:17:14,857 Honey, let the men handle this.
- 00:17:14,892 --> 00:17:17,101 I think we know a thing or two about --
- 00:17:19,798 --> 00:17:21,765 Ugh! Ready for all the responsibility
- 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,107 with none of the credit?
- 00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:25,538 Let's Nancy Reagan this bitch.
- 00:17:25,573 --> 00:17:27,408 Ah!
- 00:17:38,817 --> 00:17:40,190 Dammit! We can't stop them.
- 00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:41,422 We don't have the manpower!
- 00:17:41,457 --> 00:17:43,017 Rick: What about horsepower?
- 00:17:44,658 --> 00:17:45,921 Sweet Lady Liberty.
- 00:17:45,956 --> 00:17:47,593 That sonofamare Rick has ended
- 00:17:47,628 --> 00:17:49,364 our centuries-long war with the CHUDs.
- 00:17:49,399 --> 00:17:51,861 -We made peace with the CHUDs! -The CHUDs are our buds!
- 00:17:54,272 --> 00:17:56,470 Rícko! The hoofless -- they need us!
- 00:17:56,505 --> 00:17:59,374 Let's do this. CHUDily dudily, ho, ho, ho!
- 00:17:59,409 --> 00:18:01,706 CHUDs: CHUDily dudily, ho, ho, ho!
- 00:18:09,815 --> 00:18:12,717 Mom, I promise to use condoms, even when it's butt stuff.
- 00:18:12,752 --> 00:18:15,489 Okay, we have a lot to talk about tonight.
- 00:18:34,774 --> 00:18:36,246 Is this your heart?
- 00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,478 It's a play on, "Is this your card?"
- 00:18:37,513 --> 00:18:38,974 You don't have a heart,
- 00:18:39,009 --> 00:18:40,448 uh, but this is probably some kind of organelle,
- 00:18:40,483 --> 00:18:41,977 in charge of pumping endoplasmic reticulum
- 00:18:42,012 --> 00:18:43,781 throughout your membrane and therefore,
- 00:18:43,816 --> 00:18:45,750 relative to you, functions as a heart.
- 00:18:45,785 --> 00:18:49,655 So, I ask you again, is this your heart?
- 00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:51,118 Morty, look!
- 00:18:51,153 --> 00:18:53,087 I won't just be thrown away, Rick!
- 00:18:53,122 --> 00:18:55,331 The egg is mine!
- 00:18:55,366 --> 00:18:57,168 Sticky! It's all you, bud!
- 00:19:00,503 --> 00:19:02,767 Noooo!
- 00:19:02,802 --> 00:19:05,803 Sticky!
- 00:19:05,838 --> 00:19:07,805 Fuck!
- 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:09,708 We got a heartbeat. Screw that!
- 00:19:09,743 --> 00:19:12,480 That's a human life, and this is an election cycle.
- 00:19:12,515 --> 00:19:14,383 You have to do something! Nope.
- 00:19:17,883 --> 00:19:19,850 It's space's problem now.
- 00:19:19,885 --> 00:19:21,687 Oh, this sucks.
- 00:19:21,722 --> 00:19:23,788 You're "Sports Illustrated"'s Kathy Ireland.
- 00:19:23,823 --> 00:19:26,153 You were with my husband, Blazen, when he died.
- 00:19:26,188 --> 00:19:29,827 Please tell me... was he wearing my thong?
- 00:19:29,862 --> 00:19:32,632 He probably told you not to tell me.
- 00:19:32,667 --> 00:19:35,635 He was ashamed of it, but he didn't need to be.
- 00:19:35,670 --> 00:19:37,835 I hope he was wearing it.
- 00:19:37,870 --> 00:19:39,309 Always be honest.
- 00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:41,003 Sometimes it will hurt people.
- 00:19:41,038 --> 00:19:44,380 Sometimes it will help. But always be honest.
- 00:19:44,415 --> 00:19:47,141 Huh. Yeah, yeah, he -- he was wearing it.
- 00:19:47,176 --> 00:19:50,045 Ew! That gross animal pig!
- 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,882 So, trying to boil this all down,
- 00:19:51,917 --> 00:19:53,257 I-I want to say it's import--
- 00:19:53,292 --> 00:19:54,819 Shut up, Morty, I got my own epilogue.
- 00:19:54,854 --> 00:19:57,261 Oh, Rícko, I love you.
- 00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,559 Prove it.
- 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,596 Oh, I love kissing those big ol' horse teeth.
- 00:20:02,631 --> 00:20:04,191 It's like lickin' tile.
- 00:20:04,226 --> 00:20:06,193 Oh! I swear...
- 00:20:06,228 --> 00:20:08,162 it's time someone made an honest man out of me.
- 00:20:08,197 --> 00:20:09,834 Whatever you need, the whole nine yards,
- 00:20:09,869 --> 00:20:11,165 you got it.
- 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,574 The thing is, Rícko... it's time.
- 00:20:13,609 --> 00:20:15,510 Oh, shit, oh, shit. It's time!
- 00:20:15,545 --> 00:20:16,940 Oh, my God, it's wonderful.
- 00:20:21,881 --> 00:20:25,014 Oh, wow. So we don't have to, you know, r-raise it?
- 00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:27,016 Nah. They're ready to go right out of the box.
- 00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:29,887 Cool, cool. So...bye?
- 00:20:29,922 --> 00:20:31,262 Yep. Take care of yourself, Rick.
- 00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:33,297 Yep. Same.
- 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:38,599 That was easy.
- 00:21:10,094 --> 00:21:12,402 Houston, permission to open the starboard panel.
- 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:13,667 Houston: Permission granted.
- 00:21:13,702 --> 00:21:16,901 Firing breach now.
- 00:21:16,936 --> 00:21:19,266 Explorer, our readouts show a pressure spike.
- 00:21:19,301 --> 00:21:20,740 Everything alright?
- 00:21:20,775 --> 00:21:23,171 Honestly, sometimes staring back at Earth
- 00:21:23,206 --> 00:21:26,108 makes me think about the people I left behind --
- 00:21:26,143 --> 00:21:29,111 my wife, the son she had to anchor me there.
- 00:21:29,146 --> 00:21:31,179 I tried to be a parent, I really did,
- 00:21:31,214 --> 00:21:34,622 but I've come to find I'm only suited to be a spaceman.
- 00:21:34,657 --> 00:21:36,085 The nicest part of being up here
- 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:37,988 is there are no reminders of the guilt
- 00:21:38,023 --> 00:21:40,958 I sometimes feel about abandoning my family.
- 00:21:42,533 --> 00:21:44,467 Sorry, Houston, I thought I heard something.
- 00:21:44,502 --> 00:21:45,963 Negative on our end.
- 00:21:45,998 --> 00:21:47,800 No, wait, there's something big
- 00:21:47,835 --> 00:21:49,538 and it's coming right at you! Goo, goo, gah, gah.
- 00:21:49,573 --> 00:21:52,442 Dear God. No! You can't be real!
- 00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:55,269 Explorer, what is it? What the hell do you see?!
- 00:21:55,304 --> 00:21:56,842 My conscience.
- 00:21:56,877 --> 00:21:58,349 Explorer! Explorer! Aaah!
- 00:21:58,384 --> 00:22:00,516 Are you there? Aaaaaah!
- 00:22:00,551 --> 00:22:02,848 Geez. Not gonna miss that guy. Aaaaah!
- 00:22:02,883 --> 00:22:04,685 Right? So dramatic.
- 00:22:06,425 --> 00:22:07,820 Man: Did you get any of that?