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Дед благодарения
После того, как Морти непреднамеренно повреждает Конституцию США, Мемориал Линкольну и Колокол Свободы (и активирует враждебного парового робота, спрятанного внутри Статуи Свободы) в День благодарения, он и Рик снова объявлены как террористы президентом Кёртисом. С домом Смитов, окружённым американскими военными и «антипортальным щитом», Рик смиряется с его «обычной уловкой» — превратиться в индейку и получить президентское помилование. Однако президент предвидел это и отправляет команду американских морских пехотинцев, превращённых в индеек, чтобы схватить Рика. Когда президент разочарован неспособностью морских пехотинцев найти Рика, он сам превращается в индейку и вступает в бой с Индейкой Риком. Во время их борьбы чип слежения, введённый в президента (чтобы идентифицировать его для превращения обратно в человека), проглатывается обычной индейкой, которая впоследствии превращается в гибрид человека и индейки и берёт на себя роль президента. Между тем, Рик, Морти и президент брошены в «кормушку» и едва отражают атаку мутировавшего, похожего на паука Франклина Рузвельта, прежде чем вернуться в дом Смитов и вернуться в свои человеческие формы. Президент-индейка быстро завоёвывает лояльность Конгресса (через серию повышений заработной платы членов Конгресса) и создаёт армию гуманоидных солдат-индюшек, обладающих сверхчеловеческими размерами и силой. Увидев это по телевизору, Рик, Морти и президент объединяют свои силы, чтобы открыть «Склеп Нового Мира» (скрытый под Мемориалом Линкольна), в котором находятся члены двух инопланетных рас. Инопланетяне, отложив в сторону свой конфликт по уничтожению «гигантских динозавров-индеек», которые когда-то доминировали в Америке, быстро устраняют гуманоидных солдат-индюшек. Затем президент-индейка запускает в космос Монумент Вашингтона (который содержит устройство, превращающее всех индеек на Земле в гуманоидных солдат-индюшек); затем оба президента вступают в битву мано-мано, в то время как Рик и Морти отправляются в космос, чтобы остановить глобальную трансформацию. Они успешно уничтожают устройство трансформации (хотя Морти разрушает монумент Вашингтона в процессе), а настоящий президент побеждает свою противоположность. После этого инопланетяне возвращаются к своему анабиозу, а Рик, Морти и президент размышляют о том, чтобы просто «быть благодарными», глядя на опустошённый битвой Вашингтон. В сцене после титров один из ранее захваченных индейками морских пехотинцев делает покупки со своей женой и новорождённым ребёнком, когда опрокидывается тележка с голубикой. Он демонстрирует ряд индюшачьих способностей, прежде чем навязчиво съесть голубику с пола, пока зеваки наблюдают, а его жена плачет, обнимая своего ребенка.
- 00:00:13,460 --> 00:00:15,210 А мы потом вернём её обратно?
- 00:00:15,290 --> 00:00:17,720 Зачем? На ней только карта сокровищ представляет ценность.
- 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,610 Остальное – это инструкции, как править страной.
- 00:00:19,690 --> 00:00:20,900 И они точно есть в Сети.
- 00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:22,180 Как-то это неправильно.
- 00:00:22,260 --> 00:00:24,100 Морти, ты кто — задрот по истории Америки
- 00:00:24,180 --> 00:00:27,170 или крутой чувак, готовый спереть конституцию с дедушкой?
- 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,710 Подержи, пока я взламываю герметичный затвор.
- 00:00:31,790 --> 00:00:33,800 М-может, ещё разок пальнуть?
- 00:00:40,860 --> 00:00:42,380 Морти, ты только что уничтожил карту
- 00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:45,060 да ещё пробудил убийцу, спрятанную в статуе Свободы.
- 00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:46,230 Прости. П-погоди, чего?
- 00:00:46,310 --> 00:00:48,410 Троянский конь, Морти. Французам верить нельзя.
- 00:00:48,490 --> 00:00:51,380 Веселье весельем, но теперь правительство снова будет в бешенстве.
- 00:00:51,460 --> 00:00:53,450 Молодец. Да ещё и в день рождения Америки.
- 00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:56,180 Ну или чем там считается сраный День благодарения.
- 00:01:23,930 --> 00:01:27,900 РИК И МОРТИ
- 00:01:29,150 --> 00:01:32,850 Рик и Морти, вы арестованы и окружены антипортальным щитом.
- 00:01:32,930 --> 00:01:34,310 Выходите с поднятыми руками.
- 00:01:34,390 --> 00:01:36,310 Счастливого мне Дня благодарения.
- 00:01:36,390 --> 00:01:38,970 Поскорее бы узнать, как этот щит повлияет на простату.
- 00:01:39,050 --> 00:01:41,150 Пап, ты можешь покончить с этой ерундой?
- 00:01:41,230 --> 00:01:42,970 Понимаю, что вы расстроены, господин президент.
- 00:01:43,050 --> 00:01:44,280 Это Морти накосячил.
- 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:48,700 И лучше вам убрать с лужайки армию своих бойскаутов в бесполезном камуфляже.
- 00:01:48,810 --> 00:01:51,270 Не указывай, что мне делать, антиамериканский кусок дерьма.
- 00:01:51,350 --> 00:01:51,970 Террорист!
- 00:01:52,050 --> 00:01:54,790 Вы так часто говорите это слово, что оно потеряло смысл, мистер П.
- 00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:57,630 Кто у нас нынче считается террористом? Чувак, который тебе не нравится?
- 00:01:57,710 --> 00:01:58,420 Велика беда.
- 00:01:58,500 --> 00:01:59,950 Ура!
- 00:02:04,070 --> 00:02:07,400 Я же говорил, что не стоит. Вы потеряли двух бойцов, хороших людей.
- 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,260 Посмотрите на террориста в зеркале.
- 00:02:09,340 --> 00:02:10,340 Войны захотел?
- 00:02:10,420 --> 00:02:12,910 Я запихну твою косможопу в фантомную зону,
- 00:02:13,010 --> 00:02:14,540 обмазав твою шею криптонитовым мылом.
- 00:02:14,620 --> 00:02:16,460 Тебе крышка, Санчес! Ты понял?
- 00:02:16,540 --> 00:02:17,970 На этот раз он сильно разозлился.
- 00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:19,650 Может, поебётесь, и дело с концом?
- 00:02:19,730 --> 00:02:22,390 Большое спасибо, Саммер, но у меня есть вариант получше.
- 00:02:22,470 --> 00:02:24,790 - Пап, не надо. - Мои руки связаны, милая.
- 00:02:24,870 --> 00:02:26,190 Придётся превратить себя в индейку
- 00:02:26,270 --> 00:02:28,780 и обдурить президента, чтобы получить индюшачье помилование.
- 00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:30,990 Опять? Сколько раз ты это уже делал?
- 00:02:31,090 --> 00:02:32,750 Не знаю, Джерри, а сколько лет я тут живу?
- 00:02:32,830 --> 00:02:33,880 Поаккуратнее с ответом.
- 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,640 Боже, Рик, т-ты уже кучу раз так делал.
- 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,870 Не думаешь, что президент раскусит тебя в этот раз?
- 00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:40,630 Возможно, раскусит, Морти. Всё это – часть танца.
- 00:02:40,750 --> 00:02:44,180 В прошлом я проник в группу индеек, которые могли получить помилование,
- 00:02:44,260 --> 00:02:47,180 когда промыл мозги президентскому рабочему перед церемонией.
- 00:02:47,260 --> 00:02:49,430 Но в этот раз мы провели эвтаназию всем работникам,
- 00:02:49,510 --> 00:02:52,360 а индеек будем перевозить в бронированных военных грузовиках.
- 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,780 Эти грузовики производит теневая корпорация под моим контролем...
- 00:02:55,890 --> 00:02:57,260 ...которую мы проверили...
- 00:02:57,340 --> 00:02:59,180 - ...и я получил доступ... - ...к главному компьютеру...
- 00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:02,050 - ...чтобы найти настоящий грузовик... - ...в который никак не...
- 00:03:02,130 --> 00:03:03,480 ...точно можно проникнуть...
- 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,930 ...но даже если можно, то он окажется в грузовике, набитом индейками
- 00:03:06,010 --> 00:03:07,430 и вооружёнными пехотинцами...
- 00:03:07,510 --> 00:03:08,680 ...которые не узнают меня,
- 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,940 ведь человеческий глаз не различает индюшачьи лица...
- 00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:13,770 К счастью, у пехотинцев не будет человеческих глаз,
- 00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:15,460 у них будут индюшачьи глаза.
- 00:03:15,590 --> 00:03:19,430 Господи боже мой. Может, вы поебётесь, и дело с концом?
- 00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:20,310 Аккуратнее, Дуэйн.
- 00:03:20,430 --> 00:03:23,130 Ты – вице-президент лишь потому, что мне нужны 10% белых голосов.
- 00:03:23,210 --> 00:03:25,730 На Нью-Йорк напал гигантский французский убийца,
- 00:03:25,810 --> 00:03:27,430 а ты пользуешься командным пунктом,
- 00:03:27,510 --> 00:03:30,220 чтобы помериться членами со своим бухающим сай-файным парнем.
- 00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:33,860 Рик Санчес опаснее какой-то французской сучки, работающей на пару.
- 00:03:33,950 --> 00:03:35,980 Нью-Йорк справится с глобальной катастрофой.
- 00:03:36,060 --> 00:03:38,570 Генерал, начать операцию «Глубокий кулдык».
- 00:03:41,410 --> 00:03:43,330 Куп, только не в День благодарения.
- 00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:44,810 Меня к этому готовили, Мэри Лу.
- 00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:46,060 Это не наша борьба.
- 00:03:46,190 --> 00:03:49,140 Детка, в твоём животике запекается маленький гонщик.
- 00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,060 В каком мире он будет газовать?
- 00:03:51,140 --> 00:03:54,290 В котором Доктор Кто в лабораторном халате и с игольчатой причёской
- 00:03:54,370 --> 00:03:55,780 может изменить цвет неба,
- 00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:58,220 или в мире, в котором он сможет набить пикап хот-догами
- 00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:01,990 и поехать на нём к музыкальному автомату с любимой музыкой нашего населения?
- 00:04:02,070 --> 00:04:03,670 Очевидно, что последнее, но...
- 00:04:03,770 --> 00:04:06,230 Этот мир, Мэри Лу, с такой едой,
- 00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:09,180 машинами и песнями, которую любят в радиусе 50 километров...
- 00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:10,910 этому миру нужны славные ребята,
- 00:04:10,990 --> 00:04:12,570 которые отправятся в секретную лабораторию Пентагона
- 00:04:12,650 --> 00:04:14,190 и превратятся в индеек.
- 00:04:14,270 --> 00:04:15,990 Возвращайся без перьев, Куп.
- 00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:19,950 Обожаю эту страну.
- 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,940 <i>Моя брюхатая девочка и надёжный пикап,</i>
- 00:04:26,090 --> 00:04:28,170 <i>С одной повезло, а второй выбрал сам.</i>
- 00:04:28,250 --> 00:04:32,540 <i>И вот теперь я должен стать индюшкой.</i>
- 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:36,940 <i>Надеюсь, что наступит мир, А мою ДНК не смоют в сортир,</i>
- 00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:38,360 <i>Когда я превращу себя в индюшку...</i>
- 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,260 В пилюлях содержится отслеживающий чип,
- 00:04:40,340 --> 00:04:42,410 позволяющий идентифицировать вас.
- 00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,470 Потом это будет важно.
- 00:04:45,730 --> 00:04:48,140 <i>Кулдык! Кулдык!</i>
- 00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:50,520 <i>Кулдык! Кулдык!</i>
- 00:04:50,650 --> 00:04:54,580 <i>И вот теперь я должен стать индюшкой.</i>
- 00:04:55,190 --> 00:04:56,700 ИНДЮШАЧЬЯ ФЕРМА ХЕНДЕРСОНА
- 00:04:56,780 --> 00:04:59,880 ЗДЕСЬ ЖИВУТ ИНДЕЙКИ, КОТОРЫХ МОЖЕТ ПОМИЛОВАТЬ ПРЕЗИДЕНТ
- 00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:02,600 Итак, парни, осмотреть каждую птицу.
- 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,020 Увидите Санчеса – начинайте кулдыкать.
- 00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:06,590 Дай-ка посмотрю на тебя, дрянь.
- 00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:07,970 Вали отсюда, шеетряс.
- 00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:10,660 Сержант, в симуляции всё было иначе.
- 00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:12,840 - Мне это не нравится. - Соберись, Мартинес!
- 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,044 Ведём наблюдение, сэр.
- 00:05:14,124 --> 00:05:15,270 Эйнштейна пока не видно.
- 00:05:15,350 --> 00:05:16,410 Будьте начеку, господа.
- 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:19,340 Помилование должно пройти без сучка, без задоринки.
- 00:05:19,750 --> 00:05:22,420 Сэр, мы взломали гаражную дверь. Заходим.
- 00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,860 - Видим противника. - Или же роботов.
- 00:05:25,030 --> 00:05:27,460 При всём уважении, сэр, но кожу я везде узнаю.
- 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:30,190 Роботы, покрытые кожей, выиграют нам время.
- 00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:32,390 Индейка, которую помилуют, должна быть здесь.
- 00:05:32,470 --> 00:05:33,870 Корабль, скрытый режим.
- 00:05:35,670 --> 00:05:37,750 Родригес, Финчер, проверьте, что там.
- 00:05:37,850 --> 00:05:39,460 Индейки-пехотинцы.
- 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:40,750 Президент захотел поиграть.
- 00:05:40,830 --> 00:05:42,860 <i>- Вызови перебои в рации. - Так точно.</i>
- 00:05:43,690 --> 00:05:44,860 Блин.
- 00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:56,270 Финчер, Родригес, приём.
- 00:05:56,350 --> 00:05:57,790 Приём, отряд танго, всё чисто.
- 00:05:57,870 --> 00:05:59,790 Пара веток упала на крышу.
- 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,520 Больше не смей отключать рацию.
- 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,780 - Мы не сдадимся. Мы не сдадимся. - Мы никогда не сдадимся.
- 00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:05,540 Да?
- 00:06:05,630 --> 00:06:07,290 Подвезите ящик Девида Блэйна.
- 00:06:09,710 --> 00:06:11,450 Блин, это ящик Девида Блэйна?
- 00:06:11,530 --> 00:06:13,700 Я говорил, что надо ехать к моим родителям.
- 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:14,633 Не говорил.
- 00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:19,110 Может, и не говорил, но и так понятно, что я бы лучше поехал к ним.
- 00:06:19,210 --> 00:06:20,420 - О боже, нет! - О господи, Рик!
- 00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,390 Сэр, Рик и Морти попались в ящик.
- 00:06:22,490 --> 00:06:23,500 Теперь я убеждён.
- 00:06:23,580 --> 00:06:24,102 Сэр?
- 00:06:24,182 --> 00:06:26,610 Ни один ящик Девида Блэйна не сможет сдержать Рика Санчеса.
- 00:06:26,690 --> 00:06:27,900 Просканировать грузовик с индейками.
- 00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:29,020 Странно.
- 00:06:29,110 --> 00:06:31,460 Чипы Финчера и Родригеса дают сбой.
- 00:06:31,540 --> 00:06:32,373 Санчес.
- 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,310 Я лично разберусь с этим ублюдком.
- 00:06:34,390 --> 00:06:37,010 Сэр, не лезьте на рожон. Мёртвым вас не переизберут.
- 00:06:37,090 --> 00:06:38,540 Системы откалиброваны, сэр.
- 00:06:38,620 --> 00:06:40,410 В пилюле содержится отслеживающий чип, позволяющий...
- 00:06:40,490 --> 00:06:42,280 Знаю. Потом это будет важно.
- 00:06:42,780 --> 00:06:44,010 Давай.
- 00:06:47,860 --> 00:06:50,310 Совсем скоро президент помилует индейку.
- 00:06:53,540 --> 00:06:56,790 Финишная прямая, Морти. А вот и главный засранец, как раз вовремя.
- 00:06:56,890 --> 00:06:58,540 Всё пройдёт как по маслу.
- 00:06:59,190 --> 00:07:00,590 Боже, это...
- 00:07:00,690 --> 00:07:02,110 Твою мать, президент взял всё в свои руки.
- 00:07:02,190 --> 00:07:03,960 Дед облажался. Надень очки, веди себя как индейка.
- 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,370 - Тебе страшно? - Веди себя как индейка!
- 00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:13,500 - Это Родригес и Финчер, сэр. - Это Рик и Морти, бесполезный коровоёб.
- 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,290 Извини. Не говори 10% друзей об этом.
- 00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:18,950 - Господин президент. - Санчес, признай поражение.
- 00:07:19,030 --> 00:07:21,230 Признай, и я отпущу твою проигравшую задницу.
- 00:07:22,290 --> 00:07:24,450 Ты хотел плюнуть в меня без слюнной железы?
- 00:07:24,590 --> 00:07:25,590 Помилуй меня, мудак.
- 00:07:25,670 --> 00:07:26,360 С фига ли?
- 00:07:26,450 --> 00:07:28,140 Даже не знаю. Если я перееду в Канаду,
- 00:07:28,220 --> 00:07:29,130 то она станет лучшей страной.
- 00:07:29,210 --> 00:07:31,060 Я выклюю твои чёртовы глаза!
- 00:07:32,650 --> 00:07:33,810 Сука! Мой хохолок!
- 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,260 Отвали!
- 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:38,630 Голубика! Рассыпалась голубика!
- 00:07:38,710 --> 00:07:40,570 Сохраняйте позиции! Началась кормёжка!
- 00:07:40,650 --> 00:07:41,850 Я ничего не вижу.
- 00:07:41,930 --> 00:07:44,980 Точнее, вижу на 270 градусов.
- 00:07:45,060 --> 00:07:47,430 Слишком много градусов.
- 00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:50,090 Сэр, бойцы слетают с катушек.
- 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,610 Соберись, солдат! Президент всё ещё в загоне.
- 00:07:59,810 --> 00:08:01,750 Франция разгромила Нью-Йорк!
- 00:08:01,830 --> 00:08:03,350 Живо вытаскивайте президента!
- 00:08:03,430 --> 00:08:05,400 Кулдык Танго, уведите президента!
- 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,790 Это приказ! Найдите чип президента.
- 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,370 Принято.
- 00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:10,660 Вон он, вижу его.
- 00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:11,610 Вперёд, парни!
- 00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:12,930 Уводим орла!
- 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,020 Эй, это не я.
- 00:08:16,110 --> 00:08:18,170 Посылка под защитой. Выводите нас.
- 00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:22,020 Ввод ДНК субъекта.
- 00:08:30,770 --> 00:08:34,790 Иегову твою за ногу! Ты похож на кило дерьма в дырке шлюхи!
- 00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:36,610 Всё нормально, господин президент?
- 00:08:36,710 --> 00:08:39,730 Да. Я действительно президент.
- 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,950 Отмойте его жопу и отведите в командный пункт.
- 00:08:42,030 --> 00:08:45,540 Эй, отряд Кулдык! Вы не ту индейку взяли, дебилы!
- 00:08:46,210 --> 00:08:48,330 Смотрите, как кулдычит этот кусок дерьма.
- 00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:49,720 Дуй назад!
- 00:08:50,210 --> 00:08:52,090 Парни, вы слышали вице-президента.
- 00:08:52,170 --> 00:08:54,790 Помилование накрылось. Собирайтесь и уходите.
- 00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,630 Что касается тебя, Санчес...
- 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,400 бон аппетит.
- 00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:05,780 Куда едет этот лифт?
- 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,990 Туда, куда отправляют невыбранных индеек.
- 00:09:08,070 --> 00:09:09,810 В зал кормёжки.
- 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:16,830 - Это что за хуета? - Не что, а кто.
- 00:09:16,930 --> 00:09:20,130 Единственное, чего следует бояться, – это меня.
- 00:09:20,330 --> 00:09:23,190 На хуя Белому дому нужен клонированный Рузвельт-паук?
- 00:09:23,270 --> 00:09:24,750 Это не клон, а настоящий Рузвельт.
- 00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:26,550 На нём мы испытывали полиовакцину.
- 00:09:26,630 --> 00:09:28,840 Мы спросили себя: «У кого больше всего ног?»
- 00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:30,610 Мы? Ты в этом участвовал?
- 00:09:30,730 --> 00:09:32,890 У президентства своя ноша, Морти.
- 00:09:33,910 --> 00:09:35,080 Рик, я боюсь умирать.
- 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,560 Бояться осталось недолго, Морти! Скоро превратимся в людей.
- 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:38,310 А потом?
- 00:09:38,390 --> 00:09:40,760 Надо не попасть в лапы к пауку.
- 00:09:40,870 --> 00:09:42,620 То есть и дальше бояться умереть?
- 00:09:42,710 --> 00:09:45,550 Морти, если для тебя так важно выиграть спор, то ты вообще не жил.
- 00:09:45,630 --> 00:09:48,040 Наступает Новый курс. Убийство.
- 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,680 Мне надоело слушать, каким культовым ты был.
- 00:09:51,580 --> 00:09:55,940 Попробуй войти в историю президентства после запуска «Фейсбука», мразь ты старая.
- 00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:58,760 Морти, оторви решётку.
- 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,890 Как тебе такая непринуждённая беседа у камина?
- 00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,490 Ух. Ты убил Рузвельта.
- 00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:07,650 Но он был монстром.
- 00:10:07,750 --> 00:10:09,730 Не превращай его в миф, он был политиком.
- 00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:10,700 Кстати...
- 00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:12,950 Ты вроде как спас наши задницы, так что предлагаю сделку.
- 00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:15,010 Ты нас помилуешь, а я сделаю тебя человеком.
- 00:10:15,090 --> 00:10:16,040 Не та индейка.
- 00:10:16,470 --> 00:10:18,320 Блин, а их лица и правда не отличишь.
- 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,510 Я хочу, чтобы этих ребят снова превратили в людей.
- 00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:25,240 Хорошо, господин президент.
- 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,830 Но мы вроде как очеловечили всех индейкнутых пехотинцев.
- 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,730 Я хочу, чтобы этих ребят превратили в людей.
- 00:10:31,830 --> 00:10:34,420 - Я – президент. - Да, сэр. Хорошо.
- 00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:38,740 Увеличьте их силу на 1000%.
- 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,130 Но... тогда они перестанут быть людьми.
- 00:10:41,210 --> 00:10:44,860 Индейки всегда были лучше обычных людей.
- 00:10:44,970 --> 00:10:48,590 Ну хорошо... так, что-то я начинаю...
- 00:10:49,980 --> 00:10:54,350 Я продаю Нью-Йорк Франции.
- 00:10:54,550 --> 00:10:57,570 А все деньги отдаю конгрессу.
- 00:10:58,370 --> 00:10:59,470 Да, отлично!
- 00:10:59,550 --> 00:11:02,330 - Вот это я понимаю. - Сегодня он стал президентом.
- 00:11:04,710 --> 00:11:06,060 Давайте, шушукайтесь.
- 00:11:06,190 --> 00:11:07,670 А когда закончите, дайте штаны.
- 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,030 Если ты – президент,
- 00:11:09,140 --> 00:11:12,520 то кто же тогда управлял страной последние три часа?
- 00:11:12,660 --> 00:11:14,250 Самозванец, бесполезный ты болван!
- 00:11:14,330 --> 00:11:16,180 Вы очеловечили не ту индейку!
- 00:11:16,290 --> 00:11:17,610 Это возможно.
- 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,880 Не будем оставлять всё на волю случая.
- 00:11:20,010 --> 00:11:23,590 Не хотелось бы, чтобы конгресс работал не с тем президентом.
- 00:11:23,730 --> 00:11:26,490 Хороший аргумент, господин президент.
- 00:11:26,570 --> 00:11:28,950 Верим ли мы в то, что этот славный господин с перьями,
- 00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:30,410 сотрудничающий с нами, наш глава?
- 00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:34,110 Или позволим мистеру Платному Бару на рождественской вечеринке
- 00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:35,220 остаться на должности?
- 00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:37,660 Кто за президента-индейку?
- 00:11:37,970 --> 00:11:38,940 Вы шутите.
- 00:11:39,020 --> 00:11:40,690 По-вашему, ему есть дело до Америки?
- 00:11:40,770 --> 00:11:42,940 Так вот почему это происходит с тобой?
- 00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:45,430 Потому что тебе есть дело до Америки?
- 00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:51,190 Охрана, эти люди... какое же слово? Террористы.
- 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,620 Ладно, к чёрту. Вперёд, Санчес-лазерные кулаки!
- 00:11:54,730 --> 00:11:57,060 Блин, я слишком долго был индейкой.
- 00:11:57,180 --> 00:11:58,930 Да уж, а он сильный.
- 00:11:59,050 --> 00:12:00,520 Мэри Тодд Линкольн!
- 00:12:03,780 --> 00:12:05,700 Ну и кто теперь мёртвый груз, сучара?
- 00:12:11,187 --> 00:12:13,067 Через минуту снова почувствуешь задницу.
- 00:12:13,147 --> 00:12:15,077 Извини за то, что мои турели разнесли мотоцикл.
- 00:12:15,157 --> 00:12:16,667 Просто дай мне грёбаную одежду.
- 00:12:16,747 --> 00:12:19,127 Вряд ли ты рад тому, что только в моём доме тебе ничего не грозит.
- 00:12:19,207 --> 00:12:21,697 Тебе обычную одежду, или, может, нарядим тебя террористом?
- 00:12:21,777 --> 00:12:23,747 Я могу уйти, и я всё ещё президент.
- 00:12:23,837 --> 00:12:25,667 Рад это слышать. Значит, ты меня помилуешь,
- 00:12:25,747 --> 00:12:27,277 или мне выкинуть тебя вместе с мусором?
- 00:12:27,357 --> 00:12:29,427 Да что с тобой? Почему ты ненавидишь эту страну?
- 00:12:29,507 --> 00:12:31,317 Я ненавижу все страны во вселенной, братан.
- 00:12:31,397 --> 00:12:34,097 Это программы профориентации для политиков, которые их придумали.
- 00:12:34,177 --> 00:12:35,747 Слушай, Бойцовский Клуб.
- 00:12:35,837 --> 00:12:38,347 Мне платят за то, чтобы я защищал скамейку запасных, на которой ты отсиживаешься.
- 00:12:38,427 --> 00:12:39,917 Тебе платят за спортивные метафоры!
- 00:12:39,997 --> 00:12:42,677 Я убираю твой лоток, чтобы твои додиковские лапки
- 00:12:42,757 --> 00:12:44,827 вдруг не коснулись додиковских какашек других додиков,
- 00:12:44,907 --> 00:12:47,697 пока ты напрягаешь над ними свой мерзкий циничный анус.
- 00:12:47,797 --> 00:12:49,867 Слушайте, может, вы оба правы и не правы?
- 00:12:49,947 --> 00:12:50,987 - Заткнись, Морти! - Заткнись, Морти!
- 00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:54,527 Сука, ты уничтожил конституцию. Ты здесь самый главный соплежуй.
- 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,767 Не смей так говорить с моим сыном!
- 00:12:57,587 --> 00:12:58,687 Простите, миссис Смит.
- 00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:00,997 Вы портите День благодарения. Вы оба.
- 00:13:01,087 --> 00:13:04,037 Так что либо садитесь за стол и поужинайте с моей семьёй,
- 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,677 либо занимайтесь своими делами в баре за углом.
- 00:13:07,857 --> 00:13:09,757 На День благодарения в барах отстойно.
- 00:13:09,887 --> 00:13:12,157 <i>Я всё ещё пытаюсь разобраться.</i>
- 00:13:12,237 --> 00:13:15,077 <i>Один из вас хочет получить такое личное качество,</i>
- 00:13:15,207 --> 00:13:17,597 <i>как храбрость, а остальные хотят получить настоящие органы?</i>
- 00:13:17,677 --> 00:13:21,387 Перезапуск «Волшебника страны Оз» от Чарли Кауфмана просто умора.
- 00:13:21,507 --> 00:13:25,237 <i>Вот для чего мне нужен мозг, а то сценарий вообще не получается.</i>
- 00:13:26,147 --> 00:13:27,547 Передай картошку.
- 00:13:28,807 --> 00:13:29,797 Спасибо.
- 00:13:31,147 --> 00:13:32,227 Классные бобы, мам.
- 00:13:32,357 --> 00:13:34,417 Индейка сырая, пап. И лепёшки хреновые.
- 00:13:34,507 --> 00:13:37,427 Извини, Саммер, но США поместили нас в антипортальный пузырь,
- 00:13:37,507 --> 00:13:39,027 который закоротил таймер на духовке.
- 00:13:39,107 --> 00:13:41,407 Оказывается, у выборов и правда есть последствия.
- 00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:44,117 Иди в жопу, Джерри. Я видел твои налоговые отчёты.
- 00:13:44,237 --> 00:13:46,537 Жалуйся, когда появится налогооблагаемый доход.
- 00:13:46,957 --> 00:13:49,167 Да, Джерри – кусок говна, я согласен.
- 00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,627 Ребят, что это?
- 00:13:51,777 --> 00:13:54,557 <i>Паула, как ты видишь, президент Кёртис утвердил план</i>
- 00:13:54,637 --> 00:13:57,987 <i>по превращению всех индеек в Америке в гибридных суперсолдат.</i>
- 00:13:58,127 --> 00:14:01,047 <i>План единогласно одобрил конгресс после третьего увеличения зарплаты</i>
- 00:14:01,127 --> 00:14:03,087 <i>за последние шесть часов. Слово тебе.</i>
- 00:14:07,377 --> 00:14:09,047 Боже, этот ублюдок слетел с катушек.
- 00:14:09,127 --> 00:14:11,067 Скоро в Вашингтоне не останется ни одной птички.
- 00:14:11,147 --> 00:14:13,727 Ух ты, истребление коренного населения на День благодарения.
- 00:14:13,807 --> 00:14:14,957 Никогда такого не было.
- 00:14:15,047 --> 00:14:16,087 Что ты сказала?
- 00:14:16,187 --> 00:14:19,667 Я сравнила День благодарения с геноцидом, подростки всегда так делают.
- 00:14:19,797 --> 00:14:20,487 Я не хотела...
- 00:14:20,577 --> 00:14:21,967 Склеп нового мира!
- 00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:24,307 Возможно, только так мы сможем обернуть всё в нашу пользу.
- 00:14:24,387 --> 00:14:25,487 Ты знаешь про склеп?
- 00:14:25,607 --> 00:14:27,117 Значит, сокровищ там уже нет.
- 00:14:27,197 --> 00:14:30,387 Погоди, для этого ты хотел стырить конституцию? Старый пердун.
- 00:14:30,507 --> 00:14:32,447 Склеп нового мира — это не сокровище,
- 00:14:32,607 --> 00:14:34,197 но, возможно, наша единственная надежда. Идём.
- 00:14:34,277 --> 00:14:36,257 Но разве склеп не под Вашингтоном?
- 00:14:36,337 --> 00:14:37,967 У индюшачьего президента есть армия,
- 00:14:38,047 --> 00:14:40,227 настоящая армия, воздушные силы и пехотинцы!
- 00:14:40,387 --> 00:14:43,587 Помедленнее, Морти, назови все виды вооружённых сил. У кого-нибудь есть ручка?
- 00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:46,727 У нас есть кое-что помощнее любой армии мира.
- 00:14:46,877 --> 00:14:47,867 Ну, точнее, нет.
- 00:14:47,947 --> 00:14:50,817 Но с правильной речью можно завербовать подготовленных деревенщин.
- 00:14:50,897 --> 00:14:52,897 Против британцев сработало же. Я в деле.
- 00:14:54,107 --> 00:14:57,997 Людей заменяют птицами. Что бы сказал Джонни Кэш или Дейл Эрнхардт?
- 00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:00,127 Он бы сказал, что «пора идти до конца»
- 00:15:00,207 --> 00:15:02,157 или «быстро прошмыгни между машинами».
- 00:15:02,287 --> 00:15:04,047 Таких, как вы, не обслуживаем.
- 00:15:04,127 --> 00:15:05,952 - Боже, ты серьёзно? - Вот смотри.
- 00:15:06,055 --> 00:15:07,587 ПРЕЗИДЕНТОВ НЕ ОБСЛУЖИВАЕМ Неоплаченный счёт: $53.00!
- 00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:09,537 - Марвин, это мой босс. - Всё нормально.
- 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,867 Недоверие к президенту – это патриотический долг.
- 00:15:11,947 --> 00:15:13,637 Вот этот человек – не я.
- 00:15:13,717 --> 00:15:15,837 Это индейка, обколотая моей ДНК.
- 00:15:15,937 --> 00:15:17,837 Будь я проклят.
- 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:21,667 Что ж, я – расист.
- 00:15:21,747 --> 00:15:24,207 Не советую вам снова забирать моего мужика.
- 00:15:24,327 --> 00:15:24,925 Мэри Лу.
- 00:15:25,005 --> 00:15:28,267 Я бедна и беременна бедным человеком.
- 00:15:28,347 --> 00:15:30,987 И мне нужны вы и 10% ребёнка.
- 00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:32,147 Слушайте,
- 00:15:32,277 --> 00:15:34,832 я понимаю, что одной речью тут не обойтись,
- 00:15:34,969 --> 00:15:36,437 но что такое речь?
- 00:15:36,517 --> 00:15:38,157 Может, это просто вопрос?
- 00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:39,967 И это тоже вопрос?
- 00:15:40,097 --> 00:15:41,537 Речь – это слова,
- 00:15:41,617 --> 00:15:44,107 одинаковые слова, слова в предложениях.
- 00:15:44,227 --> 00:15:46,027 Одинаковые предложения одинаковых слов.
- 00:15:46,107 --> 00:15:49,027 Всё это неважно. А знаете, что важно?
- 00:15:49,137 --> 00:15:50,647 Важен мой вопрос к вам.
- 00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,157 Вы сделаете то, что я вам скажу?
- 00:15:53,757 --> 00:15:55,387 У меня два вопроса, командир.
- 00:15:55,727 --> 00:15:57,617 Вперёд? По коням?
- 00:15:58,977 --> 00:16:00,167 Они риторические, сэр.
- 00:16:00,337 --> 00:16:01,347 Вперёд, по коням!
- 00:16:01,987 --> 00:16:03,347 Вперёд по коням!
- 00:16:11,357 --> 00:16:12,967 Сэр, к нам приближаются Рик и Морти
- 00:16:13,047 --> 00:16:15,987 в какой-то пиратской версии АТ-АТ из «Звёздных войн».
- 00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:19,507 - Или, как говорят миллениалы, ЭйТи ЭйТи. - Началось.
- 00:16:19,607 --> 00:16:22,397 Кулдыкеры! Сегодня мы восстанем!
- 00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:32,237 Вот бли-и-и-и-ин.
- 00:16:33,877 --> 00:16:37,187 - Неплохо зарулил, Санчес. - Забор выключен, загон чист.
- 00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:38,257 Правила вы знаете.
- 00:16:38,347 --> 00:16:41,627 Если кто-то кулдычит и клюётся, зарядите ему в жопу картечью.
- 00:16:55,517 --> 00:16:57,937 Господи боже! О-они схватили Джонсона!
- 00:16:58,037 --> 00:16:59,287 Он легко отделался.
- 00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:01,157 Задержите ублюдков!
- 00:17:03,137 --> 00:17:05,997 - Что теперь, Рик? - Сделаем куру гриль.
- 00:17:13,037 --> 00:17:15,627 - Ух ты, это... - Склеп нового мира.
- 00:17:17,667 --> 00:17:20,807 Вы гонялись за самой древней тайной этой страны.
- 00:17:21,187 --> 00:17:24,847 Фольклор Дня благодарения укрывал её много веков.
- 00:17:27,787 --> 00:17:29,967 Это что, динозавр-индюшка?
- 00:17:30,047 --> 00:17:31,567 Первые правители Америки.
- 00:17:31,647 --> 00:17:34,987 Безжалостные звери, которые питались плотью напуганных людей.
- 00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:38,717 В 15 веке на Землю упал корабль. Точнее, два.
- 00:17:38,987 --> 00:17:41,157 На борту были наши спасители.
- 00:17:41,647 --> 00:17:44,327 Санчес, потяни за рычаг одновременно со мной.
- 00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:56,987 Блин, они подерутся.
- 00:17:57,197 --> 00:17:58,837 Нет, они любят друг друга.
- 00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:00,597 По прибытии на планету они воевали,
- 00:18:00,677 --> 00:18:03,057 но объединились против ненавистных индеек.
- 00:18:03,137 --> 00:18:05,057 Но что они любят сильнее друг друга,
- 00:18:05,137 --> 00:18:07,057 так это надирать индейкам задницу.
- 00:18:07,137 --> 00:18:07,947 Господа.
- 00:18:08,027 --> 00:18:10,177 Настало время снова устроить пир.
- 00:18:14,117 --> 00:18:16,727 Кукуруза!
- 00:18:22,327 --> 00:18:26,037 Получается. Идём, Санчес, надо отключить очеловечивающий луч.
- 00:18:31,007 --> 00:18:32,087 Мы за кого?
- 00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:34,767 Не знаю, но на оплату колледжа нам уже хватит.
- 00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:37,827 Почти добрались.
- 00:18:37,927 --> 00:18:40,727 Извини. Теперь моя очередь удивлять.
- 00:18:40,837 --> 00:18:42,877 Блин, как он любит выходить из тени.
- 00:18:43,007 --> 00:18:45,207 Оглянись. Тебе не одолеть наших древних воинов.
- 00:18:45,287 --> 00:18:48,567 Да неужели? Мой народ всегда сражался с хищниками.
- 00:18:48,687 --> 00:18:54,007 Поэтому мы спим на деревьях, и поэтому в дикой природе мы умеем летать.
- 00:18:57,027 --> 00:18:58,077 Перед тобой стоит выбор.
- 00:18:58,157 --> 00:18:59,067 Сразиться со мной
- 00:18:59,147 --> 00:19:04,367 или помешать оружию превратить всех индеек Америки в новую сверхрасу.
- 00:19:04,487 --> 00:19:07,127 Долбоёб, нас тут трое, и двое из нас летали в космос.
- 00:19:07,207 --> 00:19:10,197 Очевидно, что они спасут Америку и вернут монумент домой,
- 00:19:10,277 --> 00:19:12,097 а я надеру тебе жопу.
- 00:19:12,257 --> 00:19:14,287 Ах да, Санчес, ты помилован.
- 00:19:14,877 --> 00:19:16,517 Заткнись, Морти, погнали!
- 00:19:16,957 --> 00:19:18,272 Давай, сучара.
- 00:19:18,444 --> 00:19:19,518 Да будет так.
- 00:19:22,247 --> 00:19:23,797 Человек-индюшка сказал правду?
- 00:19:23,957 --> 00:19:25,047 Индейки спят на деревьях?
- 00:19:25,127 --> 00:19:27,827 Какая на хрен разница, Морти? Давай уже вырубим эту хрень.
- 00:19:27,907 --> 00:19:31,727 <i>Калибровка. Нацеливаюсь на всех индеек Америки.</i>
- 00:19:31,827 --> 00:19:34,977 Боже, тут даже голос сделали. А для кого? Мы же в космосе.
- 00:19:36,117 --> 00:19:37,937 Боже, Рик. К-кажется, для них.
- 00:19:38,017 --> 00:19:38,837 Морти, пользуйся аккуратно.
- 00:19:38,917 --> 00:19:40,837 Доберись до ядра очеловечивателя и разрежь синий провод.
- 00:19:40,917 --> 00:19:41,947 Понял? Синий!
- 00:19:42,027 --> 00:19:43,367 А взорвать нельзя?
- 00:19:43,467 --> 00:19:45,837 Это национальный монумент, еблан. Нас только помиловали.
- 00:19:45,917 --> 00:19:47,747 Ты хочешь повторить это через год?
- 00:19:52,747 --> 00:19:54,237 Ты кое-что забыл, человек-индюшка.
- 00:19:54,317 --> 00:19:56,467 Неважно, во что ты заставил поверить людей,
- 00:19:56,957 --> 00:19:59,057 я всё равно чёртов президент.
- 00:19:59,147 --> 00:20:02,027 А ты забыл, что за один день на твоей должности,
- 00:20:02,277 --> 00:20:04,587 я узнал в сто крат больше.
- 00:20:04,797 --> 00:20:06,337 Я тебя недооценил.
- 00:20:06,417 --> 00:20:08,067 В последний раз.
- 00:20:13,327 --> 00:20:15,227 Рик, тут не совсем базовые цвета.
- 00:20:15,697 --> 00:20:17,357 Б-бирюзовый с-сойдёт?
- 00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:19,717 Ты издеваешься, Морти? Режь чёртов провод.
- 00:20:20,337 --> 00:20:21,457 Сука!
- 00:20:24,067 --> 00:20:26,517 <i>Цели обнаружены. Включаю оружие.</i>
- 00:20:26,647 --> 00:20:27,627 Твою мать!
- 00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:31,297 <i>Достояние уничтожено.</i>
- 00:20:31,387 --> 00:20:32,597 Морти!
- 00:20:34,907 --> 00:20:36,767 Твою мать, у тебя была одна задача!
- 00:20:44,947 --> 00:20:48,157 Я тебя сделал. Посмотри на меня, мудила индюшачья.
- 00:20:49,747 --> 00:20:51,427 Погоди, зачем ты...
- 00:20:51,907 --> 00:20:53,147 Это косточка желаний?
- 00:20:53,227 --> 00:20:55,147 Я хочу взорваться.
- 00:21:02,407 --> 00:21:03,997 Берлинская стена разрушена.
- 00:21:04,077 --> 00:21:05,237 Представляем PlayStation.
- 00:21:05,317 --> 00:21:06,417 Победителем стал...
- 00:21:06,497 --> 00:21:08,347 - «Влюблённый Шекспир». - PlayStation 2.
- 00:21:08,427 --> 00:21:09,857 Ураган Катрина обрушился на Луизиану.
- 00:21:09,937 --> 00:21:12,077 - PlayStation 3. - С вами «Maroon 5».
- 00:21:12,157 --> 00:21:13,707 - PlayStation 4. - «Чикагские Львы» победили!
- 00:21:13,787 --> 00:21:15,707 Я хочу PlayStation 5.
- 00:21:17,407 --> 00:21:20,787 Не знал, когда тебя вытащить. У тебя вся жизнь перед глазами пролетела, да?
- 00:21:20,867 --> 00:21:22,107 Да.
- 00:21:22,247 --> 00:21:24,197 И какая же это была жизнь!
- 00:21:25,087 --> 00:21:27,807 Господа, я снова благодарю вас за спасение нации.
- 00:21:27,917 --> 00:21:29,787 Ты предал свой народ.
- 00:21:29,867 --> 00:21:30,977 Я не говорю на непонятном.
- 00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:33,227 ЦРУ научили меня только фразе активации.
- 00:21:33,307 --> 00:21:34,717 Но если бы я мог что-то сказать,
- 00:21:34,797 --> 00:21:37,957 то сказал бы: «Дайте Америке ещё один шанс».
- 00:21:40,607 --> 00:21:43,137 А вот это я видел в «Хищнике».
- 00:21:44,367 --> 00:21:47,167 Боже, они подерутся. Точно подерутся.
- 00:21:47,827 --> 00:21:49,367 Они любят друг друга.
- 00:21:49,447 --> 00:21:51,277 - Как всегда круто. - Такое никогда не надоест.
- 00:21:51,357 --> 00:21:53,647 Что было, когда пришельцы открыли Америку?
- 00:21:53,747 --> 00:21:55,027 Они ушли в спячку,
- 00:21:55,107 --> 00:21:58,517 оставив нам технологии, с которыми мы живём в свободном мире.
- 00:21:58,667 --> 00:22:00,867 Ну и ещё чтобы заниматься всяким рабством.
- 00:22:00,987 --> 00:22:03,027 Я думал, что мы были гораздо особеннее.
- 00:22:03,137 --> 00:22:06,517 Что мы всё сами придумали, сами сделали и поэтому владеем всем.
- 00:22:06,607 --> 00:22:08,677 А-а-а-а, теперь я не знаю, что думать.
- 00:22:08,787 --> 00:22:10,407 Будь благодарен, Морти.
- 00:22:10,547 --> 00:22:12,147 Будь благодарен.
- 00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:45,857 Я знаю, малыш.
- 00:22:45,937 --> 00:22:48,730 Куп, милый, что возьмём, «Лаки Чармс» или «Киббл Биббитс»?
- 00:22:48,810 --> 00:22:50,487 Они нам не по карману.
- 00:22:50,567 --> 00:22:53,387 Но ведь президент должен тебе. Ты же его спас!
- 00:22:53,467 --> 00:22:56,667 Он не виноват, что нам страховку урезали. Надо же ракеты строить.
- 00:22:56,798 --> 00:22:59,358 Ладно, возьми-ка Джеки на секунду.
- 00:23:09,987 --> 00:23:11,027 Чё он делает?
- 00:23:11,107 --> 00:23:12,295 Вроде корм клюёт.
- 00:23:12,375 --> 00:23:14,287 Придурок считает себя индюшкой.
- 00:23:14,367 --> 00:23:16,367 Я не буду платить за его лечение.
- 00:23:16,368 --> 00:23:21,368 Перевод: Женя Спицын Синхронизация: Георгий Владимиров
- 00:00:05,962 --> 00:00:13,100 ♪♪
- 00:00:13,143 --> 00:00:15,319 Are we -- are we gonna put it back when we're done with it?
- 00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:17,887 Why? The only thing of value on it is the secret treasure map.
- 00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:19,497 The rest is just instructions for running a country,
- 00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:20,933 and I'm pretty sure they're online.
- 00:00:20,977 --> 00:00:22,457 It just feels a little wrong --
- 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:23,980 Morty, are you gonna be a fucking America nerd
- 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,286 or are you gonna be cool
- 00:00:25,329 --> 00:00:26,939 and steal the Constitution with Grandpa?
- 00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,509 Here, hold this while I crack the hermetic seal.
- 00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:34,382 W-Why not just use this again?
- 00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:35,948 [ Ding! ]
- 00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,607 Morty! You just destroyed the map
- 00:00:42,651 --> 00:00:44,740 and activated the giant assassin hidden in the Statue of Liberty!
- 00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:46,437 I'm sorry -- w-wait, what?
- 00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,613 It was a Trojan horse, Morty. Never trust the French.
- 00:00:48,657 --> 00:00:50,311 Alright, fun's fun, but now the federal government's
- 00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:52,226 gonna be pissed again. Way to go.
- 00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,705 And on America's birthday
- 00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,403 or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is.
- 00:00:55,446 --> 00:01:03,802 ♪♪
- 00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:12,159 ♪♪
- 00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:20,515 ♪♪
- 00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:28,914 ♪♪
- 00:01:28,958 --> 00:01:30,177 Seal Team Leader: Rick and Morty!
- 00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:31,526 You are under arrest and surrounded
- 00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:33,093 by an anti-portal shimmer!
- 00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:34,224 Come out with your hands up!
- 00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:36,400 Well, Happy Thanksgiving to me.
- 00:01:36,444 --> 00:01:38,881 Can't wait to see what a "shimmer" does to my prostate.
- 00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:41,013 Dad, can you please just end whatever this is --
- 00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:42,841 I understand you're upset, Mr. President.
- 00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,539 It's honestly all Morty's fault.
- 00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:46,280 But in the meantime, you really want to keep your army
- 00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,804 of pointlessly camouflaged Eagle Scouts off my lawn.
- 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,675 Don't tell me what I want, you anti-American
- 00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:52,024 piece of shit, you terrorist!
- 00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:53,504 You know, you use that word so much
- 00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:55,071 it's lost all meaning, Mr. P.
- 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,681 It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist?
- 00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:58,292 It's a guy you don't like. Big deal.
- 00:01:58,335 --> 00:01:59,728 Hoo-rah!
- 00:02:02,034 --> 00:02:03,819 [ Screaming ]
- 00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,168 Told you to stand down.
- 00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,605 You just lost two soldiers over here. Good men.
- 00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:09,172 Might be time to look at the terrorist in the mirror.
- 00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:10,869 You want a war?!
- 00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:13,045 I'll put your outer-space ass in a goddamn Phantom Zone
- 00:02:13,089 --> 00:02:14,743 with a bar of kryptonite soap around your neck.
- 00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,701 You're done, Sanchez! You hear me?
- 00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:18,399 Oof. He's really pissed this time.
- 00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:19,922 Why don't you guys just fuck and get it over with.
- 00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,184 Okay, well thank you, Summer,
- 00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,620 but I think I've got a better option.
- 00:02:22,664 --> 00:02:23,839 Dad, no. Ehh...
- 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,536 hands are tied, sweetie.
- 00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,190 I have to turn myself into a turkey and trick the President
- 00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,018 into giving me a Presidential turkey pardon.
- 00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:31,238 Again? How many times have you done this?
- 00:02:31,281 --> 00:02:32,717 I don't know, Jerry, how many years have I lived here?
- 00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:34,241 Careful how you answer that.
- 00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,112 Geez, Rick, y'know, y-you've done this a lot.
- 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,070 Don't you think the President might see it coming this time?
- 00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:40,812 He probably will, Morty. That's all part of the dance.
- 00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,249 In the past, I've inserted myself
- 00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:44,338 into the potential turkey pardonee population
- 00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:45,774 by brainwashing the presidential turkey wrangler
- 00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:47,341 prior to the ceremony.
- 00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:49,560 But this time, the turkey wrangler's been euthanized
- 00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:50,909 and the turkeys will be transported
- 00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,694 by armored military vehicles.
- 00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:56,045 Vehicles manufactured by ghost corporations that I control.
- 00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,482 -Which we have audited. -Allowing me access to...
- 00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:00,005 -Central computers... -To track the...
- 00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:02,225 Real armored transports, which he can never...
- 00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:03,661 Totally track and sneak aboard.
- 00:03:03,705 --> 00:03:05,272 And even if he does, he'll be on a truck
- 00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:07,578 full of turkeys and fully armed marines.
- 00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:09,537 Who won't recognize me because the human eye
- 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,365 is inherently face blind to turkeys.
- 00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:14,237 President: Fortunately, those marines won't have human eyes.
- 00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:15,847 They'll have turkey eyes.
- 00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,936 Jesus ever-loving Christ, why don't you two
- 00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,764 just fuck and get it over with?
- 00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,549 Careful, Dwayne. You're only Vice President
- 00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:23,377 because I need 10% of the white vote.
- 00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,075 There's a giant French assassin attacking New York,
- 00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:28,295 and you're using the war room to measure dicks
- 00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:30,297 with your alcoholic sci-fi boyfriend?
- 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,994 Rick Sanchez is more dangerous
- 00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:34,039 than some steam-powered French bitch,
- 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,216 and New York can handle its own global emergencies.
- 00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:38,479 General? Initiate Operation Deep Gobble.
- 00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:41,612 [ Cellphone vibrates ]
- 00:03:41,656 --> 00:03:43,484 Coop, not on Thanksgiving.
- 00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:44,963 It's what I trained for, Mary Lou.
- 00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:46,835 It ain't our fight.Baby.
- 00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:49,446 That little race car driver you got bakin' in your belly.
- 00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,274 What world you want him rearin' up in?
- 00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,668 One where some... spiky-haired Doctor Who
- 00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:55,974 in a lab coat can change the color of the sky?
- 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:58,325 Or a world where he can fill his pickup with hot dogs
- 00:03:58,368 --> 00:03:59,978 and drive it to a jukebox
- 00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:02,285 full of our demographic's current favorite music?
- 00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:03,982 Obviously the latter, but --
- 00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:06,289 Well, that world, Mary Lou, the one with those meals,
- 00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:09,466 vehicles, and songs people in this 30-mile area prefer...
- 00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,163 that world needs a few good men.
- 00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:12,861 In a secret Pentagon lab.
- 00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,384 Turning into turkeys.
- 00:04:14,428 --> 00:04:16,560 You come back without feathers, Coop.
- 00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:20,260 God, I love this country.
- 00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,480 Hoooo-ah!
- 00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:25,874 ♪ I got a pregnant girl and a pickup truck ♪
- 00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:28,006 ♪ I got one by choice and the other by luck ♪
- 00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:32,228 ♪ But now it's time to turn into a turkey ♪
- 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,535 ♪ I hope there can be peace one day ♪
- 00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:36,580 ♪ Till then, I pray my DNA
- 00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:38,190 ♪ Gets backed up
- 00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,454 General Green: These pills contain tracking chips
- 00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:42,673 that identify each of you as individuals.
- 00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:45,676 That will be important later.
- 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,070 ♪ Gobble, gobble
- 00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:50,377 ♪ Gobble, gobble
- 00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:54,772 ♪ When I turn into a turkey
- 00:04:54,816 --> 00:05:00,038 ♪♪
- 00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:02,867 Alright, boys, search every bird.
- 00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:05,348 If Sanchez is here, I wanna hear you gobblin'.
- 00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,828 Let me look at you, scum.
- 00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:08,351 Get outta here, you wobbleneck.
- 00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,919 Sarge, this -- this ain't like the simulation, man.
- 00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:12,747 I don't like it -Keep it together, Martinez.
- 00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:14,357 Eyes are on the ground, sir.
- 00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:16,533 No sign of Einstein.Stay frosty, gentlemen.
- 00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:19,971 I want this pardoning pipeline airtight.
- 00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:21,756 Sir! We have hacked the garage door.
- 00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,497 We are in. Eyes on the bogey.
- 00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:25,237 Or you've got eyes on a robot.
- 00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:27,675 All due respect, sir, I know flesh when I see it!
- 00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:30,286 Those flesh-covered [burps] robots should buy us some time.
- 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,462 The pardonable turkeys should be on that truck.
- 00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,812 Ship, go stealth.
- 00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:37,380 Rodriguez, Fincher. Get eyes on that.
- 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,469 Huh. Turkey Marines.
- 00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:41,123 The President came to play.
- 00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,124 Jam those two radios.
- 00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,255 Ship: Confirmed.
- 00:05:43,299 --> 00:05:45,127 [ Radio static ]Ah! Geez!
- 00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,443 Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!
- 00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:58,140 Copy, copy, tango, all good.
- 00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:00,795 Just a couple of branches on the roof.
- 00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,797 Don't ever turn your radio off again.
- 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,320 -We will not surrender. -We will never surrender.
- 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,800 -We will not surrender. -Oh, yeah?
- 00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:07,932 Bring in the David Blaine box.
- 00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:11,675 Damn, is that a David Blaine box?
- 00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,938 I told you we should have just gone to my parents' house.
- 00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:15,940 No, you didn't.Well, I didn't say it out loud,
- 00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,464 but it should be well known by now
- 00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,204 that I'd always rather be there.
- 00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:20,641 -Oh, God, oh no! -Aw, geez, Rick!
- 00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:22,599 Sir, we've got Rick and Morty inside the box!
- 00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,166 Then that confirms it.Sir?
- 00:06:24,209 --> 00:06:26,821 No David Blaine box can hold Rick Sanchez.
- 00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:28,083 Scan the turkey truck!
- 00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:29,476 Huh. That's weird.
- 00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,521 ID chips for Fincher and Rodriguez are glitching.
- 00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:32,740 Sanchez...
- 00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:34,611 I'll deal with this bastard myself.
- 00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:35,743 Sir, don't be a cowboy.
- 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,353 You can't get re-elected dead.
- 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,094 System is calibrated, sir.
- 00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,965 That pill contains a tracking chip that will identify --
- 00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:43,011 I know, it'll be important later!
- 00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:44,621 Do it.
- 00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:47,102 [ Screams ]
- 00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:49,017 Reporter: Moments from now,
- 00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:51,106 the President will be pardoning a turkey...
- 00:06:53,674 --> 00:06:55,066 Home stretch, Morty.
- 00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:57,025 Here comes dip shit right on schedule.
- 00:06:57,068 --> 00:06:59,593 Nothing can go wrong now.
- 00:06:59,636 --> 00:07:00,855 Morty: Jesus, is that --Oh, shit.
- 00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,204 The President has the upper hand.
- 00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:03,727 G-Grandpa fucked up. Sunglasses on.
- 00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,512 Act like a turkey. What? Wha-- Are you scared?
- 00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:07,209 Act like a turkey!
- 00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,169 That's Rodriguez and Fincher, sir.
- 00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:13,868 It's Rick and Morty, you useless fucking stump humper!
- 00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:16,348 Sorry, don't tell 10% of your friends I called you that.
- 00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:17,480 Mr. President.
- 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,351 Sanchez, admit it. You lose.
- 00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:21,223 Say it and I'll let your loser ass go.
- 00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:22,790 [ Exhales ]
- 00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,661 Did you just try to spit in my face with no saliva gland?
- 00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:26,663 Just pardon me, dick.Why the hell would I?
- 00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,317 Oh, I dunno, 'cause if I move to Canada,
- 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,579 they'll be the best country!
- 00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:31,494 I'll peck your Goddamn eyes out!
- 00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:32,800 Ow! Hey!
- 00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,497 Shit! My plume!
- 00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:36,543 Hey, back off!
- 00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:38,893 Blueberries! We got blueberries down!
- 00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:40,895 Hold your positions, it's a feeding frenzy!
- 00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:42,200 I-I can't see.
- 00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:43,506 I mean, I can see.
- 00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:47,902 270 degrees -- it's too many degrees!
- 00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:50,252 Sir, we are losing the mental game down here.
- 00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:51,471 General Green: Keep it together, soldier!
- 00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,211 POTUS is still in that pen --
- 00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,916 We just lost New York to France!
- 00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,526 Pull out the President right now!
- 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,746 Gobble Tango -- I want POTUS out of that pen!
- 00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:08,139 That is an order! Locate the president's chip!
- 00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:09,706 Roger, roger.
- 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,055 There he is, I got him.
- 00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:13,275 Let's go, boys! Let's fly out the Eagle!
- 00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,234 Hey, that's not me!
- 00:08:16,278 --> 00:08:19,847 Package is secure. Pull us out.
- 00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:23,241 Computer: Reinjecting subject DNA.
- 00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:25,766 [ All scream ]
- 00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:33,469 Hoppin' Jehovah, you look like five pounds of shit
- 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,036 in a whore's lunchbox.
- 00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:36,907 You alright, Mr. President?
- 00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:38,561 Yes. I am...
- 00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:39,997 the President.
- 00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,304 Clean his ass up and get him to the War Room.
- 00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:43,653 Hey! Gobble Squad!
- 00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,350 You got the wrong guy, you morons!
- 00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:46,787 [ Gobbling ]
- 00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:48,702 Look at this dumb piece of shit. Gobbling away.
- 00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:50,617 Get back in there!
- 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:53,533 Alright boys, you heard the VP. Pardon is tits up.
- 00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:55,056 Pack up and ship out!
- 00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,887 As for you, Sanchez...
- 00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,541 bon appétit.
- 00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:05,936 Where is this elevator going?
- 00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:08,199 Where all the unchosen turkeys go.
- 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,071 The feeding chamber.
- 00:09:11,638 --> 00:09:13,553 [ Creature roars ]
- 00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,076 What the fuck is that?
- 00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:17,165 Not what...who.
- 00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:20,211 The only thing to fear is... me!
- 00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:21,604 How the fuck does the White House
- 00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,519 have a cloned spider of FDR?
- 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,999 It's no clone, it's FDR.
- 00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:26,696 He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine.
- 00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:29,046 We asked ourselves "What walks the most?"
- 00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:30,787 "We?" You're taking credit for this?
- 00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,964 The office comes with baggage, Morty.
- 00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,226 Rick, I'm afraid to die!
- 00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:36,663 You won't have to be for long, Morty!
- 00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:37,925 We're due to return to human form any second!
- 00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,361 Then what?
- 00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:41,058 Then we just have to not get eaten by the spider!
- 00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:42,843 Oh, so in other words, be afraid to die?
- 00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:44,409 Morty, if winning an argument is that important to you,
- 00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:45,628 you were never alive!
- 00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:48,283 Time for a New Deal... Murder!
- 00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,459 President: I'm sick of hearing how iconic you were!
- 00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:54,028 Try having an historical administration after Facebook
- 00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:57,379 goes online, you old-timey bitch!
- 00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,816 Morty, tear open that panel!
- 00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,079 How's this for a fireside chat?
- 00:10:02,123 --> 00:10:05,169 [ Screaming ]
- 00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,518 Woof. You just killed FDR.
- 00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:07,955 He was a monster, though.
- 00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,913 Don't mythologize him. He was a politician.
- 00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:12,089 Speaking of, you kind of saved our bacon there,
- 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:13,395 so I'll make you a deal.
- 00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,179 You pardon us and I'll make you human.
- 00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:16,659 Wrong turkey.
- 00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:18,443 Man, the face blindness is real.
- 00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:22,056 I'd like these... men...
- 00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:23,840 turned back into humans, please.
- 00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:25,537 Uh, yes, of course, Mr. President.
- 00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,714 But I thought we already rehumanized
- 00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,106 all the turkified marines.
- 00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:32,066 I'd like these men turned back into humans.
- 00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,241 I am the President.
- 00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:34,546 Yes, sir. Uh, sure thing.
- 00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:38,986 Increase their strength by 1,000%.
- 00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:41,379 But... that wouldn't be human.
- 00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:45,557 Turkeys have always been more than human.
- 00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,735 Okay, uh, so right there, now I'm starting to --
- 00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:54,741 I am selling New York to France.
- 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:57,918 And giving all of the money to Congress.
- 00:10:57,961 --> 00:10:59,484 [ Cheering ]
- 00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:00,703 Now that's how you do it!
- 00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,531 He became President today.
- 00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:04,838 [ Gasping, murmuring ]
- 00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,274 That's right, murmur!
- 00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:07,928 And when you're done, get me some pants.
- 00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:10,365 If you're the President, who the hell have we been
- 00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,802 governing the country with for the last three hours?
- 00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,543 An impostor, you good for nothing idiot!
- 00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:16,458 You humanized the wrong turkey!
- 00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:17,807 It's possible.
- 00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:20,070 We shouldn't leave anything to chance.
- 00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:23,900 Wouldn't want Congress working with the wrong president.
- 00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:26,555 A very good point, Mr. President.
- 00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,296 Do we believe this fine feathered,
- 00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,777 collaborative gentleman to be our commander-in-chief?
- 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:34,171 Or are we gonna let "Mr. Cash Bar at the Christmas Party"
- 00:11:34,215 --> 00:11:35,477 stay in office?
- 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,132 All in favor of Turkey President?
- 00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:39,394 You can't be serious.
- 00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:40,830 You think he cares about America?
- 00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,180 Is that why this is happening to you?
- 00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:46,706 Because you cared about America?
- 00:11:46,749 --> 00:11:48,795 Guards, these men are...
- 00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:49,839 oh, what is the word?
- 00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:51,493 Uh, terrorists.
- 00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:54,365 Okay, screw this. Go, Go, Sanchez laser fists.
- 00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:57,325 Oh, shit, I was a turkey for a while, wasn't I?
- 00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:59,196 Okay, guy's pretty strong.
- 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,720 Mary Todd Lincoln!
- 00:12:03,984 --> 00:12:05,942 Who's dead weight now, bitch?
- 00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:09,467 ♪♪
- 00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:13,602 You should regain feeling in your ass in a minute.
- 00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:15,212 Sorry my turrets blew up your motorcycle.
- 00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,866 Just give me some goddamn clothes.
- 00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:18,955 Must suck to have your only safe haven be my house.
- 00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,348 Y-you want your regular outfit
- 00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:21,828 or should we dress you like a terrorist?
- 00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,830 I don't need to be here, and I'm still the President.
- 00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,788 Oh, glad to hear it. That means you can give me that pardon.
- 00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:27,355 Or -- Or I could put you out with the trash.
- 00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,487 What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?
- 00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,402 I hate every country in the universe, brother!
- 00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:32,795 They're job placement programs
- 00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,318 for the politicians that invent them --
- 00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:35,798 Okay, Fight Club.
- 00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:38,235 I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on!
- 00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:39,846 You get paid to make sports metaphors!
- 00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:41,325 I clean your litterbox!
- 00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:43,545 So your little nerd paws don't have to touch
- 00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:45,765 another nerd's nerdy poopies while you're flexing
- 00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,810 your grody little edge lord anus all over it!
- 00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,812 Guys, maybe you're both right and both wrong.
- 00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:51,379 Both: Shut up, Morty!
- 00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,250 You little bitch, you destroyed the Constitution.
- 00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:54,643 You're the biggest booger eater here!
- 00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:57,341 Do nottalk to my son that way.
- 00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:58,778 Sorry, Mrs. Smith.
- 00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:00,127 The two of you are ruining Thanksgiving.
- 00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,606 Together.
- 00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:02,738 And you can both either come to the table
- 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,522 and eat food with my family
- 00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:07,830 or you can keep doing what you're doing at the corner bar.
- 00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:09,876 Bars actually suck at Thanksgiving.
- 00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:12,226 Dorothy: I'm still trying to sort through this.
- 00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,793 One of you wishes you had the personal quality
- 00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,490 known as courage
- 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,579 but the other two of you want actual vital organs?
- 00:13:17,622 --> 00:13:19,929 This Charlie Kaufman reboot of "Wizard of Oz"
- 00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:21,626 is destroying itself.
- 00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,063 That's why I need a brain!
- 00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:26,240 I'm doing a terrible job writing this!
- 00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:28,851 Pass the potatoes.
- 00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,505 Thank you. Mm-hmm.
- 00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:32,289 Good green beans, Mom.
- 00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,552 The turkey's raw, Dad. Shit's potato bunz.
- 00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,598 Sorry, Summer, the United States enclosed us
- 00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:39,079 in a shimmer bubble that scrambled my oven timer.
- 00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:41,429 So I guess elections dohave consequences.
- 00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:44,214 Eat my ass, Jerry. I've seen your IRS records.
- 00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:46,434 You can blame me once you have taxable income.
- 00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,305 [ Laughs ] Yes, Jerry is a piece of shit.
- 00:13:48,349 --> 00:13:49,785 I agree.[ News fanfare plays]
- 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,787 Um, guys? What's that?
- 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,181 Paula, as you can see, President Curtis has enacted
- 00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:56,270 a plan to turn all turkeys in America
- 00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:57,880 into hybrid super soldiers.
- 00:13:57,924 --> 00:13:59,882 The move has 100% approval from Congress
- 00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,971 following its third pay raise in six hours.
- 00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:02,972 Back to you.
- 00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:07,281 ♪♪
- 00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,196 My God, the bastard's unhinged!
- 00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,198 There won't be a single bird left in DC!
- 00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:13,809 Oh, wow, wiping out a native population on Thanksgiving?
- 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,377 That's never happened before.What did you just say?
- 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:18,248 Well, I-I associated Thanksgiving with genocide.
- 00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,381 It's what young people do. I wasn't trying to --
- 00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:22,078 The Crypt of the New World.
- 00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:24,341 That could be our one chance to turn this thing around.
- 00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:25,647 You know about the Crypt?
- 00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,301 Ugh, so the treasure's already gone.
- 00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:29,477 Wait, is that why you were stealing the Constitution?
- 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:30,913 You old fart dick.
- 00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,610 The Crypt of the New World isn't a treasure.
- 00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,177 But it might be our only hope. Come on.
- 00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:36,353 But isn't the crypt underneath DC?
- 00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:38,007 The Turkey President's got an army.
- 00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,748 An actual Army. And an Air Force.
- 00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:41,141 And Marines --Slow down, Morty.
- 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:42,577 Walk us through every military service.
- 00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:43,883 Does somebody have a pen?
- 00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:45,145 We've got something more powerful
- 00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:46,798 than every army in the world.
- 00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:49,192 Well, no, we don't, but with the right speech,
- 00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,977 we could get a handful of well-trained hillbillies.
- 00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,717 Eh, it worked against the British. I'm in.
- 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,590 Birds replacin' people.
- 00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,071 What would Johnny Cash or Dale Earnhardt say?
- 00:14:58,114 --> 00:15:00,334 He'd say "It's time to walk the line"
- 00:15:00,377 --> 00:15:02,336 or "Drive very fast between two of them."
- 00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:04,077 We don't serve your kind here.
- 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,556 Oh, my God, are you serious?
- 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,254 Read the sign.
- 00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:08,342 He's my boss, Marvin.
- 00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:09,647 It's okay.
- 00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:11,998 Mistrusting Presidents is a patriotic duty.
- 00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:13,782 And that guy on TV isn't me.
- 00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:16,002 He's a turkey infused with my DNA.
- 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,917 I'll be damned.
- 00:15:20,397 --> 00:15:21,877 Well, I'm racist.
- 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,184 You better not be here to take my man again.
- 00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:25,794 -Mary Lou. -I'm poor!
- 00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:26,882 And pregnant!
- 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,188 With a poor person!
- 00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,667 And I need you.
- 00:15:29,711 --> 00:15:31,408 And 10% of your baby.
- 00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:34,934 Now, look, I know it's gonna take more than some speech.
- 00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,587 But what is a speech?
- 00:15:36,631 --> 00:15:38,372 Isn't it just a question?
- 00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,113 And isn't that a question too?
- 00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,723 Speeches are words.
- 00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:42,942 Repeated words.
- 00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:44,291 Listed words.
- 00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:46,032 Repeated lists of repeated words.
- 00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,642 None of that matters.
- 00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:48,991 You know what does matter?
- 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,254 Me. Asking you.
- 00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:53,865 "Will you do what I say?"
- 00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:55,824 Just two questions, Chief.
- 00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:59,045 Lock? And load?
- 00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:00,263 They're rhetorical, sir!
- 00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,395 Lock and load!
- 00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:03,179 [ Cheering ]
- 00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:11,405 ♪♪
- 00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:13,929 Sir, we've got Rick and Morty coming in what appears to be
- 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,931 an unlicensed "Star Wars" AT-AT.
- 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,412 Or as the millennials say, A-T, A-T.
- 00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:19,761 So it begins.
- 00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:20,762 Gobblers!
- 00:16:20,805 --> 00:16:22,372 Tonight, we rise!
- 00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:24,940 [ Gobbles ]
- 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:30,467 ♪♪
- 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,816 Aww, geez, geez, geez.
- 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,559 Nice driving, Sanchez.
- 00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,257 Wire's down, pen is clear.
- 00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:38,649 You know the Goddamn rules!
- 00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:39,955 If you see something clucking or pecking,
- 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,391 put a buckshot in its panties.
- 00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:47,093 [ Roars ]
- 00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:55,492 ♪♪
- 00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:57,886 Jesus Christ! T-they got Johnson!
- 00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,453 He got off easy.
- 00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,150 Cooper: Hold off the bastards!
- 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,066 What now, Rick?
- 00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,633 Time to turn up the broiler.
- 00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:07,287 [ Roars ]
- 00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:12,292 ♪♪
- 00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:13,771 Whoa, i-is that --
- 00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:15,860 The Crypt of the New World.
- 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:21,170 The treasure you were after is this country's oldest secret.
- 00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:25,044 One disguised by centuries of Thanksgiving folklore.
- 00:17:27,916 --> 00:17:30,136 Is that... a turkey dinosaur?
- 00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:31,789 America's original rulers.
- 00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:35,097 Merciless beasts, grazing on the flesh of cowering humans.
- 00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,708 Then, in the 15th century, a vessel crashed.
- 00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:38,840 Two vessels, really.
- 00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,669 On board -- our saviors.
- 00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,976 Sanchez, pull that lever at the same time I do.
- 00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:53,985 ♪♪
- 00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:55,161 [ All growl ]
- 00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:57,250 Oh, shit, they're gonna fight!
- 00:17:57,293 --> 00:17:58,990 Morty: No, wait, they love each other!
- 00:17:59,034 --> 00:18:00,688 They were at war when they arrived,
- 00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:03,169 but they united over their hatred of turkeys.
- 00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:05,214 And what they love even more than each other
- 00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:06,955 is kicking turkey butt.
- 00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:07,999 Gentlemen!
- 00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:10,263 Ba'ruka Dar Tin'in Yo-Tei!
- 00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,747 Coooooooooorn!
- 00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:22,405 ♪♪
- 00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:23,972 It's working!
- 00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:26,279 Come on, Sanchez, let's power down the humanizer ray.
- 00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:32,633 Whose side are we on?
- 00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:34,939 I don't know, but we've done enough to pay for college.
- 00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:37,942 Look, we're almost there.
- 00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:40,858 Sorry, my turn for a surprise.
- 00:18:40,902 --> 00:18:42,904 Damn, this guy loves arriving from the shadows.
- 00:18:42,947 --> 00:18:45,298 Look around. You can't beat our ancient warriors.
- 00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:48,692 Can't I? My kind has always dealt with predators.
- 00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:50,738 That's why we sleep in trees.
- 00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:53,828 And that's why, in the wild, we fly.
- 00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:55,960 ♪♪
- 00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:58,180 Now you must choose ---
- 00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:00,748 Fight me, or stop that weapon from turning
- 00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:04,404 all of America's turkeys into a new master race.
- 00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:05,927 You dumb dip shit, there's three of us,
- 00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:07,233 and two of us are spacemen.
- 00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:09,148 Obviously they're gonna save America
- 00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,279 and bring that monument home,
- 00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:12,238 and I'm gonna kick your ass.
- 00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,543 Oh, and, Sanchez?
- 00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,023 You got your pardon. Aw.
- 00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:16,981 Shut up, Morty. Come on.
- 00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,505 Let's go, bitch.
- 00:19:18,548 --> 00:19:20,159 So be it.
- 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,684 Is it true what Turkey Man said?
- 00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:24,859 That turkeys sleep in trees?
- 00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:26,208 Who the hell cares, Morty?
- 00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,949 Let's just [burps] deactivate this shit.
- 00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,603 Calibrating. [ Gobbles]
- 00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:31,953 Targeting all American turkeys.
- 00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:33,389 Oh, my God, they gave it a voice?
- 00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:36,218 Who is this for? We're in space.
- 00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:37,959 Geez, Rick, I-I-I guess them?
- 00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:39,395 Morty, use this carefully.
- 00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:40,788 Crack the humanizer core and cut the blue wire.
- 00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,093 You hear me? Blue wire.
- 00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:43,399 Wha-- Why don't we just blow it up?
- 00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:44,835 It's a national monument, fuck nut!
- 00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,228 We just got pardoned.
- 00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,056 You really wanna do this again next year?
- 00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:52,887 [ Both grunting ]
- 00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,367 You forgot something, Turkey Man.
- 00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,978 No matter what you got people to believe,
- 00:19:57,021 --> 00:19:59,154 I'm still the Goddamn President.
- 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,375 And you forget, in the one day I've had your job,
- 00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:04,812 I've learned 10 times as much.
- 00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:06,466 I've underestimated you.
- 00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:08,250 For the last time.
- 00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:13,212 ♪♪
- 00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:15,301 Rick, they're not exactly primary colors!
- 00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:17,303 A-Are -- Are we cool with, like, t-turquoise?
- 00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:19,522 Are you kidding me, Morty? Just cut the damn thing!
- 00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:20,610 [ Gobbles ]
- 00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:24,135 Oh, shit, oh, fuck --
- 00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:26,486 Targets acquired. Activating weapon.
- 00:20:26,529 --> 00:20:29,706 Oh, shit! Oooooooh!
- 00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,447 Heritage destroyed.
- 00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:32,579 Morty!
- 00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:37,018 God damn it, you had one job!
- 00:20:43,111 --> 00:20:44,982 [ Groans ]
- 00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:46,288 I beat you.
- 00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,203 Look at me, you turkey ass bitch.
- 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,857 [ Laughs ]
- 00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,554 Wait, why are you --
- 00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:53,295 Is that a wishbone?
- 00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,384 I wish to explode.
- 00:20:55,428 --> 00:20:58,039 [ Laughs ]
- 00:20:58,082 --> 00:21:02,348 ♪♪
- 00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,088 Man: The Berlin Wall has come down.
- 00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:05,525 Man #2: It's called the Playstation.
- 00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,353 The winner is... "Shakespeare in Love."
- 00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,050 -Playstation 2. -Hurricane Katrina
- 00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:11,052 slams Louisiana... -Playstation 3.
- 00:21:11,095 --> 00:21:12,575 -This is Maroon Five... -Playstation 4.
- 00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:16,144 -The Cubbies win! -I want a Playstation 5.
- 00:21:16,187 --> 00:21:17,406 [ Gasping ]
- 00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:18,929 I wasn't sure when to pull you out.
- 00:21:18,973 --> 00:21:21,105 I-I assumed you were running through your whole life.
- 00:21:21,149 --> 00:21:22,237 Yes.
- 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,239 And what a life it was.
- 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:27,808 Gentlemen, thank you once again for saving this nation.
- 00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:29,723 Slloosh garg blurrg.
- 00:21:29,766 --> 00:21:31,290 I don't speak googa.
- 00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,379 The CIA only taught me your activation phrase.
- 00:21:33,422 --> 00:21:34,858 But if I could say anything...
- 00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:38,471 I'd say give America one more chance.
- 00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:44,520 Kalaak 'ha benben prilo garg.
- 00:21:44,564 --> 00:21:46,740 Oh, my God, they're gonna fight. Th-They're really gonna fight.
- 00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:49,960 -Aw, they love each other! -Never gets old.
- 00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:51,484 I'll never get tired of that.
- 00:21:51,527 --> 00:21:53,790 So...after those aliens discovered America...
- 00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:55,401 They went into hibernation,
- 00:21:55,444 --> 00:21:58,752 leaving us the technology we used to lead the free world.
- 00:21:58,795 --> 00:22:01,015 That and also to do stuff like slavery.
- 00:22:01,058 --> 00:22:03,104 I always thought we were... more special than that.
- 00:22:03,147 --> 00:22:05,106 Like we invented everything and did everything
- 00:22:05,149 --> 00:22:06,586 and that's why we own everything.
- 00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,805 Now I-I-I-I don't know what to feel.
- 00:22:08,849 --> 00:22:10,503 Feel thankful, Morty.
- 00:22:10,546 --> 00:22:12,331 Feel thankful.
- 00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:20,208 ♪♪
- 00:22:20,251 --> 00:22:28,085 ♪♪
- 00:22:28,129 --> 00:22:35,963 ♪♪
- 00:22:36,006 --> 00:22:43,840 ♪♪
- 00:22:43,884 --> 00:22:45,973 I know, baby.
- 00:22:46,016 --> 00:22:48,845 Coop, honey, should we get Lucky Charms or Kibble Bibbitz?
- 00:22:48,889 --> 00:22:50,543 You know we can't afford either.
- 00:22:50,586 --> 00:22:53,459 Baby, the President owes you. You saved him.
- 00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:55,112 Ain't his fault our insurance got cut.
- 00:22:55,156 --> 00:22:56,592 They gotta build missiles.
- 00:22:56,636 --> 00:22:59,508 Ugh, fine, just -- Can y'all hold Jakey for a second?
- 00:23:01,815 --> 00:23:05,775 [ High-pitched ringing ]
- 00:23:05,819 --> 00:23:07,473 [ Jakey crying ]
- 00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:11,085 Bag Boy: What the hell's he doin?
- 00:23:11,128 --> 00:23:12,303 Deli Guy: I think he's foraging.
- 00:23:12,347 --> 00:23:14,131 Crazy bastard thinks he's a turkey.
- 00:23:14,175 --> 00:23:16,220 Well, I refuse to pay for this man's health care.
- 00:23:16,264 --> 00:23:20,877 ♪♪
- 00:23:22,488 --> 00:23:23,706 Did you get any of that?