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Звёздный рикрейсер „Гадлактика“
Пытаясь установить рождественские огни, Джерри падает с крыши. Прежде чем он упадёт на землю, Рик стреляет в Джерри лучом, который делает его легче воздуха на 10 часов, прежде чем сделать его обувь тяжелее воздуха, что делает Джерри невесомым и позволяет ему прыгать выше обычного. Рик и Морти отправляются в приключение, но их корабль ломается в космосе. Во время ремонта за пределами корабля Морти кусает астронавт-змея, которую затем Морти убивает. Морти пытается искупить смерть змеи, покупая другую змею в зоомагазине и отправляя её на змеиную планету; однако змеи быстро определяют, что она не из их мира. Вскоре появляется робот-змея и атакует Морти, прежде чем другая змея материализуется и защищает его. Появляется всё больше змей, которые попеременно атакуют или защищают Смитов. Рик объясняет, что действия Морти заставили змей объединиться и изобрести машину времени. Рик и Морти отправляются в современный змеиный Пентагон, чтобы завершить войну, но змеи ещё не завершили машину. Будущие Рик и Морти (с синяком под глазом) появляются с маскировкой и книгой, полной инструкций о путешествиях во времени на змеином языке, а также грубо оскорбляют самих себя в прошлом. Нынешние Рик и Морти отправляются в 1985 год и оставляют книгу в змеином Массачусетском технологическом институте, прежде чем вернуться в настоящее. Между тем, Джерри теряет одну из своих туфель, пытаясь продемонстрировать свою невесомость, из-за чего беспомощно улетает. Рассуждая, что он либо выживет без помощи, либо обвинят Рика в его смерти, он отвергает попытки Рика и Бет помочь ему. Когда действие невесомости почти проходит, когда он находится высоко над землей, Джерри готовится упасть насмерть, но мимо пролетает самолёт, к которому он прикрепляется. Самолёт разбивается из-за того, что в двигатель влетает змея, но Джерри выживает. Вернувшись на Землю, на планету обрушивается дождь из путешествующих во времени змей и роботов-змей. Как и планировал Рик, большое количество путешествий во времени привлекает внимание копов времени из «Рика во времени», которые путешествуют во времени и убивают первую примитивную змею, использовавшую инструменты, тем самым предотвращая существование змеиной цивилизации и вызывая исчезновение змей. Джерри оказывается на крыше, утверждая, что был там все время, и включает рождественские огни, прежде чем падает и ломает ногу. Рик излечивает ногу Джерри на 50 %, считая, что он вернулся домой один, но также закрываясь от него дома. Рик и Морти с нетерпением ждут гоголь-моголя, прежде чем их самодовольное будущее грубо напомнит им о необходимости маскировки и заметок о путешествии во времени. Будущие Рик и Морти оскорбляют себя в прошлом, прежде чем уйти, чтобы насладиться гоголь-моголем, в то время как нынешние версии неохотно отказываются от своей работы, в то же время сомневаясь в подлости будущих версий. В сцене после титров, ожидая встречи со своими прошлыми «я» на планете змей, Морти спрашивает, не забывают ли они что-то. Рик напоминает Морти, чтобы он в следующий раз оставался в машине, прежде чем ударить его кулаком в глаз.
- 00:00:01,520 --> 00:00:03,020 Морти, обязательно пописай перед отъездом.
- 00:00:03,050 --> 00:00:04,410 Приключение будет долгим,
- 00:00:04,410 --> 00:00:06,140 и опустошать кувшин мне не особо охота.
- 00:00:06,290 --> 00:00:08,930 Джерри, прошу, позволь мне автоматизировать эту рутинную хрень!
- 00:00:08,950 --> 00:00:12,110 Я ни у кого не просил помощи, и вы двое можете уходить.
- 00:00:12,130 --> 00:00:14,680 Мама сказала мне остаться здесь и проследить, чтоб ты не умер.
- 00:00:14,690 --> 00:00:17,220 Ну тогда передай матери, что я не пропаду.
- 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:18,960 Не приучай ребёнка врать, Джерри,
- 00:00:18,990 --> 00:00:20,990 даже если, ну, Рождество на носу.
- 00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:22,860 Тогда сам ей передам. Уоу!
- 00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,710 Я же просил, больше никаких лучемётов!
- 00:00:25,710 --> 00:00:27,250 Чем ты там в меня пульнул?
- 00:00:27,250 --> 00:00:30,320 Теперь твоя атомная матрица чуть легче воздуха.
- 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,560 А ботинки чуть тяжелее воздуха,
- 00:00:32,590 --> 00:00:34,190 что делает тебя плюс-минус невесомым.
- 00:00:34,190 --> 00:00:37,060 И, на мой взгляд, концептуально это более впечатляюще,
- 00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:39,120 чем хождение по воде. Но что я понимаю?
- 00:00:39,130 --> 00:00:41,390 Божий промысел не одарял меня с рождения.
- 00:00:41,420 --> 00:00:43,890 Я сам всей хуйни достиг.
- 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,330 Сразу проясню: это не значит, что ты мне помог.
- 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,530 Эффект пройдёт через 10 часов, и следующий такой выстрел обойдётся тебе в 30 баксов.
- 00:00:50,630 --> 00:00:53,170 Да будто оно мне нужно на все 10 часов.
- 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,200 Сири, поставь таймер на 9 часов и 50 минут.
- 00:00:55,220 --> 00:00:56,760 Включаю группу Beatles.
- 00:00:57,740 --> 00:00:59,010 - Мне надо пописать. - Неа.
- 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:00,720 Могу дать тебе сколопендру,
- 00:01:00,740 --> 00:01:01,810 проглотишь – и сразу расхочется.
- 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:03,300 Не буду я глотать сколопендру.
- 00:01:03,350 --> 00:01:05,410 Ты думаешь, сколопендре охота твою мочу уплетать?
- 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,370 В этой сделке жертва далеко не ты.
- 00:01:07,810 --> 00:01:08,910 Ой-ой, прокол шины.
- 00:01:08,940 --> 00:01:11,130 Как прокол шины вообще возможен в космосе, Рик?
- 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,490 Очевидно, от острого предмета в космосе, Морти.
- 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:16,160 Офигеть, будто реально со спущенным колесом едем..
- 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,230 Не-не, это я так запрограммировал,
- 00:01:18,230 --> 00:01:20,920 сигнал о сдутом колесе симулирует полное погружение.
- 00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:23,080 Могу отключить. По мне это прикольнее,
- 00:01:23,110 --> 00:01:25,440 чем сигнал голосами знаменитостей, но ладно.
- 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:29,040 Колесо спустило? Доставай запасную Чарли Шину.
- 00:01:29,070 --> 00:01:30,250 Н-да.
- 00:01:30,510 --> 00:01:32,680 - Можно мне с тобой выйти, Рик? - Не, я такое в кино видел.
- 00:01:32,710 --> 00:01:34,510 Двое покидают корабль.
- 00:01:34,540 --> 00:01:35,940 Одного уносит к чёртовой бабушке.
- 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,630 Оставайся здесь, в безопасности.
- 00:01:42,380 --> 00:01:43,650 - Морти, твою ж треть! - Ну эй!
- 00:01:43,650 --> 00:01:45,320 Хоть разок мне тут можно позависать?
- 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,180 Эх, молодёжь, вы думаете, что космос –
- 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:48,520 это как вечернее шоу.
- 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:50,990 Видите его каждый день и мечтаете попасть туда,
- 00:01:50,990 --> 00:01:53,460 а оно мечтает высосать из вашего тела весь воздух,
- 00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:55,190 чтобы вы бесконечно кружили там
- 00:01:55,190 --> 00:01:56,860 в виде быстромумифицированного трупа,
- 00:01:56,860 --> 00:01:59,930 космос того же самого хочет, так что полезай в тачку.
- 00:01:59,930 --> 00:02:01,860 Мне ничто не грозит. Тут вообще ничего нет!
- 00:02:01,870 --> 00:02:03,670 Здесь есть буквально всё,
- 00:02:03,670 --> 00:02:05,940 и в этот раз я слишком занят, чтобы тебе помочь.
- 00:02:05,940 --> 00:02:08,410 Ну да, обычно же ты мне всегда помогаешь.
- 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,770 - Проклятье! - Что это?
- 00:02:13,770 --> 00:02:15,530 Космическая змея, очевидно.
- 00:02:15,550 --> 00:02:17,320 В космосе есть змеи?
- 00:02:17,350 --> 00:02:19,560 В космосе есть буквально всё, Морти!
- 00:02:19,590 --> 00:02:21,680 А теперь пиздуй обратно в машину!
- 00:02:54,660 --> 00:02:55,900 Рик, я умираю.
- 00:02:56,590 --> 00:02:57,970 Я вижу чёрную гору.
- 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,330 На деле умирающие люди не жужжат об этом без остановки.
- 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:01,570 - Правда? - Без понятия.
- 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,730 Обычно вокруг меня все умирают быстрее.
- 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:05,950 Ладно-ладно.
- 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,230 Сейчас проанализирую планету этой змеи и состряпаю противоядие.
- 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:11,100 Компьютер, тебе стоит поторопиться.
- 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,830 Морти начинает походить на японского призрака из 90-х.
- 00:03:13,830 --> 00:03:15,570 Срезаю углы.
- 00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,970 О боже мой, ну и бардак у этих змей.
- 00:03:17,970 --> 00:03:20,770 19 миллиардов змей, разделённых на 10,000 наций,
- 00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:23,180 находятся на грани войны из-за...
- 00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:25,040 расы.
- 00:03:25,050 --> 00:03:26,050 Разве не угарно?
- 00:03:26,050 --> 00:03:27,980 Представь, что ты расистская змея.
- 00:03:27,980 --> 00:03:29,450 "Эй, другая змея, я тебя ненавижу
- 00:03:29,450 --> 00:03:31,580 из-за цвета кожи."
- 00:03:31,590 --> 00:03:34,120 Боже ты мой! Тебе не смешно?
- 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,100 А, ты умираешь.
- 00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:37,920 Просто чудо, что они смогли так далеко зайти
- 00:03:37,930 --> 00:03:39,860 и не доползти до вымирания.
- 00:03:39,860 --> 00:03:42,530 О боже, я убил их...
- 00:03:42,530 --> 00:03:44,530 Как там этого космонавта звали? Нил Амстердам?
- 00:03:44,530 --> 00:03:45,800 Нил Адлер, Морти,
- 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,400 но тут вообще другая история.
- 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,540 Это самка,
- 00:03:48,540 --> 00:03:50,000 от чего ещё сильнее душу рвёт.
- 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,940 Стоп-стоп! Морти, ты это слышишь?
- 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,020 Зацени.
- 00:03:53,540 --> 00:03:55,340 Змеиный джаз.
- 00:03:55,340 --> 00:03:57,680 Ха, вот болваны! Погнали.
- 00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:58,750 Впереди долгий путь,
- 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:00,250 а я не хочу глотать сколопендру.
- 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,370 Рик, погоди! Давай назад.
- 00:04:01,390 --> 00:04:04,390 Я не хочу стать причиной, по которой 19 миллиардов змей потеряют надежду.
- 00:04:04,420 --> 00:04:07,020 Верно, Морти. Только 19 миллиардов змей могут так сделать.
- 00:04:07,020 --> 00:04:09,480 Этот вид ещё не пережил эту стадию.
- 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,690 Можно перефразировать великого Джеффа Фоксворти,
- 00:04:11,690 --> 00:04:13,870 "если в первый контакт цапаешь за лодыжку,
- 00:04:13,890 --> 00:04:16,670 твоя цивилизация, скорее всего, на низком уровне развития."
- 00:04:18,790 --> 00:04:20,170 Чё как, братва?
- 00:04:20,170 --> 00:04:22,100 Смотрю, вы в баскет рубитесь.
- 00:04:22,180 --> 00:04:25,300 Как насчёт дружеского пари? Спорим, что этот белый умеет прыгать?
- 00:04:25,310 --> 00:04:27,570 Эй, давай без расизма на площадке, лады?
- 00:04:27,580 --> 00:04:29,640 А я думал, что такие разговоры – это часть стритбола.
- 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,510 Ну а теперь это часть всего остального, так что остынь.
- 00:04:32,510 --> 00:04:33,910 Мы... начали не с той ноги.
- 00:04:33,910 --> 00:04:35,780 Меня зовут Джерри Смит. Я живу в пригороде.
- 00:04:35,780 --> 00:04:37,920 И я пришёл сюда, потому что у меня есть превосходство,
- 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,850 и я хочу использовать его, пока оно есть.
- 00:04:39,850 --> 00:04:41,590 Йо, у нас тут нацист.
- 00:04:41,590 --> 00:04:43,990 Эй, произошло недопонимание.
- 00:04:43,990 --> 00:04:45,790 Вот... смотрите.
- 00:04:47,130 --> 00:04:48,190 На помощь! Помогите!
- 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,000 Мне нужен этот ботинок!
- 00:04:51,070 --> 00:04:53,540 Нет, не трогайте ботинок и деньги.
- 00:04:53,540 --> 00:04:55,810 Они станут мощным и неоднозначным памятником
- 00:04:55,810 --> 00:04:57,350 принципиальности нашего района.
- 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,410 Боже, вот это приключение, да?
- 00:05:00,420 --> 00:05:02,550 Эй, Морти. Я вижу, что ты расстроен
- 00:05:02,550 --> 00:05:04,090 из-за всей этой ситуации со змеёй,
- 00:05:04,090 --> 00:05:05,350 так что поступим так.
- 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,550 Я буду избегать тебя до конца дня.
- 00:05:10,630 --> 00:05:12,260 Включи змеиный джаз.
- 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,310 А она дружелюбная?
- 00:05:28,310 --> 00:05:29,360 Это змея.
- 00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:31,310 Вы-вы не замечали, может, она смотрит в небо
- 00:05:31,310 --> 00:05:33,580 и мечтает о чём-то большем?
- 00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:36,980 Она нет, а те с красными ярлыками – да.
- 00:05:36,990 --> 00:05:38,920 Все змеи дороже 50 баксов тоскуют по неизведанному.
- 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,520 Я-я это видел, отвечаю.
- 00:05:44,130 --> 00:05:46,610 Ай! Твою мать, Ползуха, ну ты чего?
- 00:05:46,630 --> 00:05:48,630 Успокойся!
- 00:05:49,540 --> 00:05:50,670 Прости меня.
- 00:05:51,070 --> 00:05:53,680 У каждого дома есть плюмбус.
- 00:05:54,990 --> 00:05:57,630 Прежде всего берётся дингельбоб.
- 00:06:01,910 --> 00:06:03,900 Ай! Ебучая гадина!
- 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,310 - Хлоп-шлёп. - Как в этом говне вообще можно выиграть?
- 00:08:04,340 --> 00:08:05,940 Так далеко мы зашли впервые.
- 00:08:05,970 --> 00:08:08,230 Слушайте, я же вас просила присмотреть за Джерри?
- 00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:09,730 - Мы присмотрели. - Тогда где он?
- 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,230 Может, любовницу нашёл.
- 00:08:14,210 --> 00:08:15,980 Но серьёзно, его кто-нибудь видел?
- 00:08:16,010 --> 00:08:17,850 Деда, ты опять заточил его в картину?
- 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:18,810 Я ни хрена не делал.
- 00:08:18,820 --> 00:08:20,680 Ты-ты сделал его невесомым.
- 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,480 - Крысёныш. - Невесомым?
- 00:08:22,490 --> 00:08:25,350 Я спас его, сделав чуток легче воздуха,
- 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,150 и эффект закончится через пару часов.
- 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,360 Закончится, и он грохнется с неба?
- 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:30,830 Он не в небе, Бэт.
- 00:08:30,830 --> 00:08:34,230 Разве что Джерри не проебётся в ношении обуви.
- 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,900 - Твою мать, ему кранты. - Чем ты только думал?
- 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:48,540 - Привет, дорогая. - Джерри, ты сейчас в небе?
- 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,160 Рик сказал, что сделал тебя невесомым.
- 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,120 Сделал невесомым? Пффф.
- 00:08:52,150 --> 00:08:54,080 Ох уж этот Рик и его взгляд на вещи.
- 00:08:54,630 --> 00:08:56,430 Да, я попросил Рика сделать меня невесомым,
- 00:08:56,450 --> 00:08:57,740 чтобы повесить гирлянды.
- 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,450 Я сейчас в магазине гирлянд.
- 00:08:59,460 --> 00:09:00,630 Да свали!
- 00:09:00,650 --> 00:09:04,570 Прости, тут какая-то тётка меня заклевать пытается.
- 00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:08,260 Давайте вы мне поможете с выбором, когда я повешу трубку.
- 00:09:08,290 --> 00:09:10,310 Мы на корабле Рика. Скажи, где тебя подобрать?
- 00:09:10,330 --> 00:09:11,870 - Ты с Риком? - А как ты думал...
- 00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:13,470 Джерри, я поставил Бэт на паузу
- 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,840 устройством, которое мне дал Чарли Шин после записи.
- 00:09:15,870 --> 00:09:17,250 По серьёзке, ты сейчас где?
- 00:09:17,270 --> 00:09:18,970 - Пошёл ты, Рик. - Брось, Джерри.
- 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,590 Я же могу распознать чайку по звуку.
- 00:09:20,610 --> 00:09:23,080 А звук наполняющихся дождём штанов
- 00:09:23,110 --> 00:09:24,540 распознать можешь?
- 00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:26,680 Надеюсь, однажды смогу.
- 00:09:27,510 --> 00:09:28,620 Джерри, короче говоря,
- 00:09:28,620 --> 00:09:30,550 сейчас Рождество, и я сделаю тебе одолжение.
- 00:09:30,550 --> 00:09:32,620 Не дам тебе умереть и не скажу Бэт,
- 00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:34,220 что ты чуть не убился.
- 00:09:34,220 --> 00:09:36,760 - А по мне, всё идеально. - Не понял?
- 00:09:36,870 --> 00:09:39,210 Если я выживу, то самостоятельно,
- 00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:41,440 а если сдохну, это будет твой косяк.
- 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,090 С Рождеством, сучара.
- 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:47,740 В это Рождество Христово я Иисус!
- 00:10:01,620 --> 00:10:03,460 Конечно, с ним. Мы беспокоимся.
- 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,480 - Эээ, Джерри. - Да, милая.
- 00:10:06,510 --> 00:10:07,990 Просто скажи, где тебя забрать.
- 00:10:07,990 --> 00:10:09,390 Бэт, я очень тронут тем,
- 00:10:09,390 --> 00:10:11,530 что ты заботишься обо мне, но я в порядке,
- 00:10:11,530 --> 00:10:13,390 просто хочу подобрать ещё гирлянд
- 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,260 и поиметь твой мир!
- 00:10:15,270 --> 00:10:17,700 Милый, папа же услышит.
- 00:10:17,730 --> 00:10:18,860 Мне пора.
- 00:10:18,940 --> 00:10:20,400 До скорого.
- 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:21,310 Хорошо.
- 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,480 Кажется, он в порядке.
- 00:10:26,510 --> 00:10:29,250 Да, в этот раз я даже буду топить за него.
- 00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,220 Диетический Спрайт, пожалуйста.
- 00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:40,760 И тут, часом, нет водителей убера?
- 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,490 Сюда с камнями нельзя.
- 00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:44,230 - Что? - Я сказала, никаких камней.
- 00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:45,830 - Тут тебе не озеро. - Камень брось.
- 00:10:45,830 --> 00:10:48,230 Вообще-то, это служебный камень.
- 00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,500 Да, без него я летаю.
- 00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:51,770 Здоровяк притащил здоровый булыжник,
- 00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:53,030 думаешь, заборешь меня?
- 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,170 Ясное дело, нет. Вы же просто скала.
- 00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:56,440 - Так положь его! - Положь булыжник!
- 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,970 Если положу его, то начну летать,
- 00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:01,180 и вообще, в баре куча потолочных вентиляторов!
- 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,510 - Чё, крутым себя возомнил? - Брось булыжник!
- 00:11:02,510 --> 00:11:04,380 Ладно-ладно
- 00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:05,710 Эй, чё за хуйня...
- 00:11:05,710 --> 00:11:07,430 Я предупреждал вас!
- 00:11:07,460 --> 00:11:09,440 - Хорош тут летать! - Тут так не положено!
- 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,930 Думаешь, ты лучше нас? Пошёл отсюда!
- 00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:18,590 И подружку свою не забудь!
- 00:11:23,530 --> 00:11:25,470 Саммер, я потрясена,
- 00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:27,340 сегодня твой плейлист – просто топчик!
- 00:11:27,340 --> 00:11:28,940 Клёво да? Это змеиный джаз.
- 00:11:28,940 --> 00:11:31,070 Моего братца укусила космическая змея, которую он
- 00:11:31,070 --> 00:11:33,670 прибил колесом, дедуле пришлось сканировать всю их культуру
- 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,810 в поисках противоядия, и они нашли это.
- 00:11:35,810 --> 00:11:36,950 Тащусь!
- 00:11:36,980 --> 00:11:40,180 Змеиный джаз, я тебя просто обожаю, отвечаю!
- 00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:42,010 Разве можно повлиять на эволюцию целого вида
- 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,350 без каких-либо последствий?
- 00:11:43,350 --> 00:11:44,820 Блин, а можно как-нибудь
- 00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:47,150 повлиять на твой задротский нудёж?
- 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:47,990 Извините.
- 00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:50,550 А позже мы обсудим твои тряпки и твой вес.
- 00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:51,510 Справедливо.
- 00:11:53,830 --> 00:11:55,030 Какого хрена?
- 00:11:55,030 --> 00:11:56,560 Цель обнаружена.
- 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,260 Там змеи! Вернитесь в машину!
- 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,350 Морти, да забудь ты уже о своих... Змеи!
- 00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:08,730 Цель обнаружена.
- 00:12:10,710 --> 00:12:14,140 Пришельцы, я машина из будущего, меня послали змеи-повстанцы,
- 00:12:14,140 --> 00:12:15,770 чтобы защитить вас от Змеекорп.
- 00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:18,670 Не бойтесь сходства, мой образ смоделирован по вашему подобию.
- 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:21,950 Ребёнок-примат должен быть уничтожен, чтобы сохранить нашу реальность.
- 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,720 Морти, какого хрена ты натворил?
- 00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,750 Я хотел поступить правильно.
- 00:12:25,780 --> 00:12:27,380 Я взял живую змею и...
- 00:12:29,830 --> 00:12:31,430 Спрячьтесь за мной. Я защищу...
- 00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,500 Почему они нападают на нас? Я же помог им.
- 00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:43,100 Ты показал им, что в космосе есть нечто побольше
- 00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:45,110 и пострашнее, это сплотило их, дурачок.
- 00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:46,640 Они бы вернулись в Средние века
- 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,900 на несколько поколений.
- 00:12:47,910 --> 00:12:49,500 Но вместо этого они решили
- 00:12:49,510 --> 00:12:50,970 посвятить свои жизни созданию
- 00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:53,510 непродуманной технологии по уничтожению вселенной
- 00:12:53,510 --> 00:12:56,110 по типу машины времени. И всё ради того, чтобы прибить одного говнюка на земле,
- 00:12:56,110 --> 00:12:57,710 который не мог оставить мёртвую змею в покое
- 00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,590 даже после укуса в ногу.
- 00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:02,360 В следующий раз оставайся в сраной тачке!
- 00:13:02,780 --> 00:13:08,090 21 июля 2026. 17 миллиардов змей прекратили своё существование.
- 00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:11,810 Тех, кто выжил, ожидал новый кошмар –
- 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,510 война машин и змей.
- 00:13:16,990 --> 00:13:19,050 В конце змеи одержали верх
- 00:13:19,050 --> 00:13:20,820 по совершенной случайности.
- 00:13:21,230 --> 00:13:26,340 Но пришелец, мальчик с дальней звезды, спас нас.
- 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,230 Куда мы, Рик? Что мы здесь делаем?
- 00:13:43,260 --> 00:13:46,270 Нам нужно в самое сердце Змеинет. Заткнись-ка и смотри в оба..
- 00:13:46,610 --> 00:13:48,540 Сопротивление бесполезно.
- 00:13:48,540 --> 00:13:50,850 Ого, погляди-ка. Этот-то довольно прикольный на самом деле.
- 00:13:50,870 --> 00:13:51,740 Иди ко мне, малыш.
- 00:13:51,950 --> 00:13:53,670 Ах ты, сучий потрох!
- 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:55,010 Пошли, Морти.
- 00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:59,220 Твой выводок должен быть уничтожен.
- 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,820 Вам не уничтожить её и её выводок.
- 00:14:02,010 --> 00:14:04,590 - Должен уничтожить выводок и мать. - За мной.
- 00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:06,760 Твой выводок породит всю жизнь на планете.
- 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,960 - Это какой-то бред. - Бредятина какая-то.
- 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,290 Смотри, это же Ползуха!
- 00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:11,780 Шире шаг, дерьмоклюй!
- 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,750 Привет, это автоответчик. Ваш номер не в моих контактах,
- 00:14:27,780 --> 00:14:28,980 так что не сотавляйте сообщение.
- 00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:30,650 Привет, солнце.
- 00:14:30,650 --> 00:14:33,570 Слушай, Морти сказал мне, что ты не веришь в то,
- 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,870 что я могу развесить гирлянды, не убив себя.
- 00:14:36,550 --> 00:14:40,500 Я хочу быть сильным мужчиной, которого ты заслуживешь,
- 00:14:41,860 --> 00:14:45,660 но правда в том, что... но правда в том, что наш дом будет гореть ярче Вегаса!
- 00:14:49,950 --> 00:14:51,200 Оу, почуял турбулентность?
- 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,800 Не, я под кайфом.
- 00:14:54,430 --> 00:14:55,900 Поделись.
- 00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:07,020 Полагаю, взяток вы не берёте?
- 00:15:12,090 --> 00:15:14,000 Кому ещё ноги подарить?
- 00:15:19,970 --> 00:15:21,510 Да твою налево, издеваетесь!
- 00:15:21,510 --> 00:15:23,240 Я думал, у них тут машина времени.
- 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,430 А она даже на четверть не закончена.
- 00:15:25,460 --> 00:15:27,100 Придётся изобрести её вместо них.
- 00:15:27,110 --> 00:15:28,570 Я не знаю змеиную математику.
- 00:15:28,570 --> 00:15:30,250 Не хотел, но придётся.
- 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,550 Сука. Ладно.
- 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,840 Чт-что происходит? Что ты делаешь?
- 00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:36,960 Напоминаю себе впрячься за твой проёб ещё сильнее.
- 00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:38,320 Шалом, опущенцы.
- 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,540 - Пошёл ты. От опущенца слышу. - Что за хрень?
- 00:15:40,990 --> 00:15:43,250 - Эй, ты... ты как? - Да иди ты на хуй!
- 00:15:43,260 --> 00:15:45,790 - Чего? Сам иди. - Вот.
- 00:15:45,790 --> 00:15:47,260 Брось. Вам тяжело было, что ли?
- 00:15:47,260 --> 00:15:48,930 А сам как думаешь? Идём, Морти.
- 00:15:48,930 --> 00:15:50,930 Мне интересно, откуда у меня фингал.
- 00:15:50,930 --> 00:15:53,010 Морти, завали и одевайся.
- 00:15:56,420 --> 00:16:01,460 ЗМЕИНЫЙ ТЕХНИЧЕСКИЙ УНИВЕРСИТЕТ, 1985.
- 00:16:02,950 --> 00:16:04,480 Слушай, ну так что мы делаем?
- 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,350 Здесь написано всё, что им нужно знать о временных скачках,
- 00:16:07,350 --> 00:16:10,080 и эти знания они получат в змеином 85-м.
- 00:16:10,340 --> 00:16:12,680 Это настолько рано, что мы будем не при делах,
- 00:16:12,690 --> 00:16:14,290 а их тупость будет в самом пике.
- 00:16:14,290 --> 00:16:15,690 А что потом?
- 00:16:15,690 --> 00:16:17,420 Мы соскочим с этой пиздецки всратой истории
- 00:16:17,420 --> 00:16:19,290 и дадим межвременным змейкам
- 00:16:19,290 --> 00:16:20,580 куснуть себя за хвост.
- 00:16:29,330 --> 00:16:31,000 ЗМЕИНЫЙ ТЕАТР ФОРДА, 1865 год.
- 00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,700 ЗМЕИНЫЙ БЕРЛИН, 1938 ГОД.
- 00:17:30,270 --> 00:17:32,400 Самое главное – держаться!
- 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,830 Джерри Смит, я тебя спасу.
- 00:17:34,830 --> 00:17:37,450 Что? Я же сказал Рику, что помощь мне не нужна!
- 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,770 Я не знаком с Риком.
- 00:17:38,770 --> 00:17:40,970 Меня прислало общество гибридов людей и змей
- 00:17:40,970 --> 00:17:42,910 - Типичный Рик! - из альтернативной версии...
- 00:17:46,250 --> 00:17:48,310 Получилось! Мы садимся!
- 00:17:48,310 --> 00:17:49,650 Я знал, что смогу!
- 00:17:59,130 --> 00:18:01,860 Господи, Рик, тут просто настоящий ад!
- 00:18:01,860 --> 00:18:03,610 Стало только хуже.
- 00:18:03,870 --> 00:18:05,530 Рик, смотри, Саммер!
- 00:18:09,210 --> 00:18:12,470 Никто не смеет душить меня без моего согласия.
- 00:18:12,470 --> 00:18:14,380 Рик, ты сделал только хуже.
- 00:18:14,410 --> 00:18:15,340 Поверь мне, Морти.
- 00:18:15,370 --> 00:18:17,010 Мы помогли им нажать педаль газа.
- 00:18:17,010 --> 00:18:19,110 Осталось дождаться, когда их тормознёт коп.
- 00:18:20,150 --> 00:18:22,860 ШТАБ МЕЖПРОСТРАНСТВЕННЫХ КОПОВ ВРЕМЕНИ.
- 00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:25,270 Шлимипортки у аппарата.
- 00:18:25,550 --> 00:18:28,420 Змеи? Путешествия во времени? Чё они сделали?
- 00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:31,620 Каким хером... Ладно-ладно, я этим займусь.
- 00:18:31,930 --> 00:18:35,180 Код 10-51 на сраной змеиной планете.
- 00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:37,360 Не смотри на меня. Я боюсь змей.
- 00:18:37,390 --> 00:18:39,140 "Я боюсь змей", пиздёж!
- 00:18:39,170 --> 00:18:41,090 Ты боишься работы. Вот, чё ты боишься.
- 00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:42,030 Ладно-ладно.
- 00:18:42,430 --> 00:18:43,710 Давай разберёмся с этим.
- 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:50,570 Ты только посмотри!
- 00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:52,240 Умная змеюка, да?
- 00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:53,910 Пользуешься орудиями труда?
- 00:18:53,910 --> 00:18:55,250 Этими орудиями ты накосячишь
- 00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:57,180 с материями пространства.
- 00:18:57,180 --> 00:18:58,980 - Иди сюда, пидорасина! - Ты чё удумал?
- 00:18:58,990 --> 00:19:01,680 - Не шути со временем! - Не шути, сука, со временем!
- 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,120 - Твою мать! - Что случилось?
- 00:19:07,130 --> 00:19:09,060 Уж лучше так, чем нападать на нас.
- 00:19:09,090 --> 00:19:12,530 В истории про путешествия во времени просто невозможно накосячить сильнее.
- 00:19:12,730 --> 00:19:14,990 Считаю, что это одно из твоих приключений.
- 00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:16,200 - Да ладно тебе! - Никакой халявы.
- 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,510 Блин, я хотел сгонять в Мир Сисек.
- 00:19:18,540 --> 00:19:20,540 Уже не сгоняем, потому что ты обосрался.
- 00:19:20,540 --> 00:19:21,850 Теперь обтекай.
- 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,030 Саммер, хочешь сгонять в Мир Сисек?
- 00:19:24,090 --> 00:19:25,340 Не сегодня.
- 00:19:26,630 --> 00:19:27,670 Отстой.
- 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,990 Эй, милая, смотри.
- 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,220 Джерри, я беспокоилась за тебя.
- 00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:35,290 Эй, да я просто тут убивал змей, как и все остальные,
- 00:19:35,290 --> 00:19:37,640 а заодно повесил гирлянду.
- 00:19:37,670 --> 00:19:41,230 Ты был там всё это время? Я кричала о помощи, а ты оставался на крыше?
- 00:19:41,230 --> 00:19:43,560 Я не слышал тебя из-за своих криков.
- 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:44,630 Мы уже говорили об этом.
- 00:19:44,630 --> 00:19:46,700 Ну, я рада, что ты цел.
- 00:19:46,970 --> 00:19:49,570 Прикинь! Конечно я цел.
- 00:19:49,570 --> 00:19:51,040 Кстати, козёл,
- 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,240 я справился без тебя!
- 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,510 О боже мой, как больно!
- 00:19:57,060 --> 00:19:57,780 Что это было?
- 00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,500 Я вылечил твою ногу на 50%.
- 00:19:59,650 --> 00:20:01,440 А дальше ты сам, крепыш.
- 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:04,230 Вот это другое дело. Уважуха, братуха.
- 00:20:04,580 --> 00:20:06,650 Боже, какое же твой отец чмо. Ладно, Морти.
- 00:20:06,650 --> 00:20:08,550 Давай отведаем гоголь-моголь.
- 00:20:08,580 --> 00:20:09,720 Погнали.
- 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,260 Не так быстро, ребята.
- 00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:12,990 Да, вы, кажется, кое-что забыли.
- 00:20:12,990 --> 00:20:15,100 С Рождеством, пидормоты. За работу.
- 00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:16,580 Боже, обязательно так язвить?
- 00:20:16,610 --> 00:20:18,160 - Это лишнее. - Что за фигня?
- 00:20:18,190 --> 00:20:19,000 Лажа полная.
- 00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,000 Да, всегда классно, пока не припрягут, да, говномоголь?
- 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,400 Да, удачно вам пошить змеиные костюмы,
- 00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:25,270 - мрази ползучие. - Да, так их, Морти.
- 00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:27,140 Блин, не обязательно же вести себя по-ублюдски?
- 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,370 То же касается и ребят перед нами, но они вели себя именно так!
- 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,940 С Рождеством, говно!
- 00:20:30,940 --> 00:20:33,880 Вот вам призрак Рождества грядущего, сучары.
- 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,670 - Такие злые. - Очень злые.
- 00:21:07,890 --> 00:21:09,780 Блин, я просто хочу открыть подарки.
- 00:21:09,780 --> 00:21:12,050 Я жду, когда ты закончишь эти костюмы.
- 00:21:12,050 --> 00:21:13,680 Я почти закончил. А знаешь, что?
- 00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:15,590 Так сойдёт! Всё!
- 00:21:15,590 --> 00:21:16,550 Ладно. Погнали.
- 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:20,320 Вот мы приземлились. Пойдём.
- 00:21:20,330 --> 00:21:22,440 Даже не верится, что мы почти закончили, Рик.
- 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:24,520 Я прям чувствую вкус гоголь-моголя.
- 00:21:24,890 --> 00:21:25,800 Знаешь, что?
- 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,800 Мне кажется, что мы что-то забыли.
- 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,700 Ах да, спасибо, что напомнил.
- 00:21:29,940 --> 00:21:31,940 Морти, в следующий раз сиди в машине.
- 00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:03,294 Morty, be sure to pee before we go.
- 00:00:03,420 --> 00:00:04,754 This adventure is gonna be a long haul,
- 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:06,464 and I don't feel like emptying the jug.
- 00:00:06,590 --> 00:00:08,841 Jerry, will you please just let me automate this fucking task?
- 00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:10,384 I didn't ask for anyone's help.
- 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,011 You two are welcome to leave.
- 00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:13,429 Mom told me she wanted me to stay here
- 00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:15,056 to make sure you didn't die.
- 00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:17,225 Well, you tell your mother that I'm gonna be fine.
- 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,060 Don't train your child to lie, Jerry,
- 00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,853 even though, you know, 'tis the season.
- 00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:22,063 Then I'll tell her.
- 00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:23,856 Whoa!
- 00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,566 I told you, no more rays.
- 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:27,151 What ray did you zap me with?
- 00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:30,196 I made your atomic matrix slightly lighter than air,
- 00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:32,406 and now your shoes are heavier than air,
- 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,116 which makes you neutrally buoyant,
- 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:37,036 which I find personally more impressive conceptually
- 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,955 than walking on water, but what do I know?
- 00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:41,165 I wasn't born into the god business.
- 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:42,458 I fucking earned it.
- 00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,835 Whoa! [ Laughs ]
- 00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:47,088 Just to be clear, this doesn't mean you helped me.
- 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,422 It wears off in 10 hours,
- 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,424 and the next hit will cost you 30 bucks.
- 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,135 Like I'll even be using it in 10 hours.
- 00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:55,096 [ Whispers ] Siri, set a 9-hour and 50-minute timer.
- 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,639 SIRI: <i>Playing The Beatles.</i>
- 00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,058 -I need to pee. -Nope.
- 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:00,518 Here, I've got a centipede you can swallow
- 00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:01,686 that makes you not have to go.
- 00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:03,354 I ain't swallowing no centipede.
- 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,314 What, you think the centipede wants to eat your pee?
- 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,149 You're not the victim in this transaction.
- 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,985 -[ Thump ] -Uh-oh, flat tire.
- 00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:10,987 How the hell do you get a flat tire in space, Rick?
- 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:13,322 Obviously from a sharp thing in space, Morty.
- 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:14,574 It's just crazy how much it feels
- 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,117 like getting a regular flat.
- 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:18,035 Oh, no, no, that's just my custom-programmed,
- 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:21,289 fully immersive flat-tire indication experience.
- 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,999 I can turn it off. I thought it was cooler
- 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:25,293 than the celebrity voice package, but here.
- 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:28,796 CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: <i>Flat tire --</i> <i>you should be...walkin'.</i>
- 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,172 -Oof. -Yeah.
- 00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:31,591 MORTY: Can I come out with you, Rick?
- 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:32,633 RICK: No, I've seen this movie.
- 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,385 Two guys leave th[burps]e ship.
- 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:35,761 One guy goes spinning away.
- 00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:37,430 You're staying in here where it's safe.
- 00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:39,515 [ Gasps ]
- 00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:40,725 [ Pants ]
- 00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:43,686 -Morty, goddamn it. -Come on.
- 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,354 I n-- I never get to be out here.
- 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,148 Ugh, you young people think space is like
- 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,608 "Saturday Night Live."
- 00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:51,152 You see it every day, so you dream of being in it,
- 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,446 but it dreams of removing all the air from your body
- 00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:55,156 and making you float around it for eternity
- 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,824 as a flash-mummified corpse,
- 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,994 which is also what space wants, so get back in the car.
- 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,954 I'm not in danger. There's nothing out here.
- 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,581 Literally everything is out here,
- 00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:06,000 and unlike everywhere else, I'm too busy to help you.
- 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,294 Right, because you're always so helpful.
- 00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:10,004 Ah!
- 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,841 -God damn it. -What is that?
- 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,843 Obviously, it's a space snake.
- 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,386 T-There's snakes in space?
- 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,680 There's literally everything in space, Morty!
- 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,807 Now get the fuck back in the car.
- 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,935 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:02:53,799 --> 00:02:55,758 MORTY: I'm dying, Rick.
- 00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,968 [ Groans ] I can see the black mountain.
- 00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:00,221 People who are really dying don't keep bring it up.
- 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:01,764 -Is that true? -I don't know.
- 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:03,974 I'm just usually around people that die faster.
- 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,268 -[ Groans ] -All right. All right.
- 00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,770 J-Just let me analyze the snake's planet,
- 00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:09,438 so I can whip up an antivenom.
- 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,357 Computer, you might want to put a rush on this.
- 00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:13,943 Morty's starting to look like a '90s Japanese ghost.
- 00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,778 COMPUTER: <i>Cutting corners.</i>
- 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,280 Oof, oh, my God, these snakes are a mess.
- 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:20,908 19 billion snakes divided into 10,000 nations
- 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,160 all on the brink of global war over...
- 00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:25,079 [Laughs] race.
- 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,205 How funny is that?
- 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,165 Imagine being a racist snake.
- 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,458 "Hey, other snake, I hate you
- 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,794 because you're the wrong color, snake."
- 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,130 Oh, my God. You're not laughing?
- 00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,715 Oh, you're dying.
- 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,134 It's a miracle they were able to fling one this far out
- 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,969 before they slithered into extinction.
- 00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:42,638 Oh, oh, God, I killed their --
- 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,640 What's his name, their Buzz Aspirin?
- 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,058 It's actually Buzz Advil, Morty,
- 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:47,435 and, uh, this is totally different.
- 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,769 It's a female snake.
- 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,312 There's an extra layer of heartbreak.
- 00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:52,148 Wait. Wait. Morty, Morty, you hear that?
- 00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:53,649 -Listen. -[ Rhythmic hissing ]
- 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,401 Snake jazz.
- 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,737 Ha. Idiots. Let's get moving.
- 00:03:57,863 --> 00:03:59,071 We've got a long way to go,
- 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,239 and I'm not sharing that centipede.
- 00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:01,949 Rick, wait. Go back.
- 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,410 I-I can't be the reason why 19 billion snakes lost all hope.
- 00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:05,661 That's right, Morty.
- 00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,329 Only 19 billion snakes can do that.
- 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,582 That species was never getting beyond this stage.
- 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,751 To paraphrase the great Jeff Foxworthy,
- 00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:14,044 if you bite your first contact on its ankle,
- 00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:16,714 you might be a type-zero-civilization-neck."
- 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,176 What up, homeys?
- 00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,178 Shooting hoops, I see.
- 00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:23,637 Hey, who's interested in a friendly bet
- 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,514 that this white guy can jump.
- 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,808 Hey, leave the racial stuff off the court, okay?
- 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,852 Oh, I thought that kind of talk was part of street ball.
- 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:32,646 Well, now it's part of everything else, so chill.
- 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,023 We -- We got off on the wrong foot.
- 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:36,066 My name is Jerry Smith. I live in the suburbs.
- 00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,027 I'm only here because I have a certain power
- 00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,112 I wanted to kind of celebrate before it goes away.
- 00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,697 Yo, we got a Nazi up here.
- 00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:44,074 Hey, I think there's a misunderstanding.
- 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:45,826 Here, just -- just watch.
- 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,036 Huh?
- 00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,204 Help! Help!
- 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,164 I-I need that shoe!
- 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:53,667 No, no, don't touch that shoe or that money.
- 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,836 Let them be a powerful but confusing monument
- 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,296 to our neighborhood's integrity.
- 00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:00,591 Oh, boy, what an adventure, huh?
- 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,551 Hey, Morty, listen. I can tell you're pretty upset
- 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,011 about the whole snake encounter thing,
- 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,304 so I'll tell you what.
- 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,514 I'm just gonna go ahead and avoid you
- 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,515 for the rest of the day.
- 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,933 [ Cans clatter ]
- 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,269 Play snake jazz.
- 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:14,772 [ Rhythmic hissing ]
- 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:20,778 ♪♪
- 00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:26,742 ♪♪
- 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,160 MORTY: I-Is this one friendly?
- 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:29,662 It's a snake.
- 00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,413 You ever -- You ever see this one look up at the sky
- 00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:33,707 like it's dreaming of something more?
- 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,961 No, but, uh, all those ones marked with red sticker, yeah.
- 00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,921 Any snake over 50 bucks yearns for the beyond.
- 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,422 I-I-I've seen them do it.
- 00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:44,051 [ Hissing ]
- 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,887 Ow! Damn it, Slippy, come on.
- 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,889 Ow! Just please.
- 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,141 [ Crying ] I'm sorry.
- 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:55,062 MAN ON TV: <i>Everyone has</i> <i>a plumbus in their home.</i>
- 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,815 <i>First, they take the dinglepop.</i>
- 00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:04,446 Ow! Fucking monster.
- 00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:11,453 [ Radar beeping ]
- 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:12,955 [ Hissing ]
- 00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,298 [ Hissing ]
- 00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:24,842 [ Hissing ]
- 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,427 [ Hissing ]
- 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:27,970 [ Camera shutters clicking ]
- 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,476 [ Hissing ]
- 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,192 [ Monitors beeping ]
- 00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,448 [ Hissing ]
- 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:52,286 [ Hissing ]
- 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,476 [ Hissing ]
- 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,270 [ Hisses ]
- 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:27,196 [ <i>Hissing</i> ]
- 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,065 Downbeat.
- 00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,483 How do you win this fucking game?
- 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,110 We-We've never gotten that far.
- 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,320 Guys, did I not tell you to keep your eye on Jerry?
- 00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:09,863 -We did. -Then where is he?
- 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,156 Maybe he's having an affair.
- 00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:14,284 [ Laughter ]
- 00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,120 But for real, has anyone seen him?
- 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,705 Grandpa, did you trap him in a painting again?
- 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:18,789 I didn't do shit.
- 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,582 Well, y-y-you made him floaty.
- 00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,459 -Asshole. -Made him floaty?
- 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:25,379 I saved his life by making his body slightly lighter than air,
- 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,006 and it expires in a couple of hours.
- 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,383 Expires, like he'll fall out of the sky?
- 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,051 He won't by in the sky, Beth,
- 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:34,888 unless it's possible for Jerry to fuck up wearing shoes.
- 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,724 -Oh, crap, he's gonna die. -What were you thinking?
- 00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:40,853 [ Shivering ]
- 00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:45,315 [ Cellphone vibrating ]
- 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:46,650 Hey, babe.
- 00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,652 Jerry, are you in the air?
- 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:50,279 Rick told me he made you floaty.
- 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,197 Made me floaty? Pfft.
- 00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:54,658 Got to love Rick's world view.
- 00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,577 Yes, I had Rick make me floaty
- 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:57,911 so I could put up some lights.
- 00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,455 Now, I'm at the light store.
- 00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,123 -[ <i>Squawking</i> ] <i>-Get away!</i>
- 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:04,793 Sorry, this lady at the store is trying to peck me.
- 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,795 JERRY: <i>Yes, you can help me</i> <i>find lights</i>
- 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,297 after I'm off the phone.
- 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,382 We're in Rick's ship. How about we just pick you up?
- 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:11,842 -JERRY: <i>You're with Rick?</i> -Well, why wouldn't I --
- 00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,469 Jerry, I paused Beth with a device
- 00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:15,929 Christopher Walken gave me after a record session.
- 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,347 Real talk, buddy, where you at?
- 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,016 -Go to hell, Rick. -RICK: <i>Come on, Jerry.</i>
- 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,726 <i>I can recognize</i> <i>the sound of a seagull.</i>
- 00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:23,020 Can you recognize the sound of a man's pants
- 00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,772 filling up with rain?
- 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,857 I hope to one day.
- 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,567 <i>Jerry,</i> <i>I'll tell you what.</i>
- 00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,652 <i>Because it's Christmas,</i> <i>I'm gonna do you a favor.</i>
- 00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,696 I won't let you die, and I won't tell Beth
- 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,198 that you almost killed yourself.
- 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,784 -Sounds like a win-win to me. -RICK: <i>Come again?</i>
- 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,286 If I survive, it'll be without you,
- 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,413 and if I die, it'll be on your ass.
- 00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,540 Merry Christmas, bitch.
- 00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:47,669 I am the Jesus Christ of Christmas!
- 00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:59,890 [ Screaming ]
- 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,101 -[ Cellphone vibrates ] -...I be with him?
- 00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:04,269 We both care.
- 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,105 -Whoa. Jerry. -JERRY: <i>Yes, honey?</i>
- 00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:07,815 Let us just come get you.
- 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,441 JERRY: <i>Beth, I am so touched</i>
- 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,527 that you care for me this much, but I'm fine,
- 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,320 and I just want to put up these Christmas lights,
- 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,114 and [Distorted] I will eat your world.
- 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,574 BETH: <i>Honey,</i> <i>my dad can hear you.</i>
- 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:18,784 [ Normal voice ] Got to go.
- 00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,202 [ Distorted ] See you soon.
- 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,787 BETH: <i>Okay.</i>
- 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,790 [ Screams ]
- 00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:26,458 Well, it sounds like he's fine.
- 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,169 Yeah, I'm almost kind of rooting for him this time.
- 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:34,341 [ <i>Rock music plays</i> ]
- 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,218 [ All gasp ]
- 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,220 One Diet Sprite Remix, please,
- 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,806 and, uh, is anyone here an Uber driver?
- 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,391 You can't bring that boulder in here.
- 00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:44,101 -What? -I said no boulders.
- 00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:45,853 -This ain't the lake, buddy. -Drop the rock.
- 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,105 Well, it's kind of a -- a service boulder.
- 00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:49,523 Yeah, I float without it.
- 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,692 Big man holding a big rock,
- 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:52,985 think you can take me down?
- 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:55,195 No, obviously not. You're huge.
- 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:56,488 -Then put it down. -Put the boulder down!
- 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,115 If I put it down, I'm going to float.
- 00:10:58,241 --> 00:10:59,700 -Drop it! -Put it down!
- 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,535 And frankly, your bar has a lot of ceiling fans.
- 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,578 Drop the rock.
- 00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,329 -Put it down. -Okay, okay, okay.
- 00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:05,789 Hey, whoa, what the fuck?!
- 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:07,124 -Stop doing that. -I told you this would happen.
- 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,792 Well, stop floating.
- 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,085 -Who said you could float here? -I can't control it.
- 00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,754 [ Indistinct shouting ]
- 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:16,383 Aaaaaaaaaah!
- 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,468 And take your girlfriend with you.
- 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,345 [ Grunts ]
- 00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:23,557 [ Snake jazz playing ]
- 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,517 Summer, how supes shook am I
- 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,311 about your playlisting fleekness tonight?
- 00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:29,062 You love it? It's snake jazz.
- 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,023 My little brother got bit by a snake in outer space
- 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:32,399 and killed it with a hubcap,
- 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,775 and my grandpa had to scan its planet's culture
- 00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,611 for an antivenom, and they found this.
- 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,070 It's my jam.
- 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,199 Seriously, my new thing now is snake jazz.
- 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,950 Can you alter the course of a species' evolution
- 00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,327 like that without repercussions?
- 00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:44,870 Gee, I don't know, Nancy.
- 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:47,080 Can you alter the course of being a giant fucking nerd?
- 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,957 Sorry.
- 00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,459 Also, later, we need to discuss your clothing and your weight.
- 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:51,543 That's fair.
- 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,754 [ Moans ]
- 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,005 What the hell?
- 00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,340 [ Robotically ] Target acquired.
- 00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:57,966 [ Gunshot ]
- 00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:01,053 [ Gun clicks ]
- 00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:03,889 [ Gunshot ]
- 00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,390 Snakes! Get back in the car!
- 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,226 Morty, enough with the -- Snakes!
- 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,061 [ Robotically ] Target acquired.
- 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,399 Aliens, I am a robot sent back in time by the Snake Resistance
- 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,235 to protect you from Serpacorp.
- 00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:18,779 My appearance is designed to be familiar and to put you at ease.
- 00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:22,407 The ape child must be eliminated to protect our timeline.
- 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:23,742 Morty, what the hell did you do?
- 00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,452 I was just trying to do the right thing.
- 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,079 I took a living snake --
- 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,539 [ Groans ]
- 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,041 Get behind me. I will protect --
- 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,293 Aaah!
- 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:38,465 ♪♪
- 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,217 Why -- Why are they attacking us?
- 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,760 I-I-I helped them.
- 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,262 You gave them proof that there was something bigger
- 00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,347 and scarier to unite against, you little idiot.
- 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,848 They would have gone back into the Dark Ages
- 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,141 for a couple of generations,
- 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,768 but instead, they dedicated themselves
- 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,311 into making universe-destroying,
- 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,772 un-thought-out technology like time travel
- 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,275 all so they could try to kill a little shit sack on Earth
- 00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:57,776 who couldn't let a dead snake be dead
- 00:12:57,902 --> 00:13:00,153 even after it bit his ankle.
- 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,489 Next time, stay in the fucking car.
- 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:08,036 NARRATOR: 17 billion snake lives ended on June 21, 2026.
- 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:12,332 The survivors lived only to face a new nightmare,
- 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:16,378 the war between snake and machine.
- 00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:19,089 In the end, snake overcame machine
- 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,258 because of what we couldn't predict --
- 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:26,513 that an alien, a child from a distant star, would save us.
- 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,363 W-Where are we going? W-What are we doing here, Rick?
- 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:44,573 RICK: We got to get the heart of Snake Net.
- 00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,783 Now, shut up, and stay close.
- 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,618 [ Robotically ] Resistance is mouselike.
- 00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:50,954 Whoa, hey, look. That one's actually really cool.
- 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:51,997 Come here, little guy.
- 00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:53,832 Ah, you little son of a bitch.
- 00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:56,126 Come on, Morty.
- 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,296 [ Robotically ] Your brood must be exterminated.
- 00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:02,049 You will not kill her or her brood.
- 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,718 -Must kill brood and mother. -Get behind me.
- 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,887 Your brood will seed all life on this planet.
- 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,014 -That doesn't make sense. -That didn't make sense.
- 00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,349 Hey, it's -- it's Slippy!
- 00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,267 Keep up, shit bag.
- 00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,946 [ Sighs ]
- 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:26,531 BETH: <i>Hi, you went directly</i> <i>to voicemail</i>
- 00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:27,908 <i>because your number</i> <i>is not in my phone.</i>
- 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,159 <i>Don't leave a message.</i>
- 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,702 Hi, honey.
- 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,705 Uh, look. Morty told me that you didn't think
- 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,874 I could hang lights without killing myself.
- 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:42,089 Look, I want to be a strong man for you, but the truth is --
- 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,717 The truth is, I'm coming home with the best lights ever.
- 00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:50,138 Oof.
- 00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:51,306 Whoa, feel that turbulence?
- 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,516 Nope, I'm on molly.
- 00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:54,226 [ Both laugh ]
- 00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:55,602 Give me some. Ahh.
- 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,607 SIRI: <i>10 hours has expired.</i>
- 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,777 Aaaah!
- 00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,947 I don't suppose you guys will take a bribe?
- 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:07,948 [ Hisses ]
- 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,116 Ah!
- 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,287 Anyone else want legs?
- 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,378 God damn it. Are you kidding me?
- 00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:23,213 I thought there'd be a time machine in here.
- 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,215 They're not even a quarter of the way through making it.
- 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,134 I'm gonna have to invent it for them.
- 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,552 I-I don't know snake math.
- 00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,095 Ugh, I didn't want to have to do this.
- 00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,139 Fuck. All right.
- 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,890 W-What's going on? What are you doing?
- 00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:37,018 I'm reminding myself to commit even more to your fuck-up.
- 00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:38,270 Hey, assholes.
- 00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,646 Fuck you. Takes one to know one.
- 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,106 What the heck?
- 00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,358 -Hey, man, you -- you okay? -You know what? Fuck you.
- 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,944 -What? Screw you. -Here.
- 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,237 Come on. Was it really that hard?
- 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,156 What do you think? Come on, Morty.
- 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,158 Man, I-I-I wonder why I had a black eye.
- 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,368 Morty, shut the fuck up and put these on.
- 00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:59,416 [ Mid-tempo funk music plays ]
- 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,504 Okay, so w-what are we doing?
- 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:05,839 That book has everything they need
- 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,424 to create snake time travel,
- 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:10,385 a-and they're getting it in 1985, snake time.
- 00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,762 Now, they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us,
- 00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,264 and they're gonna be even stupider with it.
- 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:15,765 Huh, a-and then what?
- 00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,476 We're removing ourselves from this sloppy,
- 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,394 fucked-up story and letting snake time travel
- 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,021 eat its own tail.
- 00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,819 [ Hissing ]
- 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,321 [ All hissing ]
- 00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,852 [ Hissing ]
- 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,634 Just have to keep my grip.
- 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,011 Jerry Smith, I am here to save you.
- 00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,222 What? I already told Rick I don't want help.
- 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,848 I do not know Rick.
- 00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:41,226 I was sent by a society of human-snake hybrids...
- 00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:43,311 -Classic Rick. -...from an alternate version --
- 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,316 I did it! We're landing!
- 00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:49,651 I knew I could do it.
- 00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:51,444 [ Laughs hysterically ]
- 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,913 Jesus Christ, Rick, it's pandemonium out there!
- 00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:04,040 T-This is worse than when we left.
- 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:05,750 Rick, look, Summer!
- 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:12,549 Nobody chokes me without consent.
- 00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:14,342 Y-You just made things worse, Rick.
- 00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:15,635 Trust me, Morty.
- 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,262 We helped them press on the gas pedal.
- 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,514 We just got to wait for them to blow by a cop.
- 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,685 [ Telephone rings ]
- 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,478 Shleemypants here, what's up?
- 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,523 Snakes? Time travel? They did what?
- 00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:31,776 How the fuck did -- Okay, okay, I'm on it.
- 00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:35,113 We got a 10-51 on a goddamn snake planet.
- 00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,282 Don't look at me. I'm afraid of snakes.
- 00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:39,075 "I'm afraid of snakes," bullshit.
- 00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:40,910 You afraid of work. That's what you afraid of.
- 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,287 All right. All right.
- 00:18:42,413 --> 00:18:43,997 [ Sighs ] Let's go take care of this.
- 00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:49,169 [ Hisses ]
- 00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:50,629 Oh, look at you.
- 00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,172 You a smart snake, huh?
- 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:53,965 You using tools now, huh?
- 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,300 Those tools are gonna turn into you
- 00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:57,010 manipulating the fabric of shit.
- 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,053 Get over here, motherfucker.
- 00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,137 What the fuck you think you doing?
- 00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:02,724 -Don't fuck with time. -You don't fuck with time.
- 00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,851 [ Snakes hissing ]
- 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,354 -Holy shit. -What happened?
- 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,064 Look, this is better than them attacking us.
- 00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:10,607 Also, that's about as much curvature
- 00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:12,651 as you're gonna get from a time-travel story.
- 00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,986 You know what? This one counts as one of your adventures.
- 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,404 -Hey, come on. -No freebies.
- 00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,406 Aw, man, I-I wanted to go to Boob World.
- 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,492 Well, now, we can't because you fucked up.
- 00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,369 Got to learn a lesson.
- 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,995 You want to go to Boob World, Summer?
- 00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:25,372 Eh, not today.
- 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:29,125 [ Sighs ] This sucks.
- 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:31,169 [ Panting ] Hey, honey, check it out.
- 00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:33,296 Jerry, I was worried about you.
- 00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:35,590 Oh, just killing some snakes up here like everyone else,
- 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,467 I guess, and finishing the Christmas lights.
- 00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:39,010 Wait, the whole time?
- 00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,304 I was screaming for help, and you stayed on the roof?
- 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,515 I couldn't hear you over my own screaming.
- 00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:44,683 We've talked about this.
- 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:47,018 Well, I'm just glad you're safe.
- 00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:49,521 Well, duh, of course, I'm safe.
- 00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:50,939 Hey, guess what, asshole.
- 00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:52,190 I did it without you.
- 00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:53,692 Whoa! Ah!
- 00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:56,611 Oh, God, it hurts.
- 00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:57,779 What was that?
- 00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,406 I healed your leg 50%.
- 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,574 The rest is on you, big man.
- 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,536 That's what I'm talking about. Respect, my brother.
- 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,705 Geez, your dad sucks. All right, Morty.
- 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,623 Let's go enjoy a little bit of eggnog, huh?
- 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:09,749 All right.
- 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,334 Not so fast, boys.
- 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,044 Yeah, I think you might be forgetting something.
- 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:15,046 Merry Christmas, fuck nuts. Get to work.
- 00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,548 Geez, I don't see why you have to be smug about it.
- 00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:17,966 -A bunch of bullshit. -That's not necessary.
- 00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:19,467 This fucking sucks.
- 00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:21,052 Yeah, it's fun until it's you, huh, shit nog?
- 00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,388 Yeah, have fun sewing those snake costumes together,
- 00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:25,265 -you little tramp. -You tell them, Morty.
- 00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,142 Geez, you guys don't have to be dicks about it, all right?
- 00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:29,394 Yeah, neither did the guys before us, but you know what?
- 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,146 They were. Merry Christmas, you shit bags.
- 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,857 Yeah, ghost of Christmas future, bitches, you fucking idiots.
- 00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:36,526 -So mean. -Those guys are mean.
- 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:39,654 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,934 Man, I just want to open my Christmas presents.
- 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:12,228 Well, I'm waiting on you to finish those snake costumes.
- 00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,105 I'm almost done. You know what?
- 00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:15,565 T-They're good enough. I'm done.
- 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:17,275 All right. Let's go.
- 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,528 All right. We're landing. Come on.
- 00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:22,655 Man, I can't believe we're almost done, Rick.
- 00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,449 I can practically taste the eggnog.
- 00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:25,950 Hey, you know what?
- 00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:27,952 I -- I feel like we're forgetting something.
- 00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:29,913 Oh, yeah, uh, thanks for reminding me.
- 00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:31,915 Morty, next time, stay in the car.
- 00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:33,458 [ Camera shutter clicks ]