Продолжить с 00:00?
Серия закончилась
Загон и порядок: Место прикступления
После того, как Морти приставал к нему, чтобы получить дракона, Рик неохотно заключает сделку с волшебником, который заключает договор души между Морти и драконом Бальтрамоном. Морти пытается поиграть с Бальтрамоном, но очевидно, что Бальтрамон не любит Морти. Возмущённый тем, что Бальтрамон повредил пол своим огненным храпом, Рик собирается изгнать дракона, но в конечном итоге они оба понимают, что у них много общего и непреднамеренно душевная связь. Затем прибывает Волшебник, обвиняя Бальтрамона в том, что он «дракон-шлюха», и забирает его для казни. Рик помогает Морти спасти Бальтрамона, поскольку душевная связь означает, что если Бальтрамон умрёт, то и он тоже. С помощью других «драконов-шлюх» Рик и Морти убивают Волшебника, освободив всех драконов от порабощения и разорвав душевные связи. Теперь, испытывая дискомфорт из-за того, насколько сексуальны драконы и цепкость Бальтрамона, Рик и Морти расстаются с драконом. Между тем, Джерри встречает говорящего кота в своей спальне, но Рик настаивает, что он не имеет к этому никакого отношения. Кот убеждает Джерри отвезти его во Флориду, чтобы развлечься на пляжной вечеринке, но кот предаёт Джерри, обвиняя его в испражнении на пляже. Позже кот начинает надоедать всем на вечеринке, в результате чего их обоих выбрасывают. Рик и Джерри сканируют мозг кота, чтобы понять, почему он может говорить, и приходят в ужас от увиденного. Они прогоняют кота, и Рик стирает память Джерри об инциденте. В сцене после титров говорящий кот пересекается с Бальтрамоном и спрашивает его, может ли он доставить его во Флориду.
- 00:00:04,660 --> 00:00:06,040 Рик, получилось! Мы-мы справились!
- 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,660 Запрыгивай, Морти! Быстрее!
- 00:00:07,660 --> 00:00:08,790 - Чачи! - Нахер Чачи, Морти.
- 00:00:08,790 --> 00:00:11,120 - Ты принес? - Он помог мне сбежать из тюрьмы.
- 00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:13,850 Ты принёс Ультра Куб?
- 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,040 Блин... сиреневый?
- 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,700 - Т-ты и говорил про сиреневый! - Я про свой говорил.
- 00:00:17,730 --> 00:00:19,190 Не знал, что они все такие.
- 00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:22,900 - И теперь мы знаем... благодаря Чичи. - Чачи.
- 00:00:24,660 --> 00:00:26,870 Ну... так... к-к-когда... я его получу?
- 00:00:26,870 --> 00:00:27,700 Что? Объятие?
- 00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:29,950 Для начала найдем планету садовых шлангов.
- 00:00:29,950 --> 00:00:30,830 - Дракона. - Дракона?
- 00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:33,530 Ты попросил меня прогулять школу, чтобы помочь тебе в войне роботов.
- 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,830 Я отказался. Ты сказал, от этого зависят миллионы жизней.
- 00:00:35,830 --> 00:00:37,790 Я согласился взамен на дракона.
- 00:00:37,790 --> 00:00:40,660 Ты сказал "ладно". Где мой дракон?
- 00:00:40,660 --> 00:00:42,400 Знаешь, кто тащится с драконов, Морти?
- 00:00:42,430 --> 00:00:44,230 Задроты, которые отрицают своё Христианство.
- 00:00:44,250 --> 00:00:46,350 - Где мой дракон? - Попроси у меня турбо-кроссы.
- 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,270 Попроси когти Росомахи, да хоть турбо-шлем ебучий попроси.
- 00:00:49,510 --> 00:00:51,870 Только турбо-кроссы натянуть не забудь, а то тебе голову оторвёт.
- 00:00:51,870 --> 00:00:54,040 Хочу дракона! Хочу дракона!
- 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,460 Хочу дракона!
- 00:00:57,250 --> 00:00:58,140 О черт.
- 00:00:58,570 --> 00:00:59,270 Твою мать.
- 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,660 Пап, ты в порядке?
- 00:01:04,660 --> 00:01:06,420 Твой корабль упал на Мальте.
- 00:01:06,660 --> 00:01:09,310 - Уф. Всё норм. - Ох, слава богу!
- 00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:14,620 - Пап, ты что, пообещал Морти дракона? - Бляяя
- 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:49,500 - Ай! - Твоя кровь здесь. И здесь.
- 00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:50,580 Моей кровяки вам не видать.
- 00:01:50,580 --> 00:01:54,250 Властью данной мне договором между Царствами Драконов и Людей...
- 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,260 - Божечки, это моя первая гей-свадьба. - Саммер!
- 00:01:56,280 --> 00:02:00,580 ...я связываю души Благородного Змея и Наездника.
- 00:02:00,580 --> 00:02:03,710 Вот ваша книга с Драконьими заклинаниями и лором.
- 00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:06,370 Там всё, что вам понадобится. Наслаждайтесь Драконом!
- 00:02:06,370 --> 00:02:08,230 Итак, Дракон, вот какие у нас здесь порядки.
- 00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:14,000 Меня зовут Бальтромон. Сокрушитель небес. Истребитель гор.
- 00:02:14,030 --> 00:02:16,740 Правило первое: теперь ты Выгребатель собственного говна.
- 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:19,540 Или ты исчезнешь прямо как футболки, которые светятся в темноте.
- 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,660 Больше никаких правил нет, на этом всё.
- 00:02:22,540 --> 00:02:24,790 Я так понимаю, тебя на этой фотке лучше не отмечать.
- 00:02:25,190 --> 00:02:26,660 Ладно, наживка сработала.
- 00:02:26,660 --> 00:02:27,910 Что за говорящий кот?
- 00:02:27,910 --> 00:02:29,660 Это дракон, дубина.
- 00:02:29,660 --> 00:02:31,020 Я знаю, что это дракон.
- 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:33,810 Я говорю про говорящего кота у меня в спальне.
- 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:35,620 Джерри, зачем мне дарить Морти говорящего дракона,
- 00:02:35,620 --> 00:02:38,840 а тебе говорящего кота в один день? Это слишком похожие сюжеты.
- 00:02:38,860 --> 00:02:40,660 Если ты говоришь с кошаком, это аномальное событие,
- 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,410 типа как когда ты заплутал на Плутон
- 00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:44,660 или трахнул мою дочь.
- 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,400 Окей, окей. Можно было и не так грубо.
- 00:02:49,260 --> 00:02:49,790 Ну чо?
- 00:02:49,790 --> 00:02:51,810 Говорит, что не причастен к тебе.
- 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:54,580 - Так и есть. - Тогда почему ты разговариваешь?
- 00:02:54,610 --> 00:02:56,660 - Это имеет значение? - Как же не имеет?
- 00:02:56,660 --> 00:03:01,260 Может, мне вообще всё это мерещится? Рик сказал, это аномальное событие.
- 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,170 А без Рика ты разобраться можешь хоть в чём-то?
- 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,910 Может, стоит, наконец, перестать задаваться вопросами и начать веселиться?
- 00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:09,000 Оу.
- 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,700 Вау. Окей.
- 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,620 - Так чего ты хочешь? - Я хочу, чтобы мы двинули в аэропорт
- 00:03:14,650 --> 00:03:17,230 и улетели первым классом во Флориду.
- 00:03:17,260 --> 00:03:20,380 Ну почемуууу... бы и нет?
- 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:25,040 Воу... воу... воу...
- 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,790 Это так круууто!
- 00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:34,280 Жду твоего веления.
- 00:03:34,310 --> 00:03:36,760 Стоп, стоп, стоп. Тут нет повелителей.
- 00:03:36,870 --> 00:03:40,030 Мне нравится рассекать с тобой небеса. На равных.
- 00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:41,670 А ты чем хочешь заняться?
- 00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:44,540 Хочу залечь в своём логове и спать на сокровищах
- 00:03:44,540 --> 00:03:47,380 покуда не вымрет человеческий род.
- 00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:49,950 Так. Ты мне, я тебе.
- 00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:53,660 Покемаришь 20 минут, а потом и небеса порассекаем.
- 00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:56,620 Как пожелаешь.
- 00:03:56,620 --> 00:03:58,330 Лады, тогда увидимся.
- 00:03:58,330 --> 00:03:59,660 Это так весело!
- 00:03:59,660 --> 00:04:01,660 Ага, конечно.
- 00:04:02,650 --> 00:04:04,240 Этот сериал называется "Жопы"?
- 00:04:04,270 --> 00:04:06,840 Ага, это как сериал "Кости", только они расследуют жопы.
- 00:04:06,870 --> 00:04:08,000 В этой жопе есть зацепка.
- 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,670 - Эти двое будут мутить? - Нет, о таком мечтают только тупые фанаты.
- 00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:13,250 Не учи меня наслаждаться вещами.
- 00:04:13,330 --> 00:04:15,120 - Ступай к ней, жопа! - Её зовут Бреннер.
- 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,630 Ступай к Бреннер, жопа!
- 00:04:17,870 --> 00:04:18,910 Медовый месяц подошел к концу?
- 00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:20,080 Что ты имеешь в виду?
- 00:04:20,110 --> 00:04:21,960 Признай, Морти. Драконы - отстой.
- 00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:23,870 Это ты признай, что тебя бесит чужое счастье,
- 00:04:23,870 --> 00:04:26,190 потому что ты жалкий старый оседлый пердун!
- 00:04:26,950 --> 00:04:28,870 Как можно оседлать пердуна?
- 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:29,870 Твою мать! Смотри!
- 00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:32,400 <i>- Жопа, я люблю тебя. - И я тебя, Бреннер.</i>
- 00:04:32,430 --> 00:04:33,450 - Нет. - Чшшш!
- 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,080 На этом и заканчивается серия про дракона для Морти.
- 00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:41,260 - Так ты ему втащишь? - Во-первых, я тащер по жизни.
- 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,670 - Во-вторых, да. - Мне поставить "Жопы" на паузу?
- 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,790 Не, чет они скатились после того, как стали парой.
- 00:04:51,870 --> 00:04:52,830 Эй, еблозавр, может,
- 00:04:52,830 --> 00:04:55,550 заткнёшься на хуй уже? Ну или хоть команду "поклон" знаешь?
- 00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:57,750 А-а-а, я горю.
- 00:04:57,750 --> 00:05:00,370 Господь, я в огне!
- 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,950 Эх, как жаль что я не подготовился к этой ужасающей битве,
- 00:05:03,950 --> 00:05:06,680 ведь я не в курсе самого очевидного факта о драконах!
- 00:05:13,650 --> 00:05:17,120 Смотри. Еще изжогу подхватишь. Я напичкал этого андроида взрывчаткой.
- 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:21,530 Ой... извини. Я пропитал его дистанционно управляемым зельем прибабаха.
- 00:05:21,870 --> 00:05:25,530 Ты одолел меня. Я в твоей власти.
- 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,950 Отлично, мы с тобой на одной струне. В общем, я скажу внуку, что ты изменил ему
- 00:05:27,950 --> 00:05:31,630 и сбежал с Боингом 747, пока ты пакуешь тут свои...
- 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,870 Стой. Это... Откуда у тебя оригинальная коробка
- 00:05:33,870 --> 00:05:37,080 с соком Экто Кулер 89 года?
- 00:05:37,110 --> 00:05:40,100 Мои скоровища - это ваши сакральные мчты.
- 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,910 - Даю за неё двадцатку. - Ха-ха-ха, хорошая попытка.
- 00:05:42,940 --> 00:05:44,550 Что за хрень тут у тебя ещё завалялось?
- 00:05:44,580 --> 00:05:47,090 Джек-пот! Игрушки от Чупа-Чупс по фильму "Солдатики"!
- 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:48,670 - Не вскрывай. - Я не идиот.
- 00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:52,040 Эй, откуда у тебя альбом Фьючера на виниле?
- 00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:53,070 Присмотрись.
- 00:05:53,430 --> 00:05:56,280 - Твою мать. Он его подписал. - Ближе.
- 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,080 Он расписался молли и перкосетом?
- 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,290 Да я здесь всю ночь проторчу!
- 00:06:00,290 --> 00:06:03,800 Вулканические газы доставляют тебе удовольствие?
- 00:06:04,910 --> 00:06:06,490 Мой мозг совсем наебнётся от этого?
- 00:06:06,510 --> 00:06:07,790 - Не. - Пофиг. Погнали.
- 00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:11,960 Вот это да. Билеты тут не дешевые,
- 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,370 но я готов будь здоров.
- 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,200 Так... ам... почему ты разговариваешь?
- 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,870 Это не важно, Джерри.
- 00:06:19,870 --> 00:06:21,080 Ладно, а почему Флорида?
- 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,930 Потому что они не задают лишних вопросов.
- 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,330 Они играют в волейбол, тусят и веселятся.
- 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:26,740 Точно. Точно.
- 00:06:26,930 --> 00:06:29,520 - У тебя получится, Джерри. - Да.
- 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:32,080 У меня все получится.
- 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:36,540 Ооо да.
- 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,410 Привет, Джерри,
- 00:06:38,410 --> 00:06:40,580 залетай на мою яхту после игры. И кота не забудь!
- 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,040 Увидимся, Джайп!
- 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:43,540 Готов признать, ты был прав.
- 00:06:43,540 --> 00:06:45,420 Я должен признаться, Джерри.
- 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,080 Ещё ни разу в жизни я не чувствовал себя таким счастливым.
- 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,830 Фу! Ужас! Кто насрал в песок?
- 00:06:50,830 --> 00:06:53,080 Кто-то навалил мини-говняшку в песок,
- 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,080 немного прикопав её
- 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:57,680 прямо как мину.
- 00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,840 Зачем? Кто?
- 00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:02,130 Это он.
- 00:07:03,870 --> 00:07:04,890 Помогите!
- 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:25,080 Меня призывает Морти.
- 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,040 Ох, да. Он... и мне тоже пишет.
- 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,200 И как ты отвечаешь?
- 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:30,080 Уф. Обычно я игнорю.
- 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,370 Максимум гифку скидываю,
- 00:07:32,370 --> 00:07:35,310 которую можно интерпретировать, как хочешь.
- 00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:36,450 Гениально.
- 00:07:36,450 --> 00:07:38,080 Я призываю тебя...
- 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:41,510 Я призываю тебя, Бальтромон.
- 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,080 Какого хрена?
- 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,200 Тейлор Свифт трясёт руками?
- 00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:46,890 - Что это может значить?... - Это значит, что ты зануда.
- 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,250 Как там говорят?
- 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:08,120 "Орки работают, чтобы жить, а дварфы живут, чтобы работать".
- 00:08:08,150 --> 00:08:09,330 Ну и бред.
- 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:13,410 Если обо мне придумают поговорку, я влечу прямо в солнце нахуй.
- 00:08:16,130 --> 00:08:18,590 Ты слишком мал для дракона, Рик.
- 00:08:18,610 --> 00:08:21,080 Нуу... Я сплю на огромной куче всякого крутого говна.
- 00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:26,040 Тогда поговорок о тебе не избежать. Завистники будут охотиться на тебя,
- 00:08:26,310 --> 00:08:29,390 они либо сделают тебя рабом, либо убьют тебя.
- 00:08:29,410 --> 00:08:31,970 Вот почему нас называют вымирающим видом, братец.
- 00:08:36,910 --> 00:08:38,410 Ууу! О боже!
- 00:08:38,410 --> 00:08:39,960 Моя душа!
- 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:43,080 О да! Уууу. Я-я дракон!
- 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,000 Ааааа. Я... Моя душа сплетается.
- 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,250 Моя тоже...
- 00:08:46,250 --> 00:08:48,660 Кайф.
- 00:08:48,690 --> 00:08:50,080 Что. За пиздец?!
- 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,080 - Морти, я всё о-о-о-объясню. - Хватит!
- 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,240 - Почему вы продолжаете? - Боже! Почему вдруг стало ещё приятней?
- 00:08:55,260 --> 00:08:57,870 Надеюсь, не из-за того что вы смотрите, но лучше не уходите!
- 00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,710 Как вы нашли нас?
- 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:02,200 Следовали за запахом серы и разврата.
- 00:09:03,870 --> 00:09:05,910 О да!
- 00:09:05,910 --> 00:09:08,020 - Вот блин... Ах! - Хуй с вами!
- 00:09:08,050 --> 00:09:13,790 Можете взять этот дурацкий говноконтракт связи душ и...
- 00:09:13,790 --> 00:09:17,420 - Не подлежит возврату. - Ваш дракон сплёлся душой с моим дедом.
- 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,750 Батюшки! Мне очень жаль.
- 00:09:19,770 --> 00:09:22,390 - Это серьёзное нарушение. - Нехреновенькое!
- 00:09:22,420 --> 00:09:24,410 Я положу этому конец.
- 00:09:24,410 --> 00:09:25,770 Получай, шаболда этакая.
- 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:26,790 - Какого хуя? - На, сука.
- 00:09:26,790 --> 00:09:27,870 - Чувак, остынь. - Шмара!
- 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:28,910 - Так... этого... - Шмара рогатая!
- 00:09:28,910 --> 00:09:30,330 - Вам-вам не обязательно... - Шлюшья шлюшка!
- 00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:31,440 Позор!
- 00:09:31,470 --> 00:09:33,540 Ты, шлюха подвальная.
- 00:09:33,570 --> 00:09:35,330 Какого хуя ты будто меня сечёшь?
- 00:09:35,330 --> 00:09:38,630 Потому что твоя душа перелетена с...
- 00:09:38,820 --> 00:09:40,000 - ...этой грязной... - Ау!
- 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,250 - ...шмарой! - Ау!
- 00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:42,080 - За мной! - Ай! Ай!
- 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:43,370 Полезай в драный портал, шлюха!
- 00:09:43,370 --> 00:09:46,310 Деда, сделай что-нибудь, или я напишу в твиттер
- 00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:48,190 и тебя загнобят.
- 00:09:48,750 --> 00:09:51,840 Эй! Хрендальф Серый, будь проще, верни ребенку дракона.
- 00:09:51,870 --> 00:09:53,080 С чего бы это?
- 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:54,520 У вас нет магии!
- 00:09:54,540 --> 00:09:56,250 Знаю! У меня есть настоящая сила... наука!
- 00:09:56,250 --> 00:09:57,630 Только не здесь.
- 00:09:57,750 --> 00:10:00,870 Настоящая сила выглядит так:
- 00:10:00,870 --> 00:10:03,070 Монстр из камня.
- 00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:05,440 - Можешь жопой выкусить. - Оу, и это всё?
- 00:10:05,470 --> 00:10:08,420 Я думал каменный монстр нам сейчас лекцию по физике...
- 00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:13,110 Позвоночник, активировать морфий.
- 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,410 Кажись, мне пизда.
- 00:10:16,410 --> 00:10:18,390 Мост из молний!
- 00:10:20,830 --> 00:10:23,300 Окей, он ушел, слушай. В этих холмах, должно быть, обитает куча зверюшек.
- 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,750 Пощадишь меня, и я сделаю тебе лизунец между ног.
- 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:29,950 Агана аксака сапууулууу!
- 00:10:32,390 --> 00:10:33,390 Спасибо, Морти.
- 00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:35,710 Видимо, в мире зануд у тебя статус повыше.
- 00:10:35,710 --> 00:10:37,710 Соберись-ка нахрен, Мародёр Пещерный!
- 00:10:37,710 --> 00:10:39,140 Мы должны спасти Бальтромона.
- 00:10:39,170 --> 00:10:42,500 Морти, мораль истории: "братан дороже дракона" -
- 00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:43,420 сечёшь, о чём я?
- 00:10:43,450 --> 00:10:46,570 Ага, если он умрёт пока вы связаны, тебе тоже крышка.
- 00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:50,230 Морти, мораль истории: "братан спасёт дракона"
- 00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:54,900 Бальтромон, связав свою душу с несколькими наездниками,
- 00:10:54,930 --> 00:10:58,570 ты нарушил договор между драконами и людьми.
- 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:03,020 Драконархат приговаривает тебя к смерти через повешение.
- 00:11:03,050 --> 00:11:04,950 На счёт "три".
- 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:08,910 Раз драконархат, два драконархат,
- 00:11:08,940 --> 00:11:11,520 два с половиной – Я просто хотел, чтоб наверняка.
- 00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:12,410 Три!
- 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:15,610 Деда Рик, в чём дело?
- 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,460 О, боже. Похоже, колдун повесил Бальтромона.
- 00:11:18,490 --> 00:11:19,830 Да и хуй с ним. Может, домой?
- 00:11:19,830 --> 00:11:23,570 Не-не. На виселице дракон будет умирать где-то 78 лет.
- 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,060 Блин, как это бесит.
- 00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,710 Когда-нибудь пытались проглотить огромную таблетку
- 00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:29,030 без воды?
- 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:30,290 Типа, очень-очень большую,
- 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,040 и она – и она, короче,
- 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:35,220 застревает в горле?
- 00:11:35,540 --> 00:11:36,790 Так... так бесит. Ладно,
- 00:11:36,820 --> 00:11:39,160 Морти, давай, активируй этого голема.
- 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,160 Агана аксака сапулу!
- 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,170 Поебень тупорылая. Так.
- 00:11:56,190 --> 00:11:58,940 Кому вкачать непомерную силу?
- 00:11:58,970 --> 00:12:01,220 О, сделаешь меня сексуальной дамочкой со стрелами?
- 00:12:01,330 --> 00:12:03,330 Как скажешь. Правил нет. Мне плевать.
- 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,870 Морти, дать тебе суперсил?
- 00:12:05,870 --> 00:12:08,040 Спасибо, обойдусь, у меня есть книга.
- 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,400 Ладно. Удачи.
- 00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:10,500 Погнали.
- 00:12:13,060 --> 00:12:13,830 Боже, это как...
- 00:12:13,830 --> 00:12:15,080 Вы когда-нибудь пили слишком много апельсинового сока,
- 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,540 ну, или типа, представьте, будто яичный желток
- 00:12:16,540 --> 00:12:18,780 в горле застрял.
- 00:12:18,810 --> 00:12:20,540 Да, мы поняли. Давай быстрее.
- 00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,510 Н-надо освободить Бальтромона.
- 00:12:22,830 --> 00:12:24,870 - Упсулу... - Я разберусь.
- 00:12:28,130 --> 00:12:29,900 Морти, ну что, помогает книженция?
- 00:12:29,930 --> 00:12:31,900 Грёбаный ты долбоящер.
- 00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:36,500 А знаете что? Вы правы.
- 00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:38,620 Магия не такая уж и хрень.
- 00:12:47,250 --> 00:12:48,540 А вот и Бальтромон.
- 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,120 Зацени какая хрень, вон чё могу..
- 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,410 Да-да, можешь вообще не смотреть,
- 00:12:51,410 --> 00:12:52,330 стреляй вслепую.
- 00:12:52,330 --> 00:12:56,180 - Пусть сучья магия ведёт твою стрелу. - Саммер, ты что творишь?
- 00:12:56,370 --> 00:12:58,600 - Это не шутки! - Завали хлебало, Морти.
- 00:12:58,630 --> 00:13:01,070 Не делай вид, будто магия требует каких-то навыков и умений.
- 00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:03,300 Саммер, сделай так, будто она вылетает из жопы.
- 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:04,440 Да, точняк.
- 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,890 Ох сука, ебать меня в глаз! Господи боже!
- 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:12,770 Что за средневековый эквивалент ада здесь творится?
- 00:13:12,790 --> 00:13:13,880 Боже мой!
- 00:13:14,790 --> 00:13:16,410 Саммер, ты ебанашка!
- 00:13:16,410 --> 00:13:18,220 Сила дюжины ног!
- 00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:19,600 Ай, сука!
- 00:13:19,630 --> 00:13:22,790 Беру слова назад! В жопу эту магию!
- 00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:28,830 Шмарокрад!
- 00:13:28,830 --> 00:13:30,620 Ты шмарокрад!
- 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,730 Весёлое судно, весёлые люди.
- 00:13:35,730 --> 00:13:38,800 Здорово, что никто не спрашивает, почему я говорю.
- 00:13:39,190 --> 00:13:42,810 Я говорящий кот, но никому до этого нет дела.
- 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:46,380 Как здорово поболтать с тобой. Просто так.
- 00:13:48,390 --> 00:13:49,390 Хахаха ну ты жжёшь,
- 00:13:49,390 --> 00:13:51,730 а знаешь, что такое горгулья с арахисовым маслом?
- 00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:52,600 Не, а чо эт?
- 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,350 Чувак, это когда берёшь тёлку,
- 00:13:54,350 --> 00:13:57,000 - ставишь её ноги на собор... - Простите, что вмешиваюсь.
- 00:13:57,030 --> 00:13:59,680 Хотелось узнать, это настоящие сексуальные позиции?
- 00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:00,850 Если да,
- 00:14:00,850 --> 00:14:03,480 то они вообще удовлетворяют мужчину?
- 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,390 А если вы просто выдумываете,
- 00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:09,160 то почему бы не придумать что-нибудь... смешнее?
- 00:14:09,780 --> 00:14:12,080 Я задаю слишком много вопросов?
- 00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:14,140 Как иронично.
- 00:14:14,140 --> 00:14:15,770 Вали из Флориды, запаренный кот.
- 00:14:15,770 --> 00:14:18,290 На север хреначь, в Джордию, и там кому-нибудь мозги парь.
- 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,760 Драный кот! Драный кот!
- 00:14:29,350 --> 00:14:31,350 Есть деньги на такси?
- 00:14:31,350 --> 00:14:34,290 Зачем эти вопросы? Просто веселись!
- 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:35,480 Поделом мне.
- 00:14:35,810 --> 00:14:38,560 Внимание, жители Дрэйгона,
- 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,180 шлюший дракон сбежал.
- 00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:44,840 Тот, кто его укрывает, тоже считается шлюхой.
- 00:14:44,870 --> 00:14:46,180 - Такие вот дела. - Ай, мой глаз.
- 00:14:46,180 --> 00:14:49,180 Мне больно от того, что ты испытываешь мою боль.
- 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:50,350 А давай ты отсосёшь свой хрен,
- 00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:52,400 который каким-то образом и мой хрен тоже?
- 00:14:52,430 --> 00:14:55,880 Почему влюблённых изменщиков никогда не ждёт счастливый конец?
- 00:14:55,910 --> 00:14:58,190 М-может, я смогу найти портальное заклинание колдуна
- 00:14:58,190 --> 00:14:59,190 и отправить нас домой?
- 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:01,110 Может, найдёшь заклинание, которое разорвёт мою связь
- 00:15:01,140 --> 00:15:02,350 с этим ебучим драконом?
- 00:15:02,350 --> 00:15:04,270 Таких заклинаний нет.
- 00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:06,870 Только колдун может разорвать связь между душами.
- 00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:07,690 Кто вы, блядь, такие?
- 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:09,640 Кто мы? Кто вы, блядь, такие, сучара!
- 00:15:09,670 --> 00:15:12,110 Дебра, перестань. Мы шлюшьи драконы.
- 00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:14,230 Мы живём в этих шмаропещерах, драконим друг друга
- 00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:17,060 и лижем анус, а сейчас вежливо просим вас уйти.
- 00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:19,480 Если колдун узнает, что мы здесь, нас всех ждёт заключение.
- 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:20,520 Да! Нам тут нравится,
- 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,440 потому что мы можем трахаться с шерстяным хоботом! Валите!
- 00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:24,950 - Пошёл нахуй отсюда, Майкл! - Завали, Майкл!
- 00:15:24,970 --> 00:15:26,350 Только ты занимаешься этой хернёй!
- 00:15:26,350 --> 00:15:27,350 А ну пиздуй отсюда.
- 00:15:27,350 --> 00:15:29,350 Я хотя бы говно языком не трогаю!
- 00:15:29,350 --> 00:15:30,640 - Пошёл ты! - Стоп!
- 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,230 Послушайте меня,
- 00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:33,740 это я во всём виноват.
- 00:15:33,770 --> 00:15:36,560 Я хотел держать Бальтромона в узде,
- 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:37,600 и это было по-пидорски.
- 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,350 Никто не должен контролировать других,
- 00:15:39,350 --> 00:15:40,970 особенно тот чувак сверху.
- 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,350 И если вам хочется лизать очко, то почему бы и нет?
- 00:15:43,350 --> 00:15:44,730 Морти, я разберусь.
- 00:15:44,750 --> 00:15:46,190 Слушайте сюда, шмародраконы.
- 00:15:46,190 --> 00:15:48,270 А вы не хотите быть шмарами там?
- 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:50,730 Чтобы у вас был целый шмаромир вместо шмаропещеры?
- 00:15:50,730 --> 00:15:51,600 Да что с вами за фигня?
- 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,180 Этот мужик с хвостом дело говорит.
- 00:15:54,210 --> 00:15:56,950 В глубине души все драконы – шмары, даже те, что наверху.
- 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,150 Но ради свободы придётся убить колдуна.
- 00:15:59,180 --> 00:16:00,140 А он слишком силён.
- 00:16:00,140 --> 00:16:02,990 Есть один способ убить колдуна.
- 00:16:03,020 --> 00:16:04,690 Ух ты. Что это за таинственный персонаж?
- 00:16:04,690 --> 00:16:06,560 Теневой Онанист! Ты не вылезал
- 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,280 из своей дрочильной берлоги целую вечность.
- 00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:11,480 Пора вылезать из спермококона.
- 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,150 Мне надоело дёргать своего одноглазого змея под ваши звуки.
- 00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:17,560 Господи боже. Ладно. Мог бы быть позагадочнее.
- 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,980 Ой, я только заметил посох.
- 00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:22,560 Нам никогда не хватало шмар, чтобы победить колдуна.
- 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,680 Но теперь, когда на нашем пороге оказались четыре
- 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:28,480 новые мокрощёлки, у нас появился шанс.
- 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,690 Значит, после смерти колдуна разорвётся моя связь?
- 00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,930 Да. Решатся все наши проблемы.
- 00:16:32,930 --> 00:16:36,200 - Надо начать оргию душ десяти шмар... - Стоп, стоп, чего?
- 00:16:36,230 --> 00:16:39,060 ...и восстать в виде шлюшьего дракона феникса-шмары.
- 00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:40,560 Стоп, стоп, стоп, стоп, погоди, погоди.
- 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,890 Должно же быть хоть что-то.
- 00:16:41,890 --> 00:16:43,800 Должен быть другой способ, погодите секунду.
- 00:16:43,830 --> 00:16:45,130 Я ещё не всё прочитал.
- 00:16:49,410 --> 00:16:51,200 Наверное, не стоит говорить об этом родителям.
- 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,220 О, нет. Прошу, не надо!
- 00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:20,390 Заморозка! Заморозка!
- 00:17:20,390 --> 00:17:21,640 О, боже.
- 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,260 Ты только всё растянул!
- 00:17:23,290 --> 00:17:26,790 И гореть я буду дольше. А ведь мог быстро умереть.
- 00:17:30,980 --> 00:17:32,040 Спасибо, незнакомцы.
- 00:17:32,070 --> 00:17:33,900 Теперь это ваш мир. Удачи с эмансипацией.
- 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,820 Похоже, что все будут только рады.
- 00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:39,080 Ладно, народ. С помощью палочки я... открою портал.
- 00:17:39,110 --> 00:17:41,020 Открыть портал на Землю.
- 00:17:41,910 --> 00:17:43,560 Валим отсюда нахрен, быстрее.
- 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,140 Боже, вы посмотрите на эту говнину.
- 00:17:45,170 --> 00:17:47,610 Зачем тут надпись? Кто вообще подписывает порталы?
- 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,560 Морти, надо было соглашаться на когти росомахи.
- 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:54,010 Стоп, а что тут делает дракон?
- 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:58,400 - Ну, я подумал... мы могли бы затусить. - Мда. Ух ё! Господи!
- 00:17:58,430 --> 00:18:00,440 Твой отец строчил мне сообщения всё это время?
- 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:04,150 Он в аэропорту с котом. Так, это... это звучит – Ух ты.
- 00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,990 Ладно, лучше проверить, как он там. Такой-то клиффхенгер.
- 00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:08,530 Лучше... лучше двинуть к нему прямо сейчас.
- 00:18:08,550 --> 00:18:10,360 Морти, я же говорил тебе не заводить дракона.
- 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:11,350 Это всё твой косяк, гандон ты мелкий,
- 00:18:11,380 --> 00:18:13,310 - худшее приключение.. - Тупо худшее приключение..
- 00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:16,800 Бальтромон, тебе лучше тоже пойти своей дорогой.
- 00:18:16,830 --> 00:18:18,580 Я тут подумал.
- 00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:22,050 Твои слова в пещере тронули меня.
- 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,920 Может, попробуем ещё раз?
- 00:18:23,940 --> 00:18:25,160 Слушай, если честно, то меня вымораживает
- 00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:27,560 весь этот сексуальный подтекст, который всплыл.
- 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,460 Я и не думал, какие драконы озабоченные.
- 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,560 Я думал, что будет что-то в духе настолок, DnD там.
- 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,930 А также оргия душ с твоей сестрой, дедушкой
- 00:18:33,930 --> 00:18:35,690 и каждым встречным драконом, да?
- 00:18:35,690 --> 00:18:37,810 Нет. Слушай, просто уйди уже пожалуйста, ладно?
- 00:18:37,810 --> 00:18:39,530 М-м-мне надо помыться.
- 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,210 Может, по-быстрому подраконимся перед уходом?
- 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:42,490 Н-н-нет уж, спасибо.
- 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:43,680 Я просто хочу побыть один и...
- 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:47,020 - обдумать это всё. - Ну, а твой дедушка?
- 00:18:47,020 --> 00:18:48,600 Может, он хочет? Я подожду.
- 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:49,980 Нет, тебе лучше уйти.
- 00:18:49,980 --> 00:18:51,680 А я пойду в душ.
- 00:18:51,710 --> 00:18:54,280 Если ты просто хочешь, чтобы тёплая жидкость стекала по твоему телу,
- 00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:55,670 - я бы мог... - Нет, нет, слушай,
- 00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:56,680 я просто хочу помыться!
- 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,110 П-п-после всего случившегося, я чувствую себя грязным.
- 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,770 Может, я тебе душевненько передёрну?
- 00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:03,990 - Люблю это дело. - Хватит этих неловкостей.
- 00:19:04,020 --> 00:19:05,570 Я закрываю дверь.
- 00:19:06,310 --> 00:19:08,560 Сука, продинамил.
- 00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:10,980 Крутая тачка. Я люблю веселиться.
- 00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:12,780 Вот это другой разговор. Продолжай.
- 00:19:12,810 --> 00:19:14,160 Не спрашивай, почему я умею говорить.
- 00:19:14,190 --> 00:19:15,880 Ага.
- 00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:18,030 Конечно. Конечно.
- 00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:20,020 Куда это мы?
- 00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:22,300 Кажется, в квантовом радиаторе не хватает нановоды.
- 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:23,780 Можно... можно размять ноги.
- 00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:32,650 Так почему ты умеешь говорить?
- 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:34,540 Чт... что это?
- 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,980 Тебе нельзя дёргаться, пока я сканирую мозг.
- 00:19:36,980 --> 00:19:39,100 Сканировать мозг? Слушай, это перебор.
- 00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:40,980 Суть говорящего кота в том, чтобы веселиться.
- 00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:43,450 Твой намёк на то, что я не могу задавать вопросы
- 00:19:43,470 --> 00:19:45,100 и веселиться одновременно, кажется мне надменным.
- 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,980 - Тебе тоже, Джерри? - Да.
- 00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:50,490 - Ладно. Я из космоса. Довольны? - Нет.
- 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,940 Именно. Вас вообще любой ответ не устроит.
- 00:19:52,970 --> 00:19:55,330 Потому что это ложь. Посмотрим на правду.
- 00:19:56,270 --> 00:19:57,580 Чё за...
- 00:20:00,770 --> 00:20:02,240 Ох, сукин ты сын...
- 00:20:02,330 --> 00:20:03,820 - Джерри, не надо. - Я хочу посмотреть!
- 00:20:03,850 --> 00:20:05,140 Нет, не стоит!
- 00:20:08,310 --> 00:20:11,230 Нет, нет, нет, нет, нет, нет, нет, нет!
- 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,680 - Может теперь вы... - Убирайся нахрен отсюда!
- 00:20:14,710 --> 00:20:15,780 Но мне совсем некуда...
- 00:20:15,810 --> 00:20:17,020 - Вали! - Вали!
- 00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:18,160 Вали!
- 00:20:25,950 --> 00:20:30,350 Он был у меня дома, где хранятся фотографии моих родителей!
- 00:20:30,380 --> 00:20:32,810 Джерри, у меня есть один прибор. О-он поможет нам забыть.
- 00:20:32,810 --> 00:20:35,620 Не думаю, что стоит забывать,
- 00:20:35,930 --> 00:20:36,980 только не это.
- 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,360 Кто-то должен помнить.
- 00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:40,650 Кое-кто будет помнить.
- 00:20:43,140 --> 00:20:44,290 Мы разбились?
- 00:20:44,450 --> 00:20:45,390 Где кот?
- 00:20:45,420 --> 00:20:48,690 - Он убежал. - Ты просканировал его мозг?
- 00:20:48,710 --> 00:20:50,900 - Ага. - Узнал, почему он говорит?
- 00:20:50,930 --> 00:20:52,640 Он из космоса.
- 00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:54,390 Из космоса.
- 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:59,470 Вот мелкий... Ну, конечно. Мозг мне в анус.
- 00:21:35,770 --> 00:21:37,770 Смотри мешок не раздраконь.
- 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,230 - Что? - Это шутка.
- 00:21:39,230 --> 00:21:41,530 Ты дракон, и можешь раздраконить мешок.
- 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,710 - Понятно. - Как дела?
- 00:21:44,740 --> 00:21:46,640 Вы, люди, достали меня.
- 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,020 Ну, а 50 баксов? Полтос тебя тоже достал?
- 00:21:49,020 --> 00:21:50,180 Я хочу изменить жене,
- 00:21:50,180 --> 00:21:52,480 хочу устроить себе волшебный вечерок в стиле фэнтези.
- 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,970 Тебе не помешает помощь. Так давай поможем друг другу.
- 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:55,740 50 баксов.
- 00:21:59,590 --> 00:22:00,320 Шмара!
- 00:22:00,770 --> 00:22:01,770 Класс.
- 00:22:01,770 --> 00:22:03,770 Есть причина, по которой ты говоришь?
- 00:22:03,770 --> 00:22:06,270 Да, и мне стыдно за неё.
- 00:22:06,420 --> 00:22:08,340 Тогда ничего не говори.
- 00:22:08,690 --> 00:22:11,920 Может, хочешь поесть? Или... сблизиться немного?
- 00:22:11,950 --> 00:22:13,330 Можно и сблизиться.
- 00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:15,790 Долго тебе лететь до Флориды?
- 00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:04,378 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:05,838 Rick, we did it! We -- We got it!
- 00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:07,507 Hurry up, Morty. Get in!
- 00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:08,966 -Chachi! -Fuck Chachi, Morty.
- 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:11,093 -Did you get it? -He helped me escape prison.
- 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:13,513 Did you get the Ultimate Cube?
- 00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:14,889 Oh, it's purple.
- 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,140 Y-You said it was purple.
- 00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:17,642 I said mine was.
- 00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:19,268 I didn't know they all were.
- 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,479 And now we do, thanks to Chichi.
- 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,688 Chachi.
- 00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,484 So, uh, w-w-when do I get it?
- 00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:28,027 Get what, a hug?
- 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:29,570 Let's find a planet with a garden hose first.
- 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,155 -A dragon. -A dragon.
- 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,199 You asked me to cut class and fight robots with you.
- 00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:34,575 I said, "No."
- 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:35,868 You said, "Millions of lives depend on it."
- 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:37,495 I said, "I'll do it for a dragon."
- 00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:39,038 You said, "Whatever."
- 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,540 I want my dragon.
- 00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,041 You know who's into dragons, Morty?
- 00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,876 Nerds that refuse to admit they're Christian.
- 00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:46,003 -I want my dragon. -Let me give you rocket shoes.
- 00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:47,380 Let me give you Wolverine claws.
- 00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:49,173 Let me give you a fucking rocket hat.
- 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,633 Just be sure to use it with the rocket shoes,
- 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:51,968 or it'll rip your head off.
- 00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,011 I want my dragon! I want my dragon!
- 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,179 -I want my dragon! -[ Gas hisses ]
- 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,889 Oh.
- 00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,224 Oh, crap. [ Coughs ]
- 00:00:58,350 --> 00:00:59,934 Crap.
- 00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:04,397 Dad, are you okay?
- 00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:06,190 Your ship crashed in Malta.
- 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,733 [ Groans ] I'm okay.
- 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:10,486 Oh, thank God.
- 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,363 Dad, did you promise Morty a dragon?
- 00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:13,823 Fuuuuuuu--
- 00:01:13,949 --> 00:01:16,951 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:46,856 Ugh!
- 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,108 Bleed here and here.
- 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,318 RICK: I'm not co-bleeding.
- 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,111 Under authority of our treaty
- 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:54,238 'twixt the realms of dragon and man...
- 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:55,448 Oh, my God, it's my first gay wedding.
- 00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:56,866 Summer!
- 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,826 ...I hereby bind this noble serpent and rider
- 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:00,661 at the soul.
- 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:03,748 Here's your tome of dragon spells and lore.
- 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:04,957 That'll have everything you need.
- 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,250 Enjoy your dragon.
- 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,044 Okay, dragon, here's the house rules.
- 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:11,005 [ Roars ] My name is Balthromaw,
- 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,716 breaker of sky, slayer of mountain.
- 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,469 Rule one -- You are now scooper of your own poops,
- 00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:19,472 or I will take you down like the black-light poster you are.
- 00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,223 I don't got any more rules. That's it.
- 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:22,725 [ Door closes ]
- 00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:24,477 I'm guessing you'd rather not be tagged in this.
- 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,437 Okay, I'll bite.
- 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:27,855 What's with the talking cat?
- 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,357 It's a dragon, dip knob.
- 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,983 I know that's a dragon.
- 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:33,778 I'm talking about the talking cat in my bedroom.
- 00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:35,655 Jerry, why would I give Morty a talking dragon
- 00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:37,448 and you a talking cat at the same time?
- 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,075 Those concepts bump.
- 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,826 If you're talking to a cat, it's an abnormal event
- 00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:43,120 unrelated to me like when you went to Pluto
- 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,830 or fucked my daughter.
- 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:47,249 Okay, there's really no need to get savage.
- 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,252 CAT: So?
- 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,879 Eh, he says he has nothing to do with your talking.
- 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,256 -CAT: Told you. -So then why are you talking?
- 00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:56,592 -CAT: Why should that matter? -Why should it not matter?
- 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,761 How do I know I'm not hallucinating?
- 00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,721 Rick said this is an abnormal event.
- 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,890 CAT: Do you always need Rick to tell you what's going on?
- 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,934 Maybe it's time you stopped asking questions
- 00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:07,103 and started having fun.
- 00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:08,646 Oh.
- 00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:11,524 Wow, okay.
- 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:12,858 So, what do you want?
- 00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,402 CAT: I want you to take us to the airport
- 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,904 and get us two first-class tickets to Florida.
- 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:20,157 Why, I -- I can do that.
- 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,493 [ Laughing ]
- 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,829 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,415 Oh, this is so cool!
- 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,625 [ Sighs ]
- 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,963 I await your next command.
- 00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:36,382 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody is commanding anybody.
- 00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:39,760 I love soaring through the sky with you as equals.
- 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,345 W-What do you want to do?
- 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,348 I want to enter my lair and sleep upon my hoard
- 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,184 until the Age of Man expires.
- 00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:48,310 Okay.
- 00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:50,020 Split the diff?
- 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:52,940 20-minute nap and soar through the sky?
- 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,442 Ugh.
- 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,277 As you command.
- 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,862 Okay, see you soon.
- 00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,238 T-This is fun.
- 00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,699 BALTHROMAW: Yeah, right.
- 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:04,076 What's this show called, "Ass"?
- 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:06,704 Yeah, it's like "Bones," but they solve ass crimes.
- 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:07,872 WOMAN ON TV: <i>This ass is a clue.</i>
- 00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:09,123 Are these two gonna hook up?
- 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,292 No, and only the lame fans want that.
- 00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,960 Don't tell me how to enjoy things.
- 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,754 -Go to her ass. -That's Brenner.
- 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,590 Go to Brenner Ass.
- 00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:18,883 Honeymoon over already?
- 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,050 What's that supposed to mean?
- 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,802 Admit it, Morty. Dragons suck.
- 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,846 Why don't you admit you don't anyone else to be happy
- 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,807 because you're a sad old fart?
- 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,392 How do you saddle a fart?
- 00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:29,685 Holy shit. Look!
- 00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:30,936 WOMAN ON TV: <i>I love you, Ass.</i>
- 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:32,104 MAN ON TV: <i>I love you, Brenner.</i>
- 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,314 -No. -Shh.
- 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,107 -Ah! -Oh!
- 00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:37,485 And that's the end of the "Morty Gets a Dragon" episode.
- 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:38,694 Are you gonna slay it?
- 00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:41,155 First off, I always slay it, queen.
- 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,157 -Secondly, yes. -Should I pause "Ass"?
- 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,993 Nah, it's kind of boring now that they're together.
- 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,870 [ Snoring ]
- 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:52,875 Hey, fuckface.
- 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,628 Will you shut the fuck up or at least roll over?
- 00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,755 -[ Groans ] -Oh, no, it burns.
- 00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:00,174 Oh, my God. Oh, the fire of -- of it all.
- 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,259 Ah, if only I had prepared better
- 00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:04,053 for this terrifying battle by remembering
- 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:06,180 the only thing dragons are known for.
- 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:13,312 ♪♪
- 00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:15,064 Careful you don't get heartburn.
- 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,149 I made that android with a lot of C4.
- 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:18,859 Oh, I'm sorry. I imbued it with
- 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,612 a remote-controlled explode-y potion.
- 00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:23,322 You have bested me.
- 00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:25,157 I am at your service.
- 00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:26,742 Good to be on the same parchment.
- 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,410 Now, I'm gonna tell my grandson you ran off
- 00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:31,664 with a low-flying 747 while you pack up your --
- 00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,916 Wait, is this -- Why do you have an original
- 00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,752 Ecto Cooler juice box from 1989?
- 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,588 I hoard that which your kind covets.
- 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:42,633 -Give you 20 bucks for it. -[ Chuckles ] Nice try.
- 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,218 What the hell else are you hoarding down here?
- 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,637 Cha-ching. "Small Soldiers" Spin Pops?
- 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,430 -Don't open that. -I'm not an idiot.
- 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:51,517 Hey, why do you have Future's self-titled album on vinyl?
- 00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:53,102 Look closer.
- 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:54,854 Oh, shit. He signed it.
- 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,730 Closer.
- 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,774 He signed it in molly and Percocet?
- 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,192 I could spend all night down here.
- 00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:03,153 Do you indulge in volcanic fumes?
- 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,739 Is it gonna fuck up my brain?
- 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,534 -No. -I'll do it anyway.
- 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:11,495 Hoo, those were not cheap tickets,
- 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:15,332 but, um, I'm down to clown.
- 00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:18,043 Uh, w-w-w-why can you talk again, uh?
- 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:19,336 CAT: It's not important, Jerry.
- 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:20,796 Okay, but why Florida?
- 00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:22,590 CAT: Because they don't ask questions.
- 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,884 They play volleyball, they party, and they have fun.
- 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,552 Right, right.
- 00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:27,803 CAT: You can do this, Jerry.
- 00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:31,181 I can do this. I can do this.
- 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:34,476 Ugh!
- 00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:36,645 Oh, yeah.
- 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,480 JIPE: Hey, Jerry, after this game,
- 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,149 come to my yacht and bring your cat.
- 00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:41,734 You got it, Jipe.
- 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,569 I got to admit, you were right.
- 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,321 CAT: I've got to tell you something, Jerry.
- 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:48,073 This is the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.
- 00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,534 WOMAN: Oh, gross! Who shit in the sand?
- 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:53,162 Someone took a small shit in the sand
- 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,164 and buried it with, like, two little kicks
- 00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:57,416 and just left it here like a land mine.
- 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,668 Why and who?
- 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:01,837 CAT: It was him.
- 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,255 [ Booing ]
- 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:05,758 Help!
- 00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:07,843 ♪ Percocets, yeah, molly, Percocets ♪
- 00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,345 ♪ Percocets ♪
- 00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:12,306 ♪ Percocets, yeah, molly, Percocets ♪
- 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,682 -[ Belches ] -♪ Mask on ♪
- 00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:15,184 ♪ Fuck it, mask off ♪
- 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:18,270 ♪ Gas gone, never nod off ♪
- 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,777 I'm being summoned by Morty.
- 00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:26,654 Yeah. He's, uh, texting me.
- 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,906 Hmm. How are you responding?
- 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,324 Ugh, I tend not to,
- 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,868 or maybe I'll send, like, a popular animated GIF
- 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,870 that could be interpreted in almost any way.
- 00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:35,996 Brilliant.
- 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,957 I summon thee.
- 00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:41,669 I summon thee, Balthromaw.
- 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,045 What the hell?
- 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,130 Taylor Swift pumping her hands in the air?
- 00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:46,924 -What does it mean when -- -It means you're lame.
- 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,259 ♪ Percocets, yeah, molly, Percocets ♪
- 00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:50,511 ♪ Percocets ♪
- 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,180 ♪ Percocets, yeah, molly, Percocets ♪
- 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,181 ♪ Mask on ♪
- 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,474 ♪ Fuck it, mask off ♪
- 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,809 [ Laughs ]
- 00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,436 ♪ Gas gone, never nod off ♪
- 00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,441 BALTHROMAW: What's the saying?
- 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:08,070 "Orcs work to live. Dwarves live to work."
- 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,279 So dumb.
- 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:10,572 If there's ever a saying about me,
- 00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,908 I'll fly into the fucking Sun.
- 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,577 [ Laughs ]
- 00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:18,414 Oh, you're small for a dragon, Rick.
- 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,916 Well, I sleep on an extra big pile of awesome shit.
- 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,293 Then there will be sayings about you.
- 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,838 Your lessers will hunt you down,
- 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:29,049 and you will be owned or slain.
- 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,677 That's why they call it a dying breed, brother.
- 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:36,265 Ugh! Ugh!
- 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,100 Oh, God, ugh.
- 00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,435 -My soul. -Oh!
- 00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,311 Oh, yeah. I'm --
- 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:42,938 I'm -- I'm a dragon.
- 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,398 Oh! Ugh, I'm bonding.
- 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,816 I'm bonding too.
- 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:48,360 -Oh! -Yeah.
- 00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:49,653 What the fuck?
- 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:50,863 Morty, I can explain.
- 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,031 Stop!
- 00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,449 Why are you still doing it?
- 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:55,325 Why does it feel better now?
- 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,327 I hope it's not because you're watching but don't go anywhere.
- 00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:59,371 How did you find us?
- 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:03,333 We followed the smell of sulfur and skankery.
- 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,669 -Oh! -Oh, yeah.
- 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,963 -Oh, man, ugh. -MORTY: Fuck this.
- 00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:10,382 You can take this stupid fake soul-bond contract,
- 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:13,177 and you can -- Mm! Ah!
- 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:14,553 No refunds.
- 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,930 Your dragon soul-bonded with my grandpa.
- 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,391 Oh, my! I am so sorry.
- 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,101 That is a total violation.
- 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,227 Yeah, no shit.
- 00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,063 I'll take care of this at once.
- 00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,355 You slut dragon!
- 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,398 -What the fuck? -You slut.
- 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:27,524 -Chill out, dude. -Slut!
- 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:28,692 -Okay, that's -- -You slut!
- 00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,027 -Y-You don't have to -- -Slut!
- 00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,320 Shame on you!
- 00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:32,946 Shame, you slut! You slutty, slutty slut!
- 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,823 Ow! Why the fuck does it feel like you're whipping me?
- 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:37,076 Because your soul got tangled
- 00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:38,494 -in a dirty.... -Ah!
- 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:39,620 -...slutty... -Ow!
- 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:40,996 -...slut soul! -Ow!
- 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,122 -Let's go! -Ow! Ow!
- 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,665 Get to that portal, you slut.
- 00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:46,001 Grandpa, do something, or I will tweet,
- 00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:48,253 and you will be canceled.
- 00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:51,507 Hey, Dandruff the Great, lighten up and give the kid his dragon.
- 00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:52,800 By whose command?
- 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,051 You have no magic.
- 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,011 Yeah, I know. I have actual power.
- 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:57,387 Not here, you don't.
- 00:09:57,514 --> 00:10:00,349 True power looks like this --
- 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,559 stone monster.
- 00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:05,104 -Stick that up your ass. -Oh, you're done?
- 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:08,232 I thought the rock monster was here to introduce a physicist.
- 00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:13,904 Spinal cord, uh, activate morphine.
- 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,156 Oh, I might be fucked.
- 00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:18,033 Lightning bridge!
- 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:21,578 Okay, he's gone. Listen up.
- 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,163 There's probably animals in these hills.
- 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,332 If you spare me, I can make your crotch a salt lick.
- 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:29,586 Agana aksaka sapooloo.
- 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,215 Thank you, Morty.
- 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,551 Figures you'd be higher status in Lame World.
- 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,386 Get your shit together, Lair Wrecker.
- 00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:39,096 We need to rescue Balthromaw.
- 00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:42,099 Morty, the moral of this story is bros before dragons.
- 00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,725 You know what I'm talking about?
- 00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:46,436 Yeah, if he dies while you're soul bonded, you die too.
- 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:49,982 Morty, the moral of this story is bros rescue dragons.
- 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,402 WIZARD: Balthromaw, by soul bonding
- 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:55,154 with multiple riders,
- 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,532 you have violated the treaty between dragon and mankind.
- 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:02,911 The Dragonarchy sentences you to hang by the neck until dead.
- 00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:04,705 On the count of three.
- 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,665 One Dragonarchy,
- 00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,876 two Dragonarchy,
- 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,253 2 1/2 -- I just wanted to make sure --
- 00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,338 three!
- 00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:15,549 -[ Choking ] -Grandpa Rick, what's wrong?
- 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,302 Oh, God. The wizard must have hung Balthromaw!
- 00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:19,970 Well, fuck it. Can we go back then?
- 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,972 W-Well, no, no. It takes, like, 78 years
- 00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:23,348 to hang a dragon to death, so...
- 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:25,142 Aw, man. It's so annoying.
- 00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,603 You ever, like, try to swallow a really big vitamin
- 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,104 with no water? Ugh!
- 00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,522 You know, like [clears throat]
- 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,316 really, like, big one, you know,
- 00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:35,402 and it kind of gets, ugh, stuck in your throat?
- 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,737 It's -- It's annoying. All right.
- 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:39,114 Morty, go ahead and activate this golem.
- 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,366 Agana aksaka sapooloo.
- 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,243 [ Golem roaring ]
- 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,371 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:56,173 Fucking dumb. All right.
- 00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:58,842 Who wants to be infused with, like, uh, unreasonable power?
- 00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:00,969 Oh, can I be, like, a sexy arrow-shooty lady?
- 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:04,139 Yeah, whatever. There's no rules. I don't care.
- 00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,099 Morty, you want superpowers?
- 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,060 No, thanks. I'm fine. I've got my book.
- 00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,645 All right. Good luck with that.
- 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,271 Let's go.
- 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:12,814 [ Roaring ]
- 00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,233 RICK: [ Coughs, clears throat ] God, it's like --
- 00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:15,400 Have you ever had too much orange juice,
- 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:16,902 or, like, you know how egg yolk
- 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,570 kind of, like, gets in your throat?
- 00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:19,613 MORTY: Yeah, we get it.
- 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:20,781 Come on and hurry.
- 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,324 W-We got to free Balthromaw.
- 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,159 -Upsulu -- -I got this.
- 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,873 Morty, how's that book working out for you,
- 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,917 you fucking d-d-dumbass?
- 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:36,713 Huh. You know what? You're right.
- 00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:38,632 I could get used to this magic stuff.
- 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,059 There's Balthromaw.
- 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:50,477 Check this shit out. Watch this.
- 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:51,520 Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't even look.
- 00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:52,854 Don't even bother looking.
- 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:54,690 Just fucking let magic guide your arrow.
- 00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:56,650 Summer, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,236 -Take this seriously. -Shut the fuck up, Morty.
- 00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:01,405 Stop trying to pretend like magic involves skill or thought.
- 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,573 Summer, make it look like it's coming out of your butthole.
- 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,075 Yeah, yeah.
- 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:07,077 Ah!
- 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,871 Oh, fuck, my fucking eye, oh!
- 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,666 What in the Medieval equivalent of tarnation --
- 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,835 Jesus Christ!
- 00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,461 Summer, you fucking idiot!
- 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,422 Power of 12 feet.
- 00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:19,506 Uh, ow, fuck!
- 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:20,841 I take it all back!
- 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,926 I fucking hate magic!
- 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:27,556 Ah!
- 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:28,640 Slut thief!
- 00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,809 You're a slut thief!
- 00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:33,562 [ Electronic music playing ]
- 00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:36,106 CAT: Pretty fun boat, fun people.
- 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:39,443 That's great, not being asked why I can talk.
- 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:43,113 I'm a talking cat, but "Who cares why?" is my point.
- 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:46,283 Well, nice talking to you for no reason.
- 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:49,745 Jorge, that was a good one,
- 00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:51,496 but do you know what a peanut butter gargoyle is?
- 00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:52,831 Nah, what's that?
- 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:54,791 Dude, it's when you take the chick,
- 00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:56,793 -put her feet on a cathedral -- -Sorry to interrupt, guys.
- 00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,671 Just want to clarify, are these real sex positions?
- 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:01,214 Because if they are,
- 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,759 how are they gratifying to the male at all?
- 00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:05,635 And if the goal is to make something up,
- 00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:09,723 why not make up something...funnier?
- 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,851 I'm asking too many questions, aren't I?
- 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,227 How ironic.
- 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,313 Get out of Florida, you overthinking cat.
- 00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,398 Why don't you go overthink shit up north in Georgia?
- 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,733 ALL: Hate that cat.
- 00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:31,119 CAT: You got any money for a cab?
- 00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:32,579 Why ask questions?
- 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,289 Why not just have fun?
- 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:35,791 I deserve that.
- 00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:38,543 WIZARD: Attention, citizens of Draygon,
- 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:41,296 a slut dragon has escaped.
- 00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:44,674 Anyone caught harboring it is also a slut.
- 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,259 -That's how it goes. -Ow, my eye.
- 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:49,179 It pains me that you can feel my pain.
- 00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:50,555 Yeah, how about you suck your dick,
- 00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:52,391 which is also somehow my dick?
- 00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:55,811 Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy?
- 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,896 M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell
- 00:14:58,022 --> 00:14:59,314 in here and g-get us home.
- 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,982 How about finding the spell that unbinds me
- 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:02,317 from your fucking dragon?
- 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:04,319 DEBRANAVOX: No spells can do that.
- 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,488 Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds.
- 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:07,823 Uh, who the fuck are you?
- 00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:09,616 Who are we? Who the fuck are you, bitch?
- 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,035 Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons.
- 00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,079 We live in these slut caves where we fuck,
- 00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:17,124 suck, and eat butt, and we kindly ask that you leave.
- 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,501 If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us.
- 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,002 Yeah! We like it down here
- 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:23,296 'cause we can fuck woolly mammoths. Get out!
- 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,297 Get the fuck out of here, Michael!
- 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,298 Shut up, Michael!
- 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,299 You're the only one that fucks that thing.
- 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,551 Get the fuck out of here.
- 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:29,302 Well, at least I'm not into shit play.
- 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,554 -DEBRANAVOX: Fuck you! -MORTY: Hey, wait!
- 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,180 Everybody stop, stop!
- 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:33,890 Listen, this is all my fault.
- 00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,476 I started all this when I tried to control Balthromaw,
- 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:37,727 and that was fucked up.
- 00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,312 Nobody should control anyone,
- 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,856 especially that guy up there.
- 00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:43,358 And, um, you can eat butt if you want, I guess.
- 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:44,568 -I, uh -- -I got this, Morty.
- 00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,278 Okay, listen up, slut dragons!
- 00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:48,196 Wouldn't you rather be sluts up there,
- 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:50,657 have a fuck world instead of a fuck cave?
- 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,159 What's wrong with you?
- 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,202 This man with a ponytail makes a valid point.
- 00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:56,997 All dragons are sluts deep down, even the ones up above,
- 00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:59,124 but we would have to kill the wizard to be free.
- 00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,417 He is too powerful.
- 00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,128 There is a way to kill the wizard.
- 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:04,713 Whoa. Who's this mysterious character?
- 00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,423 Shadow Jacker, you haven't come out
- 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:08,216 of your masturbation cave in eons.
- 00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:11,553 It's high time I emerge from my cum cocoon.
- 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,847 I grow tired of eavesdropping and masturbating
- 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,098 to the sounds you all make.
- 00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:16,433 Jesus Christ. All right.
- 00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,559 C-Could use a little more mystery.
- 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:19,311 Oh, oh, just now seeing the staff.
- 00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:22,564 We've never had enough sluts to defeat the wizard.
- 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:25,108 Now, with the four fresh, wet sluts that
- 00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:28,570 just landed on our doorstep, we finally have a chance.
- 00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:30,739 So killing the wizard will break my soul bond.
- 00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:33,074 Yes, it solves all of our problems.
- 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,202 We must begin a 10-slut soul orgy...
- 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:36,870 MORTY: Wait, wait, what?
- 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,372 ...and become the all-slut slut phoenix dragon, Slut.
- 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,749 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on.
- 00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:42,417 There's got to be something else in here.
- 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:43,919 There's got to be another way. Just give me a second.
- 00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:45,670 I haven't read all this yet.
- 00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:49,299 [ All moaning ]
- 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,134 Maybe don't tell your parents we did this?
- 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:55,305 [ Moaning continues ]
- 00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:18,245 Oh, oh, no. Oh -- Wait, please, no!
- 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,621 Ice spell! Ice spell!
- 00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:21,706 Oh, God!
- 00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,333 That just made it last longer.
- 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:24,960 Ah, it burns longer!
- 00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:27,003 Ah, I could have died fast!
- 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,509 Thank you, strangers.
- 00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:34,094 Well, it's your world now. Have fun with empowerment.
- 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,054 It seems to make everyone that gets it really happy.
- 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:39,140 All right, guys. I'll use this to open a portal.
- 00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:41,851 Uh, open a portal to Earth.
- 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,645 Let's get the hell out of here fast.
- 00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:45,313 God, look at this piece of shit.
- 00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:47,774 Why is there writing on it? Who writes on a portal?
- 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,654 Should've taken me up on those Wolverine claws instead, Morty.
- 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,239 Wait, why did the dragon come?
- 00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,533 I was thinking we could hang out?
- 00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:58,535 Oh, yeah. Whoa, Jesus.
- 00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:00,370 Your dad's been texting me this whole time?
- 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,038 Uh, he's at an airport with a cat.
- 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,707 Okay, that -- that sounds -- Wow.
- 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,041 You know, I better check on him.
- 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:06,710 Big season finale right there, you know?
- 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,378 Better, uh -- Better go right now.
- 00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,255 Also, I told you not to get a dragon, Morty.
- 00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:12,090 This is your fault. Fuck you, worst adventure ever.
- 00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:13,758 Worst adventure ever.
- 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:16,678 Yeah, uh, I guess you better be on your way too, Balthromaw.
- 00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,555 Well, I've been thinking.
- 00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:22,100 What you said back there in the cave really resonated with me.
- 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:23,852 Maybe we could try again?
- 00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:25,312 Look, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out
- 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,606 with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded.
- 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:29,524 I didn't know how sexual dragons were.
- 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,901 I kind of just wanted to do some D&D stuff, you know?
- 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,154 And have a soul orgy with your sister and grandpa
- 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,905 and every dragon we could find, yeah?
- 00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,907 No, look, can you please just go?
- 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:39,409 I-I-I really want to shower.
- 00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,244 Maybe a quick soul bone before I go.
- 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:42,537 I-I-I-I'm good.
- 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:43,872 I think I just need to be alone
- 00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,874 and sort of un-- unpack all this.
- 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,208 What about your grandpa?
- 00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:48,627 Would he want to? I can wait.
- 00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:50,045 No, I think you better go.
- 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,755 I-I'm gonna take that shower.
- 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:54,382 If it's just warm liquid you want trickled over your body,
- 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:55,717 -I could maybe -- -No, no, look.
- 00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:57,177 I just want to be clean!
- 00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,137 I-I-I feel dirty after everything that's happened.
- 00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:02,223 How about a quick hand bond?
- 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:03,975 -I like doing it. -You're embarrassing yourself.
- 00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:05,769 I-I-I'm closing the door.
- 00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:08,813 Fucking soul teasers.
- 00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:11,024 CAT: This is a cool car. I like having fun.
- 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,901 That's what I'm talking about. Keep it moving.
- 00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:14,277 Don't ask why I can talk.
- 00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:15,987 -Mm, mm, mm. -Uh-huh.
- 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,531 For sure. For sure.
- 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,075 CAT: Where are we going?
- 00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:22,285 Quantum radiator might need some nanowater.
- 00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,287 We -- We can stretch our legs.
- 00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:29,876 [ Bottles clatter ]
- 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,046 So, uh, why can you talk?
- 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,547 CAT: What is this?
- 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,925 I need you in one spot for a clean mind scan.
- 00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,135 CAT: Mind scan? Look, you're overthinking it.
- 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,096 The point of a talking cat is to have fun.
- 00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:43,431 I find the insinuation that I can't ask questions
- 00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,100 <i>and</i> have fun condescending.
- 00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:46,810 Y-You find it condescending, Jerry?
- 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:47,852 Yes.
- 00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,270 CAT: All right. I'm from outer space.
- 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:50,605 -Happy? -No.
- 00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:52,899 CAT: Exactly, because no answer would be satisfying.
- 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:53,983 Because it's a lie.
- 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:56,403 Let's see the truth.
- 00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:57,529 What in the...
- 00:19:57,655 --> 00:20:00,407 [ Explosions ]
- 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,409 Oh, son of a bitch.
- 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:03,910 -Jerry, don't. -I want to see.
- 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,954 No, you do not.
- 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:11,251 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,586 CAT: At least now maybe --
- 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:14,713 Get the hell out of here!
- 00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:15,714 But I've got nowhere to go.
- 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,881 -Get out! -Get out!
- 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:17,882 Get out!
- 00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:20,301 [ Crying ]
- 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:26,057 [ Crying ]
- 00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:30,395 He was in my home where I keep photos of my parents.
- 00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:31,563 Jerry, I have a device.
- 00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:32,981 I-It can make us forget.
- 00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:35,775 No, I don't think we should forget,
- 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,318 not this.
- 00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:39,487 Someone has to remember.
- 00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,197 Someone will.
- 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:44,492 Did we crash?
- 00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:45,535 Where's the cat?
- 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:47,495 He, uh, ran away.
- 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:49,581 -Did you scan his brain? -Yeah.
- 00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:50,957 Did you find out why he can talk?
- 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,834 He's from outer space.
- 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,961 Outer space?
- 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,588 That little -- [ Chuckles ]
- 00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:59,966 Of course, total mind fuck.
- 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:03,094 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,629 Now, that's what I call draggin'.
- 00:21:37,755 --> 00:21:39,422 -What? -It's a joke.
- 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,382 You're a dragon draggin' your stuff.
- 00:21:41,509 --> 00:21:42,926 I understand.
- 00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:44,761 So, how you doing?
- 00:21:44,887 --> 00:21:46,846 I grow weary of you humans.
- 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:49,182 How about 50 bucks? You weary of 50 bucks?
- 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:50,725 I'm trying to cheat on my wife.
- 00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:52,769 I'm looking for a little magic, a little fantasy.
- 00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:54,813 You could use some help. Let's help each other, huh?
- 00:21:54,939 --> 00:21:55,980 50 bucks.
- 00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:58,483 [ Roars ]
- 00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:00,151 Slut!
- 00:22:00,277 --> 00:22:01,986 CAT: Nice.
- 00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:03,488 Is there a reason you can speak?
- 00:22:03,614 --> 00:22:06,241 Yeah, and I'm ashamed of it.
- 00:22:06,367 --> 00:22:08,743 Then speak of it no more.
- 00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:11,830 Do you wish to eat, maybe bond a little?
- 00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:13,832 CAT: Yeah, I could bond.
- 00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:15,834 How long does it take you to fly to Florida?