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Инопланетянин по имени Глути подаёт завтрак Смитам, часто прося помощи в разработке мобильного приложения, хотя Рик вытатуировал Глути на лбу «Не разрабатывай моё приложение». Когда Рик извиняется и уходит в одиночное приключение, которое Саммер предполагает как испражнение, Джерри проявляет любопытство и предлагает разработать приложение Глути. Приложение Глути и Джерри выходит в сеть, что приводит Морти в бешенство. Приложение под названием «Найди любоффь» оказалось приложением для знакомств, которое побуждает своих пользователей полностью сосредоточить своё внимание на поисках своей настоящей любви. Саммер бросает Бет за обедом на свидание, что приводит к ссоре между ними. Видя повсеместный хаос, Джерри осознаёт свой проступок и присоединяется к Морти, требуя, чтобы Глути снёс приложение. Глути приводит их к своему материнскому кораблю, где они встречают лидера инопланетян, который упрекает человечество в неспособности овладеть любовью и заявляет, что приложение отвлекает от кражи водных ресурсов Земли. Бет преследует Саммер, которая постоянно меняет свою вторую половинку с помощью приложения, в то время как Джерри и Морти схвачены. Джерри удаётся убедить Глути снести приложение, демонстрируя их схожесть в том, что они не могут найти совпадение в приложении. Пока Морти отчитывает Джерри за его решения, Глути помещает рекламу в приложение, заставляя Саммер и всех остальных удалить приложение и возобновить свою жизнь. Между тем, Рик идёт в живописный частный туалет. Обнаружив, что кто-то воспользовался его туалетом, он выслеживает причастного, которого зовут Тони. Несмотря на предостережения Рика, Тони продолжает пользоваться туалетом, заставив Рика наказать его с помощью химического вещества под названием «Глобафин», чтобы поместить его в его идеальную симуляцию рая, наполненную туалетом, прежде чем изгнать его. Когда Рик даёт ему последнее предупреждение, Тони упрекает его в проблемах с контролем и советует дружить. Рик готовит меры защиты унитаза, призванные унизить его будущего пользователя. При посещении офиса Тони он узнаёт от его помощника, что Тони уволился с работы и погиб в лыжной аварии, намереваясь жить полной жизнью. Чувствуя себя виноватым, Рик посещает похороны Тони, затем возвращается в туалет и садится на унитаз, что порождает толпу голографических Риков, ругающих «Тони» и его одиночество. В сцене после титров Джерри использует немного Глобафина и видит свою идеальную реальность: себя как компетентного доставщика бутылок с водой.
- 00:00:05,420 --> 00:00:06,490 Сироп закончился.
- 00:00:06,490 --> 00:00:07,560 Хм. А знаете что?
- 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,230 Позову-ка я своего стажёра.
- 00:00:10,230 --> 00:00:12,500 - Глути? - Хватит?
- 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:14,160 - Спасибо, Глути. - Что-нибудь ещё?
- 00:00:14,170 --> 00:00:15,700 Разработаем приложение?
- 00:00:15,700 --> 00:00:17,170 - Нет, Глути, спасибо. - Здарова, Глути.
- 00:00:17,170 --> 00:00:19,040 Привет, Морти, разработаем приложение?
- 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:20,440 - Не, спасибо. - Рик, почему на лбу твоего стажёра
- 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,570 написано "Не разрабатывай моё приложение"?
- 00:00:22,580 --> 00:00:23,910 А что? Хочешь разработать?
- 00:00:23,910 --> 00:00:24,980 Джерри, я рад, что ты спросил.
- 00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:26,710 Это для того, чтобы ты его не разрабатывал.
- 00:00:26,710 --> 00:00:29,810 Глути, иди отксерокопируй что-нибудь.
- 00:00:29,810 --> 00:00:32,650 Принял. Если кто-то захочет разработать приложение, я в деле.
- 00:00:32,650 --> 00:00:35,190 Похоже, он очень хочет разработать приложение.
- 00:00:35,190 --> 00:00:37,390 Да, милая, так и есть, но никто этого делать не будет.
- 00:00:37,390 --> 00:00:38,790 А теперь прошу прощения,
- 00:00:38,790 --> 00:00:40,720 но меня ждёт приключение в соло,
- 00:00:40,730 --> 00:00:44,090 и его режиссёром выступит не Рон Ховард.
- 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,330 Он покакать пошёл. Когда деда Рик гладит свой живот
- 00:00:46,330 --> 00:00:47,860 и уходит без Морти, это значит, что он идёт какать.
- 00:00:47,870 --> 00:00:49,870 Этот срак-отшельник стесняется нас и ходит в свой секретный толкан.
- 00:00:49,870 --> 00:00:51,600 Да иди ты на хуй, Саммер.
- 00:00:51,860 --> 00:00:54,340 Милая, лучше бы ты с таким рвением об экзаменах думала.
- 00:00:54,340 --> 00:00:57,270 Что ж. А мне хватит смелости сказать "Я иду какать".
- 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:00,540 И я буду польщён, если в этом поучаствует Рон Ховард.
- 00:01:00,550 --> 00:01:01,500 - Молодец, дорогой. - Круто, пап.
- 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,500 Держим за тебя кулачки.
- 00:01:06,910 --> 00:01:08,280 Он тебя конкретно припряг, да?
- 00:01:08,290 --> 00:01:09,620 Ты хотел разработать приложение?
- 00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:11,890 - Я пас, Глути. - Хм. Ну и зря.
- 00:01:11,890 --> 00:01:13,620 Да? Почему же?
- 00:01:13,630 --> 00:01:15,160 Перед таким приложением не устоять.
- 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,490 - Можно узнать, в чём его суть? - Конечно, можно.
- 00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:20,360 Это будет первый шаг в его разработке.
- 00:01:23,980 --> 00:01:25,040 50/50! Последнее предложение.
- 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,740 Построить модель обратного пищеварения.
- 00:03:25,490 --> 00:03:26,960 Пора встретить твоего создателя.
- 00:03:28,820 --> 00:03:30,030 Что это вы делаете?
- 00:03:30,030 --> 00:03:31,630 Вы что, приложение разработали?
- 00:03:31,630 --> 00:03:33,560 Сынок, первое правило в разработке приложений –
- 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,070 - ...забей на правила. - Только если правила не набиты
- 00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:37,970 на лбу пришельца, папа!
- 00:03:37,970 --> 00:03:39,770 Думаешь, зачем Рик придумал это правило?!
- 00:03:39,770 --> 00:03:41,440 Пф. Да у него синдром вахтёра.
- 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:42,570 Нет, папа!
- 00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:44,110 Чтобы предотвратить нечто ужасное!
- 00:03:44,110 --> 00:03:46,180 То, что ему лень объяснять.
- 00:03:46,210 --> 00:03:47,980 Народ, у нас первые пользователи!
- 00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:53,450 Ух ты. Приложуха подобрала мне парня,
- 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,720 который ид мне под.
- 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,190 Идеально мне подходит. Учись сокр.
- 00:03:58,590 --> 00:03:59,190 Эй!
- 00:03:59,190 --> 00:04:02,060 Твой "ид-под" работает в "Сабвэй"
- 00:04:02,060 --> 00:04:04,190 и 25 раз в год ходит на концерты Phish.
- 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,800 - В этом весь Дэнни. - Саммер!
- 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,200 - Дэнни? - Саммер Смит?
- 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,800 ...Дэнни Баблитс из "НайдиЛюбоффь" с двумя "ф" и мягким знаком?
- 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,220 Я бежал сюда, не отрываясь от твоего профиля.
- 00:04:13,410 --> 00:04:15,140 Я споткнулся о пожарный гидрант и упал в щебёнку,
- 00:04:15,140 --> 00:04:17,010 которая прилипла к моему потному телу.
- 00:04:17,010 --> 00:04:18,410 И после душа
- 00:04:18,410 --> 00:04:20,410 я всё равно буду слушать рок-группу для старых торчков.
- 00:04:20,780 --> 00:04:22,810 Мне кажется, этот мир слишком печётся о группах
- 00:04:22,810 --> 00:04:24,420 и мало думает о любви.
- 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,550 - Кажется, я люблю тебя. - И я тебя.
- 00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:29,950 Привет, я мать этой несовершеннолетней девочки.
- 00:04:29,950 --> 00:04:31,550 Приятно... Воу!
- 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,160 Полегче! Вы только познакомились!
- 00:04:33,830 --> 00:04:35,230 У нас ничего не выйдет.
- 00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:36,450 Погоди. Что ты...
- 00:04:36,830 --> 00:04:37,770 Неважно.
- 00:04:38,350 --> 00:04:41,070 Я увольняюсь! Я гей, и я люблю Зандера!
- 00:04:41,140 --> 00:04:43,090 Глупые гаджеты губят нас!
- 00:04:45,020 --> 00:04:45,570 Привет, милая.
- 00:04:45,570 --> 00:04:47,640 Дорогой, наша дочь сбежала с любителем фрисби-гольфа
- 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,440 из-за какого-то приложения с тупым
- 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:50,840 и незапоминающимся названием.
- 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:54,840 Название прям какое-то супер дурацкое, неоригинальное и вымученное.
- 00:04:54,850 --> 00:04:56,050 В общем, буду поздно. Люблю тебя.
- 00:04:56,050 --> 00:04:58,250 Понял. И я тебя люблю.
- 00:04:58,580 --> 00:05:00,860 Ладно, Глути, сноси приложение.
- 00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:03,450 Я не могу его снести, я всего лишь стажёр.
- 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,120 Эм... Это вам не поможет.
- 00:05:08,130 --> 00:05:09,990 Тогда может ты нам поможешь?
- 00:05:09,990 --> 00:05:12,860 Это не поможет добиться от меня помощи!
- 00:05:12,860 --> 00:05:14,330 У-удаляй его с сервера!
- 00:05:14,330 --> 00:05:16,070 Т-ты думаешь, что мы тупицы, но это не так.
- 00:05:16,070 --> 00:05:18,200 Мы знаем, что приложения как-то связаны с серверами.
- 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,140 Сервер на главном корабле.
- 00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:20,270 Где главный корабль?
- 00:05:20,270 --> 00:05:21,870 - Скоро прилетит. - Отведи нас к нему.
- 00:05:21,870 --> 00:05:23,140 - Нет. - Да.
- 00:05:23,140 --> 00:05:24,740 Потряси его сильнее, Морти, это помогает.
- 00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:26,210 Отведи нас на главный корабль!
- 00:05:38,850 --> 00:05:40,490 Ладно, только не бейте! Не бейте!
- 00:05:40,490 --> 00:05:42,560 Приложение "Пугающее Пиканье".
- 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:44,760 Ну разве можно злиться на это талантище?
- 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,430 Ещё как можно и нужно, пап!
- 00:05:52,970 --> 00:05:54,640 - Ква ква. - Ква ква.
- 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,640 - Эй, ква ква ква! - Ква ква ква.
- 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,640 Ты посмотри на него. Просто пожирает меня взглядом.
- 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,040 Эй, ты хочешь меня съесть, да?
- 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,780 - Ква. - Да шучу. Держи свою дурь.
- 00:06:01,780 --> 00:06:03,780 - Это ты Червесос? - Чё ему надо?
- 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,780 - Что это за мартышка? - Я насчёт сэндвича.
- 00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:07,580 Оу, ну тогда ты по адресу...
- 00:06:07,590 --> 00:06:09,850 ...ведь сейчас ты получишь сэндвич из пуль
- 00:06:09,850 --> 00:06:12,460 с двумя ломтиками целой... пушки.
- 00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:15,140 Лучше ответь.
- 00:06:17,350 --> 00:06:20,000 - Алло? - Папа! Дай этому человеку всё,
- 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,930 что он захочет. Этот псих знает, где я живу!
- 00:06:23,130 --> 00:06:24,670 Ха-ха-ха, ну ты и долбозвон.
- 00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:27,650 У меня восемьсот тысяч детей.
- 00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:29,340 Не забудь про автоответчик.
- 00:06:29,340 --> 00:06:33,940 У вас четыреста семьдесят тысяч сообщений.
- 00:06:33,950 --> 00:06:35,640 Ох, ну, это уже половина,
- 00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:37,210 короче, ч-ч-что тебе нужно? Зачем пришёл?
- 00:06:38,570 --> 00:06:40,420 Стоп, так весь сыр-бор правда из-за сэндвича?
- 00:06:40,420 --> 00:06:42,820 Я думал, дело в наркоте, пушках
- 00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:44,890 или том факте, что муха заправляет рестораном для лягушек.
- 00:06:44,890 --> 00:06:47,420 Миллион подозрительных фактов,
- 00:06:47,430 --> 00:06:48,690 но среди них точно нет сэндвичей.
- 00:06:48,690 --> 00:06:51,230 - Кто его заказал? - Поговори с дроном-доставщиком.
- 00:06:51,230 --> 00:06:54,200 Он... на войне сейчас вместе с другими роботами.
- 00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:57,230 Слышь, макака, надеюсь, ты доволен,
- 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:59,170 что нажил себе целый рой врагов.
- 00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:02,480 Я буду доволен, когда найду того, кто насрал в мой унитаз.
- 00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:05,990 Это какая-то кодовая фраза? Загуглите кто-нибудь.
- 00:07:06,020 --> 00:07:07,740 Если это сленг наркоманов, то я должен быть в теме.
- 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,820 - Мама, тебе не остановить истинную любовь! - Ещё как остановить!
- 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,860 - Это уже похищение! - Не ори.
- 00:07:15,890 --> 00:07:18,140 - Меня похищают! - Ах, так?
- 00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:19,460 - Изнасилование несовершеннолетней! - Эй.
- 00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:20,660 Мою дочь сейчас изнасилуют!
- 00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:22,060 Вовсе нет! Меня похищают!
- 00:07:22,060 --> 00:07:23,190 - Насилуют! - Похищают!
- 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,460 - Насилуют! - Всем плевать. Это дешёвый мотель.
- 00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:27,200 Думаете, люди здесь от хорошей жизни прячутся
- 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,330 и им не хватает ещё только в ваши дела вмешаться?
- 00:07:29,330 --> 00:07:30,610 Сами разбирайтесь со своим говном.
- 00:07:31,460 --> 00:07:33,200 Ты не помешаешь нам снять комнату.
- 00:07:33,210 --> 00:07:34,340 Ладно, тогда я тоже сниму.
- 00:07:34,340 --> 00:07:35,870 Прямо по соседству.
- 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:37,470 Приложу стакан к стене и буду слушать.
- 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:39,340 - Класс. Наслаждайся. - И буду.
- 00:07:39,350 --> 00:07:41,730 - Кстати, я Дэнни. - Ты просрал свой шанс, чмошник.
- 00:07:45,770 --> 00:07:47,220 Сноси приложение.
- 00:07:47,220 --> 00:07:48,460 С-сноси. Сноси его!
- 00:07:48,690 --> 00:07:49,620 - Что? - Я у них в заложниках.
- 00:07:49,620 --> 00:07:51,750 - У них есть оружие? - Не-а, но у меня тоже нет.
- 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,520 У... у тебя есть оружие?
- 00:07:53,650 --> 00:07:54,080 Нет.
- 00:07:55,340 --> 00:07:56,560 - Сноси приложение! - Сноси приложение!
- 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,630 Не могу. Я стажёр.
- 00:07:57,630 --> 00:07:59,900 Ладно, кто командует стажёрами?
- 00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:01,300 Ну, уж точно не ты.
- 00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:05,440 Отведи нас к тому, кто командует, а не то мы... Мы тебе врежем.
- 00:08:05,870 --> 00:08:06,640 Ладно.
- 00:08:07,010 --> 00:08:08,170 Неплохо, Морти.
- 00:08:08,170 --> 00:08:09,910 Да, не знаю, когда нас ждёт очередной подвох,
- 00:08:09,910 --> 00:08:12,380 но пока всё идёт хорошо.
- 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,450 Приветствую. Мы Моногатроны.
- 00:08:15,450 --> 00:08:17,850 Пока ваш вид игрался с огнём,
- 00:08:17,850 --> 00:08:20,780 наш вид освоил науку серьёзных отношений
- 00:08:20,790 --> 00:08:22,180 и моногамии.
- 00:08:22,190 --> 00:08:23,990 Теперь на вашей планете есть наше приложение,
- 00:08:23,990 --> 00:08:28,930 так что приготовьтесь узреть истинную силу безупречной близости.
- 00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:30,330 Сноси приложение!
- 00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:33,220 Сноси давай, а то мы... мы... мы тебе врежем!
- 00:08:33,670 --> 00:08:35,330 Тут есть кто-нибудь с пушкой или...
- 00:08:35,330 --> 00:08:36,730 Уже в пути.
- 00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:37,670 Приложение остаётся.
- 00:08:37,670 --> 00:08:39,400 И что у вас за зловещий план?
- 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,270 А обязательно нужен зловещий план?
- 00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:43,670 Кто тут пушку просил?
- 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:44,940 Я возьму. Спасибо.
- 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,680 Итак, наш злобный план.
- 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:47,810 Чёрт возьми.
- 00:08:47,810 --> 00:08:49,480 Ваша отсталая цивилизация без приложения
- 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:52,620 ценит любовь, потому что она в дефиците.
- 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,550 Находить любовь вы научились отлично,
- 00:08:55,550 --> 00:08:59,150 но вы не имеете понятия, как её сохранить.
- 00:08:59,890 --> 00:09:01,760 Освоив любовь,
- 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:05,430 вы бы поняли, что её у вас в избытке, прямо как воды.
- 00:09:05,430 --> 00:09:07,770 А вот у нас с водой проблемы!
- 00:09:07,910 --> 00:09:09,700 Эта ссанина заканчивается.
- 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:11,700 Так что мы заберём её у вас,
- 00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:14,840 пока ваша планета будет ковыряться с...
- 00:09:15,060 --> 00:09:16,770 как там называется их версия?
- 00:09:16,930 --> 00:09:18,980 НайдиЛюбоффь с двумя "ф" и мягким знаком.
- 00:09:18,980 --> 00:09:20,710 - Ох. - Ага. Не моя идея.
- 00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:22,850 - Твою мать. - Я не мешаю?
- 00:09:22,850 --> 00:09:25,840 Ты не можешь помешать. Вот она.
- 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,120 Твои пленники сбегают.
- 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,850 Пленники – вещь мимолётная.
- 00:09:29,850 --> 00:09:32,120 Пообщайся со мной. Как прошёл твой день?
- 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:33,520 У меня была потрясающая встреча.
- 00:09:33,530 --> 00:09:36,420 Ты знал, что люди на 80% состоят из воды?
- 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,800 И я нашла классный подкаст, можем вечерком послушать.
- 00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:40,480 С радостью.
- 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:42,000 Ладно, за работу.
- 00:09:42,490 --> 00:09:45,000 Найти и убить этих землян!
- 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,340 Мы в меньшинстве. Надежды нет.
- 00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:55,280 Тогда мы уйдём в лучах славы.
- 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,650 Готовься к смерти, мясной чужак.
- 00:09:58,010 --> 00:09:59,030 Ой, погоди.
- 00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:02,010 Мои извинения, капитан-лейтенант.
- 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,550 Да ничего. Вольно, солдат.
- 00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:09,170 Запустить режим оценки сотрудников.
- 00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:11,780 - Открываю архив доставки. - Так, ладно.
- 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,430 Ты доставлял сэндвич с мясом птицы
- 00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:15,900 без капус-- Твою дивизию!
- 00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:38,340 Вай! Не это ль ищешь-свищешь?
- 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,390 Ладно, л-л-лады. Я понял, здоровяк
- 00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,190 хочет побадаться с мелюзгой, но...
- 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,600 Сука, да ты стебёшься?
- 00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:51,220 ...репортаж из Среднего вазара,
- 00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:53,270 где Роболюционное сопротивление
- 00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:54,540 полностью разгромило ящеров.
- 00:10:54,540 --> 00:10:56,070 Я всё понимаю, мистер Филлипс.
- 00:10:56,260 --> 00:10:57,220 Да.
- 00:10:58,210 --> 00:10:59,730 Полагаю, это твоё.
- 00:11:00,900 --> 00:11:03,350 Ты, эм... обронил это.
- 00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:05,020 Я вам перезвоню.
- 00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:06,950 Где ты хочешь сдохнуть?
- 00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:09,490 Сьюзан, третий конференц-зал свободен?
- 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,970 Можно я буду смотреть на фото своей жены, пока ты меня убиваешь?
- 00:11:13,210 --> 00:11:14,340 Конечно, но я делаю ей одолжение.
- 00:11:14,370 --> 00:11:15,830 Либо у неё дурной вкус,
- 00:11:15,830 --> 00:11:17,860 либо её туалетный вор в плену держит.
- 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:18,870 Она мертва.
- 00:11:19,670 --> 00:11:21,110 И я не против присоединиться к ней.
- 00:11:21,460 --> 00:11:24,800 Жизнь стала... пустой, когда я потерял её.
- 00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,160 Но сортир у тебя шикарный.
- 00:11:27,610 --> 00:11:28,950 Просто я, скажем так, срак-отшельник, стыжусь этого дела.
- 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,040 Ну, не тяни.
- 00:11:34,490 --> 00:11:35,400 Жди здесь.
- 00:11:39,090 --> 00:11:40,180 Скажи ему то, что сказал мне.
- 00:11:40,190 --> 00:11:41,320 Что это? В чём дело?
- 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,250 Скажи ему то, что сказал мне!
- 00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:43,650 Моя жена ещё жива.
- 00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:45,660 У-у-у неё случилась ремиссия десять лет назад.
- 00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:47,060 Что ты сегодня делал?
- 00:11:47,060 --> 00:11:48,320 Оу, я сегодня испражнулся
- 00:11:48,330 --> 00:11:50,190 в один офигенный тубзалет, который нашёл на...
- 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,220 ай!
- 00:11:52,910 --> 00:11:54,820 Не оправдывайся мёртвой жёнушкой.
- 00:11:54,850 --> 00:11:57,400 Ты срёшь в мой унитаз, потому что не знаешь своё место.
- 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,340 А оно даже не у параши, его вообще нет.
- 00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:00,940 Когда в следующий раз найдёшь туалет,
- 00:12:00,940 --> 00:12:04,570 который кажется слишком хорошим для твоей жопы, поверь, так и есть.
- 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,210 - Так ты меня не убьешь? - Я сам решу, что мне делать!
- 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,050 Сука, чё за приколы?
- 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:47,200 Что такое? Умирать расхотелось?
- 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,130 Тогда какого хрена ты здесь расселся?
- 00:12:49,150 --> 00:12:51,160 После нашей встречи я размышлял над тем,
- 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,690 как твои слова открыли мне глаза.
- 00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:54,500 Я задумался: зачем ты это говоришь,
- 00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:56,060 а главное - кому?
- 00:12:56,170 --> 00:12:57,840 Тебе это тоже нужно, Рик.
- 00:12:57,870 --> 00:13:00,630 Тебе нужен кто-то, кто разрешит тебе... просто жить.
- 00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:02,300 Какого...?
- 00:13:02,310 --> 00:13:04,100 Я думал, ты на людях пёрнуть боишься.
- 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,820 Знаешь, что значит бояться пёрнуть, Рик?
- 00:13:05,980 --> 00:13:07,780 Это бесполезная борьба за контроль.
- 00:13:07,780 --> 00:13:09,310 Наивно полагая, что это нечто сугубо личное,
- 00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:11,380 ты пытаешься скрыть эту частичку жизни
- 00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:13,790 от вселенной, но она всё равно заберёт своё.
- 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,250 Она забрала мою жену.
- 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,080 Наверняка и ты многое потерял.
- 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,360 Мы можем терпеть весь остаток жизни.
- 00:13:19,820 --> 00:13:21,190 А можем выбрать свободу и облегчить душу.
- 00:13:21,190 --> 00:13:23,280 Ты прав, Тони. Я устал терпеть.
- 00:13:23,650 --> 00:13:25,190 Пора облегчиться.
- 00:13:25,390 --> 00:13:26,390 Стой, ты серьезно сейчас...
- 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,590 Ооо, боже! Господь всемогущий!
- 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,540 - Где это я? - Привет, мышонок.
- 00:13:34,540 --> 00:13:37,200 Пчёлка моя! Я так скучал.
- 00:13:37,210 --> 00:13:38,740 Я всегда была рядом.
- 00:13:38,740 --> 00:13:40,480 Тогда ты в курсе. Вот уже несколько лет,
- 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,500 - как я начал увлекаться... - Порнухой со страпонами?
- 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:44,410 Да. Меня это заводило.
- 00:13:44,410 --> 00:13:46,350 - Пойдём. - Куда мы идём?
- 00:13:46,350 --> 00:13:47,780 - Какать. - Куда?
- 00:13:47,830 --> 00:13:50,010 Куда захочешь! В любое время!
- 00:13:50,070 --> 00:13:51,220 Боже мой!
- 00:13:51,220 --> 00:13:54,080 Меня звал? Я тут тоже наваливаю!
- 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,690 Идём, Тони, идём.
- 00:13:55,690 --> 00:13:58,230 Покакай со мной. Покакай со мной, Тони.
- 00:13:58,230 --> 00:13:59,120 Покакай со мной.
- 00:13:59,590 --> 00:14:01,100 Чего же ты ждёшь, тугосеря?
- 00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,900 Не составишь нам компанию, Тони?
- 00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:04,970 Посидим-попердим?
- 00:14:22,390 --> 00:14:23,390 Где мы? Чт-что это?!
- 00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:24,790 Хватит с тебя. Вылезай.
- 00:14:24,790 --> 00:14:26,120 Ты способен сгенерировать идеальную симуляцию
- 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:27,520 унитазного рая,
- 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:28,940 а пустить в свой толкан не можешь?
- 00:14:28,970 --> 00:14:30,330 Мои труды в это не впутывай.
- 00:14:30,330 --> 00:14:31,630 Это всё глобафлиновый химикат.
- 00:14:31,660 --> 00:14:33,400 Он соединяет в твоей башке твои хотелки
- 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,330 с твоими проделками.
- 00:14:35,330 --> 00:14:37,240 Если твой рай – это унитазы, виноват только ты.
- 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,750 - А все эти люди... - Живут в своих диких
- 00:14:39,780 --> 00:14:42,610 и бессмысленных мечтах и не докучают мне.
- 00:14:42,710 --> 00:14:45,810 Те, кого ты отказался убивать. И впускать в свою жизнь.
- 00:14:45,810 --> 00:14:48,890 Ты отказался от этого предложения, и вот твой последний шанс.
- 00:14:49,150 --> 00:14:49,910 Прощай.
- 00:14:49,940 --> 00:14:52,530 - Ещё раз мой унитаз тронешь, ты труп. - Тебе нужен друг.
- 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,230 Да у меня миллион друзей покруче тебя.
- 00:14:54,250 --> 00:14:55,690 - Ещё увидимся. - На твоих похоронах.
- 00:14:55,710 --> 00:14:57,210 - И станем друзьями. - Когда ты помрёшь.
- 00:14:57,710 --> 00:14:59,490 Так, мы пробиваемся к газопроводу,
- 00:14:59,490 --> 00:15:02,020 - прорываем его и устраиваем пожар. - Отлично. Хорошо.
- 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,360 Приключения Джерри и Морти, да, Морти?
- 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:05,560 - Давай пятак. - Пап, с-слушай,
- 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:06,890 к-к-какой нафиг пятак?
- 00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:09,160 Это... Это твоя вина, что мы тут встряли.
- 00:15:09,190 --> 00:15:10,780 Да, знаю, но всё же...
- 00:15:11,030 --> 00:15:13,240 - Приключения Джерри и Морти! - Ладно.
- 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,790 Джефф, я сейчас всё объясню.
- 00:15:35,790 --> 00:15:36,880 Ни слова больше!
- 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:38,920 Можно просто поменять невесту?
- 00:15:39,260 --> 00:15:41,270 - Джефф, остановись! - Ричард!
- 00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:43,800 Мэгги!
- 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,750 - Семенящий Орёл! - Ну что, поскакали?
- 00:15:46,870 --> 00:15:48,600 - Отец Уизерспун! - Иосия?
- 00:15:48,610 --> 00:15:50,530 Давай уже съебём отсюда.
- 00:15:51,670 --> 00:15:54,480 Саммер Смит, валим отсюда к чертям собачьим.
- 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:55,980 Имени было достаточно.
- 00:15:56,770 --> 00:15:58,450 Ой, нет, с чего бы это я...
- 00:15:59,630 --> 00:16:01,770 Саммер! Ну что за говно.
- 00:16:02,020 --> 00:16:03,950 Блин... Как здесь поворачивать?!
- 00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:08,490 Какого дьявола ты творишь?
- 00:16:08,490 --> 00:16:10,830 - Детей воспитываю. - Не так я свою воспитывал.
- 00:16:10,830 --> 00:16:12,360 Да? Ну и где же она сейчас?
- 00:16:12,650 --> 00:16:14,060 Эх, твоя правда...
- 00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:15,690 Она вступила в ИГИЛ.
- 00:16:18,650 --> 00:16:21,300 Это Глути. Он передумал
- 00:16:21,310 --> 00:16:22,700 и решил освободить нас!
- 00:16:22,710 --> 00:16:25,100 Вообще-то в наказание за то, что я вас сюда притащил,
- 00:16:25,130 --> 00:16:26,320 мне приказали казнить вас.
- 00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:27,910 Воу-воу-воу! Так.
- 00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:30,450 Разве твоя дама сердца захочет встречаться с палачом?
- 00:16:30,450 --> 00:16:32,110 Так вышло, что я сейчас ни с кем не встречаюсь.
- 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:35,350 Серьезно? Я думал, у вашего вида любовь на всю жизнь.
- 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:36,980 - Держи. - Нам запрещено пользоваться приложениями.
- 00:16:36,990 --> 00:16:38,460 Интересно, почему.
- 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,070 Да, так я и думал, Глути.
- 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,830 Похоже, у нас с тобой...
- 00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:44,790 ...никого нет.
- 00:16:47,950 --> 00:16:49,200 Больше я вам помогать не стану.
- 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,340 Но если найдете ангар,
- 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,130 хватайте корабль и тикайте отседова.
- 00:16:52,170 --> 00:16:53,260 Что ты задумал, Глути?
- 00:16:53,450 --> 00:16:56,540 У меня свидание с расставанием с приложухой для свиданий.
- 00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:58,420 Глути-ути-уууу!
- 00:16:58,540 --> 00:17:00,410 - Это у него такая фишка? - Неа.
- 00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:02,410 - Он никогда так не делал? - Нет. Это впервые.
- 00:17:02,410 --> 00:17:04,010 Пап, я хочу кое-что сказать.
- 00:17:04,010 --> 00:17:06,880 Сегодня утром мне было мучительно противно осознавать, что я твой сын.
- 00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:08,280 А потом я был уверен, что мы погибнем
- 00:17:08,290 --> 00:17:09,520 из-за того, какое ты чмо.
- 00:17:11,550 --> 00:17:13,070 - Больше ничего не добавишь? - Нет.
- 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,950 Кончай хуйню творить, идём уже!
- 00:17:16,490 --> 00:17:18,560 Тони на месте? Я-я-я принес ему, эм,
- 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,700 веганский чили, богатый клетчаткой, по семейному рецепту
- 00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:22,700 и коробку... эм... конфет без сахара. Он...
- 00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:24,370 Может съесть хоть все сразу...
- 00:17:24,370 --> 00:17:26,030 В общем... я просто хотел это занести, и...
- 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,700 передайте ему, что-то типа... сри на здоровье!
- 00:17:28,710 --> 00:17:29,980 Он-он поймет, о чём речь.
- 00:17:30,830 --> 00:17:32,010 Тони умер.
- 00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:35,440 - Прошу прощения? - Он ушёл с работы,
- 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,430 стал жить полной жизнью.
- 00:17:37,870 --> 00:17:39,050 Влетел на полной скорости в дерево,
- 00:17:39,050 --> 00:17:41,450 катаясь на космо-лыжах на Космо-Эвересте.
- 00:17:41,540 --> 00:17:42,480 Пиздец...
- 00:17:42,590 --> 00:17:44,520 Тут есть Космо-Эверест?!
- 00:17:45,390 --> 00:17:47,190 Так... Боже...
- 00:17:47,190 --> 00:17:49,520 Надо всё обдумать...
- 00:17:49,530 --> 00:17:50,860 Ой, не-не-не, не стоит это в рот класть.
- 00:17:50,860 --> 00:17:52,190 Если не хочешь, чтоб из тебя сквозило,
- 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,130 как в "Деревенщине из Бэверли Хилз".
- 00:17:54,130 --> 00:17:56,460 Сечешь? Чёрное золото буль-буль?
- 00:17:56,470 --> 00:17:58,530 - Не? - Не понимаю этих отсылок.
- 00:17:58,540 --> 00:18:00,230 Да, но у вас же есть Космо-Эверест?
- 00:18:00,260 --> 00:18:02,200 Посмотри "Деревенщину из Космо-Бэверли",
- 00:18:02,210 --> 00:18:04,740 чтоб шутейка дошла, манда с ушами.
- 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:21,910 Иии что теперь?
- 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,700 - Будем жить долго и счастливо. - А потом?
- 00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:27,010 Узнаем. Вместе.
- 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,960 Саммер, сколько суженых у тебя было за эту неделю?
- 00:18:29,970 --> 00:18:32,940 Четверо. Ты не помешаешь мне любить моих любимых, мама!
- 00:18:32,970 --> 00:18:34,240 А вот хуй там.
- 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,170 Я твоя мать, и буду тебя материнить, пока тебе не стукнет 18,
- 00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:39,080 даже если меня посадят за материнство по принуждению.
- 00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:41,290 И даже тогда я сбегу,
- 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,450 найду твой дом, выбью дверь
- 00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:46,380 и обматерю твою рожу об твою тупую жопу.
- 00:18:46,380 --> 00:18:48,450 Я раздочерю тебе все мозги, сучара.
- 00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:00,800 Мою ж мать!
- 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,000 Ты меня не упоминай всуе.
- 00:19:07,060 --> 00:19:08,400 Да! Ещё один суженый!
- 00:19:09,210 --> 00:19:10,300 Реклама?
- 00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:13,340 В пизду.
- 00:19:14,340 --> 00:19:15,940 - Реклама? - Чёёё? Они хотят, чтоб я за это платил?
- 00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:17,750 Фууу, реклама.
- 00:19:17,750 --> 00:19:19,730 Давай, Мам. Идём домой.
- 00:19:23,190 --> 00:19:24,820 Ну, вот, профукали Землю.
- 00:19:24,820 --> 00:19:28,180 Поступки не должны определять нас. А кроме нас нам ничего и не нужно.
- 00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:31,070 - Кроме нас... и воды. - У нас воды нет?
- 00:19:31,090 --> 00:19:32,690 Мусик, в этом был и весь смысл захвата Зем...
- 00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:34,630 Я знаю, зачем мы захватываем Землю!
- 00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:36,700 - Не разговаривай со мной, будто... - Будто я пить хочу?
- 00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:39,570 Будто я твоя мать, инфантильная ты козлина!
- 00:19:39,570 --> 00:19:40,960 Сколько воды ты уже нахлебал
- 00:19:40,990 --> 00:19:42,280 через эти ссаные трубки
- 00:19:42,310 --> 00:19:43,890 - в горбу?! - Нормальные трубки.
- 00:19:43,910 --> 00:19:44,960 Мы разводимся.
- 00:19:44,980 --> 00:19:48,310 Можешь жениться на стакане грёбаной воды!
- 00:19:49,530 --> 00:19:53,050 Слушай, эм, на случай, если ты вдруг пользовалась приложением,
- 00:19:53,050 --> 00:19:56,650 и где-то там тебя ждет твоя судьба... Я... эм...
- 00:19:56,650 --> 00:19:59,380 Джерри, я им не пользовалась. А ты...
- 00:19:59,450 --> 00:20:02,190 Я? Боже, конечно, нет.
- 00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:03,690 Что ж тогда всё путём, пёёс!
- 00:20:10,820 --> 00:20:13,130 Прив... Эй, слушай... Отец Тони... Привет...
- 00:20:13,140 --> 00:20:16,600 В-вот тебе 8 миллиардов местной валюты
- 00:20:16,610 --> 00:20:20,270 и набор, чтоб клонировать нового сына.
- 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,080 М-мозг у него будет другой,
- 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,880 типа, как у неандертальца. Но вы научите его всякому.
- 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,850 Т-т-также я изучил бесконечные вселенные.
- 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,390 В одной из них Тони был настоящим исчадием ада
- 00:20:30,410 --> 00:20:33,260 и устроил тотальный геноцид из-за того, что жил на полную катушку.
- 00:20:33,290 --> 00:20:37,210 Так что да... Не такая уж и потеря, если с такой стороны посмотреть.
- 00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:38,940 Я всё понимаю.
- 00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:42,360 Не легко терять друга.
- 00:20:42,370 --> 00:20:43,470 - На хуй иди! - Что?
- 00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:44,500 Он мне не друг.
- 00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:05,250 А вот и наш засранец.
- 00:21:05,250 --> 00:21:06,650 Прими поздравления, Тони!
- 00:21:06,660 --> 00:21:08,190 Хорошенько оторвись на этом дурацком унитазе,
- 00:21:08,190 --> 00:21:10,260 ведь он теперь весь в твоём распоряжении.
- 00:21:10,260 --> 00:21:12,390 Растопырь булки и кайфуй в полном одиночестве,
- 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,730 осознавая, что никто не хочет с тобой яшкаться
- 00:21:15,730 --> 00:21:17,000 из-за того, какой ты огромный кусок говнины.
- 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,600 Ну ты и расселся тут.
- 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,870 Король Дристун на троне одиночества.
- 00:21:20,870 --> 00:21:23,000 Наслаждайся тубзиком, в котором тысяча моих копий
- 00:21:23,010 --> 00:21:25,540 будет орать тебе в ухо под каждый твой бздёж.
- 00:21:25,540 --> 00:21:27,410 Да славится Его Величество,
- 00:21:27,410 --> 00:21:31,750 самый жа-а-алкий чмошник во всём космосе.
- 00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:35,020 Да здравствует Кал Великий
- 00:21:35,020 --> 00:21:37,900 каждый день-пердень на долгие века.
- 00:22:11,190 --> 00:22:13,650 Рик, это ты взял Табаско?
- 00:22:14,550 --> 00:22:16,530 Хм. Глобафлин?
- 00:22:19,470 --> 00:22:22,330 - Спасибо. Вы просто мой спаситель. - Не стоит.
- 00:22:22,330 --> 00:22:25,520 Благодаря вам я смогу пить воду целую неделю.
- 00:22:25,550 --> 00:22:27,600 Это моя работа, мэм.
- 00:22:29,780 --> 00:22:32,140 Канал 1-9, приём, Джерри Смит на связи.
- 00:22:32,170 --> 00:22:33,930 С первой доставкой всё,
- 00:22:33,950 --> 00:22:35,260 осталось ещё 9 сотен.
- 00:00:03,545 --> 00:00:04,962 [ Syrup bottle squelches ]
- 00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:06,047 We're out of syrup.
- 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:07,298 Huh. You know what?
- 00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:09,717 Maybe I'll use my intern.
- 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:12,136 -Glootie? -Good?
- 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:13,930 -Thanks, Glootie. -Anything else?
- 00:00:14,056 --> 00:00:15,348 Do you want to develop an app?
- 00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:17,058 -No thanks, Glootie. -Hey, what's up, Glootie?
- 00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:18,684 Hi, Morty. Do you want to develop an app?
- 00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,228 -No thanks. -Rick, why does it say,
- 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,271 "Do not develop my app," on your intern's forehead?
- 00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:23,564 Why, you want to develop one?
- 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:24,857 Ah, I'm glad you asked that, Jerry.
- 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:26,526 It's so <i>you</i> don't develop his app.
- 00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:28,528 Glootie, go make some photocopies of something.
- 00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:29,779 Cool.
- 00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:31,113 Well, if anyone wants to develop an app with me,
- 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:32,281 I'm down.
- 00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:34,867 He seems to <i>really</i> want to develop an app.
- 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:36,911 He really does, sweetie, but nobody's gonna do that.
- 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,454 Now, if you'll excuse me,
- 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,623 I've got a quick solo adventure to go on,
- 00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:43,292 and this one will <i>not</i> be directed by Ron Howard.
- 00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:44,293 He's gonna go poop.
- 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,003 When Grandpa Rick pats his belly like that
- 00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:47,588 and leaves without Morty, it means he's going to go poop.
- 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,632 He's a shy pooper. He has a secret pooping place.
- 00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:51,551 -RICK: Man, fuck you, Summer. -[ Door closes ]
- 00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:54,053 BETH: Honey, why can't you get this excited about your SATs?
- 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:56,973 Well, I'm man enough to simply say, "I'm going to poop,"
- 00:00:57,099 --> 00:00:59,642 and I'd be honored to have Ron Howard involved.
- 00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:00,851 BETH: Good job, hon.
- 00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,103 -Way to go, Dad. -We're rooting for ya.
- 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,647 [ Toilet flushes ]
- 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:07,984 He's really putting you to work, huh?
- 00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:09,318 Did you want to develop an app?
- 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:11,612 -I'll pass, Glootie. -Hmm, your loss.
- 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,322 Oh, yeah? Why's that?
- 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:14,782 Eh, it's an app you'd want to develop.
- 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,285 -Can I ask what it is? -Of course you can.
- 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,829 That's always the first step in app development.
- 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:23,457 Ah. [ Chuckles ]
- 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:24,917 50/50! Final offer!
- 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:28,045 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:55,656 [ Music stops ]
- 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:12,298 [ Soft music plays ]
- 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,813 [ Loon calls in distance ]
- 00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:36,906 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:37,948 ♪♪
- 00:02:38,075 --> 00:02:41,744 [ Device beeping ]
- 00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:44,372 [ Device buzzing ]
- 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:51,587 [ Device whirs, beeps ]
- 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:57,301 [ Grunting ]
- 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:04,684 [ Mechanisms whirring ]
- 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,363 [ Keyboard beeps ]
- 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:25,037 Reverse digestion extrapolation.
- 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,789 Time to meet your maker.
- 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,416 [ Cork pops ]
- 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,792 What are you guys doing?
- 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,252 Did you develop an app?
- 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,254 Rule number one in app development, son --
- 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:34,922 never follow the rules.
- 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:38,050 Except when the rule is tattooed on an alien's forehead, Dad.
- 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:39,510 Why do you think Rick would have that rule?
- 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,053 'Cause he's a disrupt-o-phobe.
- 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,513 No, Dad, no.
- 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,014 To keep something horrible from happening,
- 00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:46,058 something he's too lazy to explain.
- 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:47,727 Guys, we're getting our first users.
- 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,980 [ Cellphone beeping ]
- 00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:53,149 Whoa, this new app just matched me
- 00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:55,860 with a guy that is su my ty.
- 00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,945 Super my type. Learn to abbre.
- 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,196 Hey!
- 00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:01,949 Your su ty works at Jersey Mike's
- 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,160 and sees 25 Phish shows a year.
- 00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:06,579 -That is so Danny. -DANNY: Summer!
- 00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:08,205 -Danny? -Summer Smith?
- 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:10,791 Danny Publits from Lovefinderrz with two "R's" and a "Z"?
- 00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:13,294 I ran all the way here while staring at your profile.
- 00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:14,879 I tripped on a fire hydrant and fell down,
- 00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,922 so I'm covered in gravel that stuck to my sweat.
- 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:18,466 And even after a shower,
- 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,468 I'll still be into a jam band for old junkies,
- 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,678 but I think this world cares too much about bands
- 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,972 and too little about love.
- 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,433 -And I think I love you. -Me, too.
- 00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:29,769 Hi, I'm my underaged daughter's mother.
- 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,395 Nice to -- whoa!
- 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,689 -Come on. Just met. -[ Cellphone beeps ]
- 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,232 Uh, this isn't working.
- 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,567 -Wait. What are you -- -[ Cellphone beeps ]
- 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:37,860 -Never mind. -[ Cellphone beeps ]
- 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,821 I quit, I'm gay, and I love Xander.
- 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,783 Stupid phones are destroying us.
- 00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:45,409 Hey, sweetie.
- 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:47,578 BETH: <i>Honey, our daughter</i> <i>ran off with a Frisbee golfer</i>
- 00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,246 <i>because of some app</i> <i>with a really dumb,</i>
- 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:50,873 <i>really forgettable name.</i>
- 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:54,627 <i>Like a really dumb, uncreative,</i> <i>super sweaty name.</i>
- 00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:55,878 <i>Anyway, I'll be late.</i> <i>I love you.</i>
- 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,130 Got it. I love you, too.
- 00:04:58,256 --> 00:05:00,633 Okay, Glootie, take the app down.
- 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:03,260 Can't take it down. I'm just an intern.
- 00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:06,263 [ Yells, grunting ]
- 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,057 Uh, that's not how apps work.
- 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:09,809 Then make it how it works.
- 00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:12,728 This isn't how making things work works.
- 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:14,146 Get -- get it off the server.
- 00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:15,898 Y-You think we're stupid, but we're not.
- 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,942 We know apps have something to do with servers.
- 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,151 The server's on the mother ship.
- 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:20,277 Where's the mother ship?
- 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,737 -It's coming. -Take us to it.
- 00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,072 -No. -Yes.
- 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:24,532 Shake him more, Morty. That was working.
- 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:25,950 Take us to the mother ship.
- 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,118 -[ Beeping ] -[ Gasps ]
- 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:30,579 [ Chuckles ]
- 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,791 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:38,462 [ Beeping continues ]
- 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,381 Okay, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me.
- 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,424 JERRY: An ominous beeping app.
- 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,552 You can't stay made at a guy with this kind of talent.
- 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,512 Dad, you can, and you have to.
- 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,768 [ Display beeps ]
- 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,603 -Ribbit, ribbit. -Ribbit, ribbit.
- 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,480 -Hey, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit! -Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit!
- 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,524 Look at this guy. He wants to eat me so bad.
- 00:05:58,650 --> 00:05:59,859 You want to eat me, don't you?
- 00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:01,735 -Ribbit. -Just kidding. Have some drugs.
- 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,821 -Are you Vermigurber? -What does this guy want?
- 00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,739 -Who is this monkey? -I'm here about a sandwich.
- 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:06,991 -Oh, well you came to the right place...
- 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,158 -[ Guns cock ] -...'cause you're about to get
- 00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:09,535 a <i>bullet</i> sandwich
- 00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:12,246 on two slices of whole...gun.
- 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,832 -[ Cellphone ringing ] -You might want to get that.
- 00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:16,250 [ Ringing continues ]
- 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,751 Hello?
- 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,753 VOICE: <i>Dad, give the human</i> <i>whatever he wants.</i>
- 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,797 <i>He knows where I live.</i> <i>He's crazy!</i>
- 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:24,258 [ Chuckles ] You fucking idiot.
- 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,344 I have 800,000 kids.
- 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,305 Don't forget your voicemail.
- 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:33,809 AUTOMATED MALE VOICE: <i>You have 470,000 messages.</i>
- 00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:35,352 Oh, ah, that's half of them.
- 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,021 Okay, w-w-what do you want? What do you want?
- 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:40,399 Wait, this is seriously about sandwiches?
- 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,776 I thought this was about drugs or guns
- 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,820 or the fact that I'm a fly that runs a frog restaurant.
- 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,239 There's a million things that are interesting about me,
- 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:48,657 and none of them are sandwiches.
- 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:51,160 -Who ordered it? -Talk to our delivery drone.
- 00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:53,954 He -- he run off to fight in the robot wars.
- 00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:57,166 Hey, ape man, I hope this was worth
- 00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:59,084 making a whole swarm of enemies.
- 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:02,588 It will be when I find whoever shit in my toilet.
- 00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:05,674 Is that code for something? Someone look that up.
- 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,384 If that's drug slang, I need to know it.
- 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,094 [ Keys jingle, both chuckle ]
- 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,721 -[ Gasps ] -Ah!
- 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:13,641 -Mom, you can't stop true love. -Oh, yes, I can.
- 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,017 -You're assaulting me! -Keep your voice down.
- 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:16,435 I'm being assaulted!
- 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:17,811 Oh, yeah? Okay.
- 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,271 -Statutory rape! -Whoa.
- 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,522 My daughter's about to be raped!
- 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:21,815 No, I'm not! I'm being assaulted!
- 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,108 -Rape! -Assault!
- 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,277 -Rape! -Nobody cares. It's a motel.
- 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:27,029 Nobody's here because their life's going so great
- 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:28,864 they can afford to get mixed up in yours.
- 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,908 Deal with this shit on your own.
- 00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:32,660 You can't stop us from getting a motel room.
- 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:33,869 Fine. I'll get one, too.
- 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,621 I'm getting the one next door,
- 00:07:35,747 --> 00:07:37,122 and I'm putting a glass to the wall, and I'm listening.
- 00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:39,249 -Fine. Enjoy. -I will.
- 00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:42,127 -I'm Danny, by the way. -You had your chance, dick.
- 00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,049 Take your app down.
- 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,175 T-Take -- take it down.
- 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:49,677 -What? -I'm their hostage.
- 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,637 -Do they have weapons? -Nope, but neither do it.
- 00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:52,930 Do -- do <i>you</i> have a weapon?
- 00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,723 No.
- 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,350 -Take the app down. -Take the app down.
- 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,685 I can't. I'm an intern.
- 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,603 Okay, well who tells interns what to do?
- 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,188 Not you, that's for sure.
- 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:05,192 Take us to whoever does, or w-w-we'll -- we'll punch you.
- 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,276 Okay.
- 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,028 Not bad, Morty.
- 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,822 Yeah, I don't know when the other shoe's gonna drop,
- 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:12,116 but this is working pretty good so far.
- 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:15,411 Greetings. We are the Monogatrons.
- 00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:17,788 While your species was still toying with fire,
- 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,416 ours mastered the science of functioning,
- 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,042 committed relationships.
- 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,003 As the latest planet to develop our app,
- 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:28,632 you will now witness the true power of superior intimacy.
- 00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,259 Take the app down.
- 00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:32,845 Take it down, or...we'll -- we'll -- we'll punch you.
- 00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,222 Is there someone with a gun or --
- 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,348 It's on its way.
- 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,558 The app remains up.
- 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,143 So what's the evil plan?
- 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:41,103 Does there have to be an evil plan?
- 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,480 -Oh, uh, uh... -Uh, someone wanted a gun?
- 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:44,732 -I'll take it. Thanks. -[ Gun cocks ]
- 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,483 Here's the evil plan.
- 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:47,526 -Fuck! -Goddamn it.
- 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:49,445 As a preapp civilization,
- 00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:52,406 your love's value is defined by scarcity.
- 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,699 -[ Cellphone beeps ] -[ Breathing heavily ]
- 00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,367 You are highly trained to seek it,
- 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:59,455 and you have no idea how to maintain it.
- 00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,623 Had you bothered to master love,
- 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:05,169 you would've learned by now, it is as abundant as water.
- 00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,504 You know what isn't? Water.
- 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,506 That shit runs out.
- 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,759 So we'll be taking yours.
- 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,678 While your planet continues to dick around with a, uh --
- 00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,555 what is their version of it called?
- 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:18,766 Lovefinderrz, with two "R's" and a "Z."
- 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,601 -Oof. -Yeah, not my idea.
- 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,686 -Goddamn. -Am I interrupting?
- 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:26,231 -Impossible. Here she is. -Mwah.
- 00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:27,983 Your prisoners are getting away.
- 00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:29,735 Prisoners are just things.
- 00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:31,987 Connect with me. Tell me about your day.
- 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,489 I had an incredible meeting.
- 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:35,908 Did you know humans are 80% water?
- 00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,409 [ Chuckles ]
- 00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,411 And I found a new podcast we can listen to tonight.
- 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:40,454 Love it.
- 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,081 Okay, back to work.
- 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,666 Find and kill those earthlings.
- 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:47,795 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,132 We're outnumbered. There's no hope.
- 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,427 Then we go out in glory.
- 00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,221 Flesh intruder, prepare to die.
- 00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,139 Oh, hold on.
- 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,350 My apologies, Lieutenant Commander.
- 00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:03,352 No problem. At ease, Solider.
- 00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,524 Initiate Employee Evaluation Mode.
- 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:11,360 -Accessing delivery archive. -Okay, listen.
- 00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,320 You delivered an avian protein club sandwich
- 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,489 with no lettu-- Goddamn it.
- 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:25,582 ♪♪
- 00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:35,634 ♪♪
- 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,970 Oy, scoping for this bit, then?
- 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,012 [ Chuckles ]
- 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,265 Alright, a-a-alright. I know you want to have
- 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,975 the big guy/little guy fight, but --
- 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:45,352 -[ Gulps ] -Aw, are you fucking kidding me?
- 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,648 ALIEN NEWSCASTER: <i>Here at the Midland Quasar,</i>
- 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,316 <i>where, in a complete upset,</i>
- 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,068 <i>the Robolution has overturned</i> <i>the lizards.</i>
- 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:54,236 <i>It's totally unexpected.</i>
- 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:55,821 Uh, I understand, Mr. Phillips.
- 00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,698 Yes.
- 00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,492 I believe this is yours.
- 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,162 You, uh -- you dropped that.
- 00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:05,289 I'll have to call you back.
- 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,874 Where do you want to die?
- 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,334 Susan, is conference room three available?
- 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,546 Can I look at a photo of my wife while you kill me?
- 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,089 Sure, but I'm doing her a favor.
- 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,674 She either has terrible taste,
- 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,301 or she's trapped in a marriage to a toilet thief.
- 00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,219 She's dead.
- 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,054 And I don't mind joining her.
- 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:24,892 Life has been hollow since I lost her.
- 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,227 Using your toilet was nice, though.
- 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:30,439 I'm a bit of a shy pooper.
- 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,191 I'm ready when you are.
- 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,819 Stay there.
- 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:39,907 Tell him what you told me.
- 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,033 What is this? What's happening?
- 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:42,075 Tell him what you told me.
- 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,619 My wife's still alive.
- 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,579 Sh--sh--she went into remission 10 years ago.
- 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:46,705 And what did you do today?
- 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,123 Oh, I, uh, pooped
- 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,917 on a really awesome toilet I found --
- 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,586 oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, oh!
- 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,588 Don't use your dead wife as an excuse.
- 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,216 You shit on my toilet because you don't know your place,
- 00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,092 and your place is nothing.
- 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,761 So next time you stumble onto a toilet
- 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:04,348 that feels too good for your ass, trust me, it is.
- 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:05,390 You're not gonna kill me?
- 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:06,850 Don't tell me what to do!
- 00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:10,562 [ Pod beeps ]
- 00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:13,899 [ Pod beeps, makes farting noise ]
- 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:17,194 ♪ <i>Every time,</i> <i>they play this song</i> ♪
- 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,946 ♪ <i>She say, "This is my shit,</i> <i>my shit"</i> ♪
- 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,030 [ Belches ]
- 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,907 ♪ <i>See the flick of my wrist,</i> <i>of my wrist</i> ♪
- 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,242 ♪ <i>And I know</i> <i>she know what's up</i> ♪
- 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,285 ♪ <i>Baby, this is my shit,</i> <i>my shit</i> ♪
- 00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,411 [ Keyboard beeps ]
- 00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:28,330 ♪ <i>See the flick of my wrist,</i> <i>my wrist</i> ♪
- 00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:31,959 -[ Sirens blaring ] -Are you fucking kidding me?
- 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:35,003 ♪ <i>When you in my section,</i> <i>fill it up when my cup empty</i> ♪
- 00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,630 ♪ <i>I can't fuck with rats</i> ♪
- 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,258 ♪ <i>That's a fact,</i> <i>that's a dub nigga</i> ♪
- 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,470 [ Rumbling ]
- 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,180 -[ Grunts ] -[ Gasps ]
- 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,140 Oh, so you <i>like</i> being alive?
- 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,976 So why the fuck are you back here?
- 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,894 After you left, I thought about what you said
- 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,479 and how much I needed to hear it,
- 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,398 but then I thought about <i>why</i> you were saying it,
- 00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:56,024 who you were really saying it to.
- 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:57,734 You need the same thing I needed, Rick.
- 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,404 You need someone to give you, [grunts] permission to live.
- 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,155 -[ Water splashes ] -What the...?
- 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,907 I thought you were a shy pooper.
- 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,659 You know what shy pooping is, Rick?
- 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,536 It's a pointless bid for control.
- 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,121 You want to take the one part of life
- 00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:11,206 that you truly think is yours, and you want to protect it
- 00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,750 from a universe that takes whatever it wants.
- 00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,502 It took my wife.
- 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,587 It clearly took something from you.
- 00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,256 We can spend our lives fighting that,
- 00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,966 or we can choose to be free.
- 00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:23,468 You're right, Tony. I'm done fighting.
- 00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:24,970 Time to be free.
- 00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:26,054 Oh, wait, you're actually gonna --
- 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,306 Oh, God! Oh, God!
- 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,309 -[ Thud! ] -[ Loon calls in distance ]
- 00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:34,438 -Where am I? -TONY'S WIFE: Hi, little mouse.
- 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,982 Baby bee? I missed you so much.
- 00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:38,525 I never really left you.
- 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,360 Then you know that a few years ago
- 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,321 -I started getting into -- -Strap-on porn?
- 00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,239 Yes. I thought it was hot.
- 00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:46,199 -Now, come on. -Where are you going?
- 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,576 -To poop. -Where?
- 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:49,828 Wherever you want, forever.
- 00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:50,954 My God.
- 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:54,207 You rang? I'm pooping, too.
- 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,667 Come, Tony. Come on.
- 00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:58,003 Come poop with me. Poop with me, Tony.
- 00:13:58,129 --> 00:13:59,379 Poop with me.
- 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:00,756 GOD: What are you waiting for?
- 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,758 Aren't you gonna join us, Tony?
- 00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:05,177 Aren't you gonna join us in the pooping?
- 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,226 [ Alarm blaring ]
- 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:17,105 [ Grunting ]
- 00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,194 [ Coughing ]
- 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:23,236 Where are we? What is this?
- 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,571 That's it. Get out.
- 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,906 You can make a perfectly-realized,
- 00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,407 toilet-filled simulation of heaven,
- 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,742 but you can't share a toilet?
- 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,077 Don't insult my craft.
- 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,661 The chemical is Globaflyn.
- 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,205 It connects the whatever-you-want section
- 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,082 of your brain to the whatever-you-have section.
- 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,584 If your heaven is toilets, that's on you.
- 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,086 All of these people...
- 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,796 Are living their wildest, meaningless dreams
- 00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,631 and leaving me out of them.
- 00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:45,592 People you refuse to kill and refuse to let into your life.
- 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:49,054 An offer you rejected, so here's your last chance.
- 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:51,431 Goodbye forever. If you touch my toilet again, you die.
- 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:52,808 You need a friend.
- 00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,101 I have a million cooler friends than you.
- 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,602 -I'll be seeing you. -You'll be dying.
- 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,813 -We're gonna be friends. -You're gonna be dead.
- 00:14:57,939 --> 00:14:59,314 JERRY: So, we fight our way to the gas line,
- 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,816 we cut it, and then we set a fire.
- 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:02,317 Okay. Alright.
- 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:04,111 Morty, "Adventures of Jerry and Morty," huh?
- 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,487 -Put her there. -Dad, look, y-you know,
- 00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,655 w-we don't need to high-five.
- 00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:07,906 It's -- it's kind of your fault
- 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,032 that we're in this situation at all.
- 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,784 I know, but, you know, come on.
- 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,244 "Adventures of Jerry and Morty."
- 00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:14,454 Okay.
- 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,540 [ Guns cock ]
- 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,051 Mwah.
- 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,517 Jeff, I can explain everything.
- 00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:36,726 You don't have to.
- 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,020 Can you just marry <i>us</i> instead?
- 00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:40,147 Jeff, don't do it!
- 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,232 Richard.
- 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,608 -[ Horse whinnies ] -Maggie.
- 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,653 -Running Bird. -Let's get out of here.
- 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,488 -Priest Witherspoon. -Josiah?
- 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,408 Let's get the fuck out of here.
- 00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:54,327 Summer Smith, let's get the hell out of here.
- 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,538 You had me at my own name.
- 00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:59,374 Oh, yeah, no. Why would I...?
- 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,667 Summer!
- 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:01,835 Fucking thing.
- 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,129 Come on. I can't steer this.
- 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,341 What in the hell are you doing?
- 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,635 -Parenting. -That's not how I did it.
- 00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:12,387 Yeah, where's <i>your</i> daughter?
- 00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,055 Ah, you're right.
- 00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:15,807 She joined ISIS.
- 00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,979 It's Glootie, and he's had a change of heart.
- 00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,606 And he's going to set us free.
- 00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,858 Actually, he's been blamed for bringing you aboard
- 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,109 and assigned to execute you.
- 00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:27,736 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.
- 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:30,197 What would your girlfriend think of you murdering?
- 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,073 I happen to be between relationships right now.
- 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,242 Really? I thought your species had perfected relationships.
- 00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:35,494 Here.
- 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:36,870 We're not allowed to use those apps.
- 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,247 -I wonder why. -[ Cellphone beeps ]
- 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,124 Yeah, that's what I thought, Glootie.
- 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:42,918 -Looks like you and I... -[ Cellphone beeps ]
- 00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:44,544 ...are all we've got.
- 00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:48,882 I'm not helping you any more than that,
- 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,342 but if you can find the hangar,
- 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:51,885 grab a ship and get the hell out of here.
- 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,345 Where you going, Glootie?
- 00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:56,348 I've got a date with dumping a dating app.
- 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,350 Glootie-ootie-ooh!
- 00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,143 -Was that ever his thing? -No.
- 00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:02,145 -He never exited that way. -No, first time.
- 00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:03,813 Dad, I want to say something.
- 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:06,691 I started today disgusted and embarrassed to be your son,
- 00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:08,068 and then later I thought we were gonna die
- 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,861 because you're a loser.
- 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,822 -There's no more, is there? -Nope.
- 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:14,991 Now quit fucking up, and let's go.
- 00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,411 Is Tony here? I br-- I brought him some, uh,
- 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,622 Vegan Fiber Chili, delicious family recipe,
- 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:22,582 and a box of these, uh, chocolates, sugar free.
- 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,125 He can eat as many of these as he wants.
- 00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,919 Anyways, uh, just wanted to drop these off,
- 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,588 and you tell him, uh, the toilet's all his.
- 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,048 H-He -- he'll know what I mean.
- 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:31,841 [ Sighs ] Tony died.
- 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,178 -Excuse me? -He quit his job,
- 00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,639 starting living life to the fullest.
- 00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:38,848 He crashed into a tree
- 00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:41,226 space-skiing down Mount Space Everest.
- 00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:42,435 Fuck.
- 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,188 There's a Mount Space Everest?
- 00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:46,773 Okay. Uh, Jesus.
- 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:49,276 I-I got to process this.
- 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,569 Oh, no, no. You -- you don't want to eat that.
- 00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,028 Y-y-you'll -- you'll -- you'll become
- 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:53,989 the opening of "The Beverly Hillbillies."
- 00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:56,199 You know what I'm saying? A little bubbling crude?
- 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,368 -Texas tea? -I don't know these references.
- 00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,036 Yeah, but you have a Space Everest?
- 00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:02,038 Watch "Space Beverly Hillbilllies"
- 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:05,000 so my jokes can land, you fucking twat.
- 00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,428 [ Cellphone beeps ]
- 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,058 Now what?
- 00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:23,476 Happily ever after.
- 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:24,853 And after that?
- 00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:26,771 We'll find out together.
- 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:27,981 Summer [scoffs]
- 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,816 how many soul mates is that in the last week?
- 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,652 Four. You can't stop me from loving who I love, Mom.
- 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:34,195 Oh, the shit I can't.
- 00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,031 I'm gonna mother you until your 18th birthday,
- 00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,992 even if I get thrown in prison for non-consensual mothering.
- 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,119 And even then, I will break out,
- 00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:43,371 come to your house, kick down your door,
- 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:46,166 and mother your fucking face out of your stupid asshole.
- 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,209 I'm gonna daughter your brains out, bitch.
- 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,712 [ Both grunting ]
- 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:59,387 ♪♪
- 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:00,680 Motherfucker!
- 00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:02,849 That's my name. Don't wear it out.
- 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,684 [ Both grunt ]
- 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,394 -[ Cellphone beeps ] -[ Grunts ]
- 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,980 Gimme dat new soul mate.
- 00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,566 Ad wall?
- 00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:14,027 -Fuck this. -[ Cellphone bloops ]
- 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,195 -Ad wall?
- 00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:16,321 What, they want us to pay for it now?
- 00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:17,405 [ Cellphones blooping ]
- 00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:20,158 Come on, Mom. Let's go home.
- 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,952 [ Display blooping ]
- 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:24,704 Great. We lost Earth.
- 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,957 We aren't defined by what we do, and we only need each other.
- 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,834 Each other -- and water.
- 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,169 There's no water?
- 00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:32,545 Honey, the whole point of conquering Earth --
- 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,381 I know the point of conquering Earth.
- 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,549 -Don't talk to me like -- -Like I'm thirsty?
- 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,344 Like I'm your mother, you childish prick.
- 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:40,929 How much water are you sucking
- 00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:42,681 through these stupid fucking tubes on your back?
- 00:19:42,807 --> 00:19:44,849 These tubes are cool, and I want a divorce.
- 00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:49,187 You can have one for a glass of Goddamn water.
- 00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:52,857 Look, uh, on the off-chance that you used the app
- 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:56,486 and there's someone out there waiting for you, I, uh --
- 00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:59,447 Jerry, I didn't use it. Did you?
- 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,950 Me? No. God, of course not.
- 00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:03,868 Well, then, we're all good, dawg.
- 00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:12,919 Hey, uh -- Hey, uh, Tony's dad,
- 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:16,381 uh, th-this is, um, $8 billion in your local currency,
- 00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:20,135 and, uh, this is a kit you can use to clone a new son.
- 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:21,886 He -- he won't have the same brain.
- 00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:24,764 He'll kind of be an animal man, but you can teach him stuff.
- 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,057 I-I-I also wanted to let you know
- 00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:27,684 I did explore infinite universes,
- 00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:30,186 and there is a version of Tony that was completely evil
- 00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:31,730 and ended up causing a lot of genocide
- 00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:33,314 because of how fulfilled he was.
- 00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:35,108 So, really, a lot of ways of looking at this
- 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,527 as not much of a loss.
- 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,154 I understand.
- 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,990 It's, uh, hard losing a friend.
- 00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:43,241 -Fuck you. -What?
- 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,076 RICK: He's not my friend.
- 00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:48,204 [ Soft music plays ]
- 00:20:57,673 --> 00:21:00,884 [ Sighs ]
- 00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:03,386 [ Mechanisms whirring ]
- 00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:05,138 <i>There he is.</i> <i>There's our guy.</i>
- 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,389 -[ <i>Cheers and applause</i> ] <i>-Congrats, Tony.</i>
- 00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,974 <i>Have fun</i> <i>with your stupid toilet</i>
- 00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:10,059 <i>that you get to use</i> <i>all by yourself now.</i>
- 00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:12,228 <i>Enjoy using it all by yourself</i> <i>while you sit there</i>
- 00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,063 <i>and think about how nobody</i> <i>wants to be around you</i>
- 00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:15,565 <i>and how you ruined it</i> <i>for yourself</i>
- 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:16,900 <i>because you're</i> <i>a huge piece of shit.</i>
- 00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:18,359 <i>Look at you sitting there,</i>
- 00:21:18,486 --> 00:21:20,695 <i>King Shit on his throne</i> <i>of loneliness.</i>
- 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,906 <i>Enjoy this toilet with</i> <i>a thousand of me</i>
- 00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:25,241 <i>screaming every time</i> <i>you take a shit.</i>
- 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,243 <i>All hail his majesty,</i>
- 00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:31,581 <i>the sa-a-ddest piece of garbage</i> <i>in the entire cosmos.</i>
- 00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:34,751 <i>Long live the big, bad,</i> <i>doo-doo daddy.</i>
- 00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:38,004 <i>May his reign last</i> <i>1,000 years.</i>
- 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,132 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:14,332 Rick, did you take the Tapatío?
- 00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,459 Hmm, Globaflyn?
- 00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:18,753 [ Gulps ]
- 00:22:18,879 --> 00:22:20,672 Thanks. I could never lift it up.
- 00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:22,298 No problem.
- 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:25,343 I'll be able to drink water for weeks because of you.
- 00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:27,595 It's just part of my job, ma'am.
- 00:22:29,849 --> 00:22:31,683 Breaker one nine, this is Jerry Smith.
- 00:22:31,809 --> 00:22:33,893 Uh, just finished my first delivery of the day.
- 00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:35,228 900 more to go.
- 00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,940 [ Gulping ]