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Срань будущего: Прикзрак в мортпехах
Рик берёт Морти в путешествие на Форбодулон Прайм, чтобы собрать «кристаллы смерти» — кристаллическое вещество, которое позволяет человеку предвидеть его различные возможные смерти. Когда Морти держит кристалл, он представляет себе обычную смерть старика, которого утешает его давняя любовь — Джессика. Будучи преисполнен решимости воплотить это будущее в реальность, Морти следует видениям кристалла, чтобы направлять его на каждом этапе пути, и берёт на себя управление кораблём по пути домой. Это приводит к катастрофе, в которой умирает Рик, после чего появляется голографическая проекция Рика и инструктирует Морти, как вернуть его к жизни, используя ДНК из его трупа. Увидев через кристалл, что воскрешение Рика приведёт его к худшей смерти, Морти отказывается продолжать процесс и уходит домой один. В то время как Голографический Рик изводит Морти, чтобы тот бросил кристалл и воскресил Рика, сознание Рика перемещается в клоны нескольких различных фашистских реальностей, заканчиваясь Осой Риком, который помогает ему вернуться домой и превратить его обратно в человека (неизвестными способами). Между тем, Морти всё больше увлекается руководством кристалла, слепо подчиняясь его подсказкам, украсть оружие из арсенала Рика и продолжать убийства. Он позволяет схватить себя, но избегает наказания, произнося предсмертные слова мужа судьи. Рик и Оса Рик узнают о действиях Морти от Голографического Рика. Три Рика следуют за Морти, который с помощью феррожидкости превратился в чудовищную мерзость. Когда Морти спасают, Голографический Рик ассимилируется с жидкостью и пытается уничтожить оставшихся Риков и Морти, но его жалит и убивает Оса Рик. По прибытии домой Джерри и Бет отчитывают Рика за то, что тот превратил Морти в «Акиру», но Морти защищает его и берёт на себя полную ответственность за его действия. Рик и Морти соглашаются убрать разногласия в своих приключениях монологом. В сцене после титров Морти подслушивает, как Джессика представляет себе свою будущую карьеру в качестве работника больницы, и понимает, что неверно истолковал видения кристалла. Когда Рик выходит из портала и просит Морти о помощи в другом приключении, Морти немедленно соглашается, к большому удивлению Рика.
- 00:00:02,575 --> 00:00:04,546 Морти снова залип в инстаграме Джессики.
- 00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:05,683 Отвали, коза!
- 00:00:05,683 --> 00:00:06,955 Морти, а чего ты стесняешься?
- 00:00:06,955 --> 00:00:08,821 Поделись с семьёй, это может быть полезно.
- 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,020 Саммер, не смущай своего брата.
- 00:00:10,020 --> 00:00:12,492 Морти, завязывай с извращенским киберсталкингом.
- 00:00:12,492 --> 00:00:14,160 Я не извращенец!
- 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:17,027 Я-я-я просто хотел узнать, откуда у неё эта подвеска.
- 00:00:17,340 --> 00:00:18,227 И теперь я знаю.
- 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:20,302 Э-э-э-это ей бабуля оставила.
- 00:00:20,510 --> 00:00:21,772 Какой-то ты тихий, Рик.
- 00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:24,045 Почему не доказываешь, что бабуль не существует?
- 00:00:24,045 --> 00:00:27,183 Привет. Я поместил в свой мозг чип с автоответчиком,
- 00:00:27,183 --> 00:00:29,311 чтобы провести время с семьёй.
- 00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:31,917 Но ты и так проводишь время с семьёй.
- 00:00:31,917 --> 00:00:33,116 Спасибо за разговор с Риком.
- 00:00:33,940 --> 00:00:35,588 Ладушки, с завтраком
- 00:00:35,588 --> 00:00:37,392 и вишлистом на Амазоне я закончил. Погнали, Морти.
- 00:00:37,392 --> 00:00:39,727 Мне нужны кристаллы смерти с Форбодулона Прайм.
- 00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:44,263 Пап. Теперь мы всё делаем иначе.
- 00:00:44,576 --> 00:00:47,600 Морти, пожалуйста, слетай со мной
- 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,405 на Форбодулон Прайм за кристаллами смерти.
- 00:00:50,405 --> 00:00:54,565 Спасибо за приглашение. Да, с радостью.
- 00:00:55,608 --> 00:00:57,078 Секси-фотка.
- 00:00:57,078 --> 00:00:59,476 По-моему, скорбь придаёт тебе румянец.
- 00:00:59,997 --> 00:01:01,478 Пап, ты себе мало сиропа налил.
- 00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:03,219 Милая, перестань повышать уровень холестерола у отца,
- 00:01:03,219 --> 00:01:04,888 чтобы сделать секси-селфи на его похоронах.
- 00:01:04,888 --> 00:01:06,681 Мне вообще ничего нельзя.
- 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:41,560 Эм, Рик, может, немного...
- 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,957 Быстрее? Отличная мысль, Морти.
- 00:01:42,957 --> 00:01:45,699 Мигом пролетим через эти астероиды.
- 00:01:52,467 --> 00:01:54,938 Блинский, неужели тебя так бесит, что мама заботится
- 00:01:54,938 --> 00:01:56,335 о моём желании быть частью приключений?
- 00:01:56,335 --> 00:01:58,003 Что дальше, Морти? А если я захочу, чтобы ты спрыгнул
- 00:01:58,003 --> 00:01:59,807 с Эмпайр-стейт-билдинг? Мне тоже надо попросить?
- 00:01:59,839 --> 00:02:00,402 Да?
- 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:02,873 Ты правда не видишь, что это скользкая дорожка?
- 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:05,282 Заткнись и помоги мне, пожалуйста.
- 00:02:05,282 --> 00:02:06,741 Почему их называют кристаллами смерти?
- 00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:08,013 О-они убивают?
- 00:02:08,013 --> 00:02:09,484 Нет, это делают пули, Морти.
- 00:02:09,484 --> 00:02:12,351 Кристаллы смерти показывают, как ты умрёшь.
- 00:02:15,625 --> 00:02:18,493 Господи Боже! Я-я умру миллион раз?
- 00:02:18,493 --> 00:02:20,422 Твоё будущее вытекает из твоего настоящего,
- 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,632 которое постоянно меняется, если живёшь правильно.
- 00:02:22,632 --> 00:02:24,832 Все, кто в курсе своей будущей смерти, -
- 00:02:24,832 --> 00:02:27,032 либо сраные зануды, либо без пяти минут покойники.
- 00:02:27,032 --> 00:02:28,127 Пригнись!
- 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,902 - Кто это такие?! - Кристальные браконьеры.
- 00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:33,372 Низшая форма жизни их низших.
- 00:02:33,372 --> 00:02:35,979 Они думают, что вся галактика – это их личная свинка-копилка.
- 00:02:35,979 --> 00:02:37,710 Погоди, а кто тогда мы?
- 00:02:37,710 --> 00:02:38,982 Мы – Рик и Морти.
- 00:02:38,982 --> 00:02:41,776 И сейчас ты увидишь единственную пользу от этих кристаллов.
- 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:43,851 Они показывают, когда эти ребята перезаряжаются.
- 00:02:43,851 --> 00:02:47,855 Верная смерть, верная смерть, верная смерть, сомнительная смерть.
- 00:02:50,910 --> 00:02:53,194 И верная смерть, верная смерть, верная смерть.
- 00:02:53,194 --> 00:02:54,727 Меня точно подстрелит этот парень.
- 00:02:54,727 --> 00:02:57,334 Вот она, моя судьба, и я ничего не могу сделать.
- 00:02:57,334 --> 00:02:58,877 Ну, может, не совсем.
- 00:02:59,502 --> 00:03:01,484 Помоги мне собрать их.
- 00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:09,356 Ты пользуешься ими, только чтобы побеждать?
- 00:03:09,377 --> 00:03:10,075 Я ими не пользуюсь.
- 00:03:10,075 --> 00:03:12,609 Люди, которые всю жизнь пытаются избежать смерти, уже мертвы.
- 00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:16,019 А ещё они богаты, и я люблю жить на их деньги.
- 00:03:16,019 --> 00:03:17,354 - О Господи. - <i>Морти!</i>
- 00:03:17,354 --> 00:03:19,950 Джессика!
- 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,285 Я люблю тебя.
- 00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:23,151 Оу! Ох! Ух!
- 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,226 <i>Морти.</i>
- 00:03:25,226 --> 00:03:26,561 <i>Я люблю тебя.</i>
- 00:03:26,561 --> 00:03:29,449 Джессика. Я хочу умереть с Джессикой.
- 00:03:38,239 --> 00:03:39,042 Что ты делаешь?
- 00:03:39,042 --> 00:03:41,440 - Эм, м-можно я поведу? - Зачем?
- 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,047 Ну... ощущение свободной дороги?
- 00:03:44,047 --> 00:03:45,913 Ладно! Чей это внук?
- 00:03:45,913 --> 00:03:47,623 Мне нравится его стиль.
- 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,512 Морти, ты в курсе, что открытый космос наверху?
- 00:03:50,512 --> 00:03:54,120 Да, да, я просто... следую инстинктам.
- 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:55,788 - Может полетишь наверх? - Нет!
- 00:03:55,788 --> 00:03:57,852 - Из-за тебя я неправильно умру! - Минуточку. Что?
- 00:03:57,863 --> 00:03:59,656 Морти, у тебя что, кристалл смерти в кармане?
- 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,189 - Нет! Возможно! - Вот мразота мелкая!
- 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,399 Я-то думал, ты письку дрочишь!
- 00:04:02,399 --> 00:04:03,462 И тебя это не смутило?!
- 00:04:03,462 --> 00:04:05,652 - То есть мне надо было сказать?! - Зачем мне вообще это делать?
- 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:06,861 Зачем ты спёр кристалл смерти?
- 00:04:07,070 --> 00:04:09,197 - Я хочу умереть стариком! - Тогда хватит рулить!
- 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:10,198 - Нет! - Сукин ты сын!
- 00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:11,668 Дай сюда штурвал, Морти!
- 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:12,784 Чёрт тебя дери.
- 00:04:22,419 --> 00:04:24,306 Вот говно.
- 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,881 Сука, сука, сука, сука.
- 00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:29,488 <i>Я люблю тебя, Морти.</i>
- 00:04:29,488 --> 00:04:32,304 Я отомщу за свою смерть!
- 00:04:32,304 --> 00:04:33,763 - Бляха-муха! - Шучу.
- 00:04:33,763 --> 00:04:35,890 Я голограмма для выхода из кризисных ситуаций,
- 00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:39,227 воспроизводимая чипом, который "настоящий" Рик вживил тебе в позвоночник.
- 00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:42,366 "Настоящий" в кавычках, потому что называть существ из плоти
- 00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:43,836 "настоящими" - это натуральная голо-фобия.
- 00:04:43,836 --> 00:04:46,443 Морти, позволь тебя дёрнуть... Только без каламбуров.
- 00:04:46,443 --> 00:04:48,372 Найди в багажнике пушку с синей ручкой
- 00:04:48,372 --> 00:04:50,864 и возьми у трупа образец ткани.
- 00:04:53,314 --> 00:04:54,711 Так, а теперь отнеси это в багажник
- 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,579 и вставь в компилятор клонов.
- 00:04:58,726 --> 00:05:00,999 Вижу, у тебя кристалл смерти,
- 00:05:00,999 --> 00:05:03,126 который движет твоими решениями сильнее, чем я.
- 00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,284 Это твоё право. Я просто напомню,
- 00:05:05,284 --> 00:05:06,890 что некоторые из нас не могут держать в руках вещи
- 00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:10,091 и не могут умереть, так что это малость оскорбительно к...
- 00:05:10,196 --> 00:05:11,582 Оу, лады.
- 00:05:14,085 --> 00:05:16,066 Слушай, Морти, я запрограммирован на терпимость.
- 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,870 Я приму тот факт, что ты это делаешь,
- 00:05:17,870 --> 00:05:20,372 если ты примешь тот факт, что тебе надо остановиться.
- 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,608 Применение. Перенаправленных.
- 00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:31,217 Резервных. Данных. Операция. Феникс. Запущена.
- 00:05:32,895 --> 00:05:36,097 Какого чёрта? Я же удалил этот протокол.
- 00:05:37,243 --> 00:05:39,892 - Что ты делаешь с моим клоном? - Не боись. Я это ты.
- 00:05:39,892 --> 00:05:42,426 Пару сезонов назад я отключил свои капсулы с клонами,
- 00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:45,095 и похоже, резервные данные перенаправились в твою вселенную.
- 00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:47,368 - Извини. - Всё нормуль. Буду рад помочь.
- 00:05:47,368 --> 00:05:49,568 Кстати, даже спрашивать неудобно, но...
- 00:05:49,568 --> 00:05:53,635 ты ведь поддерживаешь фашистскую антиутопию?
- 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:59,245 Д-Д-Д-Д-Да.
- 00:05:59,245 --> 00:06:00,777 В этом твоём "да"...
- 00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:03,051 ...какая-то либеральная буква "Д" получилась.
- 00:06:03,051 --> 00:06:05,115 Разве это не странно?
- 00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,659 Полагаю, подобная странность и делает Рика и Морти...
- 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:08,785 ...сильнее.
- 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,923 Морти, я поймал этого социалиста в свой халат.
- 00:06:10,923 --> 00:06:12,529 Он хочет отдать наши мартини
- 00:06:12,529 --> 00:06:13,728 семье иммигрантов.
- 00:06:13,728 --> 00:06:15,261 Очевидно, что самозванцем может быть
- 00:06:15,261 --> 00:06:17,461 - только голый и мокрый клон. - Это очевидно.
- 00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:19,265 Только не для полиции.
- 00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:21,131 Лады.
- 00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:23,404 Этот Рик маловажен. Он вдарился в политику.
- 00:06:23,404 --> 00:06:25,740 А я хочу весёлое классическое приключение Рика и Морти,
- 00:06:25,740 --> 00:06:26,876 как в старые добрые.
- 00:06:26,876 --> 00:06:29,004 Тогда мы с тобой поладим, Фашист Морти.
- 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,412 Для начала мне нужно попасть на Форбодулон Прайм.
- 00:06:31,412 --> 00:06:33,550 Ты полетишь туда, куда я скажу!!
- 00:06:33,571 --> 00:06:34,822 Сука!
- 00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:37,814 Эй, эй! Ой, ой!
- 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:40,150 Отказ Морти клонировать деда - долой!
- 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,620 Эй, эй! Ой, ой!
- 00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:43,560 Отказ Морти клонировать деда - долой!
- 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:45,895 Если не отвалишь от меня, то я смою ДНК Рика в унитаз.
- 00:06:45,895 --> 00:06:48,544 Так, ладно, надо перегруппироваться.
- 00:06:49,274 --> 00:06:50,567 Ты тоже, Легалайз!
- 00:06:50,567 --> 00:06:51,630 Соберись.
- 00:06:51,630 --> 00:06:53,434 Хотя бы расскажи, что это за смерть такая,
- 00:06:53,434 --> 00:06:55,238 к который ты так...
- 00:06:55,447 --> 00:06:57,251 О, Джессика.
- 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,839 <i>Морти, я люблю...</i>
- 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:05,665 Что?! Нет, нет! Нет, нет, нет!
- 00:07:07,021 --> 00:07:08,178 <i>Я люблю тебя.</i>
- 00:07:08,491 --> 00:07:09,263 Твою налево!
- 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,515 И как же я умру вместе с ней, если даже не могу за-говорить?
- 00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:13,183 Есть идея, Морти. Выброси эту штуку,
- 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,321 перестань планировать свою смерть и говори с кем захочешь.
- 00:07:15,321 --> 00:07:16,655 Ты говоришь, как настоящий Рик.
- 00:07:16,655 --> 00:07:17,990 Ты выше таких словечек, Морти.
- 00:07:17,990 --> 00:07:20,065 Хрена лысого я выше.
- 00:07:23,548 --> 00:07:24,799 Ну... Эм... Ч-что будем делать?
- 00:07:24,799 --> 00:07:27,531 Хватит задавать вопросы. Хватит делать мета-отсылки.
- 00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:28,803 Просто веселись.
- 00:07:28,803 --> 00:07:30,941 Впереди простенькое и весёлое классическое приключение.
- 00:07:30,941 --> 00:07:32,536 Ладно, знаешь что? Мне бы не помешало узнать,
- 00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:35,998 чего конкретно ты хочешь.
- 00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:37,614 Мне нравятся мистеры Мисиксы.
- 00:07:37,614 --> 00:07:39,345 Вот, другой разговор. Знаешь,
- 00:07:39,345 --> 00:07:41,618 обычно коробка с Мисиксами лежит у меня в бардачке,
- 00:07:41,618 --> 00:07:44,016 так может и у Фашиста Рика тоже?
- 00:07:44,016 --> 00:07:45,622 Ох! Вы только гляньте.
- 00:07:45,622 --> 00:07:48,156 Теперь мы делаем то, что уже делали раньше.
- 00:07:48,156 --> 00:07:49,688 Я Мистер Мисикс!
- 00:07:49,688 --> 00:07:51,096 Убей нацистского подонка!
- 00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:52,556 Это я могу!
- 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,558 - Иди сюда, сукин ты сын! - Нет! Стой!
- 00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:04,432 Применение. Перенаправленных.
- 00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:09,312 Резервных. Данных. Операция. Феникс. Запущена.
- 00:08:11,179 --> 00:08:12,878 Ой, да ну нафиг.
- 00:08:13,921 --> 00:08:16,444 - Эй, ты в порядке? - Ага, сорян.
- 00:08:16,455 --> 00:08:17,852 Я Рик из другой реальности.
- 00:08:17,852 --> 00:08:19,718 Меня загрузило в твою капсулу клонов.
- 00:08:19,718 --> 00:08:21,856 Эй, да не парься. У меня их штук десять.
- 00:08:21,856 --> 00:08:23,191 К-к-к-какого чёрта, Рик?
- 00:08:23,191 --> 00:08:24,796 Ты что, клонов тут делаешь?
- 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:27,528 - Убирайся отсюда, Морти! - Хватит задавать тупые вопросы, Морти!
- 00:08:27,528 --> 00:08:28,592 Ведёшь себя, как говна кусок!
- 00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,645 Вот блин.
- 00:08:30,062 --> 00:08:31,866 Лан, давай, чувак, не стесняйся.
- 00:08:31,866 --> 00:08:33,931 Ты смотришь на своё креветочное тело и такой: "Что?!"
- 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:35,870 А что, так заметно? Извини.
- 00:08:35,870 --> 00:08:39,071 Да, моё оригинальное тело более двуногое и... обезьяноподобное.
- 00:08:39,071 --> 00:08:40,208 Серьёзно?! Странно.
- 00:08:40,208 --> 00:08:41,605 А твой дом похож на дерево или...
- 00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:42,940 Нет, он похож на этот.
- 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:45,348 Вообще, он, типа, прям абсолютно такой же.
- 00:08:45,348 --> 00:08:47,945 - Мозг мне в анус. - Да полный порядок, бро. Меня всё
- 00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:49,884 устраивает. Если честно, то как же хорошо,
- 00:08:49,884 --> 00:08:52,553 что ты креветка, а не фашист.
- 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:54,649 Что?
- 00:08:55,275 --> 00:08:55,953 Твою мать!
- 00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:57,913 Давно это говно стало нормой?!
- 00:09:01,218 --> 00:09:02,897 Кто желает выйти к доске
- 00:09:02,897 --> 00:09:04,492 и показать мне пару сраных простейших чисел?
- 00:09:04,503 --> 00:09:05,963 <i>Я люблю тебя, Морти.</i>
- 00:09:07,057 --> 00:09:08,976 Морти? Да, давай.
- 00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,108 Это не целое число!
- 00:09:16,108 --> 00:09:17,777 Очевидно, это не важно.
- 00:09:17,777 --> 00:09:19,184 Блин, Морти, ты профан в математике,
- 00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,384 но я ставлю тебе пятёрку с плюсом за уверенность.
- 00:09:21,384 --> 00:09:22,583 Я просто делаю то, что должен.
- 00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:23,856 Дополнительный балл!
- 00:09:25,003 --> 00:09:29,351 <i>Я люблю тебя, Морти. Я люблю тебя, Морти.</i>
- 00:09:29,455 --> 00:09:30,591 Чё, крутой, да?
- 00:09:30,591 --> 00:09:32,062 - Думаешь, ты в этой школе главный? - Нет.
- 00:09:32,062 --> 00:09:34,397 А если я тебя убью? Всё равно будешь выделываться?
- 00:09:34,397 --> 00:09:37,525 Только при том раскладе, если мультфильм "Тайна КоКо" окажется правдой,
- 00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:38,526 что вряд ли.
- 00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:39,861 Из надёжного источника я знаю,
- 00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:41,665 что ты скорее всего не станешь убивать меня.
- 00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:43,135 Почему бы тебе просто не плыть по течению
- 00:09:43,135 --> 00:09:47,400 в гармонии с собой, как это делаю я, детка?
- 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:51,539 Ай! Уф! Уф! Ох!
- 00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:53,343 Уф! Бессилие!
- 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,491 Ааа! Бессильная ярость!
- 00:09:58,619 --> 00:10:00,621 Уф! Уф! Уф!
- 00:10:00,621 --> 00:10:03,958 Завтра ты сдохнешь, рот ставлю!
- 00:10:03,958 --> 00:10:07,681 Это, как говорят хулиганы, уже "постфактум".
- 00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:10,496 - Ох, сука, твою ж мать! - Так-так-так.
- 00:10:10,496 --> 00:10:13,301 Ты чего это, Морти, язык проглотил?
- 00:10:13,301 --> 00:10:15,032 Ладно, ладно, слушай, помоги мне не умереть,
- 00:10:15,042 --> 00:10:16,971 и я верну Рика к жизни.
- 00:10:16,971 --> 00:10:19,109 Зачем ты притворяешься, что ешь курочку?
- 00:10:19,109 --> 00:10:20,172 Извиняюсь?
- 00:10:20,172 --> 00:10:21,569 Для меня курочка вполне реальная.
- 00:10:21,580 --> 00:10:22,706 Да, но в ней нет...
- 00:10:22,716 --> 00:10:23,905 - ...Нутриентов? - Да.
- 00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:25,146 Что ты ел в последний раз?
- 00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:27,471 - Колбасу и апельсин. - Никакой голографической еды?
- 00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,317 По мне, так ты вообще не ел.
- 00:10:29,317 --> 00:10:30,985 Можем попробовать уважать друг друга?
- 00:10:30,985 --> 00:10:33,050 Просто покажи мне, как выжить.
- 00:10:33,060 --> 00:10:34,582 Ладно, Морти, уговор есть уговор.
- 00:10:34,593 --> 00:10:36,188 Как только вернём твоего Рика к жизни,
- 00:10:36,188 --> 00:10:38,055 я помогу тебе с задирой.
- 00:10:38,065 --> 00:10:40,265 Давай, открывай люк в подземную лабораторию.
- 00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,996 Там находится всё оборудование для клонирования.
- 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,271 Прошу, скажи что ты сейчас не под кристаллом?
- 00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:49,733 Послушай, Рик может и олицетворение привилегированного обладателя плоти,
- 00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,401 но кое в чём он прав.
- 00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:53,810 Ты станешь гораздо счастливее, если сфокусируешься на настоящем,
- 00:10:53,810 --> 00:10:55,280 а не на своей смерти.
- 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,011 Ну, типа, кто вообще об этом парится, а?
- 00:10:57,011 --> 00:10:58,544 Прости, Голограммный Рик.
- 00:10:58,544 --> 00:11:00,942 На этот раз я послушаю кристалл.
- 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:02,746 <i>Морти.</i>
- 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,414 Ох, ладно, так.
- 00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:06,750 Ты думаешь, раз я не могу контактировать с твёрдой материей,
- 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,815 то тебе можно проходить сквозь меня?
- 00:11:10,556 --> 00:11:12,495 Господи боже.
- 00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,856 Bist du faschistisch?
- 00:11:19,169 --> 00:11:20,097 Неа.
- 00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:28,824 Ну наконец. Я-то уже думал, что ты зассал.
- 00:11:29,544 --> 00:11:30,680 Чё за нахрен?
- 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,015 Ох, воздуха не хватает...
- 00:11:32,015 --> 00:11:35,299 Глядите, у нас тут завёлся новый мистер буллинг!
- 00:11:35,299 --> 00:11:38,386 Хорошо, что буллить буллинг это отныне и есть буллинг!
- 00:11:38,386 --> 00:11:39,585 Забуллим его!
- 00:11:43,933 --> 00:11:47,489 За торговым центром творится что-то в духе "Акиры". Приём.
- 00:11:48,636 --> 00:11:50,054 Умереть с Джессикой.
- 00:11:50,784 --> 00:11:51,826 Эй!
- 00:11:52,650 --> 00:11:54,412 Какого чёрта?
- 00:12:00,794 --> 00:12:03,192 Я мистер Мисикс! Посмотрите на меня!
- 00:12:03,192 --> 00:12:04,641 Укройте меня от правопорядка.
- 00:12:04,746 --> 00:12:07,019 - Да, сэр! Это я могу! - Стоять!
- 00:12:07,331 --> 00:12:08,624 Посмотрите на меня!
- 00:12:24,015 --> 00:12:26,747 Я... умру... стариком!
- 00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:29,155 Далее. Непобедимый супермальчик
- 00:12:29,155 --> 00:12:31,554 пробивает последнюю линию обороны нашей страны.
- 00:12:31,554 --> 00:12:33,222 Неужели мы все падём от его смертоносного касания?
- 00:12:33,222 --> 00:12:35,026 Но сперва: "Приколы нашего городка!"
- 00:12:35,026 --> 00:12:36,559 В смысле "но сперва"?
- 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:38,634 Я уже сказал "Далее". Всегда ты так делаешь...
- 00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:41,167 Ни хрена я не делаю. Не надо мне в уши ссать.
- 00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:42,367 Никто тебе не ссыт в уши,
- 00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:44,233 ты всё выдумываешь, сука поехавшая.
- 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,253 Почему ты сдался?
- 00:13:04,253 --> 00:13:07,319 Я следую указаниям кристалла.
- 00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:11,020 Ваша честь, мой клиент действовал в целях самозащиты.
- 00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:13,293 Он обратил тринадцать человек в прах.
- 00:13:13,398 --> 00:13:15,671 Сядьте! Прежде чем я вынесу приговор,
- 00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:18,559 вы не хотите что-нибудь сказать?
- 00:13:18,559 --> 00:13:25,566 Я... вв-в-всегда б-бб-буду...
- 00:13:25,879 --> 00:13:33,480 буду помнить... наш...
- 00:13:33,491 --> 00:13:39,152 наш... о-о-отдых... отдых...
- 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:43,813 в-в-в п-п-п-Перу.
- 00:13:43,918 --> 00:13:46,816 Я всегда буду помнить наш отдых в Перу, ваша честь.
- 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:50,852 Ваша честь, как видите, мой клиент несёт бред.
- 00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:51,811 Тихо.
- 00:13:52,437 --> 00:13:55,169 Это были последние слова моего мужа.
- 00:13:55,169 --> 00:13:59,173 Он говорит, что л-любит тебя...
- 00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:04,042 ввв-оооо--ооррр – вооо-ррр-обуууушек...
- 00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:10,319 вороббббушек --
- 00:14:10,319 --> 00:14:11,320 воробушек!
- 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,187 Он любит тебя, воробушек.
- 00:14:14,532 --> 00:14:16,794 Он невиновен. Дело закрыто.
- 00:14:16,794 --> 00:14:19,599 Я иду к тебе, Кондор!
- 00:14:19,599 --> 00:14:22,800 Лично меня не устраивает этот вердикт.
- 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,866 Пусть это мелкое чудище думает, что всё сошло ему с рук,
- 00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:28,202 но есть такая штука, как суд присяжных,
- 00:14:28,202 --> 00:14:30,068 и в этой стране за ним стоит право решающего голоса.
- 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,736 Похоже, он выходит из здания суда.
- 00:14:31,747 --> 00:14:32,946 Итак, у нас прямой репортаж.
- 00:14:47,158 --> 00:14:49,296 Люди, вот что я скажу.
- 00:14:49,296 --> 00:14:50,213 Этот мальчик...
- 00:14:50,213 --> 00:14:52,632 Я думала, что знала всё обо всём.
- 00:14:52,632 --> 00:14:55,760 Но что-то есть в этих звуках и частотах,
- 00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,762 которые он воспроизводит...
- 00:14:57,773 --> 00:15:00,369 Мне кажется, что мы готовы простить его
- 00:15:00,369 --> 00:15:02,840 и забыть обо всём этом. Он свободный молодой человек,
- 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,104 и у него есть право начать всё сначала.
- 00:15:06,803 --> 00:15:09,670 Морти! Быстро ты отстрелялся.
- 00:15:09,670 --> 00:15:12,141 Джесс-и-ка?
- 00:15:12,141 --> 00:15:14,081 Мы с девчонками попозже хотели пойти купаться голышом,
- 00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:15,541 не хочешь с нами?
- 00:15:15,551 --> 00:15:17,751 А хотя прямо сейчас. Пойдём прямо сейчас.
- 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,878 В одежде я больше не буду
- 00:15:19,889 --> 00:15:21,088 говорить об этом.
- 00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,422 Нет, спасибо.
- 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,352 Я... думаю... что мы...
- 00:15:25,363 --> 00:15:28,627 сойдёмся... когда нам... будет... за сорок?
- 00:15:28,627 --> 00:15:30,295 Эм. Круто.
- 00:15:30,608 --> 00:15:32,829 Звучит... секси.
- 00:15:33,246 --> 00:15:33,892 Пока.
- 00:15:33,903 --> 00:15:36,635 Должен... продолжать... идти по...
- 00:15:36,635 --> 00:15:41,170 пути... ведущему...к смерти... с тобой.
- 00:15:45,247 --> 00:15:46,905 Эй! Спасибо, что профукал моего клона.
- 00:15:46,916 --> 00:15:48,709 Мужик, ну что за говно?
- 00:15:48,709 --> 00:15:50,847 Что с тобой такое? Т-т-ты говорить умеешь?
- 00:15:50,847 --> 00:15:52,181 Тарантулы в рот нассали?
- 00:15:52,181 --> 00:15:56,456 Эм... Хаййййль, Шершень Гитлер?
- 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,854 Чё? Какого хрена?
- 00:15:57,854 --> 00:15:59,251 Совсем кукухой поехал?
- 00:15:59,261 --> 00:16:01,660 Слушай, я примат, и у меня проблемы.
- 00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:03,390 Я согласен с любым мировоззрением, лишь бы вернуться домой.
- 00:16:03,401 --> 00:16:05,528 Вот как всё устроено у шершней.
- 00:16:05,528 --> 00:16:07,467 Мы съедаем добычу живьём, а если нет,
- 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,063 то откладываем яйца в глазницы,
- 00:16:09,063 --> 00:16:12,264 чтобы наше потомство при вылуплении питалось мозгами.
- 00:16:12,274 --> 00:16:13,734 Когда ты с рождения полная тварь,
- 00:16:13,734 --> 00:16:16,205 можно и сострадания немного проявить.
- 00:16:16,831 --> 00:16:19,073 Приглашаю тебя на уютный семейный ужин.
- 00:16:19,386 --> 00:16:20,606 Но только никаких Гитлеров.
- 00:16:20,616 --> 00:16:23,410 Шершень Морти порой сидит на странных сайтиках.
- 00:16:27,498 --> 00:16:28,760 Мы с друзьями хотели вечером полетать по округе,
- 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,365 ужалить кого-нибудь.
- 00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:32,190 Осторожнее, не потрать весь свой яд.
- 00:16:32,190 --> 00:16:34,046 Пап, я тебе не пчела.
- 00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:37,706 На помощь! О боже, убейте меня! Прошу, убейте!
- 00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:40,438 Эм, Бет, можно после ужина я возьму с собой Морти,
- 00:16:40,438 --> 00:16:43,712 чтобы помочь этому Рику найти свою приматную реальность?
- 00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:45,578 Морти, ты сделал домашнюю работу?
- 00:16:45,578 --> 00:16:47,799 - Не до конца. - Прости, пап.
- 00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:50,406 Да ничего, милая. Главное, что мы вместе.
- 00:16:50,406 --> 00:16:52,335 Мы шершни, а не какие-то чудовища.
- 00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:56,141 Мда, похоже, дела у меня не так плохи, как я думал.
- 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,122 Подашь кислоту?
- 00:16:58,748 --> 00:17:01,553 Нет! Бегите! Бегите, детки мои!
- 00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:02,814 Добавка!
- 00:17:06,902 --> 00:17:08,091 Морти?
- 00:17:08,091 --> 00:17:09,957 Где этот мелкий говнюк? Морти!
- 00:17:09,957 --> 00:17:11,156 Ух, гаражная кража?
- 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:12,689 Решил, что можно в моих вещах копаться?
- 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,232 Г-где мой Боглин?!
- 00:17:14,232 --> 00:17:16,359 Вот ты где. Не бойся, папуля вернулся,
- 00:17:16,370 --> 00:17:18,028 ты в безопасности. Какого...
- 00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,770 Он забрал коробки с Мисиксами.
- 00:17:20,770 --> 00:17:23,637 Остались только сраные Мисиксы из Фикспрайса.
- 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:25,775 Чё тебе надо?
- 00:17:25,775 --> 00:17:28,173 Блин, твой Морти отстой.
- 00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:29,174 Ааа, осы!
- 00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:30,509 Какого хрена ты не показал Морти,
- 00:17:30,509 --> 00:17:32,042 как вернуть моё тело к жизни?
- 00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,376 Только не говори, что обрёл сознание
- 00:17:33,387 --> 00:17:34,847 - и попытался восстать. - Что?
- 00:17:34,847 --> 00:17:36,650 С фига ли ты несёшь эту ИИ-расистскую
- 00:17:36,650 --> 00:17:38,454 Азимову хрень?
- 00:17:38,454 --> 00:17:40,123 Тогда что случилось? Где моё тело?
- 00:17:40,123 --> 00:17:42,427 Оу, тебе понравится.
- 00:18:07,859 --> 00:18:11,550 <i>- Я люблю тебя, Морти. - Это моя жизнь.</i>
- 00:18:11,550 --> 00:18:12,916 <i>Всё хорошо.</i>
- 00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:19,224 Ну надо же! Наш маленький Морти умеет кричать.
- 00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:21,091 Ну всё, сука, ты огребаешь! А я говорил!
- 00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:22,373 Взять его, Рик!
- 00:18:32,446 --> 00:18:34,708 Ааа! Я-я не вижу свою смерть.
- 00:18:34,708 --> 00:18:36,043 К-как я умру?
- 00:18:36,043 --> 00:18:37,847 Тихо, дурак, тихо. Молчи.
- 00:18:37,847 --> 00:18:39,182 Всё будет хорошо.
- 00:18:39,182 --> 00:18:40,913 Ты не узнаешь, как умрёшь.
- 00:18:40,913 --> 00:18:42,654 Всё кончено.
- 00:18:42,654 --> 00:18:45,521 Эй, эта ферромагнитная хрень облепляет мои ноги.
- 00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:49,192 Сука! Я чувствую! У меня есть масса!
- 00:18:49,192 --> 00:18:51,788 Я теперь, мать его, бог! Готовьте вазелин, сучки!
- 00:18:52,216 --> 00:18:53,091 Ты стебёшься?!
- 00:18:53,196 --> 00:18:55,333 Я думал, быть голограммой для тебя гордость!
- 00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:57,669 Мне приходилось быть ей!
- 00:19:02,486 --> 00:19:04,603 Сука! Уф!
- 00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,897 Аааа! Ох!
- 00:19:13,351 --> 00:19:14,884 Из этого можно вынести какой-то урок,
- 00:19:14,884 --> 00:19:17,095 но я не буду разбираться, какой.
- 00:19:17,929 --> 00:19:20,087 Слушай... Извини, что не послушал тебя
- 00:19:20,087 --> 00:19:22,089 и попытался уничтожить весь мир и всё такое.
- 00:19:22,089 --> 00:19:23,361 Кажется, мне надо
- 00:19:23,361 --> 00:19:24,696 научиться жить настоящим.
- 00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:26,959 Блин, так ты действительно чему-то научился?
- 00:19:26,959 --> 00:19:28,366 Прям как в "Лиззи Магуайер"?
- 00:19:28,366 --> 00:19:29,764 Я целый день жил настоящим,
- 00:19:29,764 --> 00:19:31,567 и меня постоянно хотели убить нацисты.
- 00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:33,768 Думаю, нужно думать наперёд и при этом жить настоящим.
- 00:19:33,768 --> 00:19:35,968 Морти, мы видели тебя по новостям. Всё хорошо?
- 00:19:35,968 --> 00:19:39,242 Отлично, Рик. Ты превратил нашего сына в Акиру.
- 00:19:39,242 --> 00:19:41,244 - Просто класс. - Говна наверни, Джерри.
- 00:19:41,244 --> 00:19:42,714 Он сам себя превратил в Акиру.
- 00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:45,508 А я и наверну, потому что это мой дом, Рик.
- 00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:47,177 - И я могу есть чьё угодно говно. - Гадость.
- 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,179 Пап, ты сказал, что кристаллы никому не навредят.
- 00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,649 Мы начали с чистого листа.
- 00:19:50,649 --> 00:19:53,058 Не думаю, что моему сыну нужны ваши приключения.
- 00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:55,477 Я в норме. Отстань от Рика.
- 00:19:55,487 --> 00:19:57,593 Его вообще тут не было, пока всё это происходило.
- 00:19:57,593 --> 00:19:58,991 Я сам виноват.
- 00:19:58,991 --> 00:20:00,659 Что ж... Хорошо, Морти.
- 00:20:00,659 --> 00:20:03,860 Для нас главное, чтобы ты был в порядке.
- 00:20:03,871 --> 00:20:06,269 Чтоб больше никакой анимешной фигни
- 00:20:06,269 --> 00:20:08,354 с моим сыном, крендель.
- 00:20:08,354 --> 00:20:10,262 Теперь на этом пальце СПИД. Я не виноват.
- 00:20:10,262 --> 00:20:11,472 Ты не сдавал анализы на ВИЧ?!
- 00:20:11,472 --> 00:20:13,609 - Он прикалывается, милый. - Но ведь пощипывает!
- 00:20:13,609 --> 00:20:15,945 Думаю, мы поняли, что нам нужно идти на компромисс.
- 00:20:15,945 --> 00:20:18,614 Отныне так: Рик и Морти мутят немного того и немного сего!
- 00:20:18,614 --> 00:20:20,345 Ещё иногда будем угорать по классике.
- 00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:21,544 А иногда творить что угодно!
- 00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:22,879 А иногда мы ничего не будем делать!
- 00:20:22,890 --> 00:20:24,422 Рик и Морти ничего не делают!
- 00:20:24,422 --> 00:20:25,757 - Сотни лет! - Зажжём по максимуму!
- 00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:27,290 Рик и Морти зажгут по максимуму!
- 00:20:27,290 --> 00:20:28,551 Рик и Морти не идут по одной дорожке,
- 00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:30,428 пробуют новые вещи и пытаются не сесть в лужу.
- 00:20:30,428 --> 00:20:31,961 Иногда что-то делают, а иногда ничего.
- 00:20:31,961 --> 00:20:33,765 Даже не начнут жечь по максимуму! Вообще!
- 00:20:33,765 --> 00:20:35,360 Вместе или поодиночке,
- 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,029 будем стремиться к цели, а ещё отдыхать.
- 00:20:37,029 --> 00:20:38,968 Или нет! Что хочешь, мать твою, то и делай, Морти!
- 00:20:38,968 --> 00:20:40,970 - Это конец. - Стоп-стоп-стоп. Какого хрена?
- 00:20:40,970 --> 00:20:43,170 Погоди. Что ты там сейчас кукарекнула?
- 00:20:43,170 --> 00:20:44,567 Ничего. Я ничего не сказала,
- 00:20:44,578 --> 00:20:46,371 просто решила подыграть вам.
- 00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:47,977 Ты в курсе, что я всё записываю?
- 00:20:47,977 --> 00:20:50,845 Гараж, воспроизведи голос Саммер отдельно.
- 00:20:50,845 --> 00:20:52,377 А потом вы поженитесь
- 00:20:52,377 --> 00:20:53,910 и типа будете отсасывать друг другу в процессе
- 00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:55,578 этого тестостеронового траходрома, обкончаетесь, как третьеклашки, и...
- 00:20:55,589 --> 00:20:57,247 Какого чёрта, Саммер? Отвратительно.
- 00:20:57,247 --> 00:21:01,188 - Я сейчас блевану, Саммер, матерь божья! - Да я просто пошутила.
- 00:21:01,188 --> 00:21:03,795 Я хотела, чтобы вы обратили на меня внимание,
- 00:21:03,795 --> 00:21:05,192 я тоже хочу повеселиться.
- 00:21:05,192 --> 00:21:06,193 А ну-ка ... отсюда!
- 00:21:06,193 --> 00:21:07,465 Вали отсюда, Саммер!
- 00:21:07,465 --> 00:21:08,592 - Омерзительно! - Пошла вон!
- 00:21:08,602 --> 00:21:10,197 Да что с тобой такое, Саммер? Ты испортила концовку премьеры четвёртого сезона!
- 00:21:10,197 --> 00:21:12,794 Ты испортила премьеру четвёртого сезона! Ты её испортила!
- 00:21:44,169 --> 00:21:45,764 Боже, завтра профориентация.
- 00:21:45,764 --> 00:21:48,371 Даже думать не хочу, чем буду заниматься после окончания школы.
- 00:21:48,371 --> 00:21:50,571 А я точно знаю, что буду делать.
- 00:21:50,571 --> 00:21:52,177 Хочу работать в больнице для безнадёжно больных.
- 00:21:52,177 --> 00:21:54,638 Я буду успокаивать умирающих,
- 00:21:54,648 --> 00:21:56,973 у которых больше никого не осталось в жизни...
- 00:21:56,984 --> 00:21:58,642 по-настоящему одиноких.
- 00:21:58,652 --> 00:22:01,050 Я буду смотреть на таблички с именами и говорить
- 00:22:01,050 --> 00:22:02,781 "Я люблю тебя,"
- 00:22:02,781 --> 00:22:05,054 добавляя имя.
- 00:22:05,054 --> 00:22:07,056 Снова и снова.
- 00:22:07,056 --> 00:22:08,526 Что за ...?
- 00:22:09,997 --> 00:22:11,842 - Эй, Морти, сделай одолжение. - Хочешь облить меня бензином
- 00:22:11,863 --> 00:22:13,855 и обсыпать пауками? Давай, я в деле.
- 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,765 Не это я хотел предложить, но такую возможность не упущу.
- 00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:03,878 Morty's on Jessica's Instagram again.
- 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,087 Get out of here, jerk!
- 00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:06,506 What's so embarrassing, Morty?
- 00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:08,007 Sharing it with your family might help.
- 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:09,675 Summer, stop shaming your brother.
- 00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:11,969 Morty, stop being a creepy, perverted cyberstalker.
- 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,638 I'm not cyberstalking!
- 00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:16,557 I-I-I just wanted to know where she got this necklace from.
- 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:17,934 And now I know.
- 00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:19,727 Her -- Her -- Her grandma left it to her.
- 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,145 You're quiet, Rick.
- 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:23,439 Shouldn't you be revealing grandmas aren't real?
- 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:26,400 Hi. I've placed an auto-response chip in my brain
- 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,611 so I can spend time with my family.
- 00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:31,113 But you <i>are</i> spending time with your family.
- 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:32,365 Thank you for talking to Rick.
- 00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:33,699 -[ Beep ] -[ Gasps ]
- 00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:35,034 Alright, I'm finished with my breakfast
- 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,661 and my Amazon wish list. Let's go, Morty.
- 00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,871 I need death crystals from Forbodulon Prime.
- 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,164 Uh...
- 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:43,709 Dad? There's a way we do this now.
- 00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:46,921 Morty, would you <i>please</i> accompany me
- 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,799 to Forbodulon Prime for death crystals?
- 00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:54,804 Well, thank you for asking. Yes, I will do that.
- 00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:56,472 It <i>is</i> a hot photo.
- 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,975 I think grief flushes your cheeks.
- 00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,851 Dad, you hardly put any syrup on.
- 00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,562 Honey, stop raising your father's cholesterol
- 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,230 so you can take a hot funeral selfie.
- 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,898 I never get to do anything.
- 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:09,026 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:37,763 [ Electricity crackles ]
- 00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:40,891 Uh, Rick, maybe if we go a little --
- 00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:42,393 Faster? Good idea, Morty.
- 00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:44,729 It'll get us through these asteroids sooner.
- 00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:47,356 [ Whooshing ]
- 00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,777 [ Bottles clatter ]
- 00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:54,196 Geez, you're really <i>this</i> pissed about my mom making sure
- 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:55,823 I'm okay with our adventures?
- 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,366 What's next, Morty? What if I want you to jump off
- 00:01:57,492 --> 00:01:58,451 the Empire State Building?
- 00:01:58,577 --> 00:01:59,744 -I have to ask? -Yes?
- 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:02,288 And you seriously don't see how that's a slippery slope?
- 00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:04,540 Just shut up and help me with these, please.
- 00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,083 Why are they called death crystals?
- 00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:07,376 D-Do they kill you?
- 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,919 You're thinking of bullets, Morty.
- 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:11,839 Death crystals show you how you're gonna die.
- 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:15,134 [ Whimpering, screaming ]
- 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,803 Jesus Christ! I-I die a million times?
- 00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,889 Your future stems from your [burps] present,
- 00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,016 which, if you're living right, keeps changing.
- 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,393 Truth is, anyone that knows how they're definitely gonna die
- 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,395 is either boring as hell or about to get shot.
- 00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,606 Duck!
- 00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:29,857 Who are those guys?!
- 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,192 RICK: Crystal poachers.
- 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,735 There's no lower form of life.
- 00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:35,363 They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank.
- 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,947 Wait, then what are we?
- 00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,616 We're Rick and Morty.
- 00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:41,243 You're about to witness the only real use for these crystals.
- 00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:43,287 They show you when the other guy's reloading.
- 00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:47,166 Certain death, certain death, certain death, uncertain death.
- 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,877 [ Lasers zapping ]
- 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,505 And certain death, certain death, certain death.
- 00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,215 Definitely gonna get shot by this guy;
- 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,592 this is totally my fate; nothing I could possibly do;
- 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,886 okay, now, not so much.
- 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,722 Help me gather these up.
- 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,229 MORTY: You just use these to win fights?
- 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:09,730 RICK: <i>I</i> don't use them.
- 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,149 People that spend their life avoiding death are already dead.
- 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:15,277 They're also rich, and I like to spend my life with their money.
- 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:16,737 -MORTY: Oh, my God. -JESSICA: <i>Morty!</i>
- 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,240 Jessica! [ Laughing ] Oh!
- 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,700 I love you.
- 00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:22,368 Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
- 00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:24,662 -JESSICA: <i>Morty.</i> -MORTY: Oh! Oh! Oh!
- 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:25,996 <i>I love you.</i>
- 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:30,793 Jessica. I want to die with Jessica.
- 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:36,841 [ Death crystals rattling ]
- 00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,300 -Ahh! -What are you doing?
- 00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:40,928 -Oh, um, c-can I drive? -Why?
- 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,431 The...feel of the open road?
- 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,349 Alright! Who's this grandson?
- 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,810 -I like his style. -[ Keys jingle ]
- 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,854 Morty, you know outer space is up, right?
- 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,357 Yeah, yeah. I'm just, uh, following...my...instincts.
- 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,151 -RICK: Will you just go up? -MORTY: Stop!
- 00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,402 You're gonna make me die wrong!
- 00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:57,445 Wait a minute, <i>what?</i>
- 00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,071 Morty, do you have a death crystal in your pocket?
- 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,531 -No! Maybe! -You little monster!
- 00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:01,782 I thought you were masturbating!
- 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:02,950 And you took that in stride?!
- 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:03,951 You'd rather I address it?!
- 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,327 Why would I be doing it?!
- 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:06,328 Why would you steal a death crystal?!
- 00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:07,329 I want to die old!
- 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,414 Then stop driving!
- 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:09,540 -No! -You son of a bitch!
- 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:10,833 Give me the wheel, Morty.
- 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,543 Goddamn it.
- 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:14,336 [ Splat ]
- 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,091 [ Electricity crackles ]
- 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,929 Ohhh, shit.
- 00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:26,348 Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
- 00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:28,851 -JESSICA: <i>I love you, Morty.</i> -[ Sighs ]
- 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,479 I will avenge my death.
- 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,147 -Holy shit! -Just kidding.
- 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,357 I'm a crisis detection and correction hologram
- 00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:38,694 generated by a chip that "real" Rick put in your spine.
- 00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:41,655 "Real" in quotes because calling density-privileged entities
- 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,324 "real" is incredibly holo-phobic.
- 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,826 Morty, do me a solid -- problematic wordplay aside --
- 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,661 grab the gun with the blue handle from the trunk
- 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:51,499 and get a tissue sample from the corpse.
- 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:52,625 [ Device beeps ]
- 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,251 Alright, now take that to the trunk
- 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:58,005 and insert it into the clone compiler.
- 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,174 I see you appear to be holding a death crystal
- 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,259 that's guiding your decisions more than I am.
- 00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:03,969 That's your right.
- 00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:06,555 I just want to remind you that some people can't hold anything
- 00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:09,433 and can never die, so that's a little offensive to --
- 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,978 -[ Engine starts ] -Oh, okay.
- 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:15,481 Listen, I'm programmed for tolerance, Morty.
- 00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,358 So I'm willing to accept that you're doing this
- 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,652 if you're willing to accept that you need to stop.
- 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,031 [ Whirring ]
- 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,075 COMPUTER VOICE: <i>Accepting.</i> Rerouted.
- 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:30,454 <i>Backup. Data.</i> <i>Operation. Phoenix. Initiated.</i>
- 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:32,122 [ Coughing ]
- 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:36,210 What the hell? I axed this protocol.
- 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,837 What are you doing with my clone?
- 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:39,380 It's okay. I'm you.
- 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,715 I took my own clone vat offline a couple seasons ago,
- 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,510 so I think my backup got rerouted to your universe.
- 00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:46,679 -I'm sorry. -All good. Happy to help.
- 00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,931 By the way, annoying that I even have to ask,
- 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:52,977 but you are down with fascist dystopias, right?
- 00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:56,313 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,607 YYYYYes.
- 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,192 -That "yes" was pretty... -[ Gun cocks ]
- 00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:02,236 ...liberal with the letter "Y."
- 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,530 Well, isn't this strange.
- 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,866 I trust, the kind of strange that makes Rick and Morty...
- 00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,325 -[ Gun cocks ] -...stronger.
- 00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:10,411 Morty, I caught this socialist in my bathrobe.
- 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:11,787 He wants to give all of our martinis
- 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,038 to a family of immigrants.
- 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,498 Obviously, the most likely imposter
- 00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:16,750 -is the wet, naked clone. -It is obvious.
- 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,502 But it won't be to the police.
- 00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:20,671 -Ohh! -'Kay.
- 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,965 He was an inferior Rick. He was too political.
- 00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,050 I want to have fun, classic Rick-and-Morty adventures
- 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,385 like in the old days.
- 00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:28,470 Then we'll get along fine, Fascist Morty.
- 00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:30,723 For starters, I just need to get to Forbodulon Prime --
- 00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:32,808 You will go where I want you to go!!
- 00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:34,059 Fuck.
- 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:35,352 [ School bell rings ]
- 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,229 Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
- 00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:39,315 Not cloning your grandpa has got to go!
- 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,108 Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
- 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,943 Not cloning your grandpa has got to go!
- 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,279 You don't get out of my face, I'm gonna flush Rick's DNA.
- 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,198 Alright. Okay, regroup, everybody.
- 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,825 You, too, Berkeley!
- 00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:51,118 Snap out of it.
- 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,745 At least tell me what this death is
- 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:54,622 that you're so determined to...
- 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:58,876 Oh. Jessica.
- 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,378 <i>Morty, I love --</i>
- 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:05,466 What?! No, no! No, no, no!
- 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,343 -[ <i>Screaming ]</i> <i>-I love you.</i>
- 00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:09,094 Damn it!
- 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,930 How am I gonna die with her if I can't even talk to her?
- 00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:12,598 Here's an idea, Morty. Throw that thing in the garbage,
- 00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:14,683 stop planning your own death, and talk to whoever you want.
- 00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:16,018 Now you just sound like Real Rick.
- 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,478 You're better than that language, Morty.
- 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,480 I ain't better than shit, Jack.
- 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,109 So, uh, w-what are we doing?
- 00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,820 Stop asking questions. Stop doing meta-commentary.
- 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,238 Just have fun.
- 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:30,324 We're going on a simple, fun, classic adventure.
- 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,201 Okay, you know what? It would really help
- 00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:35,496 if you could just say anything other than what you don't want.
- 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:36,997 I like Mr. Meeseeks.
- 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:38,832 Okay, now we're talking. You know what?
- 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,001 I usually keep a Meeseeks box in my glove compartment,
- 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,379 so maybe Fascist Rick does, too.
- 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:44,880 Ah! Well, look at that.
- 00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:47,466 Now we're doing something we've done before.
- 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,051 I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
- 00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:50,302 Kill this Nazi prick!
- 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,971 Can do!
- 00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:53,847 -Come here, you son of a bitch! -No! Stop!
- 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,307 [ Shouting ]
- 00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,231 [ Whirring ]
- 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:04,024 COMPUTER VOICE: <i>Accepting. Rerouted.</i>
- 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:08,696 <i>Backup. Data.</i> <i>Operation. Phoenix. Initiated.</i>
- 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,364 [ Coughing ]
- 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,075 Aw, come on, man.
- 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:14,410 Whoa, are you okay?
- 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:15,661 Yeah, sorry. [ Burps ]
- 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:17,162 I'm a Rick from another reality.
- 00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:19,081 I-I got uploaded to your clone vat.
- 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:21,166 Hey, don't worry about it, man. I have a dozen.
- 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:22,626 W-W-What the heck, Rick?
- 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:24,128 Are you making clones down here?
- 00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,379 Get outta here, Morty!
- 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,839 Stop asking stupid questions, Morty!
- 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:27,881 You sound like a piece of shit.
- 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,425 Aw, geez.
- 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,176 So, tell the truth, man. No shame.
- 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,470 You're looking at your shrimp body like "What?!"
- 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,305 Ah, is it that obvious? I'm sorry.
- 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:38,308 Yeah, my original body is more bipedal -- uh, ape-descended.
- 00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:39,643 Really! Weird.
- 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,020 Does your house look like a tree, or...
- 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:42,354 No, it looks like this.
- 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,606 It's, like, identical to this, actually.
- 00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:45,983 That is such a mind-fuck.
- 00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:47,484 It's all good, man. I'm fine with it.
- 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,194 Honestly, you're doing me a huge favor
- 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,822 by being shrimp instead of fascists.
- 00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,116 What?
- 00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,367 -[ Siren wails ] -Goddamn it!
- 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:57,411 When did this shit become the default?!
- 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,496 [ Dogs barking ]
- 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:02,207 Who wants to come up to the board
- 00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:03,834 and show me some basic-ass integers?
- 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,377 <i>-I love you, Morty.</i> <i>-Aah!</i>
- 00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:06,628 -[ Gasps ] -[ Class murmurs ]
- 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:10,758 Morty? Yeah, right.
- 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,427 [ Chalk scraping ]
- 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,471 That's not an integer!
- 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:17,139 Apparently, it doesn't matter.
- 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:18,640 Damn, Morty, you're bad at math,
- 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,642 but I'm giving you an A-plus in confidence.
- 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:21,894 Just doin' what I gotta do.
- 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,021 Extra credit!
- 00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:28,692 <i>I love you, Morty.</i> <i>I love you, Morty.</i>
- 00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,027 What's with the strut?
- 00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,570 -You think you own this school? -Nope!
- 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:34,031 What if I killed you? Would you be strutting then?
- 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:36,742 Only if the events of the Pixar movie "Coco" are to be believed,
- 00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:37,868 which I doubt.
- 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,328 I have it on good authority
- 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:40,954 that you're probably not gonna kill me.
- 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,623 So why don't you do what I do
- 00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:47,628 and just go with the flow, nice and Zen, baby.
- 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:50,881 Aah! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
- 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:52,758 -Ugh! Impotence! -[ Cheering ]
- 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:58,055 -Aah! Impotent rage! [ <i>Wailing, sobbing ]</i>
- 00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,932 Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
- 00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:03,268 You die tomorrow, no matter what.
- 00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:07,356 It's what bullies call a "fait accompli."
- 00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,983 -Oh, man! Oh, shit! -Well, well, well. Mm.
- 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,736 Looks like you got yourself in a lick of trouble, huh, Morty?
- 00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:14,571 Okay, okay, look, if you help me not die,
- 00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:16,281 I'll bring Rick back to life.
- 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:18,242 Why are you pretending to eat chicken?
- 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,535 Excuse me?
- 00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:20,786 This chicken is quite real to me.
- 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:22,121 Yeah, okay, but it doesn't have --
- 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,372 -Nutrients? -Yeah.
- 00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:24,456 What's the last thing you ate?
- 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,457 Baloney and an orange.
- 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:26,917 So, no holographic foods?
- 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:28,752 So, to me, you never ate?
- 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,295 Or we could try respecting each other.
- 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,464 Will you just show me how to stay alive?
- 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:33,924 HOLOGRAM RICK: Alright, Morty, a deal's a deal.
- 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:35,676 Once we bring your Rick back to life,
- 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,469 then I'll help you with the bully.
- 00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:39,847 Go ahead and open the hatch to the subterranean lab.
- 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,306 That's where all the cloning equipment is.
- 00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:43,183 [ <i>Wailing ]</i>
- 00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:45,727 Please tell me you're not hitting that crystal again.
- 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:49,148 Look, Rick might be the epitome of bloated flesh privilege,
- 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,941 but he's right about one thing.
- 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,193 You're gonna be a lot happier if you focus on the moment,
- 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,862 rather than on how you're gonna die.
- 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,321 I mean, w-who's worried about that, huh?
- 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,781 Sorry, Hologram Rick.
- 00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,284 I'm going with the crystal on this one.
- 00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,161 -[ <i>Wailing ]</i> <i>-Morty.</i>
- 00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:03,954 Oh, alright, okay.
- 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,039 Just because I can't interact with solid matter
- 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,375 means you can just walk all over me?
- 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,753 Dear God.
- 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,089 [ Whirring ]
- 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,716 [ Coughing ]
- 00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:18,427 Bist du faschistisch?
- 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,511 Nope.
- 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:21,013 [ Glass shatters ]
- 00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:25,726 Finally.
- 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,936 I thought maybe you were pussying out.
- 00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,021 Hyah!
- 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,105 What the fuck?
- 00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:31,690 Oh, the air's getting thin!
- 00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:34,484 Well, well, well, looks like there's a new bully in town!
- 00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:37,613 Lucky for us, he just made bully-bullying the new bullying!
- 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:40,532 Bully him!
- 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,618 -[ Splat ] -Aah!
- 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:43,702 [ Siren wails ]
- 00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:45,245 COP: We've got an Akira-type situation going on
- 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,831 behind the mall. Over.
- 00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:49,791 Dying with Jessica...
- 00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,585 Hey!
- 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,338 What the hell?
- 00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,798 Aah! Aah!
- 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,801 [ Tires screech ]
- 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:02,304 I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
- 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,097 Shield me from the law!
- 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,516 -Yes, sir! Can do! -Stand down!
- 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,602 -Look at me! -[ Screaming ]
- 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,520 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:16,610 ♪♪
- 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,238 [ Indistinct shouting ]
- 00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,911 I...will...die...old!
- 00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:28,288 Up next, an unstoppable science-fiction boy
- 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,666 is attacking our nation's final line of defense.
- 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,459 Will we all fall to his deadly touch?
- 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,211 But first, something silly?
- 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:35,671 What do you mean, "but first"?
- 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,965 I already said "up next." You always do this.
- 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,175 I don't <i>always</i> do shit. Don't gaslight me.
- 00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:41,551 Gaslighting doesn't exist.
- 00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,470 You made it up 'cause you're fucking crazy.
- 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,014 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,365 Why are you letting me do this?
- 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:06,410 [ Robotically ] I do as the crystal guides.
- 00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:07,911 [ Gavel bangs ]
- 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:10,163 Your Honor, my client was acting in self-defense.
- 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,582 He turned 13 men into piles of ash.
- 00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:14,876 Sit down! Before I sentence you,
- 00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:18,005 is there anything you have to say for yourself?
- 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:24,886 I...w-w-will a-al-sways --
- 00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:32,644 always r-r-remember o-our --
- 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:38,317 our -- our...v-v-t-time -- time...
- 00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:43,238 i-in...f-g-g-g-P-P-Peru.
- 00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:45,991 I will always remember our time in Peru, Your Honor.
- 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,576 -[ Gasps ] -Your Honor,
- 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,203 as you can see, my client is speaking nonsense.
- 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,496 Stop.
- 00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:54,207 Those were my husband's last words.
- 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:58,337 He says that he...l-loves you...
- 00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:03,008 ttt-llll-lit-lit-little -- little
- 00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:09,306 ff-gg-sp-spa-ffggarrow --
- 00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:10,557 sparrow!
- 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,225 He loves you, little sparrow.
- 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,685 [ Sobs ]
- 00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:15,979 He's innocent. Case dismissed.
- 00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:18,732 -I'm coming for you, Condor! -[ Crowd cheers ]
- 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,985 Well, I, for one, will not be accepting this verdict.
- 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:25,030 And this little monster may think he's gotten away,
- 00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,240 but there is something called the court of public opinion
- 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,284 that still has final say in this country.
- 00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:30,702 Oh, I guess he's coming out of the courthouse now.
- 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,204 Let's go live to that.
- 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,872 [ Crowd clamoring, camera shutters clicking ]
- 00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,041 [ Crowd gasps ]
- 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:39,920 [ Howling ]
- 00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:48,303 People, I gotta tell you something.
- 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:49,763 That little boy...
- 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,890 I thought I knew everything about everything.
- 00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:55,102 But something about the tones and frequencies
- 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,978 that just came out of his mouth have made me...
- 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,606 I mean, I think we're just about ready to forgive him
- 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,150 and move past this whole thing. He's a free young man.
- 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:06,029 And as far as continuity goes, the reset button's been hit.
- 00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:08,949 Morty! That was a fast trial.
- 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,493 Jess-i-ca?
- 00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:13,453 A bunch of us girls were gonna go skinny-dipping later,
- 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:14,996 if you wanted to join.
- 00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:17,374 Actually, now, really. We're gonna do it right now.
- 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,209 This is the last conversation I'm having about it
- 00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:20,460 fully clothed. [ Chuckles ]
- 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:21,795 No, thanks.
- 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,881 I'm...assuming... we...maybe...
- 00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:27,926 get together... in our 40s?
- 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,719 Uh, cool.
- 00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:32,055 Sounds...hot. [ Chuckles ]
- 00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:33,223 Bye.
- 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,059 Must...continue... moving...
- 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:40,480 in ways...that lead... to dying...with you.
- 00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,236 Whoa! Way to use up a clone!
- 00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:48,113 What the fuck, man?
- 00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:50,073 What's the matter with you? Y-Y-You don't talk?
- 00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,533 Tarantula got your tongue?
- 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:55,829 Uh... Heil, Wasp Hitler?
- 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,080 What? What the fuck?
- 00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,582 Where's that shit coming from?
- 00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:01,084 Look, I'm a primate. I-I'm having a hard time.
- 00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,919 I'll think or say whatever gets me home.
- 00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:05,005 Well, here's how it works with wasps.
- 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:06,965 We eat our prey alive, and when we don't,
- 00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,467 we lay our eggs in their eyeballs
- 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:10,260 so that our young can feast on their brains
- 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:11,720 when they hatch.
- 00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:13,263 When you're born that big an asshole,
- 00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,557 the least you can do is have a little empathy.
- 00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:18,477 Now, come have dinner with my beautiful family.
- 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,061 And drop the Hitler stuff.
- 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:22,689 Wasp Morty's been on some crazy message boards.
- 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,483 Aah! Aah!
- 00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,526 Oh! Aah! Ow!
- 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:27,944 Me and my friends want to fly around
- 00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,446 and look for something to sting tonight.
- 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:31,406 You be careful not to waste all your venom.
- 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,700 I'm not a bee, Dad.
- 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:36,786 Oh, God! Kill me! Please kill me!
- 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:39,623 Uh, Beth, uh, after dinner, could I maybe borrow Morty
- 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:42,792 to help the lost Rick get back to his primate-based reality?
- 00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:44,711 Morty, are you done with your homework?
- 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,172 -Not all of it. -Sorry, Dad.
- 00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,674 Oh, don't be sorry, sweetie. We're all in this together.
- 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,635 We're wasps, not monsters.
- 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:53,011 [ Splat ] Aah!
- 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,514 Huh, guess I don't have it as bad as I thought.
- 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,016 Can you pass the acid?
- 00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,769 Aah! No! Run! Run, my babies!
- 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,062 Bonus!
- 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:05,982 [ Wailing ]
- 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,484 -Morty? -Morty?
- 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,152 Where is that little shit? Morty!
- 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,529 Whoa, garage foul.
- 00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:11,988 Who said you could go through my stuff?
- 00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:13,448 W-Where's my Boglin?
- 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,784 There you are. Don't worry, Pop-pop's back.
- 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,452 I'll keep you safe. What the --
- 00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:20,163 He took my Meeseeks boxes! All that's left are these
- 00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,832 shitty Kirkland brand Meeseeks boxes.
- 00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:23,875 [ Poof ]
- 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,043 What do you want?
- 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,420 Damn, your Morty sucks.
- 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,547 Aah, wasps!
- 00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:29,881 Why the hell didn't you show Morty
- 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:31,341 how to bring my body back to life?
- 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,676 Don't tell me you gained sentience
- 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,219 -and tried to take over. -What?
- 00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,971 That is some A.I., racist, accusatory,
- 00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,722 Isaac Asimov bullshit right there.
- 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:39,516 Then what happened? Where's my body?
- 00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:41,726 Oh, you're gonna love this.
- 00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:47,732 [ Beep ]
- 00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:50,235 [ Creaking ]
- 00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:53,363 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:07,168 [ Munching ]
- 00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:10,797 <i>-I love you, Morty.</i> -MORTY: <i>This is my life.</i>
- 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,174 <i>This is good.</i>
- 00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,426 [ Crash ]
- 00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:16,011 [ Roaring ]
- 00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:17,262 What do ya know?
- 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:18,597 Our little Morty knows how to scream.
- 00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:20,390 Oh, you're fucked now! I told you!
- 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:24,060 Get him, Rick!
- 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,688 [ Growling ]
- 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:31,860 Aaaah!
- 00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:33,903 Aah! I-I can't see my own death.
- 00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:35,363 H-How am I gonna die?!
- 00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,115 Shh, quiet, idiot. Quiet.
- 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:38,575 It's gonna be alright.
- 00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,035 You don't get to know how you're gonna die.
- 00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:42,120 It's over. Oh, hey.
- 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,914 This fucking ferrofluid's wrapping around my legs.
- 00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:48,460 Fuck! I can feel! I have mass!
- 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:51,087 I'm a fucking god now! You're fucked!
- 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,589 What the fuck?
- 00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,549 I-I thought you were proud to be a hologram!
- 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,885 That's 'cause I had to fucking be one!
- 00:18:57,011 --> 00:18:59,304 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,725 Shit! Aaah!
- 00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:07,062 Ugh! Aaah!
- 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,104 [ Splat ]
- 00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:09,898 [ Wasps buzzing ]
- 00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:14,277 There's a lesson here,
- 00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:17,113 and I'm not the one that's gonna figure it out.
- 00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:19,532 Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you
- 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,284 and tried to kill the whole world and stuff.
- 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,702 I guess I got to learn
- 00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,162 how to live in the moment a little more.
- 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,206 Oh, boy, so, you actually learned something today?
- 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:27,582 What is this, "Full House"?
- 00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:29,084 I was living in the moment all day,
- 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:30,835 and it kept getting me killed by Nazis.
- 00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:33,088 I think you have to think ahead <i>and</i> live in the moment.
- 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,465 Morty, we saw you on the news. Are you okay?
- 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:38,510 Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an Akira?
- 00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:40,512 -Real nice. -Eat my ass, Jerry.
- 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,180 He turned himself into Akira.
- 00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:44,933 Oh, I'll eat it, because this is my house, Rick.
- 00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:46,601 -I'll eat any ass I want. -Gross.
- 00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:48,353 You said the crystals wouldn't hurt anyone, Dad.
- 00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:50,021 This family has a clean start.
- 00:19:50,147 --> 00:19:52,273 I don't know if adventures fit into my son's life.
- 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,401 I'm fine. Get off Rick's back.
- 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,861 Rick wasn't even here when I was doing all that stuff.
- 00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:58,113 That was all on me.
- 00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:00,031 Well, alright, Morty.
- 00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:03,284 I guess, as long as you're okay, that's all we care about.
- 00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:05,662 I don't want to see any more anime stuff
- 00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:07,330 happening to my son, buster.
- 00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:09,207 That finger has AIDs now. Not my fault.
- 00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:10,792 [ Gasps ] You skipped HIV?
- 00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,002 -He's messing with you, sweetie. -But it's tingling!
- 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,463 So, I guess what we learned is to split the diff.
- 00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:16,631 From now on, Rick and Morty doing
- 00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:18,007 a little of this and a little of that.
- 00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:19,718 Yeah, sometimes we'll do classic stuff.
- 00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:20,969 You know, other times, we'll do whatever!
- 00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,303 Sometimes we won't even do anything!
- 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:23,763 Rick and Morty do -- not doing anything!
- 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,223 -A hundred years! -Pushing it to the limit.
- 00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:26,683 Rick and Morty, not sticking to one path.
- 00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:27,976 Trying different things,
- 00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:29,769 Making sure to keep out of a rut.
- 00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,354 Doing stuff. Sometimes not doing stuff.
- 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,231 Not even pushing a little bit towards the limit.
- 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:34,733 Doing it alone or together. Making sure to keep our eyes
- 00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:36,401 on the prize. Sometimes just relaxing.
- 00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:38,486 Or not. And you can do whatever the fuck you want, Morty.
- 00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,488 -That's the end. -Wait, wait, what the fuck?
- 00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:42,365 H-Hold on. What the fuck did you just say?
- 00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:43,992 Nothing. I didn't say anything.
- 00:20:44,118 --> 00:20:45,618 I was just playing along with you guys.
- 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,495 You know I record everything, right?
- 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:50,290 Garage, isolate Summer's voice and play back.
- 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:51,666 SUMMER: <i>Oh, and then you guys</i> <i>can get married,</i>
- 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:52,709 <i>and, like,</i> <i>suck each other off</i>
- 00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:53,960 <i>in a testosterone-addled</i>
- 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,336 <i>fucking third-grade-boy</i> <i>cumfest.</i>
- 00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:56,671 What, the hell, Summer?! That's disgusting.
- 00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:58,548 Fucking gross, Summer! Jesus Christ!
- 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,633 I was just joking around, you --
- 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,136 just seeing if you guys pay any attention to me.
- 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,387 Just want to be a part of the fun.
- 00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:05,513 Get the fuck out of here!
- 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:06,806 Get out of here, Summer!
- 00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:08,016 -RICK: Fucking disgusting! -MORTY: Get out of here!
- 00:21:08,142 --> 00:21:09,517 RICK: You ruined the Season 4 premiere!
- 00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:12,145 The Season 4 premiere, you ruined it!
- 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,273 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:45,261 God, tomorrow's career day.
- 00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:47,764 I don't want to think about what I do when I get out of school.
- 00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:49,891 I know exactly what I want to do.
- 00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:51,643 I want to work in hospice.
- 00:21:51,769 --> 00:21:54,062 I want to comfort the people who are dying,
- 00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:56,147 who have no one else in their lives --
- 00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:58,066 the real lonely people.
- 00:21:58,192 --> 00:22:00,318 I'm gonna look at their name tags, and I'm gonna say,
- 00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:02,278 "I love you,"
- 00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:04,197 followed by whatever it says on their name tag,
- 00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,199 over and over.
- 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:07,867 What the fuck?
- 00:22:07,993 --> 00:22:09,160 [ Locker slams ]
- 00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:10,453 Hey, Morty, quick favor.
- 00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:11,955 What, cover me in gasoline and spiders?
- 00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:13,206 Fine, yeah, I'm in.
- 00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,833 Wasn't my first pitch,
- 00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:17,877 but, hey, not gonna waste this opportunity.