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Риконечная мортистория
Рик и Морти оказываются на борту Поезда истории, буквального двигателя сюжета антологии, в котором пассажиры рассказывают друг другу истории о Рике. Убив билетного кассира, используя «взрыв целостности», чтобы найти карту поезда, и создать историю, которая проходит тест Бекдел, они достигают машинного отделения поезда. Там они противостоят Повелителю истории, который избивает и захватывает их с намерением использовать их «сюжетный потенциал», чтобы привести поезд в движение, достаточное для того, чтобы выйти за пределы пятой стены. Они переживают различные возможные варианты будущего, кульминацией которых является встреча Рика и Морти с армией Мисиксов, газорпазорпианских мужчин и роботизированных Риков под командованием президента Морти и теперь уже злого мистера Жопосранчика. Рик предотвращает битву, заставляя себя и Морти покаяться Иисусу. Спад замедляет Поезд истории до остановки, в результате чего Повелитель истории входит в возможное будущее, после чего появляется сам Иисус. Рик и Морти буквально используют deus ex machina, чтобы сбежать обратно в Поезд истории и отправить Повелителя истории в «ад каждого писателя: Библию». Однако, когда они пытаются вернуться домой, Рик обнаруживает, что панель управления поездом фальшивая, и выясняется, что Поезд истории — это модель поезда, работающая в доме Смитов. После того, как Повелитель истории объясняет природу их реальности и происхождение тетраграмматона Иисусу, он ломает игрушку. Рик отчитывает Морти, чтобы тот купил ещё один, утверждая, что «никто не делает покупки с этим вирусом». В сцене после титров разыгрывается рекламный ролик игрушечного поезда из Цитадели Риков, который включает в себя персонажей Иисуса и Повелителя историй, а также Рика и Морти.
- 00:00:10,764 --> 00:00:11,878 Билетики, пожалуйста.
- 00:00:17,938 --> 00:00:20,161 Бармен, налей моему коллеге.
- 00:00:20,317 --> 00:00:21,057 Мы знакомы?
- 00:00:21,106 --> 00:00:23,151 Я знаю, что на поезде путешествуют,
- 00:00:23,178 --> 00:00:24,455 только чтобы провезти оружие.
- 00:00:24,493 --> 00:00:26,556 И все мы знаем, что на конечной
- 00:00:26,729 --> 00:00:28,667 только одно существо, достойное смерти.
- 00:00:29,004 --> 00:00:31,039 Человек в белом халате.
- 00:00:31,869 --> 00:00:34,367 Можем рассказывать истории по очереди.
- 00:00:34,541 --> 00:00:37,104 Моя начинается на планете Рамамама.
- 00:00:38,216 --> 00:00:39,605 Опустить его в кислоту.
- 00:00:40,690 --> 00:00:43,244 Как только он растворится, опустите туда ещё кого-нибудь.
- 00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:45,882 Он растворился?
- 00:00:46,587 --> 00:00:49,488 Воспользуйся простоем, чтобы перезапустить опускатель в кислоту.
- 00:00:49,515 --> 00:00:51,369 Не нравится мне здешняя обстановка.
- 00:00:51,396 --> 00:00:54,123 Она так и просит, чтобы кого-то опустили в кислоту.
- 00:00:56,339 --> 00:00:57,059 Ты кто такой?
- 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,000 Как ты проник в мою святая святых?
- 00:01:00,505 --> 00:01:02,916 Мы так ни к чему не придём. Взять его!
- 00:01:21,450 --> 00:01:22,413 Хорошо.
- 00:01:22,608 --> 00:01:24,376 Сразимся.
- 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,757 Короче, он рассказывает другую версию истории,
- 00:01:27,784 --> 00:01:29,568 в которой я плачу или типа того.
- 00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:31,705 Поэтому он должен умереть
- 00:01:31,886 --> 00:01:33,754 за враньё. Итак...
- 00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:36,534 а ты за что хочешь убить Рика Санчеса?
- 00:01:36,538 --> 00:01:37,861 Я вообще не знаю, кто это.
- 00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:39,574 И не соглашусь с твоей странной логикой,
- 00:01:39,601 --> 00:01:41,789 будто весь поезд собирается убить одного чувака.
- 00:01:41,816 --> 00:01:43,910 А если бы и согласился, то зачем мы должны по очереди
- 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,973 рассказывать истории, как маленькие девочки на ночёвке?
- 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,231 Если ты хочешь меня обидеть, то у тебя хорошо получается.
- 00:01:49,258 --> 00:01:50,379 Тогда я расскажу.
- 00:01:50,406 --> 00:01:52,437 Вот почему я хочу убить Рика Санчеса.
- 00:01:52,465 --> 00:01:55,141 - Ну, вы, ребята, развлекайтесь. - Утоплю его на фоне солнца-моллюска,
- 00:01:55,168 --> 00:01:57,137 восходящего над огромным пляжем.
- 00:01:57,164 --> 00:01:57,685 Фух.
- 00:01:58,310 --> 00:02:00,021 К тому моменту он оставил игрушки
- 00:02:00,048 --> 00:02:03,429 и ошмётки плоти всем в споровом улье.
- 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:04,552 Аа, новенький!
- 00:02:04,579 --> 00:02:06,310 Ты, наверное, думаешь, что у тебя есть история получше
- 00:02:06,337 --> 00:02:09,424 о том, как Рик Санчес спас Космическое Рождество.
- 00:02:09,451 --> 00:02:12,198 Чего вы зациклились на Рике Санчесе?
- 00:02:13,116 --> 00:02:17,208 Думаю, лучшим ответом будет моя рождественская история о Рике.
- 00:02:19,053 --> 00:02:19,530 Вууу!
- 00:02:19,998 --> 00:02:21,813 Рудольф нам бы не помешал.
- 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:23,580 Слава богу. Я успел.
- 00:02:23,607 --> 00:02:25,600 - Не знаю, как благодарить тебя, Гумби. - Не нужно.
- 00:02:25,627 --> 00:02:27,584 Ты главное повеселись там как следует.
- 00:02:27,611 --> 00:02:28,749 Так и сделаю, спасибо.
- 00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:33,819 Эй.
- 00:02:34,274 --> 00:02:35,416 С Рождеством, Гумби.
- 00:02:35,443 --> 00:02:36,711 С Рождеством, Рик.
- 00:02:37,403 --> 00:02:38,601 Оу,
- 00:02:38,628 --> 00:02:39,686 не стоит.
- 00:02:39,713 --> 00:02:41,318 Я-я и не должен. Прости, если...
- 00:02:41,345 --> 00:02:42,797 Нет. Я спрошу.
- 00:02:42,824 --> 00:02:45,416 - Не-не-не, не хочу обременять. - Ладно. Да да, просто...
- 00:02:45,444 --> 00:02:46,427 там столько людей.
- 00:02:46,454 --> 00:02:47,437 - Семья. Понимаешь? - Ну да.
- 00:02:47,464 --> 00:02:48,805 - Ты не злишься? - Всё хорошо.
- 00:02:48,832 --> 00:02:49,555 Пока.
- 00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:58,005 Так...
- 00:02:58,032 --> 00:03:00,338 Это, конечно, не моё дело, но в этой истории он вообще не спас Рождество.
- 00:03:00,365 --> 00:03:01,951 - Да как ты смеешь! - Но это не значит, что я заинтересован.
- 00:03:01,978 --> 00:03:03,855 Расскажи свою рождественскую историю о Рике!
- 00:03:03,882 --> 00:03:05,510 Отойди нахрен! Отойди!
- 00:03:11,352 --> 00:03:13,237 Если начнёшь плести историю про Рика Санчеса,
- 00:03:13,264 --> 00:03:14,564 то будешь делать это через две дырки.
- 00:03:14,591 --> 00:03:16,731 Я лишь пытаюсь понять, что происходит на этом поезде.
- 00:03:16,758 --> 00:03:17,913 Ты помнишь, как сел на него?
- 00:03:17,940 --> 00:03:19,868 Нет. Первое, что я помню...
- 00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:21,937 Билетики, пожалуйста.
- 00:03:23,778 --> 00:03:26,899 Так почему ты завязала отношения с Риком Санчесом?
- 00:03:27,022 --> 00:03:27,553 Что?
- 00:03:27,581 --> 00:03:29,862 Не делай вид, будто не встречалась с ним.
- 00:03:29,889 --> 00:03:31,790 Мы все встречались, мы всё понимаем.
- 00:03:31,817 --> 00:03:35,370 Может, ты оказалась на самом дне, хотела забыть бывшего и т.д.
- 00:03:35,397 --> 00:03:38,440 - Да кто он вообще? - Во-во.
- 00:03:38,825 --> 00:03:42,815 И представляешь, когда я знакомила его со своей семьёй...
- 00:03:45,635 --> 00:03:47,414 Лия! Лия, зацени!
- 00:03:47,903 --> 00:03:49,694 Где ты встретила этого...
- 00:03:49,841 --> 00:03:50,745 ...эльфа?
- 00:03:50,943 --> 00:03:52,676 Вообще, это человек.
- 00:03:53,173 --> 00:03:55,748 Но он изобрёл портальную технологию.
- 00:03:55,775 --> 00:03:57,727 Я – само понятие времени!
- 00:03:57,990 --> 00:03:59,554 - Господи! - Я предупреждал тебя не делать так.
- 00:03:59,581 --> 00:04:01,362 - Я и не пытался. - И не надо.
- 00:04:01,389 --> 00:04:02,764 Очевидно, что поезд усиливает
- 00:04:02,791 --> 00:04:04,548 и соединяет несвязанные повествовательные поля.
- 00:04:04,776 --> 00:04:05,428 Ага...
- 00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:09,327 Морти? Я же говорил, что если снова меня найдёшь, то назовись.
- 00:04:09,355 --> 00:04:10,623 Я не знал, что это был ты.
- 00:04:11,195 --> 00:04:12,368 Почему ты меня не узнал?
- 00:04:12,368 --> 00:04:13,802 Ты же сам придумал эту маскировку.
- 00:04:13,802 --> 00:04:15,726 Морти, когда я чё-то создаю, оно работает.
- 00:04:15,753 --> 00:04:16,939 Это называется быть талантливым.
- 00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:18,242 Почему мы не можем найти локомотив?
- 00:04:18,269 --> 00:04:20,271 Это не настоящий поезд, а сюжетное приспособление.
- 00:04:20,298 --> 00:04:22,696 Буквально. Совершенно буквальное приспособление,
- 00:04:22,723 --> 00:04:25,045 которое довольно буквально удерживает нас в переносном смысле.
- 00:04:25,072 --> 00:04:27,573 - Симуляция. - Хуже. Антология.
- 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,240 Ладно, и как же... как нам его угнать?
- 00:04:29,267 --> 00:04:31,831 О, Морти, его угнали целых две минуты назад.
- 00:04:31,858 --> 00:04:33,988 Разве ты не слышишь этот безумный диалог?
- 00:04:34,237 --> 00:04:36,833 Так, билетёр, останови антологию.
- 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,909 Если бы мы захотели выпустить филлер, то сделали бы Межпространственное кабельное,
- 00:04:38,936 --> 00:04:40,302 а не какой-то натянутый, претенциозный...
- 00:04:41,322 --> 00:04:42,762 - Рик? - Твою налево!
- 00:04:42,789 --> 00:04:43,854 Билетики, пожалуйста.
- 00:04:43,881 --> 00:04:46,820 Чувак, я уверен, что у тебя уже полно билетиков.
- 00:04:46,847 --> 00:04:49,332 Боже! А билетный чел качок!
- 00:04:49,359 --> 00:04:50,958 Он просто... просто...
- 00:04:50,985 --> 00:04:53,114 Н-ну как там говорят? Отвал пизды.
- 00:04:53,141 --> 00:04:54,599 - Фу, Морти! - Люди так говорят.
- 00:04:54,626 --> 00:04:56,044 Мерзкие люди. Не хочу представлять себе,
- 00:04:56,071 --> 00:04:58,300 как у кого-то отваливается...
- 00:04:58,328 --> 00:04:59,399 Эй-эй-эй, не подходи. Я тебя ударю.
- 00:04:59,427 --> 00:05:01,247 Я пну тебе по голени, братан!
- 00:05:01,318 --> 00:05:02,420 - Ааа! - Эй, сука!
- 00:05:02,989 --> 00:05:05,132 Я приготовлю и сожру твою задницу, собирающую билеты.
- 00:05:05,803 --> 00:05:07,251 Эй, я нашёл билет.
- 00:05:08,821 --> 00:05:11,428 Ну и ну, да ты... Дамы и господа,
- 00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:13,215 это натуральный Джеки Чан среди живых щитов.
- 00:05:13,294 --> 00:05:15,868 Кто вообще будет тратить время, чтобы прокачаться в... аа, на хрен!
- 00:05:16,166 --> 00:05:18,606 Структурный сбой. Потеря целостности сюжета.
- 00:05:18,633 --> 00:05:20,241 Морти, схватись за что-нибудь.
- 00:05:20,312 --> 00:05:21,703 Береги голову.
- 00:05:27,382 --> 00:05:28,555 Поделись с сестрой, Джош.
- 00:05:28,555 --> 00:05:31,001 Да, у тебя день рождения, но не будь таким козлом.
- 00:05:31,545 --> 00:05:33,615 - Ты в порядке, пап? - Это всё реально?
- 00:05:33,642 --> 00:05:34,989 Вряд ли. Но довольствуйся тем,
- 00:05:35,016 --> 00:05:38,337 - что есть, когда ужинаешь в ТЦ. - В смысле, ты реальна? Жизнь реальна?
- 00:05:38,364 --> 00:05:40,233 Так, я звоню медсестре,
- 00:05:40,260 --> 00:05:41,693 - сегодня ты не уйдёшь от нас... - Ясен красен, что нет,
- 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,903 - потому что... - Сегодня ты этого не сделаешь!
- 00:05:43,930 --> 00:05:45,808 - Это не реальная жизнь! - Папа?
- 00:05:45,835 --> 00:05:46,662 - Милая. Дорогая. - Боже мой!
- 00:05:46,689 --> 00:05:48,079 - Что происходит? - Отдай свои билеты.
- 00:05:48,106 --> 00:05:53,911 М-мне нужны билеты. Все должны отдать мне биииилеееетыыыы!
- 00:05:58,041 --> 00:06:00,755 Запущена аварийная целостность сюжета.
- 00:06:05,391 --> 00:06:07,179 - Это пригодится. - А нельзя просто уехать...
- 00:06:07,206 --> 00:06:08,401 Ну нахер. Я лучше сдохну.
- 00:06:08,747 --> 00:06:11,675 ЖД копы! Руки вверх! Заводите историю о Рике Санчесе!
- 00:06:11,702 --> 00:06:12,917 - Он и есть Рик! - Господи боже!
- 00:06:12,944 --> 00:06:15,694 - Это что, билетёр? - Ну, скорее обрубок.
- 00:06:15,722 --> 00:06:18,457 - Рано! - Не шевелись! Рано!
- 00:06:20,794 --> 00:06:23,113 Итак... Что ЖД копы сделали не так?
- 00:06:23,140 --> 00:06:24,914 Пристрелили людей?
- 00:06:25,126 --> 00:06:26,372 - Пристрелили пассажиров? - Неверно.
- 00:06:26,399 --> 00:06:28,775 Пассажиры влезли в структуру антологии.
- 00:06:28,802 --> 00:06:32,499 Был разрешён огонь на поражение, но у него в руках был баллон с целостностью.
- 00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:34,154 Посмотрим, что они должны были сделать.
- 00:06:34,265 --> 00:06:35,504 ЖД копы! Руки вверх!
- 00:06:35,531 --> 00:06:36,426 - Бросай баллон! - Бросай!
- 00:06:36,453 --> 00:06:37,517 - Бросай! - Бросай баллон!
- 00:06:41,070 --> 00:06:42,891 Простите, что докапываюсь, сэр, но ведь
- 00:06:42,919 --> 00:06:45,716 может произойти только один разрыв целостности, верно?
- 00:06:45,743 --> 00:06:47,793 И не значит ли это, что эти двое могут быть где угодно?
- 00:06:47,820 --> 00:06:49,476 Что? Нет, болван, это...
- 00:06:49,503 --> 00:06:52,012 это просто видеоруководство. Этого не было на самом деле.
- 00:06:52,015 --> 00:06:54,121 - Это ты так думаешь. - Эй, как вы здесь оказались?
- 00:06:54,149 --> 00:06:56,989 Ага, как будто это мы возникли из ниоткуда. Идите нахер, ребят.
- 00:07:00,931 --> 00:07:02,593 Эй, какого чёрта? Твоя нога исцелилась.
- 00:07:02,743 --> 00:07:04,068 Да, настоящая халява.
- 00:07:04,313 --> 00:07:07,172 Погнали. Ну, конечно же, тут всё идёт по сраному кругу.
- 00:07:07,199 --> 00:07:09,139 А можно было подумать, что всё так сложно...
- 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,493 Так, вот здесь были дебильные истории.
- 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,309 Боже, представь, если бы на них всё и закончилось.
- 00:07:13,336 --> 00:07:16,935 Теперь мы здесь, а локомотив должен быть здесь.
- 00:07:17,167 --> 00:07:18,766 Надо сделать пару космических костюмов,
- 00:07:18,793 --> 00:07:21,315 которые начнут разваливаться здесь, чтобы мы
- 00:07:21,342 --> 00:07:23,820 заплатили высокую цену за то, что снова заступили за эту черту.
- 00:07:23,847 --> 00:07:26,923 - Нам придётся покинуть поезд? - Морти, ничего не придётся делать.
- 00:07:26,950 --> 00:07:28,331 Это структурное руководство.
- 00:07:28,358 --> 00:07:30,456 А мы наделим его собственным стилем.
- 00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:31,908 Рик, не нравится мне, насколько всё становится мета.
- 00:07:31,935 --> 00:07:33,262 Завали, Морти. Тебе 14.
- 00:07:33,289 --> 00:07:36,522 Ты смотришь видосики в Ютубе о том, как люди реагируют на гребаный Ютуб.
- 00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:38,034 Я буду решать, когда станет слишком мета.
- 00:07:38,061 --> 00:07:38,946 Мать твою за ногу!
- 00:07:38,974 --> 00:07:41,642 - Как он ещё дышит? - Это состояние приостановки неверия
- 00:07:41,669 --> 00:07:43,308 и теперь он медленно умирает, но в то же время
- 00:07:43,335 --> 00:07:44,877 живёт в альтернативной закадровой реальности.
- 00:07:44,905 --> 00:07:46,886 Блин, какая страшная смерть.
- 00:07:46,913 --> 00:07:48,665 Ты и половины не знаешь.
- 00:07:49,049 --> 00:07:51,394 Ты просто жжёшь с шутками про его расчленение, Рик.
- 00:07:51,421 --> 00:07:53,987 - Эта шутка звучала органично. - Потому что ты смешной от природы.
- 00:07:54,014 --> 00:07:56,322 Это... это же старое-доброе веселье, понимаешь?
- 00:07:56,349 --> 00:07:59,665 - Н-н-нам не нужно нихрена усложнять. - Так, приятель, никаких выкрутасов.
- 00:07:59,692 --> 00:08:01,735 С этого момента – полное погружение.
- 00:08:02,173 --> 00:08:04,263 - Сразу после этого. - Ч-что происходит?
- 00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:05,615 Уходим на рекламу между актами.
- 00:08:07,089 --> 00:08:08,353 Не совсем птица,
- 00:08:08,833 --> 00:08:10,406 но и не личность.
- 00:08:10,702 --> 00:08:11,789 Наверное, главное –
- 00:08:11,789 --> 00:08:15,003 полюбить себя
- 00:08:15,003 --> 00:08:16,307 и воспарить.
- 00:08:16,307 --> 00:08:18,263 Дитя воздуха и земли
- 00:08:18,263 --> 00:08:20,174 с руками и крыльями.
- 00:08:20,174 --> 00:08:22,302 Да, ты птица и личность.
- 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:24,475 Я птица и личность.
- 00:08:24,502 --> 00:08:26,446 И нечто большее.
- 00:08:26,456 --> 00:08:28,234 Да, это была отличная сцена,
- 00:08:28,261 --> 00:08:29,648 но далеко не самый лучший
- 00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:31,090 музыкальный номер в Рике и Морти.
- 00:08:31,117 --> 00:08:31,886 Разве можно забыть...
- 00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:34,406 Эй, вам не кажется, что с поездом творится что-то странное?
- 00:08:34,603 --> 00:08:37,706 Мы здесь уже очень давно, но никто не проверил наши билеты.
- 00:08:41,913 --> 00:08:44,129 Величайшие умы галактики до сих пор пытаются разгадать тайну
- 00:08:44,129 --> 00:08:46,969 ужасной личности, известную детям как Плавучий Кровавыч.
- 00:08:46,996 --> 00:08:49,538 Но три месяца спустя никто не приблизился к истине.
- 00:08:49,565 --> 00:08:51,533 Специально для Новостей с остроумным названием, я – дядя Грызлик.
- 00:08:51,561 --> 00:08:54,124 Не верится, что Плавучий Кровавыч существует.
- 00:08:54,151 --> 00:08:56,739 Он не просто существует, он – мой новый бог. Зацени.
- 00:08:56,766 --> 00:08:58,180 Она свежая,
- 00:08:58,207 --> 00:09:00,200 - или кровь просто... - Да, точно изображена.
- 00:09:00,228 --> 00:09:02,098 Его последователи верят, что вселенная –
- 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,735 это кошмар Плавучего Кровавыча, а сам он
- 00:09:03,762 --> 00:09:05,726 погибает в реальности, где время течёт медленно.
- 00:09:05,773 --> 00:09:07,286 Значит, мы умрём в любой момент.
- 00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,708 Нет. Я – член Плавучего Братства Некончания.
- 00:09:09,735 --> 00:09:11,081 Мы верим, что поддерживаем в нём жизнь
- 00:09:11,108 --> 00:09:13,462 с помощью энергии подавленных сексуальных желаний.
- 00:09:13,718 --> 00:09:17,274 Ты хранишь свою невинность, чтобы вселенная могла существовать?
- 00:09:17,734 --> 00:09:20,715 - Это так... привлекательно. - Правда?
- 00:09:21,342 --> 00:09:23,069 Ладно, давай только разок.
- 00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,364 Прости.
- 00:09:31,686 --> 00:09:33,357 - Ты рад? - Он страдал.
- 00:09:33,384 --> 00:09:35,166 Двигаем дальше. Надо добраться до черты возврата,
- 00:09:35,193 --> 00:09:37,439 прежде чем будильник на костюме дойдёт до нуля.
- 00:09:37,466 --> 00:09:39,659 - Зачем ты поставил будильник... - Потому что если нам будет просто,
- 00:09:39,686 --> 00:09:40,682 то мы никогда туда не доберёмся.
- 00:09:40,709 --> 00:09:43,203 Если не хочешь быть мета, то перестань всё анализировать.
- 00:09:43,327 --> 00:09:44,872 Это тематический замок.
- 00:09:44,899 --> 00:09:46,334 Надо как-то его сорвать.
- 00:09:46,927 --> 00:09:49,831 Так, Морти, расскажи историю, несвязанную с нами.
- 00:09:49,858 --> 00:09:52,055 - Что сделать... - Не думай, а делай!
- 00:09:52,083 --> 00:09:53,921 Ну, ладно, в общем, был такой...
- 00:09:53,948 --> 00:09:56,470 Меня зовут Майк Джонсон. Вкусный кофе.
- 00:09:57,371 --> 00:09:58,475 Надо открыть дверь.
- 00:09:58,953 --> 00:10:00,625 Привет.
- 00:10:00,653 --> 00:10:01,582 Я хочу твои печеньки.
- 00:10:01,646 --> 00:10:03,472 Я голоден, я хочу твои печеньки.
- 00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:04,783 Скорпионы, скорпионы.
- 00:10:04,810 --> 00:10:06,860 Снаружи скорпионы. Заходи в дом.
- 00:10:06,860 --> 00:10:08,337 Что им от нас нужно?
- 00:10:08,337 --> 00:10:10,169 - Им нужна еда. - Мне тоже.
- 00:10:10,197 --> 00:10:11,205 Так, остановись.
- 00:10:11,205 --> 00:10:12,513 Да, я не писатель.
- 00:10:12,541 --> 00:10:14,637 Расслабься, твоя история и должна быть ужасной и тупой.
- 00:10:14,665 --> 00:10:17,211 Я просто не думал, что она так хорошо свяжется с темой.
- 00:10:17,435 --> 00:10:20,144 Думай. Думай. Какую историю никогда...
- 00:10:20,297 --> 00:10:22,250 Морти, ты знаешь, что такое тест Бекдел?
- 00:10:22,277 --> 00:10:23,625 - Чего? - Господи боже, Морти,
- 00:10:23,652 --> 00:10:25,349 это формула для вычисления гендерной предвзятости
- 00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:27,584 в истории, которую предложила комиксистка-лесбиянка Эллисон...
- 00:10:27,611 --> 00:10:29,235 Чему вас только в школе учат?
- 00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,172 - Другим вещам! - Тогда ты убил нас обоих!
- 00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:34,323 - Почему лесбиянка входит в её должность? - Ой, теперь ты стал прогрессивным?
- 00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:36,424 - Что это за тест? - Ты должен рассказать...
- 00:10:39,731 --> 00:10:41,295 Морти, Морти.
- 00:10:41,801 --> 00:10:44,090 Две женщины. Дай им имена,
- 00:10:44,286 --> 00:10:46,224 и они должны разговаривать о чём-то...
- 00:10:46,339 --> 00:10:46,944 Рик!
- 00:10:46,944 --> 00:10:49,174 - ...кроме мужчин... - Рик, послушай меня.
- 00:10:49,312 --> 00:10:52,897 Когда-то давным-давно моя мама и сестра... Послушай меня!
- 00:10:54,798 --> 00:10:56,746 Мам, можно попробовать твой чай?
- 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,561 Да, Саммер.
- 00:10:58,561 --> 00:11:00,254 Да. Попробуй мой чай.
- 00:11:00,281 --> 00:11:02,689 Он такой вкусный и тёплый.
- 00:11:02,689 --> 00:11:04,744 Мам, можно поговорить с тобой
- 00:11:04,822 --> 00:11:06,354 об этих деньках?
- 00:11:06,381 --> 00:11:08,580 Не переживай. У меня они тоже бывают.
- 00:11:08,607 --> 00:11:11,421 - Они у меня сегодня обильные. - Мои всегда такие.
- 00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:13,243 Я люблю тебя с тех пор, как...
- 00:11:13,426 --> 00:11:14,599 тебя прислала мне
- 00:11:14,706 --> 00:11:16,372 женщина-врач.
- 00:11:16,398 --> 00:11:18,128 Эти самые деньки – твоя сила.
- 00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:21,401 - Она делает тебя мощной, как сиську. - На кого направлена эта сила?
- 00:11:21,428 --> 00:11:23,381 На скорпионов. На самок скорпионов.
- 00:11:23,408 --> 00:11:25,393 Они снаружи. Давай.
- 00:11:28,041 --> 00:11:29,784 Борись с ними своими обильными деньками!
- 00:11:29,812 --> 00:11:31,159 И ты тоже!
- 00:11:38,923 --> 00:11:39,705 - Алло? - Алло?
- 00:11:39,705 --> 00:11:42,864 Я судья Верховного суда, и у вас бля всё получилось!
- 00:11:42,891 --> 00:11:44,355 - У нас получилось! - У нас получилось!
- 00:11:49,653 --> 00:11:50,683 Молодец, Морти.
- 00:11:51,361 --> 00:11:53,762 Феминистский шедевр. Эй, смотри.
- 00:11:58,344 --> 00:12:00,634 Угадай, у кого два члена и вся сцена?
- 00:12:00,646 --> 00:12:01,873 Рик и Морти.
- 00:12:02,712 --> 00:12:03,755 Мастер Сказаний.
- 00:12:03,852 --> 00:12:05,989 Я мог бы догадаться, что за всем стоишь ты, и догадался.
- 00:12:05,989 --> 00:12:07,088 Кто это такой?
- 00:12:07,428 --> 00:12:09,343 Он как Фрейзер из космо-матрицы.
- 00:12:09,370 --> 00:12:10,804 Давай покончим с этим, задрот.
- 00:12:10,804 --> 00:12:11,709 У меня дел дохрена.
- 00:12:11,736 --> 00:12:13,165 Рик, тебе ли не знать,
- 00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:15,669 что без путешествия не доберёшься до точки назначения.
- 00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:17,990 Я ничего об этом не знаю. Обычно я телепортируюсь.
- 00:12:18,017 --> 00:12:20,685 Ну, конечно. Для тебя правил нет.
- 00:12:20,712 --> 00:12:22,073 Ты крутишься в мультивселенной,
- 00:12:22,073 --> 00:12:25,244 вырыгиваешь полу-ипровизированные реплики о том, что ничего не имеет смысла.
- 00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:27,808 С таким же успехом можно вытащить члены и потереть ими
- 00:12:27,808 --> 00:12:30,527 ослепительную улыбку судьбы, как будто мы чистим зубы судьбы
- 00:12:30,555 --> 00:12:32,933 с помощью твоего мерзкого, грязного хера.
- 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,030 Будет здорово.
- 00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:35,187 Тебя никто не мешает.
- 00:12:35,214 --> 00:12:37,646 Это правда. Больше никто.
- 00:12:38,514 --> 00:12:39,774 - Твою мать! - Мы уже это делали.
- 00:12:39,774 --> 00:12:42,058 Ой, это что, двойная сюжетная точка?
- 00:12:42,085 --> 00:12:43,969 Что ж, вот такие у меня приключения, пёс.
- 00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:46,187 Это впечатляет сильнее, чем билетёр.
- 00:12:46,214 --> 00:12:48,058 Ты будто на 90% сделан из отвала пизды.
- 00:12:48,085 --> 00:12:50,732 Это называется дисциплина. Смотри.
- 00:12:51,933 --> 00:12:53,280 - Твою мать. - Боже!
- 00:12:53,346 --> 00:12:55,388 - Мы должны драться с ним? - Я не хочу.
- 00:12:55,415 --> 00:12:57,413 Мы сдаёмся. Мы не будем драться.
- 00:12:59,094 --> 00:13:00,782 Пипец вам.
- 00:13:03,846 --> 00:13:05,124 Эй! А ну возвращайся в яйцо!
- 00:13:07,457 --> 00:13:08,569 - Какого... - Не парься, Морти.
- 00:13:08,596 --> 00:13:10,072 Тут всё не канонично.
- 00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:12,323 Пульс есть. Держись, рядовой.
- 00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:14,087 Смит, слушай внимательно. Ты подвергся воздействию
- 00:13:14,087 --> 00:13:16,272 химиката, который дурит тебе голову.
- 00:13:16,299 --> 00:13:18,642 - Чтобы с ним справиться, ты должен... - Мы его теряем.
- 00:13:18,669 --> 00:13:20,157 Пришельцы. Сержант?
- 00:13:20,184 --> 00:13:22,630 Морти, никогда не забывай главную истину...
- 00:13:22,657 --> 00:13:24,449 Ты получаешь по щщам в поезде.
- 00:13:25,843 --> 00:13:27,056 Профессор Санчес?
- 00:13:27,513 --> 00:13:28,190 Получилось?
- 00:13:28,190 --> 00:13:29,793 Я бы так не сказал, Маркус.
- 00:13:30,225 --> 00:13:32,243 Я бы сказал, что получилось зашибись!
- 00:13:32,838 --> 00:13:35,576 Стопроцентное замедление времени и полное погружение.
- 00:13:35,576 --> 00:13:36,569 Что значит "полное"?
- 00:13:36,596 --> 00:13:38,701 Маркус, я вернулся в реальность три часа назад,
- 00:13:38,728 --> 00:13:41,074 но у меня остались воспоминания из другой жизни.
- 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:43,009 Н-н-но я был учёным.
- 00:13:43,078 --> 00:13:44,848 Я-я-я был... Я-я-я изобрёл
- 00:13:44,875 --> 00:13:47,849 межпространственное перемещение, у-у-у меня была дочь.
- 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,367 И-и не было усов.
- 00:13:49,531 --> 00:13:53,481 И-иногда я был забавным, но в основном рыгал.
- 00:13:53,632 --> 00:13:55,054 Больше никаких тайных испытаний,
- 00:13:55,329 --> 00:13:56,673 теперь я буду помогать людям.
- 00:13:56,777 --> 00:13:58,081 Ты уже помог.
- 00:13:58,081 --> 00:13:59,475 Но погубил больше.
- 00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:02,382 П-п-профессор Санчес. Я-я Морти Смит из...
- 00:14:02,382 --> 00:14:04,334 из... из двести сорок первого века.
- 00:14:04,361 --> 00:14:05,598 Вашу... вашу таблетку кладут нам в еду.
- 00:14:05,598 --> 00:14:07,204 - Она... она сработала. - Вызови полицию!
- 00:14:07,204 --> 00:14:09,297 Всё хорошо, всё хорошо. Это всё нереально.
- 00:14:09,324 --> 00:14:10,804 Т-т-т-т-т-тут всё нереально.
- 00:14:10,831 --> 00:14:13,639 - Прости, сынок. - Н-н-ничего. Ты ненастоящий.
- 00:14:15,543 --> 00:14:18,361 Боже, ты прав. Надо больше историй в произвольном формате.
- 00:14:18,622 --> 00:14:20,734 - Залетай. - Что происходит?
- 00:14:20,761 --> 00:14:22,257 Это причина, по которой вы здесь.
- 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,634 Я наполню свою антологию вашим бесконечным потенциалом, протолкнув её
- 00:14:25,661 --> 00:14:29,569 до последней точки... за пределы пятой стены.
- 00:14:31,543 --> 00:14:33,920 Дебил. У нас не бесконечный потенциал.
- 00:14:33,947 --> 00:14:36,331 Мы будем истощены, и ты не успеешь сломать пятую стену.
- 00:14:36,359 --> 00:14:39,109 Да ну? Что ж, польза для всех.
- 00:14:39,172 --> 00:14:40,414 Рик, ч-что происходит?
- 00:14:40,441 --> 00:14:42,722 Он пытается найти в нас отклик, Морти. Сопротивляйся!
- 00:14:43,972 --> 00:14:46,123 Даже не верится, что ты наконец-то идёшь в колледж.
- 00:14:46,123 --> 00:14:49,007 Да, я-то думал, что тебе всегда будет 17.
- 00:14:49,034 --> 00:14:51,068 Лет этак 16 как минимум.
- 00:14:51,095 --> 00:14:53,050 У меня даже слёзы наворачиваются.
- 00:14:53,206 --> 00:14:55,622 Боже, Рик, а ты стал очень мягким.
- 00:14:55,649 --> 00:14:58,285 Это человеческий момент, Морти. Человеческий момент.
- 00:14:58,812 --> 00:15:00,619 Ааа! Больно!
- 00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,881 Абрадольф Линклер? Я думал, что ты умер.
- 00:15:08,881 --> 00:15:11,902 Я очень даже жив, и мне нужна твоя помощь.
- 00:15:11,906 --> 00:15:12,782 Да!
- 00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:14,827 Чёрт, он берёт всё хорошее, Морти.
- 00:15:14,854 --> 00:15:16,489 Погоди, а это... это вообще канон?
- 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,674 - Вполне мог быть. - О боже.
- 00:15:18,674 --> 00:15:21,994 Неужели Рик Санчес хоть чем-то дорожит?
- 00:15:28,736 --> 00:15:29,985 Как вы нашли нас?
- 00:15:31,247 --> 00:15:32,604 Я доверяла тебе!
- 00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:35,540 Не вини других за свои неудачные решения!
- 00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:39,592 Сопротивляйся, Морти! Пока он не истощил нас!
- 00:15:39,619 --> 00:15:41,318 Слишком поздно!
- 00:15:41,345 --> 00:15:42,453 В чём дело, Рик?
- 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,911 Не хочешь увидеть, как заканчивается твоя история?
- 00:15:58,522 --> 00:16:01,404 Твою мать, Рик! Что же нам... Мы... мы... мы не сможем выбраться!
- 00:16:01,431 --> 00:16:02,390 Ты прав, Морти.
- 00:16:02,417 --> 00:16:04,394 Порой кажется, что выхода нет.
- 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,586 Что всё безнадёжно.
- 00:16:05,613 --> 00:16:08,393 Но не забывай, что кое-кто всегда нам помогает.
- 00:16:08,420 --> 00:16:10,639 - Кто? - Мой лучший друг и спаситель,
- 00:16:10,930 --> 00:16:11,764 Иисус Христос.
- 00:16:11,791 --> 00:16:13,529 Что? Ты... ты же не веришь в бога.
- 00:16:13,529 --> 00:16:14,702 Но он верит в нас, Морти.
- 00:16:14,702 --> 00:16:16,814 Знаешь, я считал себя изобретателем,
- 00:16:16,841 --> 00:16:19,690 но величайшее изобретение из всех – это дар Вечной жизни.
- 00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:21,588 Ты... ты что, прикалываешься?
- 00:16:21,615 --> 00:16:22,835 О, поверь мне, Морти.
- 00:16:22,862 --> 00:16:25,188 В своей жизни я творил кучу хурмовой фигни.
- 00:16:25,225 --> 00:16:27,399 Но никогда не поздно принять Христа.
- 00:16:27,449 --> 00:16:29,057 Иисус всегда стоит за дверью.
- 00:16:29,057 --> 00:16:31,233 Надо лишь открыть её и впустить его в наши сердца.
- 00:16:31,260 --> 00:16:33,264 - Как? - Я рад, что ты спросил, Морти.
- 00:16:33,291 --> 00:16:36,246 Просто закрой глаза и иди к нему с молитвой. Вот так.
- 00:16:36,416 --> 00:16:37,633 - Отец небесный. - Отец небесный.
- 00:16:37,633 --> 00:16:39,978 Спасибо, что ниспослал своего единородного сына.
- 00:16:39,978 --> 00:16:42,063 Погодите, нет! Что вы делаете?
- 00:16:42,063 --> 00:16:45,615 - Иисус, я впускаю тебя в своё сердце. - Нет! Что за отстой?
- 00:16:45,653 --> 00:16:47,651 Хватит! Вы бы никогда такого не сделали!
- 00:16:47,651 --> 00:16:48,868 Наполни меня своим духом.
- 00:16:48,868 --> 00:16:50,910 Сделай меня сияющим градом на холме.
- 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:52,734 - Нет! Нет! - Я хочу переродиться.
- 00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:54,588 - Нет! - Мы молимся во имя Иисуса.
- 00:16:54,616 --> 00:16:55,524 - Аминь. - Аминь.
- 00:16:55,551 --> 00:16:57,287 - Аминь! - У вас получилось!
- 00:16:57,314 --> 00:16:58,628 - Молодец, Морти! - Распятыш.
- 00:16:58,655 --> 00:16:59,886 Библезавр. У вас получилось.
- 00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:03,370 - Мы бы ни за что такое не пропустили. - И не говори, мистер Сельдерей.
- 00:17:03,388 --> 00:17:05,169 Что это за херотень?
- 00:17:05,169 --> 00:17:07,297 Величайшая история из всех, мастер Сказаний.
- 00:17:07,297 --> 00:17:09,008 Да нифига! Она ужасна.
- 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,766 Что-что, извини?
- 00:17:14,047 --> 00:17:15,359 Твою налево.
- 00:17:16,031 --> 00:17:17,768 Господи Боже!
- 00:17:17,768 --> 00:17:20,158 - Нет! Нет! Какой же отстой! - Давайте сваливать отсюда. Живо!
- 00:17:21,548 --> 00:17:22,721 Мы в безопасности, Морти.
- 00:17:22,721 --> 00:17:24,193 Никто бы не захотел видеть эту хрень.
- 00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:25,989 Ч-что будет с Мастером Сказаний?
- 00:17:25,989 --> 00:17:28,541 Он проведёт вечность в аду каждого писателя...
- 00:17:28,568 --> 00:17:29,699 - в Библии. - Ну, не знаю.
- 00:17:29,784 --> 00:17:31,393 Кому-то она нравится.
- 00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:32,916 Как-то это цинично.
- 00:17:32,943 --> 00:17:34,846 Не люблю я грязные приёмчики, понимаешь?
- 00:17:34,873 --> 00:17:38,115 Грязные приёмчики? Морти, да нас буквально спас Иисус Христос.
- 00:17:38,128 --> 00:17:39,920 Каким боком это может оказаться оскорбительным?
- 00:17:39,947 --> 00:17:41,067 Я в небольшом замешательстве,
- 00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:43,471 но вроде как мы стали ближе, да?
- 00:17:43,625 --> 00:17:46,756 Мы испытали своих демонов. И теперь мы верим в себя сильнее, чем обычно.
- 00:17:46,782 --> 00:17:47,781 Да. Ты прав, Морти.
- 00:17:47,781 --> 00:17:49,780 Мы убрали в сторону всю эту хрень с мета-каноном,
- 00:17:49,780 --> 00:17:51,495 и теперь можем быть самими собой.
- 00:17:51,522 --> 00:17:54,729 Давай отвезём этот поезд на станцию.
- 00:18:04,556 --> 00:18:05,843 Твою ж!
- 00:18:07,158 --> 00:18:08,514 Ну, что скажешь?
- 00:18:08,542 --> 00:18:11,382 - Ух ты. Где ты взял эту штуку? - В сувенирной лавке цитадели Риков.
- 00:18:11,448 --> 00:18:12,769 Тебе правда нравится?
- 00:18:12,796 --> 00:18:16,456 - Я думал, тебе вообще будет плевать. - Что? Морти. Нет. Мне нравится.
- 00:18:16,603 --> 00:18:18,206 Ты сделал самое важное.
- 00:18:18,234 --> 00:18:19,437 Ты... ты что-то купил.
- 00:18:19,464 --> 00:18:21,005 - Что? - Ты что-то купил.
- 00:18:21,032 --> 00:18:23,754 На деньги. Боже. Я обожаю деньги, Морти.
- 00:18:23,781 --> 00:18:25,736 - Это сарказм? - Merchandise, Morty.
- 00:18:25,736 --> 00:18:28,363 Мерч, Морти. Весь смысл твоей жизни – покупать и потреблять мерч.
- 00:18:28,391 --> 00:18:29,733 И ты это сделал. Ты сходил в магазин...
- 00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:32,774 видит бог, в самый настоящий магазин... и купил там что-то.
- 00:18:32,774 --> 00:18:34,816 Ты не задавал вопросов и не поднимал этических возражений.
- 00:18:34,816 --> 00:18:37,075 Ты... Ты заглянул в кровавые челюсти
- 00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,321 капитализма и сказал: "Да, папочка, прошу."
- 00:18:39,348 --> 00:18:41,544 И я... я горжусь тобой.
- 00:18:41,571 --> 00:18:42,974 Жаль, что ты не взял ещё.
- 00:18:43,001 --> 00:18:45,580 Я-я обожаю тратить деньги, Морти.
- 00:18:45,607 --> 00:18:48,191 Рик, ты... ты... м-может тебе надо в больницу?
- 00:18:48,218 --> 00:18:50,214 Я люблю тебя, Морти. Поцелуй дедушку.
- 00:18:50,552 --> 00:18:52,136 Давай... давай... поц... поцелуй дедулю.
- 00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:54,564 Можно в губы. Как... как тебе будет удобнее.
- 00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:55,591 Некоторые так делают.
- 00:18:57,166 --> 00:18:58,547 Очень мило. Спасибо.
- 00:18:58,547 --> 00:19:00,489 Я-я люблю тебя. Ты мой приятель.
- 00:19:00,914 --> 00:19:01,738 Ладно,
- 00:19:02,243 --> 00:19:04,109 давай посмотрим Межпространственное кабельное.
- 00:19:09,122 --> 00:19:12,107 Хочешь сказать, что мой отец и его царство...
- 00:19:12,405 --> 00:19:15,273 Ну, да... всё основано на смеси
- 00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:17,008 шумерского бога "Я"
- 00:19:17,035 --> 00:19:19,224 и месопотамского бога "Вэй".
- 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,010 А мы на игрушечном поезде?
- 00:19:22,415 --> 00:19:23,333 Да.
- 00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:26,553 Этого достаточно, чтобы подвергнуть своё существование сомнению, не так ли?
- 00:19:27,034 --> 00:19:29,105 И что ты будешь с этим делать?
- 00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:31,058 Будут делать то же, что и всегда.
- 00:19:32,764 --> 00:19:34,339 Свалю отсюда к хренам.
- 00:19:34,926 --> 00:19:39,125 Отец знамений! Одари меня морями крови!
- 00:19:41,775 --> 00:19:42,725 Морти, что за хрень?
- 00:19:42,752 --> 00:19:45,049 Твой поезд сошёл с рельс.
- 00:19:45,077 --> 00:19:46,641 А его окна заляпаны кровью.
- 00:19:46,641 --> 00:19:48,845 Блин, прости, Рик. Похоже, придётся его вернуть.
- 00:19:48,872 --> 00:19:51,267 Вернуть... ты спятил? Ты хоть слышал, что я сказал?
- 00:19:51,294 --> 00:19:53,679 Купи ещё один. Потребляй, Морти.
- 00:19:53,706 --> 00:19:56,151 Сейчас в магазинах пусто из-за этого хреновируса.
- 00:19:56,178 --> 00:19:57,756 Где твой сраный кошелёк?
- 00:20:29,114 --> 00:20:30,489 Устали от одинаковых приключений
- 00:20:30,516 --> 00:20:32,231 - со своим говёным Морти? - Да!
- 00:20:32,258 --> 00:20:32,940 Вот блин.
- 00:20:32,967 --> 00:20:35,077 Тогда обратите внимание на поезд сказаний из Цитадели Риков.
- 00:20:35,104 --> 00:20:36,950 Поезд сказаний. Поезд сказаний.
- 00:20:36,977 --> 00:20:40,295 В поезде сказаний из Цитадели Риков вагоны врагов, любовников
- 00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:43,208 и Гумби, и все они пытаются разобраться в себе.
- 00:20:43,235 --> 00:20:44,581 Рик это бог. Билетики, пожалуйста.
- 00:20:44,581 --> 00:20:46,457 Ой-ёй! Берегитесь! Это мастер сказаний!
- 00:20:46,484 --> 00:20:48,926 - Блин. А он накачанный. - Полный отвал пизды.
- 00:20:48,926 --> 00:20:50,351 Но какое сказание может обойтись
- 00:20:50,378 --> 00:20:52,584 без машиниста величайшей истории из всех?
- 00:20:52,611 --> 00:20:53,884 О, Иисус Христос.
- 00:20:53,911 --> 00:20:55,956 Я явился, чтобы спасти мир, а не судить его.
- 00:20:55,983 --> 00:20:57,637 А самое классное, что веселье никогда не закончится.
- 00:20:57,664 --> 00:20:59,396 Благодаря генератору антологии, запатентованному Риком,
- 00:20:59,396 --> 00:21:01,955 вам всегда будет что рассказать людям.
- 00:21:01,982 --> 00:21:03,360 - Они живы? - Конечно.
- 00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:06,912 - Но не так, чтобы это было важно. - У. Них. Нет. Душ.
- 00:21:06,948 --> 00:21:08,250 Марионетки. Судьбы.
- 00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:10,462 Поезд сказаний. Доступен к покупке в Цитадели Риков.
- 00:21:10,489 --> 00:21:12,447 Берите его иронически или искренне. Главное купите.
- 00:21:12,474 --> 00:21:13,826 Отказ от покупки является согласием на покупку.
- 00:21:13,853 --> 00:21:17,236 Покупайте. Ищите в сети. Он существует. www.story-train.com.
- 00:21:17,264 --> 00:21:19,593 В интернете. Он там есть. Купите. Купите поезд.
- 00:21:19,620 --> 00:21:21,027 Мы хотим, чтобы вы купили поезд.
- 00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,760 [ Engine rumbling ]
- 00:00:10,886 --> 00:00:12,720 Tickets, please.
- 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:16,390 [ Indistinct chatter ]
- 00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:20,102 Barkeep. A drink for my colleague.
- 00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:21,437 Do I know you?
- 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,147 I know the only reason to travel by train
- 00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:24,524 is to travel with weapons.
- 00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:26,734 And we all know that at the end of this line,
- 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,986 there's only one creature worth killing.
- 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,948 The man in the white coat.
- 00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:34,575 May as well take turns exchanging stories.
- 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:38,204 Mine begins on planet Ramamama.
- 00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:40,665 Lower him into acid.
- 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:44,627 Once he's dissolved, lower someone else into acid.
- 00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,629 Is he dissolved?
- 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,590 At least use the downtime to reset the acid lowerer.
- 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,551 I really don't like the attitude around here.
- 00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:54,220 It's a very "lower me into acid" attitude.
- 00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:55,346 [ Door slams open ]
- 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:57,473 Who are you?
- 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:58,683 [ Farts ]
- 00:00:58,809 --> 00:00:59,976 How did you reach my sanctum?
- 00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:01,227 [ Farts ]
- 00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,520 All right, this is going in circles.
- 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,313 Seize him!
- 00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:06,232 -Aah! -Aah!
- 00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:08,693 [ All shouting ]
- 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,031 [ Glass shatters ]
- 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,117 -Aah! -Aah!
- 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,163 [ Farting ]
- 00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:22,373 Very well.
- 00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,792 Now I will fight you.
- 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,503 Anyway, he tells a different version of the story
- 00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:29,463 where I start crying or something.
- 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,632 That's why he has to die.
- 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,050 'Cause he's a liar.
- 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,302 So...
- 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,262 why are you going to kill Rick Sanchez?
- 00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:37,597 Okay, I don't know who that is.
- 00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:39,348 I don't accept your weird leap in logic
- 00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,434 that has everyone on a train going to kill one guy.
- 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,644 And even if I did, why would we take turns
- 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:44,770 telling stories about it like
- 00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:46,022 little girls at a sleepover?
- 00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:47,690 If you're trying to be hurtful,
- 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:48,941 you're doing a good job.
- 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,318 I'll take his turn.
- 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,153 Here's why I'm going to kill Rick Sanchez.
- 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:53,529 You guys have fun with this.
- 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,197 Dissolve to a clam-shaped sun
- 00:01:57,242 --> 00:01:58,659 Whew. [ Sighs ]
- 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,286 By then, of course, he had left toys
- 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:03,539 and flesh drops for every one of us in the spore-hive.
- 00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:04,915 Ah, a newcomer!
- 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,459 I suppose you think you have a better story
- 00:02:06,585 --> 00:02:09,420 about how Rick Sanchez saved Space Christmas.
- 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,881 What is with the Rick Sanchez obsession?
- 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,174 [ Laughter ]
- 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,967 I think the best way to answer that
- 00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,345 is with my Christmas Rick Tale.
- 00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,056 Whoo!
- 00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:21,807 Could've used Rudolph tonight!
- 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:23,559 Oh, thank God. I'm not too late.
- 00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:24,810 I don't know how to thank you, Goomby.
- 00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:26,103 No need.
- 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,480 You just go in there and have a nice time.
- 00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,190 I will. Thanks.
- 00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:33,819 -[ Door opens ] -RICK: Hey.
- 00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:35,321 Merry Christmas, Goomby.
- 00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,239 Merry Christmas, Rick.
- 00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:38,491 Oh. Uh...
- 00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:39,867 Oh, it's okay.
- 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,243 I-I don't have to. Sorry if that was --
- 00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:42,620 No. Um, um, I can ask.
- 00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:43,913 No, no, no, I don't wanna be a burden.
- 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,539 Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, there's just --
- 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:46,791 there's a lot of people. Family. You know?
- 00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:47,833 I get it.
- 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:48,876 -You're not mad? -Totally fine.
- 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,336 Bye.
- 00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,463 [ Wind whistling ]
- 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,051 [ Laughter ]
- 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,594 That -- Okay, none of my business
- 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,054 but he didn't even save Christmas in that story.
- 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,222 Oh, how dare you!
- 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,515 That doesn't mean I'm invested.
- 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:03,891 Tell your Christmas Rick story!
- 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,851 Step the hell back! Back!
- 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,399 [ Panting ]
- 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,150 You start teeing up a Rick Sanchez vignette,
- 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:14,944 and you'll be doing it through two holes.
- 00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,737 I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with this train.
- 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,072 Do you remember getting on it?
- 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,825 No. First thing I remember is...
- 00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,702 Tickets, please.
- 00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:26,914 So, why did you date Rick Sanchez?
- 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,374 What?
- 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,000 Oh, you don't have to pretend you didn't date him.
- 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:31,752 We all did. We get it.
- 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:35,297 Low point in your life, rebound from an ex, et cetera.
- 00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:36,632 No, really, who?
- 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,759 [ Chuckles ] Oh, exactly.
- 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,888 In fact, and get this, when he met <i>my</i> family...
- 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,348 -[ Wolf growling ] -Aah!
- 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:45,474 [ Grunting ]
- 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,852 Leah! Leah, check it out.
- 00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:48,978 Where'd you meet this, um...
- 00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,938 -[ Sighs ] -...sprite?
- 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,190 He's actually a human.
- 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:55,776 But he invented portal tech?
- 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,611 I am the concept of time.
- 00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:58,696 Jesus!
- 00:03:58,822 --> 00:03:59,989 I warned you not to do that.
- 00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,949 -I wasn't trying. -You don't have to.
- 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,284 The train is obviously amplifying
- 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,827 and linking unrelated narrative fields.
- 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,162 Uh-huh...
- 00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:07,913 Morty? I told you if you found me again,
- 00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:09,415 identify yourself.
- 00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:11,208 I didn't know it was you.
- 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:12,460 How did you not recognize me?
- 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:13,919 Didn't you create the disguises?
- 00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:15,796 When I create shit, it works, Morty.
- 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,006 It's called being talented.
- 00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:18,299 Why can't we find the engine?
- 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,426 It's not a real train, it's a story device.
- 00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,720 Literally. A literal literary device
- 00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,097 quite literally metaphorically containing us.
- 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,098 A simulation.
- 00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:27,600 Worse. An anthology.
- 00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:29,268 Okay, so how -- how do we hijack it?
- 00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:30,728 Oh, Morty, it's been hijacked
- 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,229 for at least two full minutes.
- 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,356 Are you not hearing this insane conversation?
- 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,901 Okay, Tickets Please Guy, stop the anthology.
- 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,986 If we wanted one-offs, we'd do Interdimensional Cable,
- 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,071 not some uptight, overwritten --
- 00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:42,615 -Rick? -God damn!
- 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:43,866 Tickets, please.
- 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,117 Dude, I'm sure you've got, like,
- 00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,952 so many tickets at this point.
- 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,330 Jesus! The Tickets Please guy is cut!
- 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,040 He -- he -- he's -- he's got those things.
- 00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:53,125 W-what do you call them. Uhm, cum gutters.
- 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,668 -Morty, gross! -That's what people call them.
- 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,253 Gross people. I don't want to have to picture
- 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,506 cum so watery in such volumes that --
- 00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,965 Hey, hey, hey, stay back.
- 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,509 I'll kick you. I-I'll kick your shin, bro.
- 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,135 -Aaah! -Hey!
- 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,387 I'll fuckin' cook and eat your ticket-taking ass.
- 00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,640 -[ Coughs ] -Hey, I found a ticket.
- 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,016 [ Coughs ]
- 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,477 Wow, you are just -- ladies and gentlemen,
- 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,395 the Jackie Chan of human shielding.
- 00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:14,772 Who takes the time to get this good at --
- 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:15,981 Fuck this.
- 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,608 -Aaah <i>-Structural breach.</i>
- 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:18,984 <i>Losing continuity.</i>
- 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,486 Morty, hold on to something.
- 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:21,487 Keep your head inside.
- 00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:22,696 Aaah!
- 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,865 [ Gasps ]
- 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,451 [ Video games beeping ]
- 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:28,786 Share with your sister, Josh.
- 00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:30,120 Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean
- 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,664 you can be an asshole.
- 00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,749 -You okay, Dad? -Is this real?
- 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,084 I doubt it, but you get what you get
- 00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,335 when you eat dinner in an arcade.
- 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:38,671 I mean are you real, is life real?
- 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,339 Okay, I'm calling the nurse because you are not
- 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:41,882 -doing this tonight. -You're God damn right
- 00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:44,051 -I'm not because -- -You are not doing this tonight!
- 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,386 This isn't real life!
- 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:46,804 -Dad? Oh, my God! -Honey. Sweetie.
- 00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:47,972 -What's happening? -Give me your tickets.
- 00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,390 I -- I need tickets.
- 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,726 Everyone give me tickeeeeeettttttts!
- 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,228 Aaaah!
- 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,856 Aaah!
- 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,693 FEMALE VOICE: <i>Emergency continuity deployed.</i>
- 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,069 [ Breathing heavily ]
- 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,487 [ Groans ]
- 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:06,991 -This could come in handy. -Can't we just ride out the --
- 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,450 Fuck you, I'd rather die.
- 00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:10,160 -[ Crashing ] -Train cops! Hands in the air!
- 00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:11,537 Tee up a story about Rick Sanchez!
- 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,038 -He <i>is</i> Rick! -Jesus Christ!
- 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,498 Is that the Tickets Please Guy?
- 00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:15,875 Well, just the stub.
- 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,209 -Too soon! -Too soon!
- 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,961 Don't move! Too soon!
- 00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:23,215 So, what did the Train Cops do wrong?
- 00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:24,884 Shot...people?
- 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,635 -Shot passengers. -Wrong.
- 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:28,762 The passengers tampered with the anthology's structure.
- 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,264 Lethal response was permitted,
- 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,600 but not with him holding that tank.
- 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,393 Let's take a look at what they should have done.
- 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,686 Train cops! Hands in the air!
- 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,021 -Drop the tank! -Drop it!
- 00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:38,606 Drop it! Drop the tank.
- 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,275 [ Applause ]
- 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,860 Sorry to nitpick, sir, but if there was
- 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,988 a continuity explosion, isn't there always one?
- 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:47,907 And doesn't that mean those two could be anywhere?
- 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,742 What? No, you idiot, that -- it's --
- 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,869 It's just a training video. That didn't actually happen.
- 00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:52,912 That's what you think.
- 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,580 Hey. How'd you get here?
- 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,165 Yeah, like we're the ones that popped up out of nowhere?
- 00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:57,166 Fuck these guys.
- 00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:59,335 [ Grunting ]
- 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,588 Hey, what the hell? Your leg is healed.
- 00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:04,298 Yeah, it's a real free-for-all.
- 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:05,841 Here we go.
- 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,384 Of course this thing is just a fucking circle.
- 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,094 You'd think it was so God damn complicated --
- 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,639 Okay, here's where the stupid vignettes were.
- 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,432 God, imagine if that had been the whole thing.
- 00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:17,311 So now we're here, and the engine must be here.
- 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,896 I'll have to rig us a couple of space suits
- 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:21,190 that start failing around here so we can
- 00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:22,483 [burps] pay a heavy price
- 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:23,901 for re-entering at this threshold.
- 00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,361 We have to leave the train?
- 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:26,987 We don't <i>have</i> to do anything, Morty.
- 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,572 This is just a structural guide.
- 00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,741 We're obviously gonna impart our own style.
- 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,159 I don't like how meta this is getting, Rick.
- 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,410 Shut up, Morty. You're 14.
- 00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:34,912 You watch videos of people on YouTube
- 00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,580 reacting to fucking YouTube.
- 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:37,831 I'll be the judge of when we get too meta.
- 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:38,958 Holy shit.
- 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,250 -How is he still breathing? -Aah!
- 00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:41,961 He's suspended in disbelief,
- 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,671 slowly dying while living out an alternative
- 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,005 non-diagetic reality.
- 00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:47,007 Geez, what a horrible way to die.
- 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,050 You don't know the half of it.
- 00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:49,718 -Oh! -[ Both laugh ]
- 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:51,553 You're on fuego with the guy-torn-in-half bits, Rick.
- 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:52,846 That one was organic, though.
- 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,431 That's because you're naturally funny.
- 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:55,683 That -- that's good old-fashioned fun
- 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,142 right there, you know?
- 00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:58,560 W-w-we don't need to over-think shit, okay?
- 00:07:58,687 --> 00:07:59,853 Okay, buddy. Nice and grounded,
- 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,188 fully immersive from here on out.
- 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,606 [ Rumbling ]
- 00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,233 -Right after this. -W-what's happening?
- 00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,567 Going into an act break.
- 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,153 ♪ Not quite a bird ♪
- 00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:10,155 ♪ Not quite a person ♪
- 00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:11,532 ♪ Maybe what matters ♪
- 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,993 ♪ Is to love yourself first and ♪
- 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:15,619 ♪ Soar ♪
- 00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:17,454 ♪ Child of air and land ♪
- 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,707 ♪ With wings and hands ♪
- 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,583 ♪ Yes, you're a bird and a person ♪
- 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,794 ♪ I'm a bird and a person ♪
- 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,671 BOTH: ♪ And more ♪
- 00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,464 Sure, that was a great moment,
- 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:28,549 but it was hardly the best time
- 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:29,675 Rick and Morty were musical.
- 00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,010 Who can forget the t--
- 00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,886 Hey. You guys think there's something weird
- 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,179 about this train?
- 00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,305 We've been here a really long time
- 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:36,515 and nobody's taken our tickets.
- 00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:37,766 Aaah!
- 00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:38,892 [ All screaming ]
- 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,437 Aaaah!
- 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:43,647 The galaxy's greatest scientists continue to ponder
- 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,442 the horrific figure known to children as Floaty Blood Man.
- 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:49,069 <i>But after three months, nobody</i> <i>is any closer to the truth.</i>
- 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:51,113 <i>For Cutesy Name News,</i> <i>I'm Uncle Nibbles.</i>
- 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,449 I can't believe Floaty Bloody Man is real.
- 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:55,576 He's more than real, he's my new god.
- 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,578 -Check it. -Is that brand-new,
- 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,580 -or is the blood just -- -Accurately depicted, yeah.
- 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:01,749 His followers believe the entire universe
- 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,667 is Floaty Bloody Man's nightmare as he dies
- 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,127 in a time-dilated reality.
- 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:06,587 So we could go at any minute.
- 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:09,048 No. I'm part of the Floaty Nogasm Brotherhood.
- 00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,507 We believe we're keeping him alive
- 00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:13,010 by redirecting our suppressed sexual energies.
- 00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,470 You're staying a virgin
- 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:17,056 just to keep the universe existing?
- 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,433 That's... so attractive.
- 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,642 It is?
- 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,728 Okay, look, let's just do it once.
- 00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:25,230 [ Moaning ]
- 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,442 Sorry.
- 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,944 Aaah!
- 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,446 -Happy now? -He was suffering.
- 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,822 Keep moving.
- 00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:35,365 We have to get to the return threshold
- 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:36,825 before the ticking clock on your suit gets to zero.
- 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,077 Why would you put ticking clock --
- 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,328 Because if it's too easy to get there,
- 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:40,954 we'll never get there.
- 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,790 If you don't want to be meta stop, deconstructing shit.
- 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,541 That's the thematic seal.
- 00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,168 Gotta find a way to disrupt it.
- 00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:49,171 Okay, Morty, tell a story unrelated to us.
- 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,340 -Uh, what do -- -Stop thinking and do it!
- 00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,425 Uh, okay, uh, there was this --
- 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,511 My name is Mike Johnson. That's good coffee.
- 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:56,512 [ Doorbell rings ]
- 00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,305 Better get that door.
- 00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,973 Iiiiiiii, hello.
- 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,308 I want your cookies.
- 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,684 I'm hungry, I want your cookies.
- 00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,144 Scorpions, scorpions.
- 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,271 There's scorpions outside. Get inside.
- 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:07,648 What do they want from us?
- 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,274 -They want food. -Me too.
- 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,400 RICK: Okay, just stop.
- 00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,111 I'm not a writer, okay?
- 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:13,946 Relax, your story was supposed to be awful and stupid.
- 00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,197 I just failed to predict how well
- 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:16,698 that would mesh with the theme.
- 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,033 Think. Think.
- 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,618 What kind of story would we never --
- 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,703 Morty, do you know what the Bechdel Test is?
- 00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,163 -The what? -For God's sake, Morty,
- 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:24,832 the formula for measuring female agency
- 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,875 in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist Allison --
- 00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:28,627 what the hell are they teaching you in that school?!
- 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:30,462 -Other stuff! -Then you've killed us both!
- 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:32,506 Why is lesbian part of her job title?!
- 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,882 Oh, now you're progressive?!
- 00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,551 -What is the test?! -You have to tell --
- 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:36,718 [ Beeping ]
- 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:38,929 [ Gagging ]
- 00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:41,098 Morty, Morty.
- 00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:43,642 Two women. They both have to have names
- 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,227 and talk to each other about something...
- 00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:46,687 Rick!
- 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,730 -...other than a man... -Oh, Rick, listen to me.
- 00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:51,400 Once upon a time, my mom and my sister...
- 00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:53,110 Listen to me!
- 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:56,196 Mom, can I try your tea?
- 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,031 Yes, Summer.
- 00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,658 Yes. Try my tea.
- 00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:02,035 It's so good. It's so warm.
- 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,163 Mom, can I talk to you
- 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,706 about my special time?
- 00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,916 It's okay. I have one, too.
- 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,126 Mine is heavy today.
- 00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:10,919 Mine is never light.
- 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,796 I love you ever since you were...
- 00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,089 mailed to me.
- 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,757 By a doctor woman.
- 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,259 Your special time is your power.
- 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,469 It makes you strong like a boob.
- 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:20,762 Strong against what?
- 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:22,848 Scorpions. Female Scorpions.
- 00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:24,975 They're attacking outside. Come on.
- 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,188 Fight them with your heavy special time.
- 00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:30,564 You do it, too.
- 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,692 [ Epic music plays ]
- 00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:37,779 [ Cellphones ring ]
- 00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:39,448 -Hello? -Hello?
- 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:42,284 I'm that Supreme Court lady, and you fucking did it.
- 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,536 -We did it! -We did it!
- 00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,124 [ Grunts ]
- 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,876 Great job, Morty.
- 00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:52,461 A feminist masterpiece.
- 00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:54,171 Hey, look.
- 00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,135 Guess who's got two penises and all the agency?
- 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,137 Rick and Morty.
- 00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:03,805 Story Lord.
- 00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,515 I should've known you were behind this, and I did.
- 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:06,808 -Who is this guy? -Ugh.
- 00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:08,810 He's like a Matrix Space Frasier.
- 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:09,978 Let's get this fight over with, nerd.
- 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,188 I've got shit to do.
- 00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:12,689 You of all people know, Rick,
- 00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:15,192 there can be no destination without a journey.
- 00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,402 I don't know that at all. I regularly teleport.
- 00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:20,155 Oh, of course. No rules for you.
- 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:21,865 Spiraling through the multiverse,
- 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:24,743 burping semi-improvised dialogue about how nothing matters,
- 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:27,329 so we may as well pull out our dicks and rub them
- 00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,998 on fate's glaring teeth like we're brushing fate's teeth
- 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,209 but we're using your gross, dirty dick.
- 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:33,418 Must be nice.
- 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:34,670 -[ Slurps ] -Nobody's stopping you.
- 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:36,838 True. Not anymore.
- 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:37,923 [ Grunts ]
- 00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,299 -Goddamn! -We already did this.
- 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,510 Oh, is this a double beat? Oh, well.
- 00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,428 Just how I adventure, dawg.
- 00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:44,596 This is more impressive than
- 00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:45,847 the Tickets Please Guy, though.
- 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,516 You are like 90% cum gutter.
- 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:50,727 It's called discipline. Watch this.
- 00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,479 -God damn. -Geez!
- 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,605 Do we have to fight him?
- 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:54,898 I don't want to.
- 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,441 We surrender. We're not fighting.
- 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:57,526 -[ Grunting ] -Ow!
- 00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:58,694 Ow!
- 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,404 Fucking kick your ass.
- 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:01,405 Ow!
- 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:02,823 Oh!
- 00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,033 -[ Alarm ringing ] -Hey! Get back in your egg!
- 00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:07,911 -What the -- -Don't worry, Morty!
- 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:08,954 Nothing out there is canon!
- 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,289 [ Grunts ]
- 00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,873 -We've got a pulse. -Stay with me, Private.
- 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,667 Smith, listen to me. You were exposed
- 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,711 to a chemical that is altering your mind.
- 00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:17,004 To beat it, you have to hold on --
- 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,088 We're losing him.
- 00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:19,756 Aliens. Sarge?!
- 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:22,217 Morty, never forget the highest truth of all --
- 00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:24,469 you're getting your ass kicked on a train.
- 00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:25,470 [ Grunts ]
- 00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:26,930 Professor Sanchez?
- 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:28,015 Did it work?
- 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,766 I wouldn't say that, Marcus.
- 00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:32,352 I'd say it fucking worked.
- 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:35,105 100% time dilation and total immersion.
- 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,565 -Define "total." -Marcus,
- 00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:38,358 I've been back in reality for three hours,
- 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,610 and I still have memories of a completely different life.
- 00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,571 I-I-I was a scientist still.
- 00:13:42,697 --> 00:13:44,364 I-I-I was -- I-I-I had developed
- 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:47,451 inter-dimensional travel, I-I-I-I had a daughter.
- 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,119 I-I didn't have a mustache.
- 00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:53,290 I-I was kinda funny sometimes, mostly burping.
- 00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:54,750 No more secret testing.
- 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,168 I can help people now.
- 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:57,377 You've helped people.
- 00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:58,670 I've hurt more.
- 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,088 Aaah!
- 00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:02,007 P-P-Professor Sanchez. I-I'm Morty Smith
- 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,592 from the -- the -- the the 241 st.
- 00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,093 They -- they -- put your pill in our food.
- 00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:06,720 -It -- it works. -Call the police!
- 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,513 It's okay. It's okay. It's not real.
- 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,182 N-n-n-n-nothing's real.
- 00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,391 I'm sorry, son.
- 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,226 I-i-it's okay. You aren't real.
- 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,020 [ All screaming ]
- 00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:17,814 God, you're right. I should do more freeform stuff.
- 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,941 -STORY LORD: In you go. -What's happening?
- 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,526 The reason I brought you here.
- 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,612 I'll now fuel my anthology with your
- 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,364 limitless potential, propelling it to
- 00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:28,658 its final stop -- beyond the fifth wall.
- 00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:33,205 You idiot. Our potential isn't limitless.
- 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:34,414 You'll never break the fifth wall
- 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:35,624 before you've burnt us out.
- 00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:38,377 Is that so? Oh, well. Win-win.
- 00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:39,669 Rick, w-what's he doing?
- 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:41,213 He's trying to tap into us, Morty.
- 00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:43,173 Resist.
- 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,384 I can't believe you're finally headed off to college.
- 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,802 Yeah, you know, it really felt like
- 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:48,303 you were gonna be 17 forever.
- 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,347 For, like, 16 years, at least.
- 00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:52,432 I can't believe I'm tearing up over this.
- 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,893 Jesus, Rick, you know, you've really softened up.
- 00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:56,478 It's a human moment, Morty.
- 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:58,188 It's a human moment.
- 00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,107 -Aaah! -Aaah! It hurts!
- 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,154 [ Crashing ]
- 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,156 Abradolph Lincoler? I thought you were dead.
- 00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:11,201 I'm very much alive, and I need your help.
- 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,661 Yeah!
- 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,079 Shit. He's taking the good stuff, Morty.
- 00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:15,789 Wait, is -- is any of this canon?
- 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:16,998 It could have been.
- 00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,708 [ Chuckles ] Oh, dear.
- 00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:21,711 Are there things Rick Sanchez holds sacred after all?
- 00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:22,796 [ Whirring ]
- 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,506 [ Both groaning ]
- 00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,093 [ Grunts ]
- 00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:29,594 How did you find us?
- 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,012 [ Grunting ]
- 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:32,389 I trusted you!
- 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,641 Don't blame others for your bad decisions.
- 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,393 [ Grunting ]
- 00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:38,854 Resist, Morty! Resist before he burns us out!
- 00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,564 Oh, too late now!
- 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:41,898 What's wrong, Rick?
- 00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,192 Don't you want to see how your story ends?!
- 00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:45,944 [ Laughs ]
- 00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:56,913 [ All shouting ]
- 00:15:57,874 --> 00:15:59,624 Holy shit, Rick. What do we --
- 00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:00,876 There -- there -- there's now way out!
- 00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:02,252 You're right, Morty.
- 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:03,962 Sometimes it does seem like there's no way out.
- 00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,422 Like it's hopeless.
- 00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:07,716 But remember, there's always someone there for us.
- 00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:09,050 Who?
- 00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:10,093 My best friend and personal savior,
- 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,511 Jesus Christ.
- 00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:12,888 What?! You -- you don't believe in God.
- 00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,389 But He believes in us, Morty.
- 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,224 You know, I thought <i>I</i> was the inventor,
- 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:17,476 but the greatest invention of all
- 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,060 is the free gift of Eternal Life.
- 00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:21,062 Is this -- are you fucking with me?
- 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,647 [ Chuckles ] Oh, trust me, Morty.
- 00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,566 I've done plenty of effed up stuff in my life.
- 00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:26,818 But it's never too late to accept Christ.
- 00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,403 Jesus is always knocking at the door.
- 00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:30,030 All we have to do is open it and let Him
- 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,281 -into our hearts. -How?
- 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,699 I'm so glad you asked, Morty.
- 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,826 Just close your eyes and go to Him in prayer.
- 00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,203 Like this.
- 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,954 -Heavenly Father. -Heavenly Father.
- 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,748 TOGETHER: Thank you for sending your only begotten son.
- 00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:41,750 What a second, no! What are you doing?!
- 00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:43,835 TOGETHER: Jesus, I accept you into my heart.
- 00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,212 No! This sucks.
- 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,088 Stop! You guys would never do this.
- 00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:48,507 TOGETHER: Fill me with your Spirit.
- 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,133 Make me a shining city on a hill for you.
- 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:51,927 -No! No! -TOGETHER: Make me born again.
- 00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,720 -No! -In Jesus' name, we pray.
- 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,138 -Amen. -Amen.
- 00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:56,723 -Amen! -You did it!
- 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,183 -Way to go, Morty! -Crossy.
- 00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,434 Bible-Saurus. You made it.
- 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,520 We wouldn't miss this for anything!
- 00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:02,812 You said it, Mr. Celery.
- 00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:04,773 What the fuck is all of this?!
- 00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:06,608 Greatest story ever told, Story Lord.
- 00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:08,485 No, it's not. It's awful!
- 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:10,028 [ Whooshing ]
- 00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:11,655 I beg your pardon?
- 00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:13,448 Ah!
- 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,200 Goddamn.
- 00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:17,118 -[ All gasping ] -My Lord and my God!
- 00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,662 -No! No! It sucks in here. -Let's get the fuck
- 00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,622 outta here. Go, now.
- 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:22,123 Ugh. We're safe, Morty.
- 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,792 Nobody ever wanted to see that shit.
- 00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:25,585 Wh-what's gonna happen to Story Lord?
- 00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:27,921 He gets to spend eternity in every writer's hell --
- 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,256 -the Bible. -I don't know.
- 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,132 Some people actually like that stuff.
- 00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,676 Seems kind of cynical.
- 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,302 I just don't like taking cheap shots, you know?
- 00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:36,096 Cheap shots? Morty, we were literally
- 00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,514 saved by Jesus Christ.
- 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,391 Tell me in any way how that's offensive.
- 00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,059 This was a little confusing,
- 00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,061 but I guess it brought us closer together, you know?
- 00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,563 Tested our demons.
- 00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,147 Made us believe in ourselves more than ever.
- 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:47,566 Yeah. You're right, Morty.
- 00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:49,317 We got all that meta-canon shit outta the way
- 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,069 and now we can just be ourselves.
- 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,779 Now what do you say we bring <i>this</i> train
- 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,489 into the station.
- 00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:06,418 Oh, shit.
- 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,003 MORTY: So what do you think?
- 00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:09,421 Wow. Where did you get this thing?
- 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:11,172 The Citadel of Ricks Gift Shop.
- 00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,758 Do you really like it? I didn't think you'd even care.
- 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,969 What? Morty. No. I love it.
- 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,679 You did the most important thing.
- 00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:19,055 You -- you bought something.
- 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:20,515 -What? -You bought something.
- 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:23,226 With money. God. I love money so much, Morty.
- 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,353 -Are you being sarcastic? -Merchandise, Morty.
- 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:28,023 Your only purpose in life is to buy and consume merchandise.
- 00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:29,649 And you did it. You went into a store --
- 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,444 an actual honest to God store -- and you bought something.
- 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,446 You didn't ask questions or raise ethical complaints.
- 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,406 You -- you just looked straight into the bleeding jaws
- 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,742 of capitalism and said "Yes, daddy, please."
- 00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:41,161 And I'm... I'm so proud of you.
- 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,537 I only wish you could've bought more.
- 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,040 I -- I love buying things so much, Morty.
- 00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:46,333 Rick, are -- are you --
- 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,709 do you need to go to the hospital?
- 00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,045 I love you, Morty. Give Grandpa a kiss.
- 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,880 Give -- give -- gimme -- give Grandpa a kiss.
- 00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:53,214 Lips if you want.
- 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:54,549 What-- whatever you're comfortable with.
- 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:55,842 Some cultures do that.
- 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,719 That was sweet. Thank you.
- 00:18:57,845 --> 00:19:00,180 I -- I love you. You're my little buddy.
- 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,848 Okay.
- 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,391 Let's watch some Interdimensional Cable.
- 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:05,518 [ Television clicks, static crackles ]
- 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,313 [ Train whistle blows ]
- 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,440 So you're saying my father
- 00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:11,941 and His kingdom...
- 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,819 Well, yes -- it's based on the fusion
- 00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:16,363 of a Sumerian god named "Ya"
- 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,157 and a Mesopotamian god named "Way."
- 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,618 And we're in a toy train?
- 00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,078 Yes.
- 00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:24,412 It's enough to really make you question
- 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,414 all of existence, isn't it?
- 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:28,917 So what do you think you're gonna do about it?
- 00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:32,128 I'm gonna do what I've always done.
- 00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,172 I'm gonna get the fuck outta here.
- 00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:38,760 Father of omens! Give me blood beyond sight!
- 00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:41,054 [ Crackling ]
- 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,764 Hey, what the fuck, Morty?
- 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:44,474 The train you got me just completely derailed itself.
- 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,017 There's blood all over the windows on it.
- 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,061 Oh, man, I'm sorry, Rick. I guess I'll return it.
- 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,479 Return -- Are you insane?
- 00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:50,647 Did you hear nothing I said?
- 00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:51,898 Buy another one, Morty.
- 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,483 Consume, Morty.
- 00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:55,485 Nobody's out there shopping with this fucking virus.
- 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,070 Where's your fucking wallet?!
- 00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,198 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:20:27,685 --> 00:20:29,185 RICK: <i>Tired of the same</i> <i>boring adventures</i>
- 00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,478 <i>with your dogshit Morty?</i>
- 00:20:30,604 --> 00:20:32,313 -Yeah! -Aw. Geez.
- 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,607 <i>Then get ready for the Citadel</i> <i>of Rick's Story Train.</i>
- 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,192 DEEP VOICE: <i>Story Train.</i> <i>Story Train.</i>
- 00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:37,777 RICK: <i>The Citadel of Rick's</i> <i>Story Train</i>
- 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,821 <i>comes with car after car</i> <i>of enemies, lovers,</i>
- 00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,322 <i>and Goomby, all grappling with</i>
- 00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:42,532 <i>the nature of who</i> <i>you truly are.</i>
- 00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:44,033 MORTY: Rick is a god! Tickets Please.
- 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,618 RICK: Whoa! Watch out! It's Story Lord!
- 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:46,953 Damn. He's jacked.
- 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,580 DEEP VOICE: <i>Pure cum gutter.</i>
- 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:50,373 RICK: <i>And of course, what</i> <i>story would be complete</i>
- 00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,083 <i>without the engineer of</i> <i>the Greatest Story Ever Told.</i>
- 00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:53,209 MORTY: Oh, Jesus Christ.
- 00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:54,502 JESUS: I have come not to judge
- 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,254 the world, but to save it.
- 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,006 RICK: <i>And the best part is,</i> <i>the fun never ends.</i>
- 00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,466 <i>Thanks to the Rick-patented</i> <i>anthology generator,</i>
- 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:00,925 <i>you'll never run out</i> <i>of new stories</i>
- 00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:02,135 <i>and people to tell them.</i>
- 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:03,553 -Are they alive? -RICK: <i>Of course.</i>
- 00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:04,929 <i>But not in any ways</i> <i>that matter.</i>
- 00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:06,431 DEEP VOICE: <i>They. Have. No. Souls.</i>
- 00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:07,766 <i>Puppets. Of. Fate.</i>
- 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,225 RICK: <i>The Story Train.</i>
- 00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,977 <i>Available now in</i> <i>The Citadel of Ricks.</i>
- 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,479 <i>Buy it ironically.</i> <i>Buy it sincerely. Just buy it.</i>
- 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:13,855 <i>Not buying it is an act</i> <i>of buying it.</i>
- 00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:15,106 <i>Buy it now. Look it up.</i> <i>It's real.</i>
- 00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:16,941 <i>www.story-train.com.</i>
- 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,902 <i>On the Internet. It's there.</i> <i>Buy it. Buy the train.</i>
- 00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:20,278 <i>We want you to buy the train.</i>