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Дитя риковеческое
Когда семья Смитов отправляется в поход, Рику звонит Гея, разумная планета, и сообщает, что она беременна его детьми. Рик неохотно забирает семью к Гее, где они становятся свидетелями рождения первого поколения детей. Рик отрицает, что он отец, но он и Бет строят передовой город для детей, чтобы они могли стать самодостаточной космической цивилизацией. Их система определения профессий для детей заканчивается тем, что «Бесполезников» выкидывают за пределы города. Между тем, Джерри берёт Морти и Саммер в поход в лес на Гее. Однако Саммер обвиняет Джерри в том, что он использует кемпинг как предлог, чтобы казаться важным. Обиженный, Джерри покидает лагерь, в то время как Морти и Саммер ищут Рика и Бет. В конце концов Джерри вступает в контакт с Бесполезниками, которых он воспитывает в примитивном племенном обществе, ненавидящем технологии. Морти и Саммер теряются и находят разбившийся космический корабль, который они ремонтируют, но не могут им управлять. Как раз когда Рик и Бет находятся на грани завершения своего проекта, Джерри ведёт против них свою армию Бесполезников. В то же время прибывает богоподобное существо по имени Реджи. Гея признаёт, что совершила ошибку, а Реджи — настоящий отец её детей. Реджи пытается взять на себя опеку над своими детьми, но Рик отказывается уступить. Реджи даёт Джерри силы, в то время как Рик даёт Бет продвинутое оружие, оставляя двоих сражаться друг с другом, в то время как Рик лично сражается с Реджи. Бет и Джерри заходят в тупик, а Рик почти побеждён Реджи. Реджи собирается убить Рика, но Морти и Саммер нечаянно врезаются на космическом корабле в голову Реджи, убивая его. Тело Реджи падает на Гею, разрушая город Рика и Бет и убивая многих её детей. Из-за удара Бет падает в расщелину, но её спасает Джерри. Разъярённая смертью Реджи и ущербом, нанесённым Риком, Гея преследует семью Смитов, оставляя выживших детей на произвол судьбы. Джерри признаёт, что хотел пойти в поход только для того, чтобы почувствовать себя важным, а Морти и Саммер извиняются за свою грубость. Рассерженный тем, что семья встала на сторону Джерри, Рик рассказывает о холодном воспитании детей Бет, рассказывая, что Морти и Саммер убили Реджи. В сцене после титров, когда Рик смотрит рекламу «Только планеты!», рекламирующую горячие, горячие планеты, Саммер ловит его на месте просмотра.
- 00:00:02,063 --> 00:00:05,712 Что за родители вырывают своих детей с весенних каникул на целую неделю?
- 00:00:05,737 --> 00:00:07,582 Я пропускаю нарко-тусу Майка Трискита.
- 00:00:07,607 --> 00:00:10,585 Вот. Он уже смотрит "Эйфорию" для предыгровой разминки.
- 00:00:10,610 --> 00:00:12,851 Предыгровой. Игры. Видеоигры.
- 00:00:12,876 --> 00:00:15,689 Да, да, наркота и видеоигры. Бедные дети.
- 00:00:15,714 --> 00:00:19,858 Вам нужно прокачаться и дунуть природного воздуха.
- 00:00:19,883 --> 00:00:21,398 Поверьте, штука полезная.
- 00:00:21,423 --> 00:00:23,730 А можно просто убить меня?
- 00:00:23,755 --> 00:00:24,896 Деда Рик, ты можешь убить что угодно.
- 00:00:24,921 --> 00:00:27,767 А вот и нет, Саммер. Мы будем жить "дикарём".
- 00:00:27,792 --> 00:00:29,198 А значит, без всякой сай-фай хренотени,
- 00:00:29,223 --> 00:00:31,157 - верно, Рик? - Ага.
- 00:00:35,046 --> 00:00:38,570 - Рик, это что, сай-фаевский звонок? - Заткнись, Джерри.
- 00:00:38,891 --> 00:00:40,754 Чёрт, я не знал, что у неё есть этот номер.
- 00:00:40,781 --> 00:00:43,268 Зачем ты строишь клетку Фарадея для блокировки сигнала?
- 00:00:43,295 --> 00:00:44,586 О боже, деда кого-то игнорит.
- 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:46,717 Никого я не игнорю. Эй, а ну отдай сюда, Саммер!
- 00:00:46,744 --> 00:00:49,421 "Рик. Прошу ответь. Я беременна"?!
- 00:00:49,448 --> 00:00:52,493 Боже мой, дедуля, пахарь-трахарь!
- 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:53,973 Я не пахарь-трахарь, Саммер!
- 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:55,317 Эти дети точно не мои.
- 00:00:55,345 --> 00:00:58,281 Ну и ну. Зато теперь мы знаем, почему Рик поехал с нами...
- 00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,683 чтобы убежать от своих ловеласных проблем.
- 00:00:59,708 --> 00:01:01,537 - Зачем ей врать? - Не знаю, милая.
- 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,967 Она зациклилась на том, что сделал Рик.
- 00:01:02,992 --> 00:01:06,041 Короче, эта-эта-эта история стара, как мой огромный пенис-динамит.
- 00:01:06,068 --> 00:01:07,117 Включите радио?
- 00:01:07,144 --> 00:01:08,811 Я не позволю тебе бросить этих детей,
- 00:01:08,838 --> 00:01:10,659 - как ты бросил меня! - Боже мой!
- 00:01:10,686 --> 00:01:12,934 Мы сейчас же пойдём к этой мамочке.
- 00:01:12,961 --> 00:01:16,046 - Что, прям вот сейчас? - Да, сейчас! Это приказ!
- 00:01:19,421 --> 00:01:20,463 Нет!
- 00:01:21,450 --> 00:01:23,612 Именно об этом я и говорил!
- 00:01:23,921 --> 00:01:27,364 Рик, ты понимаешь, что деньги за катание на тюбингах уже не вернуть?
- 00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:29,123 Расслабься, Джерри, мы туда и обратно,
- 00:01:29,150 --> 00:01:31,336 и потом ты сможешь вернуться к своему дебильному отпуску с семьёй,
- 00:01:31,361 --> 00:01:32,955 которой ты не нужен.
- 00:01:34,380 --> 00:01:36,532 Я ждал, что кто-то встанет на мою сторону,
- 00:01:36,681 --> 00:01:37,723 ну да ладно.
- 00:01:39,737 --> 00:01:40,780 Привет, Гея.
- 00:01:40,890 --> 00:01:44,001 Погоди. Дай-ка настрою переводчик с сейсмического на английский.
- 00:01:44,311 --> 00:01:45,840 Рик. Ты пришёл.
- 00:01:46,202 --> 00:01:48,368 - Г-где она? - Ты смотришь на неё.
- 00:01:48,432 --> 00:01:51,163 - Я-я-я-я-я не понимаю. - Разве не очевидно, Морти?
- 00:01:51,271 --> 00:01:52,833 Я трахнул планету!
- 00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:27,141 То есть, ты теперь просто ходишь и трахаешь планеты?
- 00:02:27,176 --> 00:02:29,086 Э-э-этим ты занимаешься, пока я в школе?
- 00:02:29,111 --> 00:02:30,967 Морти, я учёный. Я пробую всякое.
- 00:02:30,994 --> 00:02:33,431 Секс с живой планетой? Огромный шаг для человечества.
- 00:02:33,456 --> 00:02:35,895 Наконец-то мы пробили дно неплательщика алиментов.
- 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,143 - Здесь и произошло всё волшебство. - Гадость.
- 00:02:38,170 --> 00:02:41,299 Эй, Гея, детка, папочка Рик уже здесь.
- 00:02:41,326 --> 00:02:42,888 - В чём дело? - Дети.
- 00:02:42,916 --> 00:02:44,192 Цикл рождения. Сейчас.
- 00:02:44,219 --> 00:02:45,992 Ладно, сразу за дело.
- 00:02:47,965 --> 00:02:49,721 - Я есть! Я есть! - Господи боже.
- 00:02:49,748 --> 00:02:52,198 - Я есть! - Я есть!
- 00:02:52,809 --> 00:02:55,767 - Папа, сделай что-нибудь! Останови это! - По-твоему, я знаю как это остановить?
- 00:02:55,792 --> 00:02:57,297 Я думал, что она высрет яйцо.
- 00:02:59,373 --> 00:03:00,344 Классный отпуск, ребят.
- 00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:01,962 Как здорово смотреть на гейзер из человечков,
- 00:03:01,987 --> 00:03:03,752 а не ширяться микродозами с друзьями.
- 00:03:03,779 --> 00:03:06,334 Ещё на подходе. Детям. Нужен отец.
- 00:03:06,361 --> 00:03:08,565 Землетрясочка моя, напомни, насколько велика твоя орбита?
- 00:03:08,590 --> 00:03:10,597 Не хочу сказать, что ты ходишь налево, но...
- 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,028 Ты шутишь? Посмотри на них! Они - твоя копия.
- 00:03:13,055 --> 00:03:14,886 Ага, а змеи похожи на дилдаки, Бет.
- 00:03:14,913 --> 00:03:15,913 - К чему ты ведёшь? - Похожи?
- 00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:17,572 Даже если бы они были моими,
- 00:03:17,599 --> 00:03:20,193 хотя это не так, то лучший отец - эволюция.
- 00:03:20,221 --> 00:03:23,170 Возможно, у них появится твёрдая кожа или перепончатые руки.
- 00:03:23,197 --> 00:03:25,110 Было бы круто, да? Люди-летяги?
- 00:03:25,135 --> 00:03:27,524 Да, пап, такой подход отлично сработал со мной.
- 00:03:27,551 --> 00:03:29,024 Бет, я понимаю, как это выглядит со стороны, но поверь.
- 00:03:29,049 --> 00:03:31,618 Такова жизнь в галактике. Это нормально.
- 00:03:33,019 --> 00:03:35,104 Ладно, раз ты ничего не делаешь, то сделаю я.
- 00:03:35,470 --> 00:03:36,966 Что ж, вот и мой сюрприз!
- 00:03:37,147 --> 00:03:38,859 Я хотел, чтобы мы попрыгали на батуте
- 00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:40,498 - после первой пойманной рыбы. - Я!
- 00:03:40,523 --> 00:03:42,192 - Что? Ну и бред. - Я есть!
- 00:03:42,217 --> 00:03:44,071 - Я есть! Я есть! - Бет, это не поможет.
- 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,736 Не хочу соглашаться с Риком,
- 00:03:45,763 --> 00:03:47,062 но может, оставим всё, как есть?
- 00:03:47,087 --> 00:03:49,372 - У нас вообще-то отпуск. - Джерри, ты безработный!
- 00:03:49,399 --> 00:03:51,095 Ты каждый день в отпуске.
- 00:03:51,122 --> 00:03:52,874 - Обидно. - Вы делайте, что хотите.
- 00:03:52,901 --> 00:03:54,338 А я останусь здесь и всё исправлю.
- 00:03:54,365 --> 00:03:55,531 - Я есть! - Я есть!
- 00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:58,616 Чёрт возьми, Бет, если ты собралась это делать, то делай всё правильно.
- 00:03:58,641 --> 00:04:01,133 Гея, детка, мне нужно немного железной руды и пара.
- 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,161 Всё, что пожелаешь, малыш.
- 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,676 - Зашибись поход. - Нет.
- 00:04:12,703 --> 00:04:14,001 Мы идём в поход.
- 00:04:14,028 --> 00:04:16,193 Вон там деревья. Мы на твёрдой земле.
- 00:04:16,218 --> 00:04:18,642 - Мама! - Саммер, Морти, идите на природу с отцом.
- 00:04:18,670 --> 00:04:20,035 - Твою мать! - Твою мать!
- 00:04:20,063 --> 00:04:21,868 - Я есть! - Я есть!
- 00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,202 Что ж, значит, никаких брошенок.
- 00:04:26,247 --> 00:04:27,611 Пап, давай вернёмся
- 00:04:27,636 --> 00:04:29,096 к пластилиновым человечкам дедушки.
- 00:04:29,121 --> 00:04:31,714 С чего? Потому что у них есть Сега Дримкаст?
- 00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:34,145 Почему вам двоим так трудно принять природу?
- 00:04:34,170 --> 00:04:36,246 Потому что это полная хрень. Отдых на природе всё равно что
- 00:04:36,271 --> 00:04:37,903 быть бездомным попрошайкой без мелочи.
- 00:04:37,930 --> 00:04:39,987 Именно этот настрой и привёл нас сюда.
- 00:04:40,012 --> 00:04:42,120 Вы и двух секунд не протянете сами по себе.
- 00:04:42,145 --> 00:04:43,726 Вы счастливы, только когда сидите в четырёх стенах,
- 00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:46,871 или когда вас обкалывают, как кур или лемуров.
- 00:04:47,070 --> 00:04:49,202 Эй! Я же сказал никаких телефонов!
- 00:04:49,229 --> 00:04:50,471 Тут даже сеть не ловит.
- 00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:52,139 Просто... дай нам порадоваться минутку.
- 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,330 Вот если бы вы перестали ныть
- 00:04:54,355 --> 00:04:56,134 и дали своему старику бразды правления,
- 00:04:56,159 --> 00:04:58,254 то, возможно, чему-нибудь бы и научились.
- 00:04:59,262 --> 00:05:01,569 Вот. Попробуйте эту вкуснятинку.
- 00:05:01,609 --> 00:05:03,944 Думаешь, что жареные зефирки делают тебя особенным?
- 00:05:03,969 --> 00:05:05,946 Потому что лет в 10
- 00:05:05,971 --> 00:05:07,291 кто-то сказал тебе "молодец"?
- 00:05:07,318 --> 00:05:09,884 Жалкое зрелище, пап. Давай начистоту.
- 00:05:09,909 --> 00:05:11,226 Ты безостановочно порицал нас,
- 00:05:11,253 --> 00:05:13,020 вынуждая сидеть без дела посреди грёбанной
- 00:05:13,045 --> 00:05:14,284 глухомани, потому что только так
- 00:05:14,309 --> 00:05:15,890 ты можешь уровнять правила, да?
- 00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:17,827 Ведь если ты опустишь планку пониже,
- 00:05:17,852 --> 00:05:20,489 то, возможно, сойдёшь за что-то стоящее!
- 00:05:22,897 --> 00:05:24,506 Я, пожалуй, пройдусь.
- 00:05:28,815 --> 00:05:31,836 Боже мой. Завязывай тусоваться с Риком.
- 00:05:36,591 --> 00:05:39,831 Если мы перенаправим производство адвокатов, то они минуют трубу
- 00:05:39,858 --> 00:05:41,644 нравственности и станут достаточно мягкотелыми для своей работы.
- 00:05:41,669 --> 00:05:43,442 Да. Погоди, а почему атлеты
- 00:05:43,469 --> 00:05:44,624 проходят через сектор интровертов?
- 00:05:44,649 --> 00:05:46,569 Чтобы чмырить математиков,
- 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:49,591 - после чего мы получим астрономов. - Какой же ты задрот по космосу.
- 00:05:49,618 --> 00:05:51,661 Я не задрот. Бет, мы воспитываем общество.
- 00:05:51,686 --> 00:05:53,071 Если мы хотим от них самостоятельности,
- 00:05:53,096 --> 00:05:54,640 они должны выбраться в космос.
- 00:05:55,243 --> 00:05:56,909 Цикл рождения. В процессе.
- 00:05:56,936 --> 00:05:59,333 Приняли, Геюшка! Пуляй их прямо по центру!
- 00:06:11,150 --> 00:06:13,251 КРУГЛАЯ ЗЕМЛЯ. ПЛОСКАЯ ЗЕМЛЯ. СРЕДНЯЯ ЗЕМЛЯ.
- 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,411 Переизбыток учителей
- 00:06:15,436 --> 00:06:17,070 увеличивает нагрузку на литературный привод.
- 00:06:17,095 --> 00:06:18,930 Включаю преобразователь драматургов.
- 00:06:20,409 --> 00:06:23,387 Молодец, милая. Так, терапевты заскучали. Надо увеличить объёмы
- 00:06:23,412 --> 00:06:25,919 - порно с инцестом. - Двадцати процентов было мало?
- 00:06:26,310 --> 00:06:28,588 - Что это за хрень? - Бесполезники. Чёрт возьми!
- 00:06:28,615 --> 00:06:30,635 - Почему их так много? - Бесполезники?
- 00:06:30,662 --> 00:06:32,767 Да, диджеи, гурманы, инфлюенсеры.
- 00:06:32,794 --> 00:06:34,653 Буду гонять их по кругу, пока...
- 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,847 Вот сука, они проделали дыру в отделе кадров!
- 00:06:37,874 --> 00:06:40,126 - Ты уволен! Уже сокращение? - Это пойдёт в твоё досье.
- 00:06:42,463 --> 00:06:45,025 Пап, надо всё исправить. Мы не сможем постоянно перерабатывать их.
- 00:06:45,050 --> 00:06:47,090 Можно пойти на хитрость и сделать онлайн-колледж.
- 00:06:47,117 --> 00:06:49,280 Либо выкинуть их через заднюю трубу.
- 00:06:49,305 --> 00:06:50,390 - Одна фигня. - Одна фигня.
- 00:06:50,582 --> 00:06:53,086 Возможно, эти дети не мои, но ты точно моя.
- 00:06:53,111 --> 00:06:55,693 Ты глянь на себя, владыка стимпанковая.
- 00:06:57,991 --> 00:06:59,039 Вряд ли он вернётся.
- 00:06:59,066 --> 00:07:00,594 Знаешь, а ты... ты его сильно задела, Саммер.
- 00:07:00,619 --> 00:07:02,180 Ну, а он назвал меня лемуром.
- 00:07:02,207 --> 00:07:03,198 Давай поищем дедушку.
- 00:07:03,267 --> 00:07:05,070 Может, он отправит нас домой через портал.
- 00:07:05,097 --> 00:07:07,017 - Оставим записку? - Ничего с ним не будет.
- 00:07:07,044 --> 00:07:08,323 Наверное, он сейчас отсасывает у дерева
- 00:07:08,348 --> 00:07:10,511 и шикарно проводит время.
- 00:07:12,376 --> 00:07:14,545 Как кидать камушки вы, наверно, тоже не хотите знать.
- 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:53,483 БЕСПОЛЕЗНИКИ
- 00:08:01,167 --> 00:08:03,182 ЗОНА ПРИЁМА ГОСТЕЙ СВОБОДНЫЙ ВЫГУЛ
- 00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:05,710 Вы кто такие?
- 00:08:05,799 --> 00:08:08,944 Мы... бесполезники.
- 00:08:09,026 --> 00:08:10,620 Понятно.
- 00:08:11,005 --> 00:08:12,496 Очередная хрень.
- 00:08:16,707 --> 00:08:18,114 Что это?
- 00:08:18,524 --> 00:08:21,494 Это? Это поход.
- 00:08:21,522 --> 00:08:23,458 Поход? О.
- 00:08:23,485 --> 00:08:24,528 Поход!
- 00:08:24,589 --> 00:08:26,773 Поход! Поход! Поход!
- 00:08:26,809 --> 00:08:29,729 Как разобраться в новом ремесле?
- 00:08:29,963 --> 00:08:32,362 Люди валяются на земле.
- 00:08:32,388 --> 00:08:36,558 Но если это весело, то куролесить будем мы.
- 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:42,992 В поход. Идём в поход.
- 00:08:43,018 --> 00:08:48,127 Ты хочешь в поход? Скорей в поход.
- 00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:54,514 И если был ты в походе, всё равно пойдём в поход.
- 00:08:54,572 --> 00:08:56,623 Ты уху ел?
- 00:08:56,719 --> 00:08:58,936 Молодец, Тик Так. Cтрогай дальше.
- 00:08:58,963 --> 00:09:02,194 Невероятно. У тебя почти получился дым, Флорфлок.
- 00:09:02,281 --> 00:09:04,832 Вот так, ребята! Шевелите булками.
- 00:09:04,860 --> 00:09:06,507 Вот он, дух лагеря.
- 00:09:06,656 --> 00:09:08,183 Какого... Скуиб!
- 00:09:08,210 --> 00:09:09,542 Это не палатка.
- 00:09:09,567 --> 00:09:11,506 Это новый вид палатки
- 00:09:11,533 --> 00:09:14,944 со специальными водостоками для дождя и с дверью.
- 00:09:14,969 --> 00:09:17,274 Это дом! Никаких домов!
- 00:09:17,301 --> 00:09:19,888 Никаких дверей! С дверью появляется дом.
- 00:09:19,915 --> 00:09:23,394 И тебе уже не хочется отдыхать на природе.
- 00:09:23,456 --> 00:09:25,344 Тогда почему они не в походе?
- 00:09:26,651 --> 00:09:28,325 Потому что они плохие.
- 00:09:28,586 --> 00:09:32,448 Плохие. Плохие. Плохие.
- 00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:34,468 Боже мой. Кажется, папа был прав.
- 00:09:34,493 --> 00:09:36,223 Мы не приспособлены к жизни.
- 00:09:36,250 --> 00:09:38,327 Я точно выпил больше мочи, чем помню.
- 00:09:38,355 --> 00:09:39,824 Я лучше присяду.
- 00:09:39,851 --> 00:09:42,205 Если сдохну, то не ешь мою жопу. Это было бы странно.
- 00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:43,794 Саммер?
- 00:09:48,726 --> 00:09:51,671 Блин, как думаешь, может, они заражены мозговым слизнем?
- 00:09:51,696 --> 00:09:54,465 Может, они пролетели через туманность, и увидели свои страхи?
- 00:09:58,144 --> 00:10:00,600 Ух ты! Эти кнопки
- 00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:02,877 прямо как на моём геймпаде.
- 00:10:02,958 --> 00:10:05,321 Жаль, что я не понимаю символы.
- 00:10:08,505 --> 00:10:10,501 Это похоже на бонг Триши.
- 00:10:11,699 --> 00:10:15,095 Морти, кажется в этих трубках содержится всё их коллективное знание.
- 00:10:20,671 --> 00:10:22,224 - Мм! - Ну что?
- 00:10:22,941 --> 00:10:24,627 Думаю, всё ништяк, бро.
- 00:10:26,265 --> 00:10:28,853 - Бет, окажешь честь? - Что? Правда? Ух ты.
- 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,063 Ладно, давай.
- 00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:31,131 КОРАБЛЬ "СПАСЕНИЕ"
- 00:10:32,373 --> 00:10:34,343 Если бы шесть дней назад ты сказала мне, что я буду
- 00:10:34,368 --> 00:10:36,696 отправлять в космос корабль со своими полукаменными детьми,
- 00:10:36,721 --> 00:10:38,025 я бы сказал, что ты спятила.
- 00:10:38,145 --> 00:10:40,387 Но, наверное, в этом весь урок... когда вкладываешься в работу,
- 00:10:40,412 --> 00:10:42,269 происходят безумные вещи. Вздрогнем.
- 00:10:43,537 --> 00:10:45,272 Ну бляха, Дупнар! Спойте что-нибудь.
- 00:10:46,811 --> 00:10:48,028 Отличный тост, пап.
- 00:10:48,055 --> 00:10:50,627 - Спасибо, милая. - Блин, послушай, как поют.
- 00:10:50,689 --> 00:10:52,071 Это точно твои дети?
- 00:10:52,098 --> 00:10:53,699 А ты слышала, как я пою в караоке?
- 00:10:53,726 --> 00:10:55,768 В-в своём диапазоне я довольно неплох,
- 00:10:55,793 --> 00:10:57,401 как тот мужик, который сочинил тему для "Короля Льва".
- 00:10:57,426 --> 00:10:59,361 Забыл имя. Он ещё странно одевается.
- 00:11:00,954 --> 00:11:04,050 Только посмотри. Все счастливы. Они сейчас полетят в космос.
- 00:11:04,077 --> 00:11:06,161 Я знаю, что у нас с тобой не всегда всё было гладко,
- 00:11:06,186 --> 00:11:08,069 но из нас выходит хорошая команда.
- 00:11:08,505 --> 00:11:10,771 Рик? Мы можем поговорить?
- 00:11:10,798 --> 00:11:12,522 У нас с дочерью сейчас важный момент.
- 00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:14,789 Поговори с ней, пап. Гея тоже заслуживает внимания.
- 00:11:14,817 --> 00:11:17,375 - Это же твои дети. - Я как раз об этом.
- 00:11:18,538 --> 00:11:21,676 Пэм! Как я рад тебя видеть, детка.
- 00:11:21,704 --> 00:11:24,258 Гея? Ты его знаешь?
- 00:11:24,285 --> 00:11:26,174 Ха! Ты зовёшь её Гея?
- 00:11:26,199 --> 00:11:27,968 - Ну и лажа. - Это...
- 00:11:28,345 --> 00:11:30,191 - бог? - Рик. Дети.
- 00:11:30,218 --> 00:11:32,619 Я всё перепутала. Отец не ты.
- 00:11:32,644 --> 00:11:34,721 Малыши! Папа уже здесь!
- 00:11:34,746 --> 00:11:36,647 Я насылаю туман.
- 00:11:36,674 --> 00:11:38,533 Почувствуйте моё присутствие сквозь туман.
- 00:11:39,798 --> 00:11:41,378 Бет! Не трожь эту херню!
- 00:11:42,122 --> 00:11:44,362 Да ты шутишь. Их отец это бог?
- 00:11:44,387 --> 00:11:46,315 Без обид, лады?
- 00:11:46,342 --> 00:11:49,867 Мы думали, что они твои, потому что... ну, они ж такие мелкие.
- 00:11:49,894 --> 00:11:52,164 Ничего себе. Без обид. С-слыхала, Бет?
- 00:11:52,191 --> 00:11:54,576 Мы воспитали его цивилизацию,
- 00:11:54,603 --> 00:11:57,105 а он объявляется и говорит, что прощает нас. Халявщик хренов!
- 00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:59,202 Не вынуждай меня, козёл!
- 00:11:59,269 --> 00:12:01,581 Рик, думаю, тебе лучше уйти.
- 00:12:01,608 --> 00:12:04,241 Ты серьёзно? Хочешь, чтобы эта кучка сухого льда
- 00:12:04,268 --> 00:12:07,434 - воспитывала твоих детей? - Не веди себя так, будто хорошо управился.
- 00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:10,602 Ты сделал моих детей мягкими и пустыми изнутри.
- 00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:12,916 Этот город воздвигнут в честь ничего!
- 00:12:12,943 --> 00:12:14,180 Где их вера?
- 00:12:14,207 --> 00:12:15,318 Реджи прав.
- 00:12:15,346 --> 00:12:17,729 Дети ещё не готовы улететь.
- 00:12:17,756 --> 00:12:21,028 - Он даст большее. - Пап, может просто свалим?
- 00:12:21,055 --> 00:12:23,494 По крайней мере, он бессмертный и останется с ними.
- 00:12:23,521 --> 00:12:25,387 Да хрен там! Это мои дети! Мы остаёмся!
- 00:12:25,414 --> 00:12:27,175 Плохие! Плохие! Плохие!
- 00:12:27,202 --> 00:12:29,986 Видишь? Вот об этом дерьме я и говорю.
- 00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,764 Джерри? Боже мой!
- 00:12:32,791 --> 00:12:34,865 Это ты? Что за хрень тут творится?
- 00:12:34,892 --> 00:12:37,206 - Поход. - Ух ты, Джерри наконец нашёл своих людей.
- 00:12:37,233 --> 00:12:39,069 Всего-то нужен был мусоросборник поглубже.
- 00:12:39,096 --> 00:12:41,609 Ты обозвал этих существ "бесполезниками",
- 00:12:41,634 --> 00:12:43,909 но я наделил их жизни смыслом, как никогда ранее.
- 00:12:43,934 --> 00:12:45,944 Они что, заполняют твои бумаги на пособие по безработице?
- 00:12:45,969 --> 00:12:48,276 У него острый язык, но строгать он не может.
- 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,284 Великая Жизнь Дикарём уже наступила.
- 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:53,877 Вы присоединитесь к Единой Семье в её Вечном Отпуске.
- 00:12:53,904 --> 00:12:57,341 Либо же станете угольками, над которыми мы держим зефирки
- 00:12:57,368 --> 00:12:59,120 на правильном расстоянии.
- 00:12:59,147 --> 00:13:02,530 Пятнадцать сантиметров! До золотистой корочки!
- 00:13:02,557 --> 00:13:04,241 Смотри не сожги!
- 00:13:04,268 --> 00:13:06,327 Сажа - это вредно!
- 00:13:08,510 --> 00:13:09,384 Что происходит?
- 00:13:09,411 --> 00:13:11,949 Дети мои, я дарую вам свою силу.
- 00:13:11,974 --> 00:13:14,182 Пользуйтесь ей, чтобы взять то, что ваше по праву.
- 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,583 Вот пидрила! Поднять стены!
- 00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:22,957 Стены не остановят нас, Рик. Мы избранные.
- 00:13:22,984 --> 00:13:24,027 Ша-бум-бум!
- 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,229 Простите! Простите!
- 00:13:26,256 --> 00:13:27,947 Я пока ещё не разобрался.
- 00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,106 Крутые у тебя избранные, божок-лошок.
- 00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:31,937 Тут ты, наверное скажешь, что "пути господни
- 00:13:31,962 --> 00:13:33,506 - неисповедимы". - Давай выйдем, бро?
- 00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:36,682 - Я тебе сам жопу надеру. - Чувак, не дразнись.
- 00:13:36,709 --> 00:13:39,868 Когда я с тобой закончу, твой народ тебе хлебало по кусочкам собирать будет.
- 00:13:39,895 --> 00:13:43,034 Парни, прошу, только не перед детьми.
- 00:13:44,347 --> 00:13:46,391 Ты серьёзно думал меня поджарить?
- 00:13:46,455 --> 00:13:48,297 Сири, вычисли источник силы.
- 00:13:49,781 --> 00:13:51,269 Вот ты и попался, сукин сын.
- 00:13:51,296 --> 00:13:53,819 Милая, разделайся с хиппи. А я займусь подделкой на Иегову.
- 00:13:53,846 --> 00:13:56,184 - Надери ему жопу, пап! - Узри.
- 00:14:02,226 --> 00:14:04,995 Теперь ты увидел меня настоящего.
- 00:14:05,022 --> 00:14:08,880 Облака принимали форму, которая больше нравится разуму Геи.
- 00:14:08,907 --> 00:14:11,055 Ясен хрен. Любая форма будет привлекательней этой.
- 00:14:11,082 --> 00:14:12,939 Как будто Кид Рок трахнул Зевса.
- 00:14:13,151 --> 00:14:14,863 Ты думаешь, что я буду драться с тобой в таком виде?
- 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:17,085 Ты ростом как четыре Эмпайр Стэйт Билдинга.
- 00:14:17,179 --> 00:14:18,910 Ну ладно, сучара.
- 00:14:19,534 --> 00:14:20,577 Погнали.
- 00:14:41,154 --> 00:14:42,291 Ха-ха! Нравится?
- 00:14:42,318 --> 00:14:44,092 Приготовься к боли.
- 00:15:06,792 --> 00:15:10,663 Так... а последняя, наверное...
- 00:15:11,379 --> 00:15:12,586 ...кнопка запуска.
- 00:15:12,613 --> 00:15:14,217 Отлично. Кажется, мы готовы.
- 00:15:14,244 --> 00:15:16,334 Давай покажем маме и папе, что такое
- 00:15:16,361 --> 00:15:18,215 видеоигры и вечеринки.
- 00:15:26,329 --> 00:15:28,147 Господи боже, это были крылья?
- 00:15:30,227 --> 00:15:31,907 Тут вообще не как в игре.
- 00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:33,304 Боже, останови его! Останови!
- 00:15:33,329 --> 00:15:37,142 - Как его остановить? - Не знаю. Я в говнину.
- 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,202 Блин, я теперь тоже в говнину.
- 00:15:47,585 --> 00:15:49,523 - Джерри, довольно. - Привет, детка.
- 00:15:49,550 --> 00:15:52,149 Нравятся кары небесные, которые я насылаю на ваши задницы?
- 00:15:52,176 --> 00:15:54,078 Нет, это полная хрень. Когда твоя армия
- 00:15:54,105 --> 00:15:56,497 на стороне болезни - это не очень хороший знак.
- 00:15:56,524 --> 00:15:59,912 Извини, что мы недостаточно современные, чтобы разделять людей по важности,
- 00:15:59,937 --> 00:16:02,560 а неудачников высирать из жопной трубки.
- 00:16:04,511 --> 00:16:07,517 Признай, что ты просто хочешь быть нужным.
- 00:16:07,902 --> 00:16:09,879 Говорит женщина, которая сдала свою семью
- 00:16:09,904 --> 00:16:12,376 за каплю одобрения отца-алкаша.
- 00:16:12,401 --> 00:16:14,206 Возможно, он пьёт, потому что
- 00:16:14,233 --> 00:16:16,921 - быть сильнее бога не так-то просто. - Ну, раз тебе так нравится
- 00:16:16,948 --> 00:16:18,687 божья сила, то зажигай свечи
- 00:16:18,714 --> 00:16:21,692 и включай Билли Оушена, потому что Моисей пришёл домой
- 00:16:21,719 --> 00:16:23,883 и готов раздвигать море!
- 00:16:23,911 --> 00:16:25,219 Ша-Бум-Бум!
- 00:16:29,347 --> 00:16:30,715 Черт! Ладно, ладно, хватит.
- 00:16:30,742 --> 00:16:32,741 - Давай, сучара! - Всё, ты победил.
- 00:16:32,768 --> 00:16:34,256 Мне пофиг на детей.
- 00:16:34,283 --> 00:16:35,958 Поджарь их, сделай из них послушных овечек.
- 00:16:35,983 --> 00:16:37,536 Только не трогай город, ладно?
- 00:16:37,593 --> 00:16:38,725 Мы построили его с дочерью.
- 00:16:38,752 --> 00:16:41,569 - Он важен для неё. - Нет, братан. Я же Зевс.
- 00:16:41,596 --> 00:16:43,700 Я могу буквально всё.
- 00:16:43,727 --> 00:16:46,551 Ты думаешь, я стану воспитывать детей?
- 00:16:46,578 --> 00:16:50,543 Единственный урок, который они усвоят - это страх.
- 00:16:50,571 --> 00:16:53,237 И, похоже, занятия уже кончились, сука.
- 00:16:53,264 --> 00:16:55,494 - Т-ты хотел сказать, что начались? - Что?
- 00:16:55,521 --> 00:16:57,389 - О чём это ты? - Если ты хотел преподать им урок страха,
- 00:16:57,414 --> 00:16:59,808 а потом задушить меня, то занятия должны начаться.
- 00:16:59,835 --> 00:17:01,856 Ладно. Занятия начались, сука.
- 00:17:04,798 --> 00:17:06,389 Что за нахрен?
- 00:17:12,329 --> 00:17:14,558 Мы мертвы? М-мы сдохли?
- 00:17:14,585 --> 00:17:17,172 Я больше не хочу быть под кайфом. Я напугалась до чёртиков.
- 00:17:17,197 --> 00:17:19,902 - Вот что значит перебрала. - Капец, папа был прав.
- 00:17:19,929 --> 00:17:21,279 Мы... мы думаем, что знаем всё,
- 00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:22,989 но может это мы - отстой?
- 00:17:25,024 --> 00:17:26,278 Деточки, вы, блин, мои герои!
- 00:17:26,305 --> 00:17:28,839 Вы спасли дедушке жизнь! Как же я вас, сука, люблю!
- 00:17:28,866 --> 00:17:29,918 - Папенька! - Папенька!
- 00:17:29,945 --> 00:17:31,285 Мы играли в игры и накурились! Мы поступили неправильно!
- 00:17:31,310 --> 00:17:33,837 - Неправильно! - Эй, эй, эй, эй, эй, козявочки мои.
- 00:17:33,864 --> 00:17:36,942 Успокойтесь. Дети, вы сделали всё круто,
- 00:17:36,969 --> 00:17:39,699 всё как надо. Дуть и играть в видеоигры - это лучшая фигня на свете,
- 00:17:39,724 --> 00:17:41,163 - богом клянусь! - Но мама и папа
- 00:17:41,188 --> 00:17:43,043 - сильно рассердятся. - Слушайте, да нет.
- 00:17:43,070 --> 00:17:45,601 На хер ваших предков. Ваши родаки - та ещё сволота.
- 00:17:45,628 --> 00:17:47,664 Дуть и играть в видеоигры это ништяк,
- 00:17:47,691 --> 00:17:49,560 и я ни за что вас не сдам, никогда.
- 00:17:49,587 --> 00:17:51,079 А теперь пора валить отсюда, пока этот мужик
- 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,140 не свалился с неба. Он вырабатывает ионное облако
- 00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:55,012 из собственного вероучения. Чёрт подери, Саммер,
- 00:17:55,037 --> 00:17:59,212 ты что курила эту фигню? Ты по сути вдыхала тормозную жидкость. Господи.
- 00:18:01,677 --> 00:18:02,875 Мм, да.
- 00:18:08,547 --> 00:18:10,891 Всё кончено, Бет. Скажи своим людям опустить стены
- 00:18:10,919 --> 00:18:12,833 и взять с собой влагоотводящие футболки.
- 00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:14,478 Поберегись!
- 00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:23,076 Джерри!
- 00:18:23,104 --> 00:18:26,643 - Бет! Держись! - Я сейчас упаду!
- 00:18:29,049 --> 00:18:30,715 - Джерри. - Скуиб?
- 00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:33,341 Вспомни зефирки, Джерри.
- 00:18:33,931 --> 00:18:36,632 - Ай! Ты мне руку проткнул! - Прости! Прости!
- 00:18:39,572 --> 00:18:41,353 Может... может любовью займёмся?
- 00:18:41,380 --> 00:18:43,489 Джерри, я тебя люблю, но я прямо отсюда
- 00:18:43,514 --> 00:18:45,834 - чую твои немытые яйца. - Ого.
- 00:18:45,861 --> 00:18:48,622 В следующий раз попроси господа о наводнении. Заодно и помоешься.
- 00:18:48,915 --> 00:18:50,081 Понял.
- 00:18:50,772 --> 00:18:52,588 О боже, это... вот бедолага.
- 00:18:52,615 --> 00:18:54,071 Ты ведь не расскажешь маме и папе?
- 00:18:54,098 --> 00:18:56,535 Расслабься, это просто Зевс. С настоящим богом
- 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,325 была бы совсем другая история.
- 00:18:59,580 --> 00:19:01,807 Рик! Что ты наделал?
- 00:19:01,834 --> 00:19:03,311 В основном гравитация постаралась.
- 00:19:03,339 --> 00:19:06,587 - То есть по сути ты. - Я просила тебя уйти!
- 00:19:06,614 --> 00:19:08,500 А ещё ты попросила воспитать твоих детей.
- 00:19:08,527 --> 00:19:10,613 Ты не пробовала для начала определиться с выбором?
- 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,517 Ты убил их отца!
- 00:19:12,544 --> 00:19:14,639 Отцом он был или нет, но он точно был лживым куском говна.
- 00:19:14,664 --> 00:19:16,377 Мне плевать, кто ещё вспахивал твои поля,
- 00:19:16,415 --> 00:19:17,751 но объявился-то я.
- 00:19:17,797 --> 00:19:20,095 Если хочешь, то я могу смыть его кишки с башни,
- 00:19:20,122 --> 00:19:23,071 - и тогда может... - Проваливай!
- 00:19:23,098 --> 00:19:24,266 Ладно, она разозлилась.
- 00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:27,396 Дедуля, ты же убил её хахаля. Я её не виню.
- 00:19:41,275 --> 00:19:44,653 Видишь? Поджигаешь дрова огненной палкой и вуяля.
- 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,431 - Костёр. - Ты знал об этом всё это время?
- 00:19:47,458 --> 00:19:49,314 Не буду тратить время на строительство ковчега,
- 00:19:49,339 --> 00:19:51,888 но если мама станет приставучей, то воспользуйтесь этим, чтобы свалить.
- 00:19:51,913 --> 00:19:54,539 Больше ничего не скажешь детям перед уходом?
- 00:19:54,566 --> 00:19:56,967 Ах, да, денег не дам.
- 00:19:59,810 --> 00:20:03,932 Гея ведь не натравит на нас своих детей?
- 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,878 Наверняка натравит.
- 00:20:05,903 --> 00:20:07,738 Я поставил маячок на их корабль и взорву его, если они будут рядом.
- 00:20:07,763 --> 00:20:10,114 Что ж, дети, не думал, что скажу такое,
- 00:20:10,139 --> 00:20:11,825 - но ты была права, Саммер. - Стоп, что?
- 00:20:11,852 --> 00:20:14,019 Я думал, что хотел научить вас ставить палатки,
- 00:20:14,044 --> 00:20:16,219 но я лишь хотел почувствовать себя важным.
- 00:20:16,244 --> 00:20:17,958 Наверное, иногда подростки знают,
- 00:20:17,985 --> 00:20:20,197 о чём говорят, даже если это оскорбления.
- 00:20:20,224 --> 00:20:23,292 Да, но ты же врубил силу бога и поссорился с мамой?
- 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,397 Любовь - это единственная сила, которая важна, Морти.
- 00:20:25,422 --> 00:20:28,951 Нет, у тебя была настоящая сила, и ты ни хрена не сделал. У тебя был
- 00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,775 всесильный посох. Ты мог бы излечить рак или поднять мёртвых.
- 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,469 - Но ты сотворил жуков. - А меня это впечатлило, пап.
- 00:20:33,496 --> 00:20:35,932 Он спас мне жизнь и без твоей помощи.
- 00:20:38,531 --> 00:20:41,633 Ваши дети обкурились инопланетным туманом и врезались на корабле в жбан Зевса.
- 00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:42,864 - По сути, убили его. - Дед!
- 00:20:42,891 --> 00:20:44,112 - Какого чёрта?! - Что? Так и было.
- 00:20:44,137 --> 00:20:45,334 Не хочу бросать первый камень,
- 00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:48,044 но фиговые из вас родители, Бет и Джерри.
- 00:20:48,071 --> 00:20:51,220 Вы в курсе, что Саммер втянула массу Кей-Закс?
- 00:20:51,245 --> 00:20:52,788 Она считай выкурила фильм "Звонок". Большинство пилотов умирает на третий день.
- 00:20:52,813 --> 00:20:56,252 А Морти, долбоёба кусок, думал, что корабль управляется как в видеоигре.
- 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,077 Во имя канала Дисней это за говнина?
- 00:20:58,104 --> 00:20:59,752 Помогите ему с домашкой в следующий раз.
- 00:20:59,777 --> 00:21:01,378 Он явно нуждается в помощи.
- 00:21:33,050 --> 00:21:35,968 Только планеты. Только планеты. Только планеты.
- 00:21:35,993 --> 00:21:39,203 Целые системы жарких, пышных глобусов
- 00:21:39,228 --> 00:21:41,634 и едва населённых небесных тел
- 00:21:41,659 --> 00:21:44,472 плывут в вакууме только для вас.
- 00:21:44,498 --> 00:21:46,408 - Только планеты. - Давай терраформнёмся.
- 00:21:46,433 --> 00:21:49,543 - Колонизируй меня такой, какая я есть. - Только планеты.
- 00:21:49,568 --> 00:21:52,018 Упс, в моём озоновом слое образовалась дыра.
- 00:21:52,043 --> 00:21:53,837 Это не я её сделала. Может, ты?
- 00:21:53,864 --> 00:21:57,187 Я не смогу заполнить её сама. Я глупенькая.
- 00:21:57,212 --> 00:21:59,867 Молодые и тупые местами вертят своими полюсами.
- 00:21:59,894 --> 00:22:02,929 Температура небесного тела поднимается. Только Планеты.
- 00:22:02,957 --> 00:22:05,866 Давай, раздели мою Пангею на отдельные континенты.
- 00:22:05,893 --> 00:22:08,507 У меня пока что нет гидростатического равновесия.
- 00:22:08,534 --> 00:22:10,531 Этому можно научиться?
- 00:22:10,556 --> 00:22:11,784 Ну, вы поняли.
- 00:22:13,568 --> 00:22:14,233 Фух!
- 00:22:14,261 --> 00:22:16,206 Я уже целую минуту наблюдаю за тобой.
- 00:22:16,231 --> 00:22:17,826 И что? Я смотрю, потому что это смешно.
- 00:22:17,851 --> 00:22:19,144 Это... это... Типа... типа они планеты,
- 00:22:19,169 --> 00:22:21,335 но сексуальные. Это комедийная затравка.
- 00:22:21,605 --> 00:22:22,701 Ага.
- 00:22:22,728 --> 00:22:25,772 Только планеты. Только планеты.
- 00:22:25,798 --> 00:22:27,884 Переведено Сыендуком.
- 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:04,128 [ Sighs ] What kind of parents drag their kids away
- 00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:05,755 for the entire week of spring break?
- 00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:07,632 I'm missing Mike Triscuit's drug party.
- 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:09,300 Look at this. He's already watching
- 00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:10,426 "Euphoria" to pregame.
- 00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:12,970 Pregame. Game. Video game.
- 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:16,057 Yes, yes, drugs and video games. Poor babies.
- 00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:19,894 What you need is to level up with a bong rip of nature.
- 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,562 Trust me, this is good for you.
- 00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,648 -Can someone just kill me? -[ Video game beeping ]
- 00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:25,107 Grandpa Rick, you can kill anything.
- 00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:27,693 No, he can't, Summer. We're roughing it.
- 00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:29,320 And that means no sci-fi bullshit.
- 00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:30,821 -Isn't that right, Rick? -Uh-huh.
- 00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:33,366 [ Cellphone buzzes ]
- 00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:37,161 Rick, was that a sci-fi phone call?
- 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:38,663 Shut up, Jerry.
- 00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:40,790 Damn it, I didn't think she had this number.
- 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,251 Why are you building a Faraday box to block out the signal?
- 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,794 Oh, my God, Grandpa's ghosting someone.
- 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,712 I'm not ghosting. Hey! Give it back, Summer!
- 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,256 "Rick. Please answer me.
- 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,590 I'm pregnant"?!
- 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,552 Oh, my God, Grandpa, you fuck boi.
- 00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:54,053 I'm not a fuck boi [burps] Summer!
- 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:55,888 There's no way those kids are mine.
- 00:00:56,014 --> 00:00:58,307 Wow. At least we know why Rick actually came on the trip --
- 00:00:58,433 --> 00:00:59,767 to avoid his fuck-guy problems.
- 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,561 -Why would this person lie? -I don't know, honey.
- 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:03,187 She's addicted to what the Rick did.
- 00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:04,689 You know, it's -- it's -- it's a tale as old
- 00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:06,148 as my huge dynamite penis.
- 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:07,483 Can we turn the radio on?
- 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:08,901 I am not letting you abandon those kids
- 00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:10,736 -like you abandoned me. -Oh, my God!
- 00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:12,947 We're going to see this baby mama right now!
- 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,282 What, like, literally now?
- 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,908 Yes, now! That's an order.
- 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,286 [ Groans ]
- 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,537 Aah!
- 00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:21,539 No!
- 00:01:21,665 --> 00:01:23,916 This is exactly what I was talking about!
- 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:25,668 Rick, I hope you realize the tubing permit
- 00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:27,461 was non-refundable!
- 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,171 Relax, Jerry, we'll be in and out in a minute,
- 00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:31,382 and then you can get right back to your dumb vacation
- 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,175 with a family that doesn't need you.
- 00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:36,262 Kind of expected someone to defend me,
- 00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:37,888 but, sure, okay.
- 00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:41,517 Hello, Gaia. Hold on.
- 00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,228 Let me just adjust my Seismic-to-English translator.
- 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:45,980 GAIA: <i>Rick. You came.</i>
- 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,399 -MORTY: W-Where is she? -RICK: You're looking at her.
- 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:49,942 I-I-I-I don't understand.
- 00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:51,319 Isn't it obvious, Morty?
- 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,945 I fucked a planet.
- 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:56,115 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:27,396 So, what, you just go around knocking up planets now?
- 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,190 I-I-Is that what you do when I'm at school?
- 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,067 I'm a scientist, Morty. I try things.
- 00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:33,486 Sex with a living planet? Big step for mankind.
- 00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:36,072 Yeah, we finally broke the deadbeat dad barrier.
- 00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:38,157 -Ah, where the magic happened. -Gross.
- 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,410 RICK: Hey, uh, Gaia, baby, Big Daddy Rick is here.
- 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:42,912 -RICK: What's the problem? -GAIA: <i>Children.</i>
- 00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:44,288 <i>Birth cycle. Now.</i>
- 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:47,833 Okay, gettin' right into it.
- 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,877 -I am! I am! -Jesus Christ!
- 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,672 -I am! -I am!
- 00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:54,507 Dad, do something! Make it stop!
- 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,883 You think I know how to stop this?
- 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,885 I thought she was gonna shit an egg.
- 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,763 Cool vacation, guys.
- 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,181 So happy I got to see the human geyser
- 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:03,766 instead of micro-dosing with my friends.
- 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:06,310 <i>More coming. Kids.</i> <i>Need father.</i>
- 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,646 Yeah, um, Baby Quakes, how big is your orbit again?
- 00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:10,606 I mean, not to say you get around, but, um...
- 00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:11,941 Are you kidding me? Look at them!
- 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,275 They look just like you.
- 00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:14,902 Yeah, and snakes look like dildos, Beth.
- 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,153 -What's your point? -They do?
- 00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:17,738 The fact is even if they were mine,
- 00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:20,282 which they're not, the best parent is evolution.
- 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:23,202 They'll probably develop harder skin or maybe even webbed arms.
- 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,329 Man, that'd be cool, huh? Flying squirrel people?
- 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:27,623 Yeah, Dad, that approach worked out great for me.
- 00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:29,083 Beth, I know it looks bad, but trust me.
- 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,501 This is life in the galaxy, okay?
- 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:31,711 It's totally normal.
- 00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:35,506 Fine. You won't do something, I will.
- 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:37,299 Welp, there goes the surprise!
- 00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:39,051 I was gonna have us jump on the trampoline
- 00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,344 -after we caught our first fish. -I am!
- 00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:42,471 -What? You're stupid. -I am!
- 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,181 -I am! I am! -Beth, that's not gonna help.
- 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,725 Uh, I hate to agree with Rick,
- 00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:47,059 but shouldn't we just let this be?
- 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,352 We're supposed to be on vacation.
- 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:49,603 You're unemployed, Jerry!
- 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,230 Every day is a vacation for you.
- 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:52,940 -Okay, ouch. -You guys do whatever you want.
- 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,442 I'm staying here and fixing this.
- 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,152 -I am! -I am!
- 00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:57,486 Goddamn it, Beth, if you're gonna do it,
- 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,113 at least do it right.
- 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,157 Gaia, baby, gonna need a little raw iron and steam.
- 00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:03,659 <i>Whatever you need, baby.</i>
- 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:04,952 [ Beep ]
- 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:11,000 [ Whirring ]
- 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,668 -So much for camping. -Nope.
- 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,170 We are going camping.
- 00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:16,422 There's trees over there. We're on solid ground.
- 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:17,715 -SUMMER AND MORTY: Mom! -Summer, Morty,
- 00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:19,049 go camp with your father.
- 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:20,676 -Ohh, son of a bitch. -Son of a bitch.
- 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,052 -I am! -I am!
- 00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,513 Welp, welcome to lack of abandonment.
- 00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:27,683 Dad, can we please go back
- 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,226 and hang out with Grandpa's clay people?
- 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,979 Why? Because they might have a Sega Dreamcast?
- 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,273 Why is it so hard for you two to let nature in?
- 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,358 Because this sucks ass. Camping is just
- 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:37,985 being homeless without the change.
- 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,196 Well, that attitude is exactly why we're out here.
- 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:42,281 You guys wouldn't last two seconds on your own.
- 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,033 You're only happy when you're penned in
- 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:47,119 and drugged up like some kind of chicken or lemur.
- 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,205 Hey! I told you kids no phones!
- 00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,664 There's not even any service.
- 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,291 Just -- Just let us be happy for a minute.
- 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,418 You know, maybe if you two stopped whining
- 00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:56,212 and let your old man take the reins,
- 00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:59,298 you might actually learn something.
- 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,550 Here. Take a bite of this tasty treat.
- 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,011 Oh, you think this s'more makes you special?
- 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,888 What? Because someone said, "good job,"
- 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:07,348 to you once when you were 10?
- 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,892 That's actually really sad, dad. Let's be real.
- 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,477 You've been high-roading us non-stop,
- 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,062 forcing us to do nothing in the middle of fucking nowhere
- 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:14,563 because it's the only way
- 00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:15,856 you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it?
- 00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,983 Because if you move the bar so low,
- 00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,653 you might actually seem like you're worth a fuck.
- 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,571 Huh. [ Sniffles ]
- 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,865 I'm gonna go take a walk.
- 00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:30,663 Jesus Christ. you really need to stop
- 00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,081 hanging out with Rick.
- 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,671 Okay, so, if we divert the Lawyer Pipeline here,
- 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,130 they should avoid the Ethics Tube
- 00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:41,715 and come out spineless enough to do their job.
- 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,509 Right. Wait, why are the athletes
- 00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,052 going through the introvert sector?
- 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,846 Obviously so they can bully the mathematicians
- 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:49,515 -and give us astronomers. -God, you are such a space nerd.
- 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,684 I'm not a nerd. We're raising a society here, Beth.
- 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,143 If we want them to be self-sufficient,
- 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,520 they need to get out into space.
- 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,814 -[ Alarms blare ] -GAIA: <i>Birth cycle. Coming.</i>
- 00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:59,149 We got you, Gai-Gai! Shoot 'em hard and up the middle!
- 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:13,873 [ Bells dinging ]
- 00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,624 We got an oversupply of teachers
- 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,126 putting a strain on the literary drive.
- 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:18,669 Activating playwright converter!
- 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,504 -[ Alarms blare ] -Aah!
- 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,214 Nice work, honey. Okay, the therapists
- 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:23,757 are getting bored. We need to increase
- 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,843 -their supply of incest porn. -20% wasn't enough?
- 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,219 -[ Alarms blaring ] -What the hell is that?
- 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:28,804 The unproductives. Goddamn it!
- 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,723 -How are there so many of them? -Unproductives?
- 00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:32,808 Yeah, deejays, foodies, influencers.
- 00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:34,935 I just re-circulate them through until...
- 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:35,978 [ Explosion ]
- 00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:37,855 Shit, they blew a hole in the human resources department!
- 00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:38,939 -You're fired! -Downsizing already?
- 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,232 I'm putting this in your file!
- 00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:43,819 We gotta fix this, Dad.
- 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:45,487 We can't keep recycling them through.
- 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,156 I could add an online [burps] college workaround.
- 00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:49,158 Or just push them out through a pipe in the back.
- 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:50,826 -Same thing. -Same thing.
- 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:53,203 These kids may not be mine, but you definitely are.
- 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,497 Look at you. My little steampunk overlord.
- 00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:56,665 Eeee!
- 00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:59,084 I don't think he's coming back.
- 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:00,711 You know, you -- you really messed him up, Summer.
- 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,212 Yeah, well, he called me a lemur.
- 00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:03,547 Let's just go find grandpa.
- 00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,174 Maybe he can portal us home or something.
- 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,009 -Should we leave a note? -Dad is fine.
- 00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:08,469 He's probably sucking off a tree
- 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,554 and having the time of his life right now.
- 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,225 Guess you don't want to learn how to skip rocks, either.
- 00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:16,644 Aah!
- 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,813 Aaah!
- 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,106 Whoa! Whoa!
- 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:24,151 Aah! Aaaaaah!
- 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,569 Ohh!
- 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,488 Aaaaaah!
- 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:28,906 Gah!
- 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,407 Ohhhh!
- 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,284 Aaah!
- 00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:36,121 Aah!
- 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,958 Aah!
- 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:43,963 [ Whimpering ]
- 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:47,633 Aaah!
- 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:48,968 Ow! Hey!
- 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,844 Aah!
- 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,222 Aaaaah!
- 00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:57,768 Aaaaaaaah!
- 00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,395 Ohh!
- 00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:01,522 [ Screaming ]
- 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:04,441 [ Groans ]
- 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:05,734 Who are you guys?
- 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:09,113 We are... unproductives.
- 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,031 Ahh, I get it.
- 00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:12,950 Bunch of bullshit.
- 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,372 What is that?
- 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,417 This? This is camping.
- 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:23,293 Camping? Ooh!
- 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:24,795 Camping!
- 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:27,006 [ All chanting "Camping!" ]
- 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,675 ♪ Well, there's a new thing going 'round ♪
- 00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:32,594 ♪ People sleepin' on the ground ♪
- 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:37,182 ♪ And if it's fun to do, then we're not doing it ♪
- 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:40,310 ♪ And that's called camping ♪
- 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,813 ♪ Let's go camping ♪
- 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:45,607 ♪ Do you want to go camping? ♪
- 00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:48,068 ♪ Can't wait to go camping ♪
- 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:50,654 ♪ Even if you hate camping ♪
- 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:54,450 ♪ You still got to camping ♪
- 00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:56,785 ♪ Ee-mi-mo-man ♪
- 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,078 Good work there, TickTock.
- 00:08:58,204 --> 00:08:59,955 Keep whittling. Incredible.
- 00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:02,291 You've almost got smoke over there, Florflock.
- 00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:03,792 There you go, guys!
- 00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:04,960 Pump those cheeks.
- 00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:06,670 That's the camping spirit.
- 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,213 What the -- Squeeb!
- 00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:09,673 This is not a tent.
- 00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,592 It is a new kind of tent,
- 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,970 with special gutters to funnel the rain, and a door.
- 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,306 It's a house! No houses!
- 00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:19,975 No doors! Once you have doors, you have indoors.
- 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:23,479 Once you have indoors, you won't want to camp anymore.
- 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:26,690 Then why do they not camp?
- 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,358 Because they're bad.
- 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,486 Bad. Bad. Bad.
- 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,529 [ All chanting "Bad" ]
- 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,656 Oh, my God. Maybe Dad was right.
- 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:36,283 Maybe we have no life skills.
- 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,327 I've definitely drank more pee than I care to remember.
- 00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:39,995 I'm just gonna sit down.
- 00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,623 If I die, don't eat my ass. That'd be weird.
- 00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,500 Uh, Summer?
- 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,214 Damn, you think they got infected
- 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:51,715 by a mind slug or something?
- 00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,217 Probably drove through a nebula that made them
- 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:54,968 see their own fears.
- 00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,766 Whoa! These controls.
- 00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:02,976 It's just like my video game controllers.
- 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,687 I just wish I could read these symbols.
- 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:11,527 This looks just like Tricia's bong.
- 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,445 Morty, I think these tubes might contain
- 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,489 all of their collective knowledge.
- 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:20,536 [ Inhaling ]
- 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,038 -Mm! -Well?
- 00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:24,832 [ Strained ] I think we got this, bro.
- 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,250 [ Applause ]
- 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,668 Beth, you wanna do the honors?
- 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:28,961 What? Really? Wow.
- 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:32,172 Okay. Here we go.
- 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,424 If you told me six days ago I'd be christening
- 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,760 a generation ship for my half-rock children,
- 00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,345 I would've called you crazy.
- 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,430 But I guess that's the lesson -- crazy things happen
- 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:43,183 when you put in the work. Salud!
- 00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:45,477 Fucking Doopnar! Sing something!
- 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,938 -[ Singing angelically ] -Great toast, Dad.
- 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:50,440 -Thanks, sweetie. -Damn, listen to those pipes.
- 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,109 You sure these kids are yours?
- 00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:53,819 What, you've never heard me sing karaoke?
- 00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:55,737 I'm -- I'm pretty good when someone's in my register,
- 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:57,489 like the guy that sings "Circle of Life."
- 00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,408 Can't remember his name. Dresses up weird.
- 00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:02,369 [ Laughs ] Look at this. Everyone's happy.
- 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,121 They're about to go into space.
- 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,248 I know things haven't always been great with us,
- 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,584 but we do make a pretty good team.
- 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:10,794 GAIA: <i>Uh, Rick?</i> <i>Can we talk?</i>
- 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,546 Kinda in the middle of a breakthrough with my daughter.
- 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,798 Go ahead, Dad. Gaia deserves some time, too.
- 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:18,552 -They're your kids. -GAIA: <i>Yes, about that.</i>
- 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:22,097 Pam! It's good to see you, baby!
- 00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,224 Um, Gaia? You know this guy?
- 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,268 Ha! You call her Gaia?
- 00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,103 -So lame. -Is that...
- 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,189 -God? -GAIA: <i>Rick. The kids.</i>
- 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:32,816 <i>I messed up.</i> <i>You're not their father.</i>
- 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,776 Little ones! Daddy's here!
- 00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:36,778 I'm sending some fog down.
- 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,363 Feel my presence through the fog!
- 00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:39,406 Ooh!
- 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,450 Beth! What the fuck? Don't touch it!
- 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,745 You gotta be kidding me. God is the father?
- 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,580 No hard feelings, okay?
- 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,248 We thought they were yours, you know,
- 00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,209 because they're so small.
- 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,461 Oh, wow. No hard feelings. Y-You hear that, Beth?
- 00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:54,922 Guy swoops in after we raised his whole civilization
- 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,841 and tells us he forgives us. What a fucking mooch!
- 00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,676 Don't push me, asshole!
- 00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,970 GAIA: <i>Rick,</i> <i>I think you should go.</i>
- 00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:04,348 Seriously? You really want this pile of dry ice
- 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:05,599 to raise your kids?
- 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,768 Stop acting like you did a good job.
- 00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:10,896 You made my kids soft and empty inside.
- 00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:13,065 This city is a monument to nothing!
- 00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:14,483 Where is their faith?
- 00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,068 GAIA: <i>Reggie is right.</i>
- 00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:18,028 <i>The children are not ready</i> <i>to leave.</i>
- 00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,363 <i>He can give them more.</i>
- 00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,323 I mean, maybe we should just bail, Dad.
- 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,742 At least this guy is immortal and can stick around.
- 00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,744 Bullshit. They're my kids! We're staying!
- 00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:27,412 [ All chanting "Bad!" ]
- 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:30,040 See? Now, this is the kind of shit I'm talking about.
- 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,876 -[ Chanting continues ] -BETH: Jerry! Oh, my God!
- 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,586 Is that you? What the hell are you doing?
- 00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:35,671 Camping.
- 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,464 RICK: Oh, look, Jerry finally found his people.
- 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,341 All it took was a deep enough drip pan.
- 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,969 You labeled these creatures "unproductive,"
- 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,263 but I have given them more purpose than ever.
- 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,306 Oh, yeah? They filing your unemployment forms?
- 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,600 His tongue is sharp, but it cannot whittle.
- 00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:50,644 The Great Roughing of It is at hand.
- 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:54,189 you will now join the One Family on its Eternal Getaway.
- 00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:57,734 Or join the embers over which we hold marshmallows
- 00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,403 at just the right distance.
- 00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:02,739 Six inches! Until it gets golden brown!
- 00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:04,574 Don't let it start on fire!
- 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,952 The carbon is bad for you!
- 00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:09,955 What's happening?
- 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,416 GOD: My children, I give you my power.
- 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,543 Use it to take what is yours.
- 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:17,087 Oh, this motherfucker. Raise the walls!
- 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:20,173 [ Whirring ]
- 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,135 Walls can't stop us, Rick. We are chosen.
- 00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:25,178 Sha-boom-boom!
- 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,680 Sorry! Sorry!
- 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,265 Just trying to get the hang of this thing.
- 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,517 Nice choice of chosen people, G-diddles.
- 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,477 I guess you'll be playing the "mysterious ways" card
- 00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:34,229 -on that one. -You wanna go, bro?
- 00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:37,024 -I'll kick your ass myself. -Oh, dude, don't tempt me.
- 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,775 When I'm done with you, you'll need a staff
- 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,360 to un-part your fucking face.
- 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:43,196 GAIA: <i>Guys. Please.</i> <i>Not in front of the kids.</i>
- 00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,700 Did you for real just try to smite me?
- 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,745 Siri, triangulate source of power.
- 00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:51,413 Got you now, you son of a bitch.
- 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,789 Sweetie, you handle the hippies.
- 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,166 I'll handle the off-brand Yahweh.
- 00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:57,169 -Kick his ass, Dad! -Bear witness.
- 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,344 Now you see my true form.
- 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:09,181 The clouds were simply a shape more appealing to Gaia's mind.
- 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,350 No shit. Any form is more appealing than this.
- 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,268 You look like Kid Rock fucked Zeus.
- 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,312 Oh, seriously, you expect me to fight you like this?
- 00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,522 You're the size of four Empire State Buildings.
- 00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,900 Alright, motherfucker.
- 00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,694 -Let's go. -[ Yells ]
- 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,739 [ Blows landing ]
- 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:32,371 [ Both grunting and groaning ]
- 00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,833 [ Electricity crackles ]
- 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:40,003 Aaah! Aah!
- 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,714 Ha-ha! You like that?
- 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,133 -Ohh! -Here comes some pain!
- 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:47,886 Ohh!
- 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:58,855 [ Blows landing, both grunting ]
- 00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:02,109 Ow!
- 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,069 Ow!
- 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:11,368 And... that last one should be...
- 00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,078 the start button.
- 00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:14,579 Perfect. I guess we're ready.
- 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,665 Let's show Mom and Dad what video games
- 00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:18,792 and partying are all about.
- 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:24,589 [ Whirring ]
- 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,885 Jesus Christ, was that the wings?
- 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:30,387 [ Both screaming ]
- 00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:32,222 This is not like a video game!
- 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,224 Oh, my God, make it stop! Make it stop!
- 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:37,602 -How do I make it stop?! -I don't know. I'm fucking high!
- 00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,688 Aah!
- 00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:41,148 [ Coughs ]
- 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,358 Oh, God, now I'm high, too!
- 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,068 [ Both scream ]
- 00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:49,698 -Jerry, that's enough. -Oh, hey, babe.
- 00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:52,576 You like these plagues I'm unleashing on your asses?
- 00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:54,536 No, they're lame. It's not a great sign
- 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,830 that your army's on the same side as disease.
- 00:15:56,956 --> 00:16:00,167 Sorry we aren't modern enough to sort people by value
- 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,961 and shit the losers through a mean butt tube!
- 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:08,216 Just admit this is about you wanting to feel needed!
- 00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:10,302 Says the woman who sold out her family
- 00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:12,804 for an ounce of approval from her drunk father!
- 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,723 Well, maybe he drinks because it isn't easy
- 00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:17,267 -to be more powerful than God. -Well, if it's god power
- 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,102 that gets you going, light some candles
- 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:21,938 and put on the Billy Ocean because Moses is home
- 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:24,107 and he's ready to burn some bush!
- 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,984 Sha-boom-boom!
- 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,486 [ Grunting ]
- 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:29,362 Ohh! Fuck! Ow!
- 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,072 Alright, alright, stop.
- 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:32,949 -Come on, bitch! -Look, you win, okay?
- 00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,493 Ju-- I don't care about the kids.
- 00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:36,286 Smite them, raise them to fuck sheep.
- 00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:37,913 Just keep the city, okay?
- 00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:39,247 My daughter and I built that thing.
- 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,875 -It's important to her. -No, bro. I'm a Zeus.
- 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,127 I can literally do anything.
- 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:46,838 Think I'm gonna hang around and raise kids?
- 00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:50,967 The only lesson they need is right here -- fear.
- 00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:53,595 And it looks like school's out, bitch.
- 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:55,764 -I-I think you mean school's in. -What are --
- 00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,265 -What are you talking about? -I-If you're teaching fear,
- 00:16:57,391 --> 00:17:00,185 then choking me -- school would be in.
- 00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,562 Fine. School's in, bitch.
- 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,898 Oh. [ Coughs ]
- 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,025 What the fuck?
- 00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,866 Ohh! Are we dead? D-Did we die?
- 00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:16,243 I don't ever want to be high again.
- 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,536 I-I got scared straight.
- 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:18,995 Oh, my God, I got scared straight.
- 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,372 Fuck. Dad was right.
- 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:21,623 We -- We think we know everything,
- 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,333 but maybe we're the ones who suck.
- 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:27,003 You kids are my fucking heroes!
- 00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,880 You saved Grandpa's life! I fucking love you so much!
- 00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:30,465 -Papa! -Papa!
- 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:31,716 We played video games and got high!
- 00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:32,968 We did wrong! We did wrong!
- 00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,344 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little boopas.
- 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:37,222 Come on, now. You kids, you did real good here.
- 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,682 You did good. Getting high
- 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,058 and playing video games is the best,
- 00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:41,685 -I swear to fucking God. -But mom and dad
- 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:43,395 -are gonna be mad. -No, hey, hey, look, no.
- 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:46,022 Fuck your mom and dad. Your parents are a bag of dicks.
- 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,024 Getting high and playing video games is the best,
- 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,568 and I will never sell you out, ever.
- 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,111 Now, we got to get out of here before this guy
- 00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:52,404 falls out of the sky.
- 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,656 He's generating an ionic cloud from his own belief system.
- 00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,783 Holy shit, Summer, were you smoking this?
- 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,201 You were basically inhaling brake fluid.
- 00:17:58,327 --> 00:17:59,369 Jesus!
- 00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,081 Mm, yeah.
- 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:05,709 [ Whirring ]
- 00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:11,256 It's over, Beth. Tell your people to lower the gates
- 00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:13,133 and pack their moisture-wicking shirts.
- 00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,010 Incoming!
- 00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,351 -[ Coughs ] -BETH: Jerry!
- 00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:25,645 Beth! Just hold on!
- 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,397 I'm losing my grip!
- 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:30,817 -Jerry. -Squeeb?
- 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:34,446 Use the s'more, Jerry.
- 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:35,614 Ow! You stabbed my hand!
- 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:36,906 Sorry! Sorry!
- 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:39,993 [ Groans ]
- 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,911 Should -- Should we make love?
- 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,955 Jerry, I love you, but I can literally
- 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:46,166 -smell your balls from here. -Oh, wow.
- 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:49,085 Ask God for a flood next time. It'll come with a shower.
- 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,171 Noted.
- 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:52,964 Aw, geez, that -- that poor guy.
- 00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,507 Can you maybe not tell Mom and Dad?
- 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,010 Relax, it's just a Zeus. If this was the real God, it--
- 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,512 it'd be a completely different story.
- 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,098 GAIA: Rick! What did you do?!
- 00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:03,600 I mean, gravity did most of it.
- 00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:06,770 -So, you, technically. -GAIA: I told you to leave!
- 00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,813 Yeah, well, you also asked me to raise your kids.
- 00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:11,107 Uh, not sure if you heard the phrase, "pick a lane,"
- 00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:12,942 -but -- -You killed their father!
- 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,944 Father or not, he was a lying piece of shit.
- 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,780 I don't care who else stuffed your crust,
- 00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:18,365 but I'm the guy that showed up.
- 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,617 But I mean, if you want, I can still power-wash his guts
- 00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:23,286 -off the tower and maybe -- -Get oooout!
- 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,746 Okay, yeah, she's pissed.
- 00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,456 I mean, you killed her slam piece, Grandpa.
- 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,041 I don't blame her.
- 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:44,849 See? you put the fire stick to the wood, and, voilà!
- 00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:45,892 Campfire.
- 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,727 You have known about this the whole time?
- 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,646 I'm not gonna waste my time building you an ark,
- 00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:52,357 but if your mom gets clingy, you can use this to get some space.
- 00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:54,818 Is that all you want to say to your children before you leave?
- 00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:57,570 Oh, yeah, uh, don't ask me for money.
- 00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:02,367 I mean, Gaia's not gonna raise those guys
- 00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:04,244 to hunt us down, right?
- 00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:06,329 Oh, most definitely. I put a tracker on their ship.
- 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,081 I'll blow it up if they come anywhere near me.
- 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,375 Well, kids, never thought I'd say this, but,
- 00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:12,210 -Summer, you were right. -Wait, what?
- 00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:14,421 I thought I wanted to teach you guys about tents,
- 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,589 but really, I just wanted to feel important.
- 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,258 I guess sometimes teenagers do know
- 00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,468 what they're talking about, even if it's mean.
- 00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:23,513 Right, but didn't you, like, go into god-mode and fight mom?
- 00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:25,682 Love is the only power that matters, Morty.
- 00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:28,017 No, you had actual power, and you did jack shit.
- 00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:29,561 That was a divine staff.
- 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,271 You could've cured cancer or raised the dead.
- 00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,773 -Instead you made bugs. -Well, I was impressed, Dad.
- 00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:36,443 He saved my life, no thanks to you.
- 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,280 Your kids got high on alien mist
- 00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:41,865 and drove the ship into that Zeus guy's head.
- 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,241 -Basically murdered him. -Grandpa!
- 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,576 -What the hell?! -Come on!
- 00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:46,327 I mean, not to cast the first stone,
- 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,288 but, Beth and Jerry, pretty terrible parenting on your part.
- 00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:49,998 Did you know Summer huffed a K-Zax Array?
- 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,541 She basically smoked "The Ring."
- 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,042 Most pilots die after three days.
- 00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:54,627 And Morty, the fucking moron, he thought
- 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,504 the ship worked like a game controller.
- 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,339 What in the Disney Channel fuck is that?
- 00:20:58,466 --> 00:20:59,966 Maybe help him with homework next time.
- 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,885 He's clearly crying for help.
- 00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:05,013 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:21:33,167 --> 00:21:36,211 ANNOUNCER: Planets Only. Planets Only. Planets Only.
- 00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:39,506 Entire systems of steamy, lush globes
- 00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:42,217 and barely habitable celestial objects
- 00:21:42,343 --> 00:21:44,719 are drifting through the void just for you.
- 00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:46,846 -Planets Only. -PLANET 1 : Let's terraform.
- 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:49,724 -Or colonize me as I am. -ANNOUNCER: Planets Only.
- 00:21:49,850 --> 00:21:52,185 PLANET 2: Oops, there's a hole in my ozone.
- 00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,020 I didn't put it there. Did you?
- 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,482 I can't fill it by myself. I'm not smart enough.
- 00:21:57,608 --> 00:22:00,193 ANNOUNCER: Young, dumb, and orbiting a sun.
- 00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,279 The greenhouse is in full effect at Planets Only.
- 00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:04,864 PLANET 3: Oh, I want you to split my Pangea
- 00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:06,199 into distinct continents.
- 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,868 PLANET 4: I don't have hydrostatic equilibrium yet.
- 00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:10,870 <i>Is that something</i> <i>you can learn?</i>
- 00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:12,789 ANNOUNCER: <i>You get the idea.</i>
- 00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:14,624 Phew!
- 00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:16,584 I was watching over your shoulder for a full minute.
- 00:22:16,710 --> 00:22:18,044 So? I was watching because it's funny.
- 00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:19,504 It's -- It's -- They-- They-- They're planets,
- 00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:21,422 but they're sexy. It's a comedic premise.
- 00:22:21,549 --> 00:22:24,425 -Yeah. -ANNOUNCER: <i>Planets Only.</i>
- 00:22:24,552 --> 00:22:26,052 <i>Planets Only.</i>