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Отдых и риклаксация
После шестидневного космического приключения, которое ставит их на грань психологического срыва, Рик и Морти решают провести некоторое время в инопланетном спа-салоне, где они используют машину, которая извлекает негативные черты личности человека. Однако без ведома Рика и Морти эти черты превращаются в токсичные физические аналоги, характеризующиеся высокомерием Рика и ненавистью Морти к самому себе. С другой стороны, Чистый Рик становится более внимательным, а уверенность Чистого Морти позволяет ему начинать встречаться с девушками. Однако побочным эффектом является то, что и Чистый Рик, и Морти фактически теряют способность формировать эмоциональную привязанность. Обещая отомстить Чистому Рику, Токсичный Рик берёт Токсичного Морти, вырывается из машины и использует лунную башню, чтобы переделать всю Землю в токсичную версию самой себя. Чистый Рик решает ситуацию, отравив Токсичного Морти, правильно сделав вывод, что настоящий Рик считал своё сострадание к Морти слабостью, что означает, что Токсичный Рик унаследовал эту черту. Токсичный Рик нехотя сливается с Чистым Риком, чтобы спасти Токсичного Морти, превратившись в настоящего Рика. Чистый Морти избегает слияния со своим токсичным «я» и продолжает жизнь биржевого маклера в Нью-Йорке. Рик выслеживает его с помощью Джессики и превращает в обычного Морти, повторно вводя Токсичного Морти обратно в Чистого Морти. В сцене после титров тур по той же башне лунного света освобождает Стейси, одну из девушек, с которыми Морти встречался в эпизоде, которая случайно оказалась в ловушке внутри машины детоксикации.
- 00:00:02,710 --> 00:00:05,130 Джессика, я слышала, что ты рассталась с Брэдом.
- 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,140 С кем будешь встречаться теперь, когда тебе с кем угодно можно?
- 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:11,370 Я не знаю. Только если появится кто-то особенный.
- 00:00:11,820 --> 00:00:13,710 Я имею в виду очень особенный.
- 00:00:13,850 --> 00:00:16,260 Кого я раньше даже не рассматривала, как вариант.
- 00:00:16,290 --> 00:00:19,170 - Охренеть! Охренеть! Охренеть! - Мне нужна такая любовь, крепкая любовь.
- 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:19,650 Ах, да.
- 00:00:19,670 --> 00:00:22,170 Такая же крепкая, как пенис, крепко сидящий за крайней плотью.
- 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:23,900 Такая тёплая, такая...
- 00:00:30,660 --> 00:00:32,690 А ну-ка отъебитесь все. Морти, мне нужна твоя помощь.
- 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,950 Н-н-нам нужно сгонять на короткое приключение.
- 00:00:34,980 --> 00:00:36,380 Ты сказал, что сегодня я могу пойти в школу.
- 00:00:36,410 --> 00:00:38,370 Это было до того, как мне что-то понадобилось, Морти.
- 00:00:38,410 --> 00:00:40,730 В скоплении Абаданго есть осколок плазмы.
- 00:00:40,750 --> 00:00:43,270 Он у принцессы. Если я его достану, то буду крутым.
- 00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:45,780 Мы вообще перерывов не делаем, Рик. Это плохо скажется.
- 00:00:45,810 --> 00:00:49,230 Это же мои подростковые годы. Я только что узнал, что у Джессики никого нет.
- 00:00:49,260 --> 00:00:52,240 Ого, Морти! Просто ого! Какая же у тебя интересная жизнь.
- 00:00:52,790 --> 00:00:54,550 Давай. Вошли и вышли, приключение на 20 минут.
- 00:00:54,870 --> 00:00:56,010 Шесть дней спустя.
- 00:00:56,030 --> 00:00:57,040 Они у нас на хвосте!
- 00:00:57,060 --> 00:00:58,700 Держи ровнее, Морти! Пять цетонов!
- 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,770 Ровно, чёрт тебя дери! Два цетона!
- 00:01:13,030 --> 00:01:13,650 Огонь!
- 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,360 Тяни на себя, Морти! На себя!
- 00:01:43,810 --> 00:01:44,640 Пиздец.
- 00:01:50,270 --> 00:01:51,840 Ебааать!
- 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:53,170 Блядь!
- 00:01:56,190 --> 00:01:58,110 Пиздец, я больше так не могу!
- 00:01:58,230 --> 00:01:59,930 Это правда был полный ебан!
- 00:01:59,950 --> 00:02:00,770 Мы чуть не погибли!
- 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:01,690 То есть, ты согласен?
- 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:03,870 Хуясен! Это было безумие!
- 00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:07,840 Читая удача. Я не контролировал эту ситуацию вообще.
- 00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,580 Посмотри на это, Морти! Посмотри на мои ёбаные руки.
- 00:02:13,820 --> 00:02:14,450 Посмотри на это дерьмо.
- 00:02:14,470 --> 00:02:16,830 Почему ты продолжаешь делать это с нами?
- 00:02:16,860 --> 00:02:18,430 Не знаю, Морти. Может, я ненавижу себя.
- 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:21,320 М-может, я считаю, что заслуживаю смерти. Я не знаю.
- 00:02:24,950 --> 00:02:26,130 Нам нужен отпуск.
- 00:02:54,580 --> 00:02:56,230 Авторы перевода Женя Спицын и Сарыч
- 00:03:05,210 --> 00:03:05,970 То, что нужно.
- 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,530 Ты был прав. Лучший спа-салон в галактике.
- 00:03:08,550 --> 00:03:11,540 Это даже не жестокость. Эти штуки делают тоже самое и в естественных условиях.
- 00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:14,690 Они любят проглатывать вымотанных существ на 20 минут, а потом выплёвывать.
- 00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,930 Всё моё тело как попка младенца.
- 00:03:17,510 --> 00:03:20,810 Хотите бесплатную психологическую детоксинацию? Она устраняет все когнитивные токсины,
- 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:22,460 очищает организм.
- 00:03:22,490 --> 00:03:24,110 Наверное, этот чувак за процент с продаж работает.
- 00:03:24,140 --> 00:03:24,670 Вряд ли.
- 00:03:24,870 --> 00:03:26,030 Ты работаешь за процент?
- 00:03:26,050 --> 00:03:27,700 Мы работаем не за проценты, у нас почасовая оплата.
- 00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:29,470 Правда, никаких льгот...
- 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:32,010 Боже мой, послушай, мы опробуем аппарат, но...
- 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,710 но и ты тоже кое-что попробуй.
- 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,580 Попробуй проглотить огромный комок соплей,
- 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:40,900 который мотается у тебя в горле. Это отвратительно, никому неприятно такое слушать.
- 00:03:42,540 --> 00:03:43,450 Вот как ты делаешь.
- 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,470 Ладно, Рик, хватит.
- 00:03:45,510 --> 00:03:47,380 Блин, видел, как я на него огрызнулся?
- 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:48,860 Боже, мне и правда надо расслабиться.
- 00:03:48,890 --> 00:03:50,300 Может, тебе следует дважды пройти процедуру.
- 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:54,140 Так, мистер комедиант, не нужно издеваться надо мной, это не помогает.
- 00:03:54,630 --> 00:03:56,880 Рик, а эта штука и должна так делать?
- 00:04:06,060 --> 00:04:07,660 Мооорти!
- 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:08,560 Р-рик?
- 00:04:08,590 --> 00:04:09,290 Морти!
- 00:04:10,590 --> 00:04:11,350 Что случилось?
- 00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:13,410 Мы взорвались, болван. Неужели, ты настолько тупой?
- 00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:15,650 Понятно, что чувак, на которого я наорал, перегрузил аппарат.
- 00:04:15,670 --> 00:04:18,400 Этого мало, чтобы убить Рика и Морти, распиздяй!
- 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:22,990 А вот этого может хватить. Бежим, Морти!
- 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,950 У меня всё болит!
- 00:04:24,980 --> 00:04:26,010 Потому что ты бесполезный.
- 00:04:26,570 --> 00:04:28,710 Боже, насколько мощным был взрыв?
- 00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:30,840 Я - гений, у меня нет времени на это дерьмо.
- 00:04:30,870 --> 00:04:32,450 Б-блин, в какой ад мы попали, Рик?
- 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,810 Ты такой тупой, Морти! Ты - идиот!
- 00:04:35,020 --> 00:04:36,480 Ада не существует.
- 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,480 Я тебе верю, но я просто хочу умереть.
- 00:04:38,510 --> 00:04:41,480 Ты умрёшь, когда я тебе скажу. Я тобой управляю!
- 00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:42,880 Я управляю вселенной!
- 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:47,480 Почему я этим хвастаюсь? Мне ничего не надо доказывать. Меня окружают ничтожные куски дерьма и...
- 00:04:49,770 --> 00:04:50,730 токсины.
- 00:04:51,060 --> 00:04:53,520 Мы не в аду, Морти. Мы в детоксикаторе.
- 00:04:53,550 --> 00:04:56,640 Аппарат не взорвался. Он сработал нормально. Он убрал токсины.
- 00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:57,680 Мы - токсины.
- 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,950 Ты меня слушаешь? Ты - тупой кусок отходов!
- 00:05:00,980 --> 00:05:02,880 Мы - это то, что устранили.
- 00:05:05,610 --> 00:05:08,240 Надеюсь, вы расслабились после процедуры детоксикации.
- 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:10,600 Послушай, чувак, то, что я сказал о твоём горле...
- 00:05:11,190 --> 00:05:11,950 Всё нормально.
- 00:05:12,030 --> 00:05:13,680 Мило в твоей строны, что ты меня простил.
- 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,390 И всё же это неприемлемое поведение, о котором я сожалею.
- 00:05:16,420 --> 00:05:19,210 Поверь, мужик, я давно здесь работаю. Всё понимаю.
- 00:05:23,570 --> 00:05:25,260 Ты не против, если я включу музыке?
- 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:25,960 Валяй.
- 00:05:27,690 --> 00:05:29,670 ♪ Возьми меня за терригнуськи. ♪
- 00:05:30,340 --> 00:05:30,970 Что это?
- 00:05:30,990 --> 00:05:31,900 Я нажал на случайное воспроизведение.
- 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:32,610 Ты шутишь?
- 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,550 Ох уж эта вселенная.
- 00:05:35,110 --> 00:05:35,820 Ой, извини.
- 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,530 Нам нужно слушать по одной случайной песне в день. Пусть многое нам не понравится, но
- 00:05:39,650 --> 00:05:41,230 мы найдём много чего нового.
- 00:05:41,260 --> 00:05:43,190 Это очень интересная мысль.
- 00:05:43,330 --> 00:05:47,030 Заставляет задуматься, если ли алгоритмическая формула, которая позволит достичь идеальной пропорции.
- 00:05:47,780 --> 00:05:51,040 Только послушай меня. Пытаюсь рассчитать счастье.
- 00:05:51,420 --> 00:05:52,700 Если бы только кто-то мог, Рик.
- 00:05:52,890 --> 00:05:56,650 Эй, а вот что ни одна наука не измерит... Для меня честь быть твоим дедушкой, Морти.
- 00:05:56,970 --> 00:05:58,500 Спасибо, Рик. Я люблю тебя.
- 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:01,450 Да, нахуй! Да, вот так! Получай!
- 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,800 Прямо в твой сучий сральник, ёбаная хуйня.
- 00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:05,710 Угадай, кто только что открыл новый элемент?
- 00:06:05,730 --> 00:06:10,080 А ты сможешь это сделать, Морти? Хоть кто-то, кроме меня, сможет это сделать за миллиард лет?
- 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,360 Если бы бог существовал, то он смог бы так сделать? Ответ: "Нет"!
- 00:06:13,380 --> 00:06:15,640 Если бог существует, то это, блядь, я!
- 00:06:15,660 --> 00:06:17,570 Да, Рик. Я согласен, Рик.
- 00:06:17,590 --> 00:06:20,230 Пока ты лепил свои паразитические сфинктеры,
- 00:06:20,260 --> 00:06:23,130 я открыл токсичный аналог электричества, Морти.
- 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:24,130 Что на это скажешь?
- 00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:26,110 П-по-моему, мой голос раздражает.
- 00:06:26,130 --> 00:06:27,990 Так и есть, и это - твоё лучшее качество.
- 00:06:28,010 --> 00:06:29,270 Ты прав.
- 00:06:29,610 --> 00:06:32,790 Кто мне скажет, какой общий знаменатель у этих дробей?
- 00:06:33,830 --> 00:06:35,700 Вы не знаете, или вам просто скучно?
- 00:06:35,730 --> 00:06:40,310 Эй, послушай, знаешь... если нам всем тут скучно, разве не ты будешь нашим общим знаменателем?
- 00:06:41,010 --> 00:06:42,840 Блин, Морти, просто умора.
- 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:47,860 Обычно я отчитываю за любое плохое поведение, но похоже, сейчас твой характер изменился в лучшую сторону.
- 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,470 Урок окончен.
- 00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:50,390 Крутяк, Морти.
- 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,710 Ты - молодец, Морти.
- 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:53,800 Спасибо за совет, Морти.
- 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:54,240 Не за что.
- 00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:54,860 У меня получилось, Морти.
- 00:06:54,890 --> 00:06:55,680 Я и не сомневался.
- 00:06:55,710 --> 00:06:58,550 Эй, Морти, помнишь, вчера я не мог играть на тромбоне?
- 00:06:58,750 --> 00:06:59,920 А вот теперь зацени.
- 00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:04,820 Как я тебе и говорил, Митч. Всё это время музыка была в твоём сердце.
- 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,670 Дурацкая шляпа. Если бы у меня только хватило смелости быть собой.
- 00:07:09,490 --> 00:07:10,460 Вот так.
- 00:07:12,810 --> 00:07:14,600 Может, ты и смог одурачить всех этих болванов,
- 00:07:14,650 --> 00:07:18,930 но я знаю, что за этой уверенностью скрывается всё тот же жалкий неудачник.
- 00:07:19,490 --> 00:07:23,000 Мне это известно, потому что я делаю точно так же, брат.
- 00:07:23,190 --> 00:07:25,300 Больше я не одинок.
- 00:07:25,710 --> 00:07:29,270 Привет, Морти, по школе ходят слухи, что ты стал суперэнергичным.
- 00:07:29,290 --> 00:07:32,670 Не знаю на этот счёт, но я точно знаю, что у меня довольно тяжёлый случай
- 00:07:32,730 --> 00:07:34,710 до сих пор тебя на ужин не отводина.
- 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:35,880 Может, это даже смертельно.
- 00:07:36,570 --> 00:07:39,670 Привет, дети, надеюсь, не прерываю что-то важное. Морти, можно тебя на минуточку?
- 00:07:39,780 --> 00:07:40,900 Буду рад помочь, Рик.
- 00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:44,880 Не хочу тебя беспокоить, но после нашего утреннего похода я начал получать очень слабые
- 00:07:44,910 --> 00:07:47,280 и очень необычные сигналы на свой под-эфировый телефон.
- 00:07:47,410 --> 00:07:48,100 Слушай.
- 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,100 Сломался. Отнеси в ремонт.
- 00:07:54,290 --> 00:07:58,140 Я вернулся к раскладушке только для важных звонков. Если и нужно поговорить,
- 00:07:58,160 --> 00:07:59,360 то лучше с глазу на глаз.
- 00:07:59,810 --> 00:08:03,170 Я отследил звонок до того спа-салона, в котором мы были, Морти.
- 00:08:03,190 --> 00:08:06,270 Мне показалось, что я услышал там голос, поэтому усилил сигнал. Послушай.
- 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:08,960 Эй, козлина!
- 00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:09,700 Вот блин.
- 00:08:09,730 --> 00:08:10,460 Помнишь нас?
- 00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:11,800 Не люблю стычки.
- 00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:13,660 Вы нас наебали, куски отходов!
- 00:08:13,690 --> 00:08:15,820 Всё верно. Вы - ёбаные отходы, а не мы.
- 00:08:15,850 --> 00:08:17,770 Я - невъебенный гений и бог!
- 00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:20,460 Ты серьёзно думал, что эта штука меня сдержит? Я разорву твою глотку...
- 00:08:20,950 --> 00:08:23,360 Морти, что если наши токсичные половины обладают своей личностью,
- 00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:26,770 своей волей к жизни? Что если моя обладает мои интеллектом
- 00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:28,350 и пытается придумать, как добраться до нас?
- 00:08:28,380 --> 00:08:29,590 Похоже, твоя половина страдает от боли.
- 00:08:30,270 --> 00:08:31,620 В ней очень много боли.
- 00:08:31,710 --> 00:08:33,550 Но тебе необязательно думать об этом,
- 00:08:33,570 --> 00:08:37,170 давай разберёмся с твоим недугом с помощью городской велосипедной йоги. Она потрясающая.
- 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,510 Ты занимаешься йогой на велике, но только для людей старше двенадцати...
- 00:08:39,530 --> 00:08:41,700 Я не уверен, что могу махнуть на это рукой, Морти.
- 00:08:41,820 --> 00:08:44,050 Если бы я знал, что так будет, то не пошёл бы на детоксикацию.
- 00:08:44,230 --> 00:08:46,230 Точнее, пошёл бы, потому что во мне были токсины.
- 00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:49,260 Но теперь их нет, и я должен за них отвечать, верно?
- 00:08:49,510 --> 00:08:50,510 Вот так дилемма.
- 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,790 Мне кажется, я знаю, что нужно сделать.
- 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:53,080 Морти!
- 00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:53,630 Рик!
- 00:08:54,380 --> 00:08:58,840 Знаешь, единственная проблема в этом большом толстом мозге в том, что он изголодался по большим толстым проблемам.
- 00:08:58,870 --> 00:09:00,630 Сфокусируйся на хорошем. Доверься мне.
- 00:09:00,650 --> 00:09:02,860 Всё хорошо. Если меня этого лишить...
- 00:09:03,670 --> 00:09:04,850 то кому-то не поздоровится.
- 00:09:08,780 --> 00:09:11,070 Блин, лучший дедушка на свете, правда.
- 00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:13,780 И это не пустые слова. Так оно и есть!
- 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,760 Люблю барабаны. Я никогда не брал уроки игры на барабанах. Почему? Ограничения.
- 00:09:21,790 --> 00:09:24,590 Мы привязаны к собственным ограничениям. Насколько это потрясающе?
- 00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:26,040 Капуста приготовлена на кухне?
- 00:09:26,140 --> 00:09:27,030 Мне воды.
- 00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:30,170 А что за... крудайт?
- 00:09:30,190 --> 00:09:32,580 Крудите. Это несколько морковных палочек.
- 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,490 Да всё нормально. Произноси, как захочешь. Слова - лишь штуки такие.
- 00:09:35,510 --> 00:09:37,140 Спасибо. Прошу, у нас тут беседа.
- 00:09:37,650 --> 00:09:40,370 Боже, как же я рад, что наконец-то ужинаю с тобой.
- 00:09:40,510 --> 00:09:42,460 Знаешь, как долго я этого ждал? Просто...
- 00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:46,860 Хотя лучше б ты заткнулась. Шучу. Ты такая тихая. Что не так?
- 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,940 Почему бы тебе не рассказать о себе? Какая атмосфера на планете Джессика?
- 00:09:49,970 --> 00:09:53,870 Где у неё экватор? Когда выходные и-и-и праздники?
- 00:09:53,890 --> 00:09:55,730 Они везде в одинаковый день? Поговори со мной.
- 00:09:55,750 --> 00:09:58,640 Ну... мне... нравится этот ресторан.
- 00:09:58,670 --> 00:10:01,860 Ёб вашу мать! Ёб вашу мать, у нас здесь тупица!
- 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,270 Какой же я дурак, поверить не могу, что не подумал об этом.
- 00:10:04,290 --> 00:10:08,060 Тебе надо пройти детоксикацию, как и я. Это инопланетное спа, ты заходишь туда и...
- 00:10:09,470 --> 00:10:09,970 а лазеры...
- 00:10:12,910 --> 00:10:15,620 Он всё высасывает. Всё, что меня сдерживало. Всё плохое.
- 00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:16,490 То есть, просто...
- 00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:18,090 Да?
- 00:10:18,630 --> 00:10:20,810 Круууууто.
- 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,010 Боже мой, не могу поверить.
- 00:10:23,030 --> 00:10:24,530 Да, телефоны ужасны, я вернулся к...
- 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,390 Я совершенно забыла свою...
- 00:10:26,610 --> 00:10:29,080 У меня есть штука и...
- 00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:31,380 Штука - это хорошо.
- 00:10:31,410 --> 00:10:34,030 А знаешь что? Почему я это делаю? Это даже хуже правды.
- 00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,410 Послушай, извини, Морти, я не думаю, что...
- 00:10:36,430 --> 00:10:40,690 Не продолжай. Можешь не объяснять, всё нормально.
- 00:10:40,730 --> 00:10:42,210 Мне кажется, тебе со мной будет скучно.
- 00:10:42,230 --> 00:10:45,820 Именно. Искры не летят. Как раз для этого и нужны свидания, понимаешь?
- 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,030 Первое свидание. Ни искр, никакого вреда, никаких переживаний.
- 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,930 Жизнь - это шоссе, мы будем ехать по нему всю ноооочь!
- 00:10:52,070 --> 00:10:53,180 Сейчас поем крудайт.
- 00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:55,050 Они натуральные?
- 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,000 Отлично. Что ж, вечер продолжается.
- 00:10:58,630 --> 00:11:00,350 Итак, поехали.
- 00:11:00,890 --> 00:11:04,070 Мэм, боюсь, у меня для Вас плохие новости. Ваши деньги здесь не пригодятся.
- 00:11:04,870 --> 00:11:06,230 Следующий коктейль за мой счёт, сэр.
- 00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:07,470 Разве ты не ребёнок?
- 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,530 Только там, где нужно. Морти.
- 00:11:10,350 --> 00:11:10,960 Стейси.
- 00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:13,620 Я смотрел, как ты пьёшь, Стейси. Сдаётся мне, у тебя тяжёлая работа.
- 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,630 Интересно, как угодить тебе? Вот на такую работу я бы хотел.
- 00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,070 Полставки, полная ставка...
- 00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:19,500 Буду я с ней справляться или нет...
- 00:11:19,590 --> 00:11:21,000 Повысят меня или уволят...
- 00:11:21,020 --> 00:11:23,530 Кабинет с большими окнами, агрессивное поглощение, несчатный случай на производстве...
- 00:11:23,670 --> 00:11:25,570 Я стою на коленях, Стейси, и молю...
- 00:11:25,780 --> 00:11:28,030 Боготворю, прошу... что захочешь...
- 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:29,550 Что на это скажешь?
- 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:32,840 Ладно. По хуям.
- 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:33,710 Дзинь.
- 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,870 Давай спросим у моего дедушки. Он - учёный. Эй, Рик!
- 00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,270 Эй, Рик, тебе знакома техника "Бенуа"?
- 00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:46,780 Отличные новости, Морти. Я вернулся в спа, и они позволили мне купить камеру сдерживания из детоксикатора.
- 00:11:46,810 --> 00:11:47,440 Зачем?
- 00:11:47,460 --> 00:11:48,920 Затем, что мы возвращаемся домой, сучара.
- 00:11:48,940 --> 00:11:49,590 Что это?
- 00:11:49,610 --> 00:11:52,210 Это - частица твоего ссыкливого деда, которая не боится быть собой.
- 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,140 О, по-моему, ты тоже кое-что уронил.
- 00:11:54,170 --> 00:11:56,610 Прошу, я не хочу, чтобы меня снимали. Я уродливый и страшный.
- 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:57,210 Мне уйти?
- 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,510 Ты сама себе хозяйка, Стейси.
- 00:11:58,530 --> 00:11:59,310 Тогда я хочу остаться.
- 00:11:59,430 --> 00:12:02,850 Рик, только не говори, что ты собираешься засунуть эти... штуки... обратно в нас.
- 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,520 Морти, извини, эти штуки живые и являются частью нас.
- 00:12:05,660 --> 00:12:08,060 Мы вышвынули их из дома и заточили в канистре.
- 00:12:08,290 --> 00:12:09,240 Уёбок!
- 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,590 Видишь? Они живут в боли.
- 00:12:10,610 --> 00:12:13,380 Этим они и занимаются. Живут в боли. Они сами - боль.
- 00:12:13,410 --> 00:12:17,200 Они - это всё плохое, что есть в нас. Что, кстати, включает и нашу нечестность.
- 00:12:17,220 --> 00:12:19,430 Откуда ты знаешь, что это не какая-нибудь безумная уловка?
- 00:12:19,460 --> 00:12:22,380 О, значит, если я полностью сделан из токсинов, то я - лжец?
- 00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:24,800 Иди нахуй, мелкий социопат. Ты слышал, Морти?
- 00:12:24,820 --> 00:12:26,850 Могу сказать, что все меня ненавидят. Вы все меня ненавидите...
- 00:12:26,870 --> 00:12:29,090 Заткнись, Морти. Здоровый Рик, мы это сделаем или что?
- 00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:31,260 Да. Извини, Морти, ты должен зайти в будку.
- 00:12:31,290 --> 00:12:33,950 Не веди переговоров с этим говнюком, тупица. Ты же Рик!
- 00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:36,460 Покажи, что доминируешь. Морти, в будку, сейчас.
- 00:12:36,550 --> 00:12:37,240 В будку!
- 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:38,670 Давай, Морти.
- 00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:39,380 Не трожь меня!
- 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,320 Морти, сделай полезное дело и добровольно верни себе токсины.
- 00:12:42,350 --> 00:12:43,610 Неееет!
- 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:44,990 Неправильно, если меня это возбуждает?
- 00:12:45,010 --> 00:12:47,350 Вытащи меня отсюда! Стейси, помоги! Открой дверь!
- 00:12:47,450 --> 00:12:49,280 Скажи стоп-слово, Морти.
- 00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,980 Морской огурец! Морской огурец!
- 00:12:51,290 --> 00:12:52,180 Что ты творишь?
- 00:12:52,210 --> 00:12:53,500 Я всё для тебя сделаю, Морти.
- 00:12:56,580 --> 00:12:59,560 Сработало! Ха-ха! Да! Идиот поверил моему каждому слову.
- 00:12:59,590 --> 00:13:01,960 Теперь посмотрим, по нраву ли ему жизнь в этой бочке с говном.
- 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:03,670 Он у меня за спиной, да?
- 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:04,870 Он стоит перед тобой.
- 00:13:04,890 --> 00:13:06,400 Оу, мои глаза ещё не приспособились.
- 00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:08,280 Эм, это типа секс-подземелье?
- 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,470 Наверное, стоило внимательней слушать.
- 00:13:11,270 --> 00:13:16,630 Спустя 70 лет заключения в этом сентиментальном болване мне наконец-то дадут пожить своей жизнью.
- 00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:17,660 Ты же сказал, мы станем единым целым.
- 00:13:17,690 --> 00:13:19,930 Я солгал, тупица! Я лгу направо и налево!
- 00:13:19,950 --> 00:13:22,040 На кой чёрт мне становиться единым целым с таким слюнтяем, как ты?
- 00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:24,250 Так... ты просто хотел заточить нас в этом баке?
- 00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:25,170 Та-таким был твой план?
- 00:13:25,190 --> 00:13:27,400 Не "был", пидорасина, а до сих пор есть.
- 00:13:28,220 --> 00:13:28,830 Убей его, Рик!
- 00:13:28,860 --> 00:13:30,250 Это не по мне! Ужас какой!
- 00:13:30,270 --> 00:13:31,410 Ладно, сам напросился.
- 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,850 А вот на это?
- 00:13:33,110 --> 00:13:34,810 Вот на это я напросился, а? На это?
- 00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:37,750 Выявляю угрозы для промежности.
- 00:13:37,770 --> 00:13:39,820 Система пах-пах 6000. Прикончь его!
- 00:13:40,670 --> 00:13:42,820 Это... пользователь промежности.
- 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,810 Поверь мне, этой штукой я пользовася куда больше, чем он.
- 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,690 Знаете что? Сами разбирайтесь.
- 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,730 Ты так хорошо меня знаешь.
- 00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:57,440 Какого чёрта, деда Рик?!
- 00:13:57,460 --> 00:13:58,450 - Пшла нах, Саммер. - Прости, Саммер.
- 00:14:00,150 --> 00:14:02,240 Лады, лады, давай успокоимся. Не делай этого.
- 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,860 Я люблю тебя. Хороший мальчик.
- 00:14:04,890 --> 00:14:05,780 Кто моя кроха?
- 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:06,760 Саммер, бегом отсюда! Быстрей!
- 00:14:06,790 --> 00:14:08,050 Оу, кто тут у нас?
- 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,650 К-к-кто это там?
- 00:14:09,670 --> 00:14:12,240 Оу, нет. Видишь того плохого дядю?
- 00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:13,870 Ты мой хороший мальчик, хватай его.
- 00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:14,940 Хватай его.
- 00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:19,520 Сукин с...
- 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:31,950 Неплохо, засранец.
- 00:14:31,980 --> 00:14:33,610 Мы можем во всем разобраться.
- 00:14:33,630 --> 00:14:35,080 Не стоит перегибать палку и прибегать к --
- 00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,930 Г-готово, Рик. Бак у меня!
- 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,750 Я-я кусок дерьма, но бак у меня!
- 00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:43,410 Ты отправишься прямиком в бак, сучёнок.
- 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,510 Будешь жить в этом токсичном пиздеце, как приходилось мне.
- 00:14:50,830 --> 00:14:53,290 Так-то, пидрила --- Прямиком в ебучий --
- 00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:56,420 Папы?
- 00:14:56,610 --> 00:14:58,410 Окей, просто -- не вмешивай её в это дело.
- 00:14:58,460 --> 00:14:59,470 Что происходит?
- 00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,900 Ладно, нахуй всё. Время плана Б.
- 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:04,230 Если я не могу заточить вас в токсичный мир, то сделаю этот мир токсичным.
- 00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:07,450 Всё в порядке, девочки.
- 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,310 Мне-мне очень жаль, что моё поведение подвергло нас опасности.
- 00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:12,930 Е-если хотите, я могу сходить в огород,
- 00:15:12,950 --> 00:15:15,370 нарвать свежего базилика, и сварганить нам отличный Скалопини.
- 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,890 Что имела в виду твоя козявочная версия, когда говорила, что собирается сделать мир токсичным?
- 00:15:19,910 --> 00:15:22,930 Поверь, солнышко, мотивации этого персонажа - настоящая загадка.
- 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,780 К чёрту всё, Рик. Мы должны остановить его.
- 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,320 Что бы ты сделал с этим баком в последнюю очередь?
- 00:15:27,340 --> 00:15:29,360 Морти, я ценю твои стремления, но
- 00:15:29,390 --> 00:15:30,800 не наше это дело, понимаешь?
- 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,580 Вершить судьбы и решать какой мир не постигнет какой конец.
- 00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:36,350 У наших токсинов столько же прав на своё мировосприятие, сколько и --
- 00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:38,260 Морти, это не очень здорово давать мне леща.
- 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:42,680 Очевидно, моя здоровая версия в хреналион раз отличается от твоей, ты, бесполезный старый хрыч.
- 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:43,470 Постой. Вот оно.
- 00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:48,130 Как аппарат детоксикации отличает полезное от вредного для всего, что через него проходит?
- 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:52,240 Это невозможно. Должно быть, он определяет, что мы сами считаем токсичным.
- 00:15:52,260 --> 00:15:53,110 Что значит...
- 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,900 - Папа! - Ка-Какого чёрта, Рик?
- 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:56,860 Объясню по пути.
- 00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:03,420 Это Башня Лунного Света, Морти, у-у-у неё идеальная высота и металлическая структура для усиления и облучения токсичной энергии.
- 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:04,530 Как тебе такое, Морти?
- 00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:05,860 Разве ты не взволнован, Морти?
- 00:16:05,890 --> 00:16:08,550 Вот блин. Мне очень страшно. З-здесь жутко высоко.
- 00:16:08,580 --> 00:16:12,340 Как только я дёрну рубильник, весь мир станет таким же токсичным, как мы, детка.
- 00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:21,100 Отче наш, сущий на небесах! Да святится --
- 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:24,150 Бога нет! Мы выдумали его ради денег!
- 00:16:29,770 --> 00:16:33,930 Санты не существует. Ваши родители не хотели вас!
- 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,250 Мы, блядь, это сделали, Морти.
- 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,260 Подними свои грабли в воздух!
- 00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:40,600 Да, мелкий ты кусок дерьма.
- 00:16:41,490 --> 00:16:42,250 Помнишь меня?
- 00:16:42,270 --> 00:16:44,900 Ты так и не понял, что тебе меня не одолеть?
- 00:16:44,930 --> 00:16:46,890 Да, понял. А ещё я понял кое-что другое.
- 00:16:46,910 --> 00:16:47,640 Вот что.
- 00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:51,150 В этой пуле содержится зашифрованный вирус-нанобот,
- 00:16:51,170 --> 00:16:53,700 который разложит твоего Морти изнутри где-то за... а, двадцать минут.
- 00:16:53,730 --> 00:16:54,930 Думаешь, мне не насрать?
- 00:16:54,950 --> 00:16:56,410 Я знаю, что тебе не насрать, болван.
- 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:57,540 Потому что мне всё равно.
- 00:16:57,570 --> 00:16:58,800 Вот что я ещё знаю --
- 00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:00,890 ключ к расшифровке для нейтрализации вируса.
- 00:17:00,910 --> 00:17:02,250 Ты его хочешь? Ну так пойди и возьми.
- 00:17:02,270 --> 00:17:03,830 Стань со мной одним целым, и ты спасешь его.
- 00:17:03,850 --> 00:17:07,360 Пффт. Да брось, чел. Я был заточен в твоей ссыкливой башке 70 полных иллюзий лет.
- 00:17:07,380 --> 00:17:10,540 Но это самый что ни на есть очевиднейший блеф, который я когда-либо --
- 00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:12,400 Бог ты мой! Что ты творишь?!
- 00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:14,790 -Он сократил твоё время вдвое. Десять минут. -Ооо! Как больно!
- 00:17:14,820 --> 00:17:15,640 Что с тобой не так?
- 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,630 Оу, со мной всё совершенно так -- непомерное самомнение,
- 00:17:17,660 --> 00:17:19,710 нарциссизм, непосильное одиночество,
- 00:17:19,730 --> 00:17:21,860 мои нерациональные привязанности.
- 00:17:21,890 --> 00:17:23,920 Где-то же они должны быть, но уж точно не здесь, братец.
- 00:17:23,940 --> 00:17:25,390 Я ни за что не вернусь!
- 00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:27,000 Честно говоря, в любом случае мне всё равно.
- 00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:28,140 Ты - часть меня, которую я ненавижу.
- 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,840 И когда я говорю "честно", то можешь мне поверить,
- 00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:31,490 мы оба знаем, я слишком здоров, чтобы солгать.
- 00:17:31,510 --> 00:17:32,040 Смотри.
- 00:17:32,810 --> 00:17:35,330 Хорошо! Завязывай с этим! Тебе некому что-то доказывать.
- 00:17:35,350 --> 00:17:37,330 Морти, не то, чтобы мне не было пох, но ты в порядке?
- 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,380 -Господи Иисусе, как больно. -Успокойся, прекращай ныть.
- 00:17:39,410 --> 00:17:41,380 В-в-всё будет в хорошо. Деда с тобой.
- 00:17:41,410 --> 00:17:42,950 Тебе смешно?
- 00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:44,760 Полезно обладать чувством юмора в таких ситуациях.
- 00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:46,010 О, так у тебя его нет.
- 00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:48,220 Ты буквально не способен уловить всю соль.
- 00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:51,870 Меня это забавляет, потому что ты только и делал, что ныл, потому что я был главным.
- 00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:54,690 Но стоит отдать тебе штурвал, и уже через пять минут мы - трупы.
- 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,400 -Рик? -Ты больное, жалкое, тупое животное.
- 00:17:57,650 --> 00:17:58,100 Рик?!
- 00:17:59,650 --> 00:18:01,440 Сделай это! Сделай это, кусок ты...
- 00:18:03,610 --> 00:18:07,130 Я вернулся, крошка! Обычный Рик! Хозяин обоих миров!
- 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:07,890 Зацени-ка!
- 00:18:08,570 --> 00:18:10,150 "Извиняюсь."
- 00:18:10,170 --> 00:18:12,680 Теперь мы просто переключим этот дурацкий токсичный луч.
- 00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,470 Блин, я и правда заморачиваюсь, когда злюсь.
- 00:18:17,590 --> 00:18:18,720 О, давай, ещё.
- 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,650 Бог... он... есть.
- 00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:35,110 Мама! Мамочка!
- 00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:38,310 Ха! Лады, Морти, сделаем единым и твой мелкий зад.
- 00:18:38,330 --> 00:18:40,910 Ты лучше меня, Рик. Я достаточно здоров, чтобы принять это.
- 00:18:41,390 --> 00:18:43,760 Этот малой настоящая заноза в заднице.
- 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:44,620 Т-т-ты ведь спасешь меня?
- 00:18:45,310 --> 00:18:47,050 Часть меня хотела, токсичный Морти.
- 00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:49,620 Часть меня очень хотела этого.
- 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:51,480 Нью-Йорк. Три недели спустя.
- 00:18:51,790 --> 00:18:53,760 Говорю тебе, эти акции просто огонь! Ага.
- 00:18:53,790 --> 00:18:55,750 Это просто отличная идея! Определенно отличная идея!
- 00:18:55,770 --> 00:18:58,180 Дуэйн, Дуэйн, Дуэйн, я тебя понял, теперь пойми меня.
- 00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,610 Я хоть раз тебе врал?
- 00:18:59,950 --> 00:19:03,290 Именно! Спроси любого, Морти не лжёт, Дуэйн.
- 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,460 Выложу тебе всё, как есть.
- 00:19:04,490 --> 00:19:09,600 Этот пакет - рыжеволосая красотка, недавно рассталась, она не ждёт цветов, но уже готова к любви.
- 00:19:09,620 --> 00:19:12,260 И судьба расположила её шкафчик в двух шагах от твоего, Дуэйн --
- 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,150 Всего в двух шагах.
- 00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:16,090 Так что сделай первый шаг или шагай отсюда, Дуэйн.
- 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,610 Синюю или красную? Какую ты примешь, бро?
- 00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:23,520 Я тебя понял, Дуэйн. Ты здесь босс.
- 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,400 Биотехнологии Хайнхольц.
- 00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:27,530 полтора миллиона за тридцать три.
- 00:19:29,490 --> 00:19:31,220 Ах, ёбаный ты зверь.
- 00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:36,890 Ммм! Натуральное?
- 00:19:37,370 --> 00:19:38,160 Ммм!
- 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:41,180 Морти у телефона.
- 00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:43,170 Привет, Морти. Это Джессика.
- 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,520 Слушай, мы можем поговорить минутку?
- 00:19:45,550 --> 00:19:47,860 Этого достаточно, чтобы Рик отследил меня?
- 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,860 Вернись, Морти. Я скучаю.
- 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:50,980 Ты скучаешь по старому мне.
- 00:19:51,010 --> 00:19:52,320 Ты скучаешь по тому, кто сходил по тебе с ума
- 00:19:52,350 --> 00:19:53,600 так сильно, что ты не давала ничего взамен.
- 00:19:53,630 --> 00:19:55,280 С чего ты взял, что я не хочу ответить взаимностью?
- 00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,930 -Потому что я не болен. -Твоя бывшая?
- 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,560 -Мне стоит ревновать? -Тут нет повода ревновать.
- 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,430 Я только что поняла, что выступаю с речью на
- 00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:04,370 мероприятии по сбору средств в вечер нашего свидания.
- 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,220 -Я могу всё отменить. -Мы будем вместе. Это и есть свидание.
- 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,250 Ты идеальный мужчина.
- 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,640 Оу, дорогой, кажется, ты нажал не ту кнопку. Ты не повесил трубку.
- 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,890 Ха. Вот оно как?
- 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,790 Прости, мини Американский Психопат,
- 00:20:21,810 --> 00:20:24,010 время принимать лекарства с негативным эффектом.
- 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,260 Делай то, что должен.
- 00:20:29,950 --> 00:20:31,760 Ну что, как ты, Морти?
- 00:20:31,790 --> 00:20:34,370 - Вот блин, я жалок. - Ну, как? Хорош ли я?
- 00:20:34,390 --> 00:20:36,790 Думаю, это того стоит, знать, что я тебе небезразличен.
- 00:20:36,810 --> 00:20:39,490 Небезразличен? Мне? Морти, между нами ничего нет.
- 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,900 -Я это сделала из-за него. -Ах ты лживая сука!
- 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,140 Она пробиралась в наш дом, Морти, и без конца доставала меня:
- 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,860 "Не -- не -- н-не нашёлся ли у вас новый Морти?"
- 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,720 Потому что ты звонил мне в пьяном угаре и плакался об этом.
- 00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:49,400 Не плакался я!
- 00:20:49,420 --> 00:20:50,800 Жаклин, я --
- 00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:52,690 Я-я-я не тот, кем тебе представлялся.
- 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:56,330 Так ты не 14-летний мальчуган с Среднего Запада, который сбежал из семьи
- 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:59,620 и нажился на собстевнной несознательности, став биржевым брокером?
- 00:20:59,650 --> 00:21:01,960 Оу. Видимо, я и впрямь говорил всё, как есть, да?
- 00:21:01,980 --> 00:21:04,750 Ты говорил истину. Ты был моей родственной душой.
- 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,620 Что ж... Б-- Больше нет. Я, эм...
- 00:21:08,790 --> 00:21:12,270 Можешь оставить себе квартиру и -- и -- и, э... и дронов.
- 00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:15,950 Хрен ей, а не дронов. Они трансформируются в маленького Вольтрона. Они крутецкие.
- 00:21:17,370 --> 00:21:18,780 Хрен тебе, а не дронов.
- 00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:22,430 Так как твоё свидание с Брэдом?
- 00:21:22,450 --> 00:21:24,180 Это было не свидание. Мы просто пообедали вместе.
- 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,140 Вы ребята собираетесь сойтись, не так ли?
- 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:27,760 Морти, ты мне нужен для приключения.
- 00:21:27,790 --> 00:21:28,900 Эх, "нужен" - довольно сильное слово.
- 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,780 Нам нужны дверные ограничители, но и кирпичи сойдут.
- 00:21:30,820 --> 00:21:31,460 Хорошо.
- 00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:34,620 Морти.
- 00:21:35,830 --> 00:21:37,150 Хорошо, что ты вернулся.
- 00:21:38,890 --> 00:21:40,370 Тебе делали золотой дождь?
- 00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:41,990 О, мой бог. Вкусняшка.
- 00:21:43,170 --> 00:21:46,450 ♪ Эй, а ты хочешь подержать мою терригнуську? ♪
- 00:21:46,820 --> 00:21:49,680 ♪ Она прямо здесь. Хватай мой террифлаб. ♪
- 00:21:49,890 --> 00:21:53,250 ♪ Сожми его. Хватай, сжимай, уткнись в мой террифлаб. ♪
- 00:21:53,670 --> 00:21:57,190 ♪ Эй, я тебя приглашу на Танец терригнуськи. ♪
- 00:21:57,650 --> 00:22:00,470 ♪ Хочешь со мной? Схвати меня за мои держуськи. ♪
- 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:02,280 ♪ Сожми их крепко. ♪
- 00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:06,090 ♪ Мразина, пососи мои держиписоськи. ♪
- 00:22:06,330 --> 00:22:08,760 ♪ Лизни мою дыру дергуськи. ♪
- 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,250 ♪ Мои террифлабы у тебя во рту. ♪
- 00:22:11,650 --> 00:22:13,970 ♪ Сосни мои флабы, кусок дерьма. ♪
- 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:22,190 Несмотря на то, что на сегодняшний день эти башни можно на руках пересчитать, они были очень популярны в конце 19 века.
- 00:22:22,210 --> 00:22:24,480 Целый город мог быть освещён...
- 00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:26,050 Что это за фигня?
- 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,580 Морской огурец! Морской огурец!
- 00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:02,586 [ Bell rings, lockers slam ]
- 00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,755 So, Jessica, I heard you broke up with Brad.
- 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:06,882 Who are you gonna date now that you can date anyone?
- 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:07,841 I don't know.
- 00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:11,303 I mean, obviously if someone special comes along...
- 00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:13,514 B-But I mean <i>really</i> special, like,
- 00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,891 nothing I've even remotely considered in the past.
- 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,643 -Holy shit, holy shit. -I want that kind of love
- 00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:19,102 -like that docking kind of love. -Oh, yeah.
- 00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:21,855 Like, penis in the foreskin kind of love,
- 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,233 just, like, warm, just like...
- 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:28,612 [ Exhaling ] He... [ Coughs ]
- 00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:29,863 [ Footsteps approach ]
- 00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,406 -[ Inhales ] -Everybody fuck off.
- 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,741 Morty, I need your help.
- 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,535 W-W-W-We... We need to go on a quick adventure.
- 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,119 You said I could go to school today.
- 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,163 That was be[burps]fore I needed something, Morty.
- 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:40,332 There's a plasma shard in the Abadango Cluster.
- 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,834 A princess has it. If I get it, I'll be awesome.
- 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,462 We've been going nonstop, Rick. It's not healthy.
- 00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:46,964 You know, these are my teenage years.
- 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:48,924 I-I just found out Jessica's single.
- 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,302 Oh, that's... Wow, Morty. Wow. What an exciting life you lead.
- 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:54,638 Let's go. In and out, 20 minutes adventure.
- 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:59,184 -They're on our tail! -Steady, Morty. Five cetons.
- 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,358 Steady, God damn it! Two cetons.
- 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,859 -[ Engine sputters ] -MORTY: Wha!
- 00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,487 [ Gasps, moans ]
- 00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:14,324 -Fire! -[ Screams ]
- 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,328 Pull up, Morty, pull up! Pull up!
- 00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:19,496 [ Morty screams ]
- 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,832 [ Both screaming ]
- 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:31,258 [ Cheers and applause, triumphant music plays ]
- 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,429 [ Bottles clink ]
- 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:43,186 [ Both sighing ]
- 00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:47,232 -Fuck. -[ Sobs ]
- 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:50,110 [ Screams ]
- 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:51,945 Oh, fuck!
- 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,238 Fuck!
- 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:55,866 Aah! Aah!
- 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,868 I can't fucking do this anymore!
- 00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,412 That was seriously fucked up. We almost died.
- 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:01,872 -So you agree? -Fuck yes!
- 00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:03,498 That w... T-This was insane!
- 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:04,625 That was pure luck.
- 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:07,127 I was not in control of that situation at all.
- 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:11,298 [ Sobs, screams ]
- 00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,258 Look at this, Morty. Look at my fucking hand.
- 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:14,259 Look at this shit.
- 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,553 Why do you keep doing this to us?!
- 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,388 I don't know, Morty. Maybe I hate myself.
- 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:20,807 Maybe I think I deserve to die. I-I-I-I don't... I don't know!
- 00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:24,478 [ Wails ]
- 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,438 We need a vacation.
- 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:29,066 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,931 [ Relaxing music plays ]
- 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:04,434 [ Device beeps, alien purrs ]
- 00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,478 -Isn't that something? -You were right.
- 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,271 Best day spa in the galaxy.
- 00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:09,272 It's not even cruel, either.
- 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,274 These things are just doing what they do in the wild.
- 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,068 They love swallowing stressed-out creatures
- 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,653 for 20 minutes and then puking them up.
- 00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,988 My whole body's like a baby's ass.
- 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:19,199 Complimentary psychological detox?
- 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,659 Removes all your cognitive toxins
- 00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,202 [ Gurgles ] purifies your system.
- 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,745 Oof, this guy on commission or something?
- 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,789 I don't think... Are you on commission?
- 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,541 We're not on commission. We get paid by the hour.
- 00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:29,167 [ Phlegmy ] There's no incentive, really...
- 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:30,210 Oh, my God. Okay, listen.
- 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:31,545 W-W-W-We'll try the machine,
- 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:33,422 but... but I'd like you to try something.
- 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,216 Try swallowing the giant ball of snot
- 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,593 that's dangling around in the back of your throat.
- 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,595 It's disgusting. Nobody wants to hear that.
- 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,305 [ Clears throat ]
- 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,641 -That's what you do. -Okay, Rick, come on. Enough.
- 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:47,102 Man, did you hear me bite that guy's head off?
- 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,520 -Geez, I really need to chill. -[ Whirring ]
- 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,021 Maybe you should go through twice.
- 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:52,733 All right, mister comedy man, you don't have to bust my balls.
- 00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:54,359 -You're not helping things. -[ Clanking, buzzing ]
- 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,528 Rick, is this thing supposed to be making this
- 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:57,904 [ Distorted ] noise?
- 00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,865 [ High-pitched ringing ]
- 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:02,117 [ Gurgling ]
- 00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,497 [ Echoing ] Morty!
- 00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,124 -Ri-Rick. -Morty!
- 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,084 [ Groans ] What happened?
- 00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,128 We blew up, idiot! Are you really that stupid?
- 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,046 Obviously the guy I yelled at overloaded the machine.
- 00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:18,133 It takes more than that to kill Rick and Morty, motherfucker!
- 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:21,011 [ Roaring ]
- 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:22,053 But this might do it.
- 00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,347 -Run, Morty! -E-Everything hurts!
- 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:25,849 GUNK RICK: That's because you're worthless!
- 00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,602 [ Grunts ] Jesus, how big was this explosion?
- 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,270 I'm a genius. I don't have time for this shit.
- 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,230 W-W-We're in hell, aren't we, Rick?
- 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,399 You're so stupid, Morty. You're an i[burps]diot.
- 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,276 [ Burps ] There's no such thing as hell.
- 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,361 I believe you, but I just want to die.
- 00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:41,364 You can die when I say so. I control you.
- 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,784 I control the universe! Why am I bragging about that?
- 00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:44,951 I have nothing to prove.
- 00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:47,662 I'm surrounded by inferior pieces of shit and...
- 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:50,749 Toxins.
- 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,251 We're not in hell, Morty. We're in the detoxifier.
- 00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:55,212 The machine didn't blow up. It worked normally.
- 00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:56,630 It removed our toxins.
- 00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:57,881 -<i>We're</i> the toxins. -[ Screams ]
- 00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:00,759 Are you listening, you stupid little garbage person?!
- 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,928 We're what got removed!
- 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:08,099 I hope you both found that detox sufficiently relaxing.
- 00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:10,435 Hey, man, listen, those comments I made about your throat?
- 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:11,728 [ Clears throat ] It's all good.
- 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:13,480 It's nice of you to let me off the hook.
- 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:16,233 It's still unacceptable behavior, and I do regret it.
- 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:18,193 Believe me, man, I've been working here a longtime.
- 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,152 I get it.
- 00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:24,991 Hey, uh, you mind if I put on some music?
- 00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,117 Not at all.
- 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:27,369 <i>[ Slow-tempo music plays ]</i>
- 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,746 <i>♪ Grab my terrifolds ♪</i>
- 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,581 -What is that? -I just hit shuffle.
- 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,958 -Are you kidding? -[ Chuckles ]
- 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,585 This universe. [ Belches ] Oh, excuse me.
- 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,504 We should listen to one random song a day, you know?
- 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,089 We'd end up hearing more songs we didn't like,
- 00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:40,924 but we'd discover a lot more that we did.
- 00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,551 That is an interesting concept.
- 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:43,802 You know, it makes me wonder
- 00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,178 if there's an algorithmic expression
- 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:46,888 that could achieve the ideal ratio.
- 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,181 [ Chuckles ] Listen to me
- 00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:50,934 [ Laughs ] trying to calculate happiness over here.
- 00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:52,477 Hoo, if anyone could, Rick.
- 00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:54,437 Hey, here's something no science could measure.
- 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,565 I'm real proud to be your grandpa, Morty.
- 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,650 Thanks, Rick. I love you.
- 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:01,152 Yeah, motherfucker! Yeah! Get it! Get some!
- 00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,488 Right up your fucking bitch ass, you fuck!
- 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,448 Guess who just discovered a new element?!
- 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:06,741 You think you could do that, Morty?
- 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,870 You think anyone but me could do that ever in a billion years?
- 00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:12,038 Do you think if God existed he could do it?
- 00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:13,081 The answer is no.
- 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,458 If God exists, it's fucking me.
- 00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,127 Yes, Rick. I-I agree, Rick.
- 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:19,796 While you were flapping your parasitic turd holster,
- 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,673 I discovered the toxic equivalent
- 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:22,799 of electricity, Morty.
- 00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:23,884 What do you think about that?
- 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,760 Uh... I th... I think my voice is annoying.
- 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,554 It is, <i>and</i> it's your best quality.
- 00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,139 So true.
- 00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,308 Now, who can tell me the common denominator
- 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,184 of these two fractions?
- 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,520 You don't know or y'all just bored?
- 00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,981 Hey, listen, you know, wha... if we're all bored over here,
- 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,983 wouldn't the common denominator be [chuckles] you?
- 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,402 -[ Laughter ] -Damn, Morty. That's hilarious.
- 00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:44,905 Normally I would come down on any kind of disruption,
- 00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,656 but it seems to represent a positive change
- 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:47,657 for your character.
- 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:48,867 -Class dismissed! -[ Chatter ]
- 00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:51,411 -Awesome, Morty! -You done good, Morty.
- 00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:52,495 -GIRL: Oh, yeah! -[ Bell rings ]
- 00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:53,914 -Thanks for the advice, Morty. -You got it.
- 00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:55,665 -I did it, Morty! -I knew you could.
- 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:56,875 Hey, Morty, remember yesterday
- 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,418 when I couldn't play the trombone?
- 00:06:58,543 --> 00:06:59,794 Well, check this out!
- 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,254 [ "When the Saints Go Marching In" plays ]
- 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:02,756 Just like I told you, Mitch.
- 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,758 The music was in your heart the whole time.
- 00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:05,884 Stupid hat.
- 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,845 Wish I had the courage to just be myself.
- 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:10,221 There you are.
- 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,307 [ Music continues ]
- 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,225 You might have all these idiots fooled,
- 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,728 but I know you're still the same pathetic loser
- 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,980 hiding behind a confident facade.
- 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:20,607 I know that because...
- 00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,859 I'm doing the same thing, brother.
- 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,612 -I'm not alone anymore! -[ Music resumes ]
- 00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:28,782 Hey, Morty. Word around school is you've become super healthy.
- 00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:30,033 I don't know about all that.
- 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,452 I do, however, know that I have a pretty bad case of
- 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,704 haven't taken you to dinner-itis.
- 00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:36,206 Might be fatal. [ Chuckles ]
- 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:38,041 Hey, kids. Uh, hope I'm not interrupting.
- 00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,459 Morty, a moment of your time?
- 00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:40,877 Happy to help, Rick.
- 00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:41,962 I hate to bug you with this,
- 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:44,547 but after our morning hike, I started receiving very faint,
- 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,925 highly unusual transmissions on my sub-ether phone.
- 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,009 -Listen. -[ Cellphone beeps ]
- 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,554 <i>[ Demonic whooshing, screams ]</i>
- 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,932 -[ Beep ] -It's a bad phone. Chuck it.
- 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:56,142 I downgraded to a clamshell for emergencies only.
- 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,894 You know, if... if... if something's worth saying,
- 00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,145 i-it's worth eye contact.
- 00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:01,439 Uh, I-I-I traced the source of the call
- 00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:02,941 back to the spa we went to, Morty.
- 00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,275 I thought I could hear a voice in there,
- 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:05,986 so I enhanced it, a-and listen.
- 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,570 <i>[ Screaming ]</i>
- 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,489 -GUNK RICK: <i>Hey, asshole!</i> -GUNK MORTY: <i>Oh, man!</i>
- 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:11,449 <i>-Remember us?</i> <i>-I don't like confrontation!</i>
- 00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:13,326 GUNK RICK: <i>You fucked us,</i> <i>you pieces of garbage!</i>
- 00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:15,537 <i>That's right,</i> <i>you're fucking garbage, not us.</i>
- 00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,455 <i>I'm a fucking genius and a god.</i>
- 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:18,915 <i>You really think</i> <i>this thing can hold me?</i>
- 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,542 <i>-I'm gonna rip your throat...</i> -[ Beep ]
- 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,169 Morty, what if the toxic parts of us have their own identities,
- 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:24,379 their own will to live?
- 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,214 W-What if mine shares my intelligence
- 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,091 and devised a way to reach out to us?
- 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,384 Sounds like he's in a lot of pain.
- 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,386 [ Smacks lips ] Lot. O. Pain.
- 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,263 But, you know, you shouldn't have to deal with that, man.
- 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:34,723 You know, l-let's work off your trauma
- 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,099 with some urban spin yoga.
- 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,059 It's amazing. You do yoga on a bike,
- 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,227 but you have an at-risk preteen...
- 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,438 I don't think I can just blow this off, Morty.
- 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:43,898 If I had known it worked this way, I wouldn't have detoxed.
- 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,984 Well, I would have because I was toxic.
- 00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:49,237 Now I'm detoxed and I'm accountable to my toxins, right?
- 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:52,198 -I-It's a dilemma. -I think I know what to do.
- 00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,867 -Morty! -Rlck! [ Laughs ]
- 00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:56,161 You know, the only problem here is a big fat brain
- 00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:58,621 that misses eating all them big fat problems.
- 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:01,332 Focus on the good things. Trust me, things are good.
- 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,209 Taking that away from me [ Chuckles ]
- 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,045 that wouldn't be healthy.
- 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,504 [ Ominous music plays ]
- 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,298 [ Laughs ]
- 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,800 Oh, man. World's Greatest Grandpa, for reals.
- 00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,635 It's not just a coffee cup for you, bud.
- 00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,054 You're legit.
- 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:18,641 [ Piano music plays ]
- 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,185 I love drums. I never took drum lessons.
- 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:23,229 Why? Limitations. We are addicted to our own limitations.
- 00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:24,314 How amazing is that?
- 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:25,732 Is the kale prepared in the kitchen?
- 00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,400 -I'll have a water. -Uh...
- 00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,861 how is the..."cru-dite?"
- 00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,280 Crudité. It's a cup of carrot sticks.
- 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,199 Ha! It's okay! Pronounce it however you want.
- 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:35,867 Words are just things. Please. Thank you.
- 00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,202 We're having a conversation.
- 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:40,121 God, I am so excited to finally have dinner with you.
- 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:41,581 You know how long I've been waiting for this?
- 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:43,083 It's like, whew!
- 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,709 I-I-I wish you'd shut up, though.
- 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,377 Just kidding. You know, you're so quiet. What's wrong?
- 00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:47,754 W-Why don't you tell me about yourself?
- 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,672 What's the atmosphere like on planet Jessica?
- 00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:50,840 Where's the equator?
- 00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:53,051 What are the vacations a-and the holidays?
- 00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:54,886 I mean, you know [ Laughs ] are they the same time?
- 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,055 -Talk to me. -Well...I...
- 00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,515 like this restaurant.
- 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,476 Holy shit! Holy shit! We have a moron over here!
- 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,519 I'm an idiot.
- 00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:03,978 I can't believe I haven't thought of this.
- 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,022 You have to do this detox thing I did.
- 00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,816 It's at an alien spa. You go through it.
- 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,985 Fwoos-s-s-ssh, lasers, bwaa-bwaa-bwaa.
- 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,530 [ Imitates lasers ] Sucks everything out.
- 00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,281 Everything that was holding me back, everything bad,
- 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,783 I mean, it just [ Makes suction noises ]
- 00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:17,784 [ Laughs ] Right?
- 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:20,370 Cooooool.
- 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,789 Oh, my God! I can't believe this.
- 00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:24,082 Yeah, phones are awful. I downgraded to...
- 00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:26,251 I totally forgot my...
- 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,754 I have a...thing, and...
- 00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:31,381 -Things are good. -You know what?
- 00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,758 Why am I doing that? That's more rude than the truth.
- 00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,386 Look, I'm sorry, Morty. I just don't think...
- 00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:39,389 Do not. Even. You have no need to explain.
- 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,390 It's all good.
- 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,933 I think you'd get bored with me.
- 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,852 E-Exactly. Look, the sparks aren't flying.
- 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,603 This is what dating is for, you know?
- 00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,564 [ Laughs ] First date, no sparks.
- 00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:49,899 No damage, no worries. Life is a highway.
- 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,734 We're gonna ride it all night lonnngg!
- 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,820 Gonna eat some "crudite." Mmm!
- 00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:56,281 Is this organic? Mmm. All right.
- 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,116 You know, the evening continues.
- 00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:00,410 Okay, here we go.
- 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,704 Ma'am, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.
- 00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,455 Your money's no good here. [ Laughs ]
- 00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:05,957 I'll... I'll get the next round, sir.
- 00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:08,668 -Aren't you a child? -Only in the ways that matter.
- 00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,628 -Morty. -[ Sighs ] Stacy.
- 00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:12,005 I've been watching you drink, Stacy.
- 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,548 I get the feeling you've got a hard job.
- 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,216 I wonder what it takes to please you.
- 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,719 That's the job I want... part time, full time,
- 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,304 I want to be good at it, bad at it.
- 00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:22,307 I want to get promoted, fired, corner office, hostile takeover,
- 00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:23,349 workplace accident.
- 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:24,684 I'm on my knees, Stacy,
- 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:27,478 praying, worshiping, begging, whatever you want.
- 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,981 [ Sniffs ] What do you think about that?
- 00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,650 Okay. Fuck it.
- 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:33,651 -[ Glasses clink ] -Tink.
- 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,905 -[ Tires screech ] -STACY: [ Giggling ] Mm!
- 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,907 MORTY: Let's ask my grandpa. He's a scientist.
- 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,993 Hey, Rick, are you familiar with Ben Wa technology?
- 00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:43,036 Morty, great news.
- 00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:44,579 I went back to the spa, and they let me purchase
- 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,331 the containment unit from their detoxifier.
- 00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:47,290 Why?
- 00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:48,666 Because we're coming home, bitch!
- 00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:49,500 What is this?
- 00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:51,920 This is the parts of your pussy grandpa that keep it real.
- 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,796 Oh... Oh, and I think you dropped something, too!
- 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:56,299 I don't want to be on-camera. I'm ugly and gross. Please.
- 00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,092 -Should I go? -You're your own person, Stacy.
- 00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,302 Then I'd like to stay.
- 00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:00,345 Rick, please tell me
- 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,722 you're not trying to put that stuff back inside of us.
- 00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,350 Morty, I'm sorry. That stuff is alive and it belongs with us.
- 00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,518 We yanked them from their homes and locked them in a can.
- 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,062 -[ Clanks ] -Motherfucker!
- 00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:10,521 See? They're living in pain.
- 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,148 That's what they do, Rick. They live in pain.
- 00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:13,441 They <i>are</i> pain, you know?
- 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,401 Th-They're all the bad parts of us, which, by the way,
- 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:16,653 includes our dishonesty,
- 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,239 so how do you know this isn't all some sort of crazy trick?
- 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:21,074 Oh, so now because I'm made entirely of toxins,
- 00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:22,116 I'm also a liar?
- 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,410 Fuck you, you little sociopath. You hear this, Morty?
- 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:25,828 Oh, everybody hates me. I can tell.
- 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:27,247 -Y-You all hate me... -All right, shut up, Morty.
- 00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:28,539 Healthy Rick, are we doing this or what?
- 00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:30,750 Yep. Sorry, Morty. I need you to step into the booth.
- 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,919 Don't negotiate with that little turd, dummy.
- 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:35,046 You're the Rick. You need to show dominance.
- 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,924 Morty, booth, now. Booth!
- 00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,175 -Come on, Morty. -Don't touch me!
- 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,011 Morty, do the healthy thing and voluntarily retoxify yourself.
- 00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:43,012 Nooooo!
- 00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:44,931 Is it wrong if I think this is kind of hot?
- 00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,016 Let me out of here! Stacy, help! Open the door!
- 00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:49,185 I need to hear our safe word, Morty.
- 00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,728 Sea Cucumber! Sea Cucumber!
- 00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:51,604 What are you doing?
- 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,523 I'll do anything for you, Morty.
- 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,900 [ Booth hisses, whirs ]
- 00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:59,279 It worked! [ Laughs ] Yes! That idiot believed every word.
- 00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:01,906 Now let's see how <i>he</i> enjoys living in that shit tank.
- 00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,408 He's right behind me, isn't he?
- 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:06,160 -He's in <i>front</i> of you. -My eyes are still adjusting.
- 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,996 Uh, is this like a sex dungeon?
- 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,415 I guess I should've been paying attention.
- 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,042 GUNK RICK: After 70 years of being bottled up
- 00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,919 inside a [burps] sentimental jackass,
- 00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:16,337 I finally get to live my own life.
- 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:17,422 You said we were merging.
- 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,674 I lied, dumbass! I lie about everything!
- 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,884 Why would I ever re-merge with a pussy like you?
- 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,928 So...you were just gonna trap us in that tank?
- 00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:24,929 T-That was your plan?
- 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,806 Not <i>was,</i> motherfucker. Still is.
- 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,558 -[ Groans ] -Kill him, Rick!
- 00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:30,059 I don't like this! This is scary!
- 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,144 All right, you asked for it.
- 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:32,687 -Did I ask for this? -[ Groans ]
- 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,273 Did I ask for this? Huh? Did I?
- 00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,567 -[ Whirs ] <i>-Assessing threat to groin.</i>
- 00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:39,569 Groin System 6000. Kill him!
- 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:40,611 [ Whirs, beeps ]
- 00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,739 <i>That...is my groin's user.</i>
- 00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:44,615 Believe me, I got a lot more use out of that thing
- 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:45,450 than he ever did.
- 00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,952 <i>You know What?</i> <i>Not my table.</i>
- 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,496 [ Grunting ]
- 00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:54,542 <i>-You</i> do <i>know me.</i> -[ Gasps ]
- 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:56,794 What the hell, Grandpa Rick?
- 00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,421 -Fuck you, Summer! -Sorry, Summer!
- 00:13:58,546 --> 00:13:59,630 [ Beep ]
- 00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:01,758 Okay, okay, take it easy. Don't do it.
- 00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,009 [ Rapid beeping, creature whimpers ]
- 00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:05,345 I love you. Good boy. Daddy's little boy.
- 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:06,596 Summer, get out of here! Go!
- 00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:07,597 Oh, who's that?
- 00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,349 Who[burps]'s that over there?
- 00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:11,434 Oh, no. You see the bad man in front of you?
- 00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:13,394 You're a good little boy. You're gonna get him.
- 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,271 -[ Creature roars ] -You're gonna get him.
- 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,815 -Aah! -[ Screams ]
- 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:18,983 Son of a...
- 00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:22,987 [ Grunts ]
- 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,823 [ Screams, moans ]
- 00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:27,825 [ Screams ] Ahh!
- 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:30,203 [ Roars ]
- 00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:31,621 Nice try, asshole.
- 00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:33,206 We can resolve [panting] our issues.
- 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,291 We don't need to resort to over-the-top...
- 00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:36,626 [ Groans ]
- 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:37,835 Aah!
- 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,754 I-I did it, Rick. I got the tank!
- 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,589 I-I'm a piece of shit, but I got the tank!
- 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,049 You're going in that tank, motherfucker.
- 00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:44,926 You're gonna [burps] live in that toxic shit wasteland
- 00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:45,968 like I had to do!
- 00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:46,803 -Aah! -Ow!
- 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:50,223 [ Screaming ]
- 00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:51,808 GUNK RICK: That's right, motherfucker.
- 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:53,434 You're going in that fuckin'...
- 00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:56,145 Dads?
- 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,147 Okay, just... just leave her out of it.
- 00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:58,981 What's going on?
- 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:00,316 All right, fuck this. Time for plan B.
- 00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,151 If I can't trap you in a toxic world,
- 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:04,445 I'll just make the whole world toxic.
- 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:07,240 It's okay, girls.
- 00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,992 I-I'm so sorry I put us in danger with some of my behavior.
- 00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:12,537 I-If you'd like, I can go out in the g-garden,
- 00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,081 pick some fresh basil, and make us a nice Scallopini.
- 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,041 What did the booger version of you mean
- 00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:19,502 when he said he was going to make the whole world toxic?
- 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:22,755 Believe me, sweetie, that man's motivations are a mystery.
- 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,507 Screw that, Rick. We got to stop him.
- 00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:26,008 What's the last thing you'd think about doing
- 00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:27,051 with that tank thing?
- 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:28,803 Morty, I appreciate what you're trying to do,
- 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,388 but it's not our place, you know,
- 00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:33,307 to pick and choose which world gets saved from what apocalypse.
- 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,269 Our... Our toxins have as much a right to their worldview as...
- 00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:38,187 Morty, how is it healthy to slap me?
- 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,523 Obviously my version of health is a hell of a lot different
- 00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:42,233 from yours, you useless old turd.
- 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,234 Wait. That's it.
- 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,819 How could that detox machine know the difference
- 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,947 between healthy and sick for everything that goes through it?
- 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:48,781 It can't.
- 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:51,868 It must be by the individual's own definition of toxicity.
- 00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,661 That means...
- 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,413 -Dad! -What... What the hell, Rick?
- 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:56,706 I'll explain on the way.
- 00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,541 GUNK RICK: This "Moon Tower," Morty,
- 00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,460 i[burps]s the perfect height and metallic composition
- 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:03,045 for the a[burps]mplification and beaming of toxic energies.
- 00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:04,213 What do you think about that, Morty?
- 00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:05,506 Are you excited about that, Morty?
- 00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:08,050 Oh, man. I'm just freaked out. I-It's too high up here.
- 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,260 Once I flip this switch,
- 00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:12,054 the entire world is gonna be just as toxic as us, baby.
- 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:14,599 [ Electrical crackling ]
- 00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:21,230 As we praise our loving Father...
- 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,983 God is a lie! We made him up for money!
- 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:26,360 [ Bells chiming ]
- 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,155 [ Laughter, squeaking ]
- 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,532 Santa Claus isn't real.
- 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,285 You were all mistakes! [ Groans ]
- 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,954 [ Laughs ] We fuckin' did it, Morty.
- 00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,247 Put your fuckin' hands in the air.
- 00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:40,875 Yeah, you little piece of shit.
- 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,001 Remember me?
- 00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:44,587 Didn't you learn last time that you can't beat me?
- 00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,506 Yeah, I did. And then I learned something else.
- 00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,257 -This. -Aah! [ Screams, moans ]
- 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,801 That bullet is laced with an encrypted nanobotic virus
- 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,596 that will disintegrate your Morty in about, ah, 20 minutes.
- 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:54,597 You think I give a shit?
- 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,057 I know you give a shit, dummy.
- 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,225 Because I know I don't.
- 00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,476 Here's another thing I know.
- 00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,520 The decryption key that neutralizes the virus.
- 00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:01,854 You want it? Come and get it.
- 00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:03,606 Merge with me and you'll know how to save him.
- 00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:04,982 Pfft. Come on, man. I've been trapped
- 00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,109 in your pussy brain for 70 years of delusions,
- 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:10,112 but this is the all-time weakest bluff that I've ever...
- 00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,240 Jesus Christ! What are you doing?!
- 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:13,574 He's cutting your time in half.
- 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,326 -10 minutes. -What is your problem?
- 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,495 Oh, I had all my problems removed... my entitlement,
- 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,455 my narcissism, my crippling loneliness,
- 00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:21,791 my irrational attachments.
- 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:23,626 They must be somewhere. They ain't over here, bro.
- 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:25,127 I'm not going back in there!
- 00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,671 Honestly, I don't care either way.
- 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:27,797 I hate having you in me.
- 00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,423 And when I say "honestly" you can believe it,
- 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,300 because we both know I'm too healthy to lie.
- 00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:32,760 -Watch. -[ Screams ]
- 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,012 All right! Knock it off! You're not impressing anyone.
- 00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:36,973 Morty, not that I give a shit, but are you okay?
- 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,975 -Jesus Christ, it hurts. -Relax, quit your bitching.
- 00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:41,018 Y-You're gonna be fine. Grandpa's here.
- 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,603 -[ Laughs ] -You think that's funny?
- 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,522 Y-You got to have a sense of humor about these things.
- 00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:45,731 Oh, wait, you can't.
- 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,067 You're literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture.
- 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,694 I guess it's just funny because you've never done
- 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,529 anything but complain about me being in charge,
- 00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:54,240 but if I ever gave you the wheel we'd be dead in five minutes.
- 00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,867 -Rick? -You poor, dumb, sick animal.
- 00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:57,910 [ Weakly ] Rick?
- 00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:00,162 Aah! Just do it!
- 00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:02,039 Just do it, you piece of...
- 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,708 [ Groans ]
- 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,836 I'm back, baby! Regular Rick! Master of both worlds!
- 00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:08,212 Check it it out! [ Farts ]
- 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:09,880 "Excuse me."
- 00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:12,383 Now we'll just reverse this hacky toxicity beam.
- 00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,343 Man, I really overthink shit when I'm angry.
- 00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:17,179 [ Electricity crackles, powers down ]
- 00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:19,348 -[ Moaning ] -Oh, give it to me.
- 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,809 Mm, ma-mah.
- 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,687 God is <i>not</i> a lie.
- 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:25,813 [ Whoosh! ]
- 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,774 [ Bells chime ]
- 00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:32,111 [ Animalistic screeching ]
- 00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:33,571 [ Wailing ]
- 00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:34,905 Mommy! Mommy!
- 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,365 Ha! All right, Morty,
- 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:38,284 now it's time we re-merge your little ass.
- 00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:39,327 You're a better man than me, Rick.
- 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,786 I'm healthy enough to admit that!
- 00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:43,122 That kid is a real piece of shit.
- 00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,665 Y-Y-You're gonna save me, right?
- 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,168 Part of me wanted to, Toxic Morty.
- 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,879 Part of me really wanted to.
- 00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:51,464 [ Car horn beeps ]
- 00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:53,299 I'm telling you, these shares are hot. Yeah.
- 00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:55,384 That sounds like a good idea. It's definitely a good idea.
- 00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:57,803 MORTY: Duane, Duane, Duane, I get it. Now can you get me?
- 00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:59,430 Have I ever lied to you?
- 00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:02,683 That's right, and ask around, I never do, Duane.
- 00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,101 Let me put this real simple.
- 00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:06,646 This stock is a beautiful redhead, recently single,
- 00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:09,148 not looking to date but ready to fall in love,
- 00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:11,609 and fate has put her locker two down from yours, Duane...
- 00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,778 two lockers down.
- 00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,821 So step up or step off, Duane.
- 00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,449 Blue pill or red pill, what'll it be, bro?
- 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,161 Totally understand, Duane.
- 00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:23,746 -You're the boss. -[ Phone beeps ]
- 00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:25,289 Heinholz Biotech...
- 00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,249 million and a half at thirty-three.
- 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,168 -[ Cheers and applause ] -Heh.
- 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,253 You little fuckin' monster.
- 00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:33,756 [ Chopping ]
- 00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:34,840 [ Crunch ]
- 00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:36,717 Mmm! Is this organic?
- 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,930 -[ Cellphone vibrates ] -Go for Morty.
- 00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:42,807 JESSICA: Hi, Morty. It's Jessica.
- 00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:45,184 Look, can we just talk for a minute?
- 00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,478 Is that how long it takes for Rick to trace my location?
- 00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,689 JESSICA: Come back, Morty. I miss you.
- 00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:50,690 You miss the old me.
- 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:52,149 You miss someone that loved you so much,
- 00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:53,401 you never had to love 'em back.
- 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,985 JESSICA: How do you know I don't want to love you?
- 00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,446 -Because I'm not sick. -Ex-girlfriend?
- 00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:58,739 Should I be jealous?
- 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,199 There's nothing to be jealous of.
- 00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:01,617 I just realized that I'm scheduled
- 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:04,078 to speak at that fundraiser on our date night.
- 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,454 I can cancel.
- 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:06,997 We'll be together. That's a date.
- 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,958 You are the perfect man.
- 00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:11,460 Oh, sweetie, I think you hit the wrong button.
- 00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:12,628 You didn't hang up.
- 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,714 Huh. How 'bout that?
- 00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,340 [ Glass shatters ]
- 00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:19,218 [ Mechanical whirring ]
- 00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,470 Sorry, tiny American Psycho.
- 00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,723 Time to take the op[burps]posite of your medicine.
- 00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:26,642 Do what you got to do. [ Screams ]
- 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,061 Oh! Ow! Aah!
- 00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,522 So, how do you feel, Morty?
- 00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:34,108 -Ah, geez. I'm miserable. -Am I good or what?
- 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,444 I guess it's worth it, though, to know how much you care.
- 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:39,113 Care? Me? Morty, I'm fine with you.
- 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,699 I-I only did this for him. -You lying bitch.
- 00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,826 She kept coming to our house, Morty, and kept asking me,
- 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,244 "Did... Did... D-Did you get a new Morty yet?"
- 00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,913 Because you kept drunk-dialing me and crying about it.
- 00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:49,206 I wasn't crying!
- 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:50,374 Jacquelyn, I...
- 00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,251 I-I-I wasn't who I said I was.
- 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,920 You weren't a 14-year-old boy from the Midwest
- 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,756 who ran away from his family and capitalized
- 00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:59,508 on his lack of conscience by becoming a stock broker?
- 00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:01,719 Oh. I guess I was pretty up front about that, wasn't I?
- 00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,345 You were up front about everything.
- 00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:04,680 You were my soul mate.
- 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:08,434 Well... N-Not anymore. I'll, um...
- 00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:09,935 Y-You can keep the apartment
- 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,854 and... and... and, uh...the drones.
- 00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:12,938 She can't keep the drones.
- 00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:14,440 They turn into a little Voltron robot.
- 00:21:14,565 --> 00:21:15,566 They're awesome.
- 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:16,817 [ Electrical whirring ]
- 00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:18,694 You can't keep the drones.
- 00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,196 [ School bell rings ]
- 00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:22,156 So, how was your date with Brad?
- 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,116 It wasn't a date. We were just having lunch.
- 00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:25,868 You guys are getting back together, aren't you?
- 00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:27,328 Morty, I need your help on an adventure.
- 00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:28,662 Eh, "need" is a strong word.
- 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,539 We need door stops, but a brick would work, too.
- 00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:31,749 Okay.
- 00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,168 Morty
- 00:21:35,252 --> 00:21:36,796 Good to have you back.
- 00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:40,007 Have you ever been peed on before?
- 00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,760 Oh, my God. Yum.
- 00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:46,347 ♪ Hey, did you ever want to hold a terrifold? ♪
- 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,098 ♪ I got one right here ♪
- 00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:49,642 ♪ Grab my terri-flap ♪
- 00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:50,810 ♪ Squeeze it ♪
- 00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:53,229 ♪ Grab it, squeeze it, tug on my terri-flap ♪
- 00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:55,439 ♪ Hey, I want to take you to ♪
- 00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,233 ♪ The terrifold dance ♪
- 00:21:57,358 --> 00:22:00,402 ♪ Wanna come with me? You can grab my holdie-folds ♪
- 00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:02,112 ♪ Squeeze 'em tight ♪
- 00:22:02,238 --> 00:22:03,572 ♪ You son of a bitch ♪
- 00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:05,908 ♪ Suck my holdie-flappy folds ♪
- 00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,577 ♪ Lick my flappy foldie-holes ♪
- 00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:11,288 ♪ My terri-flaps in your mouth ♪
- 00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:13,666 ♪ Suck my flaps, you piece of shit ♪
- 00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:16,418 ♪ [ Echoes ] Whoo ♪
- 00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:19,088 MAN: Although only a handful of moon towers remain today,
- 00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:21,799 they were popular in the late 19th century.
- 00:22:21,924 --> 00:22:24,385 An entire town could be illuminated by...
- 00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:25,803 What the hell is this?
- 00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:27,471 [ Beeps, hisses ]
- 00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:29,056 -Sea Cucumber! -[ Tour guide screams ]
- 00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:31,308 Sea Cucumber!