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Свадебные Сквончеры
После того, как Рик получает и отклоняет приглашение на свадьбу от Птичьей личности через межгалактическую почту, Джерри случайно отправляется той же службой к месту свадьбы. Чтобы вернуть Джерри, Рик вынужден присутствовать на свадьбе своего лучшего друга на далёкой планете Сквонч вместе с остальной семьёй, несмотря на его возражения. Во время речи невеста Птичьей личности Тэмми Гутерман оказывается агентом Галактической Федерации. Тэмми убивает Птичью личность и приказывает множеству агентов атаковать гостей свадьбы. Рик сбегают со своей семьёй, но они не могут вернуться на Землю, поскольку Федерация будет искать их там. Побывав на планете, вращающейся вокруг бесконечно кричащего солнца, и на планете, где всё живое находится «в початках», семья прячется на очень маленькой планете за пределами досягаемости Федерации. Когда Рик уходит исследовать планету, Джерри предлагает остальным членам семьи вернуться на Землю и сдать Рика, ссылаясь на эгоизм Рика. Однако остальная часть семьи защищает Рика, говоря, что они хотят остаться с ним из-за своей безоговорочной любви к нему как к члену семьи. Рик слышит всё это из-под пола их дома. Убедив Морти, что он уходит за мороженым, Рик покидает планету, звонит в Федерацию и соглашается сдаться в обмен на свободу своей семьи. Федерация спасает семью, и они возвращаются на Землю, которая теперь присоединилась к Федерации и кишит инопланетными туристами. После того, как ему много раз говорили, чтобы он устроился на работу, Джерри, наконец, по возвращении на Землю назначается Федерацией на работу. Рик захвачен Федерацией и перемещён на планету-тюрьму, и по обвинению в совершении «всего» Рик содержится в заключении, по-видимому, на неопределённый срок. В сцене после титров мистер Жопосранчик заканчивает просмотр эпизода и спрашивает аудиторию, что, по их мнению, произойдёт в третьем сезоне. Он задаёт тот же вопрос доставщику пиццы и заявляет, что третий сезон выйдет через полтора года, или позже.
- 00:00:01,836 --> 00:00:04,381 The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk.
- 00:00:04,464 --> 00:00:07,133 Jerry, get a job.
- 00:00:07,217 --> 00:00:08,760 Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry?
- 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,429 You're the man of the house, and you don't have a job.
- 00:00:13,306 --> 00:00:14,683 Delivery for Rick.
- 00:00:14,933 --> 00:00:16,351 Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry.
- 00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:19,062 - Gross. What is that thing? - It's a courier flap.
- 00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,539 It's like the intergalactic version of UPS,
- 00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:22,065 but less off-putting.
- 00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:23,358 Oh, shiiit!
- 00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:25,318 It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson.
- 00:00:25,402 --> 00:00:27,487 Must be time for his annual Oscar party.
- 00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:29,256 And, by the way, our TV signals take light years
- 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,448 to reach his planet.
- 00:00:30,532 --> 00:00:32,367 Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins.
- 00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,369 <i>Greetings. This is Birdperson.</i>
- 00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:35,620 <i>And Tammy!</i>
- 00:00:35,704 --> 00:00:37,497 <i>Inviting you to planet Squanch for</i>
- 00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:39,332 <i>our mate-melding ceremony...</i> - Blugh!
- 00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:40,709 <i>Ifyou're from Earth,</i>
- 00:00:40,959 --> 00:00:42,239 <i>that means we're getting married!</i>
- 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,671 Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson!
- 00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:46,381 What the hell is a Birdperson?
- 00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:47,674 He's Rick's best friend.
- 00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:49,402 Uh, I-let's not get carried away, Morty.
- 00:00:49,426 --> 00:00:51,261 Would you like to RSVP or send a gift?
- 00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:53,263 No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.
- 00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:55,324 If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,
- 00:00:55,348 --> 00:00:57,183 I'd hang out with Jerry all day.
- 00:00:57,267 --> 00:00:58,685 Affirmative! Returning to sender.
- 00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:00,079 No, hold on, stay, courier flaps.
- 00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,813 - Staying! - Dad, you have a friend...
- 00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:03,815 that's getting married. That's a big deal.
- 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,692 It's a big deal he has a friend.
- 00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:08,278 What do you know about friendship, Jerry?
- 00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:09,946 Confirmed, shipping Jerry.
- 00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,948 - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry!
- 00:01:12,031 --> 00:01:13,116 - Dad! - Dad!
- 00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:15,201 Where is it taking him?
- 00:01:15,285 --> 00:01:17,162 I assume planet Squanch...
- 00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,122 6,000 light years across the galaxy.
- 00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,707 Whoa, t-that's... That's insane!
- 00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:23,585 Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.
- 00:01:23,668 --> 00:01:26,254 ♪♪
- 00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:05,960 Rick Sanchez!
- 00:02:06,044 --> 00:02:07,504 You psycho bag of squanch!
- 00:02:07,587 --> 00:02:09,005 Hey, what's up, Squanchy?
- 00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:10,965 - Hey, Squanchy. - Morty, Summer!
- 00:02:11,049 --> 00:02:12,634 And you must be Beth.
- 00:02:12,717 --> 00:02:14,636 Mwah! Ensquanche!
- 00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:17,430 Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot.
- 00:02:17,514 --> 00:02:18,949 Doesn't that become tedious and worn out,
- 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,433 like the Smurf thing?
- 00:02:20,517 --> 00:02:23,478 Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal.
- 00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:26,022 Just say what's in your squanch and people understand.
- 00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:27,398 Oh. Okay.
- 00:02:27,482 --> 00:02:29,943 I <i>squanch</i> my family.
- 00:02:30,026 --> 00:02:31,653 - Uh... - What? I do.
- 00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,364 I squanch my family. - Stop saying it. Gross.
- 00:02:34,447 --> 00:02:35,907 Come on in, guys.
- 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,742 The guest are having cocksquanches.
- 00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,667 Where am I?! - You're at a wedding.
- 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,418 Go change.
- 00:02:47,502 --> 00:02:50,046 ♪ And I'm an alien with jazz rap style ♪
- 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,340 ♪ Jazz rapping for an alien mile ♪
- 00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:55,093 ♪ Fat beats and an alien smile ♪
- 00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:58,388 ♪ Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend ♪
- 00:02:58,471 --> 00:02:59,990 ♪ I got a mouthful of jazz for your ass ♪
- 00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:02,767 ♪ And I'm gonna keep jazzing ♪
- 00:03:02,851 --> 00:03:04,394 Oh, you made it!
- 00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,354 I wouldn't miss it for the world!
- 00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,523 Oh, my god. I love your ring.
- 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:11,484 Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's.
- 00:03:11,568 --> 00:03:13,236 She fought a squirrel for it.
- 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,529 Birdperson.
- 00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,531 Rick, I am pleased you and your family
- 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,408 could witness my melding with Tammy.
- 00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,076 Our pleasure.
- 00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:21,595 Yeah, I just hope you got a pre-meld.
- 00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,371 - Rick! - What?! It's just a practical
- 00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,307 way of making sure that when she's done with you,
- 00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:27,083 you can get one of your balls back.
- 00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:29,085 - Jesus, Dad. - He's grumpy from the flight.
- 00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,087 Ohh, I-I was happy on the flight.
- 00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,006 I'm grumpy from the landing.
- 00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:35,550 Well, I looked at the guest book.
- 00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,802 We don't know a damn person here.
- 00:03:37,886 --> 00:03:39,971 Hi! Jerry Smith... Father of the bride's friend.
- 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,265 Advertising is my usual game, but I'm between...
- 00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:44,100 Jerry, stop networking. We're in space.
- 00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:45,852 "Jerry, get a job!
- 00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,788 Jerry, don't look for a job at an alien wedding!"
- 00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,731 I don't get you. - This is the closest...
- 00:03:49,814 --> 00:03:51,625 I've ever gotten to this part of my father's life.
- 00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,443 I don't want to blow it.
- 00:03:53,526 --> 00:03:55,153 Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style.
- 00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:58,114 You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it.
- 00:03:58,197 --> 00:04:00,116 Look, here's some humans you can practice on.
- 00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,118 You must be Summer's mom and dad.
- 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,081 We're Tammy's parents... Pat and Donna Guterman.
- 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,205 Hi. Beth. This is Jerry.
- 00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:09,000 So your teenage daughter's marrying a Birdman.
- 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,668 Are you guys <i>down</i> with that?
- 00:04:10,752 --> 00:04:12,337 No pun intended.
- 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,130 We're quite proud.
- 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,382 He's a wonderful person and an incredible Bird.
- 00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:18,259 Still, what is he, 40?
- 00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:19,510 It's just, you know,
- 00:04:19,594 --> 00:04:21,679 when he was 30, she was an actual child.
- 00:04:21,763 --> 00:04:23,514 When he was her age, she wasn't born.
- 00:04:23,598 --> 00:04:25,558 When he was, let's see, like, 18,
- 00:04:25,642 --> 00:04:28,603 she was literally in there in your womb.
- 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,313 Imagine being pregnant with your daughter
- 00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:32,166 and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says,
- 00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:34,108 "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that."
- 00:04:34,192 --> 00:04:35,777 Give us one second.
- 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,779 Were you born with your feet in your mouth?
- 00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:40,615 I was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right.
- 00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,117 So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart,
- 00:04:43,201 --> 00:04:45,620 'cause you need to cut me some slack... s.
- 00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,121 I want you to stand in the corner
- 00:04:47,205 --> 00:04:48,724 and face the corner and talk to nobody.
- 00:04:48,748 --> 00:04:52,043 Maybe... I... will.
- 00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,045 You know, you're not being very supportive
- 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,755 of Birdperson on his big day.
- 00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,049 Birdperson's big day, Morty,
- 00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:01,469 was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon
- 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,346 against the Gromflamites!
- 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,682 This? This is a losing battle.
- 00:05:05,765 --> 00:05:07,684 Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying.
- 00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:09,227 He's getting married!
- 00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,704 I mean, what do you think's gonna happen
- 00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,355 if you open yourself up a little bit?
- 00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:13,815 I mean, look around.
- 00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:16,693 This is your family and friends all around you, you know?
- 00:05:16,776 --> 00:05:18,277 Take the day off.
- 00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:20,321 There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight.
- 00:05:20,405 --> 00:05:22,323 That's his last name.
- 00:05:22,407 --> 00:05:23,449 Are you hyphenating it?
- 00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:24,742 Squanch this, mo-Fo.
- 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,287 Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender.
- 00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:30,289 Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk?
- 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:33,376 It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about
- 00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,836 and a <i>lot</i> of vodka.
- 00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,629 Mm-Hmm. I have a lot of vodka.
- 00:05:36,713 --> 00:05:37,547 Then I'll take one of those.
- 00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,173 I don't need the rest.
- 00:05:39,257 --> 00:05:41,342 God, whatever, Rick.
- 00:05:41,426 --> 00:05:43,886 It sounds like you and my dad have a long history together.
- 00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:45,555 Wish I could say the same.
- 00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,557 The road your father and I walked together
- 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,519 is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies.
- 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,603 Must be nice.
- 00:05:52,687 --> 00:05:54,647 Um, I used to have to draw him
- 00:05:54,731 --> 00:05:56,357 into family photos with a crayon.
- 00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,860 The war in which we fought is far from over.
- 00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,486 We live our lives in hiding.
- 00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:02,697 I guess I should be happy for you.
- 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:05,324 I mean, great, you guys got to hang out.
- 00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:06,868 I hope you had a blast.
- 00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:09,454 The galactic government considers us terrorists.
- 00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,831 It's unwise of me to share these details,
- 00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,416 but I've become inebriated.
- 00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:14,810 I don't know if you can appreciate
- 00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:17,003 what it means to grow up without a father, but...
- 00:06:17,253 --> 00:06:18,796 The guest list at this wedding
- 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,632 includes 17 of the Federation's most wanted.
- 00:06:21,716 --> 00:06:23,634 We have committed numerous atrocities
- 00:06:23,718 --> 00:06:25,303 in the name of freedom.
- 00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:26,679 Annnd during that time,
- 00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:28,490 I don't suppose he ever mentioned his daughter.
- 00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,891 Are those baby quiches?
- 00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,350 Night crawler pate.
- 00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:33,394 I should prepare for the ceremony.
- 00:06:33,478 --> 00:06:35,438 Like talking to a brick wall.
- 00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:38,900 In the name of the squanch, the six rivers,
- 00:06:38,983 --> 00:06:40,902 the four squanches, and the nine balls,
- 00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:45,281 I unite these two organisms in eternal squanch!
- 00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:47,408 Tammy, you may squanch your vows now.
- 00:06:47,492 --> 00:06:49,911 Birdperson...
- 00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:53,915 You are my seed, my worm, my earliness,
- 00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,666 and my lack of cats.
- 00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,169 I promise to be yours until your death.
- 00:06:58,252 --> 00:06:59,504 - Nice! - Aww!
- 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,963 Birdperson.
- 00:07:01,047 --> 00:07:03,883 Tammy, I was approaching infertility when I met you,
- 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,635 but there is still time.
- 00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:07,345 I am yours until my death.
- 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:08,846 Aww!
- 00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:10,765 Aww.
- 00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:13,810 I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!
- 00:07:20,775 --> 00:07:23,653 ♪ Girl, you got it going on ♪
- 00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:29,575 I am not staring at you.
- 00:07:29,659 --> 00:07:32,662 I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural.
- 00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,455 This is a candid shot.
- 00:07:34,539 --> 00:07:36,582 I don't require a camera so...
- 00:07:36,666 --> 00:07:38,417 Sorry.
- 00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,378 Hi. I am not staring at you...
- 00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:47,844 Uh, hi, everybody.
- 00:07:47,927 --> 00:07:49,595 I'm Rick.
- 00:07:49,679 --> 00:07:54,600 You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...
- 00:07:54,684 --> 00:07:56,411 Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe
- 00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:57,687 because I'm the smartest.
- 00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,490 And being nice is something stupid people do
- 00:07:59,564 --> 00:08:00,898 to hedge their bets.
- 00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:02,358 Now, I haven't been exactly subtle
- 00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:03,776 about how little I trust marriage.
- 00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:05,153 I couldn't make it work,
- 00:08:05,403 --> 00:08:06,839 and I could turn a black hole into a sun,
- 00:08:06,863 --> 00:08:08,823 so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself
- 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,700 what are the odds this is legit
- 00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:12,511 and not just some big lie we're all telling ourselves
- 00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:13,995 because we're afraid to die alone?
- 00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:16,831 Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die... alone.
- 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:17,914 - Oh, boy. - Oh, Dad.
- 00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:19,000 Jesus.
- 00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:21,043 But... But... here's the thing.
- 00:08:21,127 --> 00:08:23,004 Birdperson is my best friend,
- 00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:25,840 and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too.
- 00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:32,388 To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet...
- 00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,724 Opening myself up to others.
- 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,267 Hear, hear! Cheers!
- 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,269 Cheers to that, motherfucker!
- 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,022 Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.
- 00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:44,400 Gosh, I look around this room, and I think,
- 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,277 "Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior
- 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,963 from the planet Earth, and you're marrying
- 00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:50,573 a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!"
- 00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:52,992 Yeah, Tammy!
- 00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:55,703 But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways,
- 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,706 I'm <i>not</i> a high-School senior from the planet Earth.
- 00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,958 In a lot of ways, what I really am
- 00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:03,920 is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation,
- 00:09:04,003 --> 00:09:06,047 and you guys are a group of wanted criminals,
- 00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:09,050 and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.
- 00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,885 Oh, shit.
- 00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,363 - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.
- 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,056 Everyone here is under arrest
- 00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:16,849 for crimes against the Federation.
- 00:09:16,933 --> 00:09:17,934 <i>I 'chaim!</i>
- 00:09:18,017 --> 00:09:21,229 - Tammy, what are you doing? - Sit your Bird ass down.
- 00:09:21,479 --> 00:09:23,314 Tammy?
- 00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:27,735 Birdperson!! No!!
- 00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:32,949 Holy...
- 00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,125 Drop the portal gun.
- 00:09:43,209 --> 00:09:45,211 Slide it to the center of the room.
- 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,132 Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it.
- 00:09:50,216 --> 00:09:51,676 They'll want it at...
- 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,658 There's no time to squanch!
- 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,576 Get your family out of here!
- 00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,537 I got this.
- 00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,128 How about a taste of my squanch?!
- 00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:32,425 Come on, this way!
- 00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,218 Squanch this!
- 00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,478 Good thing I grabbed a space weapon.
- 00:10:44,562 --> 00:10:46,402 That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!
- 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,524 - Dad! - Hold on tight!
- 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,486 Aaah!!
- 00:10:56,324 --> 00:10:58,075 Aaaah!!
- 00:11:00,286 --> 00:11:01,954 Goddamn it! Goddamn it!!
- 00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,046 What the hell happened back there?!
- 00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:12,840 This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.
- 00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:17,887 Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us
- 00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:20,014 about your relationship
- 00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:23,017 with this previously unknown galactic government?
- 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,186 All the important points seem pretty clear, no?
- 00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,438 They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.
- 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,440 Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
- 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,650 How could you be so dishonest with this family?
- 00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,861 Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting
- 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,255 and loving like, oh, I don't know,
- 00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:38,032 my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
- 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,659 who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?
- 00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:41,911 Hey, Tammy was cool!
- 00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,038 - And now we know why. - Because of you!
- 00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,956 Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
- 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,833 and fuck me for letting my guard down,
- 00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:49,460 which I will <i>never</i> do again.
- 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:50,920 Geez, Rick!
- 00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,672 You can't say f... "'F' you" to your granddaughter.
- 00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:56,217 I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. Fuck you.
- 00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:57,986 Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
- 00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,762 Actually, the wedding was beautiful.
- 00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:01,045 The reception got out of hand.
- 00:12:01,097 --> 00:12:03,224 Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,
- 00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,101 and have a family meeting in the morning.
- 00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,228 Yeah, about going home, we can't... ever.
- 00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:08,771 What?!
- 00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,207 Oh, these guys are looking for us now.
- 00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:11,607 Earth will be swarming with them.
- 00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,733 Us?!
- 00:12:12,817 --> 00:12:14,110 - Jerry... - I want to go home!
- 00:12:14,193 --> 00:12:16,338 Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.
- 00:12:16,362 --> 00:12:18,197 But here's what's gonna happen.
- 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,800 Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you.
- 00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,665 They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent
- 00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,203 of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia
- 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,038 and hook them up to an alien car battery
- 00:12:26,122 --> 00:12:27,623 until you tell them where I am...
- 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,393 Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know,
- 00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:31,377 which I guarantee <i>they</i> won't believe.
- 00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,254 So who's homesick? By applause.
- 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,673 Ladies? Anybody?
- 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,509 What are we going to do? Where are we going to live?
- 00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,761 Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.
- 00:12:40,845 --> 00:12:42,221 Fuck Earth.
- 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,184 You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?
- 00:12:44,223 --> 00:12:45,724 We'll find a new world.
- 00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,160 Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way
- 00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,103 are at least 90% similar to Earth?
- 00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:52,731 <i>765 known planets.</i>
- 00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:55,192 How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?
- 00:12:55,276 --> 00:12:57,528 <i>Three.</i>
- 00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,738 See? Our cup runneth over.
- 00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,031 Now, who wants to go shopping
- 00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:03,200 for a brand-new motherfucking world?!
- 00:13:03,284 --> 00:13:04,368 All right!
- 00:13:04,452 --> 00:13:06,287 Look at this baby!
- 00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:08,080 Would you even know that wasn't Earth?
- 00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:09,999 Yes, because there's no Africa.
- 00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:12,084 Pssh. White people problems, Morty.
- 00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:14,295 Let's go down and check her out.
- 00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,090 Oh. I thought it was further away.
- 00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:20,676 I uh... I guess this one's a little small.
- 00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,136 All right, uh, maybe...
- 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,099 Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh?
- 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,269 Okay, this one's bigger.
- 00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:34,315 This looks nice.
- 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,900 Mom, Dad, look!
- 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,651 Strawberries on a cob!
- 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,863 Whoa! Hey, check this out!
- 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,615 Flowers on a cob!
- 00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:45,951 Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?
- 00:13:46,035 --> 00:13:47,244 That's pretty cool.
- 00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:49,830 Are those... mountains on a cob?
- 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:54,335 Oh, my god.
- 00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,466 Get in the ship, sweetie. - What?
- 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:01,800 Get in the goddamn ship!!
- 00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:03,135 <i>Everything's</i> on a cob!!
- 00:14:03,219 --> 00:14:05,763 The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
- 00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,060 All right, third time's the charm.
- 00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:12,144 See what we got here.
- 00:14:15,481 --> 00:14:16,982 Seems good.
- 00:14:17,066 --> 00:14:18,442 And nothing on the cob.
- 00:14:18,526 --> 00:14:20,277 Didn't know that was a necessity, but...
- 00:14:20,361 --> 00:14:22,446 No, it's nice. I think this might be it.
- 00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:24,281 Wow! Hey, look, you guys.
- 00:14:24,365 --> 00:14:26,116 The sun's rising.
- 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,827 Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!
- 00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:33,874 Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet?
- 00:14:33,958 --> 00:14:36,210 Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?
- 00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:39,630 <i>42 hours.</i>
- 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,757 All right, well, those are the two choices,
- 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,676 'cause cob planet is off the table.
- 00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:44,885 Now let's take a vote.
- 00:14:44,969 --> 00:14:46,554 <i>Well, it's official.</i>
- 00:14:46,804 --> 00:14:48,681 <i>The obscure planet known as Earth,</i>
- 00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:51,517 <i>formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist</i>
- 00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,519 <i>and fugitive Rick Sanchez,</i>
- 00:14:53,769 --> 00:14:56,730 <i>has just become the 6, 048th planet</i>
- 00:14:56,814 --> 00:14:58,399 <i>to join the Galactic Federation.</i>
- 00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,568 <i>The plucky little ball of water and dirt,</i>
- 00:15:00,818 --> 00:15:02,319 <i>which is where it gets its name,</i>
- 00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:06,073 <i>is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives</i>
- 00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:10,119 <i>who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos.</i>
- 00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:12,997 <i>Spaghetti, kangaroos? I've gotta check this place out.</i>
- 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,833 <i><i>Well, you can.</i></i>
- 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,085 <i>Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details.</i>
- 00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,254 <i>Up next, teenagers are calling it</i>
- 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,258 <i>And it's</i> not <i>what you think.</i>
- 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:25,735 What are you... What did you do that for?
- 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,052 Dramatic effect.
- 00:15:27,136 --> 00:15:29,680 Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon?
- 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,682 Yes, we discovered a species of tiny pig
- 00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,809 off the coast of New Australia
- 00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:36,061 about 30 yards east. - Or 300 yards west.
- 00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:37,438 We'd offer you some,
- 00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:39,857 but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast.
- 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,692 Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole
- 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:43,527 and do a little bit of exploring.
- 00:15:43,611 --> 00:15:45,029 If you guys need me, just yell
- 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,280 or throw something so hard
- 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,003 that it goes around the world and hits me.
- 00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,633 Okay, now that he's gone,
- 00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:52,077 can we please talk about our situation?
- 00:15:52,161 --> 00:15:54,163 Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back.
- 00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:55,581 You know, it's a small world.
- 00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,166 Please, he's in the South Pole!
- 00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:59,627 And <i>we</i> need to have a serious conversation.
- 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,932 South Pole discovered, baby!
- 00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,768 Ohhhh!
- 00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:17,728 Oh fuck! An ice cave?
- 00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,021 Shit!
- 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,732 Things just keep on getting better.
- 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,109 Wow, it's the planet's core.
- 00:16:24,193 --> 00:16:25,736 I'm just saying,
- 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,905 we keep acting like there's only two options,
- 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,323 but there's not.
- 00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:31,200 So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
- 00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,786 as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us.
- 00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:35,996 But, and this is purely hypothetical,
- 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,499 what if we turned your father in to the government?
- 00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,750 Jerry, so help me god,
- 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,794 if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.
- 00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,420 There already is no more bacon!
- 00:16:43,504 --> 00:16:45,923 This world sucks! Our life sucks!
- 00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:47,758 Why are we doing this for someone
- 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:51,303 that would <i>never</i> do anything for anyone but himself?
- 00:16:51,387 --> 00:16:53,055 That's not the point, Dad!
- 00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,058 We love Rick... f-for the most part.
- 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,286 Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward,
- 00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,354 Dad, you love them unconditionally.
- 00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:02,398 That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.
- 00:17:02,481 --> 00:17:04,108 Okay, so let me get this straight.
- 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,359 For the rest of your lives,
- 00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,069 no matter how much it hurts you,
- 00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,279 no matter how much it destroys our children's futures,
- 00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:12,074 we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?
- 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,951 - Yes. - Why?!
- 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,620 Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!
- 00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,132 Hey. Uh...
- 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,551 I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system,
- 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,052 get some ice cream.
- 00:17:32,136 --> 00:17:33,721 You... You want me to come with?
- 00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:36,390 Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something?
- 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:38,559 I'll be okay. Bye, Morty.
- 00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:40,269 Rick?
- 00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:42,104 You're not leaving, right?
- 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,022 Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.
- 00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:45,649 So, you're coming back?
- 00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,943 Morty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream
- 00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,194 and then you don't come back,
- 00:17:49,278 --> 00:17:50,863 you haven't actually gotten ice cream,
- 00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:53,115 you've just gone where ice cream is.
- 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,242 Rick, I can handle it if you go,
- 00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,161 but you'll break Mom's heart.
- 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,871 And I won't forgive you for that.
- 00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,248 Where's the van, Morty?
- 00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:04,168 It's over the horizon in the driveway.
- 00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:20,976 ♪ I hurt myself today ♪
- 00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,773 <i>For English, press 2.</i>
- 00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:27,608 <i>Connecting to agent.</i>
- 00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:29,443 <i>Ongoing investigations.</i>
- 00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:32,613 Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth.
- 00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,990 I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez,
- 00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:36,325 the wanted criminal.
- 00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:37,618 <i>Hold on!</i>
- 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,119 <i>This is Special Agent Gribbles.</i>
- 00:18:39,203 --> 00:18:40,537 <i>You have a tip about Rick Sanchez?</i>
- 00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:42,623 Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family,
- 00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,625 and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9.
- 00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,461 He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern.
- 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,296 And listen. <i>- Yes?</i>
- 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,357 I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you,
- 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,219 so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?
- 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,888 <i>We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine.</i>
- 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,473 Nice. Thank you.
- 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,183 I'm Jerry Smith,
- 00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:04,144 and I love sucking big, sweaty boners
- 00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:08,440 and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.
- 00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:10,526 <i>Uh... okay.</i>
- 00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:17,574 ♪ What have I become ♪
- 00:19:17,658 --> 00:19:22,496 ♪ My sweetest friend ♪
- 00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:28,252 ♪ Everyone I know ♪
- 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:34,508 ♪ Goes away in the end ♪
- 00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:36,218 ♪ You could have it all ♪
- 00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:40,639 - He's not coming back, is he? - No.
- 00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,933 ♪ My empire of dirt ♪
- 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:46,019 Hey, look, cops.
- 00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:52,776 ♪ I will let you down ♪ - Good morning.
- 00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:58,240 ♪ I will make you hurt ♪
- 00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:04,454 How long will you be visiting Earth?
- 00:20:04,538 --> 00:20:05,831 Oh, we live here.
- 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,208 We were just off-planet for a wedding.
- 00:20:08,292 --> 00:20:09,543 Go that way.
- 00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,566 I have processed that you are in in distress
- 00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:34,735 and have proscribed antidepressants.
- 00:20:34,818 --> 00:20:37,279 Compliments of the Galactic Federation.
- 00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:38,447 I feel better.
- 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,198 Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits.
- 00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:41,992 Report to the Ministry of Employment
- 00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,328 and you will be assigned a function.
- 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:47,789 Honey! I got a job!
- 00:20:47,873 --> 00:20:50,334 ♪ You could have it all ♪
- 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:53,879 Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.
- 00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:59,468 ♪ My empire of dirt ♪
- 00:20:59,551 --> 00:21:05,474 ♪ I will let you down ♪
- 00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:09,853 ♪ I will make you hurt ♪
- 00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,777 Hey, what are you in for?
- 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:19,488 Everything.
- 00:21:24,493 --> 00:21:26,870 ♪♪
- 00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:57,275 Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger.
- 00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:58,944 Oh, boy, oh, my!
- 00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,363 That's a real crazy ending, huh?
- 00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:04,950 Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.
- 00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:06,827 As you can see,
- 00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:08,829 I'm still recovering from the bullet shot
- 00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:10,831 that I got from Beth.
- 00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,916 Remember that one? Ooh-Whee!
- 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,960 Come and get it, kitty.
- 00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:17,671 You know, these little fellows help me get through the day.
- 00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:20,424 Ooh-whee.
- 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,426 Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.
- 00:22:25,262 --> 00:22:27,264 I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks.
- 00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:29,766 Hey, what did <i>you</i> think of that finale, huh?
- 00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:32,602 Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay?
- 00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:34,163 Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bro.
- 00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,856 Your total is $12.37.
- 00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:37,917 Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out off jail?
- 00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,877 Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?
- 00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,501 Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!
- 00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:44,865 Ow!
- 00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:46,509 Tune in to "Rick and Morty" season three in,
- 00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:48,577 like, a year and a half...
- 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:52,247 or longer to see how we unravel this mess.
- 00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:53,498 Ooh-Whee!
- 00:22:53,582 --> 00:22:55,000 Oh, my god!
- 00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:56,501 Did you get any of that?
- 00:22:56,585 --> 00:22:58,545 It's-a good-a show!
- 00:00:01,836 --> 00:00:04,381 JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk.
- 00:00:04,464 --> 00:00:07,133 Jerry, get a job. [knock on door]
- 00:00:07,217 --> 00:00:08,760 Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry?
- 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,429 You're the man of the house, and you don't have a job.
- 00:00:11,513 --> 00:00:13,223 [Sighs]
- 00:00:13,306 --> 00:00:14,683 Delivery for Rick.
- 00:00:14,933 --> 00:00:16,351 Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry.
- 00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:19,062 - Gross. What is that thing? - It's a courier flap.
- 00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,539 It's like the intergalactic version of UPS,
- 00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:22,065 but less off-putting.
- 00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:23,358 Oh, shiiit!
- 00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:25,318 It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson.
- 00:00:25,402 --> 00:00:27,487 Must be time for his annual Oscar party.
- 00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:29,256 And, by the way, our TV signals take light years
- 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,448 to reach his planet.
- 00:00:30,532 --> 00:00:32,367 Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins.
- 00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,369 <i>[music plays] Greetings. This is Birdperson.</i>
- 00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:35,620 <i>And Tammy!</i>
- 00:00:35,704 --> 00:00:37,497 <i>Inviting you to planet Squanch for</i>
- 00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:39,332 <i>our mate-melding ceremony...</i> - Blugh!
- 00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:40,709 [Muffled] <i>Ifyou're from Earth,</i>
- 00:00:40,959 --> 00:00:42,239 <i>that means we're getting married!</i>
- 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,671 Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson!
- 00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:46,381 What the hell is a Birdperson?
- 00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:47,674 He's Rick's best friend.
- 00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:49,402 Uh, I-let's not get carried away, Morty.
- 00:00:49,426 --> 00:00:51,261 Would you like to RSVP or send a gift?
- 00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:53,263 No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.
- 00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:55,324 If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,
- 00:00:55,348 --> 00:00:57,183 [burps] I'd hang out with Jerry all day.
- 00:00:57,267 --> 00:00:58,685 Affirmative! Returning to sender.
- 00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:00,079 No, hold on, stay, courier flaps.
- 00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,813 - Staying! - Dad, you have a friend...
- 00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:03,815 that's getting married. That's a big deal.
- 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,692 It's a big deal he has a friend.
- 00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:08,278 What do you know about friendship, Jerry?
- 00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:09,946 Confirmed, shipping Jerry.
- 00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,948 - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry!
- 00:01:12,031 --> 00:01:13,116 - Dad! - Dad!
- 00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:15,201 Where is it taking him?
- 00:01:15,285 --> 00:01:17,162 I assume planet Squanch...
- 00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,122 6,000 light years across the galaxy.
- 00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,707 Whoa, t-that's... That's insane!
- 00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:23,585 Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.
- 00:01:23,668 --> 00:01:26,254 ♪♪
- 00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:56,868 [<i>Upbeat music playing</i>]
- 00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,787 [Bottles rattling]
- 00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:05,960 Rick Sanchez!
- 00:02:06,044 --> 00:02:07,504 You psycho bag of squanch!
- 00:02:07,587 --> 00:02:09,005 Hey, what's up, Squanchy?
- 00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:10,965 - Hey, Squanchy. - Morty, Summer!
- 00:02:11,049 --> 00:02:12,634 And you must be Beth.
- 00:02:12,717 --> 00:02:14,636 Mwah! Ensquanche!
- 00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:17,430 Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot.
- 00:02:17,514 --> 00:02:18,949 Doesn't that become tedious and worn out,
- 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,433 like the Smurf thing?
- 00:02:20,517 --> 00:02:23,478 Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal.
- 00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:26,022 Just say what's in your squanch and people understand.
- 00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:27,398 Oh. Okay.
- 00:02:27,482 --> 00:02:29,943 I <i>squanch</i> my family.
- 00:02:30,026 --> 00:02:31,653 - Uh... - What? I do.
- 00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,364 I squanch my family. - Stop saying it. Gross.
- 00:02:34,447 --> 00:02:35,907 Come on in, guys.
- 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,742 The guest are having cocksquanches.
- 00:02:40,745 --> 00:02:42,455 [Groaning]
- 00:02:42,539 --> 00:02:43,915 [Gasps]
- 00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,667 Where am I?! - You're at a wedding.
- 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,418 Go change.
- 00:02:47,502 --> 00:02:50,046 ♪ And I'm an alien with jazz rap style ♪
- 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,340 ♪ Jazz rapping for an alien mile ♪
- 00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:55,093 ♪ Fat beats and an alien smile ♪
- 00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:58,388 ♪ Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend ♪
- 00:02:58,471 --> 00:02:59,990 ♪ I got a mouthful of jazz for your ass ♪
- 00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,474 [Crying]
- 00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:02,767 ♪ And I'm gonna keep jazzing ♪
- 00:03:02,851 --> 00:03:04,394 [Both squealing] Oh, you made it!
- 00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,354 I wouldn't miss it for the world!
- 00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,523 Oh, my god. I love your ring.
- 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:11,484 Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's.
- 00:03:11,568 --> 00:03:13,236 She fought a squirrel for it.
- 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,529 Birdperson.
- 00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,531 Rick, I am pleased you and your family
- 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,408 could witness my melding with Tammy.
- 00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,076 Our pleasure.
- 00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:21,595 Yeah, I just hope you got a pre-meld.
- 00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,371 - Rick! - What?! It's just a practical
- 00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,307 way of making sure that when she's done with you,
- 00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:27,083 you can get one of your balls back.
- 00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:29,085 - Jesus, Dad. - He's grumpy from the flight.
- 00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,087 Ohh, I-I was happy on the flight.
- 00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,006 I'm grumpy from the landing.
- 00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:35,550 [Sighs] Well, I looked at the guest book.
- 00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,802 We don't know a damn person here.
- 00:03:37,886 --> 00:03:39,971 Hi! Jerry Smith... Father of the bride's friend.
- 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,265 Advertising is my usual game, but I'm between...
- 00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:44,100 Jerry, stop networking. We're in space.
- 00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:45,852 "Jerry, get a job!
- 00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,788 Jerry, don't look for a job at an alien wedding!"
- 00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,731 I don't get you. - This is the closest...
- 00:03:49,814 --> 00:03:51,625 I've ever gotten to this part of my father's life.
- 00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,443 I don't want to blow it.
- 00:03:53,526 --> 00:03:55,153 Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style.
- 00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:58,114 You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it.
- 00:03:58,197 --> 00:04:00,116 Look, here's some humans you can practice on.
- 00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,118 You must be Summer's mom and dad.
- 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,081 We're Tammy's parents... Pat and Donna Guterman.
- 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,205 Hi. Beth. This is Jerry.
- 00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:09,000 So your teenage daughter's marrying a Birdman.
- 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,668 Are you guys <i>down</i> with that?
- 00:04:10,752 --> 00:04:12,337 [Chuckles] No pun intended.
- 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,130 We're quite proud.
- 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,382 He's a wonderful person and an incredible Bird.
- 00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:18,259 Still, what is he, 40? [chuckles]
- 00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:19,510 It's just, you know,
- 00:04:19,594 --> 00:04:21,679 when he was 30, she was an actual child.
- 00:04:21,763 --> 00:04:23,514 When he was her age, she wasn't born.
- 00:04:23,598 --> 00:04:25,558 When he was, let's see, like, 18,
- 00:04:25,642 --> 00:04:28,603 she was literally in there in your womb.
- 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,313 Imagine being pregnant with your daughter
- 00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:32,166 and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says,
- 00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:34,108 "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that."
- 00:04:34,192 --> 00:04:35,777 [both chuckle] Give us one second.
- 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,779 Were you born with your feet in your mouth?
- 00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:40,615 I was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right.
- 00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,117 So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart,
- 00:04:43,201 --> 00:04:45,620 'cause you need to cut me some slack... s.
- 00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,121 I want you to stand in the corner
- 00:04:47,205 --> 00:04:48,724 and face the corner and talk to nobody.
- 00:04:48,748 --> 00:04:52,043 Maybe... I... will.
- 00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,045 You know, you're not being very supportive
- 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,755 of Birdperson on his big day.
- 00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,049 Birdperson's big day, Morty,
- 00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:01,469 was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon
- 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,346 against the Gromflamites!
- 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,682 This? This is a losing battle.
- 00:05:05,765 --> 00:05:07,684 Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying.
- 00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:09,227 He's getting married!
- 00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,704 I mean, what do you think's gonna happen
- 00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,355 if you open yourself up a little bit?
- 00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:13,815 I mean, look around.
- 00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:16,693 This is your family and friends all around you, you know?
- 00:05:16,776 --> 00:05:18,277 Take the day off.
- 00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:20,321 There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight.
- 00:05:20,405 --> 00:05:22,323 [Whistles] That's his last name.
- 00:05:22,407 --> 00:05:23,449 Are you hyphenating it?
- 00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:24,742 Squanch this, mo-Fo.
- 00:05:24,826 --> 00:05:26,244 [Both laugh]
- 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,287 Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender.
- 00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:30,289 Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk?
- 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:33,376 It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about
- 00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,836 and a <i>lot</i> of vodka.
- 00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,629 Mm-Hmm. I have a lot of vodka.
- 00:05:36,713 --> 00:05:37,547 Then I'll take one of those.
- 00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,173 I don't need the rest.
- 00:05:39,257 --> 00:05:41,342 God, whatever, Rick.
- 00:05:41,426 --> 00:05:43,886 It sounds like you and my dad have a long history together.
- 00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:45,555 Wish I could say the same.
- 00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,557 The road your father and I walked together
- 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,519 is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies.
- 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,603 Must be nice.
- 00:05:52,687 --> 00:05:54,647 Um, I used to have to draw him
- 00:05:54,731 --> 00:05:56,357 into family photos with a crayon.
- 00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,860 The war in which we fought is far from over.
- 00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,486 We live our lives in hiding.
- 00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:02,697 I guess I should be happy for you.
- 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:05,324 I mean, great, you guys got to hang out.
- 00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:06,868 I hope you had a blast.
- 00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:09,454 The galactic government considers us terrorists.
- 00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,831 It's unwise of me to share these details,
- 00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,416 but I've become inebriated.
- 00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:14,810 I don't know if you can appreciate
- 00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:17,003 what it means to grow up without a father, but...
- 00:06:17,253 --> 00:06:18,796 The guest list at this wedding
- 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,632 includes 17 of the Federation's most wanted.
- 00:06:21,716 --> 00:06:23,634 We have committed numerous atrocities
- 00:06:23,718 --> 00:06:25,303 in the name of freedom.
- 00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:26,679 Annnd during that time,
- 00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:28,490 I don't suppose he ever mentioned his daughter.
- 00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,891 Are those baby quiches?
- 00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,350 Night crawler pate.
- 00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:33,394 I should prepare for the ceremony.
- 00:06:33,478 --> 00:06:35,438 Like talking to a brick wall.
- 00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:36,856 [Squawking]
- 00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:38,900 In the name of the squanch, the six rivers,
- 00:06:38,983 --> 00:06:40,902 the four squanches, and the nine balls,
- 00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:45,281 I unite these two organisms in eternal squanch!
- 00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:47,408 Tammy, you may squanch your vows now.
- 00:06:47,492 --> 00:06:49,911 Birdperson... [inhales sharply]
- 00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:53,915 You are my seed, my worm, my earliness,
- 00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,666 and my lack of cats.
- 00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,169 I promise to be yours until your death.
- 00:06:58,252 --> 00:06:59,504 - Nice! - ALL: Aww!
- 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,963 Birdperson.
- 00:07:01,047 --> 00:07:03,883 Tammy, I was approaching infertility when I met you,
- 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,635 but there is still time.
- 00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:07,345 I am yours until my death.
- 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:08,846 ALL: Aww!
- 00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:10,765 [Burping] Aww.
- 00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:13,810 I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!
- 00:07:13,893 --> 00:07:15,978 [Cheers and applause and profane kissing]
- 00:07:20,775 --> 00:07:23,653 ♪ Girl, you got it going on ♪
- 00:07:24,946 --> 00:07:27,073 [Children laughing]
- 00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:29,575 [Monotone] I am not staring at you.
- 00:07:29,659 --> 00:07:32,662 I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural.
- 00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,455 This is a candid shot.
- 00:07:34,539 --> 00:07:36,582 I don't require a camera so...
- 00:07:36,666 --> 00:07:38,417 Sorry.
- 00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,378 Hi. I am not staring at you...
- 00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:43,339 [screams]
- 00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:46,092 [Clinking]
- 00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:47,844 Uh, hi, everybody.
- 00:07:47,927 --> 00:07:49,595 I'm Ri[burps]ck.
- 00:07:49,679 --> 00:07:54,600 You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...
- 00:07:54,684 --> 00:07:56,411 Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe
- 00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:57,687 because I'm the smartest.
- 00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,490 And being nice is something stupid people do
- 00:07:59,564 --> 00:08:00,898 to hedge their bets.
- 00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:02,358 Now, I haven't been exactly subtle
- 00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:03,776 about how little I trust marriage.
- 00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:05,153 I couldn't make it work,
- 00:08:05,403 --> 00:08:06,839 and I could turn a black hole into a sun,
- 00:08:06,863 --> 00:08:08,823 so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself
- 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,700 what are the odds this is legit
- 00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:12,511 and not just some big lie we're all telling ourselves
- 00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:13,995 because we're afraid to die alone?
- 00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:16,831 Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die... alone.
- 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:17,914 - Oh, boy. - Oh, Dad.
- 00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:19,000 Jesus.
- 00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:21,043 But... But... here's the thing.
- 00:08:21,127 --> 00:08:23,004 Birdperson is my best friend,
- 00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:25,840 and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too.
- 00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:28,593 [Cheers and applause]
- 00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:32,388 To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet...
- 00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,724 Opening myself up to others.
- 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,267 SUMMER: Hear, hear! Cheers!
- 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,269 Cheers to that, motherfucker!
- 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,022 Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.
- 00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:44,400 Gosh, I look around this room, and I think,
- 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,277 "Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior
- 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,963 from the planet Earth, and you're marrying
- 00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:50,573 a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!"
- 00:08:50,656 --> 00:08:51,574 [laughter]
- 00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:52,992 Yeah, Tammy!
- 00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:55,703 But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways,
- 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,706 I'm <i>not</i> a high-School senior from the planet Earth.
- 00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,958 In a lot of ways, what I really am
- 00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:03,920 is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation,
- 00:09:04,003 --> 00:09:06,047 and you guys are a group of wanted criminals,
- 00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:09,050 and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.
- 00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,885 - [All murmur] - Oh, shit.
- 00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,363 - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.
- 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,056 Everyone here is under arrest
- 00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:16,849 for crimes against the Federation.
- 00:09:16,933 --> 00:09:17,934 <i>I 'chaim!</i>
- 00:09:18,017 --> 00:09:21,229 - Tammy, what are you doing? - Sit your Bird ass down.
- 00:09:21,479 --> 00:09:23,314 Tammy?
- 00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:25,066 [Cawing weakly]
- 00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:27,735 Birdperson!! No!!
- 00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:30,404 [Screaming]
- 00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:32,949 Holy...
- 00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,125 [beep] Drop the portal gun.
- 00:09:43,209 --> 00:09:45,211 Slide it to the center of the room.
- 00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:47,755 [Beeping]
- 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,132 Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it.
- 00:09:50,216 --> 00:09:51,676 They'll want it at...
- 00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,469 [whooshing]
- 00:09:53,552 --> 00:09:55,972 [High-pitched ringing and muffled background]
- 00:10:12,488 --> 00:10:14,156 [Sighs, roars]
- 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,658 There's no time to squanch!
- 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,576 Get your family out of here!
- 00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,537 I got this.
- 00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:22,290 [Gulps]
- 00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:24,834 [Roaring]
- 00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,128 [Deep voice] How about a taste of my squanch?!
- 00:10:27,211 --> 00:10:28,838 [Growling]
- 00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:32,425 Come on, this way!
- 00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,218 Squanch this!
- 00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:39,348 [Engine turns over]
- 00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,478 Good thing I grabbed a space weapon.
- 00:10:44,562 --> 00:10:46,402 RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!
- 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,524 - SUMMER: Dad! - RICK: Hold on tight!
- 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,486 Aaah!!
- 00:10:56,324 --> 00:10:58,075 Aaaah!!
- 00:10:58,159 --> 00:11:00,202 [Sirens wailing]
- 00:11:00,286 --> 00:11:01,954 Goddamn it! Goddamn it!!
- 00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,046 What the hell happened back there?!
- 00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:12,840 This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.
- 00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:17,887 Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us
- 00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:20,014 about your relationship
- 00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:23,017 with this previously unknown galactic government?
- 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,186 All the important points seem pretty clear, no?
- 00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,438 They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.
- 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,440 Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
- 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,650 How could you be so dishonest with this family?
- 00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,861 Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting
- 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,255 and loving like, oh, I don't know,
- 00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:38,032 my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
- 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,659 who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?
- 00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:41,911 Hey, Tammy was cool!
- 00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,038 - And now we know why. - Because of you!
- 00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,956 Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
- 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,833 and fuck me for letting my guard down,
- 00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:49,460 which I will <i>never</i> do again.
- 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:50,920 Geez, Rick!
- 00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,672 You can't say f... "'F' you" to your granddaughter.
- 00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:56,217 I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. Fuck you.
- 00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:57,986 Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
- 00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,762 Actually, the wedding was beautiful.
- 00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:01,045 The reception got out of hand.
- 00:12:01,097 --> 00:12:03,224 Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,
- 00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,101 and have a family meeting in the morning.
- 00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,228 Yeah, about going home, we can't... ever.
- 00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:08,771 ALL: What?!
- 00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,207 Oh, these guys are looking for us now.
- 00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:11,607 Earth will be swarming with them.
- 00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,733 Us?!
- 00:12:12,817 --> 00:12:14,110 - Jerry... - I want to go home!
- 00:12:14,193 --> 00:12:16,338 Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.
- 00:12:16,362 --> 00:12:18,197 But here's what's gonna happen.
- 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,800 Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you.
- 00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,665 They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent
- 00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,203 of [burps] jumper cables under your nuts and or labia
- 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,038 and hook them up to an alien car battery
- 00:12:26,122 --> 00:12:27,623 until you tell them where I am...
- 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,393 Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know,
- 00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:31,377 which I guarantee <i>they</i> won't believe.
- 00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,254 So who's homesick? By applause.
- 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,673 - [Sobbing] - Ladies? Anybody?
- 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,509 What are we going to do? Where are we going to live?
- 00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,761 Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.
- 00:12:40,845 --> 00:12:42,221 Fuck Earth.
- 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,184 You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?
- 00:12:44,223 --> 00:12:45,724 We'll find a new world.
- 00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,160 Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way
- 00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,103 are at least 90% similar to Earth?
- 00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:52,731 [Beeping] FEMALE VOICE: <i>765 known planets.</i>
- 00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:55,192 How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?
- 00:12:55,276 --> 00:12:57,528 [Beeping] <i>Three.</i>
- 00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,738 See? Our cup runneth over.
- 00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,031 Now, who wants to go shopping
- 00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:03,200 for a brand-new motherfucking world?!
- 00:13:03,284 --> 00:13:04,368 All right!
- 00:13:04,452 --> 00:13:06,287 RICK: Look at this baby!
- 00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:08,080 Would you even know that wasn't Earth?
- 00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:09,999 MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa.
- 00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:12,084 RICK: Pssh. White people problems, Morty.
- 00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:14,295 Let's go down and check her out.
- 00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:16,297 [Thud, water splashing]
- 00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,090 Oh. I thought it was further away.
- 00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:20,676 I uh... I guess this one's a little small.
- 00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,136 All right, uh, maybe...
- 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,099 Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh?
- 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,269 Okay, this one's bigger.
- 00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:34,315 This looks nice.
- 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,900 Mom, Dad, look!
- 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,651 Strawberries on a cob!
- 00:13:37,735 --> 00:13:38,903 [Munching]
- 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,863 Whoa! Hey, check this out!
- 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,615 Flowers on a cob! [laughs]
- 00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:45,951 Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?
- 00:13:46,035 --> 00:13:47,244 That's pretty cool.
- 00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:49,830 Are those... mountains on a cob?
- 00:13:49,914 --> 00:13:51,749 [Birds cawing]
- 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:54,335 RICK: Oh, my god.
- 00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,466 Get in the ship, sweetie. - What?
- 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:01,800 Get in the goddamn ship!!
- 00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:03,135 <i>Everything's</i> on a cob!!
- 00:14:03,219 --> 00:14:05,763 The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
- 00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,389 [Engine turns over]
- 00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,060 [Burps] All right, third time's the charm.
- 00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:12,144 See what we got here.
- 00:14:15,481 --> 00:14:16,982 Seems good.
- 00:14:17,066 --> 00:14:18,442 And nothing on the cob.
- 00:14:18,526 --> 00:14:20,277 Didn't know that was a necessity, but...
- 00:14:20,361 --> 00:14:22,446 No, it's nice. I think this might be it.
- 00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:24,281 Wow! Hey, look, you guys.
- 00:14:24,365 --> 00:14:26,116 The sun's rising.
- 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,827 Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!
- 00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:33,874 Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet?
- 00:14:33,958 --> 00:14:36,210 Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?
- 00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:37,419 [Screaming continues]
- 00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:39,630 <i>42 hours.</i>
- 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,757 All right, well, those are the two choices,
- 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,676 'cause cob planet is off the table.
- 00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:44,885 Now let's take a vote.
- 00:14:44,969 --> 00:14:46,554 MAN: <i>Well, it's official.</i>
- 00:14:46,804 --> 00:14:48,681 <i>The obscure planet known as Earth,</i>
- 00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:51,517 <i>formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist</i>
- 00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,519 <i>and fugitive Rick Sanchez,</i>
- 00:14:53,769 --> 00:14:56,730 <i>has just become the 6, 048th planet</i>
- 00:14:56,814 --> 00:14:58,399 <i>to join the Galactic Federation.</i>
- 00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,568 <i>The plucky little ball of water and dirt,</i>
- 00:15:00,818 --> 00:15:02,319 <i>which is where it gets its name,</i>
- 00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:06,073 <i>is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives</i>
- 00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:10,119 <i>who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos.</i>
- 00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:12,997 <i>Spaghetti, kangaroos? I've gotta check this place out.</i>
- 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,833 <i>[both laugh</i>] <i>Well, you can.</i>
- 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,085 <i>Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details.</i>
- 00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,254 <i>Up next, teenagers are calling it</i>
- 00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:22,381 [<i>growls and squeals</i>]
- 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,258 <i>And it's</i> not <i>what you think.</i>
- 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:25,735 What are you... What did you do that for?
- 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,052 Dramatic effect.
- 00:15:27,136 --> 00:15:29,680 Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon?
- 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,682 Yes, we discovered a species of tiny pig
- 00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,809 off the coast of New Australia
- 00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:36,061 about 30 yards east. - Or 300 yards west.
- 00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:37,438 We'd offer you some,
- 00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:39,857 but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast.
- 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,692 Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole
- 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:43,527 and do a little bit of exploring.
- 00:15:43,611 --> 00:15:45,029 If you guys need me, just yell
- 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,280 or throw something so hard
- 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,003 that it goes around the world and hits me.
- 00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,633 [Door shuts] Okay, now that he's gone,
- 00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:52,077 can we please talk about our situation?
- 00:15:52,161 --> 00:15:54,163 Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back.
- 00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:55,581 You know, it's a small world.
- 00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,166 Please, he's in the South Pole!
- 00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:59,627 And <i>we</i> need to have a serious conversation.
- 00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:01,879 [Insects chirping]
- 00:16:02,838 --> 00:16:04,840 [Thunder rumbles]
- 00:16:07,343 --> 00:16:09,928 [Wind howling]
- 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,932 South Pole discovered, baby!
- 00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,768 Ohhhh!
- 00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:17,728 Oh fuck! An ice cave?
- 00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,021 Shit!
- 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,732 Things just keep on getting better.
- 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,109 Wow, it's the planet's core.
- 00:16:24,193 --> 00:16:25,736 JERRY: I'm just saying,
- 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,905 we keep acting like there's only two options,
- 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,323 but there's not.
- 00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:31,200 So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
- 00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,786 as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us.
- 00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:35,996 But, and this is purely hypothetical,
- 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,499 what if we turned your father in to the government?
- 00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,750 Jerry, so help me god,
- 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,794 if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.
- 00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,420 There already is no more bacon!
- 00:16:43,504 --> 00:16:45,923 This world sucks! Our life sucks!
- 00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:47,758 Why are we doing this for someone
- 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:51,303 that would <i>never</i> do anything for anyone but himself?
- 00:16:51,387 --> 00:16:53,055 MORTY: That's not the point, Dad!
- 00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,058 We love Rick... f-for the most part.
- 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,286 SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward,
- 00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,354 Dad, you love them unconditionally.
- 00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:02,398 That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.
- 00:17:02,481 --> 00:17:04,108 Okay, so let me get this straight.
- 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,359 For the rest of your lives,
- 00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,069 no matter how much it hurts you,
- 00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,279 no matter how much it destroys our children's futures,
- 00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:12,074 we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?
- 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,951 - ALL: Yes. - Why?!
- 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,620 Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!
- 00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,132 Hey. Uh...
- 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,551 I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system,
- 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,052 get some ice cream.
- 00:17:32,136 --> 00:17:33,721 You... You want me to come with?
- 00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:36,390 Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something?
- 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:38,559 I'll be okay. Bye, Morty.
- 00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:40,269 Rick?
- 00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:42,104 You're not leaving, right?
- 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,022 Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.
- 00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:45,649 So, you're coming back?
- 00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,943 Morty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream
- 00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,194 and then you don't come back,
- 00:17:49,278 --> 00:17:50,863 you haven't actually gotten ice cream,
- 00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:53,115 you've just gone where ice cream is.
- 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,242 Rick, I can handle it if you go,
- 00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,161 but you'll break Mom's heart.
- 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,871 And I won't forgive you for that.
- 00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,248 Where's the van, Morty?
- 00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:04,168 It's over the horizon in the driveway.
- 00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:11,216 [Engine turns over]
- 00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:20,976 ♪ I hurt myself today ♪
- 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,478 [Dialing]
- 00:18:22,561 --> 00:18:24,313 <i>[Woman speaking gibberish]</i>
- 00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,773 <i>For English, press 2.</i>
- 00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:27,608 <i>[beep] Connecting to agent.</i>
- 00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:29,443 WOMAN: <i>Ongoing investigations.</i>
- 00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:32,613 Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth.
- 00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,990 I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez,
- 00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:36,325 the wanted criminal.
- 00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:37,618 <i>Hold on! [ringing]</i>
- 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,119 <i>This is Special Agent Gribbles.</i>
- 00:18:39,203 --> 00:18:40,537 <i>You have a tip about Rick Sanchez?</i>
- 00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:42,623 Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family,
- 00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,625 and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9.
- 00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,461 He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern.
- 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,296 And listen. <i>- Yes?</i>
- 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,357 I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you,
- 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,219 so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?
- 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,888 <i>We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine.</i>
- 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,473 Nice. Thank you.
- 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,183 I'm Jerry Smith,
- 00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:04,144 and I love sucking big, sweaty boners
- 00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:08,440 and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.
- 00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:10,526 <i>Uh... okay.</i>
- 00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:17,574 ♪ What have I become ♪
- 00:19:17,658 --> 00:19:22,496 ♪ My sweetest friend ♪
- 00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:28,252 ♪ Everyone I know ♪
- 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:34,508 ♪ Goes away in the end ♪
- 00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:36,218 ♪ You could have it all ♪
- 00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:40,639 - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No.
- 00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,933 ♪ My empire of dirt ♪
- 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:46,019 Hey, look, cops.
- 00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:52,776 ♪ I will let you down ♪ - Good morning.
- 00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:58,240 ♪ I will make you hurt ♪
- 00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:04,454 How long will you be visiting Earth?
- 00:20:04,538 --> 00:20:05,831 Oh, we live here.
- 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,208 We were just off-planet for a wedding.
- 00:20:08,292 --> 00:20:09,543 Go that way.
- 00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:30,439 [Tires screech, beeping]
- 00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,566 I have processed that you are in in distress
- 00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:34,735 and have proscribed antidepressants.
- 00:20:34,818 --> 00:20:37,279 Compliments of the Galactic Federation.
- 00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:38,447 I feel better.
- 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,198 Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits.
- 00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:41,992 Report to the Ministry of Employment
- 00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,328 and you will be assigned a function.
- 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:47,789 Honey! I got a job!
- 00:20:47,873 --> 00:20:50,334 ♪ You could have it all ♪
- 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:53,879 Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.
- 00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:59,468 ♪ My empire of dirt ♪
- 00:20:59,551 --> 00:21:05,474 ♪ I will let you down ♪
- 00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:09,853 ♪ I will make you hurt ♪
- 00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,777 Hey, what are you in for?
- 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:19,488 Everything.
- 00:21:24,493 --> 00:21:26,870 ♪♪
- 00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:57,275 Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger.
- 00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:58,944 Oh, boy, oh, my!
- 00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,363 That's a real crazy ending, huh?
- 00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:04,950 Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.
- 00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:06,827 [Groans] As you can see,
- 00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:08,829 I'm still recovering from the bullet shot
- 00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:10,831 that I got from Beth.
- 00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,916 Remember that one? Ooh-Whee!
- 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,960 - [Meowing] - Come and get it, kitty.
- 00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:17,671 You know, these little fellows help me get through the day.
- 00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:18,672 [Gulping]
- 00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:20,424 Ooh-whee.
- 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,426 Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.
- 00:22:22,509 --> 00:22:25,012 [Doorbell rings]
- 00:22:25,262 --> 00:22:27,264 I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks.
- 00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:29,766 Hey, what did <i>you</i> think of that finale, huh?
- 00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:32,602 Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay?
- 00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:34,163 Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bro.
- 00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,856 Your total is $12.37.
- 00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:37,917 Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out off jail?
- 00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,877 Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?
- 00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,501 Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!
- 00:22:41,528 --> 00:22:43,572 [laughing and saying "ooh-whee!"]
- 00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:44,865 Ow!
- 00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:46,509 Tune in to "Rick and Morty" season three in,
- 00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:48,577 like, a year and a half...
- 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:52,247 or longer to see how we unravel this mess.
- 00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:53,498 Ooh-Whee!
- 00:22:53,582 --> 00:22:55,000 Oh, my god!
- 00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:56,501 Did you get any of that?
- 00:22:56,585 --> 00:22:58,545 It's-a good-a show!
- 00:00:01,470 --> 00:00:04,400 Ключ к сухому завтраку - держать 70% над молоком.
- 00:00:04,470 --> 00:00:05,620 Джерри, найди работу.
- 00:00:07,150 --> 00:00:08,769 Э, п-почему бы тебе не открыть, Джерри?
- 00:00:08,770 --> 00:00:10,670 Ты тут главный и безработный.
- 00:00:13,170 --> 00:00:14,200 Доставка для Рика.
- 00:00:14,250 --> 00:00:15,800 Доброе утро, Саммер, Бетт и Джерри.
- 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,300 Отвратительно. Что это?
- 00:00:17,370 --> 00:00:18,300 Это - складка-курьер.
- 00:00:18,350 --> 00:00:20,150 Это как межгалактическая версия UPS,
- 00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:21,550 но менее ленивая.
- 00:00:21,650 --> 00:00:22,970 О, чёёрт!
- 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,719 Похоже на яйцо-приглашение от птицечеловека.
- 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,950 Должно быть пришло время его ежегодной Оскар-вечеринки.
- 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,070 А, кстати, наши TV сигналы идут до него
- 00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:29,900 световые годы.
- 00:00:29,950 --> 00:00:32,430 Никто не рассказываете ему, что фильм "Храброе сердце" победил.
- 00:00:32,650 --> 00:00:34,370 <i>Приветствую. Это птицечеловек.</i>
- 00:00:34,420 --> 00:00:35,450 <i>И Тэмми!</i>
- 00:00:35,550 --> 00:00:37,169 <i>Приглашаем вас на планету сквонч</i>
- 00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:39,049 <i>на нашу церемонию бракообъявления...</i>
- 00:00:39,050 --> 00:00:40,070 <i>Если вы с Земли,</i>
- 00:00:39,050 --> 00:00:40,050 Аа!
- 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,600 <i>Это значит, что мы вступаем в брак!</i>
- 00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:42,500 О, Боже мой!
- 00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:44,470 Моя подруга Тэмми выходит за муж за птицечеловека!
- 00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,100 Что за чертовщина этот птицечеловек?
- 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:47,219 Он лучший друг Рика.
- 00:00:47,220 --> 00:00:48,869 Ээ, д-давай не будем преувеличивать, Морти.
- 00:00:48,870 --> 00:00:50,849 Не хотите ли вы ответить на приглашение или отправить подарок?
- 00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:53,099 Нет. Свадьбы - это попросту похороны с тортом.
- 00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:54,950 Если бы я хотел посмотреть на кого-нибудь прожигающего жизнь,
- 00:00:54,970 --> 00:00:56,669 я бы просто ошивался с Джерри весь день.
- 00:00:56,670 --> 00:00:58,026 Подтверждено! Возвращаю к отправителю.
- 00:00:58,050 --> 00:00:59,719 Нет, подожди, постой, складка-курьер.
- 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:00,170 Остаюсь!
- 00:01:00,370 --> 00:01:02,370 Папа, у тебя женится друг.
- 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,350 Это - большое дело.
- 00:01:03,420 --> 00:01:05,420 Большое дело, что у него <i>есть</i> друг.
- 00:01:05,450 --> 00:01:07,920 Что ты знаешь о приятелях, Джерри?
- 00:01:07,950 --> 00:01:09,370 Подтверждено, принять Джерри.
- 00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:10,550 Воу, подожди! Аа!
- 00:01:10,550 --> 00:01:11,320 О, Боже! Джерри!
- 00:01:11,370 --> 00:01:12,370 - Папа! - Папа!
- 00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:14,500 Куда оно его везёт?
- 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,250 Я предполагаю, на планету сквонч...
- 00:01:16,470 --> 00:01:18,470 6000 световых лет через галактику.
- 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,319 Воу, э-это... это безумно!
- 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,739 Да, я знаю. Теперь нам придётся пойти на свадьбу.
- 00:01:22,740 --> 00:01:25,440 ♪
- 00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:54,960 Перевод - savask, стили и тайминг - alexeymil0, английские субтитры - kalkar
- 00:02:04,470 --> 00:02:06,120 Рик Сэнчез!
- 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,000 Ах, ты психованный мешок сквонча!
- 00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:08,870 Эй, как дела, сквончи?
- 00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:09,550 - Эй, сквончи. - Эй, сквончи.
- 00:02:09,553 --> 00:02:12,470 Морти, Саммер! А Вы, должно быть, Бетт.
- 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,120 Енсквончи!
- 00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:17,550 В Вашем языке слово "сквонч" часто используется.
- 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,369 Не становится ли это утомительным и избившимся,
- 00:02:19,370 --> 00:02:20,370 как "смурфы"?
- 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,450 Бетт, культура сквончи больше контекстная, чем буквальная.
- 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:26,076 Ты просто вкладываешь, что хочешь в свой сквонч, и люди понимают.
- 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:27,420 О. Ладно.
- 00:02:27,470 --> 00:02:30,120 Я <i>сквончу</i> мою семью.
- 00:02:30,270 --> 00:02:30,800 Эм...
- 00:02:30,801 --> 00:02:31,820 Эм.. Что, это так.
- 00:02:31,850 --> 00:02:32,720 Я сквончу мою семью.
- 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,470 Хватит говорить это. Отвратительно.
- 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:35,950 Ладно вам, парни.
- 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,620 Гости пьют коксквончи.
- 00:02:43,870 --> 00:02:44,800 Где я?!
- 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:45,800 На свадьбе.
- 00:02:45,850 --> 00:02:46,850 Переоденься.
- 00:02:47,220 --> 00:02:49,320 ♪ Я пришелец с джазовым рэпом ♪
- 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:52,300 ♪ Джазово рэпую для пришельской мили ♪
- 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,900 ♪ Жирный бит и пришельская улыбка ♪
- 00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:57,870 ♪ Джазовый космический телефон, пришельский номер друга ♪
- 00:02:58,450 --> 00:03:00,920 ♪ У меня полный рот джаза на твою задницу ♪
- 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,850 ♪ И я буду джазовать ♪
- 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,420 О, ты приехала!
- 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:05,970 Ну, конечно же!
- 00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:08,720 О, Боже мой. Мне нравится твоё кольцо.
- 00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:11,570 Спасибо. Это бабушки птицечеловека.
- 00:03:11,620 --> 00:03:13,300 Она билась с белкой за него.
- 00:03:13,670 --> 00:03:14,550 Птицечеловек.
- 00:03:14,650 --> 00:03:17,069 Рик, я рад, что ты и твоя семья
- 00:03:17,070 --> 00:03:19,119 смогли засвидетельствовать мой брак с Тэмми.
- 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,050 Мы очень рады.
- 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:22,000 Да, надеюсь у вас был добрак.
- 00:03:22,070 --> 00:03:22,770 Рик!
- 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:22,770 Что?!
- 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,476 Это просто практический способ удостовериться,
- 00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:25,500 что когда она покончит с тобой,
- 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,150 ты сможешь вернуть хотя бы одно яичко.
- 00:03:27,170 --> 00:03:27,970 Боже, пап.
- 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,450 Он раздражительный после полёта.
- 00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:31,270 Оо, я-я был счастлив во время полёта.
- 00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:32,770 Я раздражительный после посадки.
- 00:03:34,550 --> 00:03:35,950 Ну, я взглянул на гостевую книгу.
- 00:03:36,020 --> 00:03:37,750 Мы тут не знаем ни одного чёртова человека.
- 00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:40,400 Привет! Джерри Смит... отец подруги невесты.
- 00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:42,750 Реклама - моя обычная деятельность, но я в перерыве...
- 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,800 Джерри, хватит подлизываться. Мы в космосе.
- 00:03:44,870 --> 00:03:46,020 "Джерри, найди работу!"
- 00:03:46,050 --> 00:03:48,219 "Джерри, не ищи работу на пришельской свадьбе!"
- 00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:49,020 Я тебя не понимаю.
- 00:03:49,021 --> 00:03:50,576 Это самое близкое, к чему я когда либо добиралась
- 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,050 в жизни моего отца.
- 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:53,170 Я не хочу это испортить.
- 00:03:53,270 --> 00:03:55,349 Ладно, понял. Я всё порчу тебе.
- 00:03:55,350 --> 00:03:57,910 Ты говоришь, что понял, но я боюсь, что ты продолжишь делать это.
- 00:03:57,950 --> 00:04:00,146 Смотри, вот люди, на которых ты можешь попрактиковаться.
- 00:04:00,170 --> 00:04:01,770 Вы, должно быть, отец с матерью Саммер.
- 00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:04,219 Мы - родители Тэмми... Пэт и Донна Гутерман.
- 00:04:04,220 --> 00:04:05,220 Привет. Бетт.
- 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:06,370 Это - Джерри.
- 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:09,450 То есть ваша дочь-подросток выходит замуж за птицечеловека.
- 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:10,820 А вы <i>за</i> это?
- 00:04:11,270 --> 00:04:12,270 Ха-ха. Без шуток.
- 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:13,200 Мы очень гордимся.
- 00:04:13,210 --> 00:04:16,420 Он замечательный человек и удивительная птица.
- 00:04:16,470 --> 00:04:18,470 Всё же, сколько ему, 40? Хех.
- 00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:19,620 Просто, знаете,
- 00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:21,969 когда ему было 30, она была ребёнком.
- 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,926 Когда ему было сколько ей сейчас, она ещё не родилась.
- 00:04:23,950 --> 00:04:26,170 Когда ему было, допустим, 18,
- 00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:28,950 она была буквально там, в Вашей матке.
- 00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,626 Представьте, что вы беременны вашей дочерью,
- 00:04:30,650 --> 00:04:32,500 а птицетинейджер заходит к вам домой и говорит:
- 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,450 "Я заберу это. Я буду заниматься с этим сексом."
- 00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:35,719 Ха-ха. Дайте нам пару секунд.
- 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,919 Ты родился таким вредным?
- 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,420 Я был перемещён сюда против воли
- 00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:40,869 во фрикадельке, да?
- 00:04:40,870 --> 00:04:43,400 Так что забери своё отношение в мужскую секцию kmart-а,
- 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:46,000 потому, что тебе нужно подшить мне брю..ки.
- 00:04:46,070 --> 00:04:47,400 Я хочу, что бы ты встал в угол,
- 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:48,860 смотрел в угол и ни с кем не говорил.
- 00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:51,170 Может... я... так и сделаю.
- 00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:54,420 Знаешь, ты не очень добр
- 00:04:54,470 --> 00:04:55,870 к птицечеловеку в его большой день.
- 00:04:55,900 --> 00:04:58,370 Большим днём птицечеловека, Морти,
- 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,720 был день битвы за хребет на третей луне Глапфлапа
- 00:05:01,770 --> 00:05:03,200 против громфламитов!
- 00:05:03,620 --> 00:05:06,000 Это? Это проигрышная битва.
- 00:05:06,150 --> 00:05:07,820 Боже, Рик, он не умирает.
- 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,120 Он женится!
- 00:05:09,270 --> 00:05:10,819 То есть, что по твоему произойдёт,
- 00:05:10,820 --> 00:05:12,370 если ты немного откроешься?
- 00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:13,700 То есть, оглянись.
- 00:05:13,850 --> 00:05:16,920 Вокруг тебя твоя семья и друзья, да?
- 00:05:16,970 --> 00:05:17,970 Возьми выходной.
- 00:05:18,150 --> 00:05:20,370 Нет от чего убегать, не с чем бороться.
- 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,619 Это его фамилия.
- 00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:23,669 Через дефис?
- 00:05:23,670 --> 00:05:25,200 К сквончу это, сучара.
- 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,370 Неплохо, Морти. Извините, бармен.
- 00:05:28,420 --> 00:05:30,369 Вы можете сделать мне поучение от тупого внука?
- 00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:33,569 Это одна часть лажовых советов о том, что ты не знаешь,
- 00:05:33,570 --> 00:05:35,050 и <i>много</i> водки.
- 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:36,620 Мммм, у меня есть много водки.
- 00:05:36,650 --> 00:05:37,670 Тогда я возьму её.
- 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:38,920 Остальное мне не нужно.
- 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:40,320 Боже, как хочешь, Рик.
- 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:42,970 О, похоже, что Вы и мой отец
- 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,200 многое пережили вместе.
- 00:05:44,350 --> 00:05:45,600 Жаль, я не могу сказать так же.
- 00:05:45,650 --> 00:05:47,900 Дорога, по которой Ваш отец и я прошли вместе
- 00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:51,850 глубоко пропитана кровью и друзей, и врагов.
- 00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:52,570 Должно быть здорово.
- 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,120 Эм, я раньше пририсовывала его
- 00:05:55,170 --> 00:05:56,396 к нашим семейным фото карандашами.
- 00:05:56,420 --> 00:05:58,900 Война, в которой мы сражались далека от завершения.
- 00:05:58,950 --> 00:06:00,570 Мы живём скрываясь.
- 00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:02,800 Думаю, я должна быть счастлива за вас.
- 00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:05,400 То есть, здорово, что вы, парни, отрывались.
- 00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:06,950 Надеюсь вы там зажгли.
- 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,640 Галактическое правительство расценивает нас в качестве террористов.
- 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,100 С моей стороны неблагоразумно делиться этими подробностями,
- 00:06:12,150 --> 00:06:13,620 но я опьянён.
- 00:06:13,650 --> 00:06:15,050 Не знаю, можете ли ВЫ понять,
- 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,270 что такое расти без отца, но...
- 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:18,860 Список гостей на свадьбу
- 00:06:18,861 --> 00:06:21,550 включает 17 особо разыскиваемых федерацией.
- 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,969 Мы совершали многочисленные злодеяния
- 00:06:23,970 --> 00:06:25,099 во имя свободы.
- 00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:26,820 Иии в это время,
- 00:06:26,850 --> 00:06:28,700 я не думаю, он когда-либо упоминал о своей дочери.
- 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:30,076 Это - крохотные заварные пирожные?
- 00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,200 Пирожки с ночным змеем.
- 00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:33,100 Мне нужно готовиться к церемонии.
- 00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:35,370 Как со стеной разговариваю.
- 00:06:36,820 --> 00:06:39,099 Во имя сквонча, шести рек,
- 00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:41,170 четырёх сквончев и девяти шаров,
- 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:45,120 я объединяю эти два организма в вечный сквонч!
- 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,420 Тэмми, можешь засквончить свою клятву.
- 00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:48,750 Птицечеловек...
- 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:54,019 Ты - мое зерно, мой червяк, моя скороспелость
- 00:06:54,020 --> 00:06:55,300 и моё отсутствие котов.
- 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,250 Я обещаю быть твоей, пока ты не умрёшь.
- 00:06:58,470 --> 00:06:59,470 - Оуу! - Здорово!
- 00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:00,500 Птицечеловек.
- 00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:03,920 Тэмми, я приближался к бесплодию, когда я тебя встретил,
- 00:07:04,070 --> 00:07:05,300 но ещё есть время.
- 00:07:05,850 --> 00:07:07,220 Я твой, до моей смерти.
- 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:08,720 Оуу!
- 00:07:08,721 --> 00:07:09,780 Оу.
- 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,820 Объявляю вас, сквончем и птицечеловеком!
- 00:07:20,770 --> 00:07:23,800 ♪ Детка, ты - бомба ♪
- 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:29,800 Я не пялюсь на Вас.
- 00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:32,750 Я - киборг-фотограф. Просто ведите себя как обычно.
- 00:07:32,770 --> 00:07:34,220 Это репортажное фото.
- 00:07:34,250 --> 00:07:36,450 Мне не нужна камера, так что...
- 00:07:36,970 --> 00:07:37,970 Извините.
- 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,120 Привет. Я не пялюсь на вас.
- 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:47,970 Ээ, привет всем.
- 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,150 Я - Рик.
- 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,930 Знаете, когда я впервые встретил птицечеловека, он был, ээ-ээ...
- 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,782 m -8 -1 b -76 -613 -520 b -119417816 b 121616152015 b 211421122211 b
- 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,723 Э, привет, все. Я - Рик. Знаете, когда я впервые
- 00:07:52,735 --> 00:07:54,426 встретил птице-человека, он был (оборвать речь) (смять) (экспромт)
- 00:07:52,794 --> 00:07:54,240 229227225 b 22221021 -3 b 24 -426 -429 -5 b 29 -1028 - 1628 -21 b 28 -2227 -2427 -25 b 15 -242 -22 -10 -21
- 00:07:54,450 --> 00:07:56,500 Слушайте, я не самый приятный парень во вселенной,
- 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:57,900 потому, что я самый умный.
- 00:07:57,950 --> 00:07:59,626 А быть приятным - это то, что делают тупые люди,
- 00:07:59,650 --> 00:08:00,650 чтобы подстраховаться.
- 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,419 Теперь, я не особо скрывал,
- 00:08:02,420 --> 00:08:03,969 то, как слабо я доверяю браку.
- 00:08:03,970 --> 00:08:05,169 У меня не получилось заставить это работать,
- 00:08:05,170 --> 00:08:06,770 а я могу обратить чёрную дыру в звезду,
- 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,020 так что в какой-то момент задаёшься вопросом,
- 00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:10,569 каковы шансы, что это работает,
- 00:08:10,570 --> 00:08:12,646 а не является каким-нибудь большим обманом, который мы повторяем себе
- 00:08:12,670 --> 00:08:14,076 потому, что боимся умереть в одиночестве?
- 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:17,100 Ведь, знаете, это именно то, как мы умираем - в одиночестве.
- 00:08:17,250 --> 00:08:18,270 - О, Боже. - О, пап.
- 00:08:18,271 --> 00:08:18,670 Господи.
- 00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:20,950 Но.. но.. вот какое дело.
- 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,970 Птицечеловек - мой лучший друг,
- 00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:25,950 и если он любит Тэмми, ну, я тогда тоже люблю Тэмми.
- 00:08:28,620 --> 00:08:32,250 За дружбу, за любовь и за моё наибольшее пока приключение...
- 00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:34,200 - открыться перед другими.
- 00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,050 Слышите, слышите! Ура!
- 00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,200 Ура этому, сучара.
- 00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:39,550 Спасибо тебе, Рик.
- 00:08:39,570 --> 00:08:40,720 Это было прекрасно.
- 00:08:41,570 --> 00:08:44,319 Боже, я смотрю на эту комнату и думаю:
- 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,570 "Э, Тэмми, ты - старшеклассница
- 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,120 с планеты Земля, и ты выходишь за муж
- 00:08:48,150 --> 00:08:50,470 за 40-летнего птицечеловека? Типа, что?!"
- 00:08:51,870 --> 00:08:53,069 Да, Тэмми!
- 00:08:53,070 --> 00:08:55,870 Но потом я думаю, знаете, во многом,
- 00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:58,300 я <i>не</i> старшеклассница с планеты Земля.
- 00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:01,200 Во многом, я по настоящему -
- 00:09:01,270 --> 00:09:03,869 агент галактической федерации под прикрытием,
- 00:09:03,870 --> 00:09:05,970 а вы, парни, - группа разыскиваемых преступников,
- 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,170 и всё это здание, в некотором смысле, окружено.
- 00:09:10,170 --> 00:09:11,020 О, Боже.
- 00:09:11,070 --> 00:09:12,170 Я... я не понимаю метафору.
- 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,319 Я потом тебе объясню.
- 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,100 Все здесь арестованы
- 00:09:15,150 --> 00:09:16,850 за преступления против федерации.
- 00:09:16,950 --> 00:09:17,850 <i>За жизнь!</i>
- 00:09:17,970 --> 00:09:19,170 Тэмми, что ты делаешь?
- 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,300 Прижал свою птичью задницу.
- 00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:22,350 Тэмми?
- 00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:26,270 Птицечеловек!!
- 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:27,360 Нет!!
- 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:32,800 Боже...
- 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,120 Брось портальную пушку.
- 00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:45,370 Отбрось её в центр комнаты.
- 00:09:47,870 --> 00:09:50,469 Кто-нибудь, конфискуйте это и не повредите.
- 00:09:50,470 --> 00:09:51,470 Они хотят всё...
- 00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:13,620 Ээ.
- 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,800 Нет времени сквончить!
- 00:10:15,870 --> 00:10:17,470 Уводи свою семью от сюда!
- 00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:18,520 У меня есть это.
- 00:10:25,070 --> 00:10:27,200 Как на счёт попробовать моего сквонча?!
- 00:10:30,950 --> 00:10:32,250 Идём, сюда!
- 00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:33,950 Сквончи это!
- 00:10:42,570 --> 00:10:44,520 Хорошо, что я прихватил космическую пушку.
- 00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:46,819 Это хлопушка, ты тупой идиот!
- 00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:47,220 Папа!
- 00:10:47,221 --> 00:10:48,250 Держитесь!
- 00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,110 Ааа!
- 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,480 Аааа!
- 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,770 Боже! Боже!
- 00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:10,000 Что за чертовщина там произошла?!
- 00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:12,560 Это из-за вас, я говорил, что свадьбы тупые.
- 00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:19,000 Э, Рик, есть ли что-нибудь, что ты бы хотел сообщить нам
- 00:11:19,020 --> 00:11:20,450 о своих взаимоотношениях
- 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:23,450 с доселе неизвестным галактическим правительством?
- 00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:25,550 Всё главное довольно ясно, нет?
- 00:11:25,570 --> 00:11:28,050 Они думают, что управляют галактикой, я не согласен.
- 00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:29,826 Я не ненавижу игрока, мне не нравится игра, сынок.
- 00:11:29,850 --> 00:11:32,319 Как ты мог быть настолько нечестным со своей семьёй?
- 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,350 Оу! Оу, мне стоило быть более открытым, доверчивым
- 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:35,979 и любящим, как, о, не знаю,
- 00:11:35,980 --> 00:11:38,550 мой теперь мёртвый лучший друг? Или твоя дочь,
- 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,070 которая "лучший друг навсегда" с межгалактической ФСБшницей?
- 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,370 Эй, Тэмми была клёвой!
- 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,300 И теперь мы знаем почему.
- 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,320 Из-за тебя!
- 00:11:44,350 --> 00:11:46,470 К чёрту тебя, Саммер, и к чёрту правительство.
- 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,250 И к чёрту меня за то, что снизил бдительность,
- 00:11:48,270 --> 00:11:50,020 чего я <i>никогда больше не допущу.</i>
- 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,150 Боже, Рик!
- 00:11:51,220 --> 00:11:53,920 Ты не можешь посылать свою внучку.
- 00:11:53,970 --> 00:11:56,619 Я только что это сделал, Морти. А вот десерт - пошёл ты,
- 00:11:56,620 --> 00:11:58,196 Послушай, у нас у всех была суровая свадьба.
- 00:11:58,220 --> 00:11:59,920 На самом деле, свадьба была прекрасной.
- 00:11:59,950 --> 00:12:01,350 Приём вышел из под контроля.
- 00:12:01,370 --> 00:12:03,850 Как бы то ни было, давайте пойдём домой, выспимся,
- 00:12:03,870 --> 00:12:05,450 а потом устроим семейное собрание утром.
- 00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:08,110 Да, на счёт поездки домой, мы не сможем этого сделать... никогда.
- 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,120 Что?!
- 00:12:09,121 --> 00:12:10,600 О, эти парни теперь ищут нас.
- 00:12:10,650 --> 00:12:12,200 Земля будет <i>роиться ими.</i>
- 00:12:12,250 --> 00:12:12,770 Мы?!
- 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:13,320 Джерри...
- 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,070 Я хочу домой!
- 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:15,700 Смотрите, все, кто хочет вернуться на Землю,
- 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:16,900 может вернуться на Землю.
- 00:12:16,950 --> 00:12:18,069 Но вот, что произойдёт.
- 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:20,020 Инопланетные бюрократы арестуют вас.
- 00:12:20,050 --> 00:12:21,970 Они засунут межгалактический эквивалент
- 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,469 кабелей-крокодилов под ваши яйца или вагину
- 00:12:24,470 --> 00:12:26,519 и подключат их к инопланетному аккумулятору
- 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:27,800 пока вы не скажете им, где я...
- 00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:29,620 Что, я вам гарантирую, вы не будете знать,
- 00:12:29,650 --> 00:12:31,670 чему, я гарантирую это, <i>они</i> не поверят.
- 00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:33,970 Так кто скучает по дому? Похлопайте.
- 00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:35,770 Женщины? Кто-нибудь?
- 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,370 Что мы будем делать?
- 00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:38,750 Где мы будем жить?
- 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,319 Не кипишуй. Это скрытый дар.
- 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:42,370 К чёрту Землю.
- 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,496 Ты понимаешь, что имя нашей планеты означает "грязь", верно?
- 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:45,650 Мы найдём другой мир.
- 00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:47,620 Компьютер, сколько планет во млечном пути
- 00:12:47,650 --> 00:12:49,550 по крайней мере на 90% схожих с Землёй?
- 00:12:50,250 --> 00:12:52,950 <i>765 известных планет.</i>
- 00:12:53,070 --> 00:12:55,370 Сколько из них не под юрисдикцией федерации?
- 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:57,770 <i>Три.</i>
- 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,169 Видите? У нас даже больше, чем нужно.
- 00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,350 Так, что хочет пойти за
- 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,650 новеньким сучим мирком?!
- 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:04,720 Да!
- 00:13:05,420 --> 00:13:06,800 Посмотрите на эту малютку!
- 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,350 Вы вообще бы поняли, что это не Земля?
- 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,350 Да, потому, что тут нет Африки.
- 00:13:10,420 --> 00:13:12,450 Пфф. Проблемы белых, Морти.
- 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,770 Давайте спустимся и заценим.
- 00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:18,120 О, я думал она была дальше.
- 00:13:18,450 --> 00:13:20,750 Я, ээ.. Я думаю, она немного маленькая.
- 00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:22,469 Ладно, ээ, может...
- 00:13:22,470 --> 00:13:24,200 Может нам стоит проверить другие две, а?
- 00:13:29,050 --> 00:13:30,700 Ладно, эта больше.
- 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:34,750 Выглядит неплохо.
- 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,020 Мама, папа, смотрите!
- 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,770 Малина на початке!
- 00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:41,070 Оу! Эй, зацените это!
- 00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:43,020 Цветы на початке! Ха-ха!
- 00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:46,320 Ха. Малина и цветы на початке, а?
- 00:13:46,350 --> 00:13:47,400 Это довольно клёво.
- 00:13:47,470 --> 00:13:50,070 Это... горы на початке?
- 00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:53,750 О, Боже мой.
- 00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:00,970 Забирайтесь в корабль, родные.
- 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:00,970 Что?
- 00:14:01,030 --> 00:14:02,250 Забирайтесь в грёбанный корабль!!
- 00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:03,520 <i>Тут всё</i> на початках!!
- 00:14:03,550 --> 00:14:06,000 Вся планета - на початке!! Пошли, пошли, пошли!!
- 00:14:08,970 --> 00:14:11,350 Ладно, Бог троицу любит.
- 00:14:11,420 --> 00:14:12,420 Посмотрим, что тут у нас.
- 00:14:16,180 --> 00:14:17,180 Выглядит неплохо.
- 00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:18,700 И ничего на початках.
- 00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:20,420 Не знал, что это необходимость, но...
- 00:14:20,470 --> 00:14:22,800 Нет, это нормально. Я думаю, это оно.
- 00:14:22,870 --> 00:14:24,620 Вау! Эй, смотрите, люди.
- 00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:25,770 Солнце встаёт.
- 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:31,720 Ааааааааа!!
- 00:14:31,770 --> 00:14:34,490 Э, пап, как долго длятся дни на этой планете?
- 00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:36,830 Э, компьютер, как долго длятся дни на этой планете?
- 00:14:37,370 --> 00:14:39,100 <i>42 часа.</i>
- 00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:42,050 Ладно, ну, это два варианта,
- 00:14:42,070 --> 00:14:43,970 ведь планете початков даже не рассматривается.
- 00:14:44,020 --> 00:14:45,020 Давайте проголосуем.
- 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,750 <i>Ну, это официально.</i>
- 00:14:46,950 --> 00:14:49,100 <i>Неприметная планета, известная как Земля,</i>
- 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,070 <i>прежде убежище межзвёздного террориста</i>
- 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,750 <i>и беглеца - Рика Сэнчеза,</i>
- 00:14:53,820 --> 00:14:57,250 <i>только что стала 6048-ой планетой,</i>
- 00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:58,796 <i>присоединившейся к галактической федерации.</i>
- 00:14:58,820 --> 00:15:01,050 <i>Отважный маленький шар воды и грязи,</i>
- 00:15:01,060 --> 00:15:02,600 <i>откуда, кстати, и происходит его имя,</i>
- 00:15:02,790 --> 00:15:06,250 <i>находится под властвованием семи миллиардов потомков приматов,</i>
- 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,870 <i>которые любят есть спагетти и молиться на кенгуру.</i>
- 00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:12,050 <i>Спагетти, кенгуру?</i>
- 00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:13,769 <i>Мне нужно посетить это место.</i>
- 00:15:13,770 --> 00:15:14,869 <i>Ха-ха!</i>
- 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,000 <i>Ну, ты можешь.</i>
- 00:15:16,070 --> 00:15:18,226 Свяжитесь с министерством туризма, <i>чтобы узнать подробности.</i>
- 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,500 <i>Дальше, подростки называют это:</i>
- 00:15:20,780 --> 00:15:22,619 <i>[*№@%</i>]
- 00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,750 <i>И это </i>не<i> то, о чём вы подумали.</i>
- 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,420 Что ты.. Зачем ты это сделала?
- 00:15:26,450 --> 00:15:27,530 Для драматического эффекта.
- 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:28,870 Доброго утра, семья.
- 00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:30,026 О, я чувствую запах бекона?
- 00:15:30,050 --> 00:15:32,350 Да, мы обнаружили вид маленьких свиней
- 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,900 за побережьем новой Австралии,
- 00:15:33,950 --> 00:15:35,019 примерно 30 ярдов на восток.
- 00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,500 Или 300 ярдов на запад.
- 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:37,600 Мы бы тебе предложили,
- 00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:40,120 но мы истребили их для завтрака.
- 00:15:40,150 --> 00:15:42,200 Ну, я думал, что мы пройдёмся до южного полюса
- 00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:43,669 и немного поисследуем.
- 00:15:43,670 --> 00:15:45,250 Если я буду вам нужен, просто крикните,
- 00:15:45,350 --> 00:15:46,626 или бросьте что-нибудь настолько сильно,
- 00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:48,330 что оно облетит вокруг света и ударит меня.
- 00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:49,870 Ладно, раз он ушёл,
- 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,300 можем ли мы поговорить о нашей ситуации?
- 00:15:52,350 --> 00:15:54,600 Пап, ты не можешь разговаривать о людях за их спиной.
- 00:15:54,650 --> 00:15:55,820 Знаешь, мир тесен.
- 00:15:55,850 --> 00:15:57,600 Ради Бога, он на южном полюсе!
- 00:15:57,670 --> 00:15:59,920 А нам нужно серьёзно поговорить.
- 00:16:11,950 --> 00:16:14,070 Южный полюс открыт, детка!
- 00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:15,650 Оуууу!
- 00:16:15,870 --> 00:16:18,150 О, грёбанная ледяная пещера?
- 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,400 Чёрт.
- 00:16:19,570 --> 00:16:21,550 Всё становится только лучше.
- 00:16:22,770 --> 00:16:24,520 Вау, ядро планеты.
- 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:25,900 Я просто говорю,
- 00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:28,169 что мы действуем, будто есть только два варианта,
- 00:16:28,170 --> 00:16:29,170 но это не так.
- 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,270 Так что, да, если бы мы вернулись на Землю,
- 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,550 пока Рик был там,
- 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,970 они бы хотели допросить нас.
- 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,200 Но, чисто гипотетически,
- 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,650 что если мы бы сдали твоего отца государству?
- 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,020 Джерри, помоги мне Господь,
- 00:16:40,050 --> 00:16:42,176 если ты ещё раз подымешь эту тему, останешься без бекона.
- 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,800 И так уже нет бекона!
- 00:16:43,850 --> 00:16:45,000 Этот мир - отстой!
- 00:16:45,050 --> 00:16:46,100 Наша жизнь - отстой!
- 00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,200 Почему мы делаем это для кого-то,
- 00:16:48,250 --> 00:16:51,750 кто <i>никогда</i> бы не сделал что-нибудь для кого-то, кроме себя?
- 00:16:51,820 --> 00:16:53,250 Не в этом дело, папа!
- 00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:56,320 Мы любим Рика... В-в основном.
- 00:16:56,370 --> 00:16:58,650 Да, ты не любишь людей в ожидании награды,
- 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,600 папа, ты любишь их безвозмездно.
- 00:17:00,670 --> 00:17:03,079 Очень хорошо, дети. Я горжусь вами.
- 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,469 Ладно, давайте проясним.
- 00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:05,750 До конца жизни,
- 00:17:05,770 --> 00:17:07,100 не важно как сильно это ранит вас,
- 00:17:07,150 --> 00:17:09,749 не важно как сильно это разрушает будущее наших детей,
- 00:17:09,750 --> 00:17:12,749 мы будем делать всё, что захочет Рик, всё что угодно?
- 00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:13,200 Да.
- 00:17:13,350 --> 00:17:13,970 Почему?!
- 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,570 Потому, что я не хочу, чтобы он опять ушёл, ты тупой пень!!
- 00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,220 Эй. Ээ...
- 00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:31,070 Я хотел отправиться в систему глоппидроп
- 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:32,170 за мороженым.
- 00:17:32,171 --> 00:17:33,419 Ты... ты хочешь, чтобы я пошёл с тобой?
- 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,450 То есть, тебе не нужны мои мозговые волны
- 00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:36,826 для камуфляжа или что-нибудь в этом духе?
- 00:17:36,850 --> 00:17:37,850 Я справлюсь.
- 00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:38,970 Пока, Морти.
- 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,320 Рик?
- 00:17:40,670 --> 00:17:42,350 Ты не уходишь, верно?
- 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,320 Да, ухожу. За мороженым.
- 00:17:44,450 --> 00:17:45,600 Так, ты вернёшься?
- 00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:48,119 Морти, если ты идёшь туда, где куча мороженого,
- 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,150 а потом не возвращаешься,
- 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,019 значит ты на самом деле не взял мороженого,
- 00:17:51,020 --> 00:17:52,820 а просто пришёл туда, где оно есть.
- 00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:55,800 Рик, я справлюсь, если ты уйдёшь,
- 00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:57,200 но ты разобьёшь сердце матери.
- 00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,020 И я не прощу тебя за это.
- 00:17:59,970 --> 00:18:01,200 Где фургон, Морти?
- 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,220 За горизонтом, на дороге.
- 00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:21,590 ♪ Я ранил себя сегодня ♪
- 00:18:23,090 --> 00:18:24,889 <i>@$%^</i>
- 00:18:24,890 --> 00:18:26,250 <i>Для английского, нажмите 2.</i>
- 00:18:26,390 --> 00:18:27,920 <i>Подсоединяю к агенту.</i>
- 00:18:28,230 --> 00:18:29,700 Текущие расследования.
- 00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:32,820 Э, привет, меня зовут Джерри Смит, я с планеты Земля.
- 00:18:33,170 --> 00:18:35,300 Я знаю местоположения Рика Сэнчеза,
- 00:18:35,350 --> 00:18:36,520 разыскиваемого преступника.
- 00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,550 Подождите!
- 00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,250 Это специальный агент Грибблс.
- 00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:40,720 У вас есть зацепка о Рике Сэнчезе?
- 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,070 Да, он взял в заложники меня и мою семью
- 00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,820 и оставил нас на Гномей Насыпи-9.
- 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,620 Он сказал, что собирался пойти в таверну плимплом.
- 00:18:47,850 --> 00:18:48,400 И слушайте.
- 00:18:48,570 --> 00:18:49,270 Да?
- 00:18:49,450 --> 00:18:51,570 Я делаю правое для галактики дело, звоня вам,
- 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,200 так что если я вернусь на Землю, будет ли моя семья жить нормально?
- 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,170 Нам нужен только Сэнчез, сэр. Ваша семья будет в порядке.
- 00:18:58,320 --> 00:18:59,650 Хорошо. Спасибо.
- 00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:04,000 Я - Джерри Смит, и я люблю сосать большие, потные
- 00:19:04,070 --> 00:19:08,450 *&и, и лизать отвратительные мохнатые мошонки.
- 00:19:08,970 --> 00:19:10,570 Э... Ладно.
- 00:19:11,670 --> 00:19:15,970 ♪ Чем я стал, ♪
- 00:19:18,470 --> 00:19:21,970 ♪ Мой лучший друг ♪
- 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,620 ♪ Все, кого я знаю ♪
- 00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:33,650 ♪ Уходят под конец ♪
- 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:40,250 ♪ У тебя могло всё быть ♪
- 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,200 Он не вернётся, да ведь?
- 00:19:38,570 --> 00:19:39,770 Нет.
- 00:19:41,750 --> 00:19:43,499 ♪ Моя империя из грязи ♪
- 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:45,300 Эй, смотрите, копы.
- 00:19:47,850 --> 00:19:49,569 ♪ Я разочарую тебя ♪
- 00:19:49,570 --> 00:19:50,850 Доброе утро.
- 00:19:53,850 --> 00:19:58,200 ♪ Я сделаю тебе больно ♪
- 00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,720 Длительность вашего визита на Землю?
- 00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:06,300 О, мы тут живём.
- 00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:08,420 Мы просто были вне планеты во время свадьбы.
- 00:20:08,450 --> 00:20:09,450 Идите туда.
- 00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:32,720 Я просканировала, что вы истощены
- 00:20:32,750 --> 00:20:34,670 и выписала антидепрессанты.
- 00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:36,720 Предоставлено галактической федерацией.
- 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:38,800 Мне лучше.
- 00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:40,620 Ваш долг - 7000 условных единиц.
- 00:20:40,650 --> 00:20:42,370 Обратитесь в министерство занятости
- 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,900 и вам дадут работу.
- 00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:47,070 Дорогая! Я получил работу!
- 00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,949 ♪ У тебя могло быть всё ♪
- 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:54,520 Извините, я не пялюсь на вас, я просто фотографирую.
- 00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:58,470 ♪ Моя империя из грязи ♪
- 00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:04,700 ♪ Я разочарую тебя ♪
- 00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:10,560 ♪ Я сделаю тебе больно ♪
- 00:21:15,470 --> 00:21:16,970 Эй, за что ты тут?
- 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:18,400 За всё.
- 00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:27,570 ♪
- 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,700 Ой-вей, что за неожиданная концовка.
- 00:21:57,770 --> 00:21:59,250 О, Боже, о!
- 00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:01,819 Это просто безумная концовка, а?
- 00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:05,120 Привет, я мистер Говнючок из эпизода 2-04.
- 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,000 Ух. Как вы видите,
- 00:22:07,050 --> 00:22:09,319 я всё ещё отхожу, от того выстрела
- 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:10,720 от Бетт.
- 00:22:10,770 --> 00:22:12,950 Помните его? Ой-вей!
- 00:22:13,420 --> 00:22:14,520 Иди и возьми, котейка.
- 00:22:15,170 --> 00:22:17,700 Знаете, эти маленькие товарищи помогают мне пережить день.
- 00:22:18,900 --> 00:22:19,900 Ой-вей.
- 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,800 Ой-уу-вей! Намного лучше.
- 00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:27,900 У меня большой пепперони и безумные палочки.
- 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,070 Эй, а что <i>ты</i> думаешь, об этом финале, а?
- 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,549 Мм! По твоему с семьёй Смит всё будет в порядке?
- 00:22:33,550 --> 00:22:34,696 Мда, я не знаю, о чем ты говоришь, бро.
- 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:35,900 С тебя $12.37.
- 00:22:35,950 --> 00:22:38,100 Ой-вей! Как думаешь, Рик выберется из тюрьмы?
- 00:22:38,150 --> 00:22:40,550 Ой-вей, как думаешь, семья спасёт его?
- 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,300 Эй, что за фигня?! Слезь на*** с меня!
- 00:22:42,350 --> 00:22:43,550 Ха! Ой-вей!
- 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:44,070 Ау!
- 00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:46,380 Возвращайтесь к "Рику и Морти" в третьем сезоне,
- 00:22:46,420 --> 00:22:48,100 через, примерно, год с половиной...
- 00:22:48,750 --> 00:22:51,850 Или дольше, чтобы увидеть, как мы распутаем этот беспорядок.
- 00:22:52,150 --> 00:22:53,220 Ой-вей!
- 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,299 О, Боже м...!
- 00:22:55,300 --> 00:22:56,809 Ты что-нибудь понял?
- 00:22:56,810 --> 00:22:58,810 Это хорошее шоу!