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Межвселенское кабельное 2: Искушение судьбы
Джерри лечится в инопланетной больнице после того, как по незнанию проглотил бактерии, хранящиеся у Рика в вёдрышке с вишнёвым мороженым. В то время как его семья находится в приёмной и смотрит серию телеканалов из альтернативных реальностей, врачи просят Джерри пожертвовать своим пенисом, чтобы заменить им сердце борца за гражданские права Шримпли Пибблза. Джерри соглашается, но, тем не менее, пытается публично уйти от этого. Это вызывает ненависть публики к Джерри, но также повышает осведомлённость и сборы средств на покупку синтетического сердца для Пибблза. В конце концов, Джерри меняет своё мнение и держит врачей в заложниках, требуя, чтобы они завершили процедуру трансплантации, но служба безопасности останавливает его. Затем семью отправляют домой, а Бет отчитывает Джерри, что он не должен так сильно заботиться о том, что о нём думают незнакомцы. В сцене после титров Джерри пытается съесть «Глазочки» Рика, инопланетные хлопья, появившиеся в межвселенском кабельном телевидении, но в дом врывается Человек-Глазочек и начинает безжалостно избивать его.
- 00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:06,341 Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.
- 00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,593 You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine.
- 00:00:08,677 --> 00:00:10,261 - Whoa! - Ooh, watch out for that stuff.
- 00:00:10,345 --> 00:00:11,930 It'll stain if it gets on your clothes,
- 00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,598 and it'll send you into a murderous rage
- 00:00:13,682 --> 00:00:15,266 if it gets in your eyes or mouth.
- 00:00:15,350 --> 00:00:16,935 Why would you keep mutant bacteria
- 00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,603 in a pint of Cherry Garcia?
- 00:00:18,687 --> 00:00:20,164 I know this isn't the time, but, you know,
- 00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:21,582 technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.
- 00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:22,917 - Not anymore. - You're overreacting!
- 00:00:22,941 --> 00:00:24,293 We're losing him. - All right, fine.
- 00:00:24,317 --> 00:00:25,586 But you're not touching my crisper.
- 00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,195 - Is he going to die? - Don't worry.
- 00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:29,280 Dr. Glip Glop is the best in the galaxy.
- 00:00:29,364 --> 00:00:31,199 Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop.
- 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,993 Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
- 00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,370 Aah!
- 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,914 What?
- 00:00:37,997 --> 00:00:40,351 Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy.
- 00:00:40,375 --> 00:00:42,085 It's like those pizza places
- 00:00:42,168 --> 00:00:43,896 that claim to have the best pizza in the world.
- 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,606 What do you think, they have pizza contests?
- 00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:47,110 Have you ever been to a pizza contest?
- 00:00:47,173 --> 00:00:48,842 - Go in the waiting room, Dad. - Fine!
- 00:00:48,925 --> 00:00:50,969 Excuse me.
- 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,554 Coming through. What are you here for?
- 00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:53,656 Just kidding. I don't care.
- 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:54,681 ♪♪
- 00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,308 Well, this won't do.
- 00:00:57,392 --> 00:00:59,686 - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel.
- 00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,188 - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.
- 00:01:02,272 --> 00:01:04,399 We pretty much nailed it the first time.
- 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,693 ♪ Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor ♪
- 00:01:06,943 --> 00:01:08,862 ♪ Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore ♪
- 00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:11,489 ♪ Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor ♪
- 00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:13,213 ♪ Shake that shit 'til you can't no more ♪
- 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,492 ♪ Biatch! ♪
- 00:01:20,749 --> 00:01:22,834 <i>Ooh! Ooh!</i>
- 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,502 <i>Ow!</i>
- 00:01:24,586 --> 00:01:27,672 <i>"Man vs. Car," the newest hit show,</i>
- 00:01:27,756 --> 00:01:31,050 - Where it pits a man... - Yeah!
- 00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,594 - ...versus a car.
- 00:01:32,677 --> 00:01:34,429 On tonight's episode,
- 00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,514 Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car.
- 00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,433 Here we go.
- 00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:40,268 Oh, he's pushing his way through.
- 00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,603 He's trying to fight that car,
- 00:01:41,686 --> 00:01:43,354 but the car seems to have the upper hand.
- 00:01:43,438 --> 00:01:45,982 Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there.
- 00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:48,318 Oh, no. He just got ran over...
- 00:01:48,401 --> 00:01:50,445 and chewed up by the tires.
- 00:01:50,528 --> 00:01:53,448 I guess that's another one for the cars.
- 00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,327 I mean, wouldn't the cars always win?
- 00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:58,787 ♪♪
- 00:01:59,037 --> 00:02:02,373 Samantha, I need to know that you understand
- 00:02:02,457 --> 00:02:05,627 that I have a couple of eyeholes.
- 00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,629 I do. I do understand about your eyeholes.
- 00:02:07,712 --> 00:02:10,298 Here, look at my eyeholes.
- 00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:14,302 Oh, my god. You have eight eye ho... holes.
- 00:02:15,804 --> 00:02:17,722 Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes.
- 00:02:17,806 --> 00:02:19,724 Yes, look through my eyeholes.
- 00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:28,024 <i>I'm the Eyehole... Man.</i>
- 00:02:28,107 --> 00:02:32,445 <i>I'm the only one that's allowed to have Eyeholes.</i>
- 00:02:32,529 --> 00:02:35,907 <i>Get up on out of here with my Eyeholes.</i>
- 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,909 <i>Eyeholes. Get them today.</i>
- 00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:39,619 You gotta be careful, Morty.
- 00:02:39,702 --> 00:02:41,514 If that guy catches you with a box of his Eyeholes,
- 00:02:41,538 --> 00:02:43,122 he comes bursting in through a window
- 00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,926 and just starts kicking the shit out of you.
- 00:02:45,041 --> 00:02:46,459 But it's worth the risk.
- 00:02:46,543 --> 00:02:48,187 They melt in your mouth, Morty. They're delicious.
- 00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:50,105 Dad, I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal.
- 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,566 - We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late,
- 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,384 or, you know, however old he is.
- 00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:55,969 Is he... Is he 50?
- 00:02:56,052 --> 00:02:57,846 Jesus Christ, Beth, is... Is Jerry 50?
- 00:02:58,096 --> 00:03:00,473 Where am I?
- 00:03:00,557 --> 00:03:03,852 Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital.
- 00:03:04,102 --> 00:03:05,687 I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital.
- 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,355 To me, you're just in a hospital.
- 00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:08,749 There's another matter we need to discuss with you.
- 00:03:08,773 --> 00:03:09,774 Okay.
- 00:03:09,858 --> 00:03:11,609 An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles,
- 00:03:11,693 --> 00:03:14,362 the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader,
- 00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:16,739 was brought to this hospital's emergency room,
- 00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:19,075 where he is currently fighting for his life.
- 00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:20,201 My god.
- 00:03:20,285 --> 00:03:24,080 Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved
- 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:27,959 if we replace his heart with your human penis.
- 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,502 I see. Wait, what?
- 00:03:29,586 --> 00:03:31,379 It's perfect.
- 00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,964 The configuration of veins,
- 00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,425 the ratio of thickness to elasticity,
- 00:03:35,508 --> 00:03:37,719 the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls,
- 00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:40,597 and with relatively few adjustments,
- 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,266 your genitals can be molded into a functioning heart
- 00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:46,144 for the most important man in the universe.
- 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,062 - Yeah, but... I mean... - Oh, forget it!
- 00:03:48,146 --> 00:03:50,023 I told you this was a waste of time!
- 00:03:50,106 --> 00:03:51,608 Have respect, Yarp.
- 00:03:51,691 --> 00:03:53,610 The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped.
- 00:03:53,693 --> 00:03:55,862 He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon
- 00:03:56,112 --> 00:04:00,742 or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14.
- 00:04:00,825 --> 00:04:04,662 And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them.
- 00:04:04,746 --> 00:04:06,873 I've dwelt among the humans.
- 00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:10,919 Their entire culture is built around their penises.
- 00:04:11,169 --> 00:04:13,046 It's funny to say they are small.
- 00:04:13,129 --> 00:04:15,381 It's funny to say they are big.
- 00:04:15,465 --> 00:04:16,883 I've been at parties
- 00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:21,054 where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses
- 00:04:21,137 --> 00:04:23,765 in front of themselves and called out,
- 00:04:23,848 --> 00:04:27,644 "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick.
- 00:04:27,727 --> 00:04:30,438 I've got such-and-such for a penis."
- 00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,941 I never saw it fail to get a laugh.
- 00:04:33,191 --> 00:04:34,484 All right! That's enough!
- 00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,235 You guys are talking about my species.
- 00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:39,238 We understand genocide. We do it sometimes.
- 00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:40,907 Then you <i>would</i> give your penis
- 00:04:41,157 --> 00:04:42,551 so that Shrimply Pibbles might live?
- 00:04:42,575 --> 00:04:44,494 - Stop asking! - Yes, I will!
- 00:04:44,577 --> 00:04:46,162 That's right, assholes.
- 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:47,705 Take my penis. Take it all!
- 00:04:47,789 --> 00:04:49,040 And tell Shrimply Pibbles
- 00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,376 that when the galaxy came calling,
- 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,670 Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!
- 00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:58,800 Hey, w-what's wrong, Morty?
- 00:04:58,883 --> 00:05:00,402 Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh?
- 00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,636 Huh? Oh, no, no, no.
- 00:05:01,719 --> 00:05:03,346 I'm just... I'm just looking
- 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,348 at that lady over there getting coffee.
- 00:05:05,431 --> 00:05:06,641 What's up with her face?
- 00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:09,060 Is she human, or is she like Worf?
- 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,478 You know, Worf from "Star Trek,"
- 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:12,814 how he has all that shit all over his face,
- 00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:15,066 but he's just a human in a costume, you know?
- 00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:16,789 Morty, uh, let's see what else is on, huh?
- 00:05:16,818 --> 00:05:18,111 Okay.
- 00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:20,113 <i>And now we're back to "How Did I Get Here?"</i>
- 00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:22,907 <i>the only show that makes you ask yourself,</i>
- 00:05:22,991 --> 00:05:24,867 <i>"How did I get here?"</i>
- 00:05:26,244 --> 00:05:27,912 <i>Here's our first person.</i>
- 00:05:27,996 --> 00:05:29,998 <i>Oh. Oh, my god.</i>
- 00:05:30,248 --> 00:05:31,916 <i>How did I get here?</i>
- 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,668 <i>Hello?!</i>
- 00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:35,628 <i>How did I get here?! Somebody, help me, please!</i>
- 00:05:35,712 --> 00:05:37,672 <i>All right!</i>
- 00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:40,174 Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face
- 00:05:40,258 --> 00:05:42,844 like Worf from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee!
- 00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:44,595 How did she get there?!
- 00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:46,431 Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there?
- 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,683 <i>How</i> did <i>she get there?</i>
- 00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:51,519 Is that something we should be concerned about?
- 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:53,813 Just stay away from the coffee machine.
- 00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:56,357 <i>Calling all Jan Michael Vincents.</i>
- 00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,484 Calling all Jan Michael Vincents.
- 00:05:58,568 --> 00:05:59,861 <i>In a world</i>
- 00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:01,624 <i>where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents...</i>
- 00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:03,698 We need one Jan Michael Vincent
- 00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:04,782 to Quadrant "C."
- 00:06:04,866 --> 00:06:06,146 We need two Jan Michael Vincents
- 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,493 to Quadrant "E."
- 00:06:07,577 --> 00:06:09,412 <i>...and 16 Quadrants,</i>
- 00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,998 <i>There's only enough time for a Jan Michael Vincent</i>
- 00:06:12,248 --> 00:06:13,750 <i>to make it to a quadrant.</i>
- 00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:16,335 <i>He can't be at two quadrants at once.</i>
- 00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,713 Hey, Rick, who... Who is Jan Michael Vincent?
- 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,715 Oh, man, I'm trying to remember, Morty.
- 00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:23,718 <i>Jan Michael Vincents are used up.</i>
- 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:27,138 I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent.
- 00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:30,266 Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was...
- 00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:31,809 - In order to get this? - Nope.
- 00:06:31,893 --> 00:06:34,687 I refuse to send the legislation that allows more
- 00:06:34,771 --> 00:06:38,066 than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct.
- 00:06:38,316 --> 00:06:40,234 <i>This Jan-Uary,</i>
- 00:06:40,318 --> 00:06:43,613 <i>it's time to Michael down your Vincents.</i>
- 00:06:43,696 --> 00:06:47,366 <i>"Jan Quadrant Vincent 16."</i>
- 00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:48,534 - Whoa! - Whoa!
- 00:06:48,618 --> 00:06:49,911 That's Jan Michaels.
- 00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:51,754 Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature
- 00:06:51,788 --> 00:06:53,206 because I think I have
- 00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:55,750 Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here.
- 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,919 All right, Morty! You've done it.
- 00:06:58,002 --> 00:07:00,421 So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base
- 00:07:00,505 --> 00:07:03,341 by making incisions here, here, and here.
- 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:04,467 Got it.
- 00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:06,260 Leaving a partial length of severed urethra
- 00:07:06,344 --> 00:07:08,179 To be threaded through...
- 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:11,015 Oh, you know what, I gotta... I gotta laugh at myself here.
- 00:07:11,099 --> 00:07:12,809 I'm having a little laugh at myself
- 00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,602 because I just realized I haven't run
- 00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,229 this whole decision past my wife.
- 00:07:16,312 --> 00:07:18,439 Oh. Do you think she'll be okay with this?
- 00:07:18,523 --> 00:07:19,774 Oh, absolutely.
- 00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,776 Beth's automatically on board always
- 00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,903 with every decision I make.
- 00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,404 <i>Hey, I'm Stealy.</i>
- 00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:28,074 Follow me on my adventure through this office.
- 00:07:28,324 --> 00:07:29,325 ♪♪
- 00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:31,911 All right, here we go.
- 00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:33,788 We're gonna just steal a couple of things.
- 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,206 Excuse me. Can I help you?
- 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,333 Starting with common office objects.
- 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,918 Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff!
- 00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,545 Such as staplers and pins
- 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,547 and all sorts of things like... Such as that.
- 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,298 That's it. I'm calling security.
- 00:07:44,382 --> 00:07:46,134 No!
- 00:07:48,386 --> 00:07:49,387 ♪♪
- 00:07:50,805 --> 00:07:53,599 All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room
- 00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:55,977 where none of the people whose stuff I stole
- 00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,311 can get to us.
- 00:07:57,395 --> 00:07:59,397 Now, let's look at all the stuff we got.
- 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,983 We got a bag of bobbish.
- 00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:04,569 That's eight brapples.
- 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,320 We got a plumbus.
- 00:08:06,404 --> 00:08:08,906 That's 6 1/2 brapples.
- 00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:12,160 We got, uh, a... Crushed red party cups.
- 00:08:12,410 --> 00:08:14,370 15 1/2 brapples.
- 00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:17,999 Welcome back to "Funny Songs."
- 00:08:18,082 --> 00:08:19,876 It's all improvised. It's very funny.
- 00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:22,170 I need a volunteer from the audience.
- 00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,338 Um, longtime fan of the show. Uh...
- 00:08:24,422 --> 00:08:26,841 What do you do? What's your profession?
- 00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:28,968 I am a tax attorney.
- 00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:31,512 Okay, here we go. Hit... Hit the music.
- 00:08:31,596 --> 00:08:32,847 ♪♪
- 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,099 ♪ I'm a tax attorney ♪
- 00:08:35,183 --> 00:08:36,767 ♪ Oh, geez, oh ♪
- 00:08:36,851 --> 00:08:38,769 ♪ Forget about everybody else ♪
- 00:08:38,853 --> 00:08:40,646 ♪ Forget about Jesus Christ ♪
- 00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:42,273 ♪ Forget about Muhammad ♪
- 00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:46,027 ♪ Forget about, uh... all those religions ♪
- 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:48,863 ♪ Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Da-Ba-Bop ♪
- 00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,156 The end.
- 00:08:50,406 --> 00:08:52,033 Oh, my god. Oh, that was so, so funny.
- 00:08:52,116 --> 00:08:53,618 - Thank you. - You're welcome.
- 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,328 Hey, um, security guards, take him out.
- 00:08:55,411 --> 00:08:56,954 Get him out of here. - What?
- 00:08:57,038 --> 00:08:58,372 Get the orthodontist out of here.
- 00:08:58,456 --> 00:09:00,041 - No! Why?
- 00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:03,377 Take him out of the audience. Kill him. Sic him.
- 00:09:03,461 --> 00:09:04,712 Demons...
- 00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:06,714 <i>Suck his life out. I don'tgive a shit.</i>
- 00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:08,841 - Smith family? - Yes?
- 00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:11,886 I wanted to let you all know that Jerry is doing just fine.
- 00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:13,888 - Yay! Called it! - Whoo-hoo! That's good news!
- 00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:16,474 But, uh, Mrs. Smith, could you come with me?
- 00:09:18,142 --> 00:09:20,436 Hi, honey, so, here's the thing...
- 00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,146 These guys... They want to completely
- 00:09:22,230 --> 00:09:24,899 remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart.
- 00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:27,068 And we just need you to sign off on it.
- 00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:28,653 - What?! - Uh-Oh.
- 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,864 Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes.
- 00:09:31,948 --> 00:09:34,700 His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic.
- 00:09:34,784 --> 00:09:37,119 Now, there's a wide range of options to choose from.
- 00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:38,829 They're all in this catalogue.
- 00:09:38,913 --> 00:09:41,082 I don't care about prosthetics. This is insane.
- 00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:43,000 What do you people think you're doing?
- 00:09:43,084 --> 00:09:45,002 I understand your feelings, Mrs. Smith.
- 00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:46,337 Oh, I don't think you do.
- 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,339 I bring my husband in for emergency treatment.
- 00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,007 He's gone an hour.
- 00:09:50,091 --> 00:09:52,635 And now you want his penis, and you hand me some... catalog.
- 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,679 It's... It's... It's... It's... I mean...
- 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,681 Sheesh. Well, there you go. Sorry.
- 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,933 I know it's hard to understand,
- 00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:01,811 but on Earth, love comes first.
- 00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:03,938 There are those that believe, Mr. Smith,
- 00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:06,774 that Shrimply Pibbles represents love between all life.
- 00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,818 His fate will determine
- 00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,654 the fate of hundreds of billions of sentient life-forms.
- 00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:15,032 Whoa! Whoa. So, billions of life-forms?
- 00:10:15,116 --> 00:10:16,826 Hundreds of billions.
- 00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:19,787 I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain
- 00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,540 the full gravity of the situation.
- 00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,375 Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision
- 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,210 should be based on politics.
- 00:10:26,294 --> 00:10:28,212 Who could argue with a wife's decision
- 00:10:28,296 --> 00:10:30,214 to keep her lover intact?
- 00:10:30,298 --> 00:10:32,883 Well, I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all.
- 00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:35,886 In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones.
- 00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:37,972 Beth, can we talk about this privately?
- 00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:39,974 You know, I think the bottom line is, Jerry,
- 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:43,144 if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud,
- 00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,146 "I prefer to keep my penis."
- 00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:47,982 But, Beth, what kind of man would say something like that
- 00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:50,318 if the universe needed his penis?!
- 00:10:50,568 --> 00:10:52,320 Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be
- 00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:55,489 if I did anything to stand in your way?
- 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,163 <i>Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small?</i>
- 00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:03,873 <i>Then why don't you come to Lil'Bits...</i>
- 00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:05,249 <i>Lil' Bits!</i>
- 00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,001 ...where the food is tiny.
- 00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:08,804 It looks like regular food, but really tiny.
- 00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,396 You can put it in your mouth and eat it.
- 00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:11,857 Nothing gets stuck in your lips.
- 00:11:11,881 --> 00:11:13,716 It's just tiny and tiny and fits right...
- 00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:15,718 - Fits right in. <i>- Lil' Bits!</i>
- 00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:19,722 We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie.
- 00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:23,017 Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs.
- 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,561 Oh, shit. We got tiny people.
- 00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:26,687 <i>Lil' Bits!</i>
- 00:11:26,771 --> 00:11:28,147 You hungry? Come on down.
- 00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:29,732 <i>Lil' Bits.</i>
- 00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:32,360 Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.
- 00:11:32,610 --> 00:11:34,070 Just kidding.
- 00:11:34,153 --> 00:11:36,197 You've got some time to kill before the procedure,
- 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,699 so I assume you'd like to, uh,
- 00:11:38,783 --> 00:11:40,242 use your penis one last time.
- 00:11:40,326 --> 00:11:41,702 Here's my computer.
- 00:11:41,786 --> 00:11:43,579 It's got the alien internet on it.
- 00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:46,582 Here's some porn.
- 00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:47,833 And there's an alien towel.
- 00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:49,460 I actually got that on another planet.
- 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,045 So it is an alien towel to me.
- 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,963 - Good luck. - Thanks.
- 00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:04,225 What is this?
- 00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:05,226 Hmm.
- 00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:07,395 Hey, wait a minute.
- 00:12:07,645 --> 00:12:08,562 Oh, uh, Mr. Smith?
- 00:12:08,646 --> 00:12:10,189 Uh, yeah, just masturbating!
- 00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,982 I forgot to mention,
- 00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:14,402 there are extensive medical records open on my desktop,
- 00:12:14,652 --> 00:12:16,946 and I trust you to confine your activities...
- 00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:19,240 - to the purely pornographic. - Absolutely!
- 00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:20,783 Good luck.
- 00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:24,870 My god!
- 00:12:24,954 --> 00:12:27,790 Mr. Pibbles, you just wrote my penis
- 00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:31,168 a one-way ticket to staying on my body town.
- 00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:34,964 <i>It's the opposite news with Michael Thompson.</i>
- 00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:37,091 <i>Hey, everybody. It's me, Michael Thompson.</i>
- 00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,969 <i>Today the Pope didn't get killed.</i>
- 00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:43,139 <i>He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba.</i>
- 00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:45,141 <i>In other opposite news, information...</i>
- 00:12:45,224 --> 00:12:46,976 Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy?
- 00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:48,978 W-Why is his body, like, sloping off
- 00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:50,980 to the right side of the screen like that?
- 00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,863 I don't know, Morty. See what else is on, huh?
- 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,817 <i>Hey, welcome to "Cooking Things."</i>
- 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,193 <i>I'm Pichael Thompson.</i>
- 00:12:56,277 --> 00:12:57,653 Hey, wait a minute, Rick.
- 00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,131 This guy's body is, like, sloping down
- 00:12:59,155 --> 00:13:00,656 and leaning off to screen left.
- 00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,199 Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.
- 00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:03,868 <i>I'm cooking a little bit of this.</i>
- 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,661 <i>I'm gonna cook a little bit of that.</i>
- 00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:08,122 <i>Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!</i>
- 00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:09,540 Oh, my god! Siamese twins!
- 00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,250 They're... They're Siamese twins!
- 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:13,461 <i>You quit tugging. I-I'm in the middle of my news.</i>
- 00:13:13,711 --> 00:13:15,379 <i>Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it?</i>
- 00:13:15,463 --> 00:13:17,548 <i>Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen?</i>
- 00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,009 <i>He's got his own news show. He's got a normal name.</i>
- 00:13:20,092 --> 00:13:22,028 - Hey, flip back to the news. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- 00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:24,030 <i>You could tell our parents started with naming with him.</i>
- 00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:26,849 <i>It's like, "oh, Michael." They had that one planned...</i>
- 00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,559 <i>before they even got pregnant, I bet.</i>
- 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,102 I don't want to be that girl,
- 00:13:30,186 --> 00:13:31,663 but maybe there would be less conflict
- 00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,206 if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
- 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,350 Oh, Summer, you have no idea
- 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,998 how much money that must save production.
- 00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,818 <i>And then they found out I was attached,</i>
- 00:13:37,902 --> 00:13:39,629 <i>along for the ride, and they said, "ah, shit.</i>
- 00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,447 <i>Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael."</i>
- 00:13:41,697 --> 00:13:43,866 <i>Fuck you, Pichael. You're a fucking piece of shit.</i>
- 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,284 ♪♪
- 00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:47,995 Good afternoon.
- 00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,705 I know all of you are wondering
- 00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:52,333 about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles.
- 00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:55,920 Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?
- 00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,422 I prefer my own penis, and so should you!
- 00:13:58,506 --> 00:14:00,883 The brave Earth man whose sacrifice
- 00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:03,719 is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live...
- 00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:04,845 Mr. Jerry Smith.
- 00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:07,848 Hello, everyone!
- 00:14:07,932 --> 00:14:10,184 Let's hear it again for Shrimply Pibbles, huh?
- 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,936 He's a good guy, isn't he?
- 00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:15,064 I've only just been learning about his accomplishments,
- 00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:17,274 from his march on Flirk Blirk Square
- 00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:20,069 to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency.
- 00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:21,070 He's the best.
- 00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:26,367 Um, yeah.
- 00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:29,245 Well, I-it occurs to me that his heroin addiction
- 00:14:29,328 --> 00:14:31,914 may not have been a matter of public record.
- 00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,251 You realize heroin makes up 10% of the atmosphere
- 00:14:35,334 --> 00:14:37,878 on Shrimply Pibbles' home planet.
- 00:14:37,962 --> 00:14:40,214 His planet was destroyed by Clorgon death squads.
- 00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,925 He can't live outside of it without breathing heroin.
- 00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:45,386 Right. I know that. I just think...
- 00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:49,181 This guy's trying to get out of giving away his penis!
- 00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:55,666 <i>Today on "How They Do It"...</i>
- 00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,189 <i>Plumbuses.</i>
- 00:14:57,273 --> 00:14:59,483 Everyone has a plumbus in their home.
- 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,320 First, they take the dinglebop,
- 00:15:03,404 --> 00:15:07,116 and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem.
- 00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:11,954 The schleem is then repurposed for later batches.
- 00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,163 They take the dinglebop,
- 00:15:13,247 --> 00:15:15,165 and they push it through the grumbo,
- 00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:17,251 where the fleeb is rubbed against it.
- 00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:19,336 It's important that the fleeb is rubbed
- 00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:22,506 because the fleeb has all of the fleeb juice.
- 00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:24,967 Then a schlami shows up,
- 00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,678 and he rubs it and spits on it.
- 00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,221 They cut the fleeb.
- 00:15:29,305 --> 00:15:31,932 There's several hizards in the way.
- 00:15:32,016 --> 00:15:35,019 The blamfs rub against the chumbles.
- 00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:38,522 And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away.
- 00:15:38,606 --> 00:15:42,276 That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.
- 00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:45,362 I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.
- 00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:49,116 <i>Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space."</i>
- 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,993 <i>I'm your host Phillip Jacobs,</i>
- 00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:54,330 <i>and let me tell you, I care about my personal space.</i>
- 00:15:54,413 --> 00:15:57,291 <i>Whoa, whoa. Hey. Who's around me right now?</i>
- 00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:59,251 <i>Who's around me?</i>
- 00:15:59,335 --> 00:16:02,463 <i>Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up</i>
- 00:16:02,546 --> 00:16:05,591 <i>and let's get some stepped-up personal space</i>
- 00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:07,009 <i>up in this place.</i>
- 00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,135 <i>Here we go.</i>
- 00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:10,387 <i>We get a one, personal space.</i>
- 00:16:10,471 --> 00:16:12,181 <i>Two, personal space.</i>
- 00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:14,308 <i>Three, stay out of my personal space.</i>
- 00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:17,061 <i>Four, keep away from my personal space.</i>
- 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,897 <i>Five... get out of that personal space.</i>
- 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,315 <i>Six...</i>
- 00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,983 <i>Stay away from my personal space.</i>
- 00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:24,401 <i>Seven...</i>
- 00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:25,845 <i>keep away from that personal space.</i>
- 00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:28,447 <i>Eight, personal space.</i>
- 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:31,116 <i>Nine, personal space.</i>
- 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,203 <i>You know, I take personal space pretty seriously,</i>
- 00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:37,206 <i>up to the point that I don't even care about this...</i>
- 00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:39,208 <i>I'm not even interested in having this skin</i>
- 00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:41,585 <i>on my personal space.</i>
- 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:43,754 Oh, my god!
- 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,424 <i>Oh, it hurts!</i>
- 00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:48,634 Gross!
- 00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:50,219 What an asshole!
- 00:16:50,302 --> 00:16:51,512 <i>Ohh, tune in next week...</i>
- 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,264 <i>...to the best show ever,</i>
- 00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,058 <i>the show we all grew and love...</i>
- 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,185 <i>"The Personal Space Show."</i>
- 00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:00,246 <i>More "Personal Space" next Tuesday at 8:00.</i>
- 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,772 <i>Up next, the heat is turning up</i>
- 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:04,358 <i>with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders."</i>
- 00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:25,796 If you could all just stop screaming and chanting
- 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,382 and making whatever that gesture means...
- 00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,175 Excuse me. Come on.
- 00:17:30,259 --> 00:17:32,678 Please, everyone, I have news about Shrimply Pibbles.
- 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,013 Word of Jerry Smith
- 00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,015 trying to weasel out of his penis donation
- 00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,226 has spread across the galaxy.
- 00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,687 Beings everywhere have come together
- 00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:45,107 to offer what little they have to help save Shrimply's life.
- 00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:49,153 Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart
- 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,698 that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis.
- 00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:55,242 Wait! That was an option the whole time?!
- 00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,744 You guys suck!
- 00:17:56,994 --> 00:17:59,705 Yeah<i>. We</i> suck. Are you still here?
- 00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,457 Okay, Jerry. Let's head home.
- 00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:03,500 I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.
- 00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,669 Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure
- 00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:08,380 that can fix that.
- 00:18:08,464 --> 00:18:10,841 Or is there?
- 00:18:12,301 --> 00:18:13,761 - Scalpel. - Scalpel.
- 00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:15,596 - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor.
- 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,265 - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel.
- 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,725 Okay. We're ready.
- 00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:21,310 Not so fast!
- 00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:23,353 Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?!
- 00:18:23,437 --> 00:18:24,646 I'm a good person,
- 00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,524 and I demand that you cut off my penis
- 00:18:27,608 --> 00:18:30,027 and put it in that man's chest.
- 00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,236 That's not how it works!
- 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,071 Well, you're gonna make it work.
- 00:18:37,785 --> 00:18:41,371 I'm Octopus Man!
- 00:18:41,455 --> 00:18:44,750 I'm Octopus Man!
- 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:49,505 I'm a marine biologist who was bitten by an octopus.
- 00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:54,301 And now I'm... I help people.
- 00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:56,303 I save people.
- 00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:59,139 I'm a troublesome octopus person.
- 00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:01,475 Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble
- 00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:05,020 'cause here comes a trouble mite.
- 00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,772 Gross!
- 00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:10,192 Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?
- 00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,045 Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't
- 00:19:12,069 --> 00:19:14,696 concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know?
- 00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:16,591 Maybe the species that communicate with each other
- 00:19:16,615 --> 00:19:18,325 through the filter of your comfort
- 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,386 are less evolved than the ones that just communicate!
- 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,210 Maybe your problems are your own to deal with,
- 00:19:22,246 --> 00:19:24,057 and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings
- 00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:25,391 is a one-way ticket to extinction!
- 00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:26,792 Geez, Morty.
- 00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:29,270 I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet.
- 00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:30,796 I don't want to talk about it.
- 00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,559 - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's Dad?
- 00:19:32,631 --> 00:19:34,633 <i>Breaking news... Shrimply Pibbles is being</i>
- 00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:37,135 <i>held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith.</i>
- 00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:38,929 <i>Remove my penis!</i>
- 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,931 - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine.
- 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:42,933 It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right?
- 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,686 - Are you sure? - I don't know.
- 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:48,313 Do it! Do it! Remove my penis!
- 00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:49,940 Sir, put the gun down
- 00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:51,692 and step away from Mr. Pibbles!
- 00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:53,527 - Jerry! - Dad, what are you doing?!
- 00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:55,696 I'm a good person. I'm a good person.
- 00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,698 Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun?
- 00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:00,200 That's not a gun. That's the XP-20 XS.
- 00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:02,494 Ah!
- 00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:07,958 Oh, my god.
- 00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,793 I'm a good person.
- 00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:17,759 No!
- 00:20:17,843 --> 00:20:20,971 Nooooo!
- 00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,478 <i>Hey, how's itgoing?</i>
- 00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:30,397 <i>This is my butthole ice cream parlor.</i>
- 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,900 <i>I got all kinds of ice cream... Peanut butter andjelly...</i>
- 00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:34,443 <i>- ...vanilla...</i>
- 00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:35,777 <i>- ...chocolate...</i>
- 00:20:35,861 --> 00:20:37,529 <i>- ...and every flavor</i>
- 00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:38,864 <i>served out of a butthole...</i>
- 00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,741 <i>Just like you're back home.</i>
- 00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:41,825 - Dad! - Dad!
- 00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,994 What happened? Where am I?
- 00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,579 Was it all a dream?
- 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,456 No, you were shot like 50 times.
- 00:20:47,539 --> 00:20:50,000 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated
- 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,585 alien hospital,
- 00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,712 so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.
- 00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,881 All... All I wanted was for everyone to like me.
- 00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,692 Jerry, remember that time you left a comment
- 00:20:57,716 --> 00:20:59,636 underneath that YouTube video and someone replied
- 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,696 and called you a dumb-ass, so you replied and told them,
- 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,781 "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night
- 00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:05,432 hitting "refresh" on your browser
- 00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:07,201 waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?
- 00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:09,019 I remember it differently.
- 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,563 This is like that. You can't make people like you.
- 00:21:11,647 --> 00:21:13,857 You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.
- 00:21:13,941 --> 00:21:15,067 You know, you're right.
- 00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:16,568 I shouldn't be motivated
- 00:21:16,652 --> 00:21:18,445 by other people's opinions of me.
- 00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:19,768 All right, guys, let's go home.
- 00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:21,141 If it's all the same to you, Rick,
- 00:21:21,198 --> 00:21:22,658 I'd like to go to the zoo...
- 00:21:22,741 --> 00:21:24,326 - With my family. - What?!
- 00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,220 - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?!
- 00:21:26,244 --> 00:21:27,555 - It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!?
- 00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:29,164 Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!
- 00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,558 Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home.
- 00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:31,768 What the hell is he talking about?!
- 00:21:31,792 --> 00:21:34,670 ♪♪
- 00:22:10,789 --> 00:22:12,666 - Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man!
- 00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,501 What is going on? Aah!
- 00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,962 <i>Give me my Eyeholes! I'm Eyehole Man!</i>
- 00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:18,645 That part of the cupboard is mine, Jerry!
- 00:22:18,714 --> 00:22:20,215 Why do you even have those?!
- 00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:21,609 <i>- Give me my Eyeholes! - Help me, please!</i>
- 00:22:21,633 --> 00:22:23,152 <i>Get up on out of here with my Eyeholes!</i>
- 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,096 Did you get any of that?
- 00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,181 It's-a good-a show!
- 00:00:02,671 --> 00:00:04,339 [Door beeps]
- 00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:06,341 Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.
- 00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,593 You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine.
- 00:00:08,677 --> 00:00:10,261 - Whoa! - Ooh, watch out for that stuff.
- 00:00:10,345 --> 00:00:11,930 It'll stain if it gets on your clothes,
- 00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,598 and it'll send you into a murderous rage
- 00:00:13,682 --> 00:00:15,266 if it gets in your eyes or mouth.
- 00:00:15,350 --> 00:00:16,935 Why would you keep mutant bacteria
- 00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,603 in a pint of Cherry Garcia?
- 00:00:18,687 --> 00:00:20,164 I know this isn't the time, but, you know,
- 00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:21,582 technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.
- 00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:22,917 - Not anymore. - You're overreacting!
- 00:00:22,941 --> 00:00:24,293 We're losing him. - All right, fine.
- 00:00:24,317 --> 00:00:25,586 But you're not touching my crisper.
- 00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,195 - Is he going to die? - Don't worry.
- 00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:29,280 Dr. Glip Glop is the best in the galaxy.
- 00:00:29,364 --> 00:00:31,199 Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop.
- 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,993 Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
- 00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,370 - [Roars] - Aah!
- 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,914 [Sizzling] - What?
- 00:00:37,997 --> 00:00:40,351 Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy.
- 00:00:40,375 --> 00:00:42,085 It's like those pizza places
- 00:00:42,168 --> 00:00:43,896 that claim to have the best pizza in the world.
- 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,606 What do you think, they have pizza contests?
- 00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:47,110 Have you ever been to a pizza contest?
- 00:00:47,173 --> 00:00:48,842 - Go in the waiting room, Dad. - Fine!
- 00:00:48,925 --> 00:00:50,969 Excuse me.
- 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,554 Coming through. What are you here for?
- 00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:53,656 Just kidding. I don't care.
- 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:54,681 ♪♪
- 00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,308 Well, this won't do.
- 00:00:57,392 --> 00:00:59,686 - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel.
- 00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,188 - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.
- 00:01:02,272 --> 00:01:04,399 We pretty much nailed it the first time.
- 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,693 ♪ Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor ♪
- 00:01:06,943 --> 00:01:08,862 ♪ Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore ♪
- 00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:11,489 ♪ Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor ♪
- 00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:13,213 ♪ Shake that shit 'til you can't no more ♪
- 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,492 ♪ Biatch! ♪
- 00:01:14,576 --> 00:01:16,411 [Electricity crackling]
- 00:01:18,747 --> 00:01:20,665 [Channels clicking]
- 00:01:20,749 --> 00:01:22,834 <i>Ooh! Ooh!</i>
- 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,502 <i>Ow!</i>
- 00:01:24,586 --> 00:01:27,672 <i>"Man vs. Car," the newest hit show,</i>
- 00:01:27,756 --> 00:01:31,050 - Where it pits a man... - Yeah!
- 00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,594 - ...versus a car. [horn honks]
- 00:01:32,677 --> 00:01:34,429 On tonight's episode,
- 00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,514 Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car.
- 00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,433 Here we go.
- 00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:40,268 Oh, he's pushing his way through.
- 00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,603 He's trying to fight that car,
- 00:01:41,686 --> 00:01:43,354 but the car seems to have the upper hand.
- 00:01:43,438 --> 00:01:45,982 Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there.
- 00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:48,318 Oh, no. He just got ran over...
- 00:01:48,401 --> 00:01:50,445 and chewed up by the tires.
- 00:01:50,528 --> 00:01:53,448 I guess that's another one for the cars.
- 00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:54,866 [laughs]
- 00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,327 I mean, wouldn't the cars always win?
- 00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:58,787 ♪♪
- 00:01:59,037 --> 00:02:02,373 Samantha, I need to know that you understand
- 00:02:02,457 --> 00:02:05,627 that I have a couple of eyeholes.
- 00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,629 I do. I do understand about your eyeholes.
- 00:02:07,712 --> 00:02:10,298 Here, look at my eyeholes.
- 00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:14,302 Oh, my god. You have eight eye ho... holes.
- 00:02:14,385 --> 00:02:15,720 [Chuckles]
- 00:02:15,804 --> 00:02:17,722 Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes.
- 00:02:17,806 --> 00:02:19,724 Yes, look through my eyeholes.
- 00:02:19,808 --> 00:02:21,976 [Moaning]
- 00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:28,024 <i>I'm the Eyehole... Man.</i>
- 00:02:28,107 --> 00:02:32,445 <i>I'm the only one that's allowed to have Eyeholes.</i>
- 00:02:32,529 --> 00:02:35,907 <i>Get up on out of here with my Eyeholes.</i>
- 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,909 <i>ANNOUNCER: Eyeholes. Get them today.</i>
- 00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:39,619 RICK: You gotta be careful, Morty.
- 00:02:39,702 --> 00:02:41,514 If that guy catches you with a box of his Eyeholes,
- 00:02:41,538 --> 00:02:43,122 he comes bursting in through a window
- 00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,926 and just starts kicking the shit out of you.
- 00:02:45,041 --> 00:02:46,459 But it's worth the risk.
- 00:02:46,543 --> 00:02:48,187 They melt in your mouth, Morty. They're delicious.
- 00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:50,105 Dad, I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal.
- 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,566 - We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late,
- 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,384 or, you know, however old he is.
- 00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:55,969 Is he... Is he 50?
- 00:02:56,052 --> 00:02:57,846 Jesus Christ, Beth, is... Is Jerry 50?
- 00:02:58,096 --> 00:03:00,473 Where am I?
- 00:03:00,557 --> 00:03:03,852 Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital.
- 00:03:04,102 --> 00:03:05,687 I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital.
- 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,355 To me, you're just in a hospital.
- 00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:08,749 There's another matter we need to discuss with you.
- 00:03:08,773 --> 00:03:09,774 Okay.
- 00:03:09,858 --> 00:03:11,609 An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles,
- 00:03:11,693 --> 00:03:14,362 the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader,
- 00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:16,739 was brought to this hospital's emergency room,
- 00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:19,075 where he is currently fighting for his life.
- 00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:20,201 My god.
- 00:03:20,285 --> 00:03:24,080 Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved
- 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:27,959 if we replace his heart with your human penis.
- 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,502 I see. Wait, what?
- 00:03:29,586 --> 00:03:31,379 It's perfect.
- 00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,964 The configuration of veins,
- 00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,425 the ratio of thickness to elasticity,
- 00:03:35,508 --> 00:03:37,719 the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls,
- 00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:40,597 and with relatively few adjustments,
- 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,266 your genitals can be molded into a functioning heart
- 00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:46,144 for the most important man in the universe.
- 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,062 - Yeah, but... I mean... - Oh, forget it!
- 00:03:48,146 --> 00:03:50,023 I told you this was a waste of time!
- 00:03:50,106 --> 00:03:51,608 Have respect, Yarp.
- 00:03:51,691 --> 00:03:53,610 The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped.
- 00:03:53,693 --> 00:03:55,862 He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon
- 00:03:56,112 --> 00:04:00,742 or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14.
- 00:04:00,825 --> 00:04:04,662 ALIEN: And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them.
- 00:04:04,746 --> 00:04:06,873 I've dwelt among the humans.
- 00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:10,919 Their entire culture is built around their penises.
- 00:04:11,169 --> 00:04:13,046 It's funny to say they are small.
- 00:04:13,129 --> 00:04:15,381 It's funny to say they are big.
- 00:04:15,465 --> 00:04:16,883 I've been at parties
- 00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:21,054 where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses
- 00:04:21,137 --> 00:04:23,765 in front of themselves and called out,
- 00:04:23,848 --> 00:04:27,644 "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick.
- 00:04:27,727 --> 00:04:30,438 I've got such-and-such for a penis."
- 00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,941 I never saw it fail to get a laugh.
- 00:04:33,191 --> 00:04:34,484 All right! That's enough!
- 00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,235 You guys are talking about my species.
- 00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:39,238 We understand genocide. We do it sometimes.
- 00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:40,907 Then you <i>would</i> give your penis
- 00:04:41,157 --> 00:04:42,551 so that Shrimply Pibbles might live?
- 00:04:42,575 --> 00:04:44,494 - Stop asking! - Yes, I will!
- 00:04:44,577 --> 00:04:46,162 That's right, assholes.
- 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:47,705 Take my penis. Take it all!
- 00:04:47,789 --> 00:04:49,040 And tell Shrimply Pibbles
- 00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,376 that when the galaxy came calling,
- 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,670 Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!
- 00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:57,090 [laughs]
- 00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:58,800 Hey, w-what's wrong, Morty?
- 00:04:58,883 --> 00:05:00,402 Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh?
- 00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,636 Huh? Oh, no, no, no.
- 00:05:01,719 --> 00:05:03,346 I'm just... I'm just looking
- 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,348 at that lady over there getting coffee.
- 00:05:05,431 --> 00:05:06,641 What's up with her face?
- 00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:09,060 Is she human, or is she like Worf?
- 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,478 You know, Worf from "Star Trek,"
- 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:12,814 how he has all that shit all over his face,
- 00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:15,066 but he's just a human in a costume, you know?
- 00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:16,789 Morty, uh, let's see what else is on, huh?
- 00:05:16,818 --> 00:05:18,111 Okay.
- 00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:20,113 <i>And now we're back to "How Did I Get Here?"</i>
- 00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:22,907 <i>the only show that makes you ask yourself,</i>
- 00:05:22,991 --> 00:05:24,867 <i>"How did I get here?"</i>
- 00:05:24,951 --> 00:05:25,994 <i>[chuckles]</i>
- 00:05:26,244 --> 00:05:27,912 <i>Here's our first person.</i>
- 00:05:27,996 --> 00:05:29,998 <i>Oh. Oh, my god.</i>
- 00:05:30,248 --> 00:05:31,916 <i>How did I get here?</i>
- 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,668 <i>Hello?!</i>
- 00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:35,628 <i>How did I get here?! Somebody, help me, please!</i>
- 00:05:35,712 --> 00:05:37,672 <i>HOST: [laughs] All right!</i>
- 00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:40,174 Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face
- 00:05:40,258 --> 00:05:42,844 like Worf from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee!
- 00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:44,595 How did she get there?!
- 00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:46,431 Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there?
- 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,683 <i>How</i> did <i>she get there? [laughs]</i>
- 00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:51,519 Is that something we should be concerned about?
- 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:53,813 Just stay away from the coffee machine.
- 00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:56,357 <i>MAN: Calling all Jan Michael Vincents.</i>
- 00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,484 Calling all Jan Michael Vincents.
- 00:05:58,568 --> 00:05:59,861 ANNOUNCER: <i>In a world</i>
- 00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:01,624 <i>where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents...</i>
- 00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:03,698 MAN: We need one Jan Michael Vincent
- 00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:04,782 to Quadrant "C."
- 00:06:04,866 --> 00:06:06,146 We need two Jan Michael Vincents
- 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,493 to Quadrant "E."
- 00:06:07,577 --> 00:06:09,412 <i>...and 16 Quadrants,</i>
- 00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,998 <i>There's only enough time for a Jan Michael Vincent</i>
- 00:06:12,248 --> 00:06:13,750 <i>to make it to a quadrant.</i>
- 00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:16,335 <i>He can't be at two quadrants at once.</i>
- 00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,713 Hey, Rick, who... Who is Jan Michael Vincent?
- 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,715 Oh, man, I'm trying to remember, Morty.
- 00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:23,718 <i>Jan Michael Vincents are used up.</i>
- 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:27,138 I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent.
- 00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:30,266 Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was...
- 00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:31,809 - In order to get this? - Nope.
- 00:06:31,893 --> 00:06:34,687 I refuse to send the legislation that allows more
- 00:06:34,771 --> 00:06:38,066 than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct.
- 00:06:38,316 --> 00:06:40,234 <i>This Jan-Uary,</i>
- 00:06:40,318 --> 00:06:43,613 <i>it's time to Michael down your Vincents.</i>
- 00:06:43,696 --> 00:06:47,366 <i>"Jan Quadrant Vincent 16."</i>
- 00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:48,534 - Whoa! - Whoa!
- 00:06:48,618 --> 00:06:49,911 That's Jan Michaels.
- 00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:51,754 Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature
- 00:06:51,788 --> 00:06:53,206 because I think I have
- 00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:55,750 Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here.
- 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,919 All right, Morty! You've done it.
- 00:06:58,002 --> 00:07:00,421 So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base
- 00:07:00,505 --> 00:07:03,341 by making incisions here, here, and here.
- 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:04,467 Got it.
- 00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:06,260 Leaving a partial length of severed urethra
- 00:07:06,344 --> 00:07:08,179 - To be threaded through... - [laughs]
- 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:11,015 Oh, you know what, I gotta... I gotta laugh at myself here.
- 00:07:11,099 --> 00:07:12,809 I'm having a little laugh at myself
- 00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,602 because I just realized I haven't run
- 00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,229 this whole decision past my wife.
- 00:07:16,312 --> 00:07:18,439 Oh. Do you think she'll be okay with this?
- 00:07:18,523 --> 00:07:19,774 Oh, absolutely.
- 00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,776 Beth's automatically on board always
- 00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,903 with every decision I make.
- 00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,404 <i>Hey, I'm Stealy.</i>
- 00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:28,074 Follow me on my adventure through this office.
- 00:07:28,324 --> 00:07:29,325 ♪♪
- 00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:31,911 All right, here we go.
- 00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:33,788 We're gonna just steal a couple of things.
- 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,206 Excuse me. Can I help you?
- 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,333 Starting with common office objects.
- 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,918 Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff!
- 00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,545 Such as staplers and pins
- 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,547 and all sorts of things like... Such as that.
- 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,298 That's it. I'm calling security.
- 00:07:44,382 --> 00:07:46,134 No! [muffled grunting]
- 00:07:48,386 --> 00:07:49,387 ♪♪
- 00:07:50,805 --> 00:07:53,599 All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room
- 00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:55,977 where none of the people whose stuff I stole
- 00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,311 can get to us.
- 00:07:57,395 --> 00:07:59,397 Now, let's look at all the stuff we got.
- 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,983 We got a bag of bobbish.
- 00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:04,569 That's eight brapples.
- 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,320 We got a plumbus.
- 00:08:06,404 --> 00:08:08,906 That's 6 1/2 brapples.
- 00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:12,160 We got, uh, a... Crushed red party cups.
- 00:08:12,410 --> 00:08:14,370 15 1/2 brapples.
- 00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:15,913 [Ding! ding! ding! ding!]
- 00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:17,999 Welcome back to "Funny Songs."
- 00:08:18,082 --> 00:08:19,876 It's all improvised. It's very funny.
- 00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:22,170 I need a volunteer from the audience.
- 00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,338 Um, longtime fan of the show. Uh...
- 00:08:24,422 --> 00:08:26,841 What do you do? What's your profession?
- 00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:28,968 I am a tax attorney.
- 00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:31,512 Okay, here we go. Hit... Hit the music.
- 00:08:31,596 --> 00:08:32,847 ♪♪
- 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,099 ♪ I'm a tax attorney ♪
- 00:08:35,183 --> 00:08:36,767 ♪ Oh, geez, oh ♪
- 00:08:36,851 --> 00:08:38,769 ♪ Forget about everybody else ♪
- 00:08:38,853 --> 00:08:40,646 ♪ Forget about Jesus Christ ♪
- 00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:42,273 ♪ Forget about Muhammad ♪
- 00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:46,027 ♪ Forget about, uh... all those religions ♪
- 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:48,863 ♪ Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Da-Ba-Bop ♪
- 00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,156 The end.
- 00:08:50,406 --> 00:08:52,033 Oh, my god. Oh, that was so, so funny.
- 00:08:52,116 --> 00:08:53,618 - Thank you. - You're welcome.
- 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,328 Hey, um, security guards, take him out.
- 00:08:55,411 --> 00:08:56,954 Get him out of here. - What?
- 00:08:57,038 --> 00:08:58,372 Get the orthodontist out of here.
- 00:08:58,456 --> 00:09:00,041 - No! Why? [glass shatters]
- 00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:03,377 Take him out of the audience. Kill him. Sic him.
- 00:09:03,461 --> 00:09:04,712 Demons...
- 00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:06,714 <i>Suck his life out. I don'tgive a shit.</i>
- 00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:08,841 - Smith family? - Yes?
- 00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:11,886 I wanted to let you all know that Jerry is doing just fine.
- 00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:13,888 - Yay! Called it! - Whoo-hoo! That's good news!
- 00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:16,474 But, uh, Mrs. Smith, could you come with me?
- 00:09:18,142 --> 00:09:20,436 Hi, honey, so, here's the thing...
- 00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,146 These guys... They want to completely
- 00:09:22,230 --> 00:09:24,899 remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart.
- 00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:27,068 And we just need you to sign off on it.
- 00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:28,653 - What?! - Uh-Oh.
- 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,864 Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes.
- 00:09:31,948 --> 00:09:34,700 His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic.
- 00:09:34,784 --> 00:09:37,119 Now, there's a wide range of options to choose from.
- 00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:38,829 They're all in this catalogue.
- 00:09:38,913 --> 00:09:41,082 I don't care about prosthetics. This is insane.
- 00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:43,000 What do you people think you're doing?
- 00:09:43,084 --> 00:09:45,002 I understand your feelings, Mrs. Smith.
- 00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:46,337 Oh, I don't think you do.
- 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,339 I bring my husband in for emergency treatment.
- 00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,007 He's gone an hour.
- 00:09:50,091 --> 00:09:52,635 And now you want his penis, and you hand me some... catalog.
- 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,679 It's... It's... It's... It's... I mean...
- 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,681 Sheesh. Well, there you go. Sorry.
- 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,933 I know it's hard to understand,
- 00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:01,811 but on Earth, love comes first.
- 00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:03,938 There are those that believe, Mr. Smith,
- 00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:06,774 that Shrimply Pibbles represents love between all life.
- 00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,818 His fate will determine
- 00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,654 the fate of hundreds of billions of sentient life-forms.
- 00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:15,032 Whoa! Whoa. So, billions of life-forms?
- 00:10:15,116 --> 00:10:16,826 Hundreds of billions.
- 00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:19,787 I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain
- 00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,540 the full gravity of the situation.
- 00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,375 Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision
- 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,210 should be based on politics.
- 00:10:26,294 --> 00:10:28,212 Who could argue with a wife's decision
- 00:10:28,296 --> 00:10:30,214 to keep her lover intact?
- 00:10:30,298 --> 00:10:32,883 Well, I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all.
- 00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:35,886 In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones.
- 00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:37,972 Beth, can we talk about this privately?
- 00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:39,974 You know, I think the bottom line is, Jerry,
- 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:43,144 if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud,
- 00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,146 "I prefer to keep my penis."
- 00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:47,982 But, Beth, what kind of man would say something like that
- 00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:50,318 if the universe needed his penis?!
- 00:10:50,568 --> 00:10:52,320 Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be
- 00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:55,489 if I did anything to stand in your way?
- 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,163 <i>Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small?</i>
- 00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:03,873 <i>Then why don't you come to Lil'Bits...</i>
- 00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:05,249 <i>MAN: Lil' Bits!</i>
- 00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,001 ...where the food is tiny.
- 00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:08,804 It looks like regular food, but really tiny.
- 00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,396 You can put it in your mouth and eat it.
- 00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:11,857 Nothing gets stuck in your lips.
- 00:11:11,881 --> 00:11:13,716 It's just tiny and tiny and fits right...
- 00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:15,718 - Fits right in. <i>- Lil' Bits!</i>
- 00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:19,722 We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie.
- 00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:23,017 Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs.
- 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,561 Oh, shit. We got tiny people.
- 00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:26,687 <i>Lil' Bits!</i>
- 00:11:26,771 --> 00:11:28,147 You hungry? Come on down.
- 00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:29,732 <i>Lil' Bits.</i>
- 00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:32,360 Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.
- 00:11:32,610 --> 00:11:34,070 [Chuckles] Just kidding.
- 00:11:34,153 --> 00:11:36,197 You've got some time to kill before the procedure,
- 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,699 so I assume you'd like to, uh,
- 00:11:38,783 --> 00:11:40,242 use your penis one last time.
- 00:11:40,326 --> 00:11:41,702 Here's my computer.
- 00:11:41,786 --> 00:11:43,579 It's got the alien internet on it.
- 00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:46,582 Here's some porn.
- 00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:47,833 And there's an alien towel.
- 00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:49,460 I actually got that on another planet.
- 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,045 So it is an alien towel to me.
- 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,963 - Good luck. - Thanks.
- 00:11:53,047 --> 00:11:54,382 [Door closes]
- 00:11:54,632 --> 00:11:56,384 [Sighs]
- 00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:04,225 What is this?
- 00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:05,226 Hmm.
- 00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:07,395 Hey, wait a minute.
- 00:12:07,645 --> 00:12:08,562 Oh, uh, Mr. Smith?
- 00:12:08,646 --> 00:12:10,189 Uh, yeah, just masturbating!
- 00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,982 I forgot to mention,
- 00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:14,402 there are extensive medical records open on my desktop,
- 00:12:14,652 --> 00:12:16,946 and I trust you to confine your activities...
- 00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:19,240 - to the purely pornographic. - Absolutely!
- 00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:20,783 Good luck.
- 00:12:20,866 --> 00:12:21,867 [Clicks]
- 00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:24,870 My god! [chuckles]
- 00:12:24,954 --> 00:12:27,790 Mr. Pibbles, you just wrote my penis
- 00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:31,168 a one-way ticket to staying on my body town.
- 00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:34,964 <i>ANNOUNCER: It's the opposite news with Michael Thompson.</i>
- 00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:37,091 <i>Hey, everybody. It's me, Michael Thompson.</i>
- 00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,969 <i>Today the Pope didn't get killed.</i>
- 00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:43,139 <i>He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba.</i>
- 00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:45,141 <i>In other opposite news, information...</i>
- 00:12:45,224 --> 00:12:46,976 Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy?
- 00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:48,978 W-Why is his body, like, sloping off
- 00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:50,980 to the right side of the screen like that?
- 00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,863 I don't know, Morty. See what else is on, huh?
- 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,817 <i>Hey, welcome to "Cooking Things."</i>
- 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,193 <i>I'm Pichael Thompson.</i>
- 00:12:56,277 --> 00:12:57,653 Hey, wait a minute, Rick.
- 00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,131 This guy's body is, like, sloping down
- 00:12:59,155 --> 00:13:00,656 and leaning off to screen left.
- 00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,199 Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.
- 00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:03,868 <i>I'm cooking a little bit of this.</i>
- 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,661 <i>I'm gonna cook a little bit of that.</i>
- 00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:08,122 <i>Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!</i>
- 00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:09,540 Oh, my god! Siamese twins!
- 00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,250 They're... They're Siamese twins!
- 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:13,461 <i>You quit tugging. I-I'm in the middle of my news.</i>
- 00:13:13,711 --> 00:13:15,379 <i>Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it?</i>
- 00:13:15,463 --> 00:13:17,548 <i>Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen?</i>
- 00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,009 <i>He's got his own news show. He's got a normal name.</i>
- 00:13:20,092 --> 00:13:22,028 - Hey, flip back to the news. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- 00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:24,030 <i>You could tell our parents started with naming with him.</i>
- 00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:26,849 <i>It's like, "oh, Michael." They had that one planned...</i>
- 00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,559 <i>before they even got pregnant, I bet.</i>
- 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,102 I don't want to be that girl,
- 00:13:30,186 --> 00:13:31,663 but maybe there would be less conflict
- 00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,206 if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
- 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,350 Oh, Summer, you have no idea
- 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,998 how much money that must save production.
- 00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,818 <i>And then they found out I was attached,</i>
- 00:13:37,902 --> 00:13:39,629 <i>along for the ride, and they said, "ah, shit.</i>
- 00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,447 <i>Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael."</i>
- 00:13:41,697 --> 00:13:43,866 <i>Fuck you, Pichael. You're a fucking piece of shit.</i>
- 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,284 ♪♪
- 00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:46,869 [Camera shutters clicking]
- 00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:47,995 Good afternoon.
- 00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,705 I know all of you are wondering
- 00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:52,333 about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles.
- 00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:55,920 Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?
- 00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,422 I prefer my own penis, and so should you!
- 00:13:58,506 --> 00:14:00,883 The brave Earth man whose sacrifice
- 00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:03,719 is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live...
- 00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:04,845 Mr. Jerry Smith.
- 00:14:04,929 --> 00:14:06,180 [Cheers and applause]
- 00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:07,848 Hello, everyone!
- 00:14:07,932 --> 00:14:10,184 Let's hear it again for Shrimply Pibbles, huh?
- 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,936 He's a good guy, isn't he?
- 00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:15,064 I've only just been learning about his accomplishments,
- 00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:17,274 from his march on Flirk Blirk Square
- 00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:20,069 to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency.
- 00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:21,070 He's the best.
- 00:14:21,153 --> 00:14:23,656 [Cheers and applause]
- 00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:26,367 Um, yeah.
- 00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:29,245 Well, I-it occurs to me that his heroin addiction
- 00:14:29,328 --> 00:14:31,914 may not have been a matter of public record.
- 00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,251 You realize heroin makes up 10% of the atmosphere
- 00:14:35,334 --> 00:14:37,878 on Shrimply Pibbles' home planet.
- 00:14:37,962 --> 00:14:40,214 His planet was destroyed by Clorgon death squads.
- 00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,925 He can't live outside of it without breathing heroin.
- 00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:45,386 Right. I know that. I just think...
- 00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:49,181 This guy's trying to get out of giving away his penis!
- 00:14:49,265 --> 00:14:51,976 [Crowd shouting]
- 00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:55,666 <i>NARRATOR: Today on "How They Do It"...</i>
- 00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,189 <i>Plumbuses.</i>
- 00:14:57,273 --> 00:14:59,483 Everyone has a plumbus in their home.
- 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,320 First, they take the dinglebop,
- 00:15:03,404 --> 00:15:07,116 and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem.
- 00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:11,954 The schleem is then repurposed for later batches.
- 00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,163 They take the dinglebop,
- 00:15:13,247 --> 00:15:15,165 and they push it through the grumbo,
- 00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:17,251 where the fleeb is rubbed against it.
- 00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:19,336 It's important that the fleeb is rubbed
- 00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:22,506 because the fleeb has all of the fleeb juice.
- 00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:24,967 Then a schlami shows up,
- 00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,678 and he rubs it and spits on it.
- 00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,221 They cut the fleeb.
- 00:15:29,305 --> 00:15:31,932 There's several hizards in the way.
- 00:15:32,016 --> 00:15:35,019 The blamfs rub against the chumbles.
- 00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:38,522 And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away.
- 00:15:38,606 --> 00:15:42,276 That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.
- 00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:45,362 I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.
- 00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:49,116 <i>Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space."</i>
- 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,993 <i>I'm your host Phillip Jacobs,</i>
- 00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:54,330 <i>and let me tell you, I care about my personal space.</i>
- 00:15:54,413 --> 00:15:57,291 <i>Whoa, whoa. Hey. Who's around me right now?</i>
- 00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:59,251 <i>Who's around me?</i>
- 00:15:59,335 --> 00:16:02,463 <i>Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up</i>
- 00:16:02,546 --> 00:16:05,591 <i>and let's get some stepped-up personal space</i>
- 00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:07,009 <i>up in this place.</i>
- 00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,135 <i>Here we go.</i>
- 00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:10,387 <i>We get a one, personal space.</i>
- 00:16:10,471 --> 00:16:12,181 <i>Two, personal space.</i>
- 00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:14,308 <i>Three, stay out of my personal space.</i>
- 00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:17,061 <i>Four, keep away from my personal space.</i>
- 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,897 <i>Five... get out of that personal space.</i>
- 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,315 <i>Six...</i>
- 00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,983 <i>Stay away from my personal space.</i>
- 00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:24,401 <i>Seven...</i>
- 00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:25,845 <i>keep away from that personal space.</i>
- 00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:28,447 <i>Eight, personal space.</i>
- 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:31,116 <i>Nine, personal space.</i>
- 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,203 <i>You know, I take personal space pretty seriously,</i>
- 00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:37,206 <i>up to the point that I don't even care about this...</i>
- 00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:39,208 <i>I'm not even interested in having this skin</i>
- 00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:41,585 <i>on my personal space.</i>
- 00:16:41,669 --> 00:16:42,753 <i>[groans]</i>
- 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:43,754 Oh, my god!
- 00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,756 <i>[groans]</i>
- 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,424 <i>Oh, it hurts!</i>
- 00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:48,634 SUMMER: Gross!
- 00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:50,219 RICK: [laughs] What an asshole!
- 00:16:50,302 --> 00:16:51,512 <i>Ohh, tune in next week...</i>
- 00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:52,596 <i>[theme music plays]</i>
- 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,264 <i>...to the best show ever,</i>
- 00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,058 <i>the show we all grew and love...</i>
- 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,185 <i>"The Personal Space Show."</i>
- 00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:00,246 <i>ANNOUNCER: More "Personal Space" next Tuesday at 8:00.</i>
- 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,772 <i>Up next, the heat is turning up</i>
- 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:04,358 <i>with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders."</i>
- 00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:07,444 <i>[speaking alien language]</i>
- 00:17:08,445 --> 00:17:10,364 [whistle blows]
- 00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:25,796 If you could all just stop screaming and chanting
- 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,382 and making whatever that gesture means...
- 00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,175 Excuse me. Come on.
- 00:17:30,259 --> 00:17:32,678 Please, everyone, I have news about Shrimply Pibbles.
- 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,013 Word of Jerry Smith
- 00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,015 trying to weasel out of his penis donation
- 00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,226 has spread across the galaxy.
- 00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,687 Beings everywhere have come together
- 00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:45,107 to offer what little they have to help save Shrimply's life.
- 00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:49,153 Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart
- 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,698 that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis.
- 00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:55,242 Wait! That was an option the whole time?!
- 00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,744 You guys suck!
- 00:17:56,994 --> 00:17:59,705 Yeah<i>. We</i> suck. Are you still here?
- 00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,457 Okay, Jerry. Let's head home.
- 00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:03,500 I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.
- 00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,669 Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure
- 00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:08,380 that can fix that.
- 00:18:08,464 --> 00:18:10,841 Or is there?
- 00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:12,217 [Monitor beeping]
- 00:18:12,301 --> 00:18:13,761 - Scalpel. - Scalpel.
- 00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:15,596 - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor.
- 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,265 - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel.
- 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,725 Okay. We're ready.
- 00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:21,310 Not so fast!
- 00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:23,353 Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?!
- 00:18:23,437 --> 00:18:24,646 I'm a good person,
- 00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,524 and I demand that you cut off my penis
- 00:18:27,608 --> 00:18:30,027 and put it in that man's chest.
- 00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,236 That's not how it works!
- 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,071 Well, you're gonna make it work.
- 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,701 <i>[knocking]</i>
- 00:18:37,785 --> 00:18:41,371 I'm Octopus Man! [laughs]
- 00:18:41,455 --> 00:18:44,750 I'm Octopus Man! [laughs]
- 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:49,505 I'm a marine biologist who was bitten by an octopus.
- 00:18:49,588 --> 00:18:51,340 [laughs]
- 00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:54,301 And now I'm... I help people.
- 00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:56,303 I save people.
- 00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:59,139 I'm a troublesome octopus person.
- 00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:01,475 Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble
- 00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:05,020 'cause here comes a trouble mite.
- 00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,772 SUMMER: Gross!
- 00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:10,192 Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?
- 00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,045 Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't
- 00:19:12,069 --> 00:19:14,696 concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know?
- 00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:16,591 Maybe the species that communicate with each other
- 00:19:16,615 --> 00:19:18,325 through the filter of your comfort
- 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,386 are less evolved than the ones that just communicate!
- 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,210 Maybe your problems are your own to deal with,
- 00:19:22,246 --> 00:19:24,057 and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings
- 00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:25,391 is a one-way ticket to extinction!
- 00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:26,792 Geez, Morty.
- 00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:29,270 I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet.
- 00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:30,796 I don't want to talk about it.
- 00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,559 - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's Dad?
- 00:19:32,631 --> 00:19:34,633 <i>Breaking news... Shrimply Pibbles is being</i>
- 00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:37,135 <i>held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith.</i>
- 00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:38,929 <i>- Remove my penis!</i> - SUMMER: [gasps]
- 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,931 - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine.
- 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:42,933 It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right?
- 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,686 - Are you sure? - I don't know.
- 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:48,313 Do it! Do it! Remove my penis!
- 00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:49,940 Sir, put the gun down
- 00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:51,692 and step away from Mr. Pibbles!
- 00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:53,527 - Jerry! - Dad, what are you doing?!
- 00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:55,696 I'm a good person. I'm a good person.
- 00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,698 Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun?
- 00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:00,200 That's not a gun. That's the XP-20 XS.
- 00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:02,494 Ah!
- 00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:07,958 Oh, my god.
- 00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,793 I'm a good person.
- 00:20:09,877 --> 00:20:13,797 [Screaming]
- 00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:16,425 [Distorted screaming]
- 00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:17,759 No!
- 00:20:17,843 --> 00:20:20,971 Nooooo!
- 00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,765 <i>[monitor beeping]</i>
- 00:20:23,849 --> 00:20:25,851 [both screaming]
- 00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,478 <i>MAN: Hey, how's itgoing?</i>
- 00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:30,397 <i>This is my butthole ice cream parlor.</i>
- 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,900 <i>I got all kinds of ice cream... Peanut butter andjelly...</i>
- 00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:34,443 <i>[farts] - ...vanilla...</i>
- 00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:35,777 <i>[farts] - ...chocolate...</i>
- 00:20:35,861 --> 00:20:37,529 <i>[farts] - ...and every flavor</i>
- 00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:38,864 <i>served out of a butthole...</i>
- 00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,741 - [groaning] <i>- Just like you're back home.</i>
- 00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:41,825 - Dad! - Dad!
- 00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,994 What happened? Where am I?
- 00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,579 Was it all a dream?
- 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,456 No, you were shot like 50 times.
- 00:20:47,539 --> 00:20:50,000 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated
- 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,585 alien hospital,
- 00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,712 so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.
- 00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,881 All... All I wanted was for everyone to like me.
- 00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,692 Jerry, remember that time you left a comment
- 00:20:57,716 --> 00:20:59,636 underneath that YouTube video and someone replied
- 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,696 and called you a dumb-ass, so you replied and told them,
- 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,781 "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night
- 00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:05,432 hitting "refresh" on your browser
- 00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:07,201 waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?
- 00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:09,019 I remember it differently.
- 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,563 This is like that. You can't make people like you.
- 00:21:11,647 --> 00:21:13,857 You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.
- 00:21:13,941 --> 00:21:15,067 You know, you're right.
- 00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:16,568 I shouldn't be motivated
- 00:21:16,652 --> 00:21:18,445 by other people's opinions of me.
- 00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:19,768 All right, guys, let's go home.
- 00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:21,141 If it's all the same to you, Rick,
- 00:21:21,198 --> 00:21:22,658 I'd like to go to the zoo...
- 00:21:22,741 --> 00:21:24,326 - With my family. - What?!
- 00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,220 - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?!
- 00:21:26,244 --> 00:21:27,555 - It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!?
- 00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:29,164 Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!
- 00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,558 Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home.
- 00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:31,768 What the hell is he talking about?!
- 00:21:31,792 --> 00:21:34,670 ♪♪
- 00:22:10,789 --> 00:22:12,666 - Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man!
- 00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,501 What is going on? Aah!
- 00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,962 <i>Give me my Eyeholes! I'm Eyehole Man!</i>
- 00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:18,645 That part of the cupboard is mine, Jerry!
- 00:22:18,714 --> 00:22:20,215 Why do you even have those?!
- 00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:21,609 <i>- Give me my Eyeholes! - Help me, please!</i>
- 00:22:21,633 --> 00:22:23,152 <i>Get up on out of here with my Eyeholes!</i>
- 00:22:23,176 --> 00:22:24,636 [screaming]
- 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,096 Did you get any of that?
- 00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,181 It's-a good-a show!
- 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,526 Не беспокойтесь о Джерри. С ним всё будет в порядке.
- 00:00:06,550 --> 00:00:08,850 Слышишь меня, Джерри? Всё будет хорошо.
- 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:09,970 Оу!
- 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,026 О, остерегайтесь этой фигни.
- 00:00:11,050 --> 00:00:12,446 Она оставит пятна, если попадёт на одежду
- 00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:14,326 и вызовет у вас смертоносную ярость, если попадёт
- 00:00:14,350 --> 00:00:15,120 в глаза и рот.
- 00:00:15,121 --> 00:00:16,779 Почему ты хранил бактерии-мутанты
- 00:00:16,780 --> 00:00:18,409 в баночке с вишнёвым мороженым?
- 00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:20,326 Я знаю, что это не подходящее время, но, знаешь, технически
- 00:00:20,350 --> 00:00:21,719 второй ящик холодильника мой.
- 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,320 Теперь нет.
- 00:00:22,420 --> 00:00:23,320 Ты слишком остро реагируешь!
- 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,050 Мы его теряем.
- 00:00:24,051 --> 00:00:25,691 Ладно, хорошо, но не трогай мой контейнер.
- 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:26,720 Он умрёт?
- 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:27,350 Не волнуйся.
- 00:00:27,450 --> 00:00:29,620 Доктор Глип Глоп - лучший в галактике.
- 00:00:30,070 --> 00:00:31,470 Здравствуйте, я - доктор Глип Глоп.
- 00:00:32,850 --> 00:00:34,300 О, Боже мой! О, Боже мой!
- 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,600 Ааа!
- 00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:37,950 Что?
- 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,246 Каждый госпиталь утверждает, что у них
- 00:00:39,270 --> 00:00:40,930 лучший доктор в галактике.
- 00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:42,339 Как в тех пиццериях,
- 00:00:42,340 --> 00:00:44,086 которые утверждают, что у них лучшая пицца в мире.
- 00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:45,369 Ты думаешь у них есть соревнования пицц?
- 00:00:45,370 --> 00:00:46,749 Ты когда-нибудь была на соревновании пицц?
- 00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:48,300 Иди в зал ожидания, отец.
- 00:00:48,350 --> 00:00:49,350 Ладно!
- 00:00:50,470 --> 00:00:51,180 Простите.
- 00:00:51,220 --> 00:00:52,720 Дайте пройти. Как ты сюда попал?
- 00:00:52,780 --> 00:00:54,010 Шучу. Мне без разницы.
- 00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:55,980 ♪
- 00:00:56,250 --> 00:00:57,350 Да, так дело не пойдёт.
- 00:00:57,770 --> 00:00:59,419 Что Вы делаете?
- 00:00:59,420 --> 00:01:00,370 Продолжение.
- 00:01:00,371 --> 00:01:01,700 Я не понимаю.
- 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:02,720 Да, я тоже.
- 00:01:02,770 --> 00:01:04,290 Мы вполне попали в точку в прошлый раз.
- 00:01:04,660 --> 00:01:12,660 "Межпространственное Телевидение 2"
- 00:01:13,330 --> 00:01:14,330 Сучка!
- 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:18,720 Перевод - savask, стили и тайминг - alexeymil0, английские субтитры - kalkar
- 00:01:21,650 --> 00:01:23,120 <i>О! О!</i>
- 00:01:23,220 --> 00:01:24,220 <i>Оу!</i>
- 00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:28,240 <i>"Человек против Машины," новейший телехит,</i>
- 00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:30,109 где стравливают человека...
- 00:01:30,110 --> 00:01:30,550 Да!
- 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:32,170 И машину.
- 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:33,960 В сегодняшнем выпуске.
- 00:01:34,070 --> 00:01:36,135 Майкл Дженкинс борется с обычной старой машиной.
- 00:01:37,750 --> 00:01:38,690 Так.
- 00:01:38,691 --> 00:01:40,200 О, он проталкивает себе дорогу.
- 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:41,859 Он пытается сражаться с этой машиной,
- 00:01:41,860 --> 00:01:43,346 но похоже, что у машины лидирующая позиция.
- 00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:46,199 О, у нас тут немного пробуксовки.
- 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,300 О, нет.
- 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,539 Его переехали и зажевали шинами.
- 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,220 Думаю, это ещё одно очко в пользу машин.
- 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,140 Аха-ха-ха.
- 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,470 То есть, разве машины не всегда побеждают?
- 00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:59,050 ♪
- 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,079 Саманта, я надеюсь,
- 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,470 что ты понимаешь, что у меня есть несколько глазниц.
- 00:02:05,420 --> 00:02:08,200 Я понимаю. Я знаю про твои глазницы.
- 00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:10,600 Вот, посмотри на мои глазницы.
- 00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:14,730 О, Боже мой. У тебя восемь глаз-з-ниц.
- 00:02:16,030 --> 00:02:18,029 О, я смотрю через твои глазницы.
- 00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:19,720 Да, смотри через мои глазницы.
- 00:02:26,010 --> 00:02:28,320 <i>Я глазнице-мэн.</i>
- 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:31,370 <i>Я - единственный, кому можно иметь глазницы.</i>
- 00:02:32,450 --> 00:02:36,270 <i>Пошли ка вы отсюда с моими глазницами.</i>
- 00:02:36,370 --> 00:02:39,319 <i>Глазницы. Купи их сегодня. Икея...</i>
- 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:40,376 Нужно быть осторожным, Морти.
- 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,126 Если этот парень поймает тебя с коробкой его глазниц,
- 00:02:42,150 --> 00:02:43,389 он влетит через окно
- 00:02:43,390 --> 00:02:45,050 и начнёт выбивать из тебя всё дерьмо.
- 00:02:45,070 --> 00:02:45,900 Но это стоит того.
- 00:02:46,070 --> 00:02:48,020 Они таят во рту, Морти. Они восхитительны.
- 00:02:48,070 --> 00:02:50,296 Отец, я не могу поверить, что ты объясняешь инопланетный завтрак.
- 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:51,270 Мы волнуемся о Джерри.
- 00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:52,820 Ну, ты опоздала на 39 лет,
- 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,320 или, знаешь, сколько ему там.
- 00:02:54,620 --> 00:02:55,570 Ему... ему 50?
- 00:02:55,620 --> 00:02:58,100 Господи Иисусе, Бетт, Джерри 50?
- 00:02:59,770 --> 00:03:01,270 Где я?
- 00:03:01,370 --> 00:03:04,109 Расслабьтесь, мистер Смит. Вы в инопланетном госпитале.
- 00:03:04,110 --> 00:03:05,949 То есть, для Вас это инопланетный госпиталь.
- 00:03:05,950 --> 00:03:07,379 Для меня, Вы в просто госпитале.
- 00:03:07,380 --> 00:03:09,326 Есть другой вопрос, который мы хотим обсудить с вами.
- 00:03:09,350 --> 00:03:10,050 Ладно.
- 00:03:10,051 --> 00:03:12,120 Час назад, Шримпли Пибблс,
- 00:03:12,170 --> 00:03:15,000 наиболее влиятельный правоборец в галактике,
- 00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,900 был доставлен в реанимацию этого госпиталя,
- 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,460 где он сейчас борется за свою жизнь.
- 00:03:19,670 --> 00:03:20,350 Боже мой.
- 00:03:20,460 --> 00:03:22,650 Мистер Смит, жизнь Шримпли Пибблса
- 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:28,169 может быть спасена, если мы заменим его сердце твоим человеческим пенисом.
- 00:03:28,170 --> 00:03:29,739 Ясно. Подождите, что?
- 00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:31,270 Это идеально.
- 00:03:31,370 --> 00:03:32,900 Конфигурация вен,
- 00:03:33,050 --> 00:03:35,439 отношение толщины к эластичности,
- 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,120 небольшая асимметрия того, что вы называете яйца,
- 00:03:38,170 --> 00:03:40,320 и с относительно небольшими изменениями,
- 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,450 Ваши гениталии могут быть превращены в работающее сердце
- 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,319 для наиболее важного человека во вселенной.
- 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,409 Да, но... я хочу сказать...
- 00:03:47,410 --> 00:03:48,320 О, забудьте!
- 00:03:48,321 --> 00:03:50,220 Я говорил, что это - трата времени!
- 00:03:50,370 --> 00:03:51,659 Прояви уважение, Ярп.
- 00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:53,659 Мир этого землянина мал и неразвит.
- 00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:56,099 Он ничего не знает о геноциде Хлоргонов
- 00:03:56,100 --> 00:04:00,920 или о трагических событиях 65.3432.23/14.
- 00:04:01,070 --> 00:04:04,869 И даже если он знал, он бы не понял их.
- 00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:07,110 Я жил среди людей.
- 00:04:07,270 --> 00:04:10,800 Вся их культура построена вокруг их пенисов.
- 00:04:11,180 --> 00:04:13,450 Смешно, если сказать, что они маленькие.
- 00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:15,470 Смешно, если сказать, что они большие.
- 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,100 Я был на вечеринках,
- 00:04:17,350 --> 00:04:21,319 где люди держали бутылки, карандаши, термосы
- 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,050 перед собой и кричали:
- 00:04:24,170 --> 00:04:27,420 "Эй, посмотрите. Я мистер то-и-то-член.
- 00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:30,460 У меня то-и-то вместо пениса."
- 00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:33,000 Я никогда не видел, чтобы это не вызывало смех.
- 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:34,320 Ладно! Хватит!
- 00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:36,270 Вы парни разговариваете о моём виде.
- 00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:39,409 Мы понимаем геноцид. Мы его иногда устраиваем.
- 00:04:39,410 --> 00:04:41,020 Тогда Вы <i>отдадите свой член</i>,
- 00:04:41,140 --> 00:04:42,589 чтобы Шримпли Пибблс мог выжить?
- 00:04:42,590 --> 00:04:43,590 Хватит спрашивать!
- 00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:44,750 Да, отдам!
- 00:04:44,850 --> 00:04:46,149 Правильно, ублюдки.
- 00:04:46,150 --> 00:04:48,450 Забирайте мой член. Забирайте его полностью!
- 00:04:48,550 --> 00:04:49,770 И скажите Шримпли Пибблсу,
- 00:04:49,850 --> 00:04:51,389 что когда галактика нуждалась,
- 00:04:51,390 --> 00:04:53,670 Джерри Смит с Земли не дрогнул!
- 00:04:55,620 --> 00:04:57,270 А-ха-ха! Ха-ха-ха!
- 00:04:57,700 --> 00:04:59,170 Эй, что не так, Морти?
- 00:04:59,250 --> 00:05:01,050 О, ты волнуешься об отце, а?
- 00:05:01,150 --> 00:05:02,420 А? О, нет, нет, нет.
- 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:04,000 Я просто... я просто смотрю
- 00:05:04,050 --> 00:05:05,729 на ту женщину вон там, берущую кофе.
- 00:05:05,730 --> 00:05:06,899 Что с её лицом?
- 00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:09,070 Она человек, или она как Ворф?
- 00:05:09,250 --> 00:05:10,800 Знаешь, Ворф из "Звёздного Пути",
- 00:05:10,870 --> 00:05:12,750 у которого вся эта фигня на лице,
- 00:05:12,970 --> 00:05:15,250 но он - просто человек в костюме, да?
- 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,819 Морти, ээ, давай посмотрим, что ещё передают, а?
- 00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:18,250 Ладно.
- 00:05:18,380 --> 00:05:20,679 <i>А мы возвращаемся к "Как я сюда попал?"</i>
- 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,119 <i>Единственное шоу, которое заставляет вас подумать,</i>
- 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,089 <i>"Как я сюда попал?"</i>
- 00:05:25,090 --> 00:05:26,219 <i>Ха-ха-ха! Ха-ха!</i>
- 00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:28,119 <i>Вот наш первый гость.</i>
- 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,260 <i>О. О, Боже мой.</i>
- 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:31,790 <i>Как я сюда попала?</i>
- 00:05:32,450 --> 00:05:33,450 <i>Эй?!</i>
- 00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,446 <i>Как я сюда попала?! Кто-нибудь, помогите мне, пожалуйста!</i>
- 00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:37,920 <i>Ха-ха-ха! Ха-ха! Ладно!</i>
- 00:05:38,050 --> 00:05:40,570 Боже правый! Смотри, та женщина, с фигнёй на лице
- 00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:43,170 как у Ворфа из "Звёздного Пути", которая брала кофе!
- 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,500 Как она туда попала?!
- 00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:46,609 О, Боже мой, Морти, как она туда попала?
- 00:05:46,610 --> 00:05:49,520 <i>Как</i> она <i>туда попала?</i> <i>Хе-хе-хе.</i>
- 00:05:49,570 --> 00:05:51,549 Это то, чем мы должны быть озабочены?
- 00:05:51,550 --> 00:05:53,250 Просто держитесь подальше от кофе-машины.
- 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,580 <i>Вызываю всех Янов Майклов Винсентов.</i>
- 00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:58,819 Вызываю всех Янов Майклов Винсентов.
- 00:05:58,820 --> 00:05:59,400 <i>В мире,</i>
- 00:05:59,550 --> 00:06:01,619 <i>где есть восемь Янов Майклов Винсентов...</i>
- 00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:03,500 Нам нужен один Ян Майкл Винсент
- 00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:04,720 в зону С.
- 00:06:04,850 --> 00:06:07,390 Нам нужно два Яна Майкла Винсента в зону E.
- 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,959 <i>И 16 зон,</i>
- 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,229 <i>времени достаточно только чтобы один Ян Майкл Винсент</i>
- 00:06:12,230 --> 00:06:13,970 <i>добрался до зоны.</i>
- 00:06:14,270 --> 00:06:16,500 <i>Он не может быть в двух одновременно.</i>
- 00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,969 Эй, Рик, кто... кто такой Ян Майкл Винсент?
- 00:06:18,970 --> 00:06:19,820 О, Боже.
- 00:06:19,850 --> 00:06:20,930 Я пытаюсь вспомнить, Морти.
- 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,170 <i>Янов Майклов Винсентов используют.</i>
- 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,900 Нам нужен чёртов Ян Майкл Винсент.
- 00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:30,450 Это важно знать, кем был Ян Майкл Винсент,
- 00:06:30,570 --> 00:06:31,750 чтобы понять это?
- 00:06:30,950 --> 00:06:31,750 Нет.
- 00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:35,169 Я-я отказываюсь утверждать указ, позволяющий
- 00:06:35,170 --> 00:06:37,319 иметь больше восьми Янов Майклов Винсентов
- 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,329 на округ.
- 00:06:38,330 --> 00:06:40,490 <i>Этим ян-варём,</i>
- 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:43,830 <i>время замайклить своих винсентов.</i>
- 00:06:44,550 --> 00:06:47,450 <i>"Ян зона Винсент 16"</i>
- 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:48,570 - Воу! - Воу!
- 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:49,720 Это Ян Майклс.
- 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,970 Извините, сестра, не могли бы Вы снять мою температуру,
- 00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:53,146 потому, что я думаю, что у меня
- 00:06:53,170 --> 00:06:56,170 Ян-зона-Винсент-лихорадка.
- 00:06:56,220 --> 00:06:57,920 Да, Морти! Ты сделал это.
- 00:06:58,180 --> 00:07:01,349 Так, мы отделим Ваш половой орган от основания
- 00:07:01,350 --> 00:07:03,750 с помощью разрезов тут, тут и тут.
- 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:04,520 Понял.
- 00:07:04,521 --> 00:07:06,720 Оставляя немного длины разъединённой уретры,
- 00:07:06,770 --> 00:07:07,670 чтобы провести через...
- 00:07:07,670 --> 00:07:08,390 А-ха-ха!
- 00:07:08,391 --> 00:07:11,000 Ой, знаете что, я тут понял... Я посмеялся над собой.
- 00:07:11,070 --> 00:07:13,029 Я немного смеюсь над собой
- 00:07:13,030 --> 00:07:15,250 потому, что я только что понял, что не посоветовался
- 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:16,476 с женой, на счёт этого всего.
- 00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:18,520 О. как Вы думаете, она не будет против?
- 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:19,300 О, точно нет.
- 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,850 Бетт автоматически всегда за
- 00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:23,400 все мои решения.
- 00:07:24,170 --> 00:07:25,539 <i>Эй, я - воришка.</i>
- 00:07:25,540 --> 00:07:28,249 Проследуйте за мной в моём приключении в офисе.
- 00:07:28,250 --> 00:07:28,250 ♪ Приключения воришки ♪
- 00:07:28,251 --> 00:07:30,340 ♪ Приключения воришки ♪
- 00:07:30,370 --> 00:07:31,020 Ясно, ага.
- 00:07:31,070 --> 00:07:33,420 Мы просто украдём пару вещиц.
- 00:07:34,050 --> 00:07:35,419 Извините. Как я могу помочь?
- 00:07:35,420 --> 00:07:37,620 Начиная с обычных офисных вещей.
- 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,149 Эй, эй, эй! Это мои вещи!
- 00:07:39,150 --> 00:07:40,750 Таких как степплеров и булавок
- 00:07:40,870 --> 00:07:42,950 и всяких других штук, как... как это.
- 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,320 Всё. Я вызываю охранников.
- 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,050 Нет! Ммммм
- 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,730 ♪
- 00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:54,000 Всё, ладно, теперь мы в тихой безопасной комнате,
- 00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:56,269 где никто из людей, чьи вещи я украл,
- 00:07:56,270 --> 00:07:57,420 сможет до нас добраться.
- 00:07:57,570 --> 00:07:59,570 Теперь, давайте посмотрим на наши вещи.
- 00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:02,120 У нас пакетик боббишей.
- 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,250 Это - восемь брапплсов.
- 00:08:04,780 --> 00:08:06,200 Тут пламбас.
- 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,700 Это - 6 с половиной брапплсов.
- 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,270 Тут у нас, ээ... скомканные красные стаканчики.
- 00:08:12,590 --> 00:08:14,920 15 с половиной брапплсов.
- 00:08:16,350 --> 00:08:18,030 Добро пожаловать назад на "Весёлые Песни".
- 00:08:18,070 --> 00:08:20,090 Всё сымпровизировано. Это очень смешно.
- 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,820 Мне нужен доброволец из зала.
- 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,250 Эм, давний фанат шоу. Эм...
- 00:08:25,350 --> 00:08:27,020 Чем вы занимаетесь? Какая у вас профессия?
- 00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:29,100 Я - специалист по налогам.
- 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,550 Ладно, ясно. В-включайте музыку.
- 00:08:31,870 --> 00:08:33,109 ♪
- 00:08:33,110 --> 00:08:35,250 ♪ Я - специалист по налогам ♪
- 00:08:35,310 --> 00:08:36,800 ♪ О, Боже, о ♪
- 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,420 ♪ Забудьте о всём другом ♪
- 00:08:39,150 --> 00:08:40,820 ♪ Забудьте о Иисусе Христе ♪
- 00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:42,450 ♪ Забудьте о Муххамеде ♪
- 00:08:42,550 --> 00:08:46,250 ♪ Забудьте о, эм... всех этих религиях ♪
- 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,270 ♪ Па-да-па-па-па-да-па! ♪
- 00:08:49,420 --> 00:08:50,300 Конец.
- 00:08:50,390 --> 00:08:53,250 О, Боже мой. О, это было так, так смешно.
- 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:53,750 Спасибо.
- 00:08:53,770 --> 00:08:54,370 Всегда пожалуйста.
- 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,320 Эй, эм, охрана, выпроводите его.
- 00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:57,270 Выпроводите его.
- 00:08:56,630 --> 00:08:57,270 Что?
- 00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,700 Выпроводите ортодонта отсюда.
- 00:08:58,770 --> 00:08:59,770 Нет! Почему?
- 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,939 Вынесите его из зала. Убейте его. Взять его.
- 00:09:03,940 --> 00:09:04,940 Демоны...
- 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,370 <i>Высосите всю его жизнь.</i>
- 00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:07,900 <i>Мне пофигу.</i>
- 00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:08,940 Семья Смит?
- 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:08,940 Да?
- 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:12,020 Хотел вам сказать, что с Джерри всё хорошо.
- 00:09:12,070 --> 00:09:13,980 - Ей! Знал это! - Ву-ху! - Да!
- 00:09:13,981 --> 00:09:14,770 Это хорошие новости!
- 00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:16,920 Но, эм, миссис Смит, не могли бы Вы пройти со мной?
- 00:09:18,270 --> 00:09:20,250 Привет, дорогая, ну, тут такое дело...
- 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,800 Эти парни... Они хотят полностью
- 00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:24,740 убрать мой член и использовать его в качестве сердца для инопланетянина.
- 00:09:24,770 --> 00:09:27,220 И нам нужна ты, чтобы одобрить это.
- 00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:27,970 Что?!
- 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:28,660 О-оу.
- 00:09:28,661 --> 00:09:31,869 Может, в конце концов, у нас тут проблема, парни. Ой.
- 00:09:31,870 --> 00:09:35,550 Его пенис будет заменён сложным протезом.
- 00:09:35,570 --> 00:09:38,100 Сейчас есть большое количество опций, из которых можно выбирать.
- 00:09:38,170 --> 00:09:39,250 Они все - в этом каталоге.
- 00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:41,850 Мне без разницы на протезы. Это безумство.
- 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,280 Что по вашему вы делаете?
- 00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:45,200 Я понимаю Ваши чувства, миссис Смит.
- 00:09:45,220 --> 00:09:46,220 О, я так не думаю.
- 00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,420 Я доставляю своего мужа в неотложку.
- 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:49,520 Его нет час.
- 00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:53,250 И теперь вы хотите его член и даёте мне какой-то каталог.
- 00:09:53,350 --> 00:09:54,889 Это... это... это... это... то есть...
- 00:09:54,890 --> 00:09:55,420 Фуф.
- 00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:57,450 Ну, вот так вот. Извините.
- 00:09:57,570 --> 00:10:01,500 Я знаю, это тяжело понять, но на Земле, любовь превыше всего.
- 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,900 Есть те, кто верят, мистер Смит,
- 00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:07,050 что Шримпли Пибблс представляет собой любовь между всеми живыми существами.
- 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,869 От его судьбы зависят
- 00:10:08,870 --> 00:10:11,800 судьбы сотен миллиардов разумных форм жизни.
- 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:15,310 Воу! Воу. То есть, миллиардов форм жизни?
- 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,400 Сотен миллиардов.
- 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,450 То есть, Джерри, т-ты не объяснил
- 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,520 всю значимость ситуации.
- 00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,750 Эм, ну, Бетт, я не думаю, что твоё решение
- 00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,400 должно основываться на политике.
- 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,620 Кто будет спорить с решением жены
- 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,389 оставить достоинство её любимого?
- 00:10:30,390 --> 00:10:33,070 Ну, я не думаю, что это вообще честно, Джерри. Вообще.
- 00:10:33,170 --> 00:10:36,000 На самом деле, вся эта парадигма имеет сексистские нотки.
- 00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:38,170 Бетт, можем мы поговорить об этом наедине?
- 00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,176 Знаешь, я думаю, что основной момент в том, Джерри,
- 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,650 что если ты хочешь сохранить свой пенис, ты должен сказать вслух:
- 00:10:43,750 --> 00:10:45,650 "Я предпочитаю оставить свой пенис".
- 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,450 Но, Бетт, какой мужчина скажет такое,
- 00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,400 если вселенная нуждается в его члене?!
- 00:10:50,470 --> 00:10:52,720 Ну, Джерри, какой женой я бы была,
- 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,020 если бы я как-нибудь тебе перечила?
- 00:11:00,190 --> 00:11:01,190 <i>Эй, слушайте,</i>
- 00:11:01,220 --> 00:11:02,420 Ваш рот крошечный и маленький?
- 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,146 Тогда почему бы вам не прийти в "маленькие кусочки"
- 00:11:04,170 --> 00:11:05,050 <i>Маленькие кусочки!</i>
- 00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:06,600 Где еда маленькая.
- 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:09,120 Она выглядит как обычная еда, но очень маленькая.
- 00:11:09,170 --> 00:11:10,626 Вы можете положить её себе в рот и есть её.
- 00:11:10,650 --> 00:11:12,010 Ничего не застрянет в Ваших губах.
- 00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,980 Она просто маленькая и маленькая и помещается...
- 00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:15,169 помещается прямо вовнутрь.
- 00:11:15,170 --> 00:11:16,170 <i>Маленькие кусочки!</i>
- 00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:20,100 У нас есть маленькая лазанья, маленькая пицца, маленький пирог.
- 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,200 Ммм! Крохотные, маленькие жареные яйца.
- 00:11:23,420 --> 00:11:25,920 О, чёрт. У нас маленькие люди.
- 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,200 <i>Маленькие кусочки!</i>
- 00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:28,570 Вы голодны? Приходите.
- 00:11:28,670 --> 00:11:29,670 <i>Маленькие кусочки.</i>
- 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,800 Съешь немного грёбанного дерьма, ты, тупая сука.
- 00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:34,320 Хе-хе-хе. Просто прикалываюсь.
- 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,650 У Вас есть время перед операцией,
- 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,620 так что я предполагаю, что Вам захочется, э,
- 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,000 попользоваться Вашим пенисом в последний раз.
- 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:42,120 Вот - мой компьютер.
- 00:11:42,150 --> 00:11:43,650 Тут есть инопланетный Интернет.
- 00:11:45,150 --> 00:11:46,470 Вот - порно.
- 00:11:46,670 --> 00:11:47,910 И вот - инопланетное полотенце.
- 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,746 Я в действительности достал его на другой планете.
- 00:11:49,770 --> 00:11:51,046 Так что это - инопланетное полотенце для меня.
- 00:11:51,070 --> 00:11:52,270 Удачи.
- 00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:52,700 Спасибо.
- 00:11:55,220 --> 00:11:56,950 Эх.
- 00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:03,620 Что это?
- 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:06,670 Хмм.
- 00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:07,550 Эй, погодите.
- 00:12:07,650 --> 00:12:09,270 О, э, мистер Смит?
- 00:12:09,370 --> 00:12:10,950 Э, да, просто мастурбирую!
- 00:12:11,350 --> 00:12:12,350 Я забыл упомянуть,
- 00:12:12,420 --> 00:12:14,870 там есть большие медицинские записи на моём рабочем столе,
- 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,100 и я доверяю Вам ограничить свою активность
- 00:12:17,220 --> 00:12:18,669 чисто порнографической.
- 00:12:18,670 --> 00:12:19,620 Без сомнения!
- 00:12:19,670 --> 00:12:20,670 Удачи.
- 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:24,850 Боже мой!
- 00:12:25,670 --> 00:12:28,609 Мистер Пибблс, вы только что выписали моему пенису
- 00:12:28,610 --> 00:12:31,120 билет в один конец, чтобы остаться в моём теле.
- 00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:35,400 <i>Противоположные новости с Майклом Томпсоном.</i>
- 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,500 <i>Эй, все. Это я, Майкл Томпсон.</i>
- 00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:40,450 <i>Сегодня поп не был убит.</i>
- 00:12:40,570 --> 00:12:44,159 <i>У него всё в порядке. И он в отпуске в Арубе.</i>
- 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,899 <i>В других противоположных новостях, информация...</i>
- 00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,220 Эй, Рик, что такое с этим парнем?
- 00:12:47,270 --> 00:12:49,700 П-почему его тело, типа, наклоняется
- 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,169 к правой части экрана?
- 00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:53,276 Я не знаю, Морти. Посмотрим, что там еще показывают, а?
- 00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:54,969 <i>Эй, добро пожаловать на "Готовим всячину".</i>
- 00:12:54,970 --> 00:12:56,400 <i>Я Пайкл Томпсон.</i>
- 00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:57,500 Эй, погоди, Рик.
- 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,300 У этого парня тело, типа, отклоняется вниз
- 00:12:59,350 --> 00:13:00,570 и идёт в левую часть экрана.
- 00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:02,370 О, Боже мой, и его имя Пайкл.
- 00:13:02,550 --> 00:13:03,750 <i>Я приготовлю немного этого.</i>
- 00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:05,000 <i>Я приготовлю немного этого.</i>
- 00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:08,620 <i>О, о, эй! Не тащи, Майкл!</i>
- 00:13:08,670 --> 00:13:10,600 О, Боже мой! Сиамские близнецы!
- 00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:11,950 Они... они - сиамские близнецы!
- 00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:14,150 <i>Ты прекращай тащить. Я-я в середине моих новостей.</i>
- 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,120 <i>О, о, это всегда про тебя, не так ли?</i>
- 00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:18,046 <i>Вы можете поверить этому парню, дамы и господа?</i>
- 00:13:18,070 --> 00:13:20,350 <i>У него своё новостное шоу. У него нормальное имя.</i>
- 00:13:20,420 --> 00:13:22,300 Эй, переключи назад на новости.
- 00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:22,300 О, да, да, да.
- 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,846 <i>Легко определить, что наши родители начали придумывать нам имена с него.</i>
- 00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,229 <i>Вроде: "О, Майкл".</i>
- 00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:27,700 <i>Готов поспорить, это было запланировано</i>
- 00:13:27,670 --> 00:13:29,030 <i>ещё до того, как они зачали ребёнка.</i>
- 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,270 Не хочу быть занудой,
- 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:31,870 но может было бы меньше споров,
- 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:33,546 если бы они не снимали свои шоу в одно и то же время.
- 00:13:33,570 --> 00:13:34,850 О, Саммер, ты не представляешь,
- 00:13:34,950 --> 00:13:36,350 сколько денег это может сэкономить.
- 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,976 <i>А потом они обнаружили, что я прикреплён,</i>
- 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,820 <i>и они сказали: "Ах, чёрт.</i>
- 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,100 <i>Ну, по фигу, назовём его Пайкл."</i>
- 00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:44,849 <i>Пошёл в ****у, Пайкл. Ты - чёртов кусок дерьма.</i>
- 00:13:44,850 --> 00:13:46,250 ♪
- 00:13:46,370 --> 00:13:47,650 Добрый вечер.
- 00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:49,500 Я знаю, вам всем интересно
- 00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:52,550 состояние нашего дорогого, любимого Пибблса.
- 00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:55,670 Что бы ты предпочёл из XP-20 и XP-20 XS?
- 00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:58,870 Я предпочитаю свой пенис, как и тебе следовало бы!
- 00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:01,000 Храбрый землянин, чья жертва
- 00:14:01,050 --> 00:14:03,550 позволит Шримпли Пибблсу жить...
- 00:14:03,650 --> 00:14:05,800 Мистер Джерри Смит.
- 00:14:06,050 --> 00:14:07,470 Здравствуйте, все!
- 00:14:08,070 --> 00:14:10,400 Поаплодируем ещё раз для Шримпли Пибблса, а?
- 00:14:10,470 --> 00:14:12,250 Он хороший парень, не так ли?
- 00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:15,200 Я только недавно узнал о его достижениях,
- 00:14:15,270 --> 00:14:17,300 начиная с его марша на площади Флёрк Блёрк
- 00:14:17,350 --> 00:14:19,970 и заканчивая его текущей борьбой с героиновой зависимостью.
- 00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:21,100 Он - лучший.
- 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,520 Эм, да.
- 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:29,770 Ну, мне кажется, что его героиновая зависимость
- 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,250 не была известна общественности.
- 00:14:32,730 --> 00:14:36,720 Вы понимаете, что героин составляет 10% атмосферы
- 00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:38,170 на родной планете Шримпли Пибблса.
- 00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:40,900 Его планета была уничтожена отрядами смерти Хлоргонов.
- 00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:43,470 Он не может жить вне её не вдыхая героин.
- 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,409 Ясно. Я знаю это. Я просто думаю...
- 00:14:46,410 --> 00:14:49,600 Этот парень хочет избежать донорства своего члена!
- 00:14:54,670 --> 00:14:56,120 <i>Сегодня в "Как это сделано"</i>
- 00:14:56,220 --> 00:14:57,400 <i>Пламбусы.</i>
- 00:14:57,550 --> 00:14:59,770 У всех есть пламбус в доме.
- 00:15:01,370 --> 00:15:03,520 Сначала, они берут динглбоп
- 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:07,100 и разглаживают его с помощью шлима.
- 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:12,070 Шлим потом используется для следующих партий.
- 00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:13,420 Они берут динглбоп
- 00:15:13,550 --> 00:15:15,220 и вдавливают его через грумбо,
- 00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:17,550 где он потом трётся о флиб.
- 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,500 Важно, что флиб натирают,
- 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,620 ведь в флибе содержится сок флиба.
- 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,920 Потом появляется шлами,
- 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,500 который натирает это и плюёт на него.
- 00:15:28,350 --> 00:15:29,970 Они режут флиб.
- 00:15:30,050 --> 00:15:32,120 Есть несколько опасных моментов в этом деле.
- 00:15:32,270 --> 00:15:35,020 Бламфсы трут чамблсы.
- 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:38,820 И плубис и грумбо срезаются.
- 00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:42,500 Это даёт Вам старый добрый пламбус.
- 00:15:42,820 --> 00:15:45,520 Мне всегда было интересно как, э, делают пламбусы.
- 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:49,300 <i>Эй, добро пожаловать назад на "Персональное Пространство".</i>
- 00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:51,270 <i>Я - Ваш ведущий Филлип Джейкобс,</i>
- 00:15:51,370 --> 00:15:54,570 <i>и позвольте мне поведать вам, как мне важно моё персональное пространство.</i>
- 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,470 <i>Воу, воу. Эй. Кто рядом со мной?</i>
- 00:15:57,550 --> 00:15:58,670 <i>Кто рядом со мной?</i>
- 00:15:59,870 --> 00:16:03,489 <i>Теперь, почему бы нам не подняться сюда, активизироваться</i>
- 00:16:03,490 --> 00:16:06,200 <i>и посмотреть немного шагового персонального пространства</i>
- 00:16:06,250 --> 00:16:07,250 <i>тут.</i>
- 00:16:07,950 --> 00:16:08,750 <i>Поехали.</i>
- 00:16:08,970 --> 00:16:10,820 <i>Один, персональное пространство.</i>
- 00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:12,650 <i>Два, персональное пространство.</i>
- 00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:15,370 <i>Три, держись подальше от моего персонального пространства.</i>
- 00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:17,776 <i>Четыре, держись подальше от моего персонального пространства.</i>
- 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:18,400 <i>Пять...</i>
- 00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:20,296 Уходи из этого персонального пространства.
- 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:21,320 <i>Шесть...</i>
- 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,176 <i>Держись в стороне от моего персонального пространства.</i>
- 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,200 <i>Семь...</i>
- 00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,326 <i>Держись в стороне от этого персонального пространства.</i>
- 00:16:26,350 --> 00:16:28,450 <i>Восемь, персональное пространство.</i>
- 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,800 <i>Девять, персональное пространство.</i>
- 00:16:31,070 --> 00:16:34,270 Знаете, я отношусь к персональному пространству <i>довольно серьёзно,</i>
- 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,620 <i>настолько, что меня не интересует это...</i>
- 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,800 <i>Я даже не заинтересован в ношении этой кожи</i>
- 00:16:39,870 --> 00:16:41,600 <i>на моём персональном пространстве.</i>
- 00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:43,950 О, Боже мой!
- 00:16:45,970 --> 00:16:48,100 <i>О, это больно!</i>
- 00:16:48,450 --> 00:16:49,550 Отвратительно!
- 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:50,650 Ха-ха! Что за говнюк!
- 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,470 <i>Ох, смотрите нас на следующей неделе...</i>
- 00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:54,646 <i>Лучшее шоу из когда либо созданных,</i>
- 00:16:54,670 --> 00:16:56,500 <i>шоу, которое мы все поддерживаем и любим...</i>
- 00:16:56,670 --> 00:16:58,170 <i>"Шоу Персонального Пространства".</i>
- 00:16:58,270 --> 00:17:00,346 <i>Больше "Персонального Пространства" в следующий вторник в 8:00.</i>
- 00:17:00,370 --> 00:17:01,770 Дальше, ситуация накаляется
- 00:17:01,850 --> 00:17:04,470 <i>у Саманты и мальчиков в "Нордсайдерах".</i>
- 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,920 Не могли бы вы все перестать кричать и скандировать
- 00:17:26,950 --> 00:17:28,850 и показывать тот жест, что бы он не значил...
- 00:17:28,970 --> 00:17:29,970 Извините. Пошёл.
- 00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:33,150 Пожалуйста, все. У меня есть новости о Шримпли Пибблсе.
- 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,570 Молва о Джерри Смите,
- 00:17:35,650 --> 00:17:37,700 пытающемся выкрутиться и не отдавать свой пенис,
- 00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:39,370 пересекла всю галактику.
- 00:17:39,450 --> 00:17:41,870 Создания повсюду объединились,
- 00:17:41,970 --> 00:17:45,600 чтобы предложить то немногое, что они могут сделать, чтобы спасти жизнь Шримпли.
- 00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:50,100 Достаточно, чтобы оплатить новейшее современное синтетическое сердце,
- 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,669 которое будет даже лучше, чем жалкий пенис мистера Смита.
- 00:17:53,670 --> 00:17:56,000 Подожди! Был такой вариант всё это время?!
- 00:17:56,050 --> 00:17:57,320 Вы - отстой!
- 00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,020 Да. <i>Мы</i> отстой. А Вы ещё здесь?
- 00:18:00,050 --> 00:18:01,800 Ладно, Джерри. Идём домой.
- 00:18:01,820 --> 00:18:03,770 Я не могу уйти сейчас. Все меня ненавидят.
- 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,270 К сожалению, нет хирургической операции,
- 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,560 которая могла бы это исправить.
- 00:18:09,070 --> 00:18:11,100 Или есть?
- 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:13,270 Скальпель.
- 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:13,970 Скальпель.
- 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:14,750 Нано-доктор.
- 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:15,800 Нано-доктор
- 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:16,800 Нано-скальпель.
- 00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:17,990 Нано-скальпель.
- 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,050 Ладно. Мы готовы.
- 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,600 Не так быстро!
- 00:18:21,770 --> 00:18:23,650 Мистер Смит? Что вы делаете? Вы сошли с ума?!
- 00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:24,700 Я - хороший человек,
- 00:18:25,050 --> 00:18:27,770 и я требую, чтобы вы отрезали мой член
- 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,250 и засунули его в грудную клетку того парня.
- 00:18:30,350 --> 00:18:31,450 Это так не работает!
- 00:18:31,620 --> 00:18:33,270 Ну, вы заставите это работать.
- 00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:42,210 Я - человек-осьминог! Ха-ха-ха-ха!
- 00:18:42,770 --> 00:18:45,270 Я - человек-осьминог! Ха-ха-ха-ха!
- 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:49,999 Я - морской биолог, которого укусил осьминог.
- 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,400 Ха-ха.
- 00:18:52,620 --> 00:18:55,000 И теперь я... я помогаю людям.
- 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:56,200 Я спасаю людей.
- 00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:59,070 Я - проблемный человек-осьминог.
- 00:18:59,150 --> 00:19:00,170 О-оу.
- 00:19:00,270 --> 00:19:01,870 Нужно предотвратить беду,
- 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,450 ведь у меня тут проблемный хлопец.
- 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:07,000 Отвратительно!
- 00:19:07,170 --> 00:19:08,600 Всё межпространственное телевидение
- 00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:10,579 полагается на детское насилие?
- 00:19:10,580 --> 00:19:12,540 Ну, Саммер, может люди, которые создают что-то
- 00:19:12,550 --> 00:19:13,300 не осведомлены
- 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,219 о твоих тонких чувствах, понимаешь?
- 00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:17,419 Может виды, которые общаются друг с другом
- 00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:18,949 через фильтр твоего комфорта
- 00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:21,089 менее эволюционированны, чем те, что просто общаются!
- 00:19:21,090 --> 00:19:22,850 Может твои проблемы - твоё собственное дело,
- 00:19:22,950 --> 00:19:24,830 и может общество, не забивающее не твои чувства,
- 00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:26,199 это билет в один конец к вымиранию!
- 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,200 Боже, Морти.
- 00:19:27,350 --> 00:19:30,150 Бьюсь об заклад, Кэтрин Хэфлфингер тебе ещё не ответила.
- 00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:31,340 Я не хочу говорить об этом.
- 00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:32,400 Ладно, парни, идём домой.
- 00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:33,120 Где папа?
- 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:33,920 <i>Экстренные новости.</i>
- 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,700 <i>Шримпли Пибблс находится в заложниках</i>
- 00:19:35,850 --> 00:19:37,470 <i>у человека, известного как Джерри Смит.</i>
- 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:38,700 <i>Удалите мой пенис!</i>
- 00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:39,750 Боже мой!
- 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:40,926 Всё в нормально. Всё в порядке.
- 00:19:40,950 --> 00:19:42,750 Это должно быть альтернативная реальность, да?
- 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,769 Ты уверен?
- 00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:45,770 Я не знаю.
- 00:19:45,950 --> 00:19:47,000 Делай! Делай!
- 00:19:47,070 --> 00:19:48,370 Удалите мой член!
- 00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:50,150 Сэр, положите оружие на пол
- 00:19:50,220 --> 00:19:52,100 и отойдите от мистера Пибблса!
- 00:19:52,220 --> 00:19:52,770 Джерри!
- 00:19:52,770 --> 00:19:53,770 Папа, что ты делаешь?!
- 00:19:53,870 --> 00:19:56,000 Я - хороший человек. Я - хороший человек.
- 00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:57,900 Где ты достал пистолет? Кто дал ему пистолет?
- 00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:00,350 Это не пистолет. Это - XP-20 XS.
- 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:02,520 А!
- 00:20:07,630 --> 00:20:08,420 О, Боже мой.
- 00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:09,520 Я - хороший человек.
- 00:20:09,620 --> 00:20:14,070 Аааааа!
- 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:16,650 ОО!
- 00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:17,750 Нет!
- 00:20:17,820 --> 00:20:19,920 Неееет!
- 00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:27,790 Аааа!
- 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:28,920 <i>Эй, как дела?</i>
- 00:20:28,970 --> 00:20:31,250 <i>Это мой жопский ларёк с мороженым.</i>
- 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,950 У меня есть все виды мороженого... <i>Арахисовое и желейное...</i>
- 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,100 <i>...ванильное...</i>
- 00:20:35,370 --> 00:20:36,420 <i>...шоколадное...</i>
- 00:20:36,570 --> 00:20:37,820 <i>...Все вкусы</i>
- 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,250 <i>подаются из задницы...</i>
- 00:20:39,830 --> 00:20:41,600 прямо как дома.
- 00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:42,100 - Папа! - Папа!
- 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,900 Что случилось? Где я?
- 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:45,870 Это всё был сон?
- 00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:47,800 Нет, в тебя выстрелили, типа, 50 раз.
- 00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,350 57. К счастью, ты в супер-навороченном
- 00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:51,650 инопланетном госпитале,
- 00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,870 так что, грубо говоря, это было, как вытащить занозу.
- 00:20:53,970 --> 00:20:56,120 Всё... всё, что я хотел, это чтобы я всем нравился.
- 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,520 Джерри, помнишь тот раз, когда ты оставил комментарий
- 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,420 под тем видео на ютубе, и кто-то ответил
- 00:21:00,450 --> 00:21:02,319 и назвал тебя дебилом, а ты ответил и сказал,
- 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,559 что "чья бы корова мычала", и ты остался на ночь
- 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,059 нажимать на "обновить" в своём браузере,
- 00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:07,776 ожидая, что тебе ответят, а потом заснул рыдая?
- 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,050 Я помню это иначе.
- 00:21:09,150 --> 00:21:11,720 Это - то же самое. Ты не можешь заставить людей любить тебя.
- 00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:14,330 Тебе просто приходится ждать, пока им не надоест ненавидеть тебя.
- 00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:16,000 Знаешь, ты права.
- 00:21:16,070 --> 00:21:17,200 Я не должен быть мотивирован
- 00:21:17,220 --> 00:21:18,620 мнениями других людей обо мне.
- 00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:19,670 Ладно, все, пойдём домой.
- 00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:21,420 Если тебе без разницы, Рик,
- 00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:22,750 я бы хотел пойти в зоопарк...
- 00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:24,499 Со своей семьёй!
- 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:25,150 Что?!
- 00:21:25,220 --> 00:21:27,050 - О чём ты говоришь?! - Почему мы будем это делать?!
- 00:21:27,053 --> 00:21:28,776 - Это тупая идея! Что с тобой!? - Не будь куском дерьма, Джерри!
- 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,569 Ладно, мне жаль. Мне жаль. Мы пойдём домой.
- 00:21:30,570 --> 00:21:31,800 О чём он вообще?!
- 00:21:32,550 --> 00:21:35,750 ♪
- 00:22:11,590 --> 00:22:12,620 Ааа!
- 00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:13,570 <i>Я - глазнице-мэн!</i>
- 00:22:13,620 --> 00:22:14,649 Что происходит? Ааа!
- 00:22:14,650 --> 00:22:16,900 <i>Отдай мне мои глазницы! Отдай мне мои глазницы!</i>
- 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,226 - Эта часть шкафчика моя, Джерри! - <i>Отдай глазницы! Я - глазнизе-мэн!</i>
- 00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:20,650 Почему у тебя вообще они есть?!
- 00:22:20,750 --> 00:22:21,769 Помогите мне, пожалуйста!
- 00:22:21,770 --> 00:22:23,309 <i>Проваливай с моими глазницами!</i>
- 00:22:23,310 --> 00:22:24,859 О, Боже м...!
- 00:22:24,860 --> 00:22:26,359 Ты что-нибудь понял?
- 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,360 Это хорошее шоу!