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Воспитание Газорпазорпа
Raising Gazorpazorp
Сезон: 01Серия: 07
В космическом ломбарде Рик покупает Морти секс-робота. Вскоре после этого робот зачинает инопланетного гибридного ребёнка Морти, которого он называет Морти-младшим. Рик и Саммер отправляются на планету происхождения секс-роботов, Газорпазорп, чтобы найти более подходящих родителей для Морти-младшего. На планете Рик и Саммер узнают, что самцы этого вида взрослеют за считанные дни и по своей природе чрезвычайно агрессивны. Женщины-газорпазорпианки арестовывают Рика из-за его открытого женоненавистничества и угрожают казнить и его, и Саммер, пока Саммер не обнаруживает, что её модный топ был сделан мужчиной, убеждая всех отпустить их на свободу. Между тем, быстрое взросление Морти-младшего заставляет Морти пытаться воспитать его. Опасаясь своих агрессивных инстинктов, Морти держит Морти-младшего дома, говоря ему, что воздух снаружи ядовит. Однако изоляция заставляет Морти-младшего восстать. Когда он понимает, что Морти солгал ему по поводу воздуха, он вступает в бой с Морти, пока не прибывает Рик и не готовится убить Морти-младшего. Морти встаёт на пути Рика, говоря ему, что он всё ещё любит Морти-младшего. Морти-младший решает уехать и жить самостоятельно, направляя свою агрессию в творческое искусство. В сцене после титров Морти-младший идёт на ток-шоу, чтобы рассказать о написанной им книге под названием «Мой (ужасный) отец», которая стала очень успешной.
- 00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:03,753 Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens
- 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,463 for a broken defraculator.
- 00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:08,675 That is multiphase quantum resonator.
- 00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:10,510 - Well, does it defraculate? - Fuck no.
- 00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,512 Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.
- 00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:14,514 Like you would even know dick about fraculation!
- 00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:16,224 Your planet just got cellphones,
- 00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:18,309 and the coverage still sucks!
- 00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,436 Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.
- 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,271 So, let's say 60 smidgens.
- 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,981 I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.
- 00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,566 I'll throw in a fart.
- 00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,568 Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think
- 00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:29,404 maybe I could get something from this place,
- 00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:31,239 like a souvenir, like, just to have --
- 00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:32,990 like, something cool, you know?
- 00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,534 Not here, Morty. We'll stop somewhere else.
- 00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:36,828 Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.
- 00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,830 Oh, okay. I just, um --
- 00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,498 you know, I thought that robot over there
- 00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,333 looked pretty cool, you know?
- 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,794 Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?
- 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,421 Yeah! You know, I mean...
- 00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,131 it's different from the stuff on Earth,
- 00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:50,133 and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places
- 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,676 across the galaxy,
- 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,678 and, you know, I don't really have anything to --
- 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,638 to remember all those trips by.
- 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,640 It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.
- 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,392 You know, like, what if you passed away
- 00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:00,768 or died or something?
- 00:01:00,853 --> 00:01:02,562 I wouldn't even have anything to remember
- 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,355 all the cool stuff we did, you know?
- 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,357 Okay. 60 for the resonator,
- 00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,110 and my grandson wants the sex robot.
- 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,859 So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening?
- 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,944 I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking.
- 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:53,780 Rick, why would you let Morty
- 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,907 bring that thing into our house?!
- 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,366 I don't know. What do you want from me?
- 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,744 He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool.
- 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:00,661 You know what I mean?
- 00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:01,913 Whew!
- 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,418 Ahh. All right.
- 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:10,004 Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.
- 00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,301 Well, I'm intervening.
- 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:16,969 Intervening with puberty?
- 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,430 You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon."
- 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:22,558 He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him.
- 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,102 Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low?
- 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,397 Um, Rick, could you come with me, please --
- 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,607 q-quickly?
- 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:33,611 Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.
- 00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,114 Where's the sex robot, Morty?
- 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:39,325 That is Gwendolyn -- l-I mean, the robot!
- 00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:41,828 She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away!
- 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,496 Strange -- that's usually the man's job.
- 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,206 You know what I'm talking about, Morty?
- 00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:47,083 Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!
- 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,584 Morty!
- 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,253 That's my catchphrase, remember?
- 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,922 Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?
- 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,340 All right. All right, seriously, though,
- 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:55,550 let me grab this thing.
- 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,470 Come on, you... rascal.
- 00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:02,557 - Okay, unacceptable! Oh. - What is going on?
- 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,392 All right. Uh-oh.
- 00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:06,352 "Uh-oh"? What is that?!
- 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,271 Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed
- 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,731 for more than long weekends.
- 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,527 Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.
- 00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:16,445 Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker,
- 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,155 and that there's half Morty, half --
- 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,157 who -- who knows wh-what?
- 00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,243 It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it.
- 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,870 - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- 00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,538 What do you think you're doing?!
- 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,331 Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house
- 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,083 when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.
- 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,252 I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware.
- 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,671 I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS.
- 00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:35,506 We gotta be careful.
- 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,508 I lost the chance to be careful, Rick.
- 00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,843 I'm a father now!
- 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,720 You know, it's time for me to be responsible.
- 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,555 Isn't that right... - Don't name it.
- 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,557 - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it.
- 00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,559 Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human.
- 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,270 And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to --
- 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,272 Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake.
- 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:52,690 Don't punish us for it.
- 00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,233 Fine.
- 00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:57,028 I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate.
- 00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,030 Do not let that thing out of your sight.
- 00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:02,033 Lt looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous.
- 00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:04,035 Like The Insane Clown Posse.
- 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,995 Yeah. Good one, Jerry.
- 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,623 2003 just called. Lt wants its easy target back.
- 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,791 Ohh. He's like a little me!
- 00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:13,878 Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you?
- 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,504 They always do.
- 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,840 Hey, uh, 1995 called!
- 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,342 They want their "certain year called
- 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,260 wanting its 'blank' back" formula back!
- 00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:23,304 Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort?
- 00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:25,556 Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!
- 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,602 - Out. - Whatcha doin'?
- 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,395 Well, I can't solve the problem my way,
- 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,397 thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups.
- 00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:35,733 Gross. I might have just touched one of Morty's loads.
- 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:38,027 But maybe I can find suitable parents for Morty Jr.
- 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:41,864 on this robot's home world, which is...
- 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,866 Gazorpazorp in the Andromeda system.
- 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,869 Scoot, Summer. - Don't you need a new companion
- 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,871 now that Morty's in the family way?
- 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,123 I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer.
- 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,125 Oh, right -- because there's something about having a wiener
- 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,628 that would make me better at walking through a hole?
- 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:58,756 - Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Oh, crap.
- 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,716 Grandpa Rick! Ugh!
- 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,219 Help! Help! Aah! Aah!
- 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,807 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
- 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,475 - Grandpa Rick! - Still think it's a good idea
- 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,060 to go through holes without a wiener?
- 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,562 - I want to go home. - Yeah, no duh.
- 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,022 Ugh!
- 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,735 Great. Now I have to take over a whole planet
- 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,113 because of your stupid boobs.
- 00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,949 - You're doing great, Morty. - Really? You think?
- 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,784 I mean, I'm not doing much of anything.
- 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,119 What do I do if it cries?
- 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,329 Then you put it down and let it cry itself out.
- 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,915 Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer,
- 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,126 and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she?
- 00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,627 Yes, she is.
- 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:38,629 She's gonna strip for attention
- 00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,631 because she was denied it.
- 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,050 Stop filling it with your own insecurity.
- 00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:45,219 You're gonna turn it into Morty --
- 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:47,430 uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you.
- 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,265 Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles
- 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,058 by a mentally ill scientist.
- 00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,893 What the -- aah! Aah!
- 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,231 Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior.
- 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:58,899 Knock it off, both of you!
- 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,735 G-Give me him! Give me my baby!
- 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,528 You're both nuts!
- 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,072 I'm gonna raise Morty Jr. myself!
- 00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,742 ♪ Where's your hands? There's your hands ♪
- 00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,369 ♪ And that's how we play handy hands ♪
- 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,914 Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty.
- 00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,833 At least we can agree on that.
- 00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:25,968 Thanks, Dum-Dum.
- 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,554 I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more.
- 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,181 Summer, put your burqa on!
- 00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:32,183 That burqa is a human-rights violation,
- 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,810 and I spent a lot on this top.
- 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,645 Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun
- 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,064 with a bunch of sex-doll parts,
- 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,482 and I have to do it one-handed
- 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,567 to keep these Belushis from carting you off.
- 00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,736 The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender.
- 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,197 Ugh. What's the deal with this place?
- 00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:47,990 Why is it such a sausage planet,
- 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,326 and how did such backward idiots invent robots?
- 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,994 Obviously, at some point,
- 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,412 the Gazorpians became so evolved
- 00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:55,956 that they replaced females with birthing machines.
- 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,167 The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking
- 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,127 allowed them to focus entirely on war,
- 00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,129 so they bombed themselves back to the stone age,
- 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,090 and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy
- 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,591 with sticks and rocks all day long.
- 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,760 You think it's efficient to get rid of women?
- 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,845 You ever see a line for the men's room?
- 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,597 Are you hear-- do you Li-- do you hear me, Summer?
- 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,725 Droppin' loads.
- 00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,895 Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads.
- 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:22,191 The plot thickens.
- 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,029 Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer.
- 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,156 Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.
- 00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,034 Yeah, baby!
- 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,745 Summer, grab -- grab hold.
- 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,122 Yeah, baby!
- 00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,581 Aaaah!
- 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,211 Grandpa Rick, where are we going?
- 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,838 Well, obviously, Summer,
- 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,923 it appears the lower tier of this society
- 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,175 is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology
- 00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,928 by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?
- 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,888 Ticketmaster.
- 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,974 Oh, there -- there we go, Summer.
- 00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:56,725 Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bro.
- 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,561 Nice racket you got going on here.
- 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:01,397 Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137.
- 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,649 Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace.
- 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,527 It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood"
- 00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:08,863 is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant.
- 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,409 Oh, I get it --
- 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,953 the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist.
- 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:18,247 Silence!
- 00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,669 - Your slave is ill-mannered. - My slave?
- 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,671 We assume you are from a more primitive world,
- 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,882 where men are still permitted to be servants.
- 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,426 If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him.
- 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,094 He's my slave. He's my slave.
- 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,095 He's definitely my slave.
- 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,182 Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!
- 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,975 Oh, boy.
- 00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,894 What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"?
- 00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,812 Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
- 00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:44,231 Are you guys kidding me?
- 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,150 Oh, Morty Jr.!
- 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,235 You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you?
- 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,404 You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy.
- 00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:52,239 Ohh.
- 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,116 Ohh! Ha ha!
- 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,117 DA.
- 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,702 What was that, Morty Jr.?
- 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,662 Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada."
- 00:08:58,747 --> 00:08:59,705 Death!
- 00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,123 "Dada."
- 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,583 Domination!
- 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,668 Um... "Dada"?
- 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,670 Destruction. Domination.
- 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:09,131 Nice.
- 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,556 The spider in sector "C" is still alive.
- 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,558 Plan your route accordingly and expect delays.
- 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,560 We're not telling you what to do.
- 00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,562 We're just sharing how we feel.
- 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,564 And now weather -- is anyone else cold,
- 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,650 or is it just me?
- 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,737 I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp.
- 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,614 I am here if you need to talk.
- 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,991 - What is this place? - Paradise.
- 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,744 We built it during the great passive-aggression,
- 00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,871 when the females separated from the males
- 00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,624 due to their increasingly destructive behavior.
- 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,125 I am here if you need to talk.
- 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,086 I am here if you need to talk.
- 00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,672 From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates
- 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,173 to maintain our population.
- 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,635 Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery.
- 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,638 The females are placed into educational programs
- 00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:00,140 where they can discover a service to our paradise
- 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,059 that fulfills them most.
- 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,395 Males...
- 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:08,065 ...they get to play outside.
- 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,067 That was just a baby.
- 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,069 And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian --
- 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,988 one of the most aggressively violent creatures
- 00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,322 in the universe.
- 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,324 Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian
- 00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,785 was born on our planet.
- 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,374 You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!
- 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,918 It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.
- 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,254 Are you the ruler of this Earth?
- 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,339 - How did you know? - The quality of your top.
- 00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,258 - Do you love it? - I love it.
- 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,676 I'm here if you need to talk.
- 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,094 I'm here if you need to talk.
- 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,429 I'm here if you need to talk.
- 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:41,181 If the Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger.
- 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,017 We will give you passage back home
- 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,435 so it can be terminated.
- 00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,103 But first, mojitos.
- 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,938 We don't have time for mojitos.
- 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:50,316 - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer!
- 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,318 This place is the worst! I want to go home!
- 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,320 Well, it really doesn't matter what you want,
- 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,530 because this is a sane place where women rule.
- 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,532 Yeah. You know what I have to say about that?
- 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,620 I cannot believe my ears!
- 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,961 Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?
- 00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,047 Grandpa!
- 00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,257 - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal!
- 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,925 Lt means "father of father."
- 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,261 Then this one is not your slave,
- 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,764 and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men.
- 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,974 It's not dominated by us, okay?
- 00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,851 On Earth, men and women are equals.
- 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:29,355 Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!
- 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,190 - Seize them! - Whoa!
- 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,361 Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?
- 00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:38,822 This is for you, Daddy.
- 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:40,115 Oh, man!
- 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,284 Um, okay. Listen to me, Morty Jr.
- 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,953 I've got to tell you something very important, okay?
- 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,997 Killing is bad -- bad!
- 00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:48,999 You're silly, Daddy.
- 00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,251 No, Morty Jr. I'm being serious, okay?
- 00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,087 You need to put your energy into something else.
- 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,838 I mean, what about dancing?
- 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,298 Would you like to learn how to dance?
- 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,176 I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies.
- 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,720 Ohh! No, Morty Jr.!
- 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,224 Daddy, can I go outside?
- 00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:06,767 No! Absolutely not!
- 00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,894 But that's where all the people and the animals are.
- 00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,146 Yeah, but you can't go out there because the --
- 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,148 the air is poisonous for you!
- 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,525 You will die -- you'll die instantly
- 00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,443 if you ever leave this house!
- 00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:17,778 You hear me? - For real?
- 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,571 For real times a million, buddy.
- 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,031 So, let's just stay inside,
- 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,033 and, you know, let's try dancing, right?
- 00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,035 Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance.
- 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,912 Come on. Join -- dance with me here.
- 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,705 We love to dance. - Why do we love to dance?
- 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,208 'Cause I said so!
- 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:34,044 Nice.
- 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,509 So, what are you in for?
- 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,636 Because I got -- I got a big,
- 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,513 you know, penis between my legs.
- 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,348 What -- what -- what are you in for?
- 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,725 The worst crime a female can commit.
- 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,352 Veronica Ann Bennett,
- 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,564 I find you guilty of having bad bangs.
- 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,524 You ever notice the ones with bad bangs
- 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,234 always have three names?
- 00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,571 You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment!
- 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,949 Pfft! This is gonna be cake.
- 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,117 No! Jackie!
- 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,785 Rick and Summer of Earth,
- 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,954 for the crimes of treason against womankind
- 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:12,374 and for creating the sound of which we do not speak
- 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,960 because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to --
- 00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,045 What, what, what -- a night on the couch?
- 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,839 - ...death. - Ooh, gerp.
- 00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,716 I hate you so much right now.
- 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,718 This will be the first instance
- 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,720 of capital punishment in our society
- 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,389 in 500 years due to our awesomeness,
- 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,433 so we are forced to improvise.
- 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,478 We placed a large boulder on that ledge.
- 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,105 Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?!
- 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,107 No! Stop interrupting!
- 00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,901 The boulder falls onto a lever
- 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,903 that will launch... knives.
- 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,070 What?
- 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,906 Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself.
- 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,574 Stop interrupting!
- 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,493 The knives will --
- 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,870 Fine! You were right the first time, okay?
- 00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,497 The boulder crushes you.
- 00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:53,499 I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy?
- 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,501 No, just ignore them. Ignore them.
- 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,169 Such an asshole.
- 00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,004 Look, I'm sorry, Summer.
- 00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,797 I feel bad that I let you drag us into this.
- 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,674 I wish I could have been a better Grandpa to you,
- 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,343 and, you know, for what it's worth,
- 00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,345 that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.
- 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,180 Top. My top!
- 00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:11,183 My top -- the same top you complimented earlier!
- 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,520 Look -- look at the tag. Read it.
- 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,314 Lt says, "Marc Jacobs."
- 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,442 Marc? Jacob? These are names of the penis.
- 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,570 Yes. An Earth man made this top.
- 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,364 Maybe on your planet,
- 00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:27,991 separation of the genders is the right thing to do,
- 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,993 but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males
- 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,578 are born gay,
- 00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:35,123 which is why my clothes are better than all of yours.
- 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,667 A man made something fashionable?
- 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:39,670 It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,
- 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,380 but it must be accepted.
- 00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,382 Like if I told you that you're using
- 00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:45,217 the wrong color foundation for your skin
- 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:47,052 and it ends at your neck,
- 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,804 making you look like a party clown.
- 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,098 Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...
- 00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:53,976 if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth,
- 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,602 you're no better than the men
- 00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,938 whose farts shall remain unspoken.
- 00:14:58,022 --> 00:14:59,940 And if you think my top is cute,
- 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,942 you cannot execute.
- 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,904 Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft
- 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,906 so they may head back to their weird planet,
- 00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:11,034 where women are kind of equal but not really.
- 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,036 Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls.
- 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,746 You know, you girls are really something,
- 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,331 I'll tell you that.
- 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,000 You know when we first go there, I was like --
- 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,626 Give them a ship now.
- 00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:23,005 Morty Jr.! Smoking?!
- 00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,506 That is not okay!
- 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,799 What are you gonna do -- ground me?
- 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,092 I can't go outside anyway!
- 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,845 So what?! You could do things inside!
- 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,097 You could play guitar. You could masturbate.
- 00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,641 I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet!
- 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,311 Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think...
- 00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,396 is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?!
- 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,064 Love -- that's all you care about!
- 00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,524 What about weapons?!
- 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,401 What about domination of the enemy?!
- 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,361 All right, that's it -- no more History Channel!
- 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,697 This TV is for cartoons and video games only!
- 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,742 I hate video games! You take that back!
- 00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:53,452 Give it to me!
- 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,454 Ugh!
- 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,456 I-I-I didn't mean -- I didn't mean that.
- 00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,124 I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.
- 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,627 I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison...
- 00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:03,629 than live another minute with you!
- 00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,964 No! No, no, no! Stop!
- 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,471 My life has been a lie!
- 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,556 God is dead! The government's lame!
- 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,558 Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!
- 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,393 Jesus wasn't born on Christmas!
- 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,020 They moved the date! Lt was a pagan holiday!
- 00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,022 - Oh, Dad! - Yes, Morty?
- 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,024 My son is gonna take over the planet,
- 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,567 and I am too young to drive!
- 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,818 Can you help me get him back?!
- 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,822 I suppose, Morty. I suppose.
- 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:34,826 But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass
- 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:37,996 of "I told you so."
- 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,585 Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!
- 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:52,761 ♪ Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,
- 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,846 burnin' inside ♪
- 00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,058 ♪ With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat
- 00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:01,186 and the fire in your pants, open wide ♪
- 00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,814 ♪ You're gonna run from the damn cold,
- 00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:07,442 but you can't run from your youth ♪
- 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,883 Dad, there he is!
- 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,678 Oh, god. Hey, stop that!
- 00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,681 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad!
- 00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,893 Morty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad.
- 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:44,062 It's okay!
- 00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,022 Put the car down, Morty Jr.
- 00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:48,108 No! No! ♪ Wh-Where's your hands? ♪
- 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:51,695 ♪ Where's your hands? ♪
- 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,113 My car!
- 00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:57,117 ♪ And that's how we play handy hands ♪
- 00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,785 Out of the -- out of the way, Morty!
- 00:17:58,870 --> 00:17:59,870 - No! - Morty!
- 00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:01,663 That's one of the most violently aggressive
- 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,706 creatures in the universe!
- 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,458 - Ow! - He's my son!
- 00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:08,336 And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!
- 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,594 Dad, I'm so confused!
- 00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,305 I know, Morty Jr. I'm sorry.
- 00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,098 I ended up lying to you and yelling at you
- 00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,142 just like my parents did to me.
- 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,561 You know, parents are just kids having kids.
- 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,230 One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks.
- 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,399 The next minute, you're in a fist fight
- 00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,318 with your alien son.
- 00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:32,819 I'm an alien?
- 00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,821 We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts.
- 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,615 We just have to learn to channel them
- 00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,325 into something constructive.
- 00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,911 But I want to murder everyone I see.
- 00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,746 Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there
- 00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:44,414 for people that feel that way.
- 00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,916 Actually, there is.
- 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,876 Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of
- 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,086 the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke."
- 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,088 You should consider being a creative.
- 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,799 I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts
- 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,550 of mutilation and sexual assault
- 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,385 on a near daily basis.
- 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,971 But, you know, I channel it all into my work.
- 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,681 - Oh. Wow. - Huh.
- 00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,767 I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke."
- 00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,310 Well, did you get the impression
- 00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,521 I was trying to make you laugh?
- 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,899 Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson.
- 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:13,109 Aw, see? You hear that, Morty Jr.?
- 00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,320 Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind.
- 00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,364 Maybe! I always have sort of wanted
- 00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:19,658 to see my face on the back of a novel.
- 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,661 I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats,
- 00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:23,829 but beyond that...
- 00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:26,122 I know you can do it, son.
- 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,542 I think it's time I get a place of my own.
- 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:31,378 I promise I'll call you every day I need money
- 00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:33,588 or a place to do laundry.
- 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,634 Aaaaaaah!
- 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:43,348 So, I assume this novel your son writes
- 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:46,810 is gonna pay for my rear axle?
- 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,520 Isn't it interesting, Summer,
- 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,522 that after all that stuff we just did,
- 00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,607 nothing really mattered and there was no point to it?
- 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,651 Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing?
- 00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:57,070 Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate
- 00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,322 your policy about taking girls on adventures?
- 00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,449 No. I'd say, given what we've been through,
- 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,951 that I was right the whole time
- 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,953 and any epiphanies about gender politics were
- 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,830 a projection of your feminine insecurity.
- 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,374 But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship?
- 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,459 Go ride around and have a jolly old time.
- 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,670 Maybe that'll shut you up. - Dad? Summer?
- 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,297 Where were you guys this whole time?
- 00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:16,882 On Gazorpazorp. Where were you?
- 00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,508 I was reading a newspaper.
- 00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,969 Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny.
- 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,346 l-I-I heard about a little bit of news myself.
- 00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,473 Take a look. T-Take a listen.
- 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:30,729 Wubba-lubba-dub-dubs!
- 00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,480 This this world
- 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,649 still got a -- it's still got a chance!
- 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,318 Yeah! Ha ha!
- 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:37,944 See you -- see you guys next week!
- 00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,487 See everybody next week.
- 00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:10,810 Mortimer Smith, Jr.,
- 00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,437 New York Times bestselling author,
- 00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,439 your book is about innocence, the definition of it,
- 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,441 and, inevitably, its impossibility.
- 00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:18,276 ls it autobiographical?
- 00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:19,527 Certainly.
- 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:22,447 I mean, all writing is, in my opinion.
- 00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:25,408 But my, uh --
- 00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:28,161 My father kept me locked in the house
- 00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:30,664 until I was a teenager.
- 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,457 And there was violence
- 00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:35,585 and, uh, threats of poison gas --
- 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,337 but also dancing.
- 00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,464 But you persevered and created this masterpiece
- 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:40,840 from your suffering.
- 00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:43,510 Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father,"
- 00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:45,470 in every store and on everyone's mind.
- 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,263 Pick it up. We'll be right back.
- 00:21:47,348 --> 00:21:48,848 It's a thankless job, Morty.
- 00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,016 You did the best you could.
- 00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:52,519 I hope he's eating enough.
- 00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,480 Did you get any of that?
- 00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,565 It's a good-a show!
- 00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:03,753 RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 [burps] smidgens
- 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,463 for a [burps] broken defraculator.
- 00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:08,675 That is multiphase quantum resonator.
- 00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:10,510 - Well, does it defraculate? - Fuck no.
- 00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,512 Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.
- 00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:14,514 Like you would even know dick about fraculation!
- 00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:16,224 Your planet just got cellphones,
- 00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:18,309 and the coverage still sucks!
- 00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,436 RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.
- 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,271 So, let's say 60 smidgens.
- 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,981 I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.
- 00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,566 I'll throw in a fart.
- 00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,568 Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think
- 00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:29,404 maybe I could get something from this place,
- 00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:31,239 like a souvenir, like, just to have --
- 00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:32,990 like, something cool, you know?
- 00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,534 Not here, Morty. We'll stop somewhere else.
- 00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:36,828 Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.
- 00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,830 MORTY: Oh, okay. I just, um --
- 00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,498 you know, I thought that robot over there
- 00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,333 looked pretty cool, you know?
- 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,794 Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?
- 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,421 Yeah! You know, I mean...
- 00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,131 it's different from the stuff on Earth,
- 00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:50,133 and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places
- 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,676 across the galaxy,
- 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,678 and, you know, I don't really have anything to --
- 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,638 to remember all those trips by.
- 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,640 It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.
- 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,392 You know, like, what if you passed away
- 00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:00,768 or died or something?
- 00:01:00,853 --> 00:01:02,562 I wouldn't even have anything to remember
- 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,355 all the cool stuff we did, you know?
- 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,357 Okay. 60 [burps] for the resonator,
- 00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,110 and my grandson wants the sex robot.
- 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,102 [ rhythmic creaking ]
- 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,859 So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening?
- 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,944 I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking.
- 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:53,780 Rick, why would you let Morty
- 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,907 bring that thing into our house?!
- 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,366 I don't know. What do you want from me?
- 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,744 He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool.
- 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:00,661 You know what I mean?
- 00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:01,913 Whew!
- 00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:05,625 [ gulping ]
- 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,418 Ahh. All right.
- 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:10,004 Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.
- 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:11,881 [ footsteps depart, door closes in distance ]
- 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,841 [ rhythmic creaking ]
- 00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,301 Well, I'm intervening.
- 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:16,969 Intervening with puberty?
- 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,430 You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon."
- 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:22,558 He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him.
- 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,102 Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low?
- 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:26,103 [ footsteps approach ]
- 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,397 Um, Rick, could you come with me, please --
- 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,607 q-quickly?
- 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:33,611 Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.
- 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:35,279 [ warbling ]
- 00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,114 Where's the sex robot, Morty?
- 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:39,325 That is Gwendolyn -- l-I mean, the robot!
- 00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:41,828 She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away!
- 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,496 Strange -- that's usually the man's job.
- 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,206 You know what I'm talking about, Morty?
- 00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:47,083 Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! [ laughs ]
- 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,584 Morty! [laughs]
- 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,253 That's my catchphrase, remember?
- 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,922 Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?
- 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,340 All right. All right, seriously, though,
- 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:55,550 let me grab this thing.
- 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,593 [ grunts ]
- 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,470 Come on, you... rascal.
- 00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:02,557 - Okay, unacceptable! Oh. - What is going on?
- 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,392 - [ giggles ] - All right. Uh-oh.
- 00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:06,352 "Uh-oh"? What is that?!
- 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,271 Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed
- 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,731 for more than long weekends.
- 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,527 Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.
- 00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:16,445 Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker,
- 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,155 and that there's half Morty, half --
- 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,157 [burps] who -- who knows wh-what?
- 00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,243 It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it.
- 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,870 - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- 00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,538 What do you think you're doing?!
- 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,331 Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house
- 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,083 when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.
- 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,252 I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware.
- 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,671 I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS.
- 00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:35,506 We gotta be careful.
- 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,508 I lost the chance to be careful, Rick.
- 00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,843 I'm a father now!
- 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,720 You know, it's time for me to be responsible.
- 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,555 Isn't that right... - Don't name it.
- 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,557 - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it.
- 00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,559 Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human.
- 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,270 And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to --
- 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,272 Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake.
- 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:52,690 Don't punish us for it.
- 00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,233 [ groans ] Fine.
- 00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:57,028 I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate.
- 00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,030 Do not let that thing out of your sight.
- 00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:02,033 Lt looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous.
- 00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:04,035 Like The Insane Clown Posse.
- 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,995 Yeah. Good one, Jerry.
- 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,623 2003 just called. Lt wants its easy target back.
- 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,791 Ohh. He's like a little me!
- 00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:13,878 Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you?
- 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,504 They always do.
- 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,840 Hey, uh, 1995 called!
- 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,342 They want their "certain year called
- 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,260 wanting its 'blank' back" formula back!
- 00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:23,304 Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort?
- 00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:25,556 Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!
- 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,602 - Out. - Whatcha doin'?
- 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,395 Well, I can't solve the problem my way,
- 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,397 thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups.
- 00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:35,733 Gross. I might have just touched one of Morty's loads.
- 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:38,027 But maybe I can find suitable parents for Morty Jr.
- 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:41,864 on this robot's home world, which is...
- 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,866 Gazorpazorp in the Andromeda system.
- 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,869 Scoot, Summer. - Don't you need a new companion
- 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,871 now that Morty's in the family way?
- 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,123 I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer.
- 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,125 Oh, right -- because there's something about having a wiener
- 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,628 that would make me better at walking through a hole?
- 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:58,756 - Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Oh, crap.
- 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,716 Grandpa Rick! Ugh!
- 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,219 Help! Help! Aah! Aah!
- 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,929 [ roars ]
- 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,807 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
- 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,475 - Grandpa Rick! - Still think it's a good idea
- 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,060 to go through holes without a wiener?
- 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,562 - I want to go home. - Yeah, no duh.
- 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,022 Ugh!
- 00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:16,273 [ gasps ]
- 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:17,733 [ all snarling ]
- 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,735 Great. Now I have to take over a whole planet
- 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,113 because of your stupid boobs.
- 00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,949 - You're doing great, Morty. - Really? You think?
- 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,784 I mean, I'm not doing much of anything.
- 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,119 What do I do if it cries?
- 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,329 Then you put it down and let it cry itself out.
- 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,915 Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer,
- 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,126 and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she?
- 00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,627 Yes, she is.
- 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:38,629 She's gonna strip for attention
- 00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,631 because she was denied it.
- 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,050 Stop filling it with your own insecurity.
- 00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:45,219 You're gonna turn it into Morty --
- 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:47,430 uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you.
- 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,265 Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles
- 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,058 by a mentally ill scientist.
- 00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,893 - [ vomits ] - What the -- aah! Aah!
- 00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:54,812 [ crying ]
- 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,231 Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior.
- 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:58,899 Knock it off, both of you!
- 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,735 G-Give me him! Give me my baby!
- 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,528 You're both nuts!
- 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,072 I'm gonna raise Morty Jr. myself!
- 00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,742 ♪ Where's your hands? There's your hands ♪
- 00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,369 ♪ And that's how we play handy hands ♪
- 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,704 [ giggles ]
- 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,914 Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty.
- 00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,833 At least we can agree on that.
- 00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:17,960 [ all snarling ]
- 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,424 [ growling ]
- 00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:25,968 Thanks, Dum-Dum. - [ roars ]
- 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,554 I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more.
- 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,181 Summer, put your burqa on!
- 00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:32,183 That burqa is a human-rights violation,
- 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,810 and I spent a lot on this top.
- 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,645 Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun
- 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,064 with a bunch of sex-doll parts,
- 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,482 and I have to do it one-handed
- 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,567 to keep these Belushis from carting you off.
- 00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,736 The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender.
- 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,197 Ugh. What's the deal with this place?
- 00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:47,990 Why is it such a sausage planet,
- 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,326 and how did such backward idiots invent robots?
- 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,994 Obviously, at some point,
- 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,412 the Gazorpians became so evolved
- 00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:55,956 that they replaced females with birthing machines.
- 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,167 The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking
- 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,127 allowed them to focus entirely on war,
- 00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,129 so they bombed themselves back to the stone age,
- 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,090 and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy
- 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,591 with sticks and rocks all day long.
- 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,760 You think it's efficient to get rid of women?
- 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,845 You ever see a line for the men's room?
- 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,597 Are you hear-- do you Li-- do you hear me, Summer?
- 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,725 [ rumbling ] Droppin' loads.
- 00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,895 ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads.
- 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:22,191 [between burps] The plot thickens.
- 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,860 [ all shouting indistinctly ]
- 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,029 Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer.
- 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,156 Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.
- 00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,908 [ all murmuring ]
- 00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,034 Yeah, baby!
- 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,745 Summer, grab -- grab hold.
- 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,122 Yeah, baby!
- 00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,581 Aaaah!
- 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,211 Grandpa Rick, where are we going?
- 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,838 Well, obviously, Summer,
- 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,923 it appears the lower tier of this society
- 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,175 is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology
- 00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,928 by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?
- 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,888 [ gasps ] Ticketmaster.
- 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,974 Oh, there -- there we go, Summer.
- 00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:56,725 Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bro.
- 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,561 Nice racket you got going on here.
- 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:01,397 Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137.
- 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,649 Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace.
- 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,527 It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood"
- 00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:08,863 is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant.
- 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,409 Oh, I get it --
- 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,953 the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist.
- 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:18,247 - Silence! - [ choking ]
- 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,791 [ coughs ]
- 00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,669 - Your slave is ill-mannered. - My slave?
- 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,671 We assume you are from a more primitive world,
- 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,882 where men are still permitted to be servants.
- 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,426 If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him.
- 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,094 He's my slave. He's my slave.
- 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,095 He's definitely my slave.
- 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,722 [ chokes ]
- 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,182 Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!
- 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,975 [ coughs ] Oh, boy.
- 00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,894 What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"?
- 00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,812 Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
- 00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:44,231 [ burps ] Are you guys kidding me?
- 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,150 MORTY: Oh, Morty Jr.!
- 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,235 You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you?
- 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,404 You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy.
- 00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:52,239 Ohh. [ laughs ]
- 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,116 Ohh! Ha ha!
- 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,117 DA.
- 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,702 What was that, Morty Jr.?
- 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,662 Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada."
- 00:08:58,747 --> 00:08:59,705 Death!
- 00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,123 "Dada."
- 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,583 Domination!
- 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,668 Um... "Dada"?
- 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,670 Destruction. Domination.
- 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:09,131 [ clears throat ] Nice.
- 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,556 WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive.
- 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,558 Plan your route accordingly and expect delays.
- 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,560 We're not telling you what to do.
- 00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,562 We're just sharing how we feel.
- 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,564 And now weather -- is anyone else cold,
- 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,650 or is it just me?
- 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,737 I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp.
- 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,614 I am here if you need to talk.
- 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,991 - What is this place? - Paradise.
- 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,744 We built it during the great passive-aggression,
- 00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,871 when the females separated from the males
- 00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,624 due to their increasingly destructive behavior.
- 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,125 I am here if you need to talk.
- 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,086 I am here if you need to talk.
- 00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,672 From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates
- 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,173 to maintain our population.
- 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,635 Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery.
- 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,638 The females are placed into educational programs
- 00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:00,140 where they can discover a service to our paradise
- 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,059 that fulfills them most.
- 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,395 Males... - [ baby giggling ]
- 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:08,065 ...they get to play outside.
- 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,067 That was just a baby.
- 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,069 And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian --
- 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,988 one of the most aggressively violent creatures
- 00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,322 in the universe.
- 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,324 Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian
- 00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,785 was born on our planet.
- 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,374 You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!
- 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,918 It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.
- 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,254 Are you the ruler of this Earth?
- 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,339 - How did you know? - The quality of your top.
- 00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,258 - Do you love it? - I love it.
- 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,676 I'm here if you need to talk.
- 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,094 I'm here if you need to talk.
- 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,429 I'm here if you need to talk.
- 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:41,181 If the Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger.
- 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,017 We will give you passage back home
- 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,435 so it can be terminated.
- 00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,103 But first, mojitos.
- 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,938 We don't have time for mojitos.
- 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:50,316 - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer!
- 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,318 This place is the worst! I want to go home!
- 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,320 Well, it really doesn't matter what you want,
- 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,530 because this is a sane place where women rule.
- 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,532 Yeah. You know what I have to say about that?
- 00:10:58,616 --> 00:10:59,908 [ farting ]
- 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,410 [ all gasp ]
- 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,620 WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!
- 00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:05,706 [ farting continues ]
- 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,961 Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?
- 00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,047 Grandpa!
- 00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,257 - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal!
- 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,925 Lt means "father of father."
- 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,261 Then this one is not your slave,
- 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,764 and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men.
- 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,974 It's not dominated by us, okay?
- 00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,851 On Earth, men and women are equals.
- 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:29,355 Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!
- 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,190 - Seize them! - Whoa!
- 00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:32,608 [ choking ]
- 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,361 Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?
- 00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:38,822 This is for you, Daddy.
- 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:40,115 Oh, man!
- 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,284 Um, okay. Listen to me, Morty Jr.
- 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,953 I've got to tell you something very important, okay?
- 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,997 Killing is bad -- bad!
- 00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:48,999 [ giggles ] You're silly, Daddy.
- 00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,251 No, Morty Jr. I'm being serious, okay?
- 00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,087 You need to put your energy into something else.
- 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,838 I mean, what about dancing?
- 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,298 Would you like to learn how to dance?
- 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,176 I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies.
- 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,720 Ohh! No, Morty Jr.!
- 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,224 Daddy, can I go outside?
- 00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:06,767 No! Absolutely not!
- 00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,894 But that's where all the people and the animals are.
- 00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,146 Yeah, but you can't go out there because the --
- 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,148 the air is poisonous for you!
- 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,525 You will die -- you'll die instantly
- 00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,443 if you ever leave this house!
- 00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:17,778 You hear me? - For real?
- 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,571 For real times a million, buddy.
- 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,031 So, let's just stay inside,
- 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,033 and, you know, let's try dancing, right?
- 00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,035 Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance.
- 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,912 Come on. Join -- dance with me here.
- 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,705 We love to dance. - Why do we love to dance?
- 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,208 - 'Cause I said so! - [ crying ]
- 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:34,044 [ both clearing throats ] BOTH: Nice.
- 00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:38,549 [ indistinct conversations ]
- 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,509 So, what are you in for?
- 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,636 Because I got -- I got a big,
- 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,513 you know, penis between my legs.
- 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,348 What -- what -- what are you in for?
- 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,725 The worst crime a female can commit.
- 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,352 WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett,
- 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,564 I find you guilty of having bad bangs.
- 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,524 You ever notice the ones with bad bangs
- 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,234 always have three names?
- 00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,571 You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment!
- 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:01,738 [ all gasp ]
- 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,949 Pfft! This is gonna be cake.
- 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,117 No! Jackie!
- 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,785 Rick and Summer of Earth,
- 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,954 for the crimes of treason against womankind
- 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:12,374 and for creating the sound of which we do not speak
- 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,960 because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to --
- 00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,045 What, what, what -- a night on the couch?
- 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,839 - ...death. - Ooh, gerp.
- 00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,716 I hate you so much right now.
- 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,718 This will be the first instance
- 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,720 of capital punishment in our society
- 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,389 in 500 years due to our awesomeness,
- 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,433 so we are forced to improvise.
- 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,478 We placed a large boulder on that ledge.
- 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,105 Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?!
- 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,107 No! Stop interrupting!
- 00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,901 The boulder falls onto a lever
- 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,903 that will launch... knives.
- 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,070 What?
- 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,906 Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself.
- 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,574 Stop interrupting!
- 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,493 The knives will --
- 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,870 Fine! You were right the first time, okay?
- 00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,497 The boulder crushes you.
- 00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:53,499 I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy?
- 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,501 No, just ignore them. Ignore them.
- 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,169 Such an asshole.
- 00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,004 RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer.
- 00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,797 I feel bad that I let you drag us into this.
- 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,674 I wish I could have been a better Grandpa to you,
- 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,343 and, you know, for what it's worth,
- 00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,345 that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.
- 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,180 Top. My top!
- 00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:11,183 My top -- the same top you complimented earlier!
- 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,520 Look -- look at the tag. Read it.
- 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,314 Lt says, "Marc Jacobs."
- 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,442 Marc? Jacob? These are names of the penis.
- 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,570 Yes. An Earth man made this top.
- 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,364 Maybe on your planet,
- 00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:27,991 separation of the genders is the right thing to do,
- 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,993 but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males
- 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,578 are born gay,
- 00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:35,123 which is why my clothes are better than all of yours.
- 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,667 [ gasps ] A man made something fashionable?
- 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:39,670 It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,
- 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,380 but it must be accepted.
- 00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,382 Like if I told you that you're using
- 00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:45,217 the wrong color foundation for your skin
- 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:47,052 and it ends at your neck,
- 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,804 making you look like a party clown.
- 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,098 Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...
- 00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:53,976 if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth,
- 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,602 you're no better than the men
- 00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,938 whose farts shall remain unspoken.
- 00:14:58,022 --> 00:14:59,940 And if you think my top is cute,
- 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,942 you cannot execute.
- 00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,485 [ all gasp ]
- 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,904 Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft
- 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,906 so they may head back to their weird planet,
- 00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:11,034 where women are kind of equal but not really.
- 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,036 Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls.
- 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,746 You know, you girls are really [burps] something,
- 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,331 I'll tell you that.
- 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,000 You know [burps] when we first go there, I was like --
- 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,626 Give them a ship now.
- 00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:23,005 [ inhales deeply ] Morty Jr.! Smoking?!
- 00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,506 That is not okay!
- 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,799 What are you gonna do -- ground me?
- 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,092 I can't go outside anyway!
- 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,845 So what?! You could do things inside!
- 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,097 You could play guitar. You could masturbate.
- 00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,641 I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet!
- 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,311 Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think...
- 00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,396 is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?!
- 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,064 Love -- that's all you care about!
- 00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,524 What about weapons?!
- 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,401 What about domination of the enemy?!
- 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,361 All right, that's it -- no more History Channel!
- 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,697 This TV is for cartoons and video games only!
- 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,742 I hate video games! You take that back!
- 00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:53,452 Give it to me!
- 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,454 Ugh!
- 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,456 I-I-I didn't mean -- I didn't mean that.
- 00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,124 I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.
- 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,627 I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison...
- 00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:03,629 than live another minute with you!
- 00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,964 No! No, no, no! Stop!
- 00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:09,426 [ breathing deeply ]
- 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,471 My life has been a lie!
- 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,556 God is dead! The government's lame!
- 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,558 Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!
- 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,393 Jesus wasn't born on Christmas!
- 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,020 They moved the date! Lt was a pagan holiday!
- 00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,022 - Oh, Dad! - Yes, Morty?
- 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,024 My son is gonna take over the planet,
- 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,567 and I am too young to drive!
- 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,818 Can you help me get him back?!
- 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,028 [ clears throat ]
- 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,822 I suppose, Morty. I suppose.
- 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:34,826 But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass
- 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:37,996 of "I told you so."
- 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:41,166 [ gulping ]
- 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,585 Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!
- 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,587 [ dog barking in distance ]
- 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:52,761 ♪ Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,
- 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,846 burnin' inside ♪
- 00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,058 ♪ With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat
- 00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:01,186 and the fire in your pants, open wide ♪
- 00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,814 ♪ You're gonna run from the damn cold,
- 00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:07,442 but you can't run from your youth ♪
- 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,570 [ roaring ]
- 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,244 [ tires screech ]
- 00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:20,080 [ people screaming ]
- 00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:23,375 [ tires screech ]
- 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:26,378 [ screaming continues ]
- 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,883 Dad, there he is!
- 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,176 [ roars ]
- 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,678 Oh, god. Hey, stop that!
- 00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,054 [ horn honks ]
- 00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,681 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad!
- 00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:38,682 [ roars ]
- 00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,893 Morty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad.
- 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:44,062 It's okay!
- 00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,022 Put the car down, Morty Jr.
- 00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:48,108 No! No! ♪ Wh-Where's your hands? ♪
- 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:51,695 ♪ Where's your hands? ♪
- 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,113 My car!
- 00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:57,117 ♪ And that's how we play handy hands ♪
- 00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,785 Out of the -- out of the way, Morty!
- 00:17:58,870 --> 00:17:59,870 - No! - Morty!
- 00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:01,663 That's one of the most violently aggressive
- 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,706 creatures in the universe!
- 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,458 - Ow! - He's my son!
- 00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:08,336 And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!
- 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:12,924 [ growls ]
- 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,594 Dad, I'm so confused!
- 00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,305 I know, Morty Jr. I'm sorry.
- 00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,098 I ended up lying to you and yelling at you
- 00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,142 just like my parents did to me.
- 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,561 You know, parents are just kids having kids.
- 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,230 One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks.
- 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,399 The next minute, you're in a fist fight
- 00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,318 with your alien son.
- 00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:32,819 I'm an alien?
- 00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,821 We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts.
- 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,615 We just have to learn to channel them
- 00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,325 into something constructive.
- 00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,911 But I want to murder everyone I see.
- 00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,746 Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there
- 00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:44,414 for people that feel that way.
- 00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,916 MAN: Actually, there is.
- 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,876 Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of
- 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,086 the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke."
- 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,088 You should consider being a creative.
- 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,799 I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts
- 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,550 of mutilation and sexual assault
- 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,385 on a near daily basis.
- 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,971 But, you know, I channel it all into my work.
- 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,681 - Oh. Wow. - Huh.
- 00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,767 I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke."
- 00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,310 Well, did you get the impression
- 00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,521 I was trying to make you laugh?
- 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,899 Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson.
- 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:13,109 Aw, see? You hear that, Morty Jr.?
- 00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,320 Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind.
- 00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,364 Maybe! I always have sort of wanted
- 00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:19,658 to see my face on the back of a novel.
- 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,661 I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats,
- 00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:23,829 but beyond that...
- 00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:26,122 I know you can do it, son.
- 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,542 I think it's time I get a place of my own.
- 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:31,378 I promise I'll call you every day I need money
- 00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:33,588 or a place to do laundry.
- 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:34,756 [ growling affectionately ]
- 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,634 Aaaaaaah!
- 00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,845 [ whoosh! thud! ]
- 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:43,348 So, I assume this novel your son writes
- 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:46,810 is gonna pay for my rear axle?
- 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,520 Isn't it interesting, Summer,
- 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,522 that after all that stuff we just did,
- 00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,607 nothing really mattered and there was no point to it?
- 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,651 Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing?
- 00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:57,070 Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate
- 00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,322 your policy about taking girls on adventures?
- 00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,449 No. I'd say, given what we've been through,
- 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,951 that I was right the whole time
- 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,953 and any epiphanies about gender politics were
- 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,830 a projection of your feminine insecurity.
- 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,374 But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship?
- 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,459 Go ride around and have a jolly old time.
- 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,670 Maybe that'll shut you up. - Dad? Summer?
- 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,297 Where were you guys this whole time?
- 00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:16,882 On Gazorpazorp. Where were you?
- 00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,508 I was reading a newspaper.
- 00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,969 Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny.
- 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,346 l-I-I heard about a little bit of news myself.
- 00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,473 Take a look. T-Take a listen.
- 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,392 [ farting ]
- 00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:29,603 [ both laugh ]
- 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:30,729 Wubba-lubba-dub-dubs!
- 00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,480 This [burps] this world [burps]
- 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,649 still got a -- it's still got a chance!
- 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,318 Yeah! Ha ha!
- 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:37,944 See you -- see you guys next week!
- 00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,487 See everybody next week.
- 00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:10,810 Mortimer Smith, Jr.,
- 00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,437 New York Times bestselling author,
- 00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,439 your book is about innocence, the definition of it,
- 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,441 and, inevitably, its impossibility.
- 00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:18,276 ls it autobiographical?
- 00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:19,527 Certainly.
- 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:22,447 I mean, all writing is, in my opinion.
- 00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:25,408 But my, uh -- [ clears throat ]
- 00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:28,161 My father kept me locked in the house
- 00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:30,664 until I was a teenager.
- 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,457 And there was violence
- 00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:35,585 and, uh, threats of poison gas --
- 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,337 but also dancing.
- 00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,464 But you persevered and created this masterpiece
- 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:40,840 from your suffering.
- 00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:43,510 Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father,"
- 00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:45,470 in every store and on everyone's mind.
- 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,263 Pick it up. We'll be right back.
- 00:21:47,348 --> 00:21:48,848 It's a thankless job, Morty.
- 00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,016 You did the best you could.
- 00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:52,519 I hope he's eating enough.
- 00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,480 Did you get any of that?
- 00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,565 It's a good-a show!